Dear Kendrick,
I was looking at the newbie page and found your port, So I thought I'd drop by to give you a review. Being new, I hope you make WDC your second home, much like so many of us have already. 
I think this is a wonderful romantic story that is a little rough around the edges. I guess that even at this age, I'm a still a romantic old sap at heart. While this is a good story, one that is still in the works, it needs a little editing to help it receive better grades in the future. The reason I say it's rough around the edges, is that some of the dialog, some of the events just don't seem to be very realistic. The dialog is nice, it flows well, but man, things seem to move too fast. There are places where you provide a lot of detail (sometimes not needed), and places where you don't provide enough detail (but it is needed). So in a nutshell, what I see here is a fledgling author who has a very good grasp of writing, but is just starting out. So, if I may offer some advice (And I'll try to not be on a lecturing soapbox too long).
Hopefully you'll receive many reviews, on this and other stories/poems you post here on WDC. Take each with a grain of salt, but NEVER let the reviewer deter you from your goal. This is your story and only you know where it will lead the reader. Few of us here are English majors, Lord knows I'm not, lol. I struggled to get 'B's' in English long ago. Don't edit your story based on someone saying something like, "This should be,,,, " or "You need a comma/semi-colon/new paragraph etc. If you know it needs it, make the change. But don't do it just because someone says it needs it. Research the idea, look it up to make sure they are right. An example for you. In one of my poems, I didn't have a comma at a certain point in a line, at least according to one reviewer. So I put one there. The next reviewer said I should remove that comma, that it wasn't needed. Get the idea? Now, on to my own specific comments, all of which are my opinion, I'd like to think all are valid, but I also try to say, "I think,,," when I'm just voicing an opinion.
1. Your chapter names need to be capitalized.
2. You should double space your paragraphs, this makes it easier on the eyes when reading something on line. You can also use the {indent} command to indent the first line of each paragraph, giving your story a more professional look.
3. He laughed and it was the hardiest laugh that I’d heard in a long time. Hardiest should be heartiest.
4. So, as you can imagine, I am exceedingly self conscience about myself. Conscience should be conscious. You used conscience consistently, but that's not the correct word to use in this context.
5. Never thought of myself as pretty or attractive, much less beautiful, so, to hear it out of a man that could be a freakin’ model for Pete’s sake was a little strange. You need to make your sentences formal in a story like this. So this needs to start with "I've". You should add a semi-colon after beautiful. It will give a more formal pause, and is needed because there are two different thoughts being voice here.
6. “I have all the time in the world, Becca. Why don’t you tell me a little about yourself?” He poured creamer into his coffee as he looked at me.
“Well, I’m just a small town girl that grew up about half an hour away from here in a little town called Harris.”
“I’ve heard of it.” He smiled at me.
I love this part,but I have to say, it doesn't seem very realistic. They have just met in her store earlier in the day, now they are on a 'first date', and she's telling him her life story? And he does the same too, just doesn't seem what people would talk about on first meeting. They'd talk of course, but they'd look to see if there was a common ground, a common interest; create a rapport, then later they'd get into life histories slowly but surely. Then they move to dinner? I know you built her to be love starved, but all this seems to be moving too fast.
7. Robert has a lot of money and is very cultured. The last thing he'd do is order a bottle of Merlot, because that would be house Merlot. The house wine is usually inferior to others, and since he had James take them to Maggio's, he probably had been there before and was familiar with the wine list. Instead of asking for a bottle of Merlot, he would tell the waiter, "Please bring us a bottle of Apatalgua Merlot." (I used a winery I'm a little familiar with in that example). He wouldn't be pompous and ask for the best bottle of Merlot, he'd have a favorite, and ask for that.
8. When I originally read this yesterday (Yes, I read it through, but didn't have time to leave you a nice review, so I made a note to come back and review this), Robert paid the waiter with two crisp one hundred dollar bills. I see you've changed that, but now the rest doesn't flow well. He hands the man the cash, his eyes get as big as saucers, etc, etc. Robert would probably use a credit card to pay with, maybe even a corporate one from Evans Enterprises.
9. He waited for the door to stop moving, before he parked in the garage. You don't need a comma after moving.
10. I worked hard for what I’ve got. A man as cultured as Robert is would never say something like this. What this line really says is, I worked hard for what I have got. (Notice I removed the contraction, making I've two words. The reason? I have got is not 'Proper English'. He would most likely say something like, "I have worked hard for everything you see here."
Overall, this is a wonderful romantic story. I hope you finish it, even more, I hope you continue to write, write, and write. There's so many activities you can become involved in here on WDC, I hope you do just that. Thanks for the enjoyable read.
Sum1
 WDC POWER RAIDER
** Image ID #1840790 Unavailable ** |
| (4.5)
| (4.0)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
I did see one thing you may want to look at.