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Public Reviews
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776
776
Review of The Climb  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
I only had minor suggestions:

If you get to weak --too

since disease and ceases don't quite work because of the syllble stress point, what about this?

I know you fear this dreaded disease
I'll stand by you 'til the pain does cease

God is watching, He is looking down..--I added the comma after watching

I am so sorry your brother or friend is going/or has gone through this. He is so fortunate to have you around. God bless you both.

Love, LinnAnn
777
777
Review of One's Imagination  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Is the very best--To match the meter of the previous lines it needs at least one more syllable, two would be better

Run with the cheetahs
Howl with the wolves--you rhymed until this verse, I highly recommend you work on this to keep the ryme in the two verses that don't rhyme

If you do decide to work on those two verses let me know and I would be happy to review it again. and if you do get them to rhyme, I'd suggest you try to publish it with a childrens pub. company.

this is a delightful poem, it reminds me of when I was a child playing in the woods, using twigs or small branches for stick horses, building corrals out of others. Thank you for this and for the trip to a pleasant childhood memory!

Love, LinnAnn
778
778
Review of Free  
Rated: E | (3.5)
This is a very moving poem. I wonder why you have all two liner verses, and then at the last a four liner. I think it all would be better if it were four liners and each of those lines would split just fine'

I dont think it would take someone of your talent to go back through and tighten up the rythm. There are only a coupld of spots wrhte the rythm doesn't quite flow.

Thank you for sharing your talents with us.

Love,LinnAnn
779
779
Rated: E | (4.5)
Your poem is very moving. I have small suggestions for more a more powerful delivery.


Help me, O Lord,
the darkness is coming,
And the dawn seems so far from this place.
Lock out the night
from my soul,
O Lord,
And let me see only Thy face.
The light is now fading,
The Shadows grow long.
Your Grace is evading me
When I am wrong. (may I suggest--as I am wrong)
Speak to me, (separated it is more beseeching)
speak to me,
my dearest Lord,
Please bring me to where I belong.
Doug LeBlanc (if this is your name, you might want to drop it down two or three lines so it doesn't throw people off)
780
780
Review of Handiwork  
Rated: E | (3.5)
I would suggest you even out the number of lines per stanza for form.

The first two lines of each of the first two stanzas rhyme, then you quit that pattern and it drew me out of your poem. I suggest you consider continuing that pattern as it worked quite well in the first two.

In your third verse, the second and fourth lines rhyme is there a way to adapt it to fit the pattern you first established?

I would make some small changes in the following for more powerful delivery

And these are your words
spilling from my mouth.
With your will,
I open it
and they come spinning out.
These are your words,
given me to
Describe your places.
Your squeaking hinges (this line just doesn' tfit at all)
And telephone rings,
And your words
given me
to describe these things.


These are just suggestions as all people put their own emphasis in different places.
Thank you for sharing this with me.
God bless you and keep you.
love, LinnAnn
781
781
Review of The Crimson Angel  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
It's bery hard for eyes to track on paragraphs this long. Also, have you heard of 'show not tell'? As much as you can, try working a whole bunch of narrative into action and dialogue. Can your main character tell some of his background to a new 'parishoner'?

You could start with him preparing the evening to propose, and her call. That then works us right into the depression and suicide thoughts.

Eureka 9.--I take it this is a city on foreign soil or in the future, or you are on a different planet? you may want to sneak it in so people know for sure. The worse thing is to have something that drabs your reader out of the plot and world you so carefully create. Later you say..."where ever “here” is any way" . If you don't know where our character is, how do we? lol

to commune with the long dead spirit of Sengo Muramasa in Japan, --Put all the part about him and the sword smithing into dialogue with the spirit.

But I’ve been able to commune with spirits… even long before… she left. *sigh*---take out the dots between spirits and even--spirits even long before she ...left, sigh. put the pause before the punch line as such, 'left' so it is more powerful.

My door is wide open --You just told us this, so take this second time out.\\

The ice in both glasses has long since melted--If it's a wind that is not chilled in a bucket, then you might want to name the wine. A lot of wines, if not most or all, you do not water down with ice. I no longer drink, but i've never had wine that was chilled with the ice in the glass.

But I decide better on suicide.--You say this after talking about nameing the sword, are you saying you've renamed it? if so the Suicide should be capitalized. If not then you need a transition sentence to introduce the part of him making that decision.

Which I have long given up on drinking--how about --"Which I gave up long ago"

all an act for two things… They were money and power--to make it mroe powerful try this--'for two things, money and power.' That's shorter and punchier.

So I grab a smoke from the nearby cigarette pack --Since you end up not smoking it, you may want to say "I grabe for a smoke' thas shows us you reaching but not smoking. You can also put in dialogue here."Hang it all, I wanted a smoke!" show the frustration.

I’ll save it for when I really need it. I light it and take a slow puff. --First you tell us that you will save it, then you show us you are puffing, and a 'slow drag' is better image than a slow puff. Puffs are little so not slow, just quick tiny puffs.

S now --If you meant to leave out the 'o' in so, then put in an apostrophe-- S'now

The other six were used to--You might consider putting 'the other six months were used to"...


I get to the second paragraph and then find out your "on a plane to Japan to begin training under Muramasa" is alive. You made him sound like you were a ghost cause you lumped him in with your spirits. Then you make it sound like ti's the swords named Muramasa, I"m totally confused hun!

When you tell us you leave two swords behind, and take two, you should tell us then who gets holy, who gets evil etc.

was the beginning of a rape and often-times murder. I can tell it’s a woman because of the pitch of the person’s voice--Put identifying the sex of victim first, then tell us you SEE it's a rape in progress. Have him tell us he hears her scream, tell us how he feels when he sees the gun to her head, and telling us it's too late, made me think he'd done it and left. might want to reword that.

How young was she, 15, 20, 30ish? How can you tell if her hair is silver?

has a gun to her head. He told me --Go back and make sure your tenses all agree.

even more brilliant blue. Which is quite harsh--You make it soundlike her eye color is a bad thing, harsh.

Your subject matter is the bad guy an dhis act, then you put in this....Let alone anyone else I saw abou to be raped for that matter-- Not quite needed yet.

Now this guy was new to crime--maybe new to murder. but people work up to murder usually, so rape he has probably done, just the murder is new.

So I tried talking it out---don't tell me,, show me with a scene and dialogue!

option I always try to avoid, murder.--murder is killing an innocent, but this is either self defense or defending an innocent.

The second was to kill him where he laid. --You might add 'and save other women he would try to rape and kill. or kill him where he laid and put him and his victims out of their misery. I'm sure you can come up with something a bit stronger, and still leave them hanging with you last sentence, Which is a great ending by the way

I have no idea what the girl is all about and the suicide. it doesn't seem to have anything to do with your story and your 'made my decision' doesn't lead us back to him laying there smoking or thinking about suicide. you did go back in time to tell us about the swords etc. right? And your title 'A Moonlit Memory" , If you mentioned the moonlight, I missed it. sorry

I highly recommend you going back and working some more on this. You have the makings fo a good short short or flash fiction. Hang in there. If you do emend this, let me know if you want me to critique it again. I'd like to see what you do with it.
love, LlinnAnn
782
782
Review of Your Name  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Your first 'stanza' rhymed and flowed nicely. Then the second secton was so huge and long, and didn't rhyme. I feel if you put a break inthere it would be more readable as the eye won't get lost in the vastness of it.

I do understand a bit of what you are feeling in it. I named my fist son after his father and raised him on my own. Only his middle name was the same as his dads. I did not want to be reminded of his dad, but I felt I should give him somehting of him, thus the middle name.

If this is based on reality, then I hope you are well and dealng with the loss.
love, LinnAnn
783
783
Review of Vanishing  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Your poem made me smile. lol It brought back memories of when I was single mom ing it and a rough day made me feel exactly like your poem! Or, on days when I'd sub a particularly obnoxious class of teenagers with kids whose parents made it difficult to do my job. I love the last line, I really do...wind, can I come too?
perfect!
Love, LinnAnn
784
784
Review of My Heaven.  
Rated: E | (3.0)
It tries to make me think everything’s okay--Are you saying your 'heaven' lies to you as in decieving or just self delusional?

All the lies my heaven tell me to make everything okay aren't believed anymore.--- I think this sentence needs more punctuation. I can't quite figureit out.

I try to escape but the shell is so hard... I'm just not strong enough to break it.--this sounds like Hell, not heaven.

Even though my heaven is sort of controlling and selfish --this also soundsmore like Satan than God or anything from God. He would not force anyone, he educates, not forcing.

Starting with the second line in your last paragraph, that sounds like Heaven. But you are making Heaven a live entitiy. That is confusing. But you do give one something to think about.
love, LinnAnn
785
785
Review of I am  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Very nicely done. I"m not sure if it's supposed to be free verse, so I a hesitant to make suggestions as to line breaks. You have statement of what you are not, coupled with what you are for most.

I wasn't called for such a hard task.
I am here to listen to anyone that should ask.-- because you switch to 'I am " I would put a break between these two lines.

that is the only suggestion I have. Nicely done.
love, LinnAnn
786
786
Review of Remember Me  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
this is very thought provoking and extremely powerful, but I would change the places to break for lines. When I read it, even out loud, it feels like the flow is off, even though the words are wonderful. Please don't be offended, but do consider changing the break places. Here are my suggestions.


Even though you cannot see me
because I have passed beyond the tears
that conceals the glory of paradise;
that hides the shade of the tree of life,
I walk beside you and hold your hand
as you, strive to unify humanity.

Remember me,
as you plod across
Armageddon’s battlefield
ministering to the wounded
and the weary;
remember me and know
that even though,
you cannot see beyond
the smoke and dust of battle,
this stress and terror will pass.

Remember me
when the dust clears
and the temple of faith
is rebuilt,
when the scattered
remnants of humanity
embrace without fear.


this is onlly a suggestion so that important words or phrases are left in dominant positions.
love, LinnAnn
787
787
Review of The Natural End  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
was enough reason to house it there.--by 'it' do you mean the soul? If so , did they catch it somehow?

starched mini-suit while --Usually suits aren't starched, pressed yes. So if it's starched you might want to say what it was made of so it doesn't pull someone out of your story.

several others were walking in the --you may want to state what 'others' seaveral other people, groups, families?

It took me until the line for me to realize the child hadn't seen the soul at home, but they were going to view it at the Smithsonian. You may want to clarify that early on.

Dowdy museum employees --I thought they were smartly dressed. What were they wearing when you were there? lol

rushing down cul-de-sac,--rushing into the cul de sac, as it's a half circle drive

crying in a convulsing corner,--you are saying the corner is convulsing. How about--
people in their mid twenties sobbingg convulsively in a corner--

elderly paramedic pac--how old is elderly to you? lol paramedics usually don't last until elderly (60's+) Makes it too hard to lift heavy guys or ladies.

this roiled most every kind of institution. --do you mean roiled the waters, or do you mean riled the people up?

he was highly American, --What does this mean, he was a high ranking official or he was clearly American?

Most parents don't ask if it's okay, but might ask how they feel about it, or just if they want to go. lol I learned with my five children, don't ask a question you don't want an answer to. lol

There are only little things to correct. In fact, I think you could expand on this, a bit more description on the broo haha, more dialogue would be nice, that is the 'show don't tell' axiom.
love, LinnAnn
788
788
Rated: E | (3.0)
the love we shared with no regrets
then my soul escapes my body
for I have sinned

I am confused. this first line I understand, but then the second throws me, how does it relate to the first and last line of this stanza?

and the stars refuse to shine
you kiss my lips
and the Father forgives

the lines about how the world seems to come to an end I understand, but the kissed lips, how does that make the Father forgive?
Since you've capitalized Father, I guess you mean God. But there is no mention of repentance. So even though this is pretty and sounds nice, the meanings escape me.
I do appreciate your efforts!
love, LinnAnn
789
789
Review of Going Forward...  
Rated: E | (5.0)
And royalty is not a crown of jewels ,--very profound statement

Fashion is not “names” but mirrors reflecting what’s learned--I didn't understand this line

Ease to breeze like a flying trapeze--I like the way this line slips from my tongue

My relationships a result of authenticity.--t'were that more were based in honesty

A bridge to the hearts of souls losmy purpose in life I search out and befriend the NAT's the Not All There's.

achieving victories, conquering fears---one tattered soul at a time

Nicely done. I am sooo impressed.
love, LinnAnn
790
790
Review of Where's Mama?  
Rated: E | (3.0)
supposed (to be) taking a
sat lazily on a couch. He gazed at his sister who’s --you have mixed your tenses here
took a deep breath he could hear --might want to put a period after breath or put in 'and'
Staying at the office for 24 hours is a bit much.
a change at their daily production report --change in
She’s eager to finish ---tense change
“I’ve finished the ninety percent --take out 'the'

Jazlle keep stomping her foot on the --there are little errors that need fixing. I think you will be pleased with it if you go back and make these small corrections. I hven't done all of this as it's nearly 2 a.m. I do hope you take the time to tidy it up. It has promise
love, LinnAnn
791
791
Rated: E | (3.5)
Karen , very nicely done. Always remember, we make our own destiny. I hope your future husband loves this letter. He will be a lucky man.
love, LinnAnn
792
792
Rated: E | (4.5)
Nicely done. I"m very impressed with the imagery you present. You mentions 'a child's eyes. Is it your child? If so you might want to say that, ownership makes it more endearing and touches hearts if the reader can relate to you more personally.

I like the 'Of summer eternal' line, nicely put
thank you for sharing this.
love, LinnAnn
793
793
Rated: E | (4.5)
Eight ponies perfect
prance before thee---the word thee is very old fashioned, if you use the word me, it still rhymes and more kids would understand it

the seven tops was well done! I'm impressed
I"m also impressed with how you have the numbers decreasing AND increasing with each stanza!

this following stanza doesnt' make much sense to me

Five cats curious
all in a fix
One pitches in
Now there are six

bravely to the heavens--if you use bravely up to heaven (it's not plural and fits better)
Three more returned
Now there are seven

Three cookies crunchy--since crunchy doens't need to rhyme, how about 'crunchy cookies'?
Crumbling on your plate
"Five more please"
now there are eight

Two dolls darling---two darling dolls fits better

I really llike the last stanza! nicely done. I hope I've been of some help. this is a good start.
love, LinnAnn
794
794
Rated: E | (3.0)
You tell a cute story. Have you heard of "show don't tell"/ If you had a narrator 'telling' you about your favorite tv show instead of watching it what would be more enjoyable?

There's a certain amount of nervousness attached to your first day at school, and little Fiona knows this better than anyone else, she knows this because she's there, standing in front of her school, her hand clasped tightly in her father's. She has never seen a school before, she has never been away from her parent's before and she can't understand why her father is telling her it will be okay, that he'll see her soon, and she can't understand why the strange lady with the red curly hair is talking to her.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Little Fiona stands next to her daddy. "It's okay sweetheart. I'll be back soon."

A woman with curly red hair leans down to talk to Fiona. "Welcome Fiona. My name is (fill in the name) welcome to our play school. come in and meet some new friends.

Fiona holds her daddy's hand tighter and slips behind his leg peeking out at (lady's name)
She whispers up to her daddy, "Daddy, why are you going? Stay with me daddy."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
See how putting it in dialogue and showing action helps? I'm not so hot with putting in descriptions of the surrounding, you may do better at that than I can. lol
You have the beginings of a cute story, If you decide to rework this into a 'show' story like story books, I'd be happy to read it again.
love, LinnAnn
795
795
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
just when I was knew her---I didn't quite understand this line. did you mean, 'just when I was getting to know her?

a war within my soul, I was sent to define myself, I was sent away from her---this soundslike 'you' were going insane?

I also think if you broke som eof your sentences down to smaller ones, it would work better for the reader to read.

scent from the clothes gradually fainted, ---do you mean the scent faded?
you did a god job of showing the grief, and despair of those who go to war, and leave family behind to worry about
love, LinnAnn
796
796
Review of Man understood.  
Rated: E | (3.5)
you certainly got the 55 words right on! You said man understood, I sure didn't, lol I happen to like the stars better. I'm not sure about the line about him looking for a better job. Was he her 'keeper'? lol
But you did make the question pop into my mind, was she insane? If so, then he had a reason to go elsewhere, lol
love, LinnAnn
797
797
Review of I.O.U-I-LUV-U  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Nicely done. Sooo creepy.
I like the way you show the passage of time.
I got the first part that she had amnesia when she couldn't remember her dog, and you said she'd forgotten 'everything'. But I missed when she got memory back but I got when the heart didn't feel right
It took till the last line for me to understand that she had had a heart transplant. I wondered why she did but did not seem to know these people. It took until the last line for my brain to 'get it'.
I did enjoy this poem.
love, LinnAnn
798
798
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
this is a very strong poem. I'm sure I hve come away with a totally different view of South AFrica. I thought the worst part was in little towns or out in the isolated areas. I hadn't thought that even in their own homes, or tourists on the beach would have the types of troubles you tell about. What a shame and travesty.
You did well, and used interesting word choices for your rhymes.
love, LinnAnn
799
799
Rated: E | (4.5)
that I'm The Super Spy for the Real Reasons Why.---cute beginning, good 'voice'

They can fly up to three feet away from the TV screen, so if you're sitting too close to the TV, the Pixie's will fly off of the screen and land on your face. Then you'll have a TV show all over your head!---this is so cute!

Then you have to have someone pour a really big glass of ICE COLD water over your head. This will get will get rid of your smell for a minute and make you cold, so then the Pixie's will fly back to their TV screen home.---Excellent premis and conclusion for the cure! lol

I loved your piece, absolutely loved it.
love, LinnAnn
800
800
Rated: E | (3.0)
One day Johnny --since you tell us its the middle of the night, how about, "One night Johnny...?
“In one condition.”--On or with one condition

I guess I've read too many weird ones, I was expecting him to accidently chrunch on one as he turned around or something. lol

Not bad, this was okay but when you called him Johnny, I thought of a little kid. Maybe it could use a bit more humor as they took off running , have a near miss on the crunching? lol

love, LinnAnn
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