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3,159 Public Reviews Given
3,207 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Casual for the most part. I will point out errors I see and offer suggested corrections. I like to focus on the content and formatting of the item. I love providing helpful comments and feedback that may improve the item if acted on.
I'm good at...
I like to provide suggestions to the author on things I see that may need a second look. I'm not afraid to do a little research to verify a poem's format, or the contents of a story (if requested).
Favorite Genres
Mystery, Horror, Sci-Fi, Comedy, and Suspense
Least Favorite Genres
Honestly, I will read anything if asked. I just prefer those listed above.
Favorite Item Types
Short stories, novellas, books (though a review of that may take days/weeks due to my schedule), Poetry of any format.
Least Favorite Item Types
I find non-structured poetry difficult to review, unless there is a short disclaimer about this non-structure that would help in understanding the reason it's in that particular format.
I will not review...
I'm not interested in Vore, In and Out's, Growing/Shrinking, or other items that are similar to one of these.
Public Reviews
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Review of They Do Exist  
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear DreamWeaver,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop by to honor this occasion, your 6th WDC Anniversary!

         While this is a little predictable (your description gives it away), it is well written and flows well. The dialog between Brian and his mother, with the snide comments of Matthew really made the story. This sort of reminded me of the movie, "Little Monsters", which was also cute. There are a couple of things you might want to look at in this.

1. Change your description because it gives the whole thing away. Something along the lines of Brian see's a monster in the hall, but his mother won't believe him.

2. In your current description, to exist should be do exist.

3. “Whaaaaaats was that! I don't think all the a's in what's help bring more emphasis to this. I know you were under a word limit, but you're not now. Flesh this story out some, make it last more than one night. Build a little suspense for us. *Smile* If you leave it as it is, delete the 's' at the end of Whaaaaaats.

4. “THERE ARE SUCH THINGS AS MONSTERSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!” I would delete the extra 'S' in Monsters, and make this line bold to bring emphasis to it. This line is in quotes, but I don't believe anyone is speaking here.



Sum1

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Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Dragonwrites,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page, and thought I'd drop by to honor this occasion, your 10th WDC Anniversary!

         I decided to review this because I thought it would be an interesting read, and I was right. However, it was also tedious trying to translate the entire thing. It's a fun thing to do, for a few minutes. But trying to read an entire paragraph or story, is tough. That doesn't mean this is written poorly, far from it. But I think you'd be a little better off if you gave examples of Pig Latin first, then the English equivalent. Using some cute phrases from today would make it more fun. Then you could challenge readers to read an entire paragraph, and see how well they do. Would be sort of like a mini lesson in that language, then seeing how well they do. Maybe questions in Pig Latin, with their responses in multiple choice questions. Make it fun for them, while you have fun creating it. *Smile* Overall though, a fun read, until one gets tired trying to translate.




Sum1

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Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Sue,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop by to honor this occasion, your 6th WDC Anniversary!

         I really liked your story centered around Mabel. I could envision her as she drove to the mall, looking somewhat like Estelle Getty. *Smile* She was a curious person, one locked in her past really, but getting along as best she could on her own. And that's something I wonder about here. She is relatively well off, I would think her children (Deborah in particular) would be caring for her, or making sure she had help. Of course, she may have refused all that too. I do have a bit of feedback for you on it.



Title:  I know what you meant here, and it does fit, but I think there's a better title for your story. However, that's up to you.



Description:  Again, I think you can do better here. Maybe something like, Mabel has a special gift, it only appears at odd times, and is not easily controlled.



Grammar:  Very good




My Favorite Part:  The incident at the mall with the young girls. Serves them right.





General Comments:  

1. Written as an assignment to the following prompts: 93 year old woman, shopping mall, sometime in December, how things have changed. This was the prompt, and the story is to take place sometime in December. If that's the case, the shopping would have been all about Christmas (if before the 25th), and not Mother's Day. Mother's Day would not be mentioned in stores until after Valentine's Day, and Easter have passed.

2. A sign overhead announced Mother’s Day was coming. See comment above.

3. She sipped the tea and looked at to her garden. You might want to delete 'to' in this sentence.

4. She remembered older teenage boys teasing her daughter in high school and all of a sudden there had golf balls in their mouths. There should be they.

5. People honked and stared, half frustrated with her speed, half wondering if anyone was driving the car, as Mabel’s nose barely surpassed the threshold of the dashboard. Using the word 'half' twice in close succession detracts from the quality of the story a little bit.

6. Julia pointed to another turning display case. You introduce the sales woman's name here, but you don't tell us who Julia is, but it is inferred. Later when Mabel is talking to the shopping assistant, she learns Julia's name. You might want to change this so we don't know Julia's name until Mabel is told by the shopping assistant.

7. Julia noticed the diamond pendant hanging from her neck when she was driving home thinking about the old lady and the naked girls. You might want to really separate this part of the story from the rest. Perhaps something like ~~~~ across the page between the two paragraphs would work for you.

8. “Right here. That lady that died bought it for you. Closing quotation marks are needed in this line.

9. There's no department, no number for a sales clerk." Opening quotation marks are needed in this line.



Overall impressions:  A very good story about an older woman going shopping in the mall, and a special 'gift' she possesses.



Sum1

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Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Writer of the Winds,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop by to honor this occasion, your 11th WDC Anniversary!

         This is a very entertaining poem about Luscious Lou and Mean Gene LeGreene. I've played a bit of ping-pong long ago, loved you description of the match. Your whole telling of this story made it sound like the location was a Wild West saloon, with everyone gathered around, except having six shooters on their hips, they had their own paddles. *Bigsmile* But, there are a couple of things you may want to look at in this poem.



Title:  Very good for this poem




Description:  Also very good for this.




Rhyme/Rhythm:  Both were good, but a couple of your rhymes were off a bit, the rhythm even more so. Your syllable count ranged from a low of 4 in one line, to a high of 13. I don't believe every line has to have the exact same syllable count, but it does need to be more consistent.




General Comments:  

1. Here is your syllable count verse by verse. To me, the line with only four syllables can be 'forgiven', since I know what you were trying to convey there. But I've highlighted ones that caused me to pause as I read the poem.

11/10/11/11/11/9/9/10/8/9/7/8

10/9/9/9/10/10/8/9/9/8/4/13

11/10/11/8/7/10/10/9/9/8/8/8

8/8/10/9/9/8/9/9/10/10/10/10

7/8/10/7/8/10/9/13/8/8/8/10

10/8/10/8

         As you can see, the poem seems lend a really nice read with a syllable count of 8-10, and flows well there. If you want to change that, you can with just a little editing TLC.

2. Since your first five verses are twelve lines each, it would be easy to change this to a series of Quatrains, like the final verse. This would lend a more appealing to the readers eyes, and can break this story into smaller portions.

3. This is a personal preference only, but if you edit this to a more consistent syllable count, the poem would look much better centered on the page.




Overall impressions:  A very cute poem about an epic ping-pong match between Mean Gene LeGreene, and Luscious Lou.



Sum1

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Review of Space Holder  
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
This made me chuckle. I'm the same way sometimes about silly things you don't need. I sat here for a few minutes contemplating this, and just smiled the whole time.
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Review of Empty Vessel  
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Dear Katrina,
         I am so ashamed of myself, I thought I'd rated this one long ago. As you know, this is by far my favorite of all your stories. I read this over and over, and always amazed at it's simple beauty, it's depth; then it hits me again, and I'm in awe over it once more. Thank you for writing this, and allowing me to read it. It is a treasure.




Sum1

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Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Coltraz,
I saw a review of this, and was intrigued enough to come by and read it myself, and offer you another Anniversary Review. Happy 1st WDC Anniversary!

         I love the idea of this story, and it was given away a little in the review I read, but it was still very enjoyable. I could see 'them' talking back and forth, two men with a lot in common, neither wanting to give way to the other by leaving first. Their banter was very good, but there was one line that gave it away a little too, so you might want to consider a small re-wording there.

I close my eyes as tight as I can, wishing that sordid image away. The word image gives this away a little, maybe you could just change it to 'him' to lead readers on a little more. Your decision of course. *Smile*

         Overall though, a very enjoyable read, I just wish it was a little bit longer, a little more detail about the men.





Sum1

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Review of My Personal Hell  
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Dear aralls,
         I saw this on the static item page and thought I'd give it a look-see. I found it to be pretty entertaining, well written with a nice flow to it. You had me smiling throughout as I imagined my local Wal-Mart, and me having similar problems in the past. I loved it when you met Harold, and helped him find Edna. I sort of pictured Hume Cronyn and Jessica as I read that part. I did notice a couple of things you might want to check out in this.

1. I’m obsessed and downright pissed at the situation I find myself in walking through the automatic doors to be greeted by someone who has a worse disposition than I. I think you need a comma after 'in'.

2. As clear as the ringing at Customer Service that has gone unanswered for five minutes, the answer arrives. It seems you're missing the word 'phone' after ringing in this sentence.




Sum1

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** Image ID #1840790 Unavailable **
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Review of The Basement  
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Maidy,
         I was crediting Anniversary Reviews, and reading a previous one for this story prompted me to drop in and read it too. Happy 3rd WDC Anniversary!

         This is a pretty gruesome story here. A worst nightmare you might say. It has a rapid flow to it that never let's the reader go. The ending was especially different, quite harsh, and unexpected. I do have a couple of comments for you on it.



Title:  Excellent for this story.



Description:  This could be improved it seems. It's nice, but I think this might be a little better. One minute she is watching TV, the next, she wakes in an unfinished basement.



Grammar:  Very good





General Comments:  

1. As I opened my eyes, I found myself staring at a man’s face. I jumped up off the dirt floor. I was standing in the middle of a wooden staircase without any steps. Also, it wasn’t just one but two bodies with me. Both seemed dead. I think the first sentence could be strengthened a little, maybe like this. As I opened my eyes, I found myself staring at the face of what appeared to be a dead man. Now tell us more about how she felt. Wouldn't she jump up startled? Tell us how she reacted when she realized she was with two dead people. For the second part of this paragraph, you might want to strengthen it some too. I was standing in the middle of a wooden staircase without any steps, but there were two, not one body lying on the floor near me.

2. I heard scratching at the door. There was a dog but its collar said cat with a number. How did she see the dog? Did she open the door? Show us what she did, how she reacted to all this. It seems that if she called someone and their first words were to ask if she'd found his dog she'd be a little suspicious.

3. “Now, I’m not a heartless man. I planned on making sure you were dead first before I ditched the evidence.” This is a very chilling line. But surely he'd say something more, maybe something about since she's alive, she won't have the benefit of not feeling the pain.



Overall impressions:  A very gruesome story of a young woman who's kidnapped and put into an unfinished basement.


Sum1

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Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Dear Susan,
         I just had to drop by your port and find something to read, I'm glad I found this. I don't write horror, or about crime, or anything along those lines. Or at least I should say I don't write it well if I do. *Smile* I liked this story, I could picture him walking along as you described. I had a friend once who lived somewhat like this, and said he used to sleep in the adult movie theaters, it was the only place he could go and feel safe. Haven't thought of him in years, but your story reminded me of him. I did see one area you may want to look at.

1. I stopped abruptly, my eyes taking in the dark shape lying prone on the ground before me. Noiselessly, I pressed close to the side of the alley. The story is told in the present, yet using the word stopped, and pressed, puts this part in the past. You might want to change those to stop, and press. It would still read fine with the change.


Thank you for the nice read, I do love horror and suspense, just can't write it much. *Smile*



Sum1

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** Image ID #1840790 Unavailable **
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Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Daizy,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop by to honor this occasion, your 6th WDC Anniversary!

         This is a very cute poem about butterflies. Your rhyming was spot on, while telling a story about these little creatures that I've never thought of. I think they are amazing things, I've seen them emerge from the cocoon, and that's amazing. I loved the idea of them forming a new rainbow to replace the one that was gone. Then becoming snowflakes just made it all the better, at least for me. Well done!



Sum1

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** Image ID #1840790 Unavailable **
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Review of Wish I Was There  
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Melinda,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop by to honor this occasion, your 7th WDC Anniversary!

         This is a very special poem written to your husband, you express your love for him very well in it. While I loved the poem and what it says, the rhythm was intentionally off (intentionally if you ask me), ranging from a low of five syllables in one line, to as many as thirteen in others. This just makes the whole read a bit choppy. I know it was also intended to stress the refrain in the first line (Wish I was there), but that also tended to detract from the read. If I may, I'd like to show you the same first verse, slightly different words, but one that reads a bit smoother, a syllable count of 10/10/10/11 (as well as a rhyme scheme of abab)

Wish I was there to feel you caress me
as you gently touch my special places
only you know of my special key
and make me quiver with your soft embraces


But it's your poem, only you know how you really want it to flow. Very well done overall, a beautiful love poem for your special man.





Sum1


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Review of Senseless  
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Katrina,
         I love everything you write, like I've said, you excel at the shorter stories. This one is no exception either. What makes it even more special if you ask me, is the first hand experience it's based on. You didn't let personal sadness or troubles intrude on your story, and told this very well. The note to Matt at the end was heart-wrenching, but so true. It's something I could see being done by a young widow. Thank you for the inspiring read.
764
764
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Ravenwand,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop by to honor this occasion, your 7th WDC Anniversary!

         I remember Georgie Porgie, a little bit at least. I liked your version of it, I had to smile as I read through your poem, think we've all seen someone a little like this. Your rhyming was very good, the story you tell even better. But it did seem that you jumped from having all the women by his side, to being left alone. A couple of extra verses would help fill this out and improve the story quite a bit. Overall though, very well done!




Sum1

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Review of Dreaming  
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Obwan,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop by to honor this occasion, your 7th WDC Anniversary!

         I love the message in this poem, the story you tell about dreaming. But should dreaming be called that name? Or was it dreams that you really talked about in this poem. I have to say that at first I was put off by the repetitive use of the word 'dreaming' (it was used about 15 times in this poem), but I think I understand why you used it so many times. Having it used three times in the first verse alone is what really made me wonder. You may want to look at the possibility of reducing the usage of it, but I wouldn't want to suggest an alternative, it's your poem. You might also want to look at the description, we're allowed 90 characters, you title this 'Dreaming', and all you say to tempt us in to read it is 'A Dream.....?' Surely there's more you can say to draw in readers. *Smile*





Sum1

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** Image ID #1840790 Unavailable **
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Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Pam,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop by to honor this occasion, your 11th WDC Anniversary!

         This is a very cute children's poem you've written here. I loved the idea of a small creature with mud on his face wanting to get a good look at himself. His journey to the brook was interesting, meeting the deer, skunk, and hound along the way. I can really see children enjoying this poem, and learning that in days past, a salamander was really called a mudman (I don't think I've heard it called that in years though). Very well done, the rhyme/rhythm were excellent, contributing to an enjoyable read. *Smile*





Sum1

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** Image ID #1840790 Unavailable **
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Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Askpaddy,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 8th WDC Anniversary!

         This is a very cute poem, especially for being so short. The images you created were terrific, I think we've all seen movies like this and can thus relate. I do have a couple of comments for you on it.

1. You might want to consider shortening the title some, you don't need the 'A Bit On The Side'.

2. You may consider putting quotation marks around the dialog. It's dialog, even in a poem, and should have quotation marks.

3. Lastly, I would love to see this drawn out some, a bit longer. How long did he languish under the bed? How did he get out/escape? Did he have to listen to them make love above him as he hid? Things like this would add to the poem, and make the story much stronger. It's fine as it is, nice and short, but the possibilities. *Smile*



Sum1

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** Image ID #1840790 Unavailable **
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Review of White Balloons  
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear WebWitch,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop by to honor this fine occasion, your 5th WDC Anniversary!

         You know, it would be easy to say that the lines in this poem are too long. Or that the rhyme and rhythm are off, some lines short, others long as already mentioned. Maybe one could say, "Where's the form? Which of the many forms of poetry is this one supposed to be?" And to be honest, I don't think one would hear much of an answer, nor should they. Sometimes, words transcend all, as your poem does here. All you have to do is read, comprehend the words, and see the sadness and beauty in this poem. Line length requirements? P'shaw! Rhyme/Rhythm? Nah! Form? Forget it! This is fine as it is, nor does it get much finer. Thank you for the somber, yet beautiful read.



Sum1

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Review of I Let Him Down  
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Katrina,
         You know I love the stories you write, you excel at the shorter ones. I loved how you kept your 'secret' until the very end. Your genre selection does give it away a little, so you might want to change that, but that's about the only thing I'd change here. Love it.

Me
770
770
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Sumi,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop by to honor this occasion, your 10th WDC Anniversary!

         This is quite the story you have here, and I found myself wondering if it is true, or fiction. As I read it, I was completely immersed in it, forgetting everything around me. For some reason, I knew Carrie hadn't committed suicide, and thought that Darrel had killed her for some reason. I was happy to see that it was an accident, and in a way, can understand his silence. It was quite a shock to him I'm sure, and just folded into himself. In the early parts of the story, I smiled at how you and Carrie played with the costumes. It's something I could see two young girls doing.

         Now I confess, I got so immersed in your story, that I forgot to review it with a critical eye. So all I can say, is very well done! Loved it.





Sum1

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** Image ID #1840790 Unavailable **
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Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Charity,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop by to honor this occasion, your 4th WDC Anniversary!

         I agree with you about the usage of edit points, and I am one of the guilty ones who have never used them. I think a lack of knowledge of how to use them is the biggest part, but another might be that few look for feedback of that type or depth. I think I am more comfortable just giving a review in this fashion; to me it's a complete item in itself. Using edit points would make this review a lot shorter. *Smile* Another reason, is that using them would require more work on the reviewers part, and most people aren't here to do reviews of that depth. I did see a couple of things you might want to look at in your wording of this.


1. First, you want to use the edit function of WDC if the item is already created. If posting a new piece, enabling it can only occur after creating it. These sentences are redundant really. Why not just say, "Edit points can only be used (or enabled) after an item has been created."

2. Edit points can be found in Section 5 of a static item or a book. Where in the heck is section 5? I have 158 items in my port, and I've never seen a section 5 on one. Oh wait, I know what you mean (I knew all along, I'm pulling your chain). *Smile* What I really mean to say here, is that this statement is nice, but it's ambiguous, and doesn't tell readers what/where section 5 is. You might want to explain a little further that edit points are located under the main body of text in the item when they edit it. This also explains to them why they can't be enabled until after the item is saved, since section 5 of an item being created is called 'Item Preferences'.

         Overall, I found this to be very helpful, well written, and full of information on edit points. Now all we need to do, is convince everyone (myself included) to use them. *Bigsmile*



Sum1

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** Image ID #1840790 Unavailable **
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Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Starfire,
I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop by to honor this occasion, your 7th WDC Anniversary!

         This is a beautiful poem about an older man singing in the evenings. His love for his wife and the life he has lived since then is obvious. I could feel his yearning for love as I read this. If I may, I do have a little feedback for you on it.



Title:  Very good for this poem




Description:  This is nice, but we're allotted 90 characters for our descriptions, so use them all you can!




Rhyme/Rhythm:  Very good, not consistent, but I think the inconsistency made it work better for me.




General Comments:  

1. that he'd earn on his own, earn should be earned

2. that sat by his side, In the previous line, you said he sang to his wife; I don't think she would like being called 'that' in the next line. Perhaps you could change 'that', to 'who'





Overall impressions:  A very nice poem about a love that spans beyond death.


Sum1

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Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Dykie,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop by to honor this occasion, your 2nd WDC Anniversary!

         This is a pretty humorous story you have here. You gave some fine examples of Grumpy Old Men, and most of them fit me! *Smile* I think you described their characteristics well, and I think they may have a good enough reason to be grumpy. They've earned it after all. I do have a little feedback for you on this.



Title:  Perfect for this story



Description:  Also excellent for this story.



Grammar:  I noticed nothing more than a couple of minor typo's.




My Favorite Part:  Your description of Mr. Wasserman's funeral, and what you found out about him.





General Comments:  

1. They always have their sleeves rolled up, you'll notice that they're forearms are all corded muscle, and they have hands as big as hams. They're should be their. But be careful here, you used the word their at least 5-6 times in short space.

2. "Those darn alpaca's. We're all going to freeze our butts off this winter just because a bunch of hill-climbing, spitting, nasty critters ain't growing enough fur!" You have dialog in two places, and in both you did not indent the line like the rest of the story. You might want to consider indenting them, as well as highlighting them in some way. Perhaps italics or a different color.




Overall impressions:  A nicely humorous story of life as one slowly becomes a Grumpy Old Man.


Sum1

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Review of Raven Heart  
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Michyio,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop by to honor this occasion, your 2nd WDC Anniversary!

         I found myself liking this poem, it flows well and tells a nice tale. It does need a little editing TLC, but nothing major. I liked the idea you expressed here though, that the Raven was once the most colorful bird around, but lost all its color and is now black. My comments are below.



Title:  Excellent for this poem




Description:  First poem I ever wrote.And it was not inspired by "The Raven". It's was "Annabell Lee." While this is good, I think you can do better. You might say something like, "My first poem, inspired by Poe's "Annabelle Lee"."




Rhyme/Rhythm:  Your rhyme and rhythm closely followed that used in Annabelle Lee, but the English we speak today is not Poe's, causing this to read a little off. I will provide comments on that below.




General Comments:  

1. I know Poe used words over and over in his poem, and that was how things were in his time. But in today's world, it seems to detract from the read. (At least from what I can tell. If I may, I have a couple of minor suggestions on this.

Raven Heart

They say that I am The Devil’s Bird,
That I don’t care,
Maybe I'm selfish,
Some say I will never Fly,
But I am The Raven.
And they are wrong,
I am Flying,
Higher, and Stronger.
They made me this way,
Called me 'outcast',
Took my brilliant colors,
Once I was the brightest,
Different, so they shunned me,
My colors faded,
My tears meant nothing,
They call me heartless,
But they are the ones without a heart,
Not me, nor the rest of my Kind,
We are The Ravens,
We are the 'Silent Watchers',
Masters of the Darkness.




         I really didn't intend to go through the whole poem like that, but once I started, I realized it was about all I could do. If I may make another suggestion, it's this. Like I said, I loved the idea that the Raven was originally the brightest bird around. Tell the reader how the Raven lost it's colors. Maybe the Peacock tool the turquoise and blues, the Cardinal stole the red, something like that. But tell us how they did it, and when. A little story telling in this poem would make it so much stronger. And what a read that would be!



Overall impressions:  A nice poem about the Raven and how it came to be considered an outcast.



Sum1

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** Image ID #1840790 Unavailable **
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Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Spideygirl,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop by to honor this occasion, your 8th WDC Anniversary!

         This is a pretty strange story; but a good one that made me wonder, and I think that was the intent. It doesn't have a lot of buildup, nor much character depth, but taking place in the year 2408, maybe it doesn't need it. I found the society you described in this story to be utterly depressing, and am glad I don't live in that era. One of the strange parts of the story, was when he was forced to check out of the hospital because they needed his room, yet he was still there in it. That tells me he was there because there was space available, not that he needed to be in the hospital. If I may, I have a little feedback for you on this.



Title:  Very good for this story



Description:  You might want to tell a reader a little what this story is about, and add satire in genre in the heading above (you already have comedy).



Grammar:  Very good.





General Comments:  

1. You might want to consider using the {indent} command in the first line of each paragraph to set those line apart from the others. This is more a personal preference though that comment on a deficiency.

2. People used to laugh all the time, I came to understand, from reading at the library shortly after this conversation took place. This sentence reads a bit 'off'. It might be better worded something like this. Shortly after this conversation I was at the library, and in my reading, I found that people used to laugh all the time.

3. Bobo fell to the ground, dead, and I began laughing and laughing and laughing. You don't need a comma after ground. You might want to consider deleting the first usage of 'and'.

4. I know this is a satire and comedy, but it seems very stiff. Get out there on that branch! Stretch yourself some, and flesh this out. What I mean is, develop this a little more. Maybe give a short background on why people stopped laughing. Maybe describe life in 2408, show how it is different from today, but be satirical about both of these thoughts the whole time. Reinforce this idea throughout the story. Make me smile (but don't hit me on the head with a bowling pin) *Smile*


Overall impressions:  A cute story about a clown, and a man, who both need to learn how to laugh again.


Sum1

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