supposed (to be) taking a
sat lazily on a couch. He gazed at his sister who’s --you have mixed your tenses here
took a deep breath he could hear --might want to put a period after breath or put in 'and'
Staying at the office for 24 hours is a bit much.
a change at their daily production report --change in
She’s eager to finish ---tense change
“I’ve finished the ninety percent --take out 'the'
Jazlle keep stomping her foot on the --there are little errors that need fixing. I think you will be pleased with it if you go back and make these small corrections. I hven't done all of this as it's nearly 2 a.m. I do hope you take the time to tidy it up. It has promise
love, LinnAnn
Karen , very nicely done. Always remember, we make our own destiny. I hope your future husband loves this letter. He will be a lucky man.
love, LinnAnn
Nicely done. I"m very impressed with the imagery you present. You mentions 'a child's eyes. Is it your child? If so you might want to say that, ownership makes it more endearing and touches hearts if the reader can relate to you more personally.
I like the 'Of summer eternal' line, nicely put
thank you for sharing this.
love, LinnAnn
Eight ponies perfect
prance before thee---the word thee is very old fashioned, if you use the word me, it still rhymes and more kids would understand it
the seven tops was well done! I'm impressed
I"m also impressed with how you have the numbers decreasing AND increasing with each stanza!
this following stanza doesnt' make much sense to me
Five cats curious
all in a fix
One pitches in
Now there are six
bravely to the heavens--if you use bravely up to heaven (it's not plural and fits better)
Three more returned
Now there are seven
Three cookies crunchy--since crunchy doens't need to rhyme, how about 'crunchy cookies'?
Crumbling on your plate
"Five more please"
now there are eight
Two dolls darling---two darling dolls fits better
I really llike the last stanza! nicely done. I hope I've been of some help. this is a good start.
love, LinnAnn
You tell a cute story. Have you heard of "show don't tell"/ If you had a narrator 'telling' you about your favorite tv show instead of watching it what would be more enjoyable?
There's a certain amount of nervousness attached to your first day at school, and little Fiona knows this better than anyone else, she knows this because she's there, standing in front of her school, her hand clasped tightly in her father's. She has never seen a school before, she has never been away from her parent's before and she can't understand why her father is telling her it will be okay, that he'll see her soon, and she can't understand why the strange lady with the red curly hair is talking to her.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Little Fiona stands next to her daddy. "It's okay sweetheart. I'll be back soon."
A woman with curly red hair leans down to talk to Fiona. "Welcome Fiona. My name is (fill in the name) welcome to our play school. come in and meet some new friends.
Fiona holds her daddy's hand tighter and slips behind his leg peeking out at (lady's name)
She whispers up to her daddy, "Daddy, why are you going? Stay with me daddy."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
See how putting it in dialogue and showing action helps? I'm not so hot with putting in descriptions of the surrounding, you may do better at that than I can. lol
You have the beginings of a cute story, If you decide to rework this into a 'show' story like story books, I'd be happy to read it again.
love, LinnAnn
just when I was knew her---I didn't quite understand this line. did you mean, 'just when I was getting to know her?
a war within my soul, I was sent to define myself, I was sent away from her---this soundslike 'you' were going insane?
I also think if you broke som eof your sentences down to smaller ones, it would work better for the reader to read.
scent from the clothes gradually fainted, ---do you mean the scent faded?
you did a god job of showing the grief, and despair of those who go to war, and leave family behind to worry about
love, LinnAnn
you certainly got the 55 words right on! You said man understood, I sure didn't, lol I happen to like the stars better. I'm not sure about the line about him looking for a better job. Was he her 'keeper'? lol
But you did make the question pop into my mind, was she insane? If so, then he had a reason to go elsewhere, lol
love, LinnAnn
Nicely done. Sooo creepy.
I like the way you show the passage of time.
I got the first part that she had amnesia when she couldn't remember her dog, and you said she'd forgotten 'everything'. But I missed when she got memory back but I got when the heart didn't feel right
It took till the last line for me to understand that she had had a heart transplant. I wondered why she did but did not seem to know these people. It took until the last line for my brain to 'get it'.
I did enjoy this poem.
love, LinnAnn
this is a very strong poem. I'm sure I hve come away with a totally different view of South AFrica. I thought the worst part was in little towns or out in the isolated areas. I hadn't thought that even in their own homes, or tourists on the beach would have the types of troubles you tell about. What a shame and travesty.
You did well, and used interesting word choices for your rhymes.
love, LinnAnn
that I'm The Super Spy for the Real Reasons Why.---cute beginning, good 'voice'
They can fly up to three feet away from the TV screen, so if you're sitting too close to the TV, the Pixie's will fly off of the screen and land on your face. Then you'll have a TV show all over your head!---this is so cute!
Then you have to have someone pour a really big glass of ICE COLD water over your head. This will get will get rid of your smell for a minute and make you cold, so then the Pixie's will fly back to their TV screen home.---Excellent premis and conclusion for the cure! lol
I loved your piece, absolutely loved it.
love, LinnAnn
One day Johnny --since you tell us its the middle of the night, how about, "One night Johnny...?
“In one condition.”--On or with one condition
I guess I've read too many weird ones, I was expecting him to accidently chrunch on one as he turned around or something. lol
Not bad, this was okay but when you called him Johnny, I thought of a little kid. Maybe it could use a bit more humor as they took off running , have a near miss on the crunching? lol
I"m totally amazed at the way you chose to rhyme this poem! The rhyming words may be in the middle of a sentence, and you may have a sentence span two stanzas. Looks wise it works, but I had a hard time with the rythm not ending on the thyming word.
His explanation given, her scientist father
smiled and asked the girl, "Now do you
understand?" His wife said, "Why bother
answering her if afterwards she hasn't a clue
"what your explanation means? Honey, let
Mommy try to explain it. You know how
our backyard has lots of rose bushes, yet
there is still room for your swing set now?"
amazing choice of words to rhyme, NOT the same old predictable ones. Good for you!!
"If living things remained alive perpetually,
the demand upon the world's resources
would become overwhelming eventually;
so a vital balance our ecosystem enforces."
Your description says this is about abuse. I did see that through the tears and childs confusion. But as an abused chid, I think this could be a ot clearer on that.
I am vary confused,
And filled with great fear.--and you say it's not true, but I think you could make it clearer right here.
Unable to think,
That someone could love.
A person so useless,
That they are above. ---this line confused me
sences duress. --senses
I soon fall fast and deep in sleep,
My fears have been Alayed.
I now am sure of her pure love,
I no longer am afraid.
---This is too pat of an ending. Hurting him, and then saying the words, doesn't take away the pain and would never take away the pain. The yo-yo in emotions only makes a child totally stressed and always in doubt and afraid. They may learn to not show it.
I think there is some good stuff here, but I think it could be better if you show more of the reasons he is afraid. I sincerely hope it was not you who was abused.
love, LinnAnn
I realize you probably didn't think this way at all...but, lol your word choice made me think of labor!
ripple that breaks the smooth surface of a peaceful -- braxtonhicks contractions
sudden rainstorm, crashing with thunder and blinding with lightning;--stage three of labor
Your cherubs' face attacks my banded heart with a ferocity --this reminded me of when my first daughter came out, feet still in and she was yelling. Made my heart glw to know she was alive, and then kicking, lol
Like the leaves of autumn,--And she was born in October!
He screamed through the air, approaching his victim in total silence.--If it's screaming, it's not in total silence.
back with open arms--open wings? or just welcomed him back?
Very nice take on the 'lost sheep'.
The only thing that detracts from it is refering to the Master as the dark figure.
saw a dark figure coming
The dark figure approached
Since it's about Christ it just doesn't fit calling him 'dark' just my opinion. Other than these little things it's great. Have you thought of submitting it to a Christian Magazine?
love, LinnAnn
It's the beginning of a cute story! I"m not sure how old the boy is. To be left alone for so long makes it sound like he's a bit older, but he didn't know enough about words or amounts, so it made him sound like maybe a kindergartener. Maybe if he asked dad what he could do and dad suggests the movie it would be less like he's neglected, lol ON the other hand, I guess there are kids left alone that much so maybe it's fine. lol
Nice touch that dad helped him!
love, LinnAnn
Instead of telling us about her crying and why, 'show' us by working it into the story.
But everything changed until one day--Take out the word 'until'
that there is someone --that there was someone(tense)
She wondered and --what was she wondering?
was always smiling for Jesus has given --was smiling had given-tenses must agree
She has really turned --had has is present tense and turned is past tense
I appreciate your efforts. The only thing needed was tense agreement. Sweet story.
love, LinnAnn
Number one was okay.
Okay , so I'm a nut, but number trwo made me chuckle!
number three made me laugh out loud, and it wasn't cause it was after 1 a.m. roflol
number 4 rates too.
number 5 cracked me up as well.
number 6, I'd tell you 'thnk you very much'
number 7, I have 40 and 30 year old sons who would love to do that all day long, and when work gets rained out, they do just that.
number 8, last lline didn't ryme with lines one and two, but I totally understand needing the right word. I had to ask my writers group for help with that today.
number nine,..only if number ten was human and the eater was a cannibal? lol
you could put more effort into humber ten. get some sleep and let me know if you do lol
love, LinnAnn
Sweet poem. (I'm not sure what the time signifies or importance in first two lines) I wonder if the lines were changed a bit to reflect different pause places if it would flow and connect more? I added a few words, obviouslly you don't have to keep them, lol. I just thought it would be a bit more...complete? Please don't be offended, the're just suggestions.
love, LinnAnn
Teeth glisten white
at two in the afternoon.
Soft feet
feel the grass
between the toes.
Arms open wide
to be picked up.
A small voice
questions the world
and mimics
every movement.
The umbilical cord
now stretches
like a leash,
enough to explore
within sight
of mom or dad or uncle.
Rooms and yard
are childproofed,
all danger banished,
until the diapers are abandoned.
But at two,
each day is enjoyed
between the naps,
between dawn and dusk
days stretch
a lifetime
full of wonder.
, and now he returned to me as often as he could--in the flesh, to express that love and indulge our passion for each other.--you don tmention them getting married, and with the commandment to not fornicate...hmmmm
Very nicely done, other than the fact that I seriously doubt God would approve of thier sinning. lol
Good dialogue and description.
love, LinnAnn
The stars glistened like diamonds against the black canvas of night sky--nicely worded
Pure fear coursed through her veins-fear doesn't seem strong enough, I'd use terror.
grasped at the air--did you mean grasped or gasped?
Soon after the affects of his blood washed over her. Every cell in --the print here is so small I can't tell if you have a period making it an incomplete sentence, or a comma, as you have the next word capitalized.
a buoy knife in hand--this buoy is the kind that floats in the ocean. You mean Bowie, as in Jim Bowie who made it famous.
David’s fangs slid out passed his lips, --did he not turn her? she doesn' thave fangs? he just made her fall in love? But he made her strong, why wasn't he?
David easily dispatched of the first one--take out the word 'of'
I would like a bit more explanation in the story about the points I brought up and about his blood dripping into her to heal her? I thought vampires don't have blood anymore. And if the wolf drank her blood he should know he'd die from the effects of it.
Other than those items, this was a good read. You had good action, good dialogue, and pulled it all together quite well.
love, LinnAnn
Kara’s mind wandered to a simpler time, and she touched the window’s glass in reflection.- maybe 'as she touched' would lead into the next sentence when she goes back in time smoother?
Can you tell me a story, Daddy?”-need the begining quote marks.
You say she put the pillows on the sill, but if she is sleeping there, it must be a widow seat, or windo box.
Your last sentence threw me. “How could I have forgotten?”-Was that the grown up Kara or the child Kara?
I really liked this!! You handled the time shift well. Nicely done!
love, LinnAnn
I think to myself as I look into his eyes, ". --you just mentioned the step dad, need a transition phrase, or words, to let us know you are back to the uncle.
this is cute. I enjoyed reading this and feel there could be more if you care to expand this.
love, LinnAnn
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