I wonder, at the beginning where you have 2 verses starting with My heart...and having 4 lines, if the next verse might need a 4th line too.
My heart,
feels the loss
he has suffered
(Maybe
My heart
feels the heartbreak
he has suffered
with this loss)
Just a thought.
Anyway, welcome to Writing.com. You bio says you're homeschooling your kids. Good for you! My son was homeschooled from 4th through 12th grade. What a job that is!
Hope you've arranged for your kids to write here too. I'd be glad to read their work....
What interesting thoughts/opinions. I'm one of many women, though, who enjoy flowers from afar, but cannot understand wanting them arranged throughout the house. They die there! (Besides, the cost is outrageous and could be spent on more practical things.)
I'm glad I read this one, though. Certainly food for thought.
Welcome to the Writing.com family. This poem is pretty good, but I noticed as I read it aloud that there were places where I would have broken the lines differently to make it flow better. As it's written, the lines have between 3 and 13 syllables.
Hey, good job. Making a PB & J sandwich isn'g easy to explain, is it? I used to use making PB & J sandwiches in "training the trainer" classes. One group would demonstrate only - no words. Another would use words only. Third group would use words and actions.
Hmmm. I think poetry is like abstract art. Some appeals to some folks, others appeal to other folks. Not every poem (or story for that matter) is going to appeal to everyone.
The thing is...if you're a good writer/poet and try writing a bad one, it still comes out pretty good. Ever notice? It's like great singers trying to sing badly.
Hmmm. Interesting story poem. I do think you need to read it aloud to adjust the length of some of the lines.
I guess the story part just emphasizes some of society's problems. Falling in love that quickly? Hiding single parenthood? Questioning a single parent's motives or priorities?
Anyway...definitely interesting.
Welcome to the Writing.com family, by the way. I look forward to reading more of your work. Give a yell if you need any help.
Yes, I have to agree. While I can understand doing good deeds anonymously, if one is offering one's "wisdom" in the form of criticism, one should certainly do so proudly and not cowardly. There are certainly those who will object to any criticism, and maybe anonymous is hiding because of that. But, like you, I've discovered anonymous likes mostly to offer unkind and snide remarks when criticizing. I suggest just ignorning nasty anonymous reviews. After all, we cannot check the profile of such a person. And they may not be qualified at all to offer such advice.
BTW, there are 2 places, I think, where I might change sentences so they didn't end in "to" and "with." Hmmm. One might have been a phrase that ended with "with." Is that confusing enough?
Amen! I agree wholeheartedly. When I look at public reviews, sometimes I just cry for the poet whose works have been torn apart and put back together again, looking nothing like the original "work of heart." I usually liken poems to abstract art. Their meanings may be obvious to some and not to others.
It also makes me cringe when someone states categorically that poetry should not be trite or should never use slang or cliches. Who said? You're right. Poetry does come from the soul, and when we attack poetry, I think we're attacking the very being of a person.
I write in many forms, but most of my best writings just come tumbling out, with my fingers typing quickly to keep up with my brain. When that happens, I look back when the writing (story or poem) is finished and just say, "Ah." I'm satisfied, and quite frankly, except for corrections in spelling or grammar, I probably won't change what "feels right" to me. As you aptly pointed out, it is my baby.
The only thing I might change about this one is to think of a way to not end this sentence with "at."
Some you will like; some you will wrinkle your nose at.
I have to agree with lifewriter on this one. It shouldn't be classified as a children's story.
Even though this might actually happen in our children's world, as parents we want our children to read things just a bit better than their real world. That's why, when I was a kid, Dick and Jane were the books used to help us learn to read. That's why our parents pushed us to read Trixie Beldon and classics, rather than comic books.
Also, to me, having the teacher use "gonna" instead of "going to" just didn't ring true.
Horray Winklett. What an awesome idea - to recognize those who go about being kind and recognizing others. Seems that there's a circle of love forming here. We're passing it on...just as it should be.
Your description says it all...
"For those whose kindness is richly apparent and sincerely admired."
Thanks for posting this. We need to be reminded of the kindness of others. (Our world seems to be so unkind. It's nice to have this corner of the world that is just a bit different.)
This is both good...and sad. I think we've all felt that same feeling of losing a friendship or love, and of feeling betrayed. You've said this well. Often the disappointment of not having someone close with whom to share our inner selves is what hurts most.
Good poem. No wonder you were one of the winners. I like this. But as I read, I kept thinking, "This is what family SHOULD BE. Not necessarily what it is." Guess that's because my family only criticizes, never helps. Friends and strangers are more help than family in my book. Maybe they're the real family...
Wow, what a story. Perfectly told, I think. I wanted to cry and laugh at the same times as the jilted bride. No wonder you got an awardicon for this one. It was well deserved.
Thanks for sharing. You're right. This is not what I would call an ideal vacation.
Wow, what a story. Perfectly told, I think. I wanted to cry and laugh at the same times as the jilted bride. No wonder you got an awardicon for this one. It was well deserved.
More good writing and good thoughts. I think much is wrong with our public school system. Not only are we not developing tomorrow's leaders, we're not even encouraging young people to love learning.
We're not making them responsible for their own actions or inaction. Parents are leaving education up to the schools. I don't even think there are PTA or PTO's in our area anymore. There just isn't enough interest. Or parents claim they are just to busy to be involved.
Yes, funerals can certainly be funny. We could just set up tape recorders to say those same things that people always say.
And you're right. Real friends are the ones who show up after it's all over and everyone else has disappeared after saying, "Let me know if there's anything I can do..."
You write well. I'm just not sure I agree with everything you have to say.
About airport security... I had a friend who worked for an airlines at the gate. The computer selected many of those who were to be searched, based upon certain criteria - like when and how the ticket was purchased. The computer doesn't know the race or age of the purchaser, just when and how. And there are some things that just trigger searching.
Beyond those computer selected searches, the airline personnel were also required to search 10% of the passengers and to select them randomly. If they didn't, they could be fined $11,000. And you know what? If you were a terrorist who thought that senior citizens and children would never be searched...wouldn't you think about using them? Think about it.
And news people? Frankly, I think sometimes we show too much about what's going on. Everything that we saw on CNN news is/was available for our "enemies" to see too. We should have investigative reporters showing them even more? I don't think so.
You always write well and make us think. For that, I thank you.
Good for you. You've explained yourself rather well, and have done it to "near perfection" - thus the 5. You're right. Many have written about this. Many have explained their rating systems. But it's always nice to find out why another reviews as he/she does.
Like you, I've encountered many who rave about how wonderful something I've written was, then give it 4.5. I've even received glowing reviews from some who then give a 4 rating or even a 3.5. Depending on the mood I'm in, I might respond asking what could be improved.
Perfection, like beauty, must be in the eye of the beholder. I find much "near perfection" here. Besides, there are plenty of folks willing to attack other writers and even get ugly in their public reviews. I prefer being an encourager. And if something is REALLY bad, I prefer making suggestions in private.
Amen. Kindness is certainly the answer to so many of the world's problems. Jesus told us that loving God and loving our neighbor were the most important things. Loving them means we'll honor and respect them.
You're right. Even in the midst of problems, we all have blessings...if we'll just look around to see them.
Blessings,
Kenzie
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