*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/linnann/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/30
Review Requests: OFF
1,858 Public Reviews Given
1,858 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
Previous ... 26 27 28 29 -30- 31 32 33 34 ... Next
726
726
Review of Alchemy  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
They become electrified
Feeling sparks from words on every page---I like the whole poem. BUT, I like these two lines the best! I totally agree with you and the way you feel about books. There are some that think real books are on the way out,but there are lots of us that like the feel and smell of a new book. (I also like the really old books, lol)
Thanks for sharing your poem with us.

love, LinnAnn

A new Simply Positive Reviewers Group Signature.
727
727
Review of A Day on the Farm  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Charley, Mike and Bob, the other three roosters agreed, “Skippy is what I call Rick.
“Did you see that?” Henry squawked.---I thought there were four roosters, Rick in the roost and the other three. so who is Henry?

I read it a couple of times and still couldn't figure out who henry was, but the story reminded me of when a banty rooster, who was so lively, just laid there after he lost his head. When my husband went for another chicken, the banty started to use his wings to crawl across the lawn. The kids and I laughed like crazy. We laughed so hard that we couldn't tell my husband where the banty had gone until we could catch our breaths. lol Nicely done.

love, LinnAnn

A new Simply Positive Reviewers Group Signature.
728
728
Review of Lost  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Where do you go when your life derails?
Where do you find the strength to persist?
My tears, unconstrained, trace silvered trails.---I love your wording! Very moving.

my heart leaving pain like some festering cyst.--Is your heart leaving the pain, or is it feeling the pain?

Very nicely done. I admire the way you have the middle lines rhyming all the way through. You have obviously put a lot of thought into this poem and the effort to make it work. Please don't be dismayed at not getting a 5 I rarely give them and this is a 4.5, also rarely given. Great job!

Love, LinnAnn

A new Simply Positive Reviewers Group Signature.
729
729
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (3.5)
observe the decorated homes in lights--homes decorated in lights

Have you heard of 'show don't tell'? If you give us a blank screan and only a narrator, what kind of movie would it be? Give us more scenery and dialogue.

he’d make a young girl’s vision ---he'd made a young --tenses need to agree

my beliefs of Santa had been confirmed. --Until it happens, don't use past tense. You may want to save this sentence until after the event.

with enthusiasm, to look up into --pointed and said with enthusiasm, "Look up into the sky" -- more dialogue

I interrupted.
My hands were pressed against the glass, my eyes followed the red flashing light and I answered without a doubt, “Santa!”---put her 'santa' closer to the interrupted so it IS interrupted. I interrupted-"Santa!" My hands were pressed...

no doubt that he came because I’d seen him on the ride home. -- make that 'he would come'--dialogue can have contractions but narration can not. He hasn't come yet, as you say she was surprised in the morning.

He opened his eyes with a gleam and was getting out of bed.--Got out of bed--unless he was sleep walking and already headed that way

raced my brother to the stockings--If they are running to the stockings, she wuld run to wak the brother wouldnt she?

family was stirring including--put comma after stirring

This is a cute story and with a little work it can be much better! Brings back memories!
love, LinnAnn

A new Simply Positive Reviewers Group Signature.
730
730
Review of She  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
If this is based on reality, then please don't be offended by the review.
You did a good job on voicing the pain and grief.

You need more punctuation.

She takes you to some other place
and I so want you here--do you want him there because of it as you say? I'd take out the 'and'. Make them two sentences.

She takes you to some other place.
I so want you here.

It's all her fault --Don't let him off the hook. He made the choice. I'd reword this.

unless you're in love with heroin
and that,--I never knew--We can suspect, with the lost jobs, the power cut off, the losing weight.

If this is based in your reality, then I am very sorry for your family. You did well in voicing your grief and anger.
love, LinnAnn

A new Simply Positive Reviewers Group Signature.
731
731
Review of Miscarriage  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I sat still in the waiting room, watching the blood stains spread on my jeans--Usually they ask you to write down what the problem is.

Hours passed, my jeans now stained beyond respectability--Holy cow girl! Where were you that they just let you bleed like that in the waiting room? If this is real...your hospital is worse than ours. They let me sit in the waiting room having a stroke for three hours. But blood is more noticable!

Instead I worried about staining the white sheets and wondered how long I would wait now until a doctor came.---And that should have been immediatly! They had no idea how long you were bleeding, you could have gonein a coma.

nothing sheltered me from the words---you alredy knew, you just didn't want to hear it, hearing it makes it real.

You did very well in writing this. You made the pain real, and I relived my own experience, as well as my daughters two. Good imagery.

Love, LinnAnn
A new Simply Positive Reviewers Group Signature.
732
732
Review of Woodland Fairy  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
By not posting in black you made it very hard for these old eyes to see and read your work.

she's a fairy --I dont see a period here or after your other sentences. Did you mean for it to be that way?

sglow with mirth--do you mean aglow?

She smells of sweet poppies and the scent of earth--I do like the way you rhyme this.


flowers that fall from the trees--would blossoms be more accurate? You already use flowers also.

The flag of joy in heart completely unfurled--You're a bit short on syllabales in this line, so you have room to put in the word 'her'--the flag of joy in her heart..

And dances with fireflies until the break of dawn--Your first line in this grouping is short, so you may want to take out a syllable-- fireflies 'till the break...

She rests under a toadstool, her blanket a leaf

"A fairy's life is hard," She yawns, then falls asleep---This is the only rhyming set that doesn't quite make it.

but I do love your poem. It's whimsical and cute. You hve good imagery!
love, LinnAnn

A new Simply Positive Reviewers Group Signature.
733
733
Review of The Bar Mitzvah  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
ritual to gain the status of Bar Mitzvah.---I learned something already. I thought the Bar or Bat Mitzvah was an event, not a status.

read Hebrew at least slowly (though it is rare for them to be able to understand it---What is the point of reading something you don't understand? I can't imagine reading the Bible and not being able to learn from it. How would I benefit from it's words and teachings? This puzzles me.

prayers that are sung during a typical Sabbath. --Are they taught what the prayers mean? If not, why? How can one commune with God if he doens't know what he is saying? Do you not have individual prayers where someone shares their day, feelings, fears etc?

Thank you so much for sharing this. I had a counselor that gave me a couple of childrens books about the Jewish faith but they did not explain the Bar/Bat Mitzvah.

In our church the children are taught fro infancy to pray. At 18 months they go to nursery at church and pray there. At 3 years they go to Primary where they learn to give 'talks' (mini sermons) and say prayers beforethe other children and teachers. At 8 they are deemed old enough to know the basics of wrong and right so they may be baptised. for the boys they gain Aaronic priesthood responsibilites and progress through them at ages 12, 14, and 16. At age 19 if they are going on a mission they gain the higher priesthood. Melchezidec (pardon spelling) or when they are ready to go to Temple to be sealed for eternity to their spouse. We hve some things in common.

Again thank you for sharing. I feel uncomforable rating an informative piece on your religion. Your writing was very textbook like. So again, how do I rate it when it's not a creative piece? I shall rate it as higher than average as it's not creative, you shared well

Love, LinnAnn

A new Simply Positive Reviewers Group Signature.
734
734
Review of Angels  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Pardon my typos, my computer is so old that I type about 3-4 lines ahead before the words start to appear. Also my eyes are going.
---------------------------------------------------------
I had to read this more than once to try and get the meaning. I totally understand the meaning being a bit difficult to fathom in poetry, same with mine. lol

If I got it right, the first verse is about Angels?

The second verse seems broken up that the last sentence is also the first of the next verse? I didnt get the second verse.

Laying on a(n)---an 'a' before a vowl is 'an'
Operating table

I'm not sure what the dragonfly represents. The hole in the ceiling is where the angels are looking in and their tears are falling, but I just don't get the dragonfly.

last verse is clear.

If you have time to explain it, I'd appreciate it. The dragonfly intriques me.
love, LinnAnn

A new Simply Positive Reviewers Group Signature.
735
735
Review of beware  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hatred
Envey--possible a comma after hatred, to show a pause

I didn't understand the poem, but it was intriguing

Sheilded agianst the light--against

Moves silenlently among shadows--silently

Over the top--do you mean over the top as in wacko, or way out there, or over the top of the shadows?

And I don't know why to beware, what will he/she do?

Very interesting anyway

love, LinnAnn

** Image ID #1547189 Unavailable **
736
736
Review of Hopping Poppers  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
My computer is very old and I'm several lines into typing before anything shows. So please excuse typos as my eyes are going, and if I hurry and don't go back, I can review large pieces as well as modest sizes. Also, I type my concerns and questions as a reader,when they come up.


You grabbed my interest right away! It would have been easier to read if there had been more paragraph breaks.I was disappointed to see it was all in narrative form. I kept asking for more information, dialogue, scenery.

I hope the wizard won’t notice.--at this point I still don't know how old this kid is, but I think the Wizard will notice. They are trained to be observant! lol

blue and green striped sweater on--If the color of the sweater doesn't matter to the plot, then I'd just mention the sweater, and maybe tell me how old this kid is

colored pluxedkinkers--I love the new word!

So I waited about ten minutes for the wizard--why? he's gonna kill her if he finds her invading his private sanctum. Home invastion.

sit on the floor. Unfortunately, it is stone,--saying the book IS her favorite is okay, she knows her favs. But the make up of the floor should stay in past tense as she is relating it after she was there.

I didn’t even read the rest of the page because I had already leaped up and ran outside to try the new spell.--After watching The Wizards of Waverly Place on Disney, I can see a disaster coming, lol Always read the whole spell and it's warnings.

were candies. They were unfamiliar to me --how did she know before she ate them? could have been poison or medicine

the ending was okay, but I was hoping for more. You have a great beginning, so if you actually decide to write a book, let me know. do keep in mind that dialogue, scenery, smells, use all the senses, makes for a great read. Can you imagine Harry Potter if it were on a black screen and only a narrator speaking, no kids, no anything else?

I do want more of this story! lol
love, LinnAnn
A new Simply Positive Reviewers Group Signature.
737
737
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (3.0)
This is a cute narrative. Do you know the saying 'show don't tell'? To be a great story we need less narrative and more of everything else. Otherwise it's like watching a blank tv with only hearing the narrative. If you go back and add in some dialogue and description that would be great.

Your first paragraph you can give us some of it as dialogue. Talk to the oldest child, name him/her. How old is he/she? Draw us into the story by making it come alive!
"Sarah, this time when daddy packs you must leave the clothes in the suitcase." When the puppy goes to tak a shoe out of the suitcase, use dialogue to show that. Have you chasing the puppy. Give us description of what the other characters look like. What kind of puppuy was it? How old.

In the second paragraph, give us the conversation with your wife at home. Then later on the phone.

Give us the two ladies that talk to her. tell us the expressions on their faces, give us tactil and emotional.

You have the makings of a cute story. I did enjoy the 'punch line'. lol

Love, LinnAnn

A new Simply Positive Reviewers Group Signature.
738
738
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (3.0)
If your original had chapters separated, then there is an icon you can click on so it stays in format. If not, then separate your paragraphs and dialogue. Also check your books for how to do the punctuation for dialogues. I have to check this all the time! Pardon the typos, my computer is three sentences behind my typing, that and it's after midnight and my eyesight is going. sorry.

make it dramatic okay anything." --take off the anything, and put in the question mark after dramatic.

class when all of a sudden --all the 'how to ' books say to not use 'all of a sudden' just say suddenly. You used that phrase three times in this short piece. Try using other words that can depict it, (abruptly, suddenly, etc)

green flash gos by and next thing you know my favorite bracelet is gone--check your spelling 'goes' and (the) next thing you know

Just disappeared into --It just disappeared

So I start running to my locker --you started in past tense, this is present tense

as quick as I can--quickly as I could

get my jet pack to start chasing the thing." --you are saying the jet pack did the chasing. Your verbs need to match the noun. So use something like "get my jet pack so I could start chasing the thing'---are you chasing the bracelet or the green flash?

So I am getting my --so I was getting--I'm not going to point out all the tense changes. You can go back and fix them.

strap it on and take of--take off

green thing is about run in to --is about to run into

behind the thing and I can't see her--how big is that green light? If it's big enough to impair seeing, then you might want to mention the size earlier.

why not. I will be getting out of math."--You may want this part in italics to show thought. That way the principal won't hear it and it's funnier.

You have a cute story and a funny ending. Fix the little things and it will be a lot better.
love, LinnAnn
A new Simply Positive Reviewers Group Signature.
739
739
Review of Mysterious  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
I'm not sure about the first part, the meaning eludes me.

Where is my end? --you are speaking of the soul or the mortal body?

No, I'll remain the elusive force.--I'm not sure what you mean by this either. I think of time as the elusive force/

The one that transforms
Death to Diamonds--This also make me think of time, so I hope I got it. lol

I do like the 'death to diamonds' part. It's nice to think that all this defective and overly large carbon based lifeform could one day become a diamond. Just one small detail, I saw on a CSI episode that the embalmed body turns into soap.?! lol

I sooooo much prefer your idea. lol

love, LinnAnn

A new Simply Positive Reviewers Group Signature.
740
740
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (2.5)
this is very hard to read because there are no paragraph breaks. I think there is a spot to click on so your format stays the same.

there are numerous typos or little errors where words are left out or misspelled.

for most kids is the best time of there lives--then you say that even though it was also true for you, you turned out different

I Kaylee grew up a sheltered child, no not sheltered as in abused or unloved.--I don't get this. Most people feel sheltered is loving and protective- not abused. I"m not sure why you feel it would be abuse.

Sheltered as in what kids would say about the kids who had strict rules provided by there (their) parents--I'm not sure what you meant here either.

If you write this in word on your computer, it might help you to find the typos and misspelled words etc. Make sure you take the 'an' s that are supposed to be 'and's and fix them as the computer won't catch that.

There are a lot of mistakes and I don't want to make you feel discouraged by filling up the page with them.

Give it another go, and fix the errors, put in punctuation and I would be happy to try and review this again. don't give up, keep trying.

Love, LinnAnn

A new Simply Positive Reviewers Group Signature.
741
741
Review of Stars  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Across the kingdom of the sun.--I don't quite get this line. The sun is a star, but it also obliviates the stars.

Light and dark blend,--I think they contrast more than blend, unless I'm not getting it again, sorry

It never seems to end.--this is very true

Unseeing beings of glistening material,--unless you need the word material, it seems so formal, generic. Would another word evoke more feeling? (flame?)

Unthinking minerals of fire.--this is an interesting sentence, makes me think of fire opals

So close you can almost touch.
Reaching out into the sky,--very nicely said!

There! A shooting one goes by.--I think if you said 'shooting star boes by' it helps to bring your poem back to the subject in a very exciting way.

I love the stars, even the ones that are really planets, lol Thank you for sharing this with us.

Love, LinnAnn
A new Simply Positive Reviewers Group Signature.
742
742
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
How could two little suggestions,
Bring back a life full of lessons?---You have piqued my curiosity, what two questions?

A minor setback stirring up a question,
Triggering pain, Thinking that I'm done.--You have me asking more questions! What setback, what pain? I'm sorry bout your pain.

I gave up on my dream,
Due to my own self-esteem.--self esteem is a good thing, so maybe you mean 'due to my low self-esteem?

You've done well here, so hang in there. You give us emotion, hope, despair, frustration, pain, just what literature is supposed to do!
love, LinnAnn
A new Simply Positive Reviewers Group Signature.
743
743
Review of The Triangle  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
You only have 7 instances of dialogue, not even full sentences. If you take the time to make a lot more dialogue so you are 'showing' us the story and including us in it and not 'telling' us about the story plot it wuld be a lot better. It is like watching a movie, but only seeing a blank screen and hearing a narrator telling us the plot.

As an added bonus, he wasn't particularly enthusiastic about his job--How would they know?

They initially contacted him by phone.--how did the get his name and number?

were all done by disposable phone---why not in person? How would they come to trust each other if they didn't get to know each other?

head out of the parking lot. --head out of or head out to the parking lot?

Petros "forced" Jack over to open the vault while --none of my friends that have or still do work at banks would be heading home with the vault still open.

This is where partnership ends--where the (unless they aren't english speakers and then leave aout a few more of the 'the's and 'your's')

Don't hold breath --hold 'your' breath

safely pressed against the wall of the vault that shared the door--this does not sound like he ducked into the vault, a little bit confusing. You state next that the vault couldn't be opened to get at him but the previous confusion drew me out of the story.

Unless you were going for 'flash fiction' shortness, I'd go back and throw in more dialogue and some scenery, interaction with other workers. "By Joe, have a nice night. Say hi to the wife for me'. That sort of thing.

Good start., love, LinnnAnn

A new Simply Positive Reviewers Group Signature.
744
744
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (3.0)
I"ve made a vew suggestions to help it read better, and little goof that didn't get caught when you did your first couple of rewrites. We all make mistakes, that's why after we are finished polishing our work up we get another pair of eyes. lol

"Hey Jake", yelled Josh,” “What’s happening?" asked Josh--since both of these satements are made by Josh, you don't need to identify the speaker both times
"Hey Jake, what's happening?" asked Josh.

"Nothing much, just the usual” I said.--New speaker new paragraph--I wn't correct this type of mistake all the way through, I'll leave it up to you to go back through your piece and find them, ;0)

"Wait!" I screamed.--Since it 's aboy speaking, you may want to put the yelled here, scream makes me think of a girl or a very young boy who's voice hasn't changed yet.

I ran home as fast as I can. --keep your tenses the same, ran home, as I could

Ringggggggggg! Ringggggggg! ---Instead of showing the ring, telling us it rang twice is okay.

“Hello?” said Olivia.--answered Olivia also works and keeps it from having too many 'said's

I’m in your first, second, third, fourth and eighth period,--don't need that much info unless it comes into play with the plot. "We share a few classes" works

“Sure what time” Olivia responded.--If this were in it's new paragraph you wouldn't need the I.D tag Try to leave out some of them, not so many it's confusing.

I was excited when I heard that answer. “Uh, 2:00 would be great” I said nervously. ---I was excited and nervous when I heard her agree. --again, if he has his own paragraph we know it's him

(The next day at school) I told Josh the whole conversation he had with Olivia--I told Hosh...he had??? Do you mean I had?

“YOU STUPID IDIOT! WHY DID YOU DO THAT!?” --You don't need all caps

After Josh let all his anger out, --Would they not have stopped him before he let it all out?

I felt really ashamed for what I did. --Why should you feel ashamed? YOu didn't do anything wrong.'

It made him feel like he was the bad guy and Josh was the good guy--you changed your point of view here

but I do to--too

that the teacher called--called on me (otherwidse it sounds like he telephoned him)

So of course I was embarrassed to answer the question. --Seems like you'd be embarrassed to be caught daydreaming, not answering

She was seemed nervous--was or seemed nervous, not both

like she was hiding something from me.--why not because it was their first date?

left here there and with home. --left her/went home

so miserably--no need for an adverb, so just miserable


I tried to move on but I just couldn’t--You just said you'd lost her and your friend and your job, you don't 'move on' in one day This statement sounded like it was a few weeks or months later. Also, what job? you don't mention working or telling us what kind of job. I thought these were kids.

The first that was on my list--What list?

to say sorry to Josh --to say I was sorry to...

I wan to say --want to say

For now on friendship comes first.--from now on

I introduced her, not the way she wanted, and of course,--Show us this in the dialogue, not through narrative

Josh wasn’t interesting.--interested?

Work on this a bit more and I'm sure it will improve a lot.

love, LinnAnn

A new Simply Positive Reviewers Group Signature.
745
745
Review of A Nautical Tale  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
jkThis was just delightful! It reminded me of my father telling me stories, and singing sea songs to me, He sang 'blow the man down' and the one from Disneyland'.

legendary maps,--and these can be purchased today, maps of where ships have sunk and sailing routes.

a world of adventure, wishes and dreams,--Books of Treasure Island and more

when it's time for the stars, to blanket the sea,--nicely put, great imagery

douse all the lamps, and fall into a dream.--Perfect ending, especially for a child. This would do well to ba adapted for a childrens book
love, LinnAnn
A new Simply Positive Reviewers Group Signature.
746
746
Review of Fall To Ashes  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
I
am the
last
of my
kind,--this is very cryptic as you don't give us a hint of what that 'kind' is

the flames engulfed us
took one by one---need a comma after 'us'

and now thare are none.--there are

the flames eated --flames ate

an nasty rash,--a nasty rash. but this doesn't make sense as rashes don't exactly eat up someone. I also can't think of something that eats up rashes, so I don't get it

itried to save them--space between "I" and "tried"

but iwas just to weak--same here, put a space between I and was

i turned to weat,--since you are in the present not the past ast this point, it is "I turn to wheat" I don't get this either. Wheat is known as the staff of life, it gives life and strength

If you are creating on this site, you may try to create in Word and then cut and past here. I try to find my typos as I write here, but eyes are bad and it's easy to miss things. If you are in 'Word" it helps to cath the mistakes.

Fis the errors and I'm sure you will get better reviews, and poetry isn't always understood, lol , so on the spots I didn't understand, you may want to reread them to see if you can make them clearer, if not, oh well. lol

love, LinnAnn

A new Simply Positive Reviewers Group Signature.
747
747
Review of Remember Me Not  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Remember me not
For the person I tried to be----tried to be, or seemed to be? From the rest of the poem, it seem you might want to consider 'seemed'

But for the person I was…---but you say to not remember you for the things you said, so could this be again the person you wanted to become, or became

Remember me not
For the hurt and pain I caused--I would suggest you do a mini rewrite and make the comparrisons more congruant.

You have the makings of a really good poem. If you rework it, let me know, I'll be happy to review it again.
love, LinnAnn

A new Simply Positive Reviewers Group Signature.
748
748
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Many have made the trial, --need to switche back to past tense

they could see them, but they saw nothing. --you contradict youself here so it's confusing

but silently (she)went on her way.--for clarity


You tell a nice story. If you know the phrase'show don't tell' then You will understand what I"m saying when I say 'show' me more. You have a white page that needs to be filled with scenery. If you were to watch a tv show and only heard the narrator, not the actors, it woudn't be as interesting. It wuld be like someone telling you about a movie they'd seen, not the same as you seeing it. Give us more detail, smells, texture, color, sounds. Use all the senses. Also use more dialogue, you gave us some , give more, pull me into the story. If you decide to rework this, let me know and I will be happy to review it again. You can do this.
love, LinnAnn

A new Simply Positive Reviewers Group Signature.
749
749
Review of Piggies & Toes  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
So your Mom counts your piggies? 1… 2… 3… ---if the speaker is saying how mom is confused, shouldn't it be counts your toes,1,2,3 ?


When you ask her, she’ll push your swing, and for free. ---cute way to get the rhyme!

That’s right, she never charges you for services rendered ---I added comma. If you read it out loud and pause at the comma, does it feel right to you?

I mean… she’s NEVER called a pig a toe.--I think since you've been talking piggy's and toes...shouldn't this stay a piggy, not a pig?

very cute.
love, Linnann

A new Simply Positive Reviewers Group Signature.
750
750
Review of Our Last Moment  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (3.5)
This is a very tender and loving tribute to not ony your husband who was leaving, but also to you. It's very hard to 'put on a brave face' when confronted to a separation of this magnatude. Because it is so personal it makes me hesitate to do any critiquing of it.

I have to admit, my fingers itched to fiddle with the plaement of the lines to make certain parts stand out for a more powerful delivery.

When he is gone the pain is almost unbearable--does this mean it is not his first deployment? If not, then I wonder at the meaning as it does sound like he's been gone before, as the rest of the piece you are standing in present tense.

If this is current, then I do pray for his safe return.
love, LinnAnn
A new Simply Positive Reviewers Group Signature.
826 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 34 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/linnann/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/30