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676
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is a very cute poem. I love to ride. I learned when I was about four years old.
The thing that threw me out of your poem was the rhythm. some of the lines were very long and others very short. Since it wasn't free verse, then I and I suppose most readers when seeing a rhyming piece, want the rhythm to fit.

Give me some tack and get me up on the back--This line had three more syllables than your first line in the first verse and 4 more than the first line of the next verse.

You might consider---Give me some tack and up on the back

and my daddy thinks their lazy --I"m not sure what this line means, who is 'lazy'?

You go girl. I love to watch riders do their stuff.
love, LinnAnn

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Review of how you say it  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
A very interesting poem. You drew me in and got me to think, that is good!

people always lie--that is not an absolute. Tere are those who try very hard to always tell the truth, kindly. and since I don't want to lie, I can always refuse to answer. 'How does this dress look on me?' "You have other dresses that are much more becoming on you.'

a look cannot be spoken
thought you say with your eyes--I'm not sure if I'm reading this wrong, or if there is a typo. If there was an 'a' before spoken it totally changes the meaning. I like the thought of the 'a' Looks speak volumes, hate, adoration, fear, confusion, but looks can deceive just as words

but if you feel it you may cry--I had a husband that could cry and make people believe he felt remorse, so even tears can lie

how come it comes out sounding wrong?--I have no idea. I get foot in mouth desease all the time. lol

You have some good stuff here, and as I said, it is thought provoking.

love, LinnAnn

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Review of Crystal Ball  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
and a dreamy look held his face.--I was told a dreamy look (or other look) can't hold a face. But it can be dreamy from what it is beholding. lol

not because there was anything worth recording. --I guess he never heard of creative memoirs, lol that is why we write fiction, those of us who have no lives, live through books. lol

vision of the King book--You're giving me shivers. I hope he doesn't end up in a King world. That would be awful scary!

go through the glass and come out on the other sid--is this suspense build up?

the lights and dizzy are pretty standard fare. Not bad, there are only so many ways we can jump from one world to another.

sure that he was just in an incredibly vivid dream.--I've had dreams this vivid. I was in a cast for 4 months, no walking either, I dreamed I could run, walk and dance ballet. I never could dance ballet to begin with. lol

in stripes of yellow and black--do you mean strips?

"CAPTAIN TRIPS" SUPERFLU RAGES UNCHECKED--nice twist-reminds me of an old Twilight zone

but all he could do was shake his head. --Shaking is not nodding, so I took this as a 'no' BUT.....

"Then come with me! --This makes it sound like he said yes.

Poor man, doesn't realize those worlds are in the books, and he could make even more if he learned to write fiction! lol

Nicely done. I think there could have been more dialogue, even if on a phone, or talking to himself out loud as he lamented his life. There is a lot of narration.

but this was nicely done.

love, LinnAnn

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Review of The Ring  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
What a delightful story. I was expecting the happy ending, and I'm glad you did not let me down! lol

hands shook slightly as he reeled in a small fish. --Then when I read 'small fish' I thought 'oh, no, don't do it, don't let me down.' and you didn't, I was also worried it would'nt fit as hands, as mine are, get swollen with arthritis.

So I'm sitting here a happy camper. Thank you very much

Love, LInnAnn

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Review of Dear Diary  
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
still hold a thin strand of conceit despite my lackluster appearance of today--Is it really conceit, or regret for what is lost?

They made me keep the baby.--If this story is true...social services would have been happy to find you a guardian ad litum and help adopt the baby out to a family that would be better prepared to care for it than a 16 year old.

Sarah stubbornly remained attached to my body.--to bad nursing wasn't encouraged an supported, me and my daughters all got our figures back in a matter of weeks from the baby eating so many calories from us

So long ballerina. Hello Mommy.--What a terribly sad ending.

I was also a mom at 16, I was raped. I was an orphan, I kept my son as I needed someone to live for, someone to try for.

I got my teaching degree, I got my dream. There are ballet classes for adults.

I also sang, I copied the greats on tv and video tape. I made it to Carnegie Hall in NY and sang in a Russian opera. My oldest was out of the home by then. I still had four at home and was divorced.

Never give up your dreams. They may take longer, they may not be quite as you planned, but you can still achieve so much!!

This is heartfelt. If it's not real, then it is doubly good as it is very touching.

love, LinnAnn

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Review of Damned to sin  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
I wrote this for you the one I knew,
but now I'm Damned from you too.--These two lines say 'you'

Damned am I and she is my bane.--This line says 'she' are you still talking to the 'you' about a different girl, the 'she' or are you now taling to the reader about the original girl who is now the 'she'?

You left me for someone that's new, --You are back to 'you', you've lost this reader

You are impaired most fleshly lust, -there is no comma, so I'm not sure how to read this. Is the 'you' impaired or did she impair you?

Also rhyming lust with rust is reaching too far for the rhyme, you maight try to rework that verse.

I miss her smiyou switched from you to her again

I have great pain while she is well, --would her pain or death really take away your pain?

I know I'm damned, my life is Hell.--I do like this last line, nice finish.

I hope some of this might be helpful. You have some good stuff here. It is worth the time to polish it up

love, LinnAnn

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Rated: E | (4.0)
For all of you who have not tried, or have been afraid to try, I have one thing to say; Do not let the time slip past!--so many people never get to this stage. they are full of the 'what if i'm no good. What if No one likes me." they covered that in the Back to the Future movie. Did you see it, George says it to his future son, who knows how he feels. That little confession gave Marty the courage to get on that stage, and the fear he'd never get born. lol

All I had to do was open my mouth and let my heart sing--I love this sentence! I loved to sing, and my step mother always cussed me out and told me to stop singing. Years later I sang in a Russian Opera at Carnegie Hall.

And even if it sounds like a croak, to those that matter, it will sound like the most beautiful song they ever heard!--This is true for someone we want to impress or for money, sam thing there. What really matters is, do we love what we are doing?

Thanks for sharing again.

love, LinnAnn

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Review of The Battle  
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Rated: E | (4.5)
The title didn't hint enough! Then when I read your short, short, short, lol It cracked me up.

Menacing-looking birds --I guess using the word 'vultures' would have been too obvious? lol

for some reason this reminded me of the civil war. All the bodies often left set out as there were not enough people left to bury them. Scavenger birds got it all.

Nicely done.
love, LinnAnn

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Rated: E | (4.0)
They were right, you do need the title to give us a better hint. you did well.

“Sorry about the mix-up.”--well played. If he had not said those words he could have been dead in the next sentence. You set up the problem with your hint, and then re resolve in the second sentence and then happy ever after by the second and last line.

This is the first time I've ever heard of stories this short! This is the flashest , flash fiction I've ever heard of. lol
Nicely done.

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Review of Letters  
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
In a flash of hot sulfur, ---I like this, much bett than 'he lit a match', nicely done

How did things ever get this far? When will they end? Will my family forgive me? Do they even care?--since these are thoughts, you may want to put them in italics with only one apostrophy at each end. That is the standard way.

flicked it against the far wall--fires start that way, but id does show disdain and anger

tattered and musty with the age and dampness of sitting on the tile floor of a basement room--nicely done as well

The faint scent of perfume lingered on the yellowed paper.--Unless in an airtight container, the scent would have been long gone if the paper is yellowed, that shows a great age.

what their fathers would do anything and everything to protect. --Very nicely an delicately put

When you said basement room I di not think of a prison.. .around here someone could drown if they had a bsement cell.

this was nicely done, evoked sentiment and true feeling.

love, LinnAnn
686
686
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
I suppose it was nice, in a way, to know that so many people felt I was worth a few bucks and a sentiment on my birthday;--You suppose? for my birthday I got handed a cheesecake and a carton of icecream, hen my sons left to go play video games and smoke out in the garage. They're 40 and28. that was it, no friends, no singing, nothing else.. I would say there is no suppose about it..

I couldnt even get my sons to come and help with putting on the roof after our hurricane/tornado, even when the Salvation army gave me the suppllies. it wasn't until my sons were homeless that they came and put the roof on.

If this story is true, you are indeed very fortunate to have friends and family that care so much. E didn't even get cards from my other three grown children that live out of state.

You're indeed very fortunate.

This piece was written well and everyone loves hapy endings!

Love, LinnAnn

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687
Review of The Knockout  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
"Skipper Morgan is your man, Mr. Savage." --sound a little bit 1950's corny. lol But I guess that is what you had in mind.

You did the dialect very well. I give you credit for that. There was a lot of narration but I honestly didn't see where you could have put more in. Like I said you did a good job.

the way you were saying she was a knickout I was expecting her to knock out the champ when he offered her the obscene view. so I'm still not sure what you meant by her being a knockout when you said she was besides her looks.

cute story non the less, lol

Love, LinnAnn

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In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (3.5)
I think it would read better if you said 'I' throughout the piece. As events are usually happening to the dreamer.

How they move so slowly when you are pumping them so quickly is beyond your powers of comprehension;--I used to wonder about that as a kid...found out later, it's because you mind can put images in so fast, whole dreams in a matter of seconds, but your body can't keep up.

A very interesting dream and you put it down quie well. I learned to manipulate my dreams as a child. You may try that, it makes for interesting effects, lol I would lift my feet and 'swim-fly' in my dreams.

thank you for sharing.
love, LinnAnn

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Review of Plead for peace  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Would you allow me to breath one last breath of life before I die?--This sounds like you're talking to God, but later it sounds like you are talking to regular people.

Would you clean my conscience so that I may walk alone without demons beside me?--I really lke this line. It really touches the heart and pulls the reader in.

Could you feed me a piece of redemption so that I may talk without a burdened soul within me?--Again, a very touching line, an appeal to God? He is the only one who can give this.

Could you show me the light, for I am filled with darkness and I accept it.--This line is a bit confusing, do you acknowledge you have darkness in you, or do you accept it as in welcome it?

Let me dream once more, for all my life is a blood riddled nightmare, make me feel awake.--A very teasing line. It makes the reader question, is this person a murderer, or was he/she a solder and has had to kill?

Let me feel emotion like everyone else so that I may feel human for once, then you may take it away again.--why let someone take it away from you once you have regained it?

Make me care for those who deserve my affection for they are bleeding for my dead heart.--are they bleeding for your dead heart. or because of it?

Make me rise from the grave where I have laid for so long now so that I might feel alive in this rotting shell of blood and skin.--a very tormented soul, it is so sad

This is my plead for peace and I shall be forever grateful to who ever can grant it and I hate all who do not even try.--As long as you hate, there can not be peace, as hate is the antithisis of peace and love.

this is a very sad and moving piece. If it is about you, then I hope you are finding the help you need.

Love, LinnAnn

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Review of The Painting  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.5)
I'm not sure if she is comparing herself to th ewoman in the painting, or if she IS the woman in the painting and has lived all this time, which is what it sounds like to me.

the painting that would haunt me from the moment I saw it and still haunts me to this day--this is where I first got confused. there is a gap in time, but I can't ell when it takes place.

He was not the first, or the last, life to be sacrificed--it might work better this way--
His was not the first, or the last life to be sacrificed--

This was very interesting, it would be more so, if the time differences could be worked out. Now that the contest is over, you may wnt to fine tune it.

I am working on a novel, and my group that critiques my work, sometimes they point out that I'm confusing. lol Sometimes whats in our heads doesn't come out on paper how we want it . That's what's great bout having another set of eyes. lol
keep goingn.
love, LinnAnn

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In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (3.5)
in a dry, dusty desert.--Normally I'd say this part is a given, but the repetition is good

Family legend said he was a wacko, a lunatic--maybe a small hint as to why could go here?

dark and depressed--was the house depressed, or was it depressing?

“Uncle Lark?” Anthony had the job of finding his uncle and it was turning out to be very difficult.--give us more to see. Pull us in with something to se, hear, smell etc.

heard the house creak,--the whole house, or the stairs as he climbed them

His hair was a mess;--tell who 'he' is right off, ...Uncle Larks hair.. or Anthony's hair...

Hiding? “Coming.” Anthony bounded --It hink it needs a bit more than just 'hiding' Give him more thoughts. Thoughts are usually done in italics.

Unless this is a flash fiction where you have to keep it extra breaf, I'd expand with more description. Let us see and feel the house, help us to be afraid with Anthony.

You have a good start, go for it.

Love, LinnAnn

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In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I really enjoyed reading your poem. It made me smile. You evoked a cute but seductive atmosphere, and in such a short poem! lol

The wind dances patterns across the still waters,---Very cool, I love the imagery

We're passing these chances and skirting disaster,--this was provokative, 'skirting disaster'

Selfishly seeking solutions to feeling,--I also liked this line, thought provoking

I'm moonstruck, you're spellbound, admit it.--this is the line that made me smile

Falling and reeling I'm lost in your eyes.--lost in your eyes, well used oldie, I like it

Searching for meaning that logic denies.--Great ending line

love, LinnAnn

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Review of The Chosen One  
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Rated: E | (4.5)
this was totally unexpected and sort of creepy in a humerous way. lol How on earth did you happen on this topic and this point of view?

It was cold, it was freezing--I totally didn't get the reference, lol

11 brothers and sisters were going on a trip--totally missed that too, maybe cause I was an orphan, but it just totally missed it as far as the hen going off for grain, lol you really had it hid well, or was I just extra dumb? lol

And as 11 pale faces turned up towards him, hunger, fear, questions, clear in their round faces--This totally threw me as since eggs don't know fear, hunger or have questions, at least as far as we know...lol

shivered with his siblings in the cold, white compartment,--I'm picturing kids in undies waiting for a medical exam in a cold Dr.s' office

picked him up and stared at him with a smile--since eggs dont have eyes I was thinking child picked up in an orphanage. You had me all the weay to breakfast.
Well done!!

Love, LinnAnn

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Review of Stargazer  
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Rated: E | (5.0)
I found this very interesting. I didn't get all of it, but poetry is often that way. The reader takes and interprets how they will.

I caught the light of a nebulous glow-----I like this line, nebulous glow especially flows off my tongue

stellar nursery and stellar grave,--nicely worded contrast

Phoenixes reborn from the lives they gave.--I'm not sure I understand this, but it sounds wonderful the way you worded it.

I pondered this cloud with great persistence
and found a glimpse of an answer long sought
to the question of our own existence.---very nicely said, good word choice, not patently obvious

By travel-weary photons I’ve been taught--travel weary, again, nicely put

that the cosmos created eyes in me
so it can gaze and have itself to see.--the last line is sooo deep and profound. I love it. I rarely give '5's

love, LinnAnn

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Rated: E | (4.0)
Having this all one very, very long verse makes it very hard to read.

Since it rhymes I take it as a poem. I tried reading it but the meter wasn't even, so I tried again out loud. I suggest you might want to consider working on the meter.


The mother spoke and said "right then girls"--Do you mean "Right, then girls." or "Right then, girls...? It's an incomplete sentence. Or did you mean to combine it with the rest> You put quote marks around parts that look like they should go in the same quoate marks, sentence. You should change quote marks only for a different speaker. See my example below.


The mother spoke and said "Right then. Girls
hair up in rags to get wonderful curls.
We must hurry, and get into town
to pick out the most stunning gown"----would they really put their hair in curls and then go to town? And wouldn't they get three gowns?

The sisters arrived with their mother in tow
Sending the young girl to the basement below--You may want to have her going to the basement after she helps them get ready as you suggested earlier.

Where she found a lovely pink silky glove--Just a glove, no dress?

“A balls being held at the palace tonight"--This we already know

"I have come to help your plight”---I think you mean help her in her plight. Otherwise you are helping to make things worse. Plight means trouble.

Yet the young girl did not show fear---You may want to say young lady, or young woman as saying young girl makes me think of an eight year old.

A few magical flicks and a look of delight--You may want to rework this as you don'tsay who wore the look of delight, the fairy at her work, or the young lady at how she looked

She climbed in the carriage being towed by the horse--last we knew the fairy was speaking, so you might want to clarify that it's Cinderell getting in the ball

“Remember midnight”, “oh yeas ma’am of course”--You might want to seperate sentences as it's two different speakers..

Her sisters and mother, his biggest fan--The girls plus mother equals three, that means you need to have a plural and make it 'fans'

Horror stuck as it began to chime--The way you hve this written, the girls head is what chimed. Your verbs and nouns need to agree

Would she make it back or not?--Do you really mean make it, or do you mean make it back in time?

Ahead on the stairs was a solitary shoe--solitary sounds good, but too many syllables (4) you could say 'single' that's only (2).

To get on the shoe that they tried to pry--Prying in this case means to pry something loose, not slipping on a shoe.

It was obvious they were not the ones from the night--incomplete sentence 'from the night ...of what?

The girl was the only woman left in the town--here is what I was meaning. You call her a child and a woman in the same sentence

I can tell you put a lot of work in this and I give you a lot of credit. With some more work, you can make it wonderful!! I do hope you try to improve it. I wish you my best.

Love, LinnAnn

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Review of True Nature  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (3.0)
I'm not sure if this is supposed to be poetry or not as it is all one sentence. It is broken up into lines like a verse though so I will treat it as poetry. I hope that is okay.

The True Nature of man
depicts a Legacy---I'm not sure why you have the capital letters after the first word, especially Legacy. Is it a name?

If we were totally without virtue, then we would not exist as an entire race would we? Not meaning to be religious, but it sounds like you are waxing religiously not just philisophically.

our journeyto better our former selves---We are here to improve ourselves and to learn, but I am confused by the 'better our former selves'. We cannot better waht was can we, only what we are at each moment, the 'now'.

You have given an interesting premise, and given one something to ponder. This has merit, drawing your readers in and causing them to think.

Love, LinnAnn

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Review of "Prologue"  
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Rated: E | (3.0)
Please excuse any typos. My computer is about 13 years old and very slow and can't keep up with my typing. So I don't see mistakes until about 6 lines too late. lol

This is typed past the line at the side. I will review the best I can wihout being able to see the rest of each sentence.

"It" is aware of the paradox of “not being” that ---but you said 'it' was the sole survivor so it must be a being of some sort would it not?

Only the thin fragile fabric of the Universe separates them.---Now I'm wondering what 'them ' are.

The Word was power. --Now when I read this in the Bible, I took the Word as meaning truth, as it was with God.

compete for the same space.--actually they didn't compete for the same space. He seperated them and in Genesis 1:16 he made two great lights; the greater light to rule the day , and the lesser light to rule the night. He also made stars. Each had it's own purpose

Where their skins touched, the fabric of time and space formed.--I"m not sure what you man here as time and space already existed. Time was alrady bing counted in the 'days' and he made the Stars, Moon and Sun in the space, then filled it with the Earth made of the firmament.

You say that this is a story, yet you base at least some of it on the Bible, and 'truth' so I'm not sure where you are going with your story. You may want to consider the reader and their reaction to what you start with to base your premis on. You have some interesting stuff there, but by mixing it with scripture you confuse your reader. I do love sci-fi. I hope you do well with your story.


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Review of Strength Within  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
There are so many that do not have the money or resources. I stayed stuck for years because I had disabled children and not enough income to support ourselves and I could not work full time. This is a growing epidemic. You wrote a very nice piece here, very encouraging.

Now, for the mechanics...

Is there a reason for the first verse to be only two lines? If it's not in the structure, then you may want to make it four lines so it fits with the rest of the poem.

But be secure you will no longer suffer a hit or shove--This line is way too long and doesn't fit with the meter. You may want to consider reworking it. Try going through this and beat out the rythm with your hand, see how it works

All in all, nicely done.

love, LinnAnn

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Review of Homeless  
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Owning nothing, being nothing, having no one.--I've been homeless, and at no time did I feel like I was a nothing, my youngest son was homeless for a few months, and I never felt he was nothing either. He just got an apartment a few days ago, along with very noisy roomates. If you experienced the feeling of being nothing, I'm very sorry. I hope things are loking up for you now.

Have no voice or anyone to talk to when you are hurting and in need of a few kind words.--If this is where you are now, or ever are, you can talk to me

Leaving behind any good memories of a life long gone--Do keep those memories. In fact there was a news feature just this weekend about a homeless man who found his voice, now doing commercials, found his mother, in her nineties, He hadn't sen her in years, and met his grown children he hadn't seen in over 10 years I think. There is always hope. I was homeless. Got my degree, got work, now have a home.

food bank who tells you that you can't come back for another two weeks.--our foodbank says once ever 34 days. Our church got a tent and supplies for one homeless man, and the city took it all while he was at the shelter eating. I understand

and nothing will ever be ok again. --It can be okay again. I'd had to put my son in foster care as sleeping in a car with a three year old in the desert isn't acceptable for a child, or anyone for that matter.

It isn't just you. I have two grown sons that came home to live with me , homeless because the bottom fell out of the construction business. the third son couldn't get home because he didn't hve the money for a tailer or hitch. There are peole who understand. Get to the Mormon church. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. They have counseling, they hve employment specialists, free, and will try to help. I've taken in the homeless several times. Hang in there. You will be in my prayers.

love, LinnAnn

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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This totally cracked me up. I have no idea what you meant when you wrote this, but I had some fantastic imagery going on. Weird stuff, let me tell you! lol

Your first verse reminded me of a show I saw where to get the guy to loose weight, they had him chasing voluptious women, told he could have one if he caught her .

Then when he gave up, they had a big hairy woman chasing him, he was told if she caught him she could have him. lol


Your second and third verses made me think of when I as thirteen, in an orphanage (with no mom to teach me) and learning to shave my legs, those claws were the razor. the digging into my flesh...I took a big streak up my left shin, and peeled away a whole bunch of skin! Blood ran bright and shimmery down the drain of the communal shower

The last verse, back to the running man! roflol

Love, LinnAnn

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