Another excellent poem about these horrible events. It's hard to imagine being so selfish as to ruin a child or a childhood. But that's exactly what these men do...
Thanks again for sharing your pain. It helps us to vent about life's unfairness. It also could help others.
Blessings,
Kenzie
"We do not correct a piece of writing; in doing so, we question a life." William Stafford
Hey, Meggy, I may be an old lady, but I understand about being different. Back in the dinosaur age, my group of friends was called the "too by too's." Some were too fat, some too thin, some too smart, some too dumb. And, heaven forbid, we dressed as we pleased, not as necessarily like everyone else. We formed our own group of misfits. That was long ago, and today it doesn't matter at all. Except that we can all laugh about it now.
Remember...you have lots of friends here - of all ages and sizes and from all over the world, if you want!
I would suggest:
Spacing between paragraphs to make it easier to read.
I've been praying for your mom spidey since I heard about this and stepped up the praying this morning, knowing that surgery was about to happen. I pray all goes well for your mom and your uncle. Do let us know about their progress.
I don't know about that first MTV video (my son probably does), but I'm with you. Putting pen to paper is different than pressing keys on a keyboard. And I think it's something we are losing fast. You said it well.
Good story. And certainly good lesson. I wonder about the doctor sitting in another doctor's waiting room, though. Somehow, I imagine them sneaking in the back door so they don't have to sit with the "regular" folks.
Yes, indeed, we really don't know how much something we do or don't do will affect others.
This is a horrible story, one repeated far too many times in the lives of women (and some men) throughout the world. But you told it well. The dialogue is certainly real. And the unreasonable requests and expectations and rantings of the man involved.
These kinds of stories need to be shared again and again, so that people involved in such relationships know that they are not alone. They need to see themselves as others see them. And they need to know that there is help available.
What a wonderful story. Yes, you've had problems and trials, but that you have the joy of the Lord and can share it with others is fantastic.
You also have quite a blessing in Jasmine, I think. Every Down's Syndrome child/adult I've ever met has shown me things I never would have seen on my own.
Some suggestions:
I would put spaces between paragraphs to make it easier to read.
Also:
take for granite (granted)
had went under (either went under or had gone under)
I like it! Cute, funny, simple - just like kids like. And the repetition is good too.
The only thing I might suggest is something more creative for the title. Something more fun and silly. Just a thought. (Like Fill 'er up...or something similar.)
Good story. Well organized. Not long, but long enough to do the job.
The first line got my mind to thinking, remembering friends with that very fear. You progressed well through your childhood years, explaining the use of the closet as you grew.
Loved the last line too. "Mostly an adult," probably describes many...
A well written - and funny - explanation of why you don't do Thanksgiving. The history part is really funny, and partially true too!
It's sad, though, that Thanksgiving celebrations have become just as you described your own family's.
Families don't mingle much anymore, and when you've lived in Florida, that's pretty obvious. It's sad to see so many older folks escaping there, and dying alone because their families are all fighting or ignorning them. (And then having family members rush to Florida to pick through their mobile homes and their Home Shopping purchases. Many are addicted just so they can see the UPS man every day.)
Welcome to Writing.com. This is pretty great for someone only eight years old. I'm impressed.
I only have a few suggestions.
"Out loud" should be two words. Or you could use "aloud."
Since most lines begin with an action verb, I would change the second line which starts with "have." Perhaps something like ...Love friends and neighbors.
How about...Renew love by giving (instead of buying presents)
And the last line how about...Behave for Santa.
Just some suggestions. We're glad you've joined us here at Writing.com. I can't wait to read more of your writings.
What a story. It's well written, and it does tell of the kind of world in which we live - where people live paycheck to paycheck. I've watched as people spend so much of their paychecks on lottery tickets too, hoping to beat the odds. What an ending...
It's a great idea to list your blessings each day. Oprah used to say that she listed 10 things for which she was thankful each night before she went to bed. That's a great way to remain thankful, even when times are tough.
You've done a good job listing your blessings. I'll bet you could find 20 blessings now that you've given it more thought. I also might consider putting the definition of a blessing on your page as well.
Blessings,
Kenzie
I'm So Thankful! (E) Have you ever taken the time to list all things for which you are thankful? #295725 by Kenzie
I found this on the public review page and had to take a peek. I love titles, and this one intrigued me.
Since this was written months ago, I imagine your confusion is something long settled. I'll be sure to check more of your portfolio. You did well, though, telling about that initial confusion of the site and writing in general.
Well done, Dystopia. Another reviewer pointed out that the book about Santa is 'Twas The Night Before Christmas. Other than that, I have no suggestions.
Thanks for sharing.
Blessings,
Kenzie
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Good job. Some lines perhaps don't flow as well as the others, but still it's a good poem. And a good reminder too, that we all do need others sometimes.
For some reason, this rememded me of my best friend way back in elementary school. Her leg was broken so badly, that she had to be carried up and down the stairs. I remember how she hated that.
Hmmm. The writing is okay, and I know this is supposed to be funny. But...I guess no matter how many times I have to help my parents and other relatives with electronic devices, I would never talk/write to them this way. Or use such language. Perhaps it's the difference in our generations.
Here's something needing changing:
Won’t you please think of my liver and no abuse these?
(should be not?)
Good response to the question. Interesting items you reviewed bringing along. Perhaps if the FM radio was a nice boom-box, you could even give it to the gang kids and buy some time/life.
You're right, though. Attitude is important in all situations.
Thanks for sharing.
Blessings,
Kenzie
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