It's bery hard for eyes to track on paragraphs this long. Also, have you heard of 'show not tell'? As much as you can, try working a whole bunch of narrative into action and dialogue. Can your main character tell some of his background to a new 'parishoner'?
You could start with him preparing the evening to propose, and her call. That then works us right into the depression and suicide thoughts.
Eureka 9.--I take it this is a city on foreign soil or in the future, or you are on a different planet? you may want to sneak it in so people know for sure. The worse thing is to have something that drabs your reader out of the plot and world you so carefully create. Later you say..."where ever “here” is any way" . If you don't know where our character is, how do we? lol
to commune with the long dead spirit of Sengo Muramasa in Japan, --Put all the part about him and the sword smithing into dialogue with the spirit.
But I’ve been able to commune with spirits… even long before… she left. *sigh*---take out the dots between spirits and even--spirits even long before she ...left, sigh. put the pause before the punch line as such, 'left' so it is more powerful.
My door is wide open --You just told us this, so take this second time out.\\
The ice in both glasses has long since melted--If it's a wind that is not chilled in a bucket, then you might want to name the wine. A lot of wines, if not most or all, you do not water down with ice. I no longer drink, but i've never had wine that was chilled with the ice in the glass.
But I decide better on suicide.--You say this after talking about nameing the sword, are you saying you've renamed it? if so the Suicide should be capitalized. If not then you need a transition sentence to introduce the part of him making that decision.
Which I have long given up on drinking--how about --"Which I gave up long ago"
all an act for two things… They were money and power--to make it mroe powerful try this--'for two things, money and power.' That's shorter and punchier.
So I grab a smoke from the nearby cigarette pack --Since you end up not smoking it, you may want to say "I grabe for a smoke' thas shows us you reaching but not smoking. You can also put in dialogue here."Hang it all, I wanted a smoke!" show the frustration.
I’ll save it for when I really need it. I light it and take a slow puff. --First you tell us that you will save it, then you show us you are puffing, and a 'slow drag' is better image than a slow puff. Puffs are little so not slow, just quick tiny puffs.
S now --If you meant to leave out the 'o' in so, then put in an apostrophe-- S'now
The other six were used to--You might consider putting 'the other six months were used to"...
I get to the second paragraph and then find out your "on a plane to Japan to begin training under Muramasa" is alive. You made him sound like you were a ghost cause you lumped him in with your spirits. Then you make it sound like ti's the swords named Muramasa, I"m totally confused hun!
When you tell us you leave two swords behind, and take two, you should tell us then who gets holy, who gets evil etc.
was the beginning of a rape and often-times murder. I can tell it’s a woman because of the pitch of the person’s voice--Put identifying the sex of victim first, then tell us you SEE it's a rape in progress. Have him tell us he hears her scream, tell us how he feels when he sees the gun to her head, and telling us it's too late, made me think he'd done it and left. might want to reword that.
How young was she, 15, 20, 30ish? How can you tell if her hair is silver?
has a gun to her head. He told me --Go back and make sure your tenses all agree.
even more brilliant blue. Which is quite harsh--You make it soundlike her eye color is a bad thing, harsh.
Your subject matter is the bad guy an dhis act, then you put in this....Let alone anyone else I saw abou to be raped for that matter-- Not quite needed yet.
Now this guy was new to crime--maybe new to murder. but people work up to murder usually, so rape he has probably done, just the murder is new.
So I tried talking it out---don't tell me,, show me with a scene and dialogue!
option I always try to avoid, murder.--murder is killing an innocent, but this is either self defense or defending an innocent.
The second was to kill him where he laid. --You might add 'and save other women he would try to rape and kill. or kill him where he laid and put him and his victims out of their misery. I'm sure you can come up with something a bit stronger, and still leave them hanging with you last sentence, Which is a great ending by the way
I have no idea what the girl is all about and the suicide. it doesn't seem to have anything to do with your story and your 'made my decision' doesn't lead us back to him laying there smoking or thinking about suicide. you did go back in time to tell us about the swords etc. right? And your title 'A Moonlit Memory" , If you mentioned the moonlight, I missed it. sorry
I highly recommend you going back and working some more on this. You have the makings fo a good short short or flash fiction. Hang in there. If you do emend this, let me know if you want me to critique it again. I'd like to see what you do with it.
love, LlinnAnn |
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| (3.5)
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