Interesting write Gwyneth. I found no glaring mistakes. But I am curious. You wrote this on the eve of your 18th birthday, but that was last year. Have you continued to allow yourself to do what others might consider childish? Like coloring if you want to color? Or watching bees and being enthralled?
Hope so. I still love to sit on the ground and watch the ants.
This is good. Written just as the thoughts would have tumbled out one stood in a check-out line and had such an encounter. There were some sentence fragments, of course. But that's how our minds think.
Thanks for sharing. You've offered insight and wisdom about some matters that should be brought out more than they are. Others can be helped by such writings.
What a wonderful portrait of your son and a glimpse of what it's like to be the parent of an autistic child. He's lucky to have such great parents!
My niece has been babysitting an autistic child for the past 2 years - more like a mother's helper for the first year or so. Giving the parent's some down time was all she managed for a while. Then the little girl bonded with her and they started learning from each other. Shannon is now 16. She's been great with her charge and has decided to pursue working with autistic kids as her career.
It wasn't until my own son was almost through high school (home school - since he was "different") that we discovered he probably had Asperger's - a "mild form of autism." It would have helped if we'd known that years before!
I think you did very well expressing the sorrow and other feelings of one in depression.
I like how you asked the questions about each of the senses. People who have not experienced depression or who have not been close to one who has might not realize all of these are affected in the malady.
I hope you're not experiencing these feelings...since you're here among good friends who care!
Good job. Loved the repetition. You've captured the little girl well, too, with excellent word crafting.
Sadly, you've also captured one of the strange events of our times. I could not have imagined seeing the faces of kids on milk cartons when I was a young person. Or not being able to play in one's own yard without fear.
Perhaps a bit harsh as the Contrasting Perspectives points out.
I think what's worse than a description reading, "please review" is one that says, "I know this stinks, but..." or "you're gonna hate this one."
I always wonder about a writer who posts something and admits that he/she thinks it's bad.
And about changing one's writing - I think The StoryMaster had some interesting thoughts in one of his articles about how to handle negative reviews. It is still our writing, no matter what suggestions others might give to change it. I don't think that sticking with what one has written is necessarily ignoring readers as it is being true to oneself...sometimes. (But not when it's about grammar or spelling and such.)
Some good points. I also think that people who are not poets but enjoy a poem can say so in a review and be encouraging. Those who consider themselves poets can better give constructive criticisms. Either should be able to give suggestions about spelling.
Personally, I think reviews that take up so much space by using too much WritingML are not professional at all. But...that's just my opinion. (When I see long reviews in the public review section, I hardly glance at them. Truly. 2,000 characters for a review?)
Beautiful. It's a great story poem. As I read it aloud, I enjoyed both the rhythm and the rhyme. And...I even thought I was smelling those pies in the kitchen.
(I'm betting your kitchen would be just as warm and comfy. )
Good for you. An article like this should appear in newspapers all over the country periodically to remind people how important it is to visit the elderly. Even those still living at home.
My own grandmother was in a home for 8 years and we visited at least every week. But there was one woman who had been in the home for 20 years and had never had a single visitor. Even as a young person, I knew that was wrong!
One suggestion:
In the following paragraphs, I am going to list some experiences I have witnessed as a caregiver that demonstrate what I am talking about.
I think I'd try to reword this so it didn't end in "about."
This is a wonderful beginning. I think it's important that we know that people who have succeeded (and that doesn't necessarily mean financially), may not have been "perfect people." It's important that we understand that lots of people have struggles - of some kind.
I can't wait to see what happens as you build upon this one. I'm putting it in my favorites folder.
This is a wonderful beginning. I think it's important that we know that people who have succeeded (and that doesn't necessarily mean financially), may not have been "perfect people." It's important that we understand that lots of people have struggles - of some kind.
I can't wait to see what happens as you build upon this one. I'm putting it in my favorites folder.
The title, then the description drew me in. I'm glad you included the words to the Otis Redding tune at the bottom of the page...although now THAT song is in my head and won't go away!
I've been reading about what famous and often published poets think about poetry.
Nikki Grimes said of poetry, "Poetry is a literature of brushstrokes. The poet uses a few choice words, placed just so, to paint a picture, evoke an emotion, or capture a moment in time, often though not always with the measured use of rhyme."
Amen! Thanks for sharing and for witnessing. And welcome to Writing.com.
I know what you mean about folks questioning whether a 7 year old child can really be saved. That's how old I was too when I asked Jesus to be my Savior.
Like you, I know I it was the Holy Spirit leading me.
And, like you, there were some hard times in life before and after. I guess God knew we were in for some rough times...
This is quite a poem. Really good for a first poem. Because of its content, though, and what is implied but not really said, I would suggest a higher content rating.
Abuse is certainly something about which we need to keep writing. Women (and men) need to know that abuse is not something to hide, nor something they have to continue enduring.
This is a perfect prayer of an abused child. Thanks for sharing.
We need to continue to write about abuse - in poetry and in fictional and real life stories. The only way for victims to be armed is to know that others have survived. And that there are "angels" out there ready to help.
Excellent! You've described our world beautifully, and rhymed it well too. In my mind, when something makes me smile, makes me say, "Yes!" it deserves a 5. Perfection? To me, perfection is what makes me want to read more. (It doesn't really have to be perfect. There can even be mistakes, heaven forbid. But it it makes me long to read more, then it's perfect! Just thought I'd explain the 5...)
One of my sources suggested that "a flutter" should be a-flutter.
I find it hard to be really critical of poems or stories with the message of Christ's love. You're comparison of hands - a child's, one with a bit more work and experience, and those of Jesus, nail-scarred - is good.
I love it! What a wonderful eye witness. Good for you for thinking of having her tell the story.
Personally, I think when we write emotional pieces, our best work comes almost immediately. We may need a few minor adjustments, but if we really try editing an emotional piece, then we lose some of the impact. My opinion.
Anyway, there is one line where the formatting isn't right.
Good job. I think we'll all remember where we were and what we were doing that day. I was the first to arrive at in the newsroom of the local newspaper where I worked.
Anyway, back to your writing. It's been a long time ago since I studied Spanish, so I can't review that.
One suggestion:
The import of what my wife was trying to tell me finally sank in and I found myself pining for the days when the words dying, Americans, and Las Torres simply meant a tourist had journeyed to far from the relative safety of Revolution Boulevard in Tijuana, Mexico. Should be, "too far from..."
Thanks for sharing.
Blessings,
Kenzie
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