Dear Summer Wind,
I am reviewing this story at your request. I am always happy to help someone with a review, even happier to be chosen by that person as a reviewer of something they wrote. I apologize for not keeping my word, and getting to it the day I said I would.
This is a really good story about an angel intervening at a McDonald's during a hostage situation. It is original in it's idea; I loved the idea of an angel being there when all this occurred, and of course, I'm sure this was part of a larger plan. I think one of the biggest questions I had as I read this, was why would someone with a fully automatic machine gun do this in a McDonalds? Maybe it was a small enough crowd that he felt he could control, or maybe he was just a really small time hood and couldn't imagine anything larger, or maybe he wasn't all that bad as a person (hence his second chance at the end of the story), and something had happened that caused him to snap. Either way, McDonalds seemed a strange place for this to occur. My specific comments are detailed below.
Title: Excellent for this story.
Description: First, a description should entice a reader to read your story. You have labeled your story as 'Other', which then requires you to tell us that it's a story. You state, "This story is about" in your description. That's twenty precious characters you could use to describe this. I think you should edit this a little. At the top, the third field down in the 'list' when you create an item is 'Static Item'; it is there you can select what this is. Choose short story. Now when a reader visits your port, they'll see this next to the story, and already know that it's a short story. This saves those precious twenty characters for you to use in describing it. I think this might work for you. "In a hostage crisis, an intervention occurs and Will's soul is saved from damnation." (Eighty Five characters)
Grammar: Your grammar usage was very good, I noticed no errors.
Rough spots?:
1. " Why aren't you moving?” In several places you have a space between quotation marks and the line being quoted. I've used this one as an example.
2. He cocked his head to one side and answered softly” are you addressing me?” Again that space between the quotation marks and the word, but you need a comma after softly, and 'are' should be capitalized.
3. He smoothed his white suit carefully and walked leisurely over to the place where the thug was standing and looked directly into his eyes and whispered.
“Be careful Will, you do not know who you are dealing with, and what I am capable of.” Multiple uses of 'and' in a sentence detracts from the read. This is easily fixed, an example is, "He smoothed his white suit carefully and walked leisurely over to the the thug. Looking directly in his eyes he whispered,
“Be careful Will, you do not know who you are dealing with, or what I am capable of.” Notice that this line also seems to have a hard return in it, making the man in white's response appears on a separate line from the rest. You may want to look at that also.
4. "My name is Median" the man answered quietly In this line here, he's not so much as answering, (he did that in the line before when he told Will he knew all about him. I would change answered to continued.
5. He had grown impatient with this ruffian. I think this could be worded a little better. The reason I say this, is how do you know he had grown impatient with him? You might want to change this to read, He seemed to have grown impatient with this ruffian.
6. “let Will down, and tell the people to get up off the floor and leave this place immediately! Let should be capitalized.
7. The people got up off the floor, as if in a trance and peacefully left the restaurant one by one as if nothing had ever happened. All through this story, you've told it from the first person point of view, but now you switch to the third person point of view. It's easy to change this, and say, "We all got up from the floor, I had no control over myself, as if I was in a trance, it seemed as if everyone else was too, for we immediately left McDonald's." But the issue is, if you peacefully left McDonald's as if nothing had ever happened, how do you know what happened afterwards when Will soul is saved? I hate to say it, but this is probably told better from a third person point of view throughout. Instead of saying "I" at the start, give yourself a name, and tell it as if you're watching it all occur. This way, you can describe what happens after everyone leaves.
8. In reading stories on line, it's better if you have a double space between your sentences. You already have a blank line between your paragraphs, another good thing to do, this extra space between sentences really helps separate them, lending itself to a more enjoyable read.
Overall Impressions: A very good story about an intervention during a hostage crisis that ends with a chance for a new start in life. Well done!
Sum1
** Image ID #1795794 Unavailable ** |
| (4.5)
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