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Review of Love  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (3.0)
I am unfamiliar with this style of poetry. Is it fre verse totally or are there requirements for meter and line length? If there is not, you might want to try seeing if you can express your feelings while working on form. You can experiment on making the lines meter fit a pattern.

I would like to know more about why you can't stop thinking about him. What makes him so special to you? Share that with the reader and you draw them in. Let us take a pek into your heart.

Why are you concernred about hurting him? Have you before, or are you afraid something you are doing now might hurt him?

"You are the best ever"--The best what? Boyfriend, husband, brother, sister ? Help give us a more complete picture.

You have the beginnings of a good poem. Let it grow and blossom fuller. You can do it. You have the heart of a poet, let it express itself more fully.
love, LinnAnn

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Rated: ASR | (3.0)
I"M totally confused. I thought I as already signed up but I guess not as I looked at al lthe names on the colores listings. Marsha Musselman said she would sponser me, but I guess I goofed. I am signed up on the official NaNoWriMo site and hve recorded words totals. I don't kno w what else to do. Thanks
love, LinnAnn
703
703
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Rated: E | (4.0)
I enjoyed this poem. Even if there are a couple of spots that I didnt understand.

Is this a particular style of poem? I noticed that the amount of lines in the front half and the second half don't match. If this is not a 'style' then you may want to make it more even.

Only pride comforts me on this side. --why? does this person belong there but is upset? or is this person working and pride in their job keeps them from going home? Or is this a homeless person to prideful to go to a shelter?

Mummies clang pots and pans;--Homeless wrapped up in cloth? I don't understand

Another’s supper on a bitter wind
Teasing those of us not yet in. ---;---This was worded wonderfully! I do like this rhyme set. .

A pause. --why?

And then a bang, bang, bang!--wht does this mean?

Little feet pound wooden hills;

And balk at their green meals.--I dont et this part either, the little feet?


Damn! How winter lingers. --great last line!

Love, LinnAnn

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Rated: E | (3.5)
Rhoda spoke of the past, telling me about her mother who came to the states from Poland---This would have been a great place to share some of the stories she shared with you. You put the hook in front of our faces, but didn't put the worm on to reel us in.

up to twelve.” It’s very fulfilling to ---If all the preceding and what follows is her talking , take the quote marks out after 'twelve' as it's all the same speaker.

If there was a word limit I guess I can see why you didn't expand on the 'stories' of her families past. it would have been nice to read them.
Nice interview.
love, LinnAnn

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Review of Her in Me  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.5)
I really enjoyed your homage to your mother. I hope you have shared it with her! I also love the way you ended each verse with the strength and the body part that it affects.

Her love is in me,
Free to those deserving,---Sometimes others may not 'deserve' our love, but they still need it. I hope you ponder this, as I'm sure your mom may have had times when she didn't feel like loving an errant child, but did anyway. lol

thank you for sharing this with us. t thouroughly enjoyed it.

love, LinnAnn

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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I never felt any of those while I lived with my mum in small town wagga, redknecks and bogans ---If 'wagga' is the name of the town, capitalize it. What is a 'bogan'?

The world is full of those who don't feel comfortable living with their mums. lol

turn it of Lou---do you mean turn it off?

Love you to mum. ---when something is in excess it's 'too'

The hustles were the hardest bit, making a living on the streets, the parties and the coke, and then home to crash in front of the Telly with a takeaway box and cigarette before bed. Ah, I said home, a trashy rundown apartment at the back end of nowhere.---This part confuses me, are you speaking of your home where you were raised, or the song, or the home you are at now?

I don’t need here I’m strong---I don't need (her) here.

LIttle typos, and I take it you are from Sydney? Your slang was pretty much understandable. ONly the one word got away from me. lol

I dn't know if you are just writing about the change, or if you really have had it done. If this is real, then I hope you are well and doing okay adapting. If this is fiction, you did a very good job.

love, LinnAnn

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Review of Concrete Cats  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.5)
I'm sitting here cracking up, laughing out loud. What a great poem. You did it'wonderfully well. I have no idea what inspired you to write about concrete cats but it's uproariously funny.

Guess it’s better than fleshy splatter--delicate way to put it, lol

It’s just a case of cat over matter ---Not sure what you meant by this, but it rhymed beautifully!

Thanks for sharing.

love, Linnann

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708
Review of Lost Tries  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (3.5)
Denied you pained you betrayed you?---you may want to put commas in to make sure the meaning you want is the one you write.


He looked and said take my hands---and said,"take my hand. Never let go, I'll carry you through the land."--I took out the 's' so it would still go with the loater lines.
Never let go, I'll carry you though the lands.---You need to put the quote punctuation marks in.

She stared at him and said she understands.---and said,"I understand."

She begged him please never let go of her hands.---begged him, "Please never let go of my hand."

She cried and cried this is when it always started.--put a period after 'cried.'

She was about to let go and he began to cry fainthearted. ---comma after 'cry'

Her eyes widened she gripped his hand and realized his eyes.---realized goes with a situation or idea not with eyes. --- and reclaimed his eyes.

"I love you." I will not deny you or betray you.
I may hurt you, but I have decided that is part of I love you.
I will never let go and I will hold you tighter than you've ever been held for I love you. ---I think this whole part belongs in quotes.

He thought girls didn't exist who were refined.---Again, needs quote punctuation

They remained intertwined for life, their hearts shined♥--This sentence doesn't quite work.

If you look at your poem as a whole, see how the lines aren't even? the don't all need to be, but the syllables need to be close as in, all first lines should be similar in meter, all 2nd lines same to each other in length or meter etc.

You have put some good feeling into your work, I think if you tidy it up it will be a lot better. Give it a shot.

love, LinnAnn

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Review of Betsy's Big Itch  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.5)
My cmputer is old so words show up three lines after I type them, and my eyes are going , so pardon MY typos. lol

"Mayvbe you should go wahs up again."--little typos

Betsy thought to herself" maybe the grey parts of my skin are dirty and that's why it itches. I wonder what would happen if I use the cloth to clean my legs?"--thoughts are often shown in italics. Check some of the 'how to' books and some books you read that have internal dialogue.

That is a cute story! None of my kids disliked baths. lol I had a hard time getting them out of the tub! lol Thank you for sharing.
love, LinnAnn

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Rated: E | (3.5)
My eyes are going , so pardon typos. It's after 4 a.m. and I can't see very well.

I"m trying to figureout the pattern of your poem You started out AA BB then your rhym quit except the word round every third line. Is there a name for this type of peotry or did you just happen to do it this way?

I gave it away, lost it on a horse, a dog and a wife.--This reminds me of the childrens song "I've got sixpence, jolly jolly sixpence. I've got sixpence to last me all my life..."

A rouble here a drachma there--Do you mean "ruble"?

it don’t matter

As long as the world goes round.--You have a wonderful last line. It's so true.

love, LinnAnn

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Review of Spinning Circle  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.0)
The whipping of tall,solid trees.--I like the 'whipping', good origiinal word.
The screaming of someone in a flat.--you bring about so many snippets of emotion
The gental tapping of meaningful tears.--gentle

The sound of a lovers spin chilling breath.--I have no idea what this sentence means. If you could take the time to explain I would appreciate it.

The gripping proposal word maybe.--I didn't get this either.

The tremberling worlds of the upset.--trembling (very thought provoking)
Three presents,francansince gold and mryth.--do you mean myrrh (gifts to the Christ child? or did you really mean mirth?)

I found this poem very though provoking. Thank you for sharing.

love, LinnAnn

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712
Review of Alchemy  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.5)
They become electrified
Feeling sparks from words on every page---I like the whole poem. BUT, I like these two lines the best! I totally agree with you and the way you feel about books. There are some that think real books are on the way out,but there are lots of us that like the feel and smell of a new book. (I also like the really old books, lol)
Thanks for sharing your poem with us.

love, LinnAnn

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Review of A Day on the Farm  Open in new Window.
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Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Charley, Mike and Bob, the other three roosters agreed, “Skippy is what I call Rick.
“Did you see that?” Henry squawked.---I thought there were four roosters, Rick in the roost and the other three. so who is Henry?

I read it a couple of times and still couldn't figure out who henry was, but the story reminded me of when a banty rooster, who was so lively, just laid there after he lost his head. When my husband went for another chicken, the banty started to use his wings to crawl across the lawn. The kids and I laughed like crazy. We laughed so hard that we couldn't tell my husband where the banty had gone until we could catch our breaths. lol Nicely done.

love, LinnAnn

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714
Review of Lost  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Where do you go when your life derails?
Where do you find the strength to persist?
My tears, unconstrained, trace silvered trails.---I love your wording! Very moving.

my heart leaving pain like some festering cyst.--Is your heart leaving the pain, or is it feeling the pain?

Very nicely done. I admire the way you have the middle lines rhyming all the way through. You have obviously put a lot of thought into this poem and the effort to make it work. Please don't be dismayed at not getting a 5 I rarely give them and this is a 4.5, also rarely given. Great job!

Love, LinnAnn

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Rated: E | (3.5)
observe the decorated homes in lights--homes decorated in lights

Have you heard of 'show don't tell'? If you give us a blank screan and only a narrator, what kind of movie would it be? Give us more scenery and dialogue.

he’d make a young girl’s vision ---he'd made a young --tenses need to agree

my beliefs of Santa had been confirmed. --Until it happens, don't use past tense. You may want to save this sentence until after the event.

with enthusiasm, to look up into --pointed and said with enthusiasm, "Look up into the sky" -- more dialogue

I interrupted.
My hands were pressed against the glass, my eyes followed the red flashing light and I answered without a doubt, “Santa!”---put her 'santa' closer to the interrupted so it IS interrupted. I interrupted-"Santa!" My hands were pressed...

no doubt that he came because I’d seen him on the ride home. -- make that 'he would come'--dialogue can have contractions but narration can not. He hasn't come yet, as you say she was surprised in the morning.

He opened his eyes with a gleam and was getting out of bed.--Got out of bed--unless he was sleep walking and already headed that way

raced my brother to the stockings--If they are running to the stockings, she wuld run to wak the brother wouldnt she?

family was stirring including--put comma after stirring

This is a cute story and with a little work it can be much better! Brings back memories!
love, LinnAnn

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Review of She  Open in new Window.
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Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
If this is based on reality, then please don't be offended by the review.
You did a good job on voicing the pain and grief.

You need more punctuation.

She takes you to some other place
and I so want you here--do you want him there because of it as you say? I'd take out the 'and'. Make them two sentences.

She takes you to some other place.
I so want you here.

It's all her fault --Don't let him off the hook. He made the choice. I'd reword this.

unless you're in love with heroin
and that,--I never knew--We can suspect, with the lost jobs, the power cut off, the losing weight.

If this is based in your reality, then I am very sorry for your family. You did well in voicing your grief and anger.
love, LinnAnn

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Review of Miscarriage  Open in new Window.
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I sat still in the waiting room, watching the blood stains spread on my jeans--Usually they ask you to write down what the problem is.

Hours passed, my jeans now stained beyond respectability--Holy cow girl! Where were you that they just let you bleed like that in the waiting room? If this is real...your hospital is worse than ours. They let me sit in the waiting room having a stroke for three hours. But blood is more noticable!

Instead I worried about staining the white sheets and wondered how long I would wait now until a doctor came.---And that should have been immediatly! They had no idea how long you were bleeding, you could have gonein a coma.

nothing sheltered me from the words---you alredy knew, you just didn't want to hear it, hearing it makes it real.

You did very well in writing this. You made the pain real, and I relived my own experience, as well as my daughters two. Good imagery.

Love, LinnAnn
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Review of Woodland Fairy  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.0)
By not posting in black you made it very hard for these old eyes to see and read your work.

she's a fairy --I dont see a period here or after your other sentences. Did you mean for it to be that way?

sglow with mirth--do you mean aglow?

She smells of sweet poppies and the scent of earth--I do like the way you rhyme this.


flowers that fall from the trees--would blossoms be more accurate? You already use flowers also.

The flag of joy in heart completely unfurled--You're a bit short on syllabales in this line, so you have room to put in the word 'her'--the flag of joy in her heart..

And dances with fireflies until the break of dawn--Your first line in this grouping is short, so you may want to take out a syllable-- fireflies 'till the break...

She rests under a toadstool, her blanket a leaf

"A fairy's life is hard," She yawns, then falls asleep---This is the only rhyming set that doesn't quite make it.

but I do love your poem. It's whimsical and cute. You hve good imagery!
love, LinnAnn

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Review of The Bar Mitzvah  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.0)
ritual to gain the status of Bar Mitzvah.---I learned something already. I thought the Bar or Bat Mitzvah was an event, not a status.

read Hebrew at least slowly (though it is rare for them to be able to understand it---What is the point of reading something you don't understand? I can't imagine reading the Bible and not being able to learn from it. How would I benefit from it's words and teachings? This puzzles me.

prayers that are sung during a typical Sabbath. --Are they taught what the prayers mean? If not, why? How can one commune with God if he doens't know what he is saying? Do you not have individual prayers where someone shares their day, feelings, fears etc?

Thank you so much for sharing this. I had a counselor that gave me a couple of childrens books about the Jewish faith but they did not explain the Bar/Bat Mitzvah.

In our church the children are taught fro infancy to pray. At 18 months they go to nursery at church and pray there. At 3 years they go to Primary where they learn to give 'talks' (mini sermons) and say prayers beforethe other children and teachers. At 8 they are deemed old enough to know the basics of wrong and right so they may be baptised. for the boys they gain Aaronic priesthood responsibilites and progress through them at ages 12, 14, and 16. At age 19 if they are going on a mission they gain the higher priesthood. Melchezidec (pardon spelling) or when they are ready to go to Temple to be sealed for eternity to their spouse. We hve some things in common.

Again thank you for sharing. I feel uncomforable rating an informative piece on your religion. Your writing was very textbook like. So again, how do I rate it when it's not a creative piece? I shall rate it as higher than average as it's not creative, you shared well

Love, LinnAnn

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Review of Angels  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (3.5)
Pardon my typos, my computer is so old that I type about 3-4 lines ahead before the words start to appear. Also my eyes are going.
---------------------------------------------------------
I had to read this more than once to try and get the meaning. I totally understand the meaning being a bit difficult to fathom in poetry, same with mine. lol

If I got it right, the first verse is about Angels?

The second verse seems broken up that the last sentence is also the first of the next verse? I didnt get the second verse.

Laying on a(n)---an 'a' before a vowl is 'an'
Operating table

I'm not sure what the dragonfly represents. The hole in the ceiling is where the angels are looking in and their tears are falling, but I just don't get the dragonfly.

last verse is clear.

If you have time to explain it, I'd appreciate it. The dragonfly intriques me.
love, LinnAnn

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Review of beware  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (3.5)
Hatred
Envey--possible a comma after hatred, to show a pause

I didn't understand the poem, but it was intriguing

Sheilded agianst the light--against

Moves silenlently among shadows--silently

Over the top--do you mean over the top as in wacko, or way out there, or over the top of the shadows?

And I don't know why to beware, what will he/she do?

Very interesting anyway

love, LinnAnn

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Review of Hopping Poppers  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.0)
My computer is very old and I'm several lines into typing before anything shows. So please excuse typos as my eyes are going, and if I hurry and don't go back, I can review large pieces as well as modest sizes. Also, I type my concerns and questions as a reader,when they come up.


You grabbed my interest right away! It would have been easier to read if there had been more paragraph breaks.I was disappointed to see it was all in narrative form. I kept asking for more information, dialogue, scenery.

I hope the wizard won’t notice.--at this point I still don't know how old this kid is, but I think the Wizard will notice. They are trained to be observant! lol

blue and green striped sweater on--If the color of the sweater doesn't matter to the plot, then I'd just mention the sweater, and maybe tell me how old this kid is

colored pluxedkinkers--I love the new word!

So I waited about ten minutes for the wizard--why? he's gonna kill her if he finds her invading his private sanctum. Home invastion.

sit on the floor. Unfortunately, it is stone,--saying the book IS her favorite is okay, she knows her favs. But the make up of the floor should stay in past tense as she is relating it after she was there.

I didn’t even read the rest of the page because I had already leaped up and ran outside to try the new spell.--After watching The Wizards of Waverly Place on Disney, I can see a disaster coming, lol Always read the whole spell and it's warnings.

were candies. They were unfamiliar to me --how did she know before she ate them? could have been poison or medicine

the ending was okay, but I was hoping for more. You have a great beginning, so if you actually decide to write a book, let me know. do keep in mind that dialogue, scenery, smells, use all the senses, makes for a great read. Can you imagine Harry Potter if it were on a black screen and only a narrator speaking, no kids, no anything else?

I do want more of this story! lol
love, LinnAnn
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Rated: E | (3.0)
This is a cute narrative. Do you know the saying 'show don't tell'? To be a great story we need less narrative and more of everything else. Otherwise it's like watching a blank tv with only hearing the narrative. If you go back and add in some dialogue and description that would be great.

Your first paragraph you can give us some of it as dialogue. Talk to the oldest child, name him/her. How old is he/she? Draw us into the story by making it come alive!
"Sarah, this time when daddy packs you must leave the clothes in the suitcase." When the puppy goes to tak a shoe out of the suitcase, use dialogue to show that. Have you chasing the puppy. Give us description of what the other characters look like. What kind of puppuy was it? How old.

In the second paragraph, give us the conversation with your wife at home. Then later on the phone.

Give us the two ladies that talk to her. tell us the expressions on their faces, give us tactil and emotional.

You have the makings of a cute story. I did enjoy the 'punch line'. lol

Love, LinnAnn

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Rated: E | (3.0)
If your original had chapters separated, then there is an icon you can click on so it stays in format. If not, then separate your paragraphs and dialogue. Also check your books for how to do the punctuation for dialogues. I have to check this all the time! Pardon the typos, my computer is three sentences behind my typing, that and it's after midnight and my eyesight is going. sorry.

make it dramatic okay anything." --take off the anything, and put in the question mark after dramatic.

class when all of a sudden --all the 'how to ' books say to not use 'all of a sudden' just say suddenly. You used that phrase three times in this short piece. Try using other words that can depict it, (abruptly, suddenly, etc)

green flash gos by and next thing you know my favorite bracelet is gone--check your spelling 'goes' and (the) next thing you know

Just disappeared into --It just disappeared

So I start running to my locker --you started in past tense, this is present tense

as quick as I can--quickly as I could

get my jet pack to start chasing the thing." --you are saying the jet pack did the chasing. Your verbs need to match the noun. So use something like "get my jet pack so I could start chasing the thing'---are you chasing the bracelet or the green flash?

So I am getting my --so I was getting--I'm not going to point out all the tense changes. You can go back and fix them.

strap it on and take of--take off

green thing is about run in to --is about to run into

behind the thing and I can't see her--how big is that green light? If it's big enough to impair seeing, then you might want to mention the size earlier.

why not. I will be getting out of math."--You may want this part in italics to show thought. That way the principal won't hear it and it's funnier.

You have a cute story and a funny ending. Fix the little things and it will be a lot better.
love, LinnAnn
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Review of Mysterious  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.0)
I'm not sure about the first part, the meaning eludes me.

Where is my end? --you are speaking of the soul or the mortal body?

No, I'll remain the elusive force.--I'm not sure what you mean by this either. I think of time as the elusive force/

The one that transforms
Death to Diamonds--This also make me think of time, so I hope I got it. lol

I do like the 'death to diamonds' part. It's nice to think that all this defective and overly large carbon based lifeform could one day become a diamond. Just one small detail, I saw on a CSI episode that the embalmed body turns into soap.?! lol

I sooooo much prefer your idea. lol

love, LinnAnn

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