Dear Emerson,
I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 6th WDC Anniversary!
I have to say, your story is very interesting, but it is incomplete. I like the plot and premise, it held my interest throughout. However, it is incomplete and full of holes. You start out quickly, then seem to get bogged down in the middle. You leave the reader hanging at the end, looking for answers that aren't coming. I will mention a couple of the holes.
a. Where did Seth's wife learn to kill men? At the end she's going to 'go kill him', but where/how did she learn this skill? This would be excellent fill in for the story, and help the reader understand what's going on.
b. What the heck happened between the time she was fifteen and the present? She killed her father, you tell us that, but why? To be with her mother? This is a woman with a warped personality, and Seth would have noticed small things that would tip him off that something was going on. If not, then the man is totally blind to what goes on around him.
c. Why did the road disappear when Theresa looked at the ship the first time? Was there a time warp or something? You sort of imply that, but then really blow it off.
d. Why did Esteban disappear when he did?
e. Wouldn't her father question where the medallion came from, and want to visit the ship himself?
You can see the questions that came to me, and I'm sure they have come to other readers too.
In posting something on line, you should double space paragraphs. You do that some, but many paragraphs are not double spaced. Additionally, if you use the {indent} command in WritingML on WDC, you can indent the first line and give the story a more professional appearance. I do have specific comments on your story too.
Title: Excellent for this story, but the holes in it really detract from it's impact.
Description: This could be better, it's okay, but doesn't do much to draw in potential readers.
General Comments:
1. At the start of your story, Seth overcomes the man in the black jacket. After finding the medallion, he sort of 'interrogates' the man and finds out he is retired USMC. If this man is good at disappearing, as well as a former Marine, it seems implausible that Seth would have been able to overcome him so easily.
2. When Seth gets home and initially talks to his wife, the dialog seems stilted and not very natural. What I mean is that he just met a man a few minutes ago, saw a note telling the man to give the woman in the house the medallion in exchange for money, drop off the money, then kill the woman. He arrives at his house, and seems enraged at his wife, yet it seems he would not be so angry at this point. It's almost as if he's going off the deep end on her without really knowing what's going on. Should he be concerned? Of course! But this angry? It doesn't seem likely.
3. “I guess I should start from the beginning. When I was fifteen This is an incomplete sentence, is missing the period at the end, as well as closing quotation marks.
4. Most took some time off to teach or do some work closer to home but her dad had said ever since her mother’s death that the only home they had was each other and luckily they carried that with them where ever they roamed. Where ever should be one word. You use it correctly in the next sentence, but have the two words separated here.
5. Theresa got out and turned round looking for any sign of anything other than vegetation. Since you use the word 'anything' in this sentence, you shouldn't use 'any' right before it.
6. Theresa did as she was bid, resenting the fact that he had called her a little girl but deciding not to voice her indignation. You need a comma after girl.
7. She parted the upside down curtain of thick and looked on a sight that would have made her dad run in circles and shout. You seem to be missing a word after thick in this sentence.
8. In chapter 3, Seth's anger continues, and I just don't get it. The dialog is good, but I still don't see why he's so angry. It might just be me being me, as I like to say, but I really don't think a man would be this angry at his wife so quickly.
9. No shut up and let me finish my story” No should be now. You are missing a period at the end of this sentence.
10. She hoped here fate would not be the same. Here should be her.
11. Wow! What a jump in the story line in chapter 4. It's almost like you lost focus here. You knew where you wanted the story to go, but had no idea how to get it there. The place I'm thinking of is this.
She knew now that her dad had to expel that grief. She would help him, tell him he had to cry. Tell him he couldn’t run forever.
In the following years her dad had never been happier. They settled down in a nice little apartment in New York and her dad took a job as a professor at the University and even met someone new. They had grown close as a family once her dad was remarried and she knew that even though it hurt her mother to see her husband with someone else she was happy for him and her little girl.
12. No that doesn’t mean that the time I’ve been with you hasn’t been great but it just wasn’t complete now it will be.” You need a comma after 'No', and one after complete.
13. I guess I’ll have to go kill him now, but remind me to ask him how he disappeared that day,” This sentence needs a period at the end, not a comma.
Overall impressions: A decent story that would be so much better if the author can fill in the numerous holes in it.
Sum1
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You had me smiling at this, while I haven't quite put my foot in my mouth quite this well, I've done it many times. You relate this as if we were talking, but you do quote both yourself, and her supervisor. Since that's the case, you should start each line of dialog (from a different person) as a new paragraph. Thanks for making me smile.
My review has been submitted for consideration in "
There's no excuse, but this past weekend was pretty busy for me. Even so, I thought I'd come by and send you anniversary wishes a couple of days late.