You have an interesting bit here, I have made some suggestions and comments for you to consider. I think it would be nice if you started sooner and let us know why he is doing this. What set him off? Maybe he could be tgalking to himself or even earlier to whoever gave him the potion?
to kill and with a bundle of blankets, I set off towards--comma
Had it not been for the concealed passageway hidden beneath the daunting gargoyle, I might not have made it---You don't say why? it's still a climb, so there must be another reason?
, for my mind was wandering out of my bod--Was he truly having an out of body experience or were you meaning something else?
, I noticed the foolish vigilar, asleep at the entrance --This word vigilar isn not in my dictionary. maybe...I notice dthe foolish guard lacking in vigilance?
a stormy, cloudy night, --This is considered a no no. Too similar to 'it was a dark and stormy night' which is considered a cliche opening
lurking through the open window.--I do however like this part of the sentence, lurking is good! lol
her bed, barely breathing--sounds like she is already nearly dead. You may want to state "her chest hardly moved as if she were barely breathing
order to eradicate those too close to perfection --so your opening 'she was too close to perfection' lays the premis that because she is too close she has to die?
first blanket landed with a thud on her head--that is one heavy blanket!!
. “Que haces aqui?”--You use Spanish here, but earlier you used Canadian or Europian spelling in your narrative. her pristine (splendour)
“It is nothing mi princesa, go back to sleep,” --you speak half in English and half Spanish, if she is Spanish, you may want to make it in Spanish for her, and then again in English for your reader But--Reassuring someone you are killing that it's okay while you kill her doesn't work for me, lol Unless you make it totally clear that he is nuts
atop her head, covering her face, her lips.--they were already covered, so you may want to say you add the extra one to muffle her screams
She was struggling to breathe now, as I restrained --take out the 'now' as she was struggling the whole time I'm sure.
The next blanket came down fiercely and she was buried beneath its mass, -- It doesn't take three to suffocate someone
She let out a bloodcurdling scream of fury.--put thtat sooner where she was stuggling to breath, other wise she will already not have air and couldn't scream
Hush my dear, I am doing this for your own good, but alas, you are too naive to understand.” --okay this added to the previouse deffinately tells us he is totally bonkers
After a great many interminable minutes--you only get one set of interminable minutes, not breathing she could only last about 3 minutes or less, especially struggling.
her chest rose and she uttered through her teeth with her last breath, the sound muffled by the impenetrable blankets.--her chest would not raise with breath as she should be nearly dead by now and she would not be able to speak the lines you have for her.--“My father will have revenge! You will never sleep in peace until the day of your death!”--she has been oxygen deprived for 'minutes' as you said, she would hve to say this much earlier. And since you said the blankets were impenetrable, she CAN'T get air.
I backed away trembling with a deep satisfaction--she just spoke forcefully so is not dead yet
blankets lay still and flat as stone --they can't lay flat as she is under them
the smell of death already audible to my pulsing nostrils. --audible means hearable, he is not listening with his nose. how aout already reeking to my sensitive nostrils. I can't figure out why of how his nose is pulsing.
Why does she stink already? That usually takes a few days.
A celestial glow seemed to be escaping---This is a nice touch!! creepy in an interesting way.
They were after me with pitchforks--She was found very quickly!
off the evil beings--ther is something there more evil than he is?
Be gone you wicked demonios--again half in English and half in Spanish. I know it's hard to incorporate both languages I've done it and it took a couple of critiques for me to get it good enough.
the staccato of my voice --staccato if a musical term 'abrupt tones,' like when singing and punching each note a bit
. Eyes reeling in shock, --what shocked him? do you mean terror? amd eyes don't usually reel, like stagering back and forth, but they can be"opened wide in terror. Or eyes jerking back and forth loking for the demons. just suggestions
They could not possibly be already aware of the murder,they must be or why are they chasing him?
. It would be my last defence, --defense
not at the mercy of her father and his pack. --I don' tthink they'd be merciful how about-not at the vengeful hands
the merciful vial which I found --comma after vial
why didn't he take it while they were still a long way away?
my darling’s earlier predicament--if he consideres it something that is going to save him, it's not a predicament like she was in, ...deep slumber as I had left my sweetheart in. (again just a suggestion)
perishing at once in a final spasm of pain.--it would still take at least one minute to get to stomache and work
but I would like you to consider, would you be able to dig in a pocket , uncork and drink the potion whele people are stabbing you with pitchforkds and beating on you?
I hope you continue to work on this. Keep on!
love, LinnAnn
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