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In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Splint on hand, typing is hard, so pardon them.

I"m not very familiar with this style to comment on it, but did notice it had a pattern. You captured the Joker wonderfully. I don't remember the pocket full of knives, have to check that out too. lol

Pockets full o' knives and lint--Was there really lint? or was this just something people have so yo mentioned it? lol

Your last two lines cracked me up.

love, LinnAnn

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627
Review of To Love a Human  
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Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
It's late and my computer is about 6 lines behind my typing, so please pardon my typos. Also this logged me out while I as reviewing this, So if you get two, sorry. This one has a bit more at the bottom


First paragraph starts out good, emotion and action, good description. A little mystery with the comment about the parents.

I opened the large oak door --bedroom door? You gave us good description of sheets and railing, give us some 'place'

a castle from the old times,--You can take out 'old times' as it's a given, I dont think there are any castles being built these days.

could also afford all of them ---All fo them in wthe world, or in their home?

However, they died four years ago, when I was merely twelve years old. Marie was sixteen at the time --this could be in a dream sequence at the beginning so it's 'shown' to us not 'told. You could put the 'never fall in love, in another nightmare, lol"

She was beautiful and I envied my older sister. She had beautiful, long, ebony hair that felt like silk. ---You use 'beautiful' twice too closely together. How about...I envied my beautiful older sister. Her long, ebony hair felt like silk....
You already told us she is beautiful, so we will know that all the attributes you mention are what make her beautiful.

The night my parents died Marie instantly snapped me to attention.--This is vague and confusing. Where are they? What were they doing? It sounds like Ella was sitting at the table and the sister snapped her fingers to pull her out of a daydream. Make sure what is in your head comes out onto the pape.r

All the parents dying, the packing all that shuld be the beginnning of your story. Dont tell us like some invisible announcer, take us there, pull us into the action and suspense,

I had pounced out of the Ferrari--People and animals pounce ON things, not out of them, ...maybe 'bounce' or jumped or flew out of the ...

"Mom and Dad ordered all four of us to death.--As in 'scared me to death' or do you mean ordered them killed? If you mean killed, then why?

through some of our rooms to the kitchen --'some of our rooms' sounds awkward..Why not splash in an upstairs bathroom?

face, a human instinct.--I'm human and I don't have any urge to do that. lol so is this a machine programmed with what someone thought was 'normal'

When I change Point Of View....I dn't put their names up on top or at the side, I put squiggle lines to show a change of scene or POV.

only our kind could hear as to warn --take out the word 'as'

Read this slowly, out loud and you will hear the mistakes, the missing words, or the words that don't quite fit.

"When they burn us to death, mother and father will not be there to console you in the afterlife because what you are doing is wrong," Ella snapped at me and went back to her room.--good hint at mystery, and...back up to her room. reinforce she came downstairs

It's late, I can't finish this right now, but if you want to go back over it, start your story sooner, with the parents getting killed and rework this, I'd be happy to do another critique. You have some intriguing stuff here, it can be more complete. This sounds like it would be a great novel if filled in and not so much just told to us.

JUst read it aloud and you will find little words missing and tenses changed. I guess they put the paranormal/fantasy in with the sci fi now. Also, you hinted at danger, or problems, but didn't deliver. this could be a lot better with a whole lot more filled in, the action etc. The place you stoppped sounded more like a chapter break.
love, LinnAnn


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In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Typing right on here, typos and mistakes happen. So type it on your computer in word, or XP if you have it. Then you can read it aloud and find all the little errors and typos. If YOU do your first edit, then you will get better reviews and more in depth ones. You have sentences with missing words.

You do have dialogue, that is great!

I recommend you get a copy of Writers Digest Desk Grammar Reference. You can check one out at your library, or used book stores. You can also buy one at half.com for a couple of dollars and about $5 postage. That will tell you about your punctuation.

Get rid of your first paragraph and put the neeced information into the body of your story. Do you know what it means to "Show don't tell?" If you were watching tv and only had a blank screen and some voice telling you the plot, would you be happy with that? When you are watching a show, do you want to see the action? Pull your reader in, give us something to hear, scenery, texture. Give us emotions so we can feel empathy with your heros, anger at your villians.

started on a bright summer day. My love, Rebecca, has been on a --You changed tenses..started-has been

I was worried that but --worried about that(,)but YOu switche between pilot and Rebecca, one topic per paragraph

I look at the caller ID---I look(ed) at

I asked with joy in my words.----Awkward, (is English not your native language?)My happiness at her call showed in my voice,

"I am the queen of your military's --giving hints of bad things to come is good. You put this out there, and then ruin the tension by the explanation that follows. Put the mutants at the beginning of the story, IN the story, as part of it and what is happening, the action.

If you go back over this and rewrite, correction the mistakes you can find, putting it in better chronological order, I will be happy to help you again. Go through what i commented on. You hve some good stuff here, lets make it even better.

love, LinnAnn

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Review of Revolution!  
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Rated: E | (3.0)
You have a pretty good synopsis here. If you 'showed' not told us it could be a good story, albeit longer. Was this getting you ready to write a story or book? If this was meant to be a story, you need dialogue, scene description, and the senses.

Your first paragraph tells us the war was won, then in paragraph 5 you mention a war. Are you going back to the first war, or is there another one?

The struggle for independence was long and hard. No small amount of damage was done to the cities and to Mars itself, and many lives were lost, but in the end everyone agreed it had been worth it.----This alone could be half a book, show us the war, begginning , middle and end. If you were watching a movie, and all you had was a blank screen and a voice coming out of the speaker, would that satisfy you?

I have no idea what your world looks like, smells like etc.

Oh, finally having freedom of association, able to talk to anyone instead of just others from your own corporation block--Why was it this way? Were they originally conscripts, prisoners sent up to do their time working?

describe the sheer joy of being able to talk, really talk, to your next door neighbour ---why were they not allowed to ? Were there guards every few yards to stop them?

The war within a war, the parts stashing, all of that, was that the start of the war, or after the war and things didn't get back on track?

other plants were starting to down tools and demand independence---down tools? What does that mean?

the planet’s own precious regolith being booby-trapped with cunningly placed explosive--For those who flunked geology, you may want to use the 'mantlerock' instead of regolith. I had to look it up. lol I knew what mantlerock was...

Eventually, the Earth faction was cornered into the Earth landing bases, and given the choice of becoming Martian or returning to Earth. --Explaining the two factions would be good. I have no idea what you are talking about as you have't told or 'shown' us.

We look forward to continued trade with Earth, and welcome newly uploaded Virtual Humans who wish to embody in a newly developed Martian apparatus.---If they have all that technologies why upload virtual humans from computers on Earth? You could have told us at the beginning it as a synopsis of history or fake humans. Why would fake humans need that history? If they are using cmputers, they just put in the infor and get the output.

Just my suggestion, forget the last line and make the rest of it a story. You have some good stuff here, use it!
love, LinnAnn

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Review of Untitled  
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Rachel, this has some powerful emotion in it.

I can be the smell you love, before the rain.---Several ines jumped out at me, this one did as well.

I can be what makes you want to love you.--This line I think is the one that caught me the most. What a wonderful thing, to help someone love themselves. I think that is the most nobelest of things a human can do for another.

love, LinnAnn

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Review of Will It Ever Be?  
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Heck no! Never be content if you are striving for more. That is what gives us hope. That is also what writers groups are for, lol This is the first poem I've read all night that I understood.

Maybe it's because i am also a writer, but I understood the first verse totally. But think, all the greats have tons of rejection letters. JK Rowling got turned down by a LOT and look at her now!

We may have to work harder, we may have to pray that the economy doesn't kill the industry, but we must keep going. Even if it's only a reading at your local library, or to your children, grandshildren (or in my case my sons dog) we persevere.

see it in my mind--Get it out of there and onto paper! You an do it. The poem is good and shows talent, believe in yourself.

Love, LinnAnn

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Rated: E | (3.0)
It's late, please pardon my typos, burning eyes.

Eyes; prepubescent lilies in the field--ou grabbed my attention right here, wow, so original

They open when I kiss like fist to touch--You lost me here'fist to touch'? violence?

If quenching dying thirst is minimal--This is a good line! powerful

This obviously is about love and pain, but i can't fathom some of it. That is often the way of poetry, known best to the writer. there are powerful lines in here.

Love, LinnAnn

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Review of Snake Eyes  
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Rated: E | (3.5)
It's late, pleae pardon my typos.

I don't know if you wrote this as all one paragraph without a break in between the lines, or if you didn't see the spot you could click on to keep the shape ou had it in.

I start to think possible all life to all be a lie,--I didnt get this line, what you meant by 'glazed' It sounds hard and unyielding

I will not be fooled by your caressing stare--Yet this line is soft and 'caressing'--I'm confused

The shuddering in exstasy makes me think this may not be E rated.

My eyes turned down to the dismalness of the floor--Is dismalness a word? Maybe just dismal floor...

There is some very powerful prose here, some good wordage, and I don't know if that is a word either, lol You did portray the grief very well.

love, LinnAnn

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Rated: E | (4.0)
I have no idea what this poem is all about. It starts so sad and is so dismal. Such unrelenting sadness and lack of hope. A dreary outlook on life.

You rhyme well, and do not seem to have to stretch or reach uncomfortably for the rhyme except in one line. it doesn't fit in meter.

I start to think possible all life to all be a lie,--your other third lines are mostly 9 or 10 syllables but this one is 13 and threw me out of your piece. maybe...

I start to think all life to all be a lie or
I start to think possible all life is a lie or...

I do like the last line, even though I do not know what th epoem means, there must be something good hidden in that parade for you to want to consider joining it.

Even though I do not understand it, it was well written. Does that make sense? lol

love, LinnAnn

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Review of Immortality  
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Us mortals dream of life,
Eternal existence in one breath.
While you ancient immortals
Sit and daydream about death.--This sounds so terribly sad. Where there are worlds unnumbered to explore, so much more to learn and shape. I think about all the angels and God, working each day to make lives better. these must be greek gods? lol

FYour second verse is so profound and deep. I like the thought that we are not, well, not all of us, lol

Your third and forth verses are just lovely. Your rhyming is natural and fluent, not stretching to make it work.

If after speaking for a million years
What else is there left to say?--There are those of us who would thnk of something, lol

You’re the master of time
Yet it has you on one knee.--Again, very deep and though provoking

Exactly what do you live for?--I guess I'll have to ask God when I see him. But I want to explore all those worlds, and try to help others become better and enjoy their short lives.

I thouroughly enjoyed this poem! Wonderful, thought provoking and just brilliant. I rarely give 5 points. You knocked my socks off

Love, LinnAnn

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Rated: E | (3.0)
It is late, pardon my typos.

I have no idea what your poem is saying. that is often the way with poetry, it sings to the writer more than to anyone else.

The innocent wins, how wretched.--I thought the tears were from the innocent, and I can't understand why it would be wretched for an innocent person, child , to win.

There is bliss in virtue but it tends to smolder--I've never heard of virtue smoldering. I have heard of passion, anger, hate, other things smouldering. I"m sorry, I am trying to fathom this.

An unintelligent plague adds shadows to a black room
Unknown affliction leaves a dark footprint.---Though I do not know how these two lines relate in the poem, they are nonetheless very powerful lines.

I also do not get the last part. I"m sorry. I feel like I've let you down. Maybe others can be of more help.

love, LinnAnn


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Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
I"m crosseyed from lack of sleep, so pardon my typos.

While I wait for my friends, Jeanette and Lucille, to come by I think I will sit out on my porch and enjoy the sunset tonight. I grab a light jacket and a banana and head out to the front porch and take a seat.---This sentence is present, but most of the rest is past tense. Change this one so it matches, or all the rest to this.



for the summer; I am going out ----You may want to put a period instead to keep length down.

steam from the long --the week didn tcause the steam, you may want to say 'steam from the stress of the long... or steam from the long

weird that a mid-June night this nice----weird that we have a mid...

either raining or about to start.--boy you got that right, freezing cold rain all over this half of the state today, lol

not as hard as one would think. I’m a little bit smaller than average but ---Your small stature makes work and school easier? I don't get it. If you are going to transistion from your efforts foschool and work to your looks, you may want a separate paragraph.

Your fourth paragraph is actually one very long sentence of about 32 words. You also left out a word. Yo may want to split it up for easier reading and clarification.

You may also want to read up on how to work descriptions of your characters in , in a more natural way. I had to read up on this. I usually don't put in enough, but putting in so much all in one lump detracts from your story. Your plot also counts.

She wasn’t wearing a lot of make-up but had on cover up and eye make up like most everyone else.--If her makup does't help your story, then you could lelave it out.

Jeanette liked to work out and had a stunning, so naturally --had a stunning what? You left out a word earlier also.

she tended to get a lot of attention from the guys--Don't tell us that, SHOW us by having a guy fawn over her, dialogue.

I ran up to give her a large hug replying.--This sentence goes with the next paragraph and the words she will speak.

I ran up to give her a large hug replying(,) “It’s been great! I’m having a lot of fun and everyone there is so nice. How about you? You’re working full time at the grocery store(,) right?”

Lucille was “absolutely adorable”---You say she doesn't talk too much, but you don't tell us in what way she is adorable.-looks, persohality, quirks??

I"m so sorry I'm exhausted. If you want to send this to me later and put a dotted line here to show me where I left off, I'll be happy to finish.

so far we have a lot of words and not much sotry. I'd get to the point a lot faster. you have 8 chapters and no plot so far. I'll help you if you want.

Love, LinnAnn

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Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Is this just meant to be an essay? It would work well to be a story with dialogue and description. There is some good topics here that could be expanded on instead of just mentioned in a time line.



And while the ability to rent a car (at vastly inflated prices since I was not yet twenty-one) or be tried as an adult held a certain joie de vivre, the real pleasure of being eighteen in the ability to vote.--This sentence is a bit long and has two sub topics-voting and imprisonment. lol

hanging-chad votes --You cracked me up with this. I think that was the first and only time 'hanging chads' came into play. And since it was a Bush that caused the problem so a Bush could win...go figure..

and waking up one night during a torrential downpour, to find your air mattress floating in the waterlogged bottom of the tent certainly qualified as that experience.--You poor thing. That sounds like it would ahve bade a great story all by itself.

I should mention that my grades weren't bad, and I could have gone to either of the two semi-local four-year universities right out of high school. Unfortunately, 2000 was also the year I discovered that what I really wanted to do with my education was earn a degree in film ---I didn't copy all of this paragraph, but I think it could be written better, stating you went....even though your grades were...because you didn't...

You have us at your wedding years later, then go back to the classmates death. Put this in chronological order.

It was the first time in my life I was faced with loss of someone I knew personally, and knew well. It was the first time in my life I had to put on a brave face and do a job, when all I wanted to do was run and hide. And it was the first time in my life I saw the true power of emotion as it crumbled someone we all thought was impenetrable.---In this paragraph you use the repetition well, but you leave teh reader haning on the last line. It doesn't make sense to introduced a topic and not finish it.

It wasn't until the last semester of my senior year that I began to have fun and enjoy myself.--You introduce another topic and then leave us hanging. Why did you not have funn the other years?

learned that not every date has to lead toward a committed relationship, and not every dance has to be danced with your soul-mate.---This is very profound yet you tell us nothing about how you came to that realization.

I do like your summation in your last sentence.

Do consider turning this into a story, not just a narrative.

love, LinnAnn

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Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
("Honest, I didn't chew that rug, it was the other mutt"), justice ("No, not my kennel. What'd I do now?"), and the American way ("I'm innocent until proven guilty, or you catch me in the act").---This whole bit just cracked me up, and I don't think it's the sleep deprivation, lol

somewheres beneath that silken hair --Thre is no 's' on somewhere

Paragraph 5 convinced me he'd be out the door or in the kennel when I was gone!

I thought this was cute, and had some very funny spots. But I would never want your dog. lol I have enough with my sons three pitbulls.

love, LinnAnn

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Review of Comment-In-A-Box  
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Rated: E | (5.0)
I enjoyed reading this but it did raise mre questions than I realized.
What does the 'static' item mean? All of my pieces in my portfolio are static items.

Did I do it wrong to put prose and poetry all in the 'Static' catagory?

I wish my printer worked so I could copy and print this article to tape up by my computer.

I have been hesitant to give very low ratings to those whos work requires a lot of my time, hours sometimes, becuase of all the errors. I just didn't want to hurt feelings. I've also had people anwer my reviews with very nasty comments. "Everyone else gave me '5's and you ruined my rating!"

How do you deal with that?

Thanks for posting this, I will try to figure out how to make it a favorite.
Love, LinnAnn

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Review of Two Mimes  
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Rated: E | (4.5)
The mother gazes at her child, and slowly starts to weep--I didnt know what to feel, grief tbecuae ther is something wrong with the child, or crying from joy that there is another on the way

These two Mimes know, that what you reap is what you sow--I'd either add a comma after 'reap' or move theother one to there. But that is a personal preference from reading it out loud.

You made the rhyming natural and you didn't have to reach for it. The rhymes were great. The ending was sad and made me feel sad, which is what you are supoosed to do, engage teh reader and make us feel for your characters.

love, LinnAnn

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Review of Tale untold  
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Rated: E | (4.5)
What a sweet and lovely poem. Memories of our lost pets and their eternal resting places in various yards. all the tears and tender memorials said by heartbroken children, and mom.

Single vine creeps over splintering wood--This line so made me want to reach out to

Speaking across years if I’ll my heart lend--I very tender entreaty

Briefly I trod in misty distant vale
Contented for pondering unknown tale--I picture an overlapping vision of oder man and young boy, walking with the faithful dog by their side

thanks you so much for sharing this with us. so accurate POV.
Love, LinnAnn

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Review of chasing ranbows  
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Rated: 18+ | (2.0)
First off, this is going to be so hard to read with it all one paragraph. Do take pity on us reviewers and put it into paragraphs in the future.

With the parts about Bongs, and weed and his indecent clothing and the swearing;, especially the F word, I don't think this piece should be rated E for everyone.

The rating is for the 'E' as it is not, and I did not finish reading the piece.
love, LinnAnn

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Review of Never Loose Hope  
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Rated: E | (3.5)
I'm not a poetry pro, but I will do what I can for your review. Your first verse has only 4 lines and the last, only two. Is this a standard type of poetry?

But often at days--the word 'at' doesn't seem to fit...'some' seems to fit better.

Clouds stain it dark--good imagery

The Rainbow will show
Yes, the rainbow will show---I like this line and the double to stress it


Look at the trees
Flowers keep drying
From them keep falling leaves--Do you mean flowers or blossoms? if it's flowers you may want to adjust the verse so the last line goes with the first line and the line about flowers isn't misplaced

Look at the birds
The queens of the skies---Don't let the males hear this, lol they might not like it...what if you said royalty of the skies? Just a thought. lol

Yes, only after they abided fall---or do you mean winter? Fall chashes them away, so they don't abide it...hmmm

I like the stars verse also!

Your last two lines are lovely, yes lovely

love, LinnAnn

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Review of Tai  
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Kittens cried for freedom, imprisoned in the womb--I've never heard of kittens crying while still in the womb.

Of make believe worlds and castles made of ice--I like this line, very whimsical

She never heard the last whimper of poor little Tai
How will I tell her no kittens were born?--How terribly sad. We had a batch born of mom and son, and they were all dead or deformed and died shortly. Your poor child...

And the heavens cried snowflakes, as I sat watching--Another lovely line

This was a very tender and sad poem. Very touching.
love, LinnAnn

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Review of Insolvent  
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Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Your second sentence is 73 words long! I highly suggest you read it out loud and at the very minimum, put a period where you run out of breath! Try to keep your sentences 20-25 words long or less.

I read your first twwo paragraphs and could not tell where the pwerson was. There was a doorknob and two rooms, or one room and a hall. I would suggest you put in more description so your reader has a place to stand and a view to see. The imagery was confusing and lost me. I still do not know what your story is about.
Lead the reader as if they are blind, as they are until you paint the scenery.

forcing my eyes to close so that their covers would serve as a backdrops for the projections to --- change the 'a' in front of backdrops to 'the' as he rest are plurals

did the main character murder the family? I'm so sorry , I just didn't get this. But if he did, It sounds like he got the dog too. Bummer, I like dogs
I'm sorry I wasn't more help to you.

love, LinnAnn

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Review of As I Fought  
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Rated: E | (4.0)
I thought
Before I fought.--But did the thinking prevent the battle? lol

I wept
Before I slept.--This is a very touching line, I picture you crying into your pillow as you fall asleep.

I raged
Before I gauged.--does this mean you got angry before you assed the situation?

I was here,
Then gone.---I do not understand this part at all

The greater part of the poem I understand and it is filled with wisdom.

love, LinnAnn

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Review of My Guardian Angel  
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Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
You have left me to die alone, forsaken, despised, and used, and without a ray of hope.---This sounds so bleak and forlorn. The die alone is pitiful and hopeless

Loving you is like being burned alive-- this sounds very painfull so I wonder why you would want to love that person when it's hurtful to you.

Alas, you detest me, and my very presence repulses you.--Again I can't fathom why someone would want to be with such a hurtful person..

I ask of you to enlighten me,to inspire me, and to be my guide for the ride.--But the other person despises you , you said. Why would you want to hope for that?

this was so sad and troubling. I'm so sorry.

love, LinnAnn

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Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I'm not a pro at poetry, but the rhythm is choppy. I've counted out the syllables to see if they match line to equivelent line, and can't do it.

I"m also not sure where you got the 'she' from.

the rhyming pattern breaks down in the wnd verse the 2nd and 4th lines don't rhyme

The money changers with bloated salaries--although 'moneychangers' originaly meant bankers, I think CEO's of large companies fit here too, lol

The pollies in their chauffeured cars--what are pollies?

As she slaughters the rich and corrupt,--there's nothing wrong with being rich, as long as the wealth is used for good .

I"m glad you were able to vent and get all that out of your system! Sometimes the world does that to us. lol

There is some very thought provoking stuff there, thank you.
love, LinnAnn

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Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
devoid of all that once made me a most human of being.--a most human of being? I don't get this. do you mean what made the pwerson a human being?

An effect to a cause that happen decades ago--do you mean 'an effect FROM a cause that happend (past tense)

Such an auspicious height of great depths.--I don't understand this at all

What a terribly sad piece. I have lost most of my family, and to think someone else is giving in to suicide is so very sad. Many have been abused throughout life and have made a good life for themselves. I hope this is not based on your life.

You wrote well, touched me and drew me in as a reader.
love, LinnAnn

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