I"m totally amazed at the way you chose to rhyme this poem! The rhyming words may be in the middle of a sentence, and you may have a sentence span two stanzas. Looks wise it works, but I had a hard time with the rythm not ending on the thyming word.
His explanation given, her scientist father
smiled and asked the girl, "Now do you
understand?" His wife said, "Why bother
answering her if afterwards she hasn't a clue
"what your explanation means? Honey, let
Mommy try to explain it. You know how
our backyard has lots of rose bushes, yet
there is still room for your swing set now?"
amazing choice of words to rhyme, NOT the same old predictable ones. Good for you!!
"If living things remained alive perpetually,
the demand upon the world's resources
would become overwhelming eventually;
so a vital balance our ecosystem enforces."
Your description says this is about abuse. I did see that through the tears and childs confusion. But as an abused chid, I think this could be a ot clearer on that.
I am vary confused,
And filled with great fear.--and you say it's not true, but I think you could make it clearer right here.
Unable to think,
That someone could love.
A person so useless,
That they are above. ---this line confused me
sences duress. --senses
I soon fall fast and deep in sleep,
My fears have been Alayed.
I now am sure of her pure love,
I no longer am afraid.
---This is too pat of an ending. Hurting him, and then saying the words, doesn't take away the pain and would never take away the pain. The yo-yo in emotions only makes a child totally stressed and always in doubt and afraid. They may learn to not show it.
I think there is some good stuff here, but I think it could be better if you show more of the reasons he is afraid. I sincerely hope it was not you who was abused.
love, LinnAnn
I realize you probably didn't think this way at all...but, lol your word choice made me think of labor!
ripple that breaks the smooth surface of a peaceful -- braxtonhicks contractions
sudden rainstorm, crashing with thunder and blinding with lightning;--stage three of labor
Your cherubs' face attacks my banded heart with a ferocity --this reminded me of when my first daughter came out, feet still in and she was yelling. Made my heart glw to know she was alive, and then kicking, lol
Like the leaves of autumn,--And she was born in October!
He screamed through the air, approaching his victim in total silence.--If it's screaming, it's not in total silence.
back with open arms--open wings? or just welcomed him back?
Very nice take on the 'lost sheep'.
The only thing that detracts from it is refering to the Master as the dark figure.
saw a dark figure coming
The dark figure approached
Since it's about Christ it just doesn't fit calling him 'dark' just my opinion. Other than these little things it's great. Have you thought of submitting it to a Christian Magazine?
love, LinnAnn
It's the beginning of a cute story! I"m not sure how old the boy is. To be left alone for so long makes it sound like he's a bit older, but he didn't know enough about words or amounts, so it made him sound like maybe a kindergartener. Maybe if he asked dad what he could do and dad suggests the movie it would be less like he's neglected, lol ON the other hand, I guess there are kids left alone that much so maybe it's fine. lol
Nice touch that dad helped him!
love, LinnAnn
Instead of telling us about her crying and why, 'show' us by working it into the story.
But everything changed until one day--Take out the word 'until'
that there is someone --that there was someone(tense)
She wondered and --what was she wondering?
was always smiling for Jesus has given --was smiling had given-tenses must agree
She has really turned --had has is present tense and turned is past tense
I appreciate your efforts. The only thing needed was tense agreement. Sweet story.
love, LinnAnn
Number one was okay.
Okay , so I'm a nut, but number trwo made me chuckle!
number three made me laugh out loud, and it wasn't cause it was after 1 a.m. roflol
number 4 rates too.
number 5 cracked me up as well.
number 6, I'd tell you 'thnk you very much'
number 7, I have 40 and 30 year old sons who would love to do that all day long, and when work gets rained out, they do just that.
number 8, last lline didn't ryme with lines one and two, but I totally understand needing the right word. I had to ask my writers group for help with that today.
number nine,..only if number ten was human and the eater was a cannibal? lol
you could put more effort into humber ten. get some sleep and let me know if you do lol
love, LinnAnn
Sweet poem. (I'm not sure what the time signifies or importance in first two lines) I wonder if the lines were changed a bit to reflect different pause places if it would flow and connect more? I added a few words, obviouslly you don't have to keep them, lol. I just thought it would be a bit more...complete? Please don't be offended, the're just suggestions.
love, LinnAnn
Teeth glisten white
at two in the afternoon.
Soft feet
feel the grass
between the toes.
Arms open wide
to be picked up.
A small voice
questions the world
and mimics
every movement.
The umbilical cord
now stretches
like a leash,
enough to explore
within sight
of mom or dad or uncle.
Rooms and yard
are childproofed,
all danger banished,
until the diapers are abandoned.
But at two,
each day is enjoyed
between the naps,
between dawn and dusk
days stretch
a lifetime
full of wonder.
, and now he returned to me as often as he could--in the flesh, to express that love and indulge our passion for each other.--you don tmention them getting married, and with the commandment to not fornicate...hmmmm
Very nicely done, other than the fact that I seriously doubt God would approve of thier sinning. lol
Good dialogue and description.
love, LinnAnn
The stars glistened like diamonds against the black canvas of night sky--nicely worded
Pure fear coursed through her veins-fear doesn't seem strong enough, I'd use terror.
grasped at the air--did you mean grasped or gasped?
Soon after the affects of his blood washed over her. Every cell in --the print here is so small I can't tell if you have a period making it an incomplete sentence, or a comma, as you have the next word capitalized.
a buoy knife in hand--this buoy is the kind that floats in the ocean. You mean Bowie, as in Jim Bowie who made it famous.
David’s fangs slid out passed his lips, --did he not turn her? she doesn' thave fangs? he just made her fall in love? But he made her strong, why wasn't he?
David easily dispatched of the first one--take out the word 'of'
I would like a bit more explanation in the story about the points I brought up and about his blood dripping into her to heal her? I thought vampires don't have blood anymore. And if the wolf drank her blood he should know he'd die from the effects of it.
Other than those items, this was a good read. You had good action, good dialogue, and pulled it all together quite well.
love, LinnAnn
Kara’s mind wandered to a simpler time, and she touched the window’s glass in reflection.- maybe 'as she touched' would lead into the next sentence when she goes back in time smoother?
Can you tell me a story, Daddy?”-need the begining quote marks.
You say she put the pillows on the sill, but if she is sleeping there, it must be a widow seat, or windo box.
Your last sentence threw me. “How could I have forgotten?”-Was that the grown up Kara or the child Kara?
I really liked this!! You handled the time shift well. Nicely done!
love, LinnAnn
I think to myself as I look into his eyes, ". --you just mentioned the step dad, need a transition phrase, or words, to let us know you are back to the uncle.
this is cute. I enjoyed reading this and feel there could be more if you care to expand this.
love, LinnAnn
This was incredibly cute! Your "Cybernetic Romance and Networking Organization, or CyRaNO ®," was so creative. I laughed when I saw it. and the 'sister' counterpart was genius. Your words to 'my favorite things' was a riot. I'm hopeless in math, and you putting those words to that song...again, shear genius!
love, LinnAnn
ps, I was looking for the rating box, and you didn't opt for it. Too bad, I'd give it a 5 and I've only given a handful of them. LP
I found this absolutely, positively adorable!! You had a good mix of narration, lots of dialogue and you did quite well at the child pov. Let me know if you post more here. I enjoyed this immensely and would like to read more of your work. I think this is only the 5th '5' I've given.
love, LinnAnn Pike
this was very moving. the rythm was a bit hard to figure out. It had good imagery and word choice seemed well chosen. If this was based on a real event, I'm so very sorry and wish you all the best. Again if this is from a real event, Bailey is o very lucky to have you to share the memories he will one day want to know about. I had no one to share memories with me, I hope you write them down in case something happens to you, as did to my parents.
love, LinnAnn
A very intersting poem,I enjoyed it, but I would change the line groupings a little bit to make your repetative lines more evenly spaced. some were four lines, some six. Or you mgiht want to put four lines of the poem in each stanza and ten end with your finishing two lines. In the end, it's your creation from your heart, so you may want to keep them the way you have them.
love, LinnAnn
I can't handle this
These words you say
Are making me
Turn away
You act like you know - -
Everything about me - -
It's making me
Turn away
What I hear from you
Is so cliche
It's making me
turn away
I'm not your audience - -
I don't want your show - -
You're making me
Turn away
I mute you out
I refuse to stay
You're making me
Turn away
Your commanding words - -
I misunderstand - -
You're making me
Turn away
This was delightful! You did well in your descriptions and showing the action. Dialogue was also well done! I have some suggestions below, mostly vocabulary choices.
(She had...)Golden brown hair, curly at the back, baby... --incomplete sentence
It wasn’t very long ago that she learned to walk,...--Was she a handicapped child to not walk until about 2 years late? If not, you might want to take out the time frame.
at the gym doing her working....-doing her workout? or did she have a job there?
her face inhabiting a smile...-This means her face lived on the smile. You may want a different word, 'radiating?"
juggling his eyes between them. ..--You cracked me up, I had a mental picture of his eyes juggling in a circle with his hands. Maybe 'alternating' would work better?
tears from her eyes that strew down her face....-Strew means to throw, maybe 'streamed' down his face?
acerbic acid which --do you mean ascorbic acid? There are some little typos, but mostly I was wondering why you didn't finish the story? There could be dialogue to make it more inviting to the reader. "Show don't tell" is a valid thing. Dialogue makes it more real, and showing us the action is better than just telling us about it. Come on back and tidy it up, Give us the action and an ending.
love, LinnAnn
OKay, you crackec me up!!! I was not expecting that ending at all. I loved it through and through. Great going. If you have moreon this site, let me know. this is only the 4th 5 rating I've given.
love, LinnAnn
I really liked this poem. It's well thought out and obviously you put great thought to your choice of words, and rhyms. the only spot I found puzzling was the following line-
Soulful, they’re ready to take action!
I've always seen soulful used as a pondering, thoughtful, deep type of word. So when I read it with taking action, it didn't seem to fit. Other than that, wonderful!1 I'm glad I went deeper than the fist couple of pages and found your poem. It as worth the effort.
love, LinnAnn
Baseball can be so much fun,
Well until the seasom is done.---season's done (flows better with contraction)
You hit the ball so far,--hit the ball ho so far- (needed another sylllable)
so far that it hits the tar.--I don't get what you mean by tar
You run around the bases,
just like you are in some races.--the plural dosn't fit,(smiling at all the faces?)
When you get to home plate,--when you round toward home plate
you will never forget that date.--you'll never forget that date (cuts out one syllable)
this is a cute poem, just needed a tiny bit of work, I've only offered suggestions, it's all your's not mine, lol
love, LinnAnn
I really loved this piece!!!. It was so well metered, and choice of words were great. the only part that didn't click was the following line...
Leaving on slumbered stream...
I wasn't sure what you meant by slumbered stream, I was totally expecting the word 'dream' as it's the only place we can go to half recapture heaven.
You did oh so well. this is the only time I've given a full 5 points.
love, LinnAnn
Yes it's cute, and yest it made me smile. Keep the L's. I think switching to w's might lose some people. I had to read it twice to get that he was born in October as was Nana.
My brudder Logan loves me (taking out the big cuts a syllable, it's implied he is older)
But now that we're four,--I think the rythm would work better if you say....
now that we are four. It sycopates better.
With my dark hair ...
this Halloween.
I think these lines, both, need more syllables, the first lines of the first three verses have 7-8 syllables...maybe even one or two more...? cause this doublet only has 4
with my soft, curly? dark hair (or straight, or wavy, whichever fits)
on my first Halloween
Since this is a bit back in pages, I hope you see this. I loved it.
love, LinnAnn
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