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Review of Never Loose Hope  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (3.5)
I'm not a poetry pro, but I will do what I can for your review. Your first verse has only 4 lines and the last, only two. Is this a standard type of poetry?

But often at days--the word 'at' doesn't seem to fit...'some' seems to fit better.

Clouds stain it dark--good imagery

The Rainbow will show
Yes, the rainbow will show---I like this line and the double to stress it


Look at the trees
Flowers keep drying
From them keep falling leaves--Do you mean flowers or blossoms? if it's flowers you may want to adjust the verse so the last line goes with the first line and the line about flowers isn't misplaced

Look at the birds
The queens of the skies---Don't let the males hear this, lol they might not like it...what if you said royalty of the skies? Just a thought. lol

Yes, only after they abided fall---or do you mean winter? Fall chashes them away, so they don't abide it...hmmm

I like the stars verse also!

Your last two lines are lovely, yes lovely

love, LinnAnn

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Review of Tai  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Kittens cried for freedom, imprisoned in the womb--I've never heard of kittens crying while still in the womb.

Of make believe worlds and castles made of ice--I like this line, very whimsical

She never heard the last whimper of poor little Tai
How will I tell her no kittens were born?--How terribly sad. We had a batch born of mom and son, and they were all dead or deformed and died shortly. Your poor child...

And the heavens cried snowflakes, as I sat watching--Another lovely line

This was a very tender and sad poem. Very touching.
love, LinnAnn

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Review of Insolvent  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Your second sentence is 73 words long! I highly suggest you read it out loud and at the very minimum, put a period where you run out of breath! Try to keep your sentences 20-25 words long or less.

I read your first twwo paragraphs and could not tell where the pwerson was. There was a doorknob and two rooms, or one room and a hall. I would suggest you put in more description so your reader has a place to stand and a view to see. The imagery was confusing and lost me. I still do not know what your story is about.
Lead the reader as if they are blind, as they are until you paint the scenery.

forcing my eyes to close so that their covers would serve as a backdrops for the projections to --- change the 'a' in front of backdrops to 'the' as he rest are plurals

did the main character murder the family? I'm so sorry , I just didn't get this. But if he did, It sounds like he got the dog too. Bummer, I like dogs
I'm sorry I wasn't more help to you.

love, LinnAnn

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Review of As I Fought  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
I thought
Before I fought.--But did the thinking prevent the battle? lol

I wept
Before I slept.--This is a very touching line, I picture you crying into your pillow as you fall asleep.

I raged
Before I gauged.--does this mean you got angry before you assed the situation?

I was here,
Then gone.---I do not understand this part at all

The greater part of the poem I understand and it is filled with wisdom.

love, LinnAnn

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Review of My Guardian Angel  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
You have left me to die alone, forsaken, despised, and used, and without a ray of hope.---This sounds so bleak and forlorn. The die alone is pitiful and hopeless

Loving you is like being burned alive-- this sounds very painfull so I wonder why you would want to love that person when it's hurtful to you.

Alas, you detest me, and my very presence repulses you.--Again I can't fathom why someone would want to be with such a hurtful person..

I ask of you to enlighten me,to inspire me, and to be my guide for the ride.--But the other person despises you , you said. Why would you want to hope for that?

this was so sad and troubling. I'm so sorry.

love, LinnAnn

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Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I'm not a pro at poetry, but the rhythm is choppy. I've counted out the syllables to see if they match line to equivelent line, and can't do it.

I"m also not sure where you got the 'she' from.

the rhyming pattern breaks down in the wnd verse the 2nd and 4th lines don't rhyme

The money changers with bloated salaries--although 'moneychangers' originaly meant bankers, I think CEO's of large companies fit here too, lol

The pollies in their chauffeured cars--what are pollies?

As she slaughters the rich and corrupt,--there's nothing wrong with being rich, as long as the wealth is used for good .

I"m glad you were able to vent and get all that out of your system! Sometimes the world does that to us. lol

There is some very thought provoking stuff there, thank you.
love, LinnAnn

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Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
devoid of all that once made me a most human of being.--a most human of being? I don't get this. do you mean what made the pwerson a human being?

An effect to a cause that happen decades ago--do you mean 'an effect FROM a cause that happend (past tense)

Such an auspicious height of great depths.--I don't understand this at all

What a terribly sad piece. I have lost most of my family, and to think someone else is giving in to suicide is so very sad. Many have been abused throughout life and have made a good life for themselves. I hope this is not based on your life.

You wrote well, touched me and drew me in as a reader.
love, LinnAnn

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658
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Pressure, stress, a barf-producing little bundle of germs?" ---Is the girl germ phobic? I've never heard of a new baby described quite so gruesomely. lol

, she still should respect my privacy! ---I never promised privacy to my kids in a public place like the kitchen! That's where everyone goes to eat, snack, raid the fridge etc. lol

kissing him!

Although, I imagine he'd be very good at it...

STOP IT!! --You made me laugh here!

putting both on his hand on my shoulders --both of his hands (typo)

with Gavin!I'm being pressured --put space after-- Gavin! I'm being

putting to much pressure --too

into the entry way--entryway or entry-way?

but I knew I needed to do this alone.--sounds like she's going to the gas chamber, not to see a baby! lol

Kid sister may end up hating her big sister for that name, lol

Nicely done, only teeny tiny typos. Cute story.

love, LinnAnn

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Review of The Brave  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Read your piece out loud and where you feel a pause, put in a comma

Stand tall friend you are doing your best,--here you have it 'singular'..then
Sacrifice your all ready to give your lives.--here you turn it to plural-alsoo you may want to consider putting a comma after Sacrifice

You've paid your dues it's an others' time.--I think you mean 'another's time'

Sacrifices on holidays eating in the sands.--may want a comma after 'holidays'

For fellow countrymen and patriotic deeds.--they do the deeds not do something 'for' the deeds.

Not a price is worth humanity total cost.--this says the cost is paying the price when they are both 'the price'...maybe...not sacrificing lives is worth the cost...or Not the price of human lives is worth the cost.....just a thougth and suggestion

With troops who serve some lives are lost.--you may want a comma after 'serve'

We try to protect others' freedom and rights. --you have all plural until you get

to 'freedom' --you may want to add an 's' to freedom. We have several freedoms for our country, freedom of religion, freedom of free speech, freedom of assembly etc..plural

Their times of need we are first with money. --You may want to add 'In' before 'their and put in a coma..as in ....In their times of need, we are first with money

I hope I have been of some help. If you have a family member in the military, I pray they are okay.

love, LinnAnn

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Review of Shipwreck  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Check your spelling and punctuation. I always first type up my work in XP so it helps me catch my goofs and spelling. I'm a horrible speller.

taking frontward backward all around--I didn't get the meaning here

storm went astray--went astray as in left it's predicted course and came back?

But i'll fly away, I'll sink this ship.--You have become the wind?

Never remeber the say that you said--there are enough booboos I can't figure out what this sentence is saying. sorry

but to you it wasn't the way --'it'? or 'I' wasn't the way...

I'm so sorry I couldn't understand more of your poem. Here at the end I got it that it was a relationship. They can be so tempetuious, can't they?

love, LinnAnn

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Review of Snow Angels  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Separating into paragraphs would be good. I'm a bad speller, and spell check doesn't work on here, so pardon my goofs.

angel every day, --every day, or every day there was snow?

ruffled my sopping hair,
going to go make some hot chocolate.---and went to make some hot...

She didn't know that I knw;--typo

When mommy went away, daddy hit me.--expand on this and make a scene, with characters, descriptions, dialogue.

mommy woudl have weird boys over,--give us a scene otherwise you are just listing events, not drawing us into the story. You don' t have to go into great detail. Describe one of the men coming into her room, and italics in an apostrophe for inner thoughts. 'Go away, leave me along.' I thought, but couldn't make my voice work.

if I do a really job at being ---you switched to present tense, leave it past, ...
if I did a really good job some snow angel would come and save me.

If this is based on fact, I'm so sorry. Many of us have endured lives like this.

love, LinnAnn

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Rated: E | (4.0)
of angry vehicles. --use dialogue to show that anger between drivers.

it worth the risk? --risk of what?

A fine is nothing --Unless your car is hauled away and you have to walk 50-75 miles home, or more. lol

black and white shirts--shirts of....uniformed guards, of the two teams? give me a bit more so I know to what you are refering.

marathon run it’s the mosyou need a comma or period in there.

and I am halted at the gates.--This would be another good place for dialogue, make it real, pull us in with more dialgue and descriptions.

Palace of Hope soaring over the city.--Is that a huge inflatable palace, a blimp with a palace painted on it? A bit more information would be good fo all of us who don't live in the country this is from, or province.

halted at the gates. --dialogue here

singing songs with a drunken slur.--that drunk and the game hasn't started? Good putting in the drunken slur, good description

Oi, divint ya want ya scarf like?”--good accents! Aussie?

I walk out of the exit to 50,000 black --Sounds like you're leaving, do you mean walk out to the seating area, to join the rest of the crowd?

Camera flashes glitter around the stad--Good imagery

I"m sure those from where ever you are know who the Shearer is. lol

Love, LinnAnn
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Review of Tomorrow  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This poem' first three verses start out so full of promise and hope, then it turns so painful and hopeless. There is faintly the hint of happy at the end, but it's almost too little too late.

my bones
Break
And can no longer hold me. ---I see so many in their 90's that are well and strong. Osteoporosis, (spelling? lol) can be treated and almost prevented.

I will grow scared when the cancer strikes
Me---that sounds so fatalistic. Cancer does not strike everyone, and many are cured.

I do like the part where the son is praying for the father.

The whole last verse goes against most religions as far as an afterlife, and being whole also means having those memories to take with you. that is all we can take with us are memories and love,

If this is because you lost a loved one, you have my sympathies.

love, LinnAnn

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In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
You must have either seen this in progress, or endured it on your own. This piece is full of wisdom and heartache.

On this journey for a new me,--This one portion of a sentence speaks volumes and yet says so little. You have drawn me (the reader) in and piqued my curiosity, that is good.I am wondering why the journey, what started it?

They’ll cast their stones as I turn the other cheek.---This line makes me wonder if the change is that you have found God or a faith the others do not agree with.

For the most part your poem rhymes, but the last two lines do not. You might consider reworking those last two lines so that the poem is smooth all the way through.

Thank you for being brave enough to share something so personal.

love, LinnAnn

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Review of Ancient Enemies  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
I"m not sure what acrostic means, but I can tell you've got good meter control

You’d think this hatred was in their genes--this made me laugh, are you sure it's not? lol

I love the way you rhymed cat and combat! Nicely done.

So reaction to rivals is rude.--I didn't get what you mean there, it's all just natural and normal. The syllable count seems abrupt. Is it supposed to be that short or is that just how it turned out?

Intrusions in their feastings cause fights.--This line doesn't seem to come off my tongue as well when I read it aloud. That's the only place where it sems off meter, but I didnt count it out.

cute poem. I like how you brought in Africa!

love, LinnAnn

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Rated: E | (3.5)
As my heart gazes it is like an empty bottle--gazing at what?

like an empty bottle With a message that I seek--if the bottle is empty, are you meaning 'without a message'?

But only in my dreams will I receive--a message, and if so, from who?

Sharks swim below as I sing to myself--below? are you having an out of body experience or dreaming you are flying?

Far from out of my reach--I'm not sure you realize you are saying it is near. Do you mean...far out of my reach?\

From a long journey from the heavens--the angel is FROM Heaven?
Tired and weak
Beaten down on the way to heaven--the angel on the way TO heaven? I"m confused

As life has been beat down--you or the angel?

Worn out and tired
Dumb and useless without love--never dum or useless. But feeling useless without a purpose... I understand.

Always remember, someone loves you. I dont know if you believe in God, but He loves you and all the friends and familly you knew before you got to this planet.
Thank you for sharing your soul and pain.

love, LinnAnn

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Review of Rescue me Daturas  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
There is a story here, but I'm not sure I'm fathomed it correctly.

You switch tenses and that drew me out of the mood you were carefully setting.

I looked up --daturas-- and couldn't find it. It sounds like it's a plant but I'm not sure if it's a narcotic(?) as you mention the smile and pain.

When his father made his stone--Since the grandson was talking in your dream, and the dad made the stone, does that mean the grandson died and the father got a gravestone? but your last line you mention a vow to take care of someone, or is it something(?) as in the stone?

The following confused me--

How I wish I reached the end
Yet the ergs were far too long--do you mean effort of work? (from crosswords?)
To stand in dēsertum was foolish--do you mean the sesert?
But my legs did not moved on--did not move on, or could not move on (no 'ed')

The verse with the following made me think the drug weed but this line threw me

One last smile his face withdrew---the smile left, as in death, or the weed (?) was disgusting?

Slowly his heart was beating--was beating or slowly his heart stopped beating?

This reads like a poem of death, and if it is, and it's true, then I grieve for your loss.
It is a nice tribute

love, LinnAnn


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Rated: E | (4.5)
Come gather around by campfire light,--this line alone evoked wonderfully fond memories. What a delightful invitation.

Recite your yarns all through the night.--and we had such fun while we did

We'll raise our glasses one by one--Well....does roasting marshmallows and making smores count just as well? lol

Our Campfire Leader ~ Long live his name.--what a nice tribute.

this was a very sweet poem, warm and comfy. thank you

love, LinnAnn

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Review of Escape Your Grasp  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
She soundslike my stepmother. Sorry 'bout that.

double spae between paragraphs for easier reading by reviewers

I likely would have never been there --you dont clarify if you mean 'there at college' or 'there at home'.

I realize what an opportunity I missed.--That is a great big shame. I hope someday you get to go to something like that for your writing.

merciless hands of her pedophelic father--mothers often hate the child as they get jealous tht the child can entise the man and the mother no longer has that appeal. this is very sad.

Do I hate her? --Pity her, hate only eats at you
Do I love her?--I doubt it. My mother didn't protect me either.
Do I owe her for making me what I am?--You don't owe her anything. Not even respect at that, God said that those who hurt children, if would be better if thy had never been born!
Do I wish I had never been born so that I wouldn't have the emotional scars I have?--There is a reason you survived all that. If possible, help ease the pain of others. It will heal you as well. Maybe you can volunteer at a Womens shelter, or a Domestic Violence shelter? It really does help heal the victims.

still has this power over me that I hope to one day escape. --she only hs power over you if you let her. She is gone, let her stay gone.

I found someone that made a much better 'mom' she ended up being grandma to my children, and great grandma to my grandchildren. She was beloved, and cherished.

Get rid of the hate, and fill your life with love. Be around people that will love and nurter you, people who can help you grow in peace and love.

I'm glad you got to vent. Now ...can you write a piece on the type of mom you wanted?
love, LinnAnn

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Rated: E | (5.0)
awww, I just got done crying over another piece, and a very touching Hallmark movie. sigh It's very hard to see through tears.

protection from the firestorm.--I can tell it's a war, but is firestorm the right word? What does a firestorm mean? I looked it up in a humongous dictionary and a medium sized one and couldn't find a definition. I equate firestorm with a raging forest fire, or nuclear fire. I'm not trying to be picky, I really want to know.

Instead of a pound sign, you may want to use ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
to show a passage of time or place I also use it to show a switch of POV

I have a son with lesser a form of autism. He is 28. It can be hard. My son outgrew most of his symptoms-Asbergers syndrom.

If this is about someone you know, I'm truly sorry. I hope it's fiction. If it is, you did amazingly well in conveying the illness.
I rarely give '5's
love, LinnAnn

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Review of Forgiveness  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I read your first verse as a Hallmark movie was on, and it was a very sad part, so between it and your poem, I cried. It's very hard to type when you can't see through your tears.

The main thing that jumped out at me, and pulled me out of your poem is that you switch tenses from present to past tense.

My soul is in shreds, my heart’s been ripped out,-nicely put although very sad

You shared a very moving poem, and I'm sure the hurt was deep.

Sometimes you have to move away or just blot out the memory of what hurts. I found that praying for the one who caused the hurt helps. I pray for my ex, as he needs to repent in this life not wait for the final judgement to condem him.

I'm glad you are feeling better. God bless you.

love, LinnAnn

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Review of Deep Well  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Is this a spiritual poem? If not, I have read it wrong.

The sun does shine
On the forest surrounding---I read this a being Christ shining on us

Well of life
Abandoned within---The well, reminds me of the waters that if we drink we will never thirst, and we have abandoned it.

Clear the path
To find the water--get rid of all the stuff getting in our way of worshipping

Stagnant and treading
Silently within--I'm not sure of the 'treading', missed the meaning

The third verse---read the scriptures to be filled

Fourth verse-covenants renewed, learning refreshed, having the spirit touch us and renewing us.

then of course as I said, I'f I'm totally off bse, It may not matter, as I still benefitted from your lovely poem

Love, LinnAnn

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Rated: E | (4.0)
Brawn never brains
rule this prison
of gangs divided.---I hear that many prisons are like that. I've never heard of ours being that way, The inmates that I've had contact with have never mentioned it. I helped to run a writers group through the mail

One memory afflicts me,--you mention the memory, but you do not draw the reader in by sharing with us what it is

in my futile attempts
to prove my innocence.--touching words. and all too often true. I have a relative that wasn't even at his own trial and those of us who were witnesses were never informed of it, so were not there either to testify on his behalf. couldn't find a ral lawyer and the court appointeds usually just do the minimum

I do hope this poem isn't about you or someone you love. You did well in your wriing to draw the reader in with the feeling of hopelessness

Love, LinnAnn

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Rated: E | (4.5)
Of all the places I know where to start,
I give to you a piece of my heart.---I love your first two lines. so sweet and romantic!

Nothing makes me happier than you, my love.
You're an angel sent to me from above.--I always cringe when love rhymes with above. BUT that's just my own personal thing, lol You managed to rhymed the other loves with different words, lol

showed me the meaning of true love,--The true meaning of love you showed me
you're the man I've always dreamed of.--you're the man of my dreams that I see

Okay, mines not the hottest,lol, but I wanted to show you what I mean about switching the order around for the rhyming words.

Your poem is touching and lovely. I am not a poet as such, so please do not change your poem to my lines, lol It was just an example, albeit a poor one.

Hang in there.
love, LinnAnn

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Review of "Free"  
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Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
His shirt untucked but well pressed. White and unbuttoned, his sleeves rolled up to his elbows.--Just a suggestion, not a neccesity--I would keep the description of the shirt together, and then the state of the shirt. as in... His white shirt was well pressed but unbuttoned and untucked, his sleeves rolled up to his elbows (Do you mean the shirt was all the way unbuttoned, or just at the collar?)

his breathes long and deep--take off the 'e'---he breathes with difficulty or his breaths came in gasping pants

Every tick, every tock a stroke of the axe at the executioner's block.--nicely worded

Like clock work he disables his alarm --Im not sure where you live, but where I live, 'disable' means to take it apart.

with his a cache case in hand.--what is a 'cache case'? Is that like an attache case?

He raises his arm twisting his wrist to check the time. 6:10, ten minutes before the bus arrives.---Why all the long explanation? why not ...He checks the time, 6:10, ten minutes until the bus arrives......Leave out the 'He raises is arm twisting his wrist'--people know you hve to do that so dont insult their intelligence


ghastly looking emo kid --what is an 'emo' kid? I've never heard of it.

he just pondered the events that had transpired--You don't give us a clue about what. If you mention it, follow through a bit and lead us to the direction you want your reader to go, don't change topics back to reading.

Two blocks (comma)another turn(comma) the bus comes to an abrupt stop.--read it out loud and see how you like the pacing.

His brains like a fire--You need to specify which 'his' and you hve three of them in the preceding sentence. The rider, the shooter and the victim. Yes we find out who he means, but it's best to start out clear so your reader isn't jolted out of the world you have created

A salty dew finds his lips.--Very original!!

neck and begins to suffocate her.--strangle or suffocate her? If it's suffocate, you may want to say what he smothered her with

In your next two sentences you again don't identify which 'he'

"They were always on when the situation got out of control and when I took them off the situation was back to normal. --You need commas

He saw the man pull the trigger and when he had finished he turned his head towards him--You have three 'he's again. There oare other words you can use. "the stranger', the man with the gun, etc.

Like the White Rabbit searching for the land of do as you please.--searching for the 'land of do as you please'---put apostrophe to set it apart

With a gasp he raises his eyebrows. "the glasses!" "What about them" he thought in retaliation. --You've been in present tense the whole time, then you switch to past tense, need to check for those sentences.

You did a good job of building tension and dropping the other shoe at the end. lol

There is some good stuff here, creepy, weird and shivery. lol

Love, LinnAnn

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