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Review of Plead for peace  Open in new Window.
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Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Would you allow me to breath one last breath of life before I die?--This sounds like you're talking to God, but later it sounds like you are talking to regular people.

Would you clean my conscience so that I may walk alone without demons beside me?--I really lke this line. It really touches the heart and pulls the reader in.

Could you feed me a piece of redemption so that I may talk without a burdened soul within me?--Again, a very touching line, an appeal to God? He is the only one who can give this.

Could you show me the light, for I am filled with darkness and I accept it.--This line is a bit confusing, do you acknowledge you have darkness in you, or do you accept it as in welcome it?

Let me dream once more, for all my life is a blood riddled nightmare, make me feel awake.--A very teasing line. It makes the reader question, is this person a murderer, or was he/she a solder and has had to kill?

Let me feel emotion like everyone else so that I may feel human for once, then you may take it away again.--why let someone take it away from you once you have regained it?

Make me care for those who deserve my affection for they are bleeding for my dead heart.--are they bleeding for your dead heart. or because of it?

Make me rise from the grave where I have laid for so long now so that I might feel alive in this rotting shell of blood and skin.--a very tormented soul, it is so sad

This is my plead for peace and I shall be forever grateful to who ever can grant it and I hate all who do not even try.--As long as you hate, there can not be peace, as hate is the antithisis of peace and love.

this is a very sad and moving piece. If it is about you, then I hope you are finding the help you need.

Love, LinnAnn

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Review of The Painting  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (3.5)
I'm not sure if she is comparing herself to th ewoman in the painting, or if she IS the woman in the painting and has lived all this time, which is what it sounds like to me.

the painting that would haunt me from the moment I saw it and still haunts me to this day--this is where I first got confused. there is a gap in time, but I can't ell when it takes place.

He was not the first, or the last, life to be sacrificed--it might work better this way--
His was not the first, or the last life to be sacrificed--

This was very interesting, it would be more so, if the time differences could be worked out. Now that the contest is over, you may wnt to fine tune it.

I am working on a novel, and my group that critiques my work, sometimes they point out that I'm confusing. lol Sometimes whats in our heads doesn't come out on paper how we want it . That's what's great bout having another set of eyes. lol
keep goingn.
love, LinnAnn

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Rated: E | (3.5)
in a dry, dusty desert.--Normally I'd say this part is a given, but the repetition is good

Family legend said he was a wacko, a lunatic--maybe a small hint as to why could go here?

dark and depressed--was the house depressed, or was it depressing?

“Uncle Lark?” Anthony had the job of finding his uncle and it was turning out to be very difficult.--give us more to see. Pull us in with something to se, hear, smell etc.

heard the house creak,--the whole house, or the stairs as he climbed them

His hair was a mess;--tell who 'he' is right off, ...Uncle Larks hair.. or Anthony's hair...

Hiding? “Coming.” Anthony bounded --It hink it needs a bit more than just 'hiding' Give him more thoughts. Thoughts are usually done in italics.

Unless this is a flash fiction where you have to keep it extra breaf, I'd expand with more description. Let us see and feel the house, help us to be afraid with Anthony.

You have a good start, go for it.

Love, LinnAnn

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Rated: E | (4.5)
I really enjoyed reading your poem. It made me smile. You evoked a cute but seductive atmosphere, and in such a short poem! lol

The wind dances patterns across the still waters,---Very cool, I love the imagery

We're passing these chances and skirting disaster,--this was provokative, 'skirting disaster'

Selfishly seeking solutions to feeling,--I also liked this line, thought provoking

I'm moonstruck, you're spellbound, admit it.--this is the line that made me smile

Falling and reeling I'm lost in your eyes.--lost in your eyes, well used oldie, I like it

Searching for meaning that logic denies.--Great ending line

love, LinnAnn

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Review of The Chosen One  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.5)
this was totally unexpected and sort of creepy in a humerous way. lol How on earth did you happen on this topic and this point of view?

It was cold, it was freezing--I totally didn't get the reference, lol

11 brothers and sisters were going on a trip--totally missed that too, maybe cause I was an orphan, but it just totally missed it as far as the hen going off for grain, lol you really had it hid well, or was I just extra dumb? lol

And as 11 pale faces turned up towards him, hunger, fear, questions, clear in their round faces--This totally threw me as since eggs don't know fear, hunger or have questions, at least as far as we know...lol

shivered with his siblings in the cold, white compartment,--I'm picturing kids in undies waiting for a medical exam in a cold Dr.s' office

picked him up and stared at him with a smile--since eggs dont have eyes I was thinking child picked up in an orphanage. You had me all the weay to breakfast.
Well done!!

Love, LinnAnn

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Review of Stargazer  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (5.0)
I found this very interesting. I didn't get all of it, but poetry is often that way. The reader takes and interprets how they will.

I caught the light of a nebulous glow-----I like this line, nebulous glow especially flows off my tongue

stellar nursery and stellar grave,--nicely worded contrast

Phoenixes reborn from the lives they gave.--I'm not sure I understand this, but it sounds wonderful the way you worded it.

I pondered this cloud with great persistence
and found a glimpse of an answer long sought
to the question of our own existence.---very nicely said, good word choice, not patently obvious

By travel-weary photons I’ve been taught--travel weary, again, nicely put

that the cosmos created eyes in me
so it can gaze and have itself to see.--the last line is sooo deep and profound. I love it. I rarely give '5's

love, LinnAnn

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Rated: E | (4.0)
Having this all one very, very long verse makes it very hard to read.

Since it rhymes I take it as a poem. I tried reading it but the meter wasn't even, so I tried again out loud. I suggest you might want to consider working on the meter.


The mother spoke and said "right then girls"--Do you mean "Right, then girls." or "Right then, girls...? It's an incomplete sentence. Or did you mean to combine it with the rest> You put quote marks around parts that look like they should go in the same quoate marks, sentence. You should change quote marks only for a different speaker. See my example below.


The mother spoke and said "Right then. Girls
hair up in rags to get wonderful curls.
We must hurry, and get into town
to pick out the most stunning gown"----would they really put their hair in curls and then go to town? And wouldn't they get three gowns?

The sisters arrived with their mother in tow
Sending the young girl to the basement below--You may want to have her going to the basement after she helps them get ready as you suggested earlier.

Where she found a lovely pink silky glove--Just a glove, no dress?

“A balls being held at the palace tonight"--This we already know

"I have come to help your plight”---I think you mean help her in her plight. Otherwise you are helping to make things worse. Plight means trouble.

Yet the young girl did not show fear---You may want to say young lady, or young woman as saying young girl makes me think of an eight year old.

A few magical flicks and a look of delight--You may want to rework this as you don'tsay who wore the look of delight, the fairy at her work, or the young lady at how she looked

She climbed in the carriage being towed by the horse--last we knew the fairy was speaking, so you might want to clarify that it's Cinderell getting in the ball

“Remember midnight”, “oh yeas ma’am of course”--You might want to seperate sentences as it's two different speakers..

Her sisters and mother, his biggest fan--The girls plus mother equals three, that means you need to have a plural and make it 'fans'

Horror stuck as it began to chime--The way you hve this written, the girls head is what chimed. Your verbs and nouns need to agree

Would she make it back or not?--Do you really mean make it, or do you mean make it back in time?

Ahead on the stairs was a solitary shoe--solitary sounds good, but too many syllables (4) you could say 'single' that's only (2).

To get on the shoe that they tried to pry--Prying in this case means to pry something loose, not slipping on a shoe.

It was obvious they were not the ones from the night--incomplete sentence 'from the night ...of what?

The girl was the only woman left in the town--here is what I was meaning. You call her a child and a woman in the same sentence

I can tell you put a lot of work in this and I give you a lot of credit. With some more work, you can make it wonderful!! I do hope you try to improve it. I wish you my best.

Love, LinnAnn

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Review of True Nature  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (3.0)
I'm not sure if this is supposed to be poetry or not as it is all one sentence. It is broken up into lines like a verse though so I will treat it as poetry. I hope that is okay.

The True Nature of man
depicts a Legacy---I'm not sure why you have the capital letters after the first word, especially Legacy. Is it a name?

If we were totally without virtue, then we would not exist as an entire race would we? Not meaning to be religious, but it sounds like you are waxing religiously not just philisophically.

our journeyto better our former selves---We are here to improve ourselves and to learn, but I am confused by the 'better our former selves'. We cannot better waht was can we, only what we are at each moment, the 'now'.

You have given an interesting premise, and given one something to ponder. This has merit, drawing your readers in and causing them to think.

Love, LinnAnn

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Review of "Prologue"  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (3.0)
Please excuse any typos. My computer is about 13 years old and very slow and can't keep up with my typing. So I don't see mistakes until about 6 lines too late. lol

This is typed past the line at the side. I will review the best I can wihout being able to see the rest of each sentence.

"It" is aware of the paradox of “not being” that ---but you said 'it' was the sole survivor so it must be a being of some sort would it not?

Only the thin fragile fabric of the Universe separates them.---Now I'm wondering what 'them ' are.

The Word was power. --Now when I read this in the Bible, I took the Word as meaning truth, as it was with God.

compete for the same space.--actually they didn't compete for the same space. He seperated them and in Genesis 1:16 he made two great lights; the greater light to rule the day , and the lesser light to rule the night. He also made stars. Each had it's own purpose

Where their skins touched, the fabric of time and space formed.--I"m not sure what you man here as time and space already existed. Time was alrady bing counted in the 'days' and he made the Stars, Moon and Sun in the space, then filled it with the Earth made of the firmament.

You say that this is a story, yet you base at least some of it on the Bible, and 'truth' so I'm not sure where you are going with your story. You may want to consider the reader and their reaction to what you start with to base your premis on. You have some interesting stuff there, but by mixing it with scripture you confuse your reader. I do love sci-fi. I hope you do well with your story.


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Review of Strength Within  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.0)
There are so many that do not have the money or resources. I stayed stuck for years because I had disabled children and not enough income to support ourselves and I could not work full time. This is a growing epidemic. You wrote a very nice piece here, very encouraging.

Now, for the mechanics...

Is there a reason for the first verse to be only two lines? If it's not in the structure, then you may want to make it four lines so it fits with the rest of the poem.

But be secure you will no longer suffer a hit or shove--This line is way too long and doesn't fit with the meter. You may want to consider reworking it. Try going through this and beat out the rythm with your hand, see how it works

All in all, nicely done.

love, LinnAnn

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Review of Homeless  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Owning nothing, being nothing, having no one.--I've been homeless, and at no time did I feel like I was a nothing, my youngest son was homeless for a few months, and I never felt he was nothing either. He just got an apartment a few days ago, along with very noisy roomates. If you experienced the feeling of being nothing, I'm very sorry. I hope things are loking up for you now.

Have no voice or anyone to talk to when you are hurting and in need of a few kind words.--If this is where you are now, or ever are, you can talk to me

Leaving behind any good memories of a life long gone--Do keep those memories. In fact there was a news feature just this weekend about a homeless man who found his voice, now doing commercials, found his mother, in her nineties, He hadn't sen her in years, and met his grown children he hadn't seen in over 10 years I think. There is always hope. I was homeless. Got my degree, got work, now have a home.

food bank who tells you that you can't come back for another two weeks.--our foodbank says once ever 34 days. Our church got a tent and supplies for one homeless man, and the city took it all while he was at the shelter eating. I understand

and nothing will ever be ok again. --It can be okay again. I'd had to put my son in foster care as sleeping in a car with a three year old in the desert isn't acceptable for a child, or anyone for that matter.

It isn't just you. I have two grown sons that came home to live with me , homeless because the bottom fell out of the construction business. the third son couldn't get home because he didn't hve the money for a tailer or hitch. There are peole who understand. Get to the Mormon church. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. They have counseling, they hve employment specialists, free, and will try to help. I've taken in the homeless several times. Hang in there. You will be in my prayers.

love, LinnAnn

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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This totally cracked me up. I have no idea what you meant when you wrote this, but I had some fantastic imagery going on. Weird stuff, let me tell you! lol

Your first verse reminded me of a show I saw where to get the guy to loose weight, they had him chasing voluptious women, told he could have one if he caught her .

Then when he gave up, they had a big hairy woman chasing him, he was told if she caught him she could have him. lol


Your second and third verses made me think of when I as thirteen, in an orphanage (with no mom to teach me) and learning to shave my legs, those claws were the razor. the digging into my flesh...I took a big streak up my left shin, and peeled away a whole bunch of skin! Blood ran bright and shimmery down the drain of the communal shower

The last verse, back to the running man! roflol

Love, LinnAnn

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Rated: E | (4.0)
I would not agree with your assesment, I find it has value.

The thing with poetry, people may interpret differently than you felt or 'saw' when you were writing it.

Your first verse reminds me of a lady I know who is schizophrenic (pardon spelling)
She lives a miserable life, even with being on medication. It also reminds me when Satans influence attacks and sucks all the light and life out of you

The second verse reminds me of how I feel when praying, or singing hymns or reading scriptures. I really like this verse, all full of light and hope.

Your last verse, unfortunately, is so true. Too many people can and do spin events, truth and all to how they want to see it.

Nicely done. Give yourself some credit

love, LinnAnn

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Review of A Haiku for You  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (3.0)
Winter warmth, without,---I'm not sure what you mean here. she didn't give warmth? or you're glad she isn't with you because she was cold? Or you don't have warmth?

I'm not sure what you found in the silent moments.

But I sure understand the 'keep him, I'm happy" My ex can keep her, and he's not happy, and tha's fine with me too. lol

I wish you the best.
love, LinnAnn

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Rated: E | (3.0)
Is it that I'm too tired, or are there no listed reviews to make? Isn't this the place where we click on the people to review?
Happy New Year
love, LinnAnn

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Review of Glass  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.5)
I stare at the glaze of the train window,--do you mean the glass, or frost on the glass? I"m not sure what you mean.

irises illuminate with subconscious greens and blues.--I"m not sure subconscious is the word you want. It sounds like YOU are changing your eye color without thought instead of them flickering colors reflected from the outside scenery.

my face swims through the countryside like a breath of wind.---I REALLY like this line.

My glasses showed me the words of a book.--What happened to the train? If you are elsewhere, you may want a smoother transition line.

leave me with the heavy air--I was lead to believe it would be cold or frigid air, which is what makes it heavy?

Shutting this window of words--again, nicely done, I'm impressed with your ability to weave the web of words that so nicely ensnare me

frame of gold, smiling with the heat of a swollen pain--I"m not sure I get this line. she seems enticing to you then you liken her to a hurt?

movement of flickering colours and letters --I dont' get the 'letters'

glasses, perched upon my nose, the --with the comma after glasses, it makes it sound like the glasses are on your nose. If you take that comma out, then it makes them sound absent

room shrinks to only us – shrinks to accommodate only her.--either this is contradictory or you may want to add the word 'again as in shrinks again to accommodate only her.

sun rises in my world during the night--nicely said

a whisper of lightning.--also nicely done

You have some wonderful word weaving here.

love, LinnAnn

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Review of Winter Solstice  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.0)
This was just way too short. I wanted it to continue. I did like it.

After the longest, darkest night--This line alone can be interpreted so many ways. A long night in Alaska that can last months, or a long 'night' of despair from grief and loss, or just being alone, cut off from God through sin, or even a night filled with storm and destruction

We welcome back bright heaven's light---And this line in its' simplicity telling us whatever it was is blessedly over.

And help the waking world grow strong.--could be a person, or literally the world.

Nicely done.
Merry Christmas

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Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
My review disappeared.

I saw the years of my youth slip away, without concern.
Not knowing any better, I became comfortable in my inner misery.---the first line says 'without concern' leading me to think it was enjoyable yet you then say you became comfortable in misery. This confuses me.

The barbed wire that surrounded my heart, corroded. --corroded hints at negative yet you then say you had joy. this also confused me. the line arbout corroding was intriguing. That is good.

Merry Christmas

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Review of Help?  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (2.5)
Sorry bout the typos and I can hardly see. Also my computer is about 5-6 lines behind my typing as it's about 12-15 years old.

practically packed for medical school and same for me for law school---
So we say our goodbyes promising to stay in touch --Saying almost packed and saying goodbye in same sentence doesn't work. Need to separeate the thoughts.

I practically ran round my desk to the intercom to tell my assistant to take Sam down to the directors office and leave him there until I went to get him. Then, over the intercom I asked the director to watch Sam for a while. ---I"m not seeing why you'd thnk the director would babysit you, and why you would ask AFTER you made arraingements to send hm there.

my door say a eight year old boy sitting ---say?

---------------------------------------------

Since you are speaking from the viewpoint of a lawyer, you have to have the spelling and all correct.

also, you need to have all the first part in dialogue, show don't tell. If you were looking at a tv show and the screen was white, and you only heard the narrator, how thrilled would you be? Give us scenery, dialogue. Read a favorite book and see how much dialogue is in each page.

You cover nine months here in only one page and the dialogue is only in the last little part. Let us hear them saying goodbye. Give us some scenes where she is having to deal with the grief of saying goodbye to her new baby. The going to school while kid has chicken pox. Trust me, that one is hard as no one wants to watch a contagious kid. I did have good Proffs though, they were very kind.

You have an interesting premis, go for it.
I wish you the best.
love, LinnAnn

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Rated: E | (4.0)
falling onto the spring blossoms of a cherry tree.
It had been warm earlier in the week,
but a cold northern wind crept down for a last blast on the land.----We had this inreverse. The flower blossoms faded and then we had snow and ice, then a warm trend and the flower shrubs started to bud out. then more snow and ice, and they all died.

YOu described it well.

With a shiver, she melted into a dewdrop and fell to the ground.--I"M not sure if 'dewdrop' is the right word as it makes a mental picture of it forming on the ground.

As a reminder of all the beautiful snowflakes of winter,
The tree sent down a fluttering shower of pink petals---The petals usually fall off my trees 'after' spring and hopefully after they've been pollinated. I'ts usually nt the beginning of spring or there would not be any flowers or fruit. Bees don't come out when it's that cold and if the blossoms are gone, what can they pollinate?

I know this sounds picky, but if you want to acptivate and keep your reader, you may want to think of those things so you don't loose them.

On a whole, nicely done. I like the way you gave a voice to the snowflakes. I also like how you made the poem an eternal round of rebirth.

love, LinnAnn

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Review of First drum set  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.0)
My last name is Pike, wonder if we're related waaay back. lol
This was adorable. I got one of my grandsons a drum set to help him with his therapy. His left side had seizures and the drums were the way I got him to use his left hand. So this touched me

but...the following lines---that brighten the day for his mom with the plugs
lighten the night for his dad with the plugs---The first thing I thought of was hair plugs, not ear plugs, just a funny thought, don't mind me it's late. lol

I wish it had a bit more symmetry Your first verse is three lines,before the can, can, can with one word in the fourth line

Next verse is four lines before the ears, but the last verse is only three lines.

Again, very cute.
love, LinnAnn

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Rated: E | (4.0)
Please pardon in advance any typos, my glasses were stolen.
--------

bah-rum-ba-bum-bum…”---The published words are "pa rum pa rum pum, rum pa rum pum, rum pa rum pum.

family wasn’t eating well, and over the years she’d amassed a collection of tableware to mollify her qualms.--I do not understand this. If someone is worried people aren't eating, how is spending money on fancy collectible dishes going to help?

“Whose that for?” he asked.---Whose is asking a question as in "Whose tree is that?"
You mean here, "Who is that for" so it's "Who's that for?" The correct way would be 'To whom is that for?" But the way I showed with the contraction is okay to show the way someone speaks.
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You brought a lump to m;y throat and tears to my eyes. Nicely done.
love, LinnAnn

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Review of Just Remember Me  Open in new Window.
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Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
maybe someone will recognize me--this should be in italics also as it's a thought

There is no way that I’m in New York… I would’ve had to remember something about it… right?--again, italics as it's a thought

New York-type accent--I didnt find New Yorkers having a strong accent when I was there, but maybe in Queens or the Bronx? You might want to check on it

not recognizing the person inside of it.---do you mean reflected in it?

Her bloodshot green eyes were the first things I noticed--I'm not sure her eyes would show up that well in only a window reflection

considering the slight tangles in my hair and my eyes. ---You are saying she has tangles in her eyes. How about, "tangles in my hair and the redness in my eyes'?

“Is she okay?!” “Help her!!” “What happened?” “Don’t worry, we’re here to help; can you hear me?!” ---Since these are not her thoughts they should not be in italics.

Now am I going insane?! --Starting with the word'now' makes it sound like she was waiting for it.

Strangely, he was one of the only people I’ve recognized in this whole situation. Why? I thought, Why me?---Your topic starts out with 'he' then you switche to why me? --You lost me.


TYhis has the makings of a good story. it as confusing in spots, but I think it's totally fixable. I hope you do as it has merit.
love, LinnAnn

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Review of Christmas  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (3.5)
PLease pardon any typos, lost my glases and my computer is so slow, it's about 4-5 lines behind my typing.

on the eve of the Christmas carnival, on a crowd bursting ----do you mean 'in' a crowd?

throat which she fiddled with her free hand,---throat at which she fiddled with her free hand

She pulled along the little girl attached to one hand, Isobel, with her flossy black ---which one is isobel? the 'she' or the little girl?

as her tiny rosebud mouth open in ---opened

turned to find an artist sat on his stool, ---artist sitting on his stool

The air puffed with his cold breath---the air didn't puff, his breath puffed in the cold air. the breath would be warm, thus the steam

“I don’t know, perhaps you should ask her. I’m just Annie.”--her? again who is Annie, the woman or the child? I know you explain better later on, but your reader doesn't want to be confused throughout most of your piece.

Isobel’s giggle sounded like chimes of bells as she pulled on her hand, jumping on her red plastic toes like she wanted to take flight.--you have four she's or hers and nothing to distinguish between Isobel and Annie

“Isn’t it pretty?” Annie lifted Isobel ---Which person is speaking?

Turning to stall holder ---maybe instead, turning to the vendor?

handed over her last five pound note ---It may be touching, but as amother of 5 -I would not buy a trinket and not have any money left for food for my child, let alone not have enough for a place to sleep.

A note of hope would be to have them at least at a shelter and give the gift as the toddler fell asleep.

These are just my observations, I hope they help. This is a very sweet story.

Love, LinnAnn

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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I have lost my glasses , so please pardon any typos. I'm leaning over my hands trying to see the screen as best I can. lol

Usually I have lots to suggest to writers, but your piece was very well done! It had good pacing, sentences were of good length. Your hadnling of suspense was also well done. The bit of twist at the end was good, but you left me wondering what she saw coming across the lake. You made it sound like ti wasn't the husband, so is the lake haunted? lol
love, LinnAnn

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