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3,159 Public Reviews Given
3,207 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Casual for the most part. I will point out errors I see and offer suggested corrections. I like to focus on the content and formatting of the item. I love providing helpful comments and feedback that may improve the item if acted on.
I'm good at...
I like to provide suggestions to the author on things I see that may need a second look. I'm not afraid to do a little research to verify a poem's format, or the contents of a story (if requested).
Favorite Genres
Mystery, Horror, Sci-Fi, Comedy, and Suspense
Least Favorite Genres
Honestly, I will read anything if asked. I just prefer those listed above.
Favorite Item Types
Short stories, novellas, books (though a review of that may take days/weeks due to my schedule), Poetry of any format.
Least Favorite Item Types
I find non-structured poetry difficult to review, unless there is a short disclaimer about this non-structure that would help in understanding the reason it's in that particular format.
I will not review...
I'm not interested in Vore, In and Out's, Growing/Shrinking, or other items that are similar to one of these.
Public Reviews
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Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
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Dear Nikola,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 9th WDC Anniversary!

         I grew up in the southwestern US, so I was 'around' Native American's often. Unfortunately, I never appreciated their culture and knowledge until a bit later in life. Your story flows well, I loved the idea of Rob being punished by the pony statue in some way. It seemed appropriate. The idea of her leaving the pony with him was even more 'poetic justice'. A very enjoyable story, with a nice theme to it.




Sum1

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Review of The Eagle  
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Dear YellowRose,
         You do well in writing poetry, you convey a message in everything you write. This is beautiful, yet could be a lot stronger, and more beautiful. I can tell in your poem how close you feel to nature, and to the 'original' Americans, those who lived here long before white men came to this part of the world. So show us a little more about the majestic eagle. *Smile* Why are they disappearing? What color are they? How big? Do they hunt? If so, what? How do they hunt, how about their babies? There's a lot you could tell here to bring home your point is all. Of course, that might require a bit of research, and I don't know how comfortable you are looking things up on the internet, etc. Either way, I liked this poem for it's message, and for the small glimpse you gave us in to something you feel strongly about. *Bigsmile*




Sum1

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Review of Max's story prt 1  
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (1.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Luk,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 1st WDC Anniversary!

         I will try to be positive in this review, but to be honest, you need to examine how you write, look at other people's writings, both professional, and on WDC. Examples of things you need to do in editing this story:

1. Use a new paragraph each time someone new speaks. In your story, it is impossible to know who's talking.

2. All singular usages of I require capitalization.

3. The first word of each sentence needs to be capitalized.

4. Use proper grammar, dialog, and punctuation when writing. Examples from your story are:

         a. luk: "Nope there is no trainer iin qany of these trees." There are a number of things wrong in this simple sentence. Luk should be capitalized. You do not use colons to start dialog, a comma is used. iin is misspelled, it should be in. Qany is misspelled, it should be Any. You need a comma after Nope.

5. When someone says, "Damn", you need an 'n' at the end of it, as I spelled it, not dam. A dam is something that blocks the flow of water in a river or stream.

6. At the end, you type, To be contiuned Continued is misspelled.

If I may offer advice, it would be to learn how to write a story. If you want to be taken seriously as a writer, then you will need to hone your craft. You start a nice story here, but you write it like you're talking to your friends, not trying to impress potential readers.



Sum1

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679
679
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Ruwth,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your WDC Anniversary!

         You didn't really think I'd let this day go by without dropping by for a review, did you? *Smile* I would never think of you as an introvert, but then, being on line safe in your house is far different from being in person. I'm the opposite of you, but have learned to tone down my approach with others since I can be a bit much at times, lol.

         This is a nice informative essay about you, I had fun reading it. If I may make one suggestion, it would be to focus on one thing at first, such as why you're an extraverted (did you mean extroverted in the last sentence?) introvert. Tell us how you have extrovert tendencies, the situations, etc. Then shift to how you are an introvert at heart, and why. In your essay here, you tend to bounce back and forth between the two, and it just seems it would be better to focus on one first, then the other.

         Thanks for the informative read, it was a pleasure to get to know you a little better.



Sum1

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Review of ME V/S THE PITTS  
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (1.0)
Dear Marvin,
         In every review, I try to be positive, and I will here too, but it's going to be very hard. So I'll get right to my comments, and see if somewhere along the way I can be positive.

1. Get rid of the capital letters. First, in looking at on line writing, it's considered rude, as if you're yelling at us.
2. Write a poem. This is as far from a poem as a Volkswagen Beetle is from a Space Shuttle. I don't mean to be rude, but I'm afraid it's the truth. Your 'poem' has no flow to it, no rhythm. Some lines are one syllable in length, others are far more, at least one is sixteen syllables. It doesn't have to rhyme, and this one definitely doesn't, but having a bit of rhythm to it (lines that flow well together, and are somewhere close to the same length syllable-wise) is a necessity.
3. You do not need to use more than one exclamation mark, EVER! You have fourteen lines (Yes, I went back and looked, counted how many there were) that have approximately thirty exclamation marks (yes, I counted the number in at least one line.)
4. You repeat this whole poem, caps and exclamation marks, everything. No idea why.
5. Please tell us something in your writing, let it make sense. I read the first version of this. If you drop the caps, change the format a bit, to a story and not a poem, it will be a little better. But even then, it will need an awful lot of work.

         I would like to give this a higher rating, but I'm sorry, I can't. If you edit this at all, if you want me to look at it again and possibly raise my rating, I'll be happy to. But I make no promises, only that I'll look at it again once it's edited.



Sum1

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Review of Do you hear me?  
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Papillon,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 4th WDC Anniversary!

         I wasn't sure what to make of the first part of this. Then I realized it was a long introduction to your poem. So my first suggestion is to get rid of this part. It has nothing to do with the poem, but would make a nice story if you lengthened it a little bit. *Smile* But the introduction does have a couple of things to look at, should you keep it with this poem.

1. I draw my knees closer under the table avoiding an army of endless tiny tattering raindrops falling from a huge, green, umbrella towering above my head. This sentence runs on a bit, and at a minimum needs a comma after tiny, and tattering,and remove the comma after green.

2. The cold monsoon roar mannishly, stirring leaves into little circles by the sidewalk. I'm not sure what you mean by mannishly. Plus it seems that roar should be roars.

3. As the cold wind hit my skin; glistening particles of water drops cling on to my skin. You used skin twice here in close succession. I would replace the second usage of 'my skin' with 'it.

4. My palms drew closer around the white mug, salvaging for some warmth. This is worded a little awkwardly, and can be re-worded to read a little better. My palms drew closer around the white mug, salvaging a little warmth from it.

         Your poem itself is very good, it speaks of a love that has been cast aside. Memories are all that's left, and the author's heart aches for the one who has left them. I love this line, You’re the first and last thing I see when I close my eyes,, but if I may make one more suggestion for you. Ask yourself a question. How do you see someone first, and last, when you close your eyes? So, a slight re-wording, and a new line, will make it read much smoother. You’re the first thing I imagine I see when I open my eyes, and last thing I see when I close them,


         If I were to rate the poem alone, I would give it a 4 or 4.5. But since the intro is included as part of it, my rating changes to the one given. If you edit this and want me to look at it again, I'll be happy to, and will then rate it accordingly.



Sum1

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Review of Fate  
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (2.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Kev,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 13th WDC Anniversary!

         You know, this starts out good, but seems to lose steam quickly. In the first four lines you tell the reader that everyone has a destiny, fate, or whatever we wish to call it. I realize you qualify it with the word 'Supposedly', but still, you focus on the fact that we all have one. Suddenly you shift to the thought that we don't really have one at all, that these are merely words put on paper. In doing that, you really need a new paragraph since it is counter to the original idea. You do open a new paragraph with the mention of our lives and the emotional turmoils we encounter, nicely done there! But, to make this a really compelling essay, you need to flesh this out more. What I mean is, give us more examples of why one might believe in a destiny for everyone. Then move to a new paragraph, and provide examples against the previous thought. Flesh this out well too, so we are left with examples of each, and can form our own opinions based on the facts provided. Finally, you end this very abruptly, leaving the readers thought processes essentially hanging in mid-air. If you do edit this some, I would be more than happy to come back and review it again, and change my rating should it warrant a higher grade.



Sum1

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Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Redrowrite
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 7th WDC Anniversary!

         Wow, you tell quite the story here. My first thought is that I hope it is pure fiction.

         What a wonderful story though! It's stories like this that make me believe in the love all over again. I could feel your pain, and love in every word on the page. I found Noni to be a bit precocious, but loving like the same as any one would her age. Your telling of this was very good, with only a few very minor things to look at. My comments are below.



Title:  Excellent for this story.



Description:  Very good, it's what pulled me in to read this.



Grammar:  There were a couple of minor things, and I think I saw at least one use of past/present tense in the story.




My Favorite Part:  Your obvious love for her throughout the story.





General Comments:  

1. She requested to come home and her team agreed if she had an RN came in twice a day. Came should be come. Alternatively, if you delete 'she had', came works fine.

2. Her handicaps began at birth then new ones presented themselves over the years. You need a comma after birth.

3. We completed each other's sentences, liked identical foods, mirrored taste in decorating and clothes, no need to speak just looks from the beginning. You should have a semi-colon after clothes, then a comma after speak.

4. They were afraid and it is true where people intermarry and have children, they have a higher risk of health issues. This is worded a little awkwardly. Perhaps this will work for you. They were afraid, and it is true when people intermarry and have children, there is a higher risk of health issues.



Overall impressions:  A beautiful story of a life fully lived, but all too short.


Sum1

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Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Yolande,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 1st WDC Anniversary!

         This is a very nice tribute to your father. Your love and respect for him is obvious in every word. While it gets a little repetitive, and rambles a little bit, I still found it beautiful. If I may make one suggestion, it would be to use the {indent} command for each line. This would indent each line the same amount, making this look a lot better on the page. As for the rambling bit, if you were write like thoughts together, keep all the 'You taught', and 'Thank you' together, if would help it a bit.



Sum1

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Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Kim
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 9th WDC Anniversary!

         You didn't really think I'd let a day like this go by without dropping by to wish you a Happy WDC Anniversary, did you? *Smile* Your story is so poignant, bringing back memories of raising my children, and some of the wonderful things children can say or do. Sometimes, I wish children would never grow up, others, they can't seem to grow fast enough. With the use of few words, you bring back memories for any who read this. I loved the way he said your Tulip had popped, that made it all the more precious. Thank you for writing this, it was a joy reading it.




Sum1

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Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Iam
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 5th WDC Anniversary!

         Your story is a nice story about a love that seems to go wrong, but is right all along. You tell of Grazi and her love for Chris, the confusion she experiences when her best friend also falls in love with someone named Chris while both are far away. It flows well, I liked the change of font color to set moods and let the reader know it was reflection. However, there are several places in you story where you have a tendency to change tenses. Samples are provided in General Comments.

         The third paragraph is a bit of a jump from the first two, you may want to consider a small revision to provide a more smooth transition/segue. If I may offer a suggestion, you might want to mention Chris arriving first, then tell the reader why she didn't remember Chris well at first. But the puzzling thing to me in this story, is that Monique is marrying a man named Chris, and he has a twin brother also named Chris? It would seem that one of them would have a different first name, thus avoiding Grazi's confusion. Of course, her confusion is the crux of this story, so I'm not sure what you'd do to change this a little.


Title:  Very good for this story



Description:  Also very good, it helped draw me in to read it.




My Favorite Part:  The ending, I'm a sap for happy endings.





General Comments:  

1. Two months ago, she told Monique about a guy named Chris, that she has fallen in love with. This is one place where the tense issue appears. Has is present tense, but you're talking about Grazi telling Monique about him two months ago (past tense).

2. She finally moved on... or so she thinks. Same thing here with tense issues. Moved - past tense. Thinks, present tense

3. "Niq, why so soon? I mean, sure you love each other, but you've only known each other for more than three months. This line is worded poorly. Instead of wording it as 'more than three months', you might want to change it to read 'about three months', or 'for three months', taking the more than out of it.

4. His brother said they've been looking for a heart since three years ago when the heart ailment wasn't that severe yet and they still couldn't find a match. This line too is worded awkwardly. If I may offer a suggestion here. His brother said they've been looking for a heart for over three years, when the heart ailment wasn't that severe, but they still haven't found a match.

5. He was about to kiss you even before you could answer, then you suddenly punch the lights out of him." I'm assuming English isn't your native tongue, so small things like this aren't unusual, but you might want to reword this a little. A better ending to the sentence would be "punched his lights out."

6. "Really? I don't remember that but I bet it had been hilarious!" Instead of 'had been', you will want to say, 'was'.

7. She already knew that Chris is the groom but she had to pretend she doesn't. Believe it or not, in this sentence, 'was the groom' would be correct, not is.

8. I guess it can't be help then. I was even very excited in seeing the brother." Help should be helped. I think you should delete 'even', and change 'in' to about.




Overall impressions:  A nice love story that is perfect for the younger generation.


Sum1

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Review of Marbled  
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Mars,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 6th WDC Anniversary!

         I have learned to love the different forms of poetry that can be written, and the Pleiades is a new form for me. Your poem is very nice, it flows pretty good, but could be a bit stronger. What I mean by that, is that if you made each line a complete read, it would be much better. You wrapped the end of one line to the start of the next. Poetry is normally read line by line (at least for me it is), and wrapping lines really interrupts the read. I also have to say, while it meets the Pleiades format, it doesn't meet it either. What I mean is, a Pleiades poem is taken from the Greek Myth, and the Pleiades Constellation. As such, it should be seven lines long, but yours is twelve. It is a nice poem though, but it doesn't quite meet the true intent of the Pleiades form.




Sum1

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Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Patricia,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 6th WDC Anniversary!

         I will admit to not having read your books and further stories about Hannaria, but I found this interview very interesting. I cannot imagine what it would be like to meet an alien, much less interview them. Nice job on the dialog here, despite their cultural and race differences, they talked as if they were both from Earth. Of course, Jernard being on Earth so long probably helped that along. My curiosity is piqued, I would like to know more about the history they were discussing, how he let the Earth know he is not one of us. Guess I will have to see if I can get a copy of the book, huh. *Smile* I did see a couple of very minor things you may want to look at in this though.



1. I remember I made that entire group furious--disappeared for fifteen years after they presented me with the list and demanded I answered everything." It seems that answered should be answer.

2. I know it's difficult not to see the situation as something more sinister, but this was intended to be very mundane process. I think an 'a' is needed before mundane.

         Thank you for the enjoyable read, I would love to learn more about these characters.




Overall impressions:  


Sum1

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Review of Snow  
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Dear OutOfTouch,
         Since you've done a few Anniversary Reviews this month, I thought I'd look through your port and learn a little about you. Congratulations on joining the world of poetry! I love poetry, but have never read anything by one of the more famous poets. Can't figure out why now, but that's the way it is.

         This is a very good Diatelle, especially for a first stab at writing poetry. The various forms of poetry are fun to explore, I think a favorite of mine is the Kyrielle. Your poem describes Snow very nicely, I loved the flow of it and the descriptions you used to convey your message. However, line seven should be 10 syllables, but it has 11. This can easily be corrected by removing the 'and' after angels, replacing it with a comma. *Smile*




Sum1

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Review of Deep Down  
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (2.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Daniel,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 1st WDC Anniversary!

         I'm sorry, but I do not see poetry in this. It almost sounds like a rant than anything else. I tried to read it as a poem, put some flow to it, maybe a bit of rhythm. But that didn't happen, no matter how hard I tried. Maybe you meant this to be poem, and maybe it looks like one on your computer, but it doesn't here on WDC. A poem should be formatted with shorter lines than you use here. It doesn't have to rhyme, but it needs a flow to it. Without any type of formatting, it's hard to look at it as a poem. If I may, here is an example of your poem formatted so it looks better, with a little wording change here and there to help it read smoother.

Deep Down

Inside each of us is a person no one sees.
We're so much more than just flesh and skin.
Under all the blood and veins,
Hidden within our complex brains,
Are stored our emotions, feelings, and pains.
Sometimes we may bring them out,
Often times they remain locked up, stored away,
Repressed and rarely felt are the emotions.
These feelings we tend to hide.
Like shields, they protect us,
Like masks, they conceal us.
Behind a wall they stand still,
Pressed so stiff against these walls,
Afraid to move, scared to come on through.
The heart has many secrets as well,
Hidden deep, sometimes afraid,
Oftentimes cold, like the bottom of the well.
These emotions, these feelings,
Lie asleep, dormant, brought out only by anger or pride.
You should use these emotions, release these feelings locked away,
Don't be afraid to be yourself, to live for the day.
Emotions and feelings should never be hidden away.


This is just my take on how this could look when formatted as a poem. Sometimes in poetry, less is more.



Sum1

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Review of Holmes & Watson  
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Bumblegrum,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 1st WDC Anniversary!

         As I came to the last line, I was immediately reminded of an old movie starring Gene Wilder and Marty Feldman. In that, he was Sherlock's Younger brother, and called him Sheer Luck. *Smile*

         It would take a special prompt for me to write something so short, my mind doesn't think along those lines. Well done in this, I like how you changed the positions of Holmes and Watson.



Sum1

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Review of Misspelling Love  
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear M,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 6th WDC Anniversary!

         I have to confess, I don't normally read vampire stories, even though I read "Interview With The Vampire" way back in 1970. I really liked your story though, it is well paced with a good dialog between Ryan and Isabelle. I guess we all feel the same way about the characters we write about; a bit of love for something we've created, even if only on paper (or screen in today's world). I also feel a bit of awe at them, they always seem more wise than I am, making good, just decisions that end in success in whatever we want them to do. I love the idea of Ryan writing himself into the story and disappearing like he did. I wonder what adventures awaited him there in his story. I also wonder if you're still here, and able to read this, or in one of your stories somewhere. *Smile* Thank you for an enjoyable read. I'd offer some comments on this, but I enjoyed it to much to go back and find minor errors I know may be there.



Sum1

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Review of Tales of Terror  
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Lottie,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 4th WDC Anniversary!

         Wow, it's hard to find something in your port to review! A couple of your folders are empty, or at least do not contain items I could view. I like this forum/contest you've started here, and have forwarded a link for it to a friend who loves to write horror stories.

         I do have the following comments for you on your forum.

1. In looking over the forum page, I found it a little hard to grasp what you have going on in it. I clicked each link on the page (the links are not obvious, at least to me). Your rules pop up is nice, but at first glance, it's easy to pass it by. Perhaps having the rules listed right below the title 'Rules'? The reason I say it's not obvious, is that on the main page, you list the Deadline, and right below it is the date, 30 November 2012: 11:59. I know deadline is underlined, but at first I didn't think it would be a hyperlink, since the date is right below the text. When you do click the deadline hyperlink, you are taken to the Cathedral, which I found to be beautiful. Being a horror group, maybe you want people to have to explore, that way only the determined get in. *Smile*

2. There is no readily obvious contest requirement listed in the forum, one has to explore to find it. If you want to attract more people (and maybe you want to keep this to a small group, a few friends), you might want to make this more open, easier to see what's going on.

         Overall, I love your approach, a group devoted to elegant horror is something needed. In saying elegant, I'm assuming you mean you want to see stories written in the style of the classics, like Shirley Jackson's "The Haunting", or "The Lottery" (only name that comes to mind for some reason). I would guess you're not going for gruesome stories. I don't write horror, my mind doesn't think along those lines, but I do love reading it.



Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


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Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Dear Jen,
         I saw this on the 'Newbie' page and thought I'd give it a read and review. Welcome to Writing dot Com, or WDC as many of us affectionately call it. I hope you find it to be a new writing home for you, and enjoy your time here.

         I have to say that the end of this is pretty transparent. What I mean is I knew the ending long before I got to it. That's not necessarily a bad thing, I just saw it in this case. You say a lot here, but at the same time, you don't say much. Essentially you say the same thing over and over, just slightly modified in form each time. If I may, I have a little feedback for you on it.



Title:  Your title doesn't seem to fit, for I found no real 'confession' in your story. Explanations yes, but not a confession. You may want to call this 'The Life Of A Glass Princess', or something similar. Or, add some confessions in your story.



Description:  Here again, it's not quite right for your content. A journey usually has a starting point, and an ending point, with a few things going on in between. So, how did this glass princess become one? What does she do each day, where is she going? You allude to her falling, and equate it to your failure in life. Have you really failed? Is this glass princess someone else? Or are you just using her in your story as an example of you. Auto-biography? *Smile*



Grammar:  You have a few areas that you could improve, detailed below in general comments.



General Comments:  

1. As I look in the mirror I see the resemblance of a eccentric porcelain doll.. You see the problem with two periods, minor typo. I think it could be worded slightly differently though. As I look in the mirror I see the resemblance to an eccentric porcelain doll. The 'a' before must be 'an'. An is always used before a word that starts with a vowel.

2. Emotionless, she displays a perfectly painted on face, sitting silently, with complete void of any thought or feeling. This is worded a little awkwardly, leading to a rough read. A minor modification would help it. Emotionless, she sits silently, displaying a perfectly painted face; completely void of any thought or feeling.

3. For her sole purpose of existence, is to be for the pleasure of others. You don't need the comma here, and it seems you can delete the word 'for' to help it read better.

4. The difference between myself and that frail Princess, is as she sits peacefully on the mantel she is content with her purpose of existence. This is not a complete statement. You tell us that she is content in her purpose of existence. Where's the difference? You haven't told us a thing about you to compare her to, so we don't know the difference. You allude to it, implying she is content, and you are not, but as written, it is an incomplete statement. The sentence that follows this one explains it some, but should be part of this sentence. Would this work for you? The difference between myself and that frail Princess, is that she sits peacefully on the mantel, content with her purpose of existence, where I have never known contentment or peace in my life.



Overall impressions:  

         I am not interested in seeming to tear this apart line by line, paragraph by paragraph. Some of your wording leads me to think that English is not your native tongue. You tell a sad story here, but the reading of it is a bit off, I think a good analogy would be that it is a 'clumsy read'. There are a few minor spelling errors in this (I see 'smoother' right now, when it should be smother. Small things like that detract from a reader enjoying your story.

         This seems to be an auto-biography in some ways. So, tell us (the reader) a little about yourself. How did you get to this state, why do you think of yourself as a porcelain princes? Give us a beginning, a plot in the middle that tells us how you got here. Then give the story a climatic ending, it doesn't have to be fireworks and such, just a high point that ends it. Look at your spelling and wording so the story flows smoothly. Then sit back and watch the rave reviews you'll get! *Smile*



Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


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Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Princess,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 7th WDC Anniversary!

         You had quite the experience in basic training, and in the PTRP program! This is pretty well written, it does ramble a little, but the story you tell kept me enthralled. If you're interested in working on it, or writing more for us to read, I have a few small pointers for you.

1. Break this up into smaller paragraphs. Being one long paragraph can make it a tedious read.

2. Well, one week later, I was saying my good-byes to my family for seven weeks of training. This part here is unclear. It's in the middle of the story, and seems like you're saying bye to family and friends, yet you've been in basic training for a while already it seems.

         Overall, a nice story. I would love to see it edited and formatted, with a little better flow to it.




Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


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Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Dear Rose,
         Well it's about dang time I stopped by again and read something of yours. *Smile* This one is cute, though I have to wonder how much trouble she got in for her answer to the problem. But I have to say, I agree with her idea. In the second to last line though, you have Mary either talking, or thinking, and might want to highlight that with either single or double quotation marks. Thank you for the enjoyable read.



Sum1

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Review of Our Pet Spider  
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Pico
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 2nd WDC Anniversary!

         I found this story to be very humorous. I know 'Daddy Long Legs' aren't dangerous, but spiders, ugh! I would have a problem with it I think. Amazing what we'll do for our children, huh. I could see your son treating the spider as if it was a 'normal' pet, I smiled imagining him petting it. It getting out in the van was precious, and if I was your oldest son, or your daughter, I'd have been out of there quickly. I did see one small thing you might want to look at.

1. Our own fault, we definitely asked for this one. This seems incomplete to me. I would think if you added 'This was' to the start of it, it would read more smoothly.

         Thanks for the enjoyable read.



Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


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Review of Query Letter  
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Bryan,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 3rd WDC Anniversary!

         I think this is a very well written introductory letter to an editor. I have read many technical manuals and journals in my time, so can relate to a letter like this instead of a normal story. You are direct, to the point, yet not begging to be considered for publication. Your point about IRA's is well taken, because the average American does not understand them well, if at all. I did have to smile at your opening, and the address you used for their address. Images flashed through my mind on reading that, making it a fun read from the start. If your writing about IRA's does that, you'll have a lot of people reading your writings.



Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


** Image ID #1840790 Unavailable **
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Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 10th WDC Anniversary!

         You had me smiling throughout this piece, and actually laughing aloud at a couple of points. We share a phobia, and I am quite willing to unite with you and join forces against these ghastly creatures. If it wasn't for all the good I know they do, they'd be in serious trouble. I'm sure that between us, we could put several species of spider on the endangered species list. *Laugh* I remember seeing a spider in the house once, so I grabbed my new broom. I hit it so hard, the handle broke! But, I missed, so it walked away, looking a bit smug if you ask me. I've learned to tolerate them if they remain where they belong, and not in my room. If I find one in my shower like you did at 16, (by the way, I've learned to ALWAYS check before getting in the shower), I just mutter to myself, "Why do spiders always want to shower with me, but then curl up into a little ball when I try to wash them?" Because I don't get in that shower until that spider has had his 'bath', which usually sends them down the drain. Even then, I'm checking everywhere for more of them.

         I loved this though, it had me grinning throughout because I can relate to your fear. I did see one thing you might want to look at.

1. I didn't mind them so much if they were outside and not too close - but a spider in the house was entirely unacceptable. This seems to be worded a little off. I think 'were' needs to be changed to 'are'. Didn't, and were just don't seem to work together in this sentence, that's all.



Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


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Review of The Sleepwalker  
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Connie,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 4th WDC Anniversary!

         Very cute! I think I'm in the same boat you are, except it's not happening when I'm asleep, lol. Loved the flow of this, it was smooth with hardly any bumps, large or small. I think my favorite part was the exercise class, splitting your pants. Oh to be a fly on the wall then! *Wink* Thanks for the humorous read.





Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


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