Andrew,
I found this story on the newbie page, and see you are very new to Writing.com, or WDC as we affectionately call it. Welcome! Hopefully you'll make this a second home, like so many of us have done. There are many ways to get questions answered if you like, I'll be happy to help in any way I can, should you have any.
This is quite a story you've written, it kept my interest from the get-go. The whole idea of this adoption and coverup is very intriguing. The plot flows well, keeping the reader interested, wondering what was going to come next. I really liked it because of the plot and storyline, but it does need a bit of editing, my suggestions are detailed below.
Title: Very good for this story.
Description: Very good description, it's what drew me in to read this.
Grammar: Your grammar was good, but I noticed minor errors which are detailed below.
General Comments:
1. Tracey Williams was thrity-five years old, single. This sentence ends too abruptly. I think if you deleted the comma and added the word 'and', it would read much better. Also, thrity should be thirty.
2. She had a nice life, ordinary, a little dull now and then. Again, a sentence that just reads 'off'. Maybe something like this would work. She had a nice life; very ordinary, but a little dull now and then.
3. And, anyway, she needed a suitable man for that, and she couldn’t see any on the horizon! A sentence should rarely, very rarely, start with a conjunction. I think you could substitute the word 'Besides' for the first two words without changing the thought you had going.
4. I'm going to make a general statement here about your story, and how it's written, instead of copying and pasting more and more lines. You have a tendency to write in short sentences that change course abruptly. An example is the next sentence I would have commented on. He died five years ago, lost in the Catskills ranges, his body never found. I'm going to give you my suggestion on this whole sentence, see what you think. He had died five years ago while hiking in the Catskill mountains. He loved exploring natures wonders, often hiking alone. When he disappeared, it was no different than before. But no one knew where he had gone hiking, so his body had never been found. When you tell us a story, don't be brief, unless it's part of the mystery and you can't give away too much yet.
5. Okay, I have to point this sentence out. Her father was only a shadow since his death, looking lost and alone without his “boy”, and probably hastened his own death, through heart failure six months later. In the first part of this sentence, you use the word 'was' to describe her father, and how he had changed after David's death. but later in the sentence, we find that her father had died 6 months after David. This would probably be better worded something like this. Her father became a shadow of himself after Davide died, looking lost and alone without his “boy”, and probably hastened his own death through heart failure six months later.
6. In a few places you use one or two words as a sentence. Again, you are being way too brief here, don't be afraid to write it out and tell us more. When I see a lot of lines like this, I immediately think, "They were too lazy to type a complete sentence. Or, they didn't know what to say, so the story is incomplete." It's your story, you know what to say, so say it!
7. Feeling a slight sense of foreboding, Tracey entered the building on Forth St, and took the elevator to the 18th floor. Forth should be Fourth.
8. The offices were so palatial, so typical of a solicitors offices she mused. Not that she had ever been in one. The second usage of offices should be singular, not plural. A thought comes to mind here. If she'd never been in a Solicitor's office before, how would she know they were usually palatial?
9. When you describe something over and over, don't use the word several times. An example, "No keyboards clicking, no phones ringing, no people, no chatter, no this, no that, etc." Instead, you could say, "No keyboards clicking, phones ringing, people, or background chatter." See what I mean?
10. “It transpires that David was born as a result of an ex-marital affair within one of the more wealthy New York families,the Rochesters,” Ex should be 'extra'
Overall impressions: There is a lot more I could comment on, but it would take a lot longer than the hour spent so far writing this. It is a good story, very good. It just needs a little editing TLC so it can get better grades from future reviewers.
Sum1
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| (4.5)
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, Okay stop, I'm not that fat! But I serve tables at night. One of my pet peeves is customer service, or more specifically, a lack thereof. I can't give you any advice on writing, you seem to write very well based on this, but I can give you advice on customer service you receive. And it's quite simple. Never accept something you didn't order. If it's not right, then send it back. That doesn't mean it will be the same every time of course, but when you order a hot cappuccino, you should get one, not milk and water, not iced, not small when you ordered large, and the price should be the same. Places like this have kids working in them of course, most at their first job. And they aren't all that well trained (again, for the most part, there are exceptions), so if you accept poor customer service, they become accustomed to giving it, because to them, it's the norm. Then one day, I might be in your neighborhood on a business trip, and stop there. <smile>
Well done!
Shame on them for giving you those potatoes! This is a good story though, I could almost feel your energy and desire to go trick-or-treating. I liked how you looked up to your 12 year old cousin, I was much the same way when I was about that age. I guess I just can't imagine going trick or treat in a logging camp though. I do have a little feedback for you.