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Rated: E | (2.5)
this is very hard to read because there are no paragraph breaks. I think there is a spot to click on so your format stays the same.

there are numerous typos or little errors where words are left out or misspelled.

for most kids is the best time of there lives--then you say that even though it was also true for you, you turned out different

I Kaylee grew up a sheltered child, no not sheltered as in abused or unloved.--I don't get this. Most people feel sheltered is loving and protective- not abused. I"m not sure why you feel it would be abuse.

Sheltered as in what kids would say about the kids who had strict rules provided by there (their) parents--I'm not sure what you meant here either.

If you write this in word on your computer, it might help you to find the typos and misspelled words etc. Make sure you take the 'an' s that are supposed to be 'and's and fix them as the computer won't catch that.

There are a lot of mistakes and I don't want to make you feel discouraged by filling up the page with them.

Give it another go, and fix the errors, put in punctuation and I would be happy to try and review this again. don't give up, keep trying.

Love, LinnAnn

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Review of Stars  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (3.5)
Across the kingdom of the sun.--I don't quite get this line. The sun is a star, but it also obliviates the stars.

Light and dark blend,--I think they contrast more than blend, unless I'm not getting it again, sorry

It never seems to end.--this is very true

Unseeing beings of glistening material,--unless you need the word material, it seems so formal, generic. Would another word evoke more feeling? (flame?)

Unthinking minerals of fire.--this is an interesting sentence, makes me think of fire opals

So close you can almost touch.
Reaching out into the sky,--very nicely said!

There! A shooting one goes by.--I think if you said 'shooting star boes by' it helps to bring your poem back to the subject in a very exciting way.

I love the stars, even the ones that are really planets, lol Thank you for sharing this with us.

Love, LinnAnn
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Rated: E | (4.0)
How could two little suggestions,
Bring back a life full of lessons?---You have piqued my curiosity, what two questions?

A minor setback stirring up a question,
Triggering pain, Thinking that I'm done.--You have me asking more questions! What setback, what pain? I'm sorry bout your pain.

I gave up on my dream,
Due to my own self-esteem.--self esteem is a good thing, so maybe you mean 'due to my low self-esteem?

You've done well here, so hang in there. You give us emotion, hope, despair, frustration, pain, just what literature is supposed to do!
love, LinnAnn
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729
Review of The Triangle  Open in new Window.
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
You only have 7 instances of dialogue, not even full sentences. If you take the time to make a lot more dialogue so you are 'showing' us the story and including us in it and not 'telling' us about the story plot it wuld be a lot better. It is like watching a movie, but only seeing a blank screen and hearing a narrator telling us the plot.

As an added bonus, he wasn't particularly enthusiastic about his job--How would they know?

They initially contacted him by phone.--how did the get his name and number?

were all done by disposable phone---why not in person? How would they come to trust each other if they didn't get to know each other?

head out of the parking lot. --head out of or head out to the parking lot?

Petros "forced" Jack over to open the vault while --none of my friends that have or still do work at banks would be heading home with the vault still open.

This is where partnership ends--where the (unless they aren't english speakers and then leave aout a few more of the 'the's and 'your's')

Don't hold breath --hold 'your' breath

safely pressed against the wall of the vault that shared the door--this does not sound like he ducked into the vault, a little bit confusing. You state next that the vault couldn't be opened to get at him but the previous confusion drew me out of the story.

Unless you were going for 'flash fiction' shortness, I'd go back and throw in more dialogue and some scenery, interaction with other workers. "By Joe, have a nice night. Say hi to the wife for me'. That sort of thing.

Good start., love, LinnnAnn

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Rated: E | (3.0)
I"ve made a vew suggestions to help it read better, and little goof that didn't get caught when you did your first couple of rewrites. We all make mistakes, that's why after we are finished polishing our work up we get another pair of eyes. lol

"Hey Jake", yelled Josh,” “What’s happening?" asked Josh--since both of these satements are made by Josh, you don't need to identify the speaker both times
"Hey Jake, what's happening?" asked Josh.

"Nothing much, just the usual” I said.--New speaker new paragraph--I wn't correct this type of mistake all the way through, I'll leave it up to you to go back through your piece and find them, ;0)

"Wait!" I screamed.--Since it 's aboy speaking, you may want to put the yelled here, scream makes me think of a girl or a very young boy who's voice hasn't changed yet.

I ran home as fast as I can. --keep your tenses the same, ran home, as I could

Ringggggggggg! Ringggggggg! ---Instead of showing the ring, telling us it rang twice is okay.

“Hello?” said Olivia.--answered Olivia also works and keeps it from having too many 'said's

I’m in your first, second, third, fourth and eighth period,--don't need that much info unless it comes into play with the plot. "We share a few classes" works

“Sure what time” Olivia responded.--If this were in it's new paragraph you wouldn't need the I.D tag Try to leave out some of them, not so many it's confusing.

I was excited when I heard that answer. “Uh, 2:00 would be great” I said nervously. ---I was excited and nervous when I heard her agree. --again, if he has his own paragraph we know it's him

(The next day at school) I told Josh the whole conversation he had with Olivia--I told Hosh...he had??? Do you mean I had?

“YOU STUPID IDIOT! WHY DID YOU DO THAT!?” --You don't need all caps

After Josh let all his anger out, --Would they not have stopped him before he let it all out?

I felt really ashamed for what I did. --Why should you feel ashamed? YOu didn't do anything wrong.'

It made him feel like he was the bad guy and Josh was the good guy--you changed your point of view here

but I do to--too

that the teacher called--called on me (otherwidse it sounds like he telephoned him)

So of course I was embarrassed to answer the question. --Seems like you'd be embarrassed to be caught daydreaming, not answering

She was seemed nervous--was or seemed nervous, not both

like she was hiding something from me.--why not because it was their first date?

left here there and with home. --left her/went home

so miserably--no need for an adverb, so just miserable


I tried to move on but I just couldn’t--You just said you'd lost her and your friend and your job, you don't 'move on' in one day This statement sounded like it was a few weeks or months later. Also, what job? you don't mention working or telling us what kind of job. I thought these were kids.

The first that was on my list--What list?

to say sorry to Josh --to say I was sorry to...

I wan to say --want to say

For now on friendship comes first.--from now on

I introduced her, not the way she wanted, and of course,--Show us this in the dialogue, not through narrative

Josh wasn’t interesting.--interested?

Work on this a bit more and I'm sure it will improve a lot.

love, LinnAnn

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Review of A Nautical Tale  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.5)
jkThis was just delightful! It reminded me of my father telling me stories, and singing sea songs to me, He sang 'blow the man down' and the one from Disneyland'.

legendary maps,--and these can be purchased today, maps of where ships have sunk and sailing routes.

a world of adventure, wishes and dreams,--Books of Treasure Island and more

when it's time for the stars, to blanket the sea,--nicely put, great imagery

douse all the lamps, and fall into a dream.--Perfect ending, especially for a child. This would do well to ba adapted for a childrens book
love, LinnAnn
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Review of Fall To Ashes  Open in new Window.
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Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
I
am the
last
of my
kind,--this is very cryptic as you don't give us a hint of what that 'kind' is

the flames engulfed us
took one by one---need a comma after 'us'

and now thare are none.--there are

the flames eated --flames ate

an nasty rash,--a nasty rash. but this doesn't make sense as rashes don't exactly eat up someone. I also can't think of something that eats up rashes, so I don't get it

itried to save them--space between "I" and "tried"

but iwas just to weak--same here, put a space between I and was

i turned to weat,--since you are in the present not the past ast this point, it is "I turn to wheat" I don't get this either. Wheat is known as the staff of life, it gives life and strength

If you are creating on this site, you may try to create in Word and then cut and past here. I try to find my typos as I write here, but eyes are bad and it's easy to miss things. If you are in 'Word" it helps to cath the mistakes.

Fis the errors and I'm sure you will get better reviews, and poetry isn't always understood, lol , so on the spots I didn't understand, you may want to reread them to see if you can make them clearer, if not, oh well. lol

love, LinnAnn

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Review of Remember Me Not  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (3.0)
Remember me not
For the person I tried to be----tried to be, or seemed to be? From the rest of the poem, it seem you might want to consider 'seemed'

But for the person I was…---but you say to not remember you for the things you said, so could this be again the person you wanted to become, or became

Remember me not
For the hurt and pain I caused--I would suggest you do a mini rewrite and make the comparrisons more congruant.

You have the makings of a really good poem. If you rework it, let me know, I'll be happy to review it again.
love, LinnAnn

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Rated: E | (3.5)
Many have made the trial, --need to switche back to past tense

they could see them, but they saw nothing. --you contradict youself here so it's confusing

but silently (she)went on her way.--for clarity


You tell a nice story. If you know the phrase'show don't tell' then You will understand what I"m saying when I say 'show' me more. You have a white page that needs to be filled with scenery. If you were to watch a tv show and only heard the narrator, not the actors, it woudn't be as interesting. It wuld be like someone telling you about a movie they'd seen, not the same as you seeing it. Give us more detail, smells, texture, color, sounds. Use all the senses. Also use more dialogue, you gave us some , give more, pull me into the story. If you decide to rework this, let me know and I will be happy to review it again. You can do this.
love, LinnAnn

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735
Review of Piggies & Toes  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.0)
So your Mom counts your piggies? 1… 2… 3… ---if the speaker is saying how mom is confused, shouldn't it be counts your toes,1,2,3 ?


When you ask her, she’ll push your swing, and for free. ---cute way to get the rhyme!

That’s right, she never charges you for services rendered ---I added comma. If you read it out loud and pause at the comma, does it feel right to you?

I mean… she’s NEVER called a pig a toe.--I think since you've been talking piggy's and toes...shouldn't this stay a piggy, not a pig?

very cute.
love, Linnann

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Review of Our Last Moment  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (3.5)
This is a very tender and loving tribute to not ony your husband who was leaving, but also to you. It's very hard to 'put on a brave face' when confronted to a separation of this magnatude. Because it is so personal it makes me hesitate to do any critiquing of it.

I have to admit, my fingers itched to fiddle with the plaement of the lines to make certain parts stand out for a more powerful delivery.

When he is gone the pain is almost unbearable--does this mean it is not his first deployment? If not, then I wonder at the meaning as it does sound like he's been gone before, as the rest of the piece you are standing in present tense.

If this is current, then I do pray for his safe return.
love, LinnAnn
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Review of Farewell My Child  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Shoot, even I didn’t even believe me--take out one 'even'

I didn't look deeply for typose etc. I read mostly for the flavor of your piece. I enjoyed it very much. You had realistic dialogue, good descriptions and didn't bog down in maudlin emotions. You pulled them through it and gave a satisfactory ending.

When my youngest moved out and to another state with my grandson, that we'd worked so hard to keep alive for over a year, I went into a deep depression and cried my eyes out for a year. I can totally relate to this piece.

If this is based on real experience...it gets better when the grand kids some along. lol
love, LinnAnn

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Rated: E | (4.5)
"I'm storing food if Winter came,--IF? It doeesn't fit. It seems incomplete. If windter came what?

Winter comes and food is nought
Dying is he, a lesson taught--nicely done! I like the way you use nought to rhyme this. Unfortunately lessons learned at death are a bit late.

Isn't the original, or maybe just one I hard, the squirrels have him fiddle through the winter to earn his food, after all he did fiddle all summer and fall for them while they worked, I like happy endings. What can I say, lol

You did well and I enjoyed it.
love, LinnAnn

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Review of The Fig Tree  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.0)
I'm not sure of your rhyming pattern. It threw me off while reading. I enjoyed the poem except my brain was cllued in to the rhyme, but it wasn't in a consistant pattern I could quickly get intot he groove of.

But we can do the small things each day.--Such a very true statement

Bake cookies for the guy next door. --actually it's muffins for the family across the street, and the paper lady, lol

I enjoyed your poem, it was sweet and refreshing.
love, LinnAnn

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Review of Hollow Pails  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (3.5)
...selfish shouting...a babble of disinformation attempting to bind the listener to the same unworthy cause.--very well put. All designed to bind and destroy

fervent believers, fresh converts...empty pails' brimming with projectile notions.--I don't get this. "When though art converted, strenghten thy brethen' So your sentence here seems to negate the scripture

I'm not sure what church you are talking about. At first I thought you were talking about the cacaphony of all that satan throws at us via tv,movies, music etc then your last part, totally confuses me, sorry.

love, LinnAnn

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Rated: E | (4.5)
I don't know that I'm qualified to critique a letter to an agent or publisher, but I will try to help.

a powerful mafia family. How about--the powerful Cannan mafia family--

she clings to the one person in the world lacking the temperament to put up with her--You hint that it's Evelyn but I'm not sure as you didn't say Evelyn was her friend until the last line.

a beacon of curiosity--I presume you mean the Cannan family, but you don't clarify, and how does it get out that she has the talent?

I hope this helps you some.
love, LinnAnn

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Review of The Haunted Room  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Very nicely done. Tight and yet conveys the fear and suspense

"Liar." the whisper slithers --I like the 'slithers' lol

It doesn't mention seeing a display of room keys with one still hanging, so it adds to the suspense, how does he know?

Cold, peculiar eyes pierce the owner's heart. A chill creeps up his spine.--perfectly done, not to melodramatic, just the right amount to pull off the eerie feeling.

"I know." and long after the stranger disappears --Again , just rightly done. Did he disappear down the corridor, or fade into nothing.

Absolutely wonderfully written scene.
love, LinnAnn
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Review of My Poetic Mind  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Reactions, frustrations, different times, many places.--I'm not sure if this is about the writer or those the poem is read to. As a writer I can empathise with that frustration.

Or just wanting the words to touch you deep to your core.--Whether it's a novel, short story, esssay or poetry I think this is what all of us strive so desperately for.

Your poem struck a chord.
love, LinnAnn
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Review of Late to School  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Ten minutes later, only minutes before school started, John’s eyes shot open --If he is old enough to leave at home alone, then he is probably jr or sr high. If he is riding a bus he is probably a few miles away. How fast does this boy run? lol

This was cute and very funny!
love, LinnAnn

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Rated: E | (3.0)
You have an interesting bit here, I have made some suggestions and comments for you to consider. I think it would be nice if you started sooner and let us know why he is doing this. What set him off? Maybe he could be tgalking to himself or even earlier to whoever gave him the potion?


to kill and with a bundle of blankets, I set off towards--comma

Had it not been for the concealed passageway hidden beneath the daunting gargoyle, I might not have made it---You don't say why? it's still a climb, so there must be another reason?

, for my mind was wandering out of my bod--Was he truly having an out of body experience or were you meaning something else?

, I noticed the foolish vigilar, asleep at the entrance --This word vigilar isn not in my dictionary. maybe...I notice dthe foolish guard lacking in vigilance?

a stormy, cloudy night, --This is considered a no no. Too similar to 'it was a dark and stormy night' which is considered a cliche opening

lurking through the open window.--I do however like this part of the sentence, lurking is good! lol

her bed, barely breathing--sounds like she is already nearly dead. You may want to state "her chest hardly moved as if she were barely breathing

order to eradicate those too close to perfection --so your opening 'she was too close to perfection' lays the premis that because she is too close she has to die?

first blanket landed with a thud on her head--that is one heavy blanket!!

. “Que haces aqui?”--You use Spanish here, but earlier you used Canadian or Europian spelling in your narrative. her pristine (splendour)

“It is nothing mi princesa, go back to sleep,” --you speak half in English and half Spanish, if she is Spanish, you may want to make it in Spanish for her, and then again in English for your reader But--Reassuring someone you are killing that it's okay while you kill her doesn't work for me, lol Unless you make it totally clear that he is nuts

atop her head, covering her face, her lips.--they were already covered, so you may want to say you add the extra one to muffle her screams

She was struggling to breathe now, as I restrained --take out the 'now' as she was struggling the whole time I'm sure.

The next blanket came down fiercely and she was buried beneath its mass, -- It doesn't take three to suffocate someone

She let out a bloodcurdling scream of fury.--put thtat sooner where she was stuggling to breath, other wise she will already not have air and couldn't scream

Hush my dear, I am doing this for your own good, but alas, you are too naive to understand.” --okay this added to the previouse deffinately tells us he is totally bonkers

After a great many interminable minutes--you only get one set of interminable minutes, not breathing she could only last about 3 minutes or less, especially struggling.

her chest rose and she uttered through her teeth with her last breath, the sound muffled by the impenetrable blankets.--her chest would not raise with breath as she should be nearly dead by now and she would not be able to speak the lines you have for her.--“My father will have revenge! You will never sleep in peace until the day of your death!”--she has been oxygen deprived for 'minutes' as you said, she would hve to say this much earlier. And since you said the blankets were impenetrable, she CAN'T get air.

I backed away trembling with a deep satisfaction--she just spoke forcefully so is not dead yet

blankets lay still and flat as stone --they can't lay flat as she is under them

the smell of death already audible to my pulsing nostrils. --audible means hearable, he is not listening with his nose. how aout already reeking to my sensitive nostrils. I can't figure out why of how his nose is pulsing.

Why does she stink already? That usually takes a few days.

A celestial glow seemed to be escaping---This is a nice touch!! creepy in an interesting way.

They were after me with pitchforks--She was found very quickly!

off the evil beings--ther is something there more evil than he is?

Be gone you wicked demonios--again half in English and half in Spanish. I know it's hard to incorporate both languages I've done it and it took a couple of critiques for me to get it good enough.

the staccato of my voice --staccato if a musical term 'abrupt tones,' like when singing and punching each note a bit

. Eyes reeling in shock, --what shocked him? do you mean terror? amd eyes don't usually reel, like stagering back and forth, but they can be"opened wide in terror. Or eyes jerking back and forth loking for the demons. just suggestions

They could not possibly be already aware of the murder,they must be or why are they chasing him?

. It would be my last defence, --defense

not at the mercy of her father and his pack. --I don' tthink they'd be merciful how about-not at the vengeful hands

the merciful vial which I found --comma after vial

why didn't he take it while they were still a long way away?

my darling’s earlier predicament--if he consideres it something that is going to save him, it's not a predicament like she was in, ...deep slumber as I had left my sweetheart in. (again just a suggestion)

perishing at once in a final spasm of pain.--it would still take at least one minute to get to stomache and work

but I would like you to consider, would you be able to dig in a pocket , uncork and drink the potion whele people are stabbing you with pitchforkds and beating on you?

I hope you continue to work on this. Keep on!

love, LinnAnn

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Rated: E | (4.0)
I am not one to shrug when I replace th flowers in my vases. I appreciate them as they live. As I'm sure you appreciated the life of Chinaski. I don't know if this person is male or female, or your relationship. It's too bad you did not include that in your poem as it would help draw the reader in and help us to identify with him/her.

Today, we live in silence,
Our screams are gone forever now, failing.
For Chinaski has died.

It's been six years since Chinaski died, I hope screams of laughter have come back to you. I hope silence no longer fills your lives.

do consider adding to the poem. Maybe enough time has passed you can help us connect to this person you obviously loved.
love, LinnAnn

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Rated: E | (3.5)
You did get an emotional response from me, so tht is good,

Only one way to go, down--this was depressing, that you could feel durring the high point, that it wouldn't last

Were the uneven number of lines in your poem meant the be that way? I am not familiar with all sorts of types of poems.

You had to sets that rhymed---

Blind sighted, lost in a haze

Your love surrounded my days



Now rejected, lost in a maze

Your betrayal left me dazed


but the others didn't, was that just accidental?

I was totally intrigued by the---Snow white has cut her finger
I have no idea what that means, but it was very interesting.

Love, LinnAnn

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Review of Wild Weeds  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.0)
I really liked this! It reminded me of my wreaths I make. I go out and gather weeds, grasses and things people do not hold in high regard, lol But I put them together with dried colorful blossoms with sharpened thorns. --roses, also dried and instead of ugly weeds, people see beauty and grace.

Your poem made me smile!
love, LinnAnn

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Review of Fear Itself  Open in new Window.
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Nicely done!! You actually had my chest tightening in anxiety as I felt her panic.

At first I thought she was kidnapped when you mention the man, and buried alive.

when you hve her reviewing her day, the apartment, cats, i'm again thinking she is buried alive.

My only concern is that you give a great description of a trapped person, her pain, trouble breathing, the gauze she feels, her thoughts as she tries to recall what happened, then they say she is in a coma.

Of the people that I have known that have been in comas they don't recdall anything or at the most, being above their bodies in the hospital rooms.

Since she can hear them, I have every confidence that she will awaken, lol

Again, nicely done, you got an emotional response and that is great.
love, LinnAnn
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Review of The Day Called D  Open in new Window.
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Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
The sixth early bright.--I didn't get this reference, I'm old enough I should.

Forth the Pearl at bay,--this made me think about Pearl Harbor, not D-Day, with the 'pearl' mentioned But this 'forth' means to go forth, so I'm confused

Those marines; vernal,
Too young to see their last sight,
To hold a trigger,

The commander’s nod
Gave a hint to deliver
Pain and infliction

these last two verses I do understand! And they did touch my heart.

I'm sorry I was too dense to get most of your poem. But I did get the last, and do appreciate your effort.

Love, LinnAnn
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