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3,158 Public Reviews Given
3,206 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Casual for the most part. I will point out errors I see and offer suggested corrections. I like to focus on the content and formatting of the item. I love providing helpful comments and feedback that may improve the item if acted on.
I'm good at...
I like to provide suggestions to the author on things I see that may need a second look. I'm not afraid to do a little research to verify a poem's format, or the contents of a story (if requested).
Favorite Genres
Mystery, Horror, Sci-Fi, Comedy, and Suspense
Least Favorite Genres
Honestly, I will read anything if asked. I just prefer those listed above.
Favorite Item Types
Short stories, novellas, books (though a review of that may take days/weeks due to my schedule), Poetry of any format.
Least Favorite Item Types
I find non-structured poetry difficult to review, unless there is a short disclaimer about this non-structure that would help in understanding the reason it's in that particular format.
I will not review...
I'm not interested in Vore, In and Out's, Growing/Shrinking, or other items that are similar to one of these.
Public Reviews
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626
626
Review of Gone  
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Dear MysteryAuthor,
         I found your poem to be a bit moving as you describe your loneliness and losing one you loved (for whatever reason). This is good, but it's very raw. What I mean by that is, I your talent in this, but it needs a little editing TLC as I call it. First, it seems this 'wants to rhyme', yet at the same time, it's a free verse poem. The beauty of free verse is that it's just that, free verse. As such, it doesn't have to follow a format. Format in that lines are all close to the same syllable count, or an ABAB (or AABB) rhyme scheme, etc. If you choose to keep this free verse, I would state that at the start, or in the description. Here's what I mean. Your current description is this, This poem was inspired by other people's work, but all of it is mine. Well heck, that statement is true for everything we write if you ask me. So tell the readership of WDC what caused you to write this. Perhaps something like, A lost love, like the leaves that fall to the ground each autumn. (By the way, that's pretty corny if you ask me, but hopefully you get the idea.) A description should be used to pull people in to read your work. So tell the membership of WDC why they would want to read this. You have 90 characters to do it, so watch your words. *Smile*

         Now about this rhyming. You could do it easily, and some is already done (cry/lie, him/grim, fall/all, etc) If I may be so bold, here's a small sample of what you could do to improve this a little.

Gone

Every night, I still cry.
In my bed, there I lie.
When I think about him,
I'm very happy, but grim.
Our love was like leaves in the fall,
So bright, before they lose it all.
And every night, I dream.
He is there,or so it seems.
And in the morn when I awake,
I see near me no smiling face.
So here I lie, all alone.
Much like him, when he left home.


Notice I centered it on the page using WritingML (The toolbar at the top of your form has the same buttons on it that MicrosoftWord has). Secondly, I added a couple of words, cut a couple of words, and combined a line here or there, and included the title in the body of the poem. Like I said, minor editing TLC. *Smile* It's a start, see what you can write for us next time. *Bigsmile*


Sum1

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627
627
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Rachael,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 11th WDC Anniversary!

         I found your thesis very interesting to read. At first it bounced around quite a bit, yet I could see it's focus still. What I mean that, is that at first you discussed good vs. evil in the first paragraph (along with lack of control by man), then moved to unanswered questions by many scholars, to today's world and the killing that is occurring at an alarming rate in the next three paragraphs. After that you went to the story of Adam and Eve in the Qur'an and how they were 'contaminated' by Satan. This led back to the good vs. evil idea in the first paragraph. I think you might have been better served to start it with the thought of today's world, then backtrack (if you will), to how we got there, and why. This way it's a natural, and logical flow of thought to your thesis. I did see a couple of small things you may want to look at.

1. I believe, we, each and every human being, are but extenssions of Adam and Eve. First, there's too many commas at the start of this sentence. This can easily be corrected by deleting the words 'we', and 'each', and 'and'. It would then read, I believe, every human being is but an extension of Adam and Eve. Notice the minor wording change, and the correction of a minor spelling issue.

2. Thousands if not millions of years, have passed since the beginning of that story, during which we, human beings, were supposed to have learned only one thing, the difference between Good and Evil, but we forgot the purpose of our presence in this realm, when we focused on making our stay here more pleasant and comfortable. If you are a student of the Qur'an, Bible, or any religious material, then you would not say 'millions' of years. If I'm not mistaken, the Bible (I've not read the Qur'an at all, and am not a Bible scholar) would tell us that it's just a few thousand years since Adam and Eve appeared on Earth. But the real thing with this line, is that it's long and wordy. You might try breaking it into at least two, if not three sentences.

3. Not all of your paragraphs are double spaced from the previous one. Here's one example.

We evolved from the state of total ignorance of a child about his surroundings, to our present day mastery of science and technology, but very few in fact, have evolved inwardly.
We have created space shuttles, hydrogen, and nuclear bombs, we have cloned animals, and are about to start manufacturing human-like beings, but are still ignorant of the very purpose for which we are here.

         Overall, a very interesting read, one that caused me to stop and ponder things a little. Overall, I agree with your assessment of mankind. I too think we've forgotten our true purpose in the world, and all too often push our own views on others in an attempt to dominate them.



Sum1

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628
628
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Sue,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 6th WDC Anniversary!

         Didn't they just name a movie after you? "Despicable Me"? *Smile* I can't blame you, I'd have done the same thing with that spider. Except, I'm quite afraid of them too. Not quite like your sister, but still, you're not getting me to catch one, unless I'm supervising from a distance, and can watch with binoculars! Seriously though, this is nice. I loved the flow of it, and could see the 'end' coming. I think you're lucky to be alive today. *Laugh* Well done!



Sum1

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629
629
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Kaysnrach,
         First, thank, you for honoring me with a review request for this beautiful story. I will tell you up front that I'm giving it a *Star**Star**Star**Star**Star* rating, not because it's perfect, but because of the power and beauty in it. It reminded me of one of the first stories I read here on WDC, "Crooked Creek" . You will like that one, I'm positive. Now, on to the review. Before I forget, let me also wish you a Happy 1st WDC Anniversary!

         Wow, let me find a way to clear my vision here so I can type. What a powerful, wonderful, moving story. In the early going, I was a bit thrown off as you tried to show John's sarcastic outlook on things, his sort of 'flippant', 'devil-may-care' attitude. I thought the story was too serious for those little interjections. Here's an example of what I'm talking about. I passed close to Phillipe in the bike lane on my left, brushing his handlebar with my side-view mirror. Just kidding. You have a special story here, to me small things like that detract from the emotional content of it. I bet you can get across his sarcasm or devil-may-care attitude without having those little things in the story.

         I loved the flow of this, I knew that his chance meeting with Lucy was the real story within the story. I found myself wishing I could have met her too. You managed to convey her appearance to me, small, frail, yet stronger than many people near her. She had a larger than life 'will' to see things in a good light, could make people smile for no reason, and just seemed to brighten the day by being part of it.

         There are many places where you use conjunctions (mainly 'and') to start a sentence, or an unnecessary word as you showed John's sarcastic side again. Here's another example. Anyway, I set the magazine back down as she gracefully descended the grand staircase dressed in a long flowing gown, the room immediately transforming in her presence. I don't think you need the word 'anyway' here, it's unnecessary. Look this over some, you'll find at least 6-7 more places you do this. Like I said, you have a beautiful story here, a very powerful one, and for me, these little things detracted from it. I have some specific comments about it that are detailed below.



Title:  When I started reading this, I wondered at the title. But it fits the story perfectly.



Description:  This too I found a little off at first, but it does fit decently well. I think you can do better, and also feel that you need to mention Lucy here. Something like, "A haunted man looks at life sarcastically, until he meets a young girl who changes him forever." (Too long, it's 95 characters, but you get the idea).




My Favorite Part:  John taking Lucy to the beach. It was something she needed, and something he wanted to do deep inside.





General Comments:  

1. With the windows down I was enjoying the mild-weather breeze, and I was already feeling like the air contained more oxygen, I mean, has the sun always put off so much light? This is a bit of a run-on sentence. You might want to see if you can break it up a little.

2. After my early retirement from the force, which is another story in itself, and then my brief military career, I was turned on to my present job by my good friend Larry Marcum. You have told us he's 32, so an 'early retirement' from the police force, and a brief military career don't seem plausible. Maybe place the military career first, then a short stint as a police officer that ended too soon because.... (You know why he left the force, and don't need to tell the reader. But you can get the point across still I'm sure.)

3. She was fuming silently, thank God, and I dropped the car into gear and we headed out of the parking lot. For some reason, thank God doesn't seem to belong here (I know, it's another way to show his wit and sarcasm, but still). I think you can delete those two words and change 'and' to 'so'.

4. “Whaddya doin’ here?” I looked down to where the voice had come from. This is the only paragraph that is indented at all, the rest are left justified to the margin of the story. This is a personal preference thing, but I like using the          } command to indent the first line of each paragraph, in addition to the double space you give each one.

5. It read; Got my stuff, give Beiber a couple of Tylenol in the morning. Since you are quoting his note here, you should either have this in quotation marks, or maybe italics.

6. I nodded. “I sort of experienced that yesterday.” A couple of lines before this, he told her mother that they met yesterday. Using the same word in such a short space seems a little redundant. I don't think you need it again really.

7. Even though the breeze was cool as I stood in the sand next to the pier in the darkness, I didn’t care. The wording here seems to be a little off. I'm no English major (it was my worst subject in school, lol), but you can word this better. Maybe something like this. I stood in the sand next to the pier. It was very dark, the breeze was cool, but I didn't care.




Overall impressions:  I was absolutely blown away by this story. Lucy was an extremely phenomenal character, very believable. Pairing her and John together in the story worked very well.


Sum1

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630
630
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Two of four
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 11th WDC Anniversary!

         This is an interesting monologue you've written. Interesting in that it leaves me wondering what you are really like. You've done an excellent job of telling us about you, without giving any details whatsoever. What I mean is that every one of your descriptions about yourself is general in nature. Yet every one of your comments makes a curious person want to know more. I guess an example would be thoughts like this:

1. In reading this, and browsing your bio and such, I'm not certain if you're male, or female.

2. Your general comments in this doesn't let us know if you like music at all, and if you do, your favorite group or era.

3. How about a favorite color?

4. Where do you live? Favorite food?

         Not that I need or expect answers to these thoughts and questions. The intent of your monologue was probably to be just what you wanted it to be, enigmatic. Make the reader wonder, make them ponder things. And that's fine. I for one, found it interesting. *Smile*



Sum1

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631
631
Review of A View To Die For  
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear ShadowGirl,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 2nd WDC Anniversary!

         Your story started off nicely, and ended with a bang! But isn't there a rule about leaving your readers hanging?? You hinted at things early on when you mentioned that as long as the towers were running, everything was fine.
Then you seemed to move on, and had Seth appear to 'go mad'. But robots don't just go mad, something has to happen in their programming. So your main character scrambles down the mountain, falls, tears skin from his own robotic arm, then watches as the lights slowly go out one by one. And that's where you leave us hanging. It would be nice to have them fleshed out a little more, giving us a few more details about what's really going on. The end of the world? Sounds like it from the hints you gave us, but a little more background knowledge would help. I did see a couple of things you might want to look at in this.



1. To aid in on line reading, it is thought best to double space paragraphs. Additionally, you could use the {{indent} command in WritingML to indent the first line of each paragraph should you choose. This also helps the story to look better to a reader.

2. Like the rest of Britain, he’d become accustomed to seeing these large, metal monstrosities, and like the rest of Britain, he’d become a victim to them. Using 'like the rest of Britain' twice in close succession detracts from what you're really saying.



         You have a good story here, but I think a little bit more detail would really help. Plus, it's a good start, but being a little longer would make this a much better story.




Sum1

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632
632
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Jeremy,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 1st WDC Anniversary!

         You know, you have a good talent here, one that should be nourished and encouraged. Your poem is very good,but does need a minor tweak here or there. I notice you haven't logged on since January, it would be nice to see you on here more often, be more active so you can improve that talent by interacting with others here. My comments on your poem are thus:

1. add the title to the body of the poem. Right now it's only in the title of the item in your port.

2. I would center the poem on the page. I think poetry reads, and looks better when centered. That of course, assumes it doesn't follow a set pattern that wouldn't look best centered. But being mainly rhyming quatrains, it could be centered and look good. *Smile* Use the center command in WritingML, the tool bar at the top of your item will help, it's just like the one in Microsoft Word.

3. Speaking of rhyming quatrains, your first two verses are just that, yet the third has six lines. Can you add two more lines and make it three verses, all four lines in length? If not, could you cut a couple of the longer lines here into separate lines, and end up with eight.

4. You last line is very good, but maybe a minor wording change would help, and make it a stronger read.

realizing in all this time, all that I have learned, I have not learned at all.

realizing in all this time, all that I have learned,
I have learned nothing at all.

Here's an idea of how your poem would look centered (with a few minor wording changes to help it flow smoother)

All That I Have Learned

I was eighteen, maybe nineteen, either or;
My age didn't matter, just what I was looking for.
I was looking for answers, most I thought I had.
But in one quick moment I lost all that I had nabbed.

So young, yet we think that we are so old.
Capable of anything, or so we are told.
Looking back I laugh at myself being so callow.
Naive, stubborn and green, I was just a pup of a fellow.

Ten years later, I've not conquered my dreams,
I've gained some knowledge, become humble it seems.
For the young man who was so smart and bold,
whom always took with a grain of salt what he was told,

Is staring at the clock on the wall,
realizing in all this time,
all that I have learned,
I have learned nothing at all.


Just a thought is all. *Smile*



Sum1

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633
633
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Wenderoo!
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 11th WDC Anniversary!

         You write a very cute poem here about your daughter's fear of water. Hopefully she's overcome that by now. I remember those days, except that one of my children loved the water, she was a fish! I can see your daughter though, the fear in her eyes. So many children are like that when learning to swim. I do have a couple of comments for you on it.

1. You should include the title in the body of the poem, not in just the posting.

2. I think this would look better centered on the page.

3. In the first and third paragraph, you refer to your swimming suit. In a poem this short, it stands out. I'm wondering if you want to find a substitute for one of them.




Sum1

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634
634
Review of Keep on Believing  
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Lonely,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 6th WDC Anniversary!

         Your poem speaks of encouragement to anyone who may be feeling a bit down. Your advice is general in nature, yet always hopeful and uplifting. I love how each verse ends in one word that strengthens it, and brings one thought home each time. However, I do think there are a couple of minor things you could do to make this an even stronger poem.

1. I would 'bold' that one word in each verse. Try it and see what you think. What stands out right now, would be strengthened even more just by doing that.

2. A couple of your second line are much longer than the others. You might consider making them two lines. Example -

When you're hearing your thoughts of violence and pain
in these times of segregated evil,
know that yours aren't the only tears cried in despair.
You're not alone - UNITE

3. This line seems to read a little 'off'; I think one minor wording change would help it a lot.

but instead reach that hand out in kindness.

but instead reach out that hand in kindness.

4. This is the only verse where you use the capitalized word twice in the verse, you might consider changing that.

Help the few trying to make change
instead of assisting the many working towards chaos.
Take charge - CHANGE

5. I think the final verse does a nice job of closing the poem. I know its length is a bit longer than the other verses, and that helps it stand out. But maybe you can add another verse, each line ending in one of the bolded words. Maybe something like this (just a minor suggestion)

Everyone's important, so with friends - UNITE.
Never give up, never submit - DREAM.
Don't suffocate, live freely, create - CHANGE,
Live life as if it's the all you have - LOVE,
If you find yourself down at all - LAUGH
But whatever you do in life, find bliss, and - LIVE

         Now that I look at it, I'm not so sure, but it's a thought. *Smile*




Sum1

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635
635
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear WW
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 6th WDC Anniversary!

         First and foremost, before the review part, please accept my sincere condolences on the loss of your mother. Having lost my mother in April, 3 days before her 93rd birthday, I can appreciate your feeling of loss. So, I feel it's only appropriate to review something about you and your mother.

         I have read your comedy newsletter's for three years now, and they never fail to make me smile, and at times, out right laugh. Your story is very cute, and while I've never had an experience quite like this, I can relate. (Only been in a casino once in my life for that matter). The minute you mentioned the bucket you'd all been given, I knew what was going to happen. Sad to say, that might be me today, and that's why I avoid casino's! I loved the flow of this, you created quite an image in my mind of your mother chasing you through the casino to the car. I do have a couple of comments for you on it.


1. Steve is moving the car and we have got to leave before we get socked for another day’s parking fee. You don't need the word 'got' in this line, it's redundant to have. (I'm not an English major by any means, so I can't write the technical jargon here about why it's not correct to use 'have got' together) *Smile*

2. “my bucket, my bucket, give it back!” Since this is the beginning of your mothers dialog, the first 'my' should be capitalized.

3. Another crisis had been averted. I barely escaped fallout from the elder-bus patrons and casino hopping retirees shaking their fists in the air and yelling for some youthful casino worker to apprehend me. It seems to me that these two lines would read better if you reversed them. I barely escaped fallout from the elder-bus patrons and casino hopping retirees shaking their fists in the air and yelling for some youthful casino worker to apprehend me. Another crisis had been averted.


Sum1

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636
636
Review of Grandpa, Tell Me  
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Sara,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 6th WDC Anniversary!

         I love things that are innovative, different, but well written. Your story does not disappoint. I loved the song titles you used, even if I didn't recognize some of them. And you know, listing the titles, singers, and year released (if possible) would help the younger folk relate to this a bit more. *Smile* I have a poem in my port that I wrote just for fun, based on song titles too. (It feels so good, so take a chance on me). I bet you had a lot of fun writing this, and I think you might like to enter Princess Zelda 's current contest; write a poem using emoticons. Thank you for the entertaining read.



Sum1

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637
637
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 2nd WDC Anniversary!

         You say a lot in a very short space with this story. The action is good and steady, a bit fast paced. But it comes off well because it's such a short story. I'm not sure about the star in the sky though; if it was an alien ship, it seems the house would have been wiped out completely and all occupants killed. If all it did was demolish the dining room and leave a crater, it would be a small ship. That could well be, but it doesn't seem quite right is all. I did see one thing you may want to look at in this story.


1. Come eat or we’ll be late for the party at the Robertson’s house!” You are missing the opening quotation marks in this line.



Sum1

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638
638
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Dear Edword,
         You definitely have a way with words. I was a little surprised to see this classified as 'Other', and not as humor. Unless I read this wrong, and wasn't supposed to see humor (Humour?) in it. *Smile* You have a fixation on certain things, and that's good. Things like Sedentary (though in your example of a sedentary earth, did you mean sedimentary?), Plethora, Neptune, and Nuance. Unless of course, these were just words that got you writing and out of the block. I did see a few things in this that you may want to look at.



Title:  Excellent for this article.



Description:  Loved your description.



My Favorite Part:  The use and explanations each word you emphasized in this article.




General Comments:  

1. I fact, it can actively force a thought right into your head! It seems the 'I' that starts this line should be In.

2. It's true Jerry Seinfeld, along with the great Larry David, created a whole show about "nothing." It seems to me that a comma is needed after true. At least that's how I read it when I came to this line.

3. The word plethora is not only "something," it's may things. Looks like 'may' should be 'many'.

4. "Come over here and look at this plethora." "We have a problem on our hands". When you use dialog, a new paragraph should be used for new speakers. You either have two speakers in this line, or need to correct your use of quotation marks

5. "Yes, that's it, just get em on the phone, hurry; I've never seen anything like this before." I think they're from Neptune.' Another area of quotation marks that need to be looked at

6. "Would you please pass the plethora?" Every other paragraph is indented at least a couple of spaces, but not this one.




Overall impressions:  I found this to be pretty humorous, an enjoyable read on a quiet night. *Smile*


Sum1

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639
639
Review of Fifty things  
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Mrs. Whatsit,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 7th WDC Anniversary!

         Had to read this one after crediting a review of it in the "Anniversary Reviews" . Love it really! You have a unique sense of humor, and it comes through in some of these. I have a bucket list, but it's not really written anywhere. Some of yours I've done, some I have no desire to do. Those I've done are: 1, 13, 16, 17, 21, 23, 24, 31, 32, 34, 37, 43, 44, 46, and 49. Plus, I've done some of the things you have no desire to do. Number 5 is first, but not anymore for me, I feel the same way you do about that place. I really enjoy number 6, eating Sushi. Can't imagine ever not eating it, but I know it's only been in the last 10 years that I started enjoying it. Guess those are the only two, lol. Excellent list, I hope you complete most, if not all of these!



Sum1

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640
640
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Mrs. Whatsit,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 7th WDC Anniversary!

         You tell a very interesting story here. The plot flowed well, and was told in a manner as if we were sitting by a fireside together telling stories. *Smile* But writing it like that does tend to leave a few small areas for improvement. I loved the idea of this, I remember days like this from my youth, but we weren't quite that adventurous. I do have a few comments for you on it.


Title:  Very good, but I think the word find should be replaced. Not sure with what, but something along the lines of "Widow McAllister's Secret"



Description:  Very good for the story



Grammar:  There are places where you drop into a sort of teenage grammar, where the rest of the story is not. So it left me going back and forth on should I comment or not on this or that. I ended up commenting, and will let you decide if it needs changed or not.




My Favorite Part:  Finding the sword of course. *Smile*





General Comments:  

1. His older brothers, Soupy and Spunky, had learn to stay far away from all of his mess after he talked them into looking through Mr. Webber's cornfield for the still he supposedly hid out there. Learn should be learned.

2. Soupy still has the scar on his hindquarters from getting shot at when Mr. Webber's dog found them and started barking. You don't need the word 'at' in this sentence.

3. Because of how it all turned out. I know this ties to the previous sentence and describes things yet to happen, but as written it is an incomplete sentence.

4. His family had money, this golden sword had come down in their family from some ancester that had been in the American Revolution. Ancester should be ancestor

5. Now, she used to like to do beadwork when she was alive. Again, this ties to the previous line, but as written, it is an incomplete sentence.



Overall impressions:  A good story of adventure, three young boys, and an inherent desire to find a treasure.


Sum1

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641
641
Review of How now brown cow  
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Elaine,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 12th WDC Anniversary!

         Very short, very cute. I could see the cow standing there as the man appeared to lose his mind (gone batty). Your rhyme scheme was excellent, the flow very good. Not sure how you could improve this, but it does seem you could insert the word 'had' in the last line (because he had stepped in a cow patty). Thanks for bringing a smile to my face this morning. *Smile*




Sum1

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642
642
Review of Light  
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Katrina,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 3rd WDC Anniversary!

         It's only fitting that my first Anniversary Review for June go to you honey. *Smile* Happy THIRD WDC Anniversary!

         You know I love your stories, love how you take a small idea, and weave it into a much larger story. This is one of those, and I love it. Having the lights touch each other, bringing back memories from her life was an excellent simile. But it does need a little editing TLC, but nothing major at all.




Title:  Perfect for this story.



Description:  Very good, but you might try to lengthen it a bit more to draw more readers in.



Grammar:  You have a tendency to mix up your wording sometimes, I have highlighted a couple of them for you.




My Favorite Part:  Her light passing on memories to the other lights.





General Comments:  

1. She sat up gradually becoming more aware of her surroundings as the cobwebs slowly cleared. I think this would be better worded as follows. As the cobwebs slowly cleared, she sat up and gradually became more aware of her surroundings.

2. Captivated by the beauty of what looked like hundreds of fireflies sparkling over the yard. This is an incomplete sentence, it lacks a subject. If you added 'She was' at the beginning of the sentence, it reads fine.

3. The moonlight illuminated the rolling fog over the lake, the heavenly stars twinkled above in the clear cloudless sky, and the points of light all over the yard, created a beautiful masterpiece in the silence of such a peaceful night.

4. These beloved ones, that had made such an impact on her life. You don't need a comma in this sentence.

5. She watched as her heart light floated in front of her, mesmerized by it. Again, a small wording change is possible here. Mesmerized, she watched as her heart light floated in front of her.




Overall impressions:  A beautiful story of a dream,or was it a dream at all?



Sum1

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643
643
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear LC,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 12th WDC Anniversary!

         I love poetry, love to write and read it, but sometimes find it hard to relate or read free verse. This is probably a personal thing with me, but in lines of poetry, it should be complete and not continue to the next line. But I loved the 'ladies' in your poem, and how they kicked their buckets. The only suggestion I would make, is that you used the words 'they were' in three consecutive lines, and 'they' four times in a row.




Sum1

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644
644
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Cuzzin Cecil,
         I thought I'd return the favor of a review, since you were so gracious to visit my port recently. I see you have a good sense of humor, and express it well in your writing. *Smile* Yes, I've been there too, that office that contains your life history, yet seems to hard to get anything out of. You described your surroundings very well, and in couple of cases too well, in this story. Rather than go through this and write every comment I can think of, I think I will give you some general thoughts on writing. Don't get me wrong, your story is good. But a little formatting help, a few minor editorial changes, and it would be much better. So, here goes.

1. In presenting the written word on line, it is sometimes best to double space paragraphs. Not only does it help a reader in identifying paragraphs (like they need to really?), but it does give a much more professional appearance to the story.

2. You might want to try using the {indent} command in WritingML here on WDC to indent the first line of each paragraph. Again, it the gives a story a much more professional appearance, and it does look a lot neater doing that. If you just type {indent} exactly as you see it at the start of the line, you'll see the line properly indented once you post your story (as my paragraphs are here in this review).

3. When writing dialog, use quotation marks (which you did). But when you describe your character's thought process or show them thinking, highlight that text in italics. Additionally, each time a person speaks, or you change which character is speaking, a new paragraph should be used.

4. You have a minor tendency to go into too much detail sometimes. Here's an example. I wind through the crowded parking lot eventually finding a space not numbered or reserved for special persons or special needs persons. I then splash through the puddles of the parking lot in the pouring rain as I grimly remind myself to replace the umbrella I left drying in the garage several days ago. In fact, the same day I presented the letter. Note also that the last sentence in this passage is an incomplete sentence.

         Overall, a pretty enjoyable read, and a nice way to start my day.


Sum1

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645
645
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Peysmom,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 8th WDC Anniversary!

         My my, you do a better job of putting your foot in mouth than I do, and that's pretty hard to do! *Smile* You had me smiling at this, while I haven't quite put my foot in my mouth quite this well, I've done it many times. You relate this as if we were talking, but you do quote both yourself, and her supervisor. Since that's the case, you should start each line of dialog (from a different person) as a new paragraph. Thanks for making me smile.




Sum1

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646
646
Review of BNMW Day  
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear AFaith,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 1st WDC Anniversary!

         There was no way I could let this day go by without visiting your port and reviewing something. Happy FIRST WDC Anniversary!

         I love the idea of going without makeup. I agree, girls (women) shouldn't be considered brave for doing that. I find the women I've been attracted to in my life wear very little makeup. I guess I've come to the opinion that makeup hides the real you, and I want to meet the person, not a body that is 'false'. I know there are other things you can think of also for women in general. How about being in charge when normally a bystander? Maybe leading a group discussion, or facilitating a meeting. I know it happens all the time in the business world, but how about in school? Either way, your idea is an excellent one.



Sum1

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647
647
Review of Lost in Thought  
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Professor Moriarty
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 7th WDC Anniversary!

         You have a nice start here, I'm a little surprised you couldn't (or didn't) come up with more than just the two lines to make it a lengthier poem. This is what came to me as I read it.

An overflow of emotions
Strikes the unprepared.
Like floating in an ocean,
With little I can share.

Tears flow rampant on my cheeks,
I don't know why she left.
I stood upon love's peak,
Now I'm so bereft.

         There's more there I'm sure, but it's your poem (or start of it), not mine. Maybe that will give you an idea or two. *Smile*




Sum1

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648
648
Review of Kite Chasing  
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Todd,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 2nd WDC Anniversary!

         Wow, you know how to write a story with little dialog! I was mesmerized as I read this, and almost forgot I was reviewing it. I have to say I don't agree with some of your analogies (baseball vs life for example), sports and life/death are far different, and putting them in the same context doesn't work for me. The part about the cat, I could relate to though, and agree completely. This flowed well, but you used analogies a lot to describe things, which made it seem like you rambled a bit. But it's a powerful story, hits the reader strongly if they get into it. It does need a little editing, but I forgot to note those down, but one sentence did hit me that I remembered to copy.


1. Because, at the end of the day, it’s the right thing for the team, and the manager, if he’s worth his salt, will shake your hand and give you a pat on the back when the inning is over, despite the extra run. You should have a semi-colon after team instead of a comma.




Sum1

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649
649
Review of The Medallion  
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Emerson,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 6th WDC Anniversary!

         I have to say, your story is very interesting, but it is incomplete. I like the plot and premise, it held my interest throughout. However, it is incomplete and full of holes. You start out quickly, then seem to get bogged down in the middle. You leave the reader hanging at the end, looking for answers that aren't coming. I will mention a couple of the holes.

a. Where did Seth's wife learn to kill men? At the end she's going to 'go kill him', but where/how did she learn this skill? This would be excellent fill in for the story, and help the reader understand what's going on.

b. What the heck happened between the time she was fifteen and the present? She killed her father, you tell us that, but why? To be with her mother? This is a woman with a warped personality, and Seth would have noticed small things that would tip him off that something was going on. If not, then the man is totally blind to what goes on around him.

c. Why did the road disappear when Theresa looked at the ship the first time? Was there a time warp or something? You sort of imply that, but then really blow it off.

d. Why did Esteban disappear when he did?

e. Wouldn't her father question where the medallion came from, and want to visit the ship himself?

         You can see the questions that came to me, and I'm sure they have come to other readers too.

         In posting something on line, you should double space paragraphs. You do that some, but many paragraphs are not double spaced. Additionally, if you use the {indent} command in WritingML on WDC, you can indent the first line and give the story a more professional appearance. I do have specific comments on your story too.



Title:  Excellent for this story, but the holes in it really detract from it's impact.



Description:  This could be better, it's okay, but doesn't do much to draw in potential readers.



General Comments:  

1. At the start of your story, Seth overcomes the man in the black jacket. After finding the medallion, he sort of 'interrogates' the man and finds out he is retired USMC. If this man is good at disappearing, as well as a former Marine, it seems implausible that Seth would have been able to overcome him so easily.

2. When Seth gets home and initially talks to his wife, the dialog seems stilted and not very natural. What I mean is that he just met a man a few minutes ago, saw a note telling the man to give the woman in the house the medallion in exchange for money, drop off the money, then kill the woman. He arrives at his house, and seems enraged at his wife, yet it seems he would not be so angry at this point. It's almost as if he's going off the deep end on her without really knowing what's going on. Should he be concerned? Of course! But this angry? It doesn't seem likely.

3. “I guess I should start from the beginning. When I was fifteen This is an incomplete sentence, is missing the period at the end, as well as closing quotation marks.

4. Most took some time off to teach or do some work closer to home but her dad had said ever since her mother’s death that the only home they had was each other and luckily they carried that with them where ever they roamed. Where ever should be one word. You use it correctly in the next sentence, but have the two words separated here.

5. Theresa got out and turned round looking for any sign of anything other than vegetation. Since you use the word 'anything' in this sentence, you shouldn't use 'any' right before it.

6. Theresa did as she was bid, resenting the fact that he had called her a little girl but deciding not to voice her indignation. You need a comma after girl.

7. She parted the upside down curtain of thick and looked on a sight that would have made her dad run in circles and shout. You seem to be missing a word after thick in this sentence.

8. In chapter 3, Seth's anger continues, and I just don't get it. The dialog is good, but I still don't see why he's so angry. It might just be me being me, as I like to say, but I really don't think a man would be this angry at his wife so quickly.

9. No shut up and let me finish my story” No should be now. You are missing a period at the end of this sentence.

10. She hoped here fate would not be the same. Here should be her.

11. Wow! What a jump in the story line in chapter 4. It's almost like you lost focus here. You knew where you wanted the story to go, but had no idea how to get it there. The place I'm thinking of is this.

She knew now that her dad had to expel that grief. She would help him, tell him he had to cry. Tell him he couldn’t run forever.

In the following years her dad had never been happier. They settled down in a nice little apartment in New York and her dad took a job as a professor at the University and even met someone new. They had grown close as a family once her dad was remarried and she knew that even though it hurt her mother to see her husband with someone else she was happy for him and her little girl.

12. No that doesn’t mean that the time I’ve been with you hasn’t been great but it just wasn’t complete now it will be.” You need a comma after 'No', and one after complete.

13. I guess I’ll have to go kill him now, but remind me to ask him how he disappeared that day,” This sentence needs a period at the end, not a comma.



Overall impressions:  A decent story that would be so much better if the author can fill in the numerous holes in it.


Sum1

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650
650
Review of PO'd  
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Jace,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 5th WDC Anniversary!

         You have a pretty unique sense of humor that makes a person smile as they read your thoughts. I think we've all been there, needing that bathroom break, and not a toilet in sight. I can relate well to your descriptions in this story. I remember driving from Seattle to Vancouver, BC, and about three miles from the Customs Checkpoint, I had to go badly. So bad, that seeing a rest area next to me (I'd missed the exit because like you in your story, I was stuck in the middle lanes), I stopped my rental car, asked some young guy coming from the restroom to move it for me if need be, and sped off to relieve myself. Wasn't worried about a car-jacking, there's no where he could have gone! Came back and found the car moved about 20 yards, and continued on. Thank you for bringing back a (not so) fond memory. Well written here, I loved it.



Sum1

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