One * means add a space. Two ** means you have too many spaces between words.
My comments will be in bold black.
It had been many years since Arial had been to this area of Mississippi. She had lived in this rural community as a small child with her grandparents before her mother had remarried. She had rambled around in the wooded area surrounding ** her grandparents home.*She could explore to her heart's content.*She was careful as she waded (in the edge of –maybe ‘in the water at the edge of)the winding creek. She could spend hours in the limbs of the giant oak at the water's edge. She fished in the deepest part of what (was known-passive voice) as "the blue hole." If she tired of that, she could make mud pies and decorate them with stones and wildflowers. There was always an unlimited supply of things for a child to do. Grandmama had forbidden her to go to one place only, the old Dogwood Plantation home. (Could she be telling this to anyone so there is dialogue? Sharing good times she had as a kid with a friend would be good)
There were many who thought the old mansion to be haunted. She had heard in whispers(,) tales of the ghosts that resided there. Some claimed there was a child's spirit that (could be heard-passive) at times in the night. Many thought there had been an ill(-) fated love triangle leaving a young wife dead at her handsome husband's hand. No one seemed to know whether it had been an accident or cold(-) blooded murder. There were even tales of an occupant being a witch.
Grandmama always said it was most likely just folks adding to stories they didn't think were colorful enough. She admitted the people had** died under shady circumstances at the plantation, but didn't know the real cause of death. Grandmama's fears rested more around an open well and decaying buildings on the property. Grandma also knew there were seemingly no bounds to( her-verb confusion, you have two females in the sentence so ‘her’ should clarify) curiosity.
She was coming to visit with Grandmama a while at the nursing home she lived in now that she was unable to care for herself(you have 3 ‘shes’ in one sentence and two different females.-verb confusion. ‘I’m going to visit my grandma. She had a stroke and mom put her in a nursing home. I really miss her…etc). Her grandmother had always visited her and Mom in West Virginia until she recently had a stroke. Mom had come to take care of the initial move from the hospital to the nursing home. Now might be the perfect time to finally visit and explore the old home she had wondered about for years. (She had even dreamed about the house with the dreams occurring more often lately. They were beginning to haunt her daylight hours.—have her dream this and wake up in a sweat, get some tension going here, some premonition of what’s to come. Get us curious.)
Arial turned down a winding dirt road posted as being Dogwood Drive. As she did, the trees cast shadows on her car causing it to seem much later in the day than it actually was. The car (thermometer-had an n, spelled it) instantly dropped five degrees. Who would have thought tree shade could make such a difference?(Man it’s cooler, who would have thought a few trees could drop the temp so fast.)
As she approached the old house, she wondered how many families had occupied the home, what their lives had been like. She wondered if the stories of Lizzie were true. Lizzie (was supposedly gifted-passive) with an inner sight that allowed her to see into the world of the spirits, good and evil. (This would be good told with the action as it happened, told to a friend. ‘I was sitting with my mom on the front porch, and the ladies who came to visit told her Lizzie went into a trance and ….)
The first thing she noticed (about the house was the cracked-changed topic from lizzie to the house, clarified), peeling white paint that had covered the mansion built with heart-pine cut from the land it was built on by Caleb Mason himself. Many of the windows were cracked or broken from local kids throwing rocks at them.
As she got out of her vehicle, she noticed how the once beautiful lace curtains were in shreds simply from age.(How long has she been in the nursing home? Curtains fall apart from age, but it takes years) The front porch was sad with it's rotting rocking chairs still waiting for someone to occupy them. The swing hanging by one rusty chain seemed forlorn.
Arial's eyes widened as the planks of the porch groaned beneath her feet. (Sure are brave aren't you,-thoughts are often in italics to identify them as internal speech or esp speech) she thought as she reached for the door knob and twisted it. ‘What made me think the front door would be open?’ she said to herself as (when)she found it locked.
Not to (be deterred-passive voice), she made her way down the steps to the overgrown yard. It was a shame someone was not caring for the house and property. Perhaps she'd do more research on the past inhabitants and why no one still wanted the mansion.
At the bottom of the back doorsteps was an arbor with a metal gate preventing entrance. Arial picked up the chain and lock that threatened to disintegrate(In sea air, that would be about 10-20 years old) which held the gate together. The lock fell off in her hand giving her access to the back entrance.
Floral scents from a different time- Cape Jasmine mixed with fragrant old garden roses filled her nostrils. Someone had loved flowers and herbs. Perhaps Lizzie had grown them for medicinal purposes. There had also been talk of Lizzie's grandmother being Choctaw/Cherokee mix who had the gift too.(what does ‘the gift’ have to do with the fragrant flowers? Clarify)
(Why is she trespassing there?) Arial reached for the back door. The wind blew around the house blowing it open before she could grasp the (door knob-one word). ‘Strange’, she thought as she cautiously stepped inside the door.
Light instantly turned to midnight darkness within the creaking house. The door slammed behind her with a crash as if in a vacuum. With a deep intake of breath, Arial stood motionless willing herself to think. ‘I could surely find my way back to the door and leave. No, I've wondered about this house since I felt drawn to it as a child’*.She needed to see if the shadows of her dreams could be made clear by being here. ‘Stop being a baby’, she instructed herself.
A small voice in the darkness ** instructed her to repeat the words let there be light.(Don’t tell us, show us. –A small voice in the darkness said, “Repeat these words. ‘Let there be light.’”
"Let there be light," came out as a trembling sound from her mouth.
The second she did so the room became illuminated with lights from candles, sconces, and lamps on the floor, wall and furniture revealing a kitchen filled with an old woodburning stove, dishpans, a scarred and dented wooden table and cabinets filled with old china.(This sentence is too long and confusing. Here is my suggestion—The second she said the words, the room became illuminated with light from candles, sconces and lamps. The light reflected from the floor, wall and furniture revealed a crowded kitchen with an old wood burning stove, a scarred and dented wooden table piled with old dishpans and nearby stood a couple of cabinets. Ariel reached out, and opened one of the cabinets and saw they were filled with old china. Dust covered everything.) There was a pantry filled with empty mason jars to her left. –
Making her way through another door(going where? Outside, to mud room, a back bedroom?) she caught her breath as darkness again seemed to swallow her. She whispered, "Let there be light." A whisper was all she could muster. Nothing happened(;) the dark was thick and heavy. She couldn't see even inches in front of her.
Arial reached to pick up and light a candle lying on the table before stepping through the doorway on her right.(Arial picked up and lit a candle…) Faint as it was the candle's glow was a comfort.(good with the emotion) A cold draft encircled her as she stepped over the threshold extinguishing the candle.
With a catch in her voice(,) she repeated the words again. (I added these sentences together)"Let there be light." Only darkness filled the room. "Why didn't it work this time"(No quote marks, only apostrophe and make italics) she wondered, her mind going back only a few minutes previously.
A snicker came from deep in the darkness. A chill ran down her spine and her brain tingled. She wondered if this is what it meant for your hair to stand on end with fright. ‘It surely must be.’
(Give us a reason why she is staying in a haunted house)
Silence once again. Darkness all around. Not a( peep-peep is a sound- how about ..There was not a glimmer of light to (be found-passive voice). She reached out feeling all around her but found only empty space. She inched one foot forward. Nothing. She moved the other foot a little more. She crept along(,) feeling in front of herself, and gently sliding her feet until with a thud, she collided with something solid. As she bumped whatever it was in the darkness(,) some creature squealed and ran over her foot.
Arial heard her own scream echo back to her from the darkness. What had touched her? Was it a rat? Was it a cat, no it squealed different than a scared cat. Would it bite her? Why couldn't she find something to light that darned candle with she was clutching so tightly?
She felt a wisp of frigid air swirl around her and heard a whisper, "to the left."
(Since the other voice spoke and now it’s Arial, new paragraph is needed.)Arial stood frozen, so scared she could not breathe. "Breathe," she reminded herself. "It didn't harm me whatever it was.*
(New voice, new paragraph) "To the left," it said. What could be the harm...she reached to her left and felt a piece of furniture. Ever so slowly, she felt along the edge making out drawers with metal handles. She cautiously pulled one of the drawers open.(Why would she do that? Give us a reason. She already had tried to lite it) Nothing. She could feel nothing. She edged her fingers to the next drawer pull and tugged. The drawer would not open. It felt as if it had swelled and was too tightly wedged to open. One last pull...(maybe...one last yank)
Swoosh....something flew out of the drawer brushing up the side of her arm, neck and face...another scream echoed back to her. Yet, this time it seemed as if she'd heard two screams instead of one.
Terror held her spellbound, (nauseous). Breathe...Breathe...she silently coached herself. As her heartbeat began to slow down she wondered how long she had been inside the mansion. It couldn't have been more than a few minutes but it seemed like hours.
What to do now? Should she try another drawer? The voice had said she'd find something to light the candle with to her left, didn't it? The first voice was right, wasn't it? What if she were not alone in this room? Who could it be? She knew she had heard another voice besides her own scream...
(Finished this far) My bold didn't come through, sorry. You'll have to compare to yours
love, LinnAnn
 
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