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876
876
Review of Strain  
Review by ~WhoMe???~
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Rated: ASR | (5.0)
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*Rainbowl*"Strain" *Rainbowr*


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🌕 HuntersMoon

*Shamrock*TITLE*Shamrock*
A one word title which gives just a hint of what may be to come, leads to intrigue and investigation. Quite a useful tool, using the one word title, it lures the reader.

*Shamrock*CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT*Shamrock*In this short piece there are two characters to learn. One is strict and by the book. I perceive him to be straight laced and by the book. This summation is based on his urgency for secrecy, though they are in an office of high security already.

Lisa appears to me to be more layed back, yet cautious. She is an expert in her field, thus her being called in and put into the loop.

*Shamrock*PLOT:*SHAMROCK*
While altering DNA for the purpose of war, something goes terribly wrong and a new creature is created.

*Shamrock*SUGGESTIONS*Shamrock*
~no grammar, spelling or punctuation errors were notated.

~375 more words could have been used to give added information. Is this a testing facility in the desert so that the containment, when breached allows a small bit of time for the general population to prepare, or if the containment is breached, will there be instant chaos???

*Shamrock*POINTS TO PONDER*Shamrock*
Have you thought about turning this into an actual story, instead of a short story for a prompt? Take what you have and run with it from here? Turn this into a novel.

*Shamrock*OVERALL IMPRESSION*Shamrock*
Overall this is a well written piece. The subject stays within the prompt and the content is in cohesion with the subject. The story is sci-fi genre and is one that could have a regular following if turned into a novel.

lonewolfmcq
877
877
Review of Morning Ardor  
Review by ~WhoMe???~
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Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
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🌕 HuntersMoon

*Shamrock*TITLE*Shamrock*
The title sums it all up as love in the morning. I felt the passion in the title steaming up the Sunday morning sunrise.
A strong title which suggests passionate love.

*Shamrock*FORMAT/STYLE*Shamrock*
Rhyming Alliterisen. Not being schooled in formats and styles, I found this a new lesson. The details for this style are listed below the poem to further educate those who are novice poets like myself. This helps the reader to be better informed when reading the poem.

*Shamrock*RHYTHM/RHYME*Shamrock*
A rhyming couplet with a final line to sum up or wrap up the emotion within the poem. The rhymes were smooth and within subject context.

*Shamrock*SUGGESTIONS*Shamrock*
This would be one to submit for publishing as well. Very well written with no errors found.

*Shamrock*POINTS TO PONDER*Shamrock*
What would another verse added on look like?

*Shamrock*OVERALL IMPRESSION*Shamrock*
Overall this is well written. I am having a hard time grasping the subject of alliterisen and the format itself, but that is just me and the way I am with something new. I felt the direction and instruction added below the poem added further depth and cohesion, bringing this to a six star writing. Great job!
lonewolfmcq
878
878
Review of Dare To Be  
Review by ~WhoMe???~
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Rated: E | (5.0)
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🌕 HuntersMoon

*Shamrock*TITLE*Shamrock*
The title is a challenge which sums up the poem quite well. It is a statement of encouragement which gives a sense of intrigue as to what the dare may be. Coming upon just the title alone is enough to encourage me to read on further. Very creative and all encompassing.
*Shamrock*FORMAT/STYLE*Shamrock*
The format chosen is rhyming couplets grouped together into sets, which create the verse. The first two verses encompass two sets of couplets, and the third and fourth contain three couplets. This alteration does not distract from the poem in any way. It actually shows a progession of time, which goes in sequence with the poem. It does so in the fact that it counts up, from two to three couplets, or in case of lines, four lines to six. This shows progression or time passage.

*Shamrock*RHYTHM/RHYME*Shamrock*
This poem contains ten separate rhymes. Each one is easy to follow, flows smooth off the tongue and is in unison with the partnered word. The rhymes fit well within the subject and in no way look as if they were submitted into the poem merely to rhyme. They appear as if belonging where they are.

The rhythm of the poem is dictated by the punctuation in conjunction with the rhyme. Together the voice of the poem is easily found and can be read, fast or slow. The pace is determined by the reader. Adding pause and voice inflection of the poem doesn't change the meaning, but hammers it home with a flair of drama and sincerity.

*Shamrock*SUGGESTIONS*Shamrock*
This is a well written piece. The grammar, punctuation and spelling were all in order as if this were ready for publication, of which my suggestion is. To publish this one. If nothing else, print this out on special paper, frame it, and give it to your daughter.

*Shamrock*POINTS TO PONDER*Shamrock*
If going with the time progression theory of four lines to six, if you put one single couplet at the beginning, this would be 2, 4, 6. Just an idea to ponder.

*Shamrock*OVERALL IMPRESSION*Shamrock*Overall this is a well written piece. The sentiments moved me and I could see the smile on her face when your daughter reads this. This is written in love and is appropriate for all young women. A wish and a prayer, that really sums up this poem. A very creative writing. Great Job!

lonewolfmcq
879
879
Review of HOME  
Review by ~WhoMe???~
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Rated: E | (5.0)
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omniblueeyes

"HOME" 



KATHLEEN STEVENS
          Welcome to this wonderful site for reading writing and reviewing. There is much to do here and I see you have begun by writing some poetry. This is a wonderful metaphorical piece, leading me to believe that you are no novice when it comes to writing free-style poems.

*Shamrock* TITLE: The title sums up the poem as using writing as a comfort zone; a place to call home; where the author feels the most relaxed. These sum up the poem with clarity and ingenuity.

*Shamrock* BODY: The body of the poem consists of three verses. The first two verses can be metaphorical, and the reader must truly open the eyes to see that this is a poem speaking of writing. To retrace one's steps, they merely open the book and read what they have written. Their words and images are what takes them back ton this journey.

*Thumbsup* Overall I felt this was a very well written poem. The spelling, grammar, and punctuation was all in order. The content stayed true to the subject throughout the poem.


lonewolfmcq
880
880
Review of Reticent Speech  
Review by ~WhoMe???~
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Rated: E | (5.0)
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Civy-Je
A very sad yet romantically loving poem. Often times actions do speak louder than words. More often than not, repeating those special words over and over, happen to make them somehow, sometimes, lose the shine for some. Showing someone you love them, rather than telling them each and every time, leaves a lasting impression.

Somehow, I got the feeling that this was a piece on saying goodbye. One loved dearly has left this life to move on, yet their spirit can still be felt, through the memories of love the two shared.

A well written piece.
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881
881
Review of White Fire  
Review by ~WhoMe???~
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
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katwoman45
*Shamrock*TITLE*Shamrock*
How appropriate of a title, capturing the essence of the poem with such detail, yet giving nothing away. The title sums up this poem with great ease and vivid tapestry. I would make the suggestion of boldening the title if it is to remain on the page with the written text, as to better set it off and make it stand out.

*Shamrock*FORMAT/STYLE*Shamrock*
A free-style poem of nine verses, all of which entice and invite the heat of the encounter. Slight punctuation is used to complement the poem and it in no way detracts from it.

*Shamrock*RHYTHM/RHYME*Shamrock*
The free-style piece has no rhyme and the rhythm is all in the cadence of breath of which the reader chooses to follow. Each verse holds its own merit with punctuation, dictating where to pause, other than that the freedom of reign for this rhythmatic piece lies with the reader.

*Shamrock*SUGGESTIONS*Shamrock*
With no grammatic, punctuation or spelling errors noted, I have no actual suggestions as to improving the basics of the poem. However with the vivid tapestry this poem creates with the steam of passion, I found myself wondering what this would like like centered instead of aligned. Centering this poem on the page so as to have broken alignment may better signify the reunion taking place in the garden.

*Shamrock*POINTS TO PONDER*Shamrock*
This isn't an act that has occured, this is an imagined thought, an idea, turning into an invitation. Many may miss this, or seem to be glossing over it. I wonder how an additional verse would effect the overall balance of the poem, the actual invitation, something in reference of joining in the garden and letting the white fire ignite the passions of love.

*Shamrock*OVERALL IMPRESSION*Shamrock*
Overall I felt this was a well written piece. I feel many are missing the full picture, though that may be due to a hurried read rather than reading this several times over.
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882
882
Review by ~WhoMe???~
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Rated: E | (4.0)
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fyn

*Shamrock*TITLE*Shamrock*:
Strong and independent, this title sums up the plot of the story. The journal being the center stage of this short story, I could think of no other suggestions that would do justice for a title the way the existing one does.

*PARAGRAPH*OPENING PARAGRAPH/SENTENCE:*PARAGRAPH*
The opening sentence and paragraph of a story are vital. Each plays an important part in hooking the reader and luring them into the story. They not only set the story in motion, but entice the reader to continue with the story.

I am not sure the beginning sentence or paragraph has the strength to start out this piece. There is no lure. We are introduced to the book alone, though not enough significance is laid upon it. Perhaps if more information was put into it. Also within the first paragraph it is stated that the book moves (it is previously on a dim shelf, yet then moves only to find itself in the sunlight again. This is inconsistent with the beginning of the story, thus already becoming a problem for the reader to follow comprehensively.

With a whisper of shuffled paper, dust-mites are captured for a breath of time as a stray sunbeam illuminates the dusty dim shelf of which the old unfinished journal had previously sat undisturbed. The unsettled journal slid just a hair more, as if moving forward to be noticed, once again settling in the sunlight.
(merely my suggestion for a different rendition on the opening paragraph.)

*Pencil*SUGGESTIONS*PENCIL*
~Washington and as we stopped

~It was when I had driven close to 5000 miles in the past week and a half that I decided that it was time to land somewhere for a couple of days
This sentence doesn't quite sound right to me. The object is that you had driven 5000 miles. The predicate is that it was time to land somewhere else. However, worded as it is, the clarity is lost in the wordiness of it.

~After driving for 5000 miles over the last week and a half, I decided to land somewhere for a couple of days.

~After driving non-stop over 5000 miles in just under a week and a half, I decided to give my legs a stretch by settling for a day or two.
Just a few suggestions above. I really didn't take anything out of the sentence, just a bit of re-wording.

~ It was so intriguing that I couldn’t wait to get settled and go explore
What about this sentence supports that the city was intriguing? I felt that perhaps enticing would have been a better word. Intrigue sparks a sense of mystery, what was it that was mysterious to the voice? I felt that the character was excited by what she saw and the relaxing picture she paints us with this visual entices her to stop and relax for a while.

~Agreeing to talk later, I was eager to go poke around the village before the stores closed
Agreeing to talk later, we quickly said our goodbyes and I continued on with my journey in exploring the village before the stores closed.


*Gold*POINTS TO PONDER*GOLD*
~towards/upwards~ represents directional movement or action of time. In speech many people like to take the action words and give them an added syllable "s" to help propel them forward. Already being a word of action, this effort is unnecessary and leads to creating a slang term. This terminology then transfers into our writing. Now, if the piece of writing already contains slang terminology throughout the piece, then this would be acceptable, if not, then I would alter the word to the proper form, as I suggest with this instance. This also happens with forward, afterward, inward, downward, backward, outward, beside, to name a few.

~Starting a sentence with a conjunction, but or and, creates an incomplete sentence for the reader. This can be changed by adding a comma and joining the sentence with the previous one, since they are of the same subject. That, or drop the conjunction and open strong for the next sentence. Though the use of conjunctions to start sentences is becoming more of a norm in today's writings, it is still frowned upon in many writing circles. When used with slang terminology, the use of conjunctions to start sentences is a commonality.

~Wooden branch benches
These don't sound so sturdy to me. I can see them being made out of small logs or described as wooden slat benches.

*Rainbowl**Rainbowr*CAUGHT MY EYE/ATTENTION*RAINBOWL**RAINBOWR*
~It took me about five readings to catch on to the italicized leak of information the author reveals to the reader. I think it was quite clever and a great lead although it is in fact just a thought italicized, I like the foreshadowing it gives.

~ I thought it humorous that the townsfolk pointed out things not to miss, then the next sentence begins with her missing the turn in the road.

~ Once the core of the story gets underway, I felt that it was well written. The author knew where they were going with this story completed it in style. A very unexpected ending.

*Thumbsup* Overall this is a well written piece. The storyline is good and the character developement is strong. Viewing the travels through this piece was a pleasure for me.
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883
883
Review of Broken  
Review by ~WhoMe???~
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Rated: E | (4.5)
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"Broken" 



fyn

*Reading*TITLE*READING*
The title is so fitting, I don't think I could have come up with anything that would even come close to how well this suits the short story.

*Reading*OPENING PARAGRAPH*READING*
The opening paragraph should be full of information and creative enough to capture the readers attention and propel them to read further. Though we get the introduction of the main character, and a hint of the plot, the hint is so elusive it doesn't have clarity within the paragraph. The last two sentences are what the first paragraph are about and set the scene for the rest of the story. I do feel however, that they are out of place within the paragraph. What if you started the paragraph out with Something was about to happen, it always did when he broke a bone. Then continue witht he paragraph as it is, ending the story with and he was still waiting. Although join it with another sentence.

*Reading*SUGGETIONS*READING*
~Starting a sentence with a conjunction, but or and, creates an incomplete sentence for the reader. This can be changed by adding a comma and joining the sentence with the previous one, since they are of the same subject. That, or drop the conjunction and open strong for the next sentence. Though the use of conjunctions to start sentences is becoming more of a norm in today's writings, it is still frowned upon in many writing circles. When used with slang terminology, the use of conjunctions to start sentences is a commonality.

*Thumbsup* Overall I felt this was a well written piece. I hope it does well in the contest.
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884
884
Review of Flight Home  
Review by ~WhoMe???~
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Rated: E | (5.0)
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fyn
          This deep and emotional sestina was a moving piece. Telling a story, using such a format isn't always easy, yet this author has done just that. Each verse speaks of some special times shared with grandparents. Memory lane is visited as a circle is drawn leading us back to a time when goodbyes are said and loved ones part.

         I could add nothing to this piece. I felt it was well written. The format was represented with style, and the story was told with great emotion.

          I could picture different timelines in life, as the grandparents were visited. Their house near the waters where the geese would often flock held memories of lessons learned and passage of time.

          The final goodbye was a touching memory that must have been hard to share, yet I felt it was done honor in this great poem.

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885
885
Review of Men in Black  
Review by ~WhoMe???~
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
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Hyperiongate

*Flower1*TITLE*Flower1*
The title is a strong representation of what the short story is about. The men of attention are the center of what brings everything together.



*Flower2*IMAGERY*Flower2*
The imagery isn't detailed with adjectives or fluff, and this is due to a restriction on the word count for this flash piece.

*Flower3*VOICE*Flower3*
The voice of this flash fiction is told as if viewing a movie. It is well written and transfers from person to person with great ease.

*Flower4*SUGGESTIONS*Flower4*
~towards~ represents directional movement or action of time. In speech many people like to take the action words and give them an added syllable "s" to help propel them forward. Already being a word of action, this effort is unnecessary and leads to creating a slang term. This terminology then transfers into our writing. Now, if the piece of writing already contains slang terminology throughout the piece, then this would be acceptable, if not, then I would alter the word to the proper form, as I suggest with this instance. This also happens with forward, afterward, inward, downward, backward, outward, beside, and upward, to name a few.

*Thumbsup* Overall I felt this was a great short piece.
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886
886
Review of A Moment Together  
Review by ~WhoMe???~
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Rated: E | (5.0)
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Tim Chiu

*Flower1*Title*Flower1*
Summing up the poem, at the same time being attractive enough to entice the reader to further investigate this poem, the title and subtext both serve as a great combination of exhileration that compliments the poem.

*Flower2*Form*Flower2*
Written in free-style verse, this poem delivers great impact through lack of formatting.

*Flower3*Visual*Flower3*
A beautiful tapestry of love is displayed through the descriptives and the complimentary adjectives.

*Flower4*Rhythm and Rhyme*Flower4*
Flow is good; line to line transition and breaks are well done. Very nice rhythm.

*Flower5*Voice*Flower5*
Deep emotion comes forth strong in this piece. The relationship and it's growth show prominent through each line.

*Flower6*Suggestion*Flower6*
I felt this was larger than it appears. In order to help pull off this illusion, add a space after the word devotion, creating two seperate verses.

*Thumbsup* Overall, this is a well written poem of love and a blooming relationship. All aspects of a relationship which is evolving in a positive direction seem to be included here.

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887
887
Review of Sin  
Review by ~WhoMe???~
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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"Sin" 



betty
*Flower1*Title*Flower1*
Though the title is strong and fits well with the poem, the subtext is distracting. It is a personal message from the author, of which I felt should have been replaced by something related to the poem. (just a personal thought)

*Flower2*Format*Flower2*
The formatting is broken. The last two verses are written with three lines. This poem can easily adjust so that the first one does so as well, adding cohesion and unity to the poem.

*Flower3*Rhythm and Rhyme*Flower3*The rhythm works fine, though the rhyming pattern is off:

Dark, deep, stark
Sin, rising, within
Face, wail, fail

In so representing the poem, I feel it actually brings more emphasis to the wrap up of the poem and makes it complete. Others may have a problem with this. My thoughts are to leave this part alone. Though I would still alter the first verse to be three lines.

*Flower4*Voice*Flower4*
The voice of the poem to me, is dictated by the lines and title. I imagine it read with a slight whisper of desire and enticement as one leads another astray.

*Thumbsup*Overall, a wonderful poem. A treat to read. Minor adjustments kept this from a five star rating.
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Review of Creed  
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Rated: E | (5.0)
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"Creed" 



BostonFiction

*Quill*Title*Quill*
CREED: A statement or belief. Often used as a symbol or token for which those of like interests can recognize each other. With this definition, I am not sure that this is the best of choice for this poem. I feel something stronger is needed, something that sums up the whole poem.

*Quill*Format*Quill*
A heartfelt view on why you write, these couplets tumble down the page with much inner reflection being shared on the personal views of writing. Though there isn't an exact rhyming scheme, the wording cascades off the tongue when read fast and the rhythm begins to seem like a rhyme. This is due to sporadic rhyming concealed within the verse. Not definitive as to stand out as a constant, but sprinkled hither to so as to flow with ease.

*Quill*Voice*Quill*
The voice of the poem is in first person. I feel the writer telling us of adventures to come from his/her pen. Sitting down to write seems to be a nocturnal ritual for this author. The muse with which the writing flows comes from various sources. This is something most any author can relate to.

*Thumbsup*Overall I felt this was a well penned poem. The voice speaks to all authors on a personal level. There is no telling of age or experience, other than this appears to be a repitition of activity which occurs in the evening hours.

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889
889
Review of DoN't Go AwAy  
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Rated: E | (4.0)
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Miss_Niurka
         Poetry to me reads like a song, if you add a refrain. I feel this is a well written piece, an improvement from the others. The verses are defined more in this piece. The subject stands out. However, I still have the same advice as the other pieces.
*Check1* work on spacing

*Check2*Keep punctuation and the voice of the poem or lyric in mind.

*Check3*Read aloud each line for substance, clarity and to see if anything else may be missing.

*Note1* A few of the lines needed grammar clarification. Some had missing words.

Overall though, this is an improvement from the previous two items
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890
890
Review of how do you feel ?  
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Rated: E | (3.5)
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Miss_Niurka
          This is a poem on feelings and emotions that take you to a dark corner to think and contemplate trust and who you give your heart to.

          Having just given one review, I can see that this poem is outlined or formatted in the same style as the last. That being said many of my suggestions will be the same. Not wanting to copy a review word for word, some of the same information will be presented, just in another way.

*Bullet*Spacing is detrimental to your poetry. With so much space floating between each line, the attention of the reader begins to drift to the edges of the page, no longer concentrating on what the message is the voice of the poem is trying to portray. I would suggest tightening up the lines and adding verses. Create space only between each verse.

*Bullet*Punctuation is direction from the author to the reader, just when and where to take a breath. It gives the reader a feel for what the author or voice of the poem is trying to relate. I would suggest going back in and adding some additional punctuation.

*Bullet*Read outloud. Whenever you feel something is complete, go back and read it aloud at least two times. How does it sound? Does each line make grammatical sense? Is each line in the same present or past tense? Does each verse center around the same subject? How does it sound?

*Check* Once all this is done, then you are well on your way to a finished product. It is then ready for perusal by the general public. I would gladly help with any of these suggestions, and would be pleased to return to see the finished item.

*Thumbsup* Subject matter is good. Directional flow is full of emotion and pull. Only a wee little bit of tweaking and this will be a great poem.

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Review of WhErE aM i ?????  
Review by ~WhoMe???~
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.5)
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*Heart* READ ALL ABOUT IT PACKAGE from Just call me Omni , which consists of three reviews.
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Miss_Niurka
          This is the narration of a dream that the author has had. These are pictures and events during a subconscious experience, which often hold meaning to us in the awakening hours of the day.

*Star*Points to Ponder*Star*
*Note1* Some will tell you that punctuation is needed in poetry. Others will argue that it is not needed and makes no difference. Still, there will be those who say it is up to the particular poet and the poem itself. Personally I feel that the way the verses flow down the page, that punctuation is necessary for this piece. Though without it, the message is still still there, it just isn't as strong .With some punctuation already inside the poem, consistency is recommended. For me, I use to write poetry without any punctuation. Somewhere down the line someone gave me sound advice and it made sense to me. The punctuation, or lack thereof in a poem, is the direction of the writer, guiding the reader. The punctuation is where the author wishes the reader to take a breath; to contemplate; to pause for dramatic effect. The lack of punctuation says the same thing, "Read in one breath, whether slow, or fast, down the page". To me, punctuation is direction from the author to the reader. Use it, or don't , to your heart's desire and don't let anyone persuade you otherwise. However, if using it, be consistent throughout the piece.

*Note2*Poetry is to interpretation. The reader will not always get the same visual the author intended. This being said, the author can help guide the reader through punctuation, capitalization (or lack thereof) grammar, spelling, formatting, bold, italics, fonts, and many more. That being said, the title has caught my eye. The lack of a capital I has me interpreting lack of self confidence or esteem. If that is intended with the piece, then I say leave it as is. If not, then capitalize the I as it should always be in writing.

*Note3*There is too much space between each line. This makes the poem read as one sentence prose. I feel this poem would be much better suited grouped together by verse and subject.

*Pencil*In the beginning, the stage is set for the visual with present tense. It is a narrator telling us a story. In keeping with the tense of the beginning, I have preserved space, changed a few of the wording and added punctuation. This brings all of the elements I have discussed into play as an example of what I see or visualize with this piece. Keep in mind that poetry is to interpretation, and this is just my visual. Take what you can use and disregard the rest.
I’m in the in between.

I was sent to the blue horizon;
Between heaven and earth
I’m dreaming, the same dream
Every single day.

The smell of tombs.
The scream that no one heardhears;
The sound when my heart beatsof my heart beating;
Some peopleFamilair voices calling to me.
I’m hearing their voices everywherethem everywhere.

I wanted to go there.
But I knew if I goI know that if I do,
There’s no coming back.

I wasam standing in front of the door;
The door of my house;
Afraid to go in.
AfraidTerrified to not find anyone.

*Thumbsup* Overall, I can see the direction the author is going with this, however, I feel much more work is yet to be done on this piece. As it stands it reads broken and choppy, thus needing cohension and formatting to bring it together. I would gladly return at a later date to re-review and to help in any way I can.

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892
Review by ~WhoMe???~
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
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Corina_V
         
This is a great free-style piece of love and affection for someone who has made a great impression in your life. The deep emotion and caring come forth through each and every line.

*Note1*Some will tell you that punctuation is needed in poetry. Others will argue that it is not needed and makes no difference. Still, there will be those who say it is up to the particular poet and the poem itself. Personally I feel that the way the verses flow down the page, that punctuation is necessary for this piece. For me, I use to write poetry without any punctuation. Somewhere down the line someone gave me sound advice and it made sense to me. The punctuation, or lack thereof in a poem, is the direction of the writer, guiding the reader. The punctuation is where the author wishes the reader to take a breath; to contemplate; to pause for dramatic effect. The lack of punctuation says the same thing, "Read in one breath, whether slow, or fast, down the page". To me, punctuation is direction from the author to the reader. Use it, or don't , to your heart's desire and don't let anyone persuade you otherwise. However, if using it, be consistent throughout the piece
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893
Review of Itzpapalotl  
Review by ~WhoMe???~
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
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Jeff
          This is a short story of darkness which gives us a brief look into the life of George. He is a lonely man who has routine and order in his life. All that is about to change.

*Note1* lending and eerie I believe what was actually needed here or intended, was lending an eerie, as in describing the eerie,otherworldly beauty. Not as in to lend and be eerie.

*Exclaim* Being a well written story, I could find no grammar, spellling or punctuation errors to mention other than the one listed above. One letter alone is what keeps this from being a perfect writing. That being said, I feel this is a five star rating short story. The content is good and is conscise to subject straight through. The delivery of the ending was well told, though predictible, but not until toward the end.


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894
Review by ~WhoMe???~
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
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Harry
         This is a tribute and poem to a hard-working man. This free-style piece is written without error and pours emotion into each and every line.

          Sadness and heartache rest with each verse as we travel the years watching this man give inspiration and direction to his son. Now, many years later, the son laments on the loss of his dad, as a disease has taken the man that once was and changed him into a mirror image.

         Having personal experience with this disease, I am able to make the connection between what once was, and what now is. I lost my grandmother to this terrible disease. She had one of the most severe cases, and it changed our lives drastically.

          The reference to being "now gone, sort of" could not have pin-pointed the attributes any clearer. The picture this poem paints is vivid and heart tugging.

*Thumbsup* Overall this is a great poem. The depth and the emotion are moving and connect with a powerful punch.


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895
Review by ~WhoMe???~
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Rated: ASR | (4.5)
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ntthomps

          A fable told with great description and detail. This vivid piece draws corrolation through story that allows the reader to connect on a deeper level.

*Note1*~Starting a sentence with a conjunction, but or and, creates an incomplete sentence for the reader. This can be changed by adding a comma and joining the sentence with the previous one, since they are of the same subject. That, or drop the conjunction and open strong for the next sentence. Though the use of conjunctions to start sentences is becoming more of a norm in today's writings, it is still frowned upon in many writing circles. When used with slang terminology, the use of conjunctions to start sentences is a commonality.

*Note2*~upwards~ represents directional movement or action of time. In speech many people like to take the action words and give them an added syllable "s" to help propel them forward. Already being a word of action, this effort is unnecessary and leads to creating a slang term. This terminology then transfers into our writing. Now, if the piece of writing already contains slang terminology throughout the piece, then this would be acceptable, if not, then I would alter the word to the proper form, as I suggest with this instance. This also happens with forward, afterward, inward, downward, backward, outward, beside, and toward, to name a few.

*Thumbsup* Overall I felt this was a great story and would be interested to see what other fables you have to share.
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896
896
Review by ~WhoMe???~
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
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The Milkman

          First impressions leave a lasting mark. Jimmy's first day of school results in a tragic ending. An event happens that devastates him and has his self esteem re-evaluated. Taking measures into his own hands, Jimmy confronts the one to blame and makes a dire decision.

Points of Interest

*Note1*you're going to be to busy to play with them."
too busy to play

*Note2* A comma needs inserted after wholeheartedly

*Note3*~Starting a sentence with a conjunction, but or and, creates an incomplete sentence for the reader. This can be changed by adding a comma and joining the sentence with the previous one, since they are of the same subject. That, or drop the conjunction and open strong for the next sentence. Though the use of conjunctions to start sentences is becoming more of a norm in today's writings, it is still frowned upon in many writing circles. When used with slang terminology, the use of conjunctions to start sentences is a commonality.

*Note4* Instead of " ask no questions I felt that ask any questions fit better grammmatically in the equation.

*Thumbsup* Overall this is a well written piece. There were a few grammatic issues which should be easy to fix. The storyline was easy to follow, and relate to. A well written piece.

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897
Review by ~WhoMe???~
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Rated: ASR | (5.0)
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Crickado
         A love poem of adoration and great emotion, this is a touching poem with smooth rhythm and rhyme.

In the case of this poem, I am not sure about punctuation. It works as it is, and yet there are a few places where I am not fully convinced that a semi-colon or comma should replace the period. Each verse is well written with clear understanding of content. The punctuation influences the voice of a poem as far as when and where, also how, to breath or pause for dramatic effect or reflection.

*Thumbsup* Overall a wonderful piece, thank you for sharing.

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898
898
Review by ~WhoMe???~
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
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Incurable Romantic
          This is a great story of encouragement and reward. Parents taking notice of something that many care to ignore, step up to the plate and help others become aware of etiquette and manners. Taking an interest in our children is and should be a priority for all parties concerned.

          I noticed a few areas that were a bit rough and notated them below:

*Note1*"We’ve never had a single problem with Frank, you and I."
This one comment makes it appear as if the voice of the story is speaking to his spouse. Yet never again is this connection made or even referenced to. I believe it should read more as: ...and yet my wife and I had never had a single problem with Frank.

*Note2*“Well,” I said to myself, better just wait and see what he has to say and go from there.”
The end of this sentence has parenthesis as if it is part of the conversation. These need deleted. the thought is in his head, if anything italicize this, though leaving it as is minus the last parenthesis seems best to me.

~Starting a sentence with a conjunction, but or and, creates an incomplete sentence for the reader. This can be changed by adding a comma and joining the sentence with the previous one, since they are of the same subject. That, or drop the conjunction and open strong for the next sentence. Though the use of conjunctions to start sentences is becoming more of a norm in today's writings, it is still frowned upon in many writing circles. When used with slang terminology, the use of conjunctions to start sentences is a commonality.

*Thumbsup* Overall this is a well written piece. I enjoyed the story. Thank you for sharing.
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Review of Whispering Wishes  
Review by ~WhoMe???~
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
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Daizy May
          It is my pleasure to be stopping by for a review. I am doing so due to the post in the "Simply Positive Review Forum "  [E] forum. Though I am sure eventually I would have gotten around to this piece, I am grateful it was selected as one of the items to be reviewed today.

*Quill*A rhythmatic piece with an alternate rhyme. Each verse holds a smooth rhyme. Nothing is forced and all runs as a fresh spring brook gently flowing down the mountainside.

         To me this speaks of the inner soul. The desire and inner voice speaking to us of things to come or things we would like to do with our lives. This can also be looked upon as a spiritual piece. The voice speaking being that of a higher power.

*Bullet* I noticed no grammar, spelling or punctuation errors to comment upon. This is well written.



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Review of The Invisible Man  
Review by ~WhoMe???~
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Rated: E | (4.5)
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fyn
          It was a treat to see one of your items featured in the "Simply Positive Review Forum "  [E] forum again. It brought me here to take a good look at a short story you have recently written. It is always an honor and treat to read one of your pieces, and I feel this experience was the same, if not more so. Thank you. That being said, on with the review...

*Note1* If nothing else, other than to pause for dramatic effect, I felt a comma should reside after the word dad in the opening sentence. The beginning line should be the one that lures us in. Without the comma, the sentence is striking, however I feel it lacks just a little in the punch. We want that knock-out effect, and I feel with the added comma, we get it.

*Note2* In the third sentence of the opening paragraph, we are still discussing the parents:

His mom had always told him that he was invisible.
His mom had always told him that his father was invisible.
Taken literally, the original sentence implies that the child, Daniel, is invisible, and not the father.

*Note3*I had some issue with the last sentence of paragraph one:
After he had figured out for himself that he was probably the product of in vitro or something, he didn’t even pester his mom about it anymore as she never seemed to want to talk about his dad, nor answer any of the myriad questions he had.
After a while, Daniel quit pestering his mom, for he had deduced that he must be a product of in-vitro or something similar. She never seemed to want to talk about his dad, nor answer any of the myriad questions he had, so what was the point in continuing the query?
I can't say for sure what the problem with the original sentence is, it just seems off to me. So I offered my solution which worked better for me. There may be nothing wrong with the existing sentence, this is just my preference and how I viewed the sentence.


Grammar Issues~Starting a sentence with a conjunction, but or and, creates an incomplete sentence for the reader. This can be changed by adding a comma and joining the sentence with the previous one, since they are of the same subject. That, or drop the conjunction and open strong for the next sentence. Though the use of conjunctions to start sentences is becoming more of a norm in todays writings, it is still frowned upon in many writing circles. When used with slang terminology, the use of conjunctions to start sentences is a commonality. The one place that stood out, which I would change, was the last sentence of paragraph two.

*Bullet* rereading should become re-reading

*Idea* Thought To Ponder: What is the difference between a father and a dad? A dad, raises you, provides for you, is there for comfort and nurturing; the term is more personal. A father is a biological donator with no emotional ties; or a more formal name for a dad... (something I heard along the way and just one viewpoint I have seen expressed in several areas as of late). By using the more formal connotation, it is understood that the male figure has not been a personal figment in Daniels life.

*Thumbsup*Overall, I liked this story. About mid-way through I did see the final end coming at me, I just wasn't sure just how it would make its appearance. Let me clarify that. I saw the man through the invisible shield, only I wasn't sure how he would be revealed. Now, there is nothing wrong with that, for I still shed a tear in the end. The story hooked me from the beginning. A young man out trying to find himself, stumbles upon his niche in life. This doesn't happen so easily, for most, and when it does, all things seem to click into place. The ending wrapped it up quite nicely and made for a great finish. I can easily imagine this as not only a published piece, but also as a movie as well.
A great short story.

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