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Review of The Best Revenge  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Do you see me having fun?

Do you miss our little talks?

Do you imagine my face?

Are you jealous and alone?

At the end of each little verse, you ask a question. All of them are concerning whether or not he misses or feels something about you.

Aloof, distant, letting you go
Watch me as I walk away. ---From all the examples of questions, an this last verse...I don't think you let go. But you are trying! lol

Revenge never feels as good as one would imagine. But getting on with your life, that works for everyone! lol

love, LinnAnn

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602
Review of Dracula Essay  Open in new Window.
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Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Leaving our marriage, leaving our home, leaving me.--not the marriage dear, but yes leaving the honeymoon. lol

I spent my time counting his time gone. I slept only to make my time here without him pass faster, but when I closed my eyes, I saw only his eyes, fiery and vicious as they reflected the death he was creating. Inside my nightmares, my love was there, plunging his sword into the hot gut of the enemy. I smiled that he did not let them die immediately, but that he let them suffer, suffer, until they walked through the gates of Hell to suffer for an eternity. They were the enemy, they were taking my husband from me, and if I had a sword and shield, I would extinguish their worthlessness with all of my rage. ----I didn't get this whole paragraph or the next.

I prayed to the God I knew no longer existed.--If He no longer exists, then why pray to Him?

our two banished souls could search eternally for a place we would never belong.--Why search for a place you cannot belong to?

If she din't read the note, how does she know he's dead? It couldhave been a ransome note. The enemy often held royalty for ransom. One guy was imprisioned for over 20 years as he was in line for the throne. To kill him would be treason, but keeping him out of the running was okay I guess. lol

This sounds like it's for a romance novel. I would work to make it clearer to the reader. After you do that, it may be good enough to submit. But the reader can't get lost in the words.

love, LinnAnn

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Review of More About Me  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.5)
For those of you whom have --I"m not all knowing about this, but isn't 'whom' for not action people? Shouldn't this be 'who'?

Gift points are nice, but I find the best gifts ever received(are) the ones of REAL

for it matters not what a reviewer thinks, --If the reviewer notices goofs, or points out little boo boos, then shouldn't we care?

for I would never purposefully hurt or offend another.--I totally understand this

I am very glad you feel well enough to write again. Glad you are back.
love, LinnAnn

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In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
I have read in many 'how to' books that prologues should be included in the story. To have characters tell it to us in their dialogue is the best. I realize you are setting the mood, but I'm one of those people that doesn't want the 'power' or 'fame'. I wouldn't give up everything for a 'dream'.

If your characters are discussing this, THEY can debate the pros and cons of such decisions.

If you stick with the prologue, make it shorter or people will just skim over it to get to the 'action'.

love, LinnAnn

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In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Every time I saw you my heart fluttered with the ferocity of a thousand butterflies, my smile ever present and unwavering with you near. --What a lovely and precious sentence.

A weak smile etched itself across my face at the memory of you, marred by the tears that streaked relentlessly down my cheeks.--To go from such happiness to such despair in one heartbeat.

Such a very vivid description, so heartbreakingly real. If this is not fiction, I hope you have found some solace.

Love, LinnAnn

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Review of Dead Red Roses  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Throughout most of the poem the rythm flows seemingly effortlessly. I was very impress that there was no stretching or forced feeling. When I got to verse six, you agan seemed to effortlessly tell of what the problem was about. I know it probably took a great deal of effort. You did it well.

the last three verses weren't quite as smooth.

A childhood erratic emphatic with fears --You might consider putting a comma after erratic. Read it aloud and see if you pause there for clarity.

No blood on blood can love or dare to share--I totally missed the meaning of this line

Illusion with confusion then to war .---I love the flow of this, but didn't get it
As wasted-worn tore through my inner core --didn't understand this

For now the time has come to heal the mind ---I love this shining ray of hope

Your last verse was so uplifting and encouraging. I don't get the last line but it has beautiful imagery. I love it.

thanks for sharing this with us.

Love, LinnAnn

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Review of The Smoke Ballet  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Wow! I was so enthralled by your poem.

By not telling me what the smoke was caused by, you kept some mystery.

Soft Swirls of smoke linger for a time--I love the triple sibilants

to twirl timidly, --I like the 'twirl' close, but not swirl, and two 't's in a row.

perform their melancholy dance.--You hint at sorrow, but you don't elaborate, that pulls me out of the mood you have so carefully set. Love lost?

You mention a curtain closing and reality.

fade away
with the temporary smoke ballet.---none of the poem rhymes except these last two lines. I love the last three words, and the bit of rhyme is great. I rarely give '5's

Love, LinnAnn

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Review of My Love  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (3.5)
This was a touching poem. I'm not sure if I understood it as poetry is often understood more by the writer. lol

this sounds like you are giving God the credit for your writing, and that you write for a loved one. am I correct? Becaues later you write...



i beg you form the lord--do you mean from the Lord? (Lord should be capitalized)
to make you mine--sweet

I am not eternal, i have to go--but then you say goodbye as if you are dying now. I certainly hope not!

several lines I really liked--
With chords and guitars
i am a song
you are my chime--Very lovely


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Review of Knight of Hues  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (3.0)
Most often poetry is most understood by the poet. Someimes we put forth little seedings of the fast forest inside of us.

What if the lustrous skies were pink;--The clouds often are where I live. lol I love pink skies. lol

I totally do not understand what the odd colors you mention have to do with seefdlings fertile.

this was very colorful but cryptic

thank you for sharing, and May you have lovely pink clouds.

love, LinnAnn

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610
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Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Yes, a very dark and despairing poem. I do not understand much of it, but poetry is like that. It is always clearer to those that write it

I understand the sinking into the couch, I sink into my hospital bed.

Counting all the change and souls I've found--I understand finding change in the couch, but not the souls, that puzzles me

I am so sorry. Maybe someone else can understand it better and give you a better critique.

For what it's worth, whatever caused this grief and despare, I hope it has or will resolve soon.

love, LinnAnn

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Review of My Angel  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (3.5)
I wrie free verse poetry and am not familar with all the styles. I'm not sure why the first verse has three and the next has four.

I feel your grief. I have also suffered the lost of a baby, and others in my family. I do hope you are healing.

I was the person who told her everything would be all right.--and it is for her. She is in loving arms right now.

I never imagined I'd have to bury my own,--I have heard , even this week, No parent should have to bury/ outlive their child.

The feeling inside of me will never be told.--I don't know if you realize it, but sweetheart, you have just told us. My prayers are with you, from one mom to another.

love, LinnAnn

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Review of Stranger  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (3.0)
I didn't understand most of this. You call everything stranger. At first I thought you had amnesia.

Many of your lines are uneven in count and as I read the poem, feeling the beat, I came across two very long lines that totally yanked me out of your poem.---

Where I get to unveil my strangeness
and
To know the worth of our subsistence

I peep inside my heart,--typo?

find the strangers gone for good--do you mean strangers as in more than one...or is it a typo, stranger's--as in stranger is? And if 'he' is gone,..where did he go?

Upsetting and tart.--I didn't understand this...tart?

I feel compelled to understand why you feel you are such a stranger to all of nature, to your own body, to those who love you. But you have evoked an emotion, so that is good.

Poetry is often ellusive in it's nature, always easier for us to understand our own works, lol

Thank you for sharing with us.

Love, LinnAnn

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Review of Karma  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.0)
My slashing, lizard tongue --very vivid. I hadn't heard of this before, quite original!

Anguish that embellished the core of the rotten apple I had become.--also very vivid.

bad seed; nurtured by acid rain.--Another very strong statement

My scaly skin left behind on the rock that I scraped on all those years I claimed to love.--Very strong, and finally gives us a hint at what the problem is.

It was a fantasy where those I once strived to save would embrace me.
They would embrace me and say, “It is okay. You’re not perfect.”--I get it now. I totally understand. It is heart breaking, is it not?

thank you for sharing your anger and grief. Here are a few hugs OOOO

Love, LinnAnn

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Rated: E | (4.0)
I can tell this is about work, but I'm left wondering what type of work.

Helping us out,--This confused me. You are helping your company, not a client?

Could it be that I’m in my fullest capacity -
Dream job, dream pay, and not lacking tenacity?---I like thesetwo lines, the rhyming fits and isn't strained, it flows naturally.

Now, hard-nosed, I make a push
Making that deadline would save my bottom.--these two lines were the only ones that didn't rhyme. I am not famliar with this style of rhyme so don't know if it's supposed to be taht way or not. But it drew me out of your so carefully written work.

The new number one priority, a speedy edit and review - --Are you an editor? lol

That person with a face - that person is you!---I didn't get this line. We all hve faces, so does this mean you are personalizing your work, so it's not nameless, faceless people you serve?

This was thought provoking and drew me in for most of it.

Thank you for sharing your work.

Love, LinnAnn

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Review of I Notice  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (3.5)
It's you I notice.--I know you wanted the 'you' to stand out, but it stands out too much and detracts from your poem. Maybe if you italicised it?

I like that the second verse is baguely shaped like a heart. You may not have meant it but I like it.

Often 'I' statements get repetitious, but you vary yours so they make a point without being 'too much'

Thank you for sharing this with us.

Love, LinnAnn

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Review of The Old Poet  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hand still injured, please pardon my typos.

He wrote them all both smile and frown--It feels like it needs a comma after 'all'

that which he wed--This rhymed but I didn't get it.

I liked the way you found the rhym in your second verse. No stretching and not the usual obvious. Nicely done.

Maybe it's because I live on the ocean, I don't know, but I love the imagery of the third verse!!

The last verse made me sad. How very, very, sad. I'm not sure if you meant he didn't read them aloud to others or just wrote them and never looked at them again...either way, very sad.

thank you for sharing this with us.

Love, LinnAnn

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Review of seeking freedom  Open in new Window.
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Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
I jsut got my hand out of a cast, still have a problem so pardon my typos.
You also need to put two spaced between your periods and the next sentence.

When you post, click the 'keep format' spot and paragraphs will stay. It's hard to read when there are no breakes.

If you read your piece out loud slowly, you can find the errors.

Your first word of each sentence needs to be a capital letter.

routine sounds stare at the room (comma between 'sounds' and 'stare'

I think your first sentence could be shorter.

move as we programmed --as we are

satisfy our imaginary world that we all wish to be.--this is confusing you say 'world then 'we all wish to be' are you saying we all want to be imaginary worlds?

God is capitalized.

I'm not saying quit your job or leave anything your doing(period)

keep doing what you do and love that's your right. this doesn't make sense 'and love that's your right. confusing.


Just seek time for your mind to find your freedom.(--throughout this piece I'm sure you have what that freedom is, but it missed it.

Go back through, slowly and ut in more punctuation and capital letters. I feel confident that you can make it clearer in a rewrite.

love, LinnAnn

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Review of Only For Me  Open in new Window.
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Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
I just got my hand out of a cast, so pelase forgive my typos.

I am not familiar with this style of poetry. The verses are uneven in length, and some lines are very, very long.

I do like the partial repetition in the verses, carrying the theme in each verse.

only for me only to me, only at me.

I would have liked this to be carries out more in the poem. Yo hint at it later, but the first verse captlures it better.

love, LinnAnn

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Rated: E | (3.0)
I just got a cast off my hand, so pardon the errors as it's still stiff.
This would be easier to read if it were broken into groupings, verses.

I do not understand this poem. --that is the way often with poetry. The poet sings the tune and often the reader might only get the chorus.

It sounds like domestic violence but I'm not sure.

Painted black faces that scream as they cry,--This line starts off the mood, but I do not understand it.

I do hope you or whoever this is written about is doing okay.

love, LinnAnn

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620
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Splint on hand, typing is hard, so pardon them.

I"m not very familiar with this style to comment on it, but did notice it had a pattern. You captured the Joker wonderfully. I don't remember the pocket full of knives, have to check that out too. lol

Pockets full o' knives and lint--Was there really lint? or was this just something people have so yo mentioned it? lol

Your last two lines cracked me up.

love, LinnAnn

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Review of To Love a Human  Open in new Window.
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Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
It's late and my computer is about 6 lines behind my typing, so please pardon my typos. Also this logged me out while I as reviewing this, So if you get two, sorry. This one has a bit more at the bottom


First paragraph starts out good, emotion and action, good description. A little mystery with the comment about the parents.

I opened the large oak door --bedroom door? You gave us good description of sheets and railing, give us some 'place'

a castle from the old times,--You can take out 'old times' as it's a given, I dont think there are any castles being built these days.

could also afford all of them ---All fo them in wthe world, or in their home?

However, they died four years ago, when I was merely twelve years old. Marie was sixteen at the time --this could be in a dream sequence at the beginning so it's 'shown' to us not 'told. You could put the 'never fall in love, in another nightmare, lol"

She was beautiful and I envied my older sister. She had beautiful, long, ebony hair that felt like silk. ---You use 'beautiful' twice too closely together. How about...I envied my beautiful older sister. Her long, ebony hair felt like silk....
You already told us she is beautiful, so we will know that all the attributes you mention are what make her beautiful.

The night my parents died Marie instantly snapped me to attention.--This is vague and confusing. Where are they? What were they doing? It sounds like Ella was sitting at the table and the sister snapped her fingers to pull her out of a daydream. Make sure what is in your head comes out onto the pape.r

All the parents dying, the packing all that shuld be the beginnning of your story. Dont tell us like some invisible announcer, take us there, pull us into the action and suspense,

I had pounced out of the Ferrari--People and animals pounce ON things, not out of them, ...maybe 'bounce' or jumped or flew out of the ...

"Mom and Dad ordered all four of us to death.--As in 'scared me to death' or do you mean ordered them killed? If you mean killed, then why?

through some of our rooms to the kitchen --'some of our rooms' sounds awkward..Why not splash in an upstairs bathroom?

face, a human instinct.--I'm human and I don't have any urge to do that. lol so is this a machine programmed with what someone thought was 'normal'

When I change Point Of View....I dn't put their names up on top or at the side, I put squiggle lines to show a change of scene or POV.

only our kind could hear as to warn --take out the word 'as'

Read this slowly, out loud and you will hear the mistakes, the missing words, or the words that don't quite fit.

"When they burn us to death, mother and father will not be there to console you in the afterlife because what you are doing is wrong," Ella snapped at me and went back to her room.--good hint at mystery, and...back up to her room. reinforce she came downstairs

It's late, I can't finish this right now, but if you want to go back over it, start your story sooner, with the parents getting killed and rework this, I'd be happy to do another critique. You have some intriguing stuff here, it can be more complete. This sounds like it would be a great novel if filled in and not so much just told to us.

JUst read it aloud and you will find little words missing and tenses changed. I guess they put the paranormal/fantasy in with the sci fi now. Also, you hinted at danger, or problems, but didn't deliver. this could be a lot better with a whole lot more filled in, the action etc. The place you stoppped sounded more like a chapter break.
love, LinnAnn


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Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Typing right on here, typos and mistakes happen. So type it on your computer in word, or XP if you have it. Then you can read it aloud and find all the little errors and typos. If YOU do your first edit, then you will get better reviews and more in depth ones. You have sentences with missing words.

You do have dialogue, that is great!

I recommend you get a copy of Writers Digest Desk Grammar Reference. You can check one out at your library, or used book stores. You can also buy one at half.com for a couple of dollars and about $5 postage. That will tell you about your punctuation.

Get rid of your first paragraph and put the neeced information into the body of your story. Do you know what it means to "Show don't tell?" If you were watching tv and only had a blank screen and some voice telling you the plot, would you be happy with that? When you are watching a show, do you want to see the action? Pull your reader in, give us something to hear, scenery, texture. Give us emotions so we can feel empathy with your heros, anger at your villians.

started on a bright summer day. My love, Rebecca, has been on a --You changed tenses..started-has been

I was worried that but --worried about that(,)but YOu switche between pilot and Rebecca, one topic per paragraph

I look at the caller ID---I look(ed) at

I asked with joy in my words.----Awkward, (is English not your native language?)My happiness at her call showed in my voice,

"I am the queen of your military's --giving hints of bad things to come is good. You put this out there, and then ruin the tension by the explanation that follows. Put the mutants at the beginning of the story, IN the story, as part of it and what is happening, the action.

If you go back over this and rewrite, correction the mistakes you can find, putting it in better chronological order, I will be happy to help you again. Go through what i commented on. You hve some good stuff here, lets make it even better.

love, LinnAnn

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Review of Revolution!  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (3.0)
You have a pretty good synopsis here. If you 'showed' not told us it could be a good story, albeit longer. Was this getting you ready to write a story or book? If this was meant to be a story, you need dialogue, scene description, and the senses.

Your first paragraph tells us the war was won, then in paragraph 5 you mention a war. Are you going back to the first war, or is there another one?

The struggle for independence was long and hard. No small amount of damage was done to the cities and to Mars itself, and many lives were lost, but in the end everyone agreed it had been worth it.----This alone could be half a book, show us the war, begginning , middle and end. If you were watching a movie, and all you had was a blank screen and a voice coming out of the speaker, would that satisfy you?

I have no idea what your world looks like, smells like etc.

Oh, finally having freedom of association, able to talk to anyone instead of just others from your own corporation block--Why was it this way? Were they originally conscripts, prisoners sent up to do their time working?

describe the sheer joy of being able to talk, really talk, to your next door neighbour ---why were they not allowed to ? Were there guards every few yards to stop them?

The war within a war, the parts stashing, all of that, was that the start of the war, or after the war and things didn't get back on track?

other plants were starting to down tools and demand independence---down tools? What does that mean?

the planet’s own precious regolith being booby-trapped with cunningly placed explosive--For those who flunked geology, you may want to use the 'mantlerock' instead of regolith. I had to look it up. lol I knew what mantlerock was...

Eventually, the Earth faction was cornered into the Earth landing bases, and given the choice of becoming Martian or returning to Earth. --Explaining the two factions would be good. I have no idea what you are talking about as you have't told or 'shown' us.

We look forward to continued trade with Earth, and welcome newly uploaded Virtual Humans who wish to embody in a newly developed Martian apparatus.---If they have all that technologies why upload virtual humans from computers on Earth? You could have told us at the beginning it as a synopsis of history or fake humans. Why would fake humans need that history? If they are using cmputers, they just put in the infor and get the output.

Just my suggestion, forget the last line and make the rest of it a story. You have some good stuff here, use it!
love, LinnAnn

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Review of Untitled  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Rachel, this has some powerful emotion in it.

I can be the smell you love, before the rain.---Several ines jumped out at me, this one did as well.

I can be what makes you want to love you.--This line I think is the one that caught me the most. What a wonderful thing, to help someone love themselves. I think that is the most nobelest of things a human can do for another.

love, LinnAnn

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Review of Will It Ever Be?  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Heck no! Never be content if you are striving for more. That is what gives us hope. That is also what writers groups are for, lol This is the first poem I've read all night that I understood.

Maybe it's because i am also a writer, but I understood the first verse totally. But think, all the greats have tons of rejection letters. JK Rowling got turned down by a LOT and look at her now!

We may have to work harder, we may have to pray that the economy doesn't kill the industry, but we must keep going. Even if it's only a reading at your local library, or to your children, grandshildren (or in my case my sons dog) we persevere.

see it in my mind--Get it out of there and onto paper! You an do it. The poem is good and shows talent, believe in yourself.

Love, LinnAnn

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