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Review Requests: ON
3,159 Public Reviews Given
3,207 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Casual for the most part. I will point out errors I see and offer suggested corrections. I like to focus on the content and formatting of the item. I love providing helpful comments and feedback that may improve the item if acted on.
I'm good at...
I like to provide suggestions to the author on things I see that may need a second look. I'm not afraid to do a little research to verify a poem's format, or the contents of a story (if requested).
Favorite Genres
Mystery, Horror, Sci-Fi, Comedy, and Suspense
Least Favorite Genres
Honestly, I will read anything if asked. I just prefer those listed above.
Favorite Item Types
Short stories, novellas, books (though a review of that may take days/weeks due to my schedule), Poetry of any format.
Least Favorite Item Types
I find non-structured poetry difficult to review, unless there is a short disclaimer about this non-structure that would help in understanding the reason it's in that particular format.
I will not review...
I'm not interested in Vore, In and Out's, Growing/Shrinking, or other items that are similar to one of these.
Public Reviews
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701
701
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Dave,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop by to honor this occasion, your 7th WDC Anniversary!

         I've read quite a bit about our Navy, and knew of the H.L. Hunley and it's attack on the Housatonic. Your story is a nice rendering of what may have gone through one of men's minds as they prepared for this. I liked the idea that they survived the attack, but have to wonder why they'd settle to the bottom to await the changing of the tides. They would know they needed to surface for fresh air frequently. With their target sunk, wouldn't they have been able to remain on the surface and drift a little, propel themselves off and on, to return to harbor? Their only danger would be if someone still on the Housatonic could somehow fire a cannon at them. Your tale is good, I liked it, but I just don't see them dying quite like that. But then, it's your story, and your idea, so kudo's to you on telling a sad tale well.


Sum1

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702
702
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear iKiyasama,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop by to honor this, your 7th WDC Anniversary!

         I first saw this early on, right after joining WDC, and loved the idea of a memorial to members who have passed on. I saw it again, and made it a favorite so I'd always be able to come back here. I think this is one of the most wonderful items on WDC. Being middle aged, I am more and more attracted to things that honor others. I'm just hoping that it's quite a while before my suitcase joins this page. Thank you for this, everyone should look through here and let their minds take a stroll.



Sum1

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703
703
Review of Was It Wrong?  
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Ski-ster,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop by to honor this occasion, your 6th WDC Anniversary!

         What a unique scenario you present in this story. It flowed well, and just long enough, but then again, too short in some ways. I am not sure I could have done as well as Ken did if I was put in a similar situation. While the idea of being watched is tantalizing at times, I don't think having a gun pointed at me while I made love to someone would help. It might be the same as taking a dip in cold water. But while it flowed well, there are a couple of things you might want to look at in it.

1. For the most part, the story is told in the past tense, even the first part where he's thinking about seeing her seems to be past tense. So it's a bit of a change when the story suddenly shifts to present tense. You might want to see if you can segue a little better into that.

2. His body shuttered as he remembered how many times he dreamt about this very moment. Shuttered should be shuddered. Your use of shuttered means coverings over windows, windows shutter. People shudder from cold, or excitement.

3. Their bodies gyrated in unison while their screams reacted in harmony, as if there they were one clump of flesh, hair and sweat all mingled together never to be pried apart. It seems you can delete 'there' from this line, it's not needed.

4. He did not see her face never mind get a look into her eyes to try and see if she was feeling the same completeness as he was. You need a comma after face.

Overall, a very nice story. The ending was great, but I (having a curious mind) wanted to know more!



Sum1

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704
704
Review of Not Today  
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Ken,
         When I saw your portfolio on the Anniversary Review page, there was no way I could let today go by without stopping by to honor this occasion, your 4th WDC Anniversary!

         I'm attracted to almost anything written about Veteran's, I don't think the majority of the country really understands what it means to them when they are recognized for their work. Your poem speaks of all this, and a simple gallant response to adversity, "Not today!" Your poem ranges in time, from the start of our great country, through today's complex world. I too think people think we're on the decline, and maybe we are. But I believe that we should not be underestimated, because we never give up, at least "Not today" Nice phrase, it fits well. Thank you for the enjoyable read.



Sum1

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705
705
Review of Dating Diary  
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Dear Trypp,
         I thought I'd drop by to say hi and read a bit after you nice visit this morning.

         I love your dating diary, but is this all there is to it?? I love your sense of humor. The idea of your date being returned home in the trunk of his own car left me laughing. I've never been treated like that, hope I never am. The widowed one was sad, he sure sounded lonely. I will have to look around at more of your port later. *Smile*



Sum1

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706
706
Review of Ode to Joy  
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Annie,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop by to honor this occasion, your 7th WDC Anniversary!

         Your poem is a little hot, without being hot. I know that's a contradiction, but to me it is. You of your lover and how much you yearn for him. At least on first glance. *Smile* Then the last line hits you, and one realizes that you are aching for another taste of Almond Joy! I guess there really is true, that some times you feel like a nut, and some times you don't! *Laugh*



Sum1

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707
707
Review of Clowning Around  
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Lightbringer,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop by to honor this occasion, your 1st WDC Anniversary!

         I've never been a clown, but I can't imagine living that life, then trying to be serious, but unable to. It sounded like your clown looked like one, even when he removed his costume completely. Or did he look like a clown even with no makeup on or anything? Either way, that would not be a comfortable life to live. I think the one thing I felt was missing in this, was a beginning, and a true end. It seemed like this was started in the middle of a bigger scene, then ended, with the larger scene not yet unfolding, nor maybe fully started. It's well told, don't get me wrong, but it just seems to lack that definitive beginning, and end.


Sum1

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708
708
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Baileybug,
         I'm am reviewing this at your request, and will try to provide you helpful feedback so you can improve it, and your writing skills. For a twelve year old, you have a good grasp of the basic skills needed to become a good writer. Your story has a nice start to it, a decent middle section, but tails off at the end. What I mean is, the story just ends, there doesn't seem to be an ending to it. I know it's chapter 1, but it seems it could end better. Does that make sense? Now for a few general pointers to help you with this.

1. Run this through a spell checker, there are quite a few words that need corrected. For example, I'm not sure what word you meant to use, but phycic is not a word. Psychic is, as it Physics, but I'm not sure which one you meant. Finaley should be finally, impossable should be impossible. Things like that.

2. Look carefully at your grammar usage. In particular, the quotation marks around dialog, and proper formatting of dialog. Here's an example for you. "happy birthday to you,happy birthday to you,happy birthday dear Bailey,happy birthday to you!" This is how it should look, if you were to keep the whole song in the story. "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Bailey, happy birthday to you!" I said should you keep the whole song in the story. I don't see the need to have the song be completely sung in the story. Everyone knows the song, you might be better off revising this part as follows: I had been eyeing the beautiful chocolate cake sitting on the table in front of me. There was a big number twelve candle burning on top; with my eyes closed I could savor the sweet smell of chocolate while listening to the angelic sounds of my four best friends singing, wishing me a happy birthday.

3. For the most part, when you start dialog, the first word is capitalized. Here's another example from your story. "what in the world made u think of that its kinda bad" What should be capitalized, you need a period after bad, before the quotation marks. You should use a comma after that, and its should be it's.

4. You have a tendency to not use a space when you start dialog. I saw this in several places in your story. I mentioned grammar usage above. Here's a couple of specific comments. Every time I is used alone (a word in essence), it is capitalized. This was not done much, if at all in your story. The start of every sentence is capitalized. This too was missing in several places. You should use a double space between one sentence and the next, particularly for on line reading.

All in all though, it's a good story, and a good start for someone as young as you. Keep at it, remember that writing a story or poem is far different than texting your friends. You have to observe formatting and such in writing a story. Texting, no one cares it seems.


Sum1

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709
709
Review of Mr. C  
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Hey Justin,
         Thank you for asking me to read and review your story. To me, that is a high honor, especially from someone new to the site. So thank you again.

         I would love to praise this, telling you how great it is, but as you can tell from the grade, I can't do that. Not entirely at least. I will tell you this, and I'm always honest in my reviews; you have a REALLY GOOD story here. I loved the twist at the end; suspected you had one coming since you tried all you could to get the reader to convict him. But still, the twist was excellent. So, you have a very good story, but it's the telling and showing that's off a bit. I'm not going to give you a list of every single thing I noticed that needs work, but I will give you general things to look for. So, here goes.

1. Write the story. The way it is currently written, it's like you and I are sitting around a campfire, and you're telling me the story. Write it, describe it, show (show us more about what Clef does in the basement, etc), don't tell. (You'll hear that a lot in your early stories.)

2. Read this out loud for flow. In doing so, pretend you don't know the outcome of the story. Look for jumps in continuity, because sometimes you jump from one scene to another quickly. That's something you have to fight against, something I've had to really fight. You know the story, and want to get it told. But in doing so, you forget that we the reader don't know the details you do. So slow down some, and build the story. Let it come to you, don't force it.

3. Your dialog is missing quotation marks in quite a few places. Dialog should have the first letter of the first word capitalized, just like the start of a sentence. If more than one person speaks, it should be a new paragraph. Here's an example:

They waived (should be waved) to him good morning Clef, Morning he responded. Pulling around back of the school he parked his truck, put on his navy blue jacket, embroidered on the left side was his name Clef on the right side it read Matience (should be Maintenance).

The part in bold should be separate paragraphs, and in quotation marks.

4. Run this through a spell checker. There are numerous misspelled words in this. Minor things like this can cause a very good story (YOURS!) to receive low review grades. *Frown*

5. Along with the spell checker, look for punctuation needed. Comma's (don't overuse them) are needed in some places. Minor things like that.

         Justin, forgive me please, but I am not about to do a long detailed review of this, it would take me a couple of hours to do that. Plus, I don't want to seem to belittle and tear down what I consider a very good story, I think my rating does that enough, and I hated giving you that grade. If you edit this, and improve it, I will be happy to return, erase this grade and give you a higher one if it is warranted. I look forward to reading this again sometime in the future.



Sum1

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710
710
Review of letting you know  
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Mz. Hicks
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop by to honor this occasion, your 3rd WDC Anniversary!

         There is a lot of bitterness in your poem, and rightly so, based on the point of view. I'm glad to know it's not about you, but if it was true, you'd have every right to be bitter. It flows pretty good, but some of your rhymes are either the same word, or not quite a true rhyme. I do have a couple of comments for you on it.

1. Get rid of the CAPS. This is considered shouting (in a written document), and is a sign of a writer who needs more maturing.

2. Your first two lines are so 'trite' (is that the correct word there?), they are so predictable. However if you made them one line, it would work better with the third line.

3. In the third line, threw should be through.

4. You used 'me', and 'him' as rhyme for each in consecutive. You should try to find another word to use as a rhyme for each. (Me: be, see, maybe, sea, tea, tee, etc, and Him: shim, quim, trim, vim, dim, gym, rim, etc.)

         Each of my comments can easily be fixed, making this poem capable of receiving better grades in the future.




Sum1

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** Image ID #1840790 Unavailable **
711
711
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Meg,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop by to honor this occasion, your 5th WDC Anniversary!

         One of the things I love most, is tribute to our Veterans. And that's not because I'm a 20 year Veteran myself, I think those who serve in battle should receive the highest esteem from everyone. Sadly they rarely get it. Your poem is beautiful, I really loved the repeated first line of "We honour our Veterans", your rhyming and rhythm were excellent as you told us about veterans. I was really hoping to see these coins and keep one for myself, then I realized you're in Australia. *Frown* Ahhh, maybe I'll get there again some day, and can get one then. Thank you for this tribute, it is wonderful.



Sum1

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** Image ID #1840790 Unavailable **
712
712
Review of The Cold  
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Scottie,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop by to honor this occasion, your 9th WDC Anniversary!

         I found your story to be pretty amusing. Being the way I am, I can't see spending money on a something that will make me smell the way I would naturally after working out. Except, approaching 60, I'm a little old and out of shape for that kind of exercise. *Frown* I can't imagine someone being paid to smell things, same as being paid to be the quality assurance tester for an ice cream brand. I supposed there's a need for people with that talent, but what scent would one make for a male, to make them want a woman? Oh wait, you don't need that, men do that naturally! *Cool* I did notice one line you may want to look at in this story.

1. If anyone found out her nose was, quite literally, broken! This is an incomplete sentence. So, what would happen if someone found out her nose was broken? That's the part you left out.




Sum1

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** Image ID #1840790 Unavailable **
713
713
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Nicki,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop by to honor this occasion, your 5th WDC Anniversary!

         This poem is so cute! I loved the idea of a vegetarian vampire, it really made me smile imagining them going through the night without having their usual 'meal'. The flow of your poem is excellent with a nice rhyming pattern to it. I had to almost laugh out loud at the idea of a vampire using a butter knife, that was too much. Some of the rhythm was off a little, but for the most part I could ignore it because it flowed well. But I have to say that the last verse is choppy
rhythm-wise compared to the others, and the rhyming is lost at that point also. Overall though, a thoroughly enjoyable read!



Sum1

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714
714
Review of Love of Distance  
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Talera,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop by to honor this occasion, your 1st WDC Anniversary!

         This is a very nice poem, I loved the similes you made regarding your love caressing you or being near you. The wind caressing you, or the rain falling on you were two of my favorites. I've been in a long distance relationship, and it takes a lot of work to keep it going. Communication is the best way of course, but that's how it is with any relationship. One comment is all I have:

1. I'd love to see this centered on the page. But that's just a personal preference.



Sum1

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** Image ID #1840790 Unavailable **
715
715
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
My Dearest Katrina,
         I loved this story! The only comment I have on it, is that towards the end, everyone was waiting on a signal from Mother Goose. Next thing you know, the kids are coming up to see her. So I missed that signal thing, unless I'm getting so old and gray that I missed it somehow.


Love Forever,

Me
Sum1

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716
716
Review of I Remember  
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Cubby,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop by to honor this occasion, your 10th WDC Anniversary! And I'm very glad I did!

         What a beautiful, powerful poem! My best friend (She's here on WDC, Amay is living with her mother now, since she has Alzheimer's also. The things you mention in this poem are an every day occurrence for her. Her mother would not survive if it weren't for her loving care, so I know a little of what your daughter-in-law is going through. There's not much more I can say about this, to me it's perfect; and very deserving of the *Star**Star**Star**Star**Star* rating I'm giving it.



Sum1

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717
717
Review of He has my body  
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Deedee,
         Well, I thought I'd drop by your port myself and see what else you had that might interest me for your 4th Anniversary, and this one caught my eye.

         This is a beautiful poem, I love the rhyme and rhythm of it! But it also confuses me, maybe I'm just getting old. *Smile* It seems written from a male point of view, but in the last verse we find that it is written about a male. So it confuses me, unless this is written by a man, for another man. Maybe that's how you intended it, but I'm just not sure. Very good, but it left me puzzled.



Sum1

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718
718
Review of A Perfect Man  
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Deedee,
         I saw a review of this on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd give it a read myself. Happy 4th WDC Anniversary!

         This free verse poem tells quite the story, and seems dedicated to a man who's hurt you terribly. Being free verse, there's no rhythm requirement, but I'm betting you could get it there if you wanted. There is a small bit of rhyming going on (existence/resistance, amazing/blazing, and alone/phone), so I think you could make it a structured poem, and rhyming at the same time. *Smile* There is one small thing you'll want to look at in this though.

1. But a perfect man calls and imperfect girl, and should be an.




Sum1

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719
719
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Prosperous Snow,
         I saw a review of this on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd give it a look myself. Happy 10th WDC Anniversary!

         This is a pretty cute story, I loved the idea of it raining hard, then suddenly cats and dogs are seen falling unhurt from the sky. Your characters didn't seem too upset by this, taking it rather calmly. The comment about calling NASA made me smile a lot. I did see a couple of things you might want to look at in this story.

1. I suppose, she thought as she went back into the living room, it’s going to rain all day none stop. None stop should be non-stop.

2. “Dam,” she growled realizing the remote was nowhere in sight, “I wonder where Lance left it this time.” Dam should be damn.

3. “What’s so interesting out side this morning,” said Lance as he walked into the living room. Out side should be outside.

4. “Perhaps we’d better call into work today because I don’t think it’s safe to drive.” In this usage, into should be in to.



Sum1

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720
Review of Once Was An Angel  
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Lady Gypsy,
         I thought I'd drop back by once again this month and read something of yours by way of an Anniversary Review. Happy 4th WDC Anniversary!

         For being nine when you wrote this, it's very good, and I do mean very good. I loved the repeating line that reminds us that "Once was an angel". Some might not like that approach, and it doesn't always work, but in this case, it worked fine for me. There are a couple of lines you may want to look at in this though.

1. Who always seen over me The usage of 'seen' in this line is not correct. As currently worded, the word 'saw' should be used. I don't think you want that word though, but if you want to keep seen, you need to reword this some. A small suggestion would be Who was always seein' over me I know it's not seen, but it does work fine without changing the flow of the poem.


2. With her loving memory, will always live on You should delete the first word in this line. It will make more sense, and flow just fine still.




Sum1

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** Image ID #1840790 Unavailable **
721
721
Review of God's Telephone  
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Nixie,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review forum and thought I'd drop by to honor this occasion, your 1st WDC Anniversary!

         Wow, what can I say? Do you like making grown men cry as they read a story? *Smile* I didn't cry really, until I told a friend about it, then I lost it. Amazing, an absolutely amazing story. I feel privileged to have read it, thank you. I did see that in some paragraphs, you missed using the {indent} command to indent the first line. That is very minor of course and I'm surprised I noticed that, because your story grabbed me and wouldn't let me go. Once again, Happy WDC Anniversary!



Sum1

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** Image ID #1840790 Unavailable **
722
722
Review of Busted  
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Pepper,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop by to honor this occasion, your 3rd WDC Anniversary!

         You should be ashamed of yourself for trying to use your unborn child, and yourself as a way of making your husband not mad at you! *Smile* (Actually, if I was a woman, I might have tried the same thing.) Your story brought a smile to my face, I could imagine how your husband felt about being pulled over and arrested for running a red light. I'm not sure I'd have been as calm as he was though. Maybe you should have taken him for some ice cream (or whatever you craved, being pregnant) as a way to cool him down. Thanks for the humorous read, and once again, Happy WDC Anniversary.



Sum1

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** Image ID #1840790 Unavailable **
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Review of Ice cream night  
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Lady Gypsy,
         When I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review forum, I knew who should be the featured Anniversary Reviewer. *Smile* Happy 4th WDC Anniversary!

         The title for this story caught my eye, and I had to read it. "Been there, done that." is all I can say about this. I think anyone who has raised children has experienced a night something like this. I did find myself wondering why you'd all go out for ice cream only to take it home. I know you wanted to take some home to grandma, but it seems you could have sat there and enjoyed it first, then ordered some for grandma and taken it to her. But, you know better than I do why you did that. *Smile* I thought some of your sentences tended to run on a bit, but that's a minor thing easily fixed. I do have a little feedback for you on this.



Title:  Excellent for this story.



Description:  Was it hubby who wanted the night out? Or you, since you were the one who drove? *Smile*




General Comments:  

1. Tonight was one of those nights, what we had planned was not what we had in store. It seems you should have a semi-colon after nights, and a comma after planned.

2. My hubby and I know we have little time left with our girls before they are totally grown and out of the house, well all but the little one who is only seven but the other two seventeen and fifteen are slipping out of our hands with each passing moment. This is one of those run on sentences. It should be at least two sentences really, maybe something like this. My hubby and I know we have little time left with our girls before they are totally grown and out of the house. With the youngest being just seven, we have enough time still. But with the two oldest at seventeen and fifteen, time is slipping out of our hands with each passing moment.

3. Only did we remember why we don’t take all the girls at once to do anything together after we were almost there. This one really reads roughly. I think a minor wording change would help it. Only after we were almost there did we remember why we don’t take all the girls at once to do something together.

4. Now don’t get me wrong, I am proud of my girls and can spend two hours and two hundred pages on why that is but at time I wonder why I did not drown them when they were still puppies to save my life, ok that is not true but funny all the same. This sentence really runs on, and needs a little editing. Perhaps this would help. Now don’t get me wrong, I am proud of my girls and can spend two hours and two hundred pages on why that is. But at time, I was so frustrated that I wondered why I didn't stop after having the first one.

5. Ordering their favorite treats then ours plus one for my mom who stayed at home the woman taking the orders wanted nothing more than for our order to be over and us out of there. This sentence also runs on, and can be edited into two or three sentences. My mother has stayed at home, so we ordered their favorite treats then ours, plus one for my mom. With the girls still arguing, it seemed the woman taking the orders wanted nothing more than for our order to be over and us out of there.

6. With the girls in the back still acting like the world was about to come to an end over a flash light, the hubby shaking his head and the ice cream in hand I drove off wanting nothing more than to be home with my computer and a nice cup of coffee, on ice of course, and work on my next chapter. This one needs a bit of re-wording also. Finally we had our order, and headed home. The girls in the back were still acting like the world was about to come to an end over a flash light, and hubby was shaking his head in disgust. But with ice cream in hand, I drove off wanting nothing more than to be home with my computer, a nice cup of coffee (on ice of course), and work on my next chapter.

7. Those same girls that were fighting in the car, acting like they would never be any more then strangers living under the same roof started acting like sisters again. Then should be than. You need a comma after roof.

8. Laughing at the way grandma wanted the banana split I got instead of the blizzard I got her, then how the middle daughter’s boyfriend always showed up when food was around, which he was there by then too. This sentence needs a little minor editing. Something like this might work for you. They were laughing at grandma and I, she wanted the banana split I had instead of the blizzard I got her. No one was surprised when the middle daughter’s boyfriend showed up, it seems he did that whenever food was around.




Overall impressions:  A very cute story of a family night out. Isn't it amazing how sisters can fight one minute, then be best friends again the next?


Sum1

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** Image ID #1840790 Unavailable **
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724
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Prosperous Snow,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 10th WDC Anniversary!

         The plot here is very good, I love the idea of someone being 'exchanged' in the fog. Your characters were very casual in their actions and dialog, lending to a nice, comfortable read. I think you might want to clarify a few things for consistency (noted below in my comments), as well as making the plot and storyline that much stronger. I do have a few comments for you on it.



Title:  While this is very good for your story, it seems to be almost identical to the description below it. A small change to it might help, but that's up to you.



Description:  This could be a little stronger, but it's okay as it is.



Grammar:  You have a couple of minor, very minor grammatical errors that are noted below.




My Favorite Part:  The middle of the story, when Rhea is in the other 'realm'.





General Comments:  

1. I could tell, just by the way they giggled they did not notice anything unusual about the fog. It seems the word 'that' is missing between giggled, and they.

2. “What makes you think that, Rhea” the tone in his voice changed lowered to almost a whine. You need a question mark after Rhea, since he's asking her a question, and a comma after changed.

3. “You only call me Sweet Heart or Honey when you’ve did something to upset me and I don’t think you’ve said or did anything like that for the past week.” It seems 'did' should be done. It reads better with done used.

4. “Rhea,” he sighed and laid is fishing rod on the pier, I think you left the 'h' off in his. Is should be his.

5. That was six months ago, I caress my belly and sing to the child, Jonah’s child, growing within my womb. I wonder what type of exchange Jonah will make for us, if we decided to go back to Earth.

“Well, Rhea,” Jonah’s father comes up behind me, “have you decided whether you want to go back or not. Lord Ellis tells me the fog will return tonight. If an exchange is made it must be made then.”

“How much time has passed on Earth since the last exchange?” Decided should be decide. In the first part, you tell us six months has passed, but then she asks how much time has passed on Earth. I agree that time in one realm may not pass at the same rate as another, but this part just leads to confusion on the readers part. Jonah 'exchanged' Rhea for his father, or at least that's what seemed to be his intention that night. Yet Jonah's father is still there in this other realm with Rhea. That implies Jonah doesn't control who comes and goes in the fog, but it's not explained that well in your story. If you were limited by a word count limit for a contest, you might want to consider expanding on that idea now.

6. “I don’t know no one knows for sure. You need a comma after know.




Overall impressions:  A very good story that could use a little very minor tweaking/editing.


Sum1

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** Image ID #1840790 Unavailable **
725
725
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Judity,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 7th WDC Anniversary!

         You are obviously a person who loves fine chocolate. *Smile* Your descriptions of each candy was superb, and had me wanting to enjoy a few pieces myself. Yes, I'm a chocoholic too. But I'm a greedy chocoholic, or shall I say a piggy one. I think your character took too long eating each piece, I'd have gobbled them down much quicker. But you described her reactions so nicely, I found myself wanting to hurry and read faster, so I could experience the next piece with her. I did see one thing you might want to look at in this story though.


1. Soon, though, the candy and the memories were both gone, leaving her wanting more. It doesn't seem that you need the comma after soon.

         If you like, I have a chocolate recipe I'll share with you. It's not just chocolate, it had Butterscotch in it, as well as Peanut Butter, and maple flavoring. Needs to be kept chilled, but it's decadently rich. *Smile*



Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


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