There's a lot of good characterization in the space of 297 words. Two thumbs up.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the first person. Good job with narration. Past tense is used effectively.
CHARACTERS
Miss Rivera finds a young baby who needs attention. There are a multitude of choices for her to make, but whatever she does decide to do, she's got to be able to live comfortably with it. The characterization is strong and effective here.
MECHANICS
I might suggest an edit for punctuation. Tip: Put the period inside the quote.
DESCRIPTION
There's a word count so description suffers a little. There's enough to paint the scene and that's what is important.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
I have no suggestions for improvement. This story was written for a flash fiction contest with a word count. Again, great characterization.
Hello, it's StephBee with a Show Off Your Best at the Sandbox Review.
THE STORY
After commiting himself to a relationship, Clarence realizes things aren't what they seem.
WHAT I LIKED
In the teaser, it states, "based on events in the 1990's." and I thought it was an accurate accounting. The story reminded me a little of the movie "Philadelphia," when there was so much confusion about those who admitted to being in a gay/lesbian relationship.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person limited, mainly from Perina's perspective. If anything, I might suggest a edit for narration. The 2nd paragraph switches to first person, which you can if you want, but you have to tighten it up a little and make it obvious. For example: There's nowhere for me to go. I don't belong in this world. I don't fit in. Use italics to set Clarence's thoughts apart from the 3rd person narrative. Past tense is used appropriately.
1ST 3 PARAGRAPHS
They were a decent start to the story. Again, I think you can tighten this up. By using the italics to switch POV narration, you actively incoroporate the dialogue of Clarence's thoughts and subutly draw the reader in.
DIALOGUE
This is mostly narrative. Dialogue is used in mini-flashbacks.
CHARACTERS
Clarence, (main)
Clarence buys into the confusion that being gay brought in the 1990's. He's clearly torn between embracing his life and the expectations of his parents. He's complicated, sad, and his final actions are heartbreaking.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling or punctuation mistakes.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
Suggestions as mentioned above. A solid characer driven story.
I loved the easy flowing writing style here. It grabbed my attention immedately.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the first person by the tin soldier. A line break is used to switch narration - good job. Good job with POV narration overall. Past tense is used appropriately.
CHARACTERS
Tin soldier (main)
He was very likable and I was with him on his quest for the flower. Good characterization. You really brought him alive.
MECHANICS & SOUND
There were no uneven or choppy sentences. I did not spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
I have no suggestions for improvement. A good, yet sad ending. Keep writing!
Leena is disappointed when she doesn't get a good grade on a school project that she worked hard on.
WHAT I LIKED
There's a nice fluidity to the piece. It's easy to read. The reader comes to route for Leena, and it's a situtation that a lot of young teens and adults can identify with.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person limited by Leena. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
CHARACTERS
Leena, Professor Rands
Leena is a girl who likes to daydream, yet firmly believes she's put forth the effort to earn "green" on her paper and she's naturally disappointed when Prof. Rands marks it red. Her actions afterwords feel natural. I thought the name fit the character well.
DESCRIPTIONS
The descriptions are enough to set the time/place of the story. If anything, you could probably expand on this.
DIALOGUE
There's a nice blend of dialogue and narration. The dialogue moves the story forward.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes. There were no uneven or choppy sentences.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
I have no suggestions for improvement. The ending was surprising, unexpected, yet the build up made it appropriate.
A young native American falls in love with a wolf.
WHAT I LIKED
Great voice in here! You capture the essence of the characters well. Very romantic.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person limited, mainly from Gold Aspen Leaf's perspective. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. The dialogue moves the story forward.
CHARACTERS
Gold Aspen Leaf, Many Hands, the wolf.
I loved the names chose for the characters. Subtle, yet realistic and a little telling about the characters. The names mean something as you read the story. Excellent choices. I came to know Gold Aspen Leaf's motavations well. She's a well drawn out character. The character's clothing choices are very delibrate and helps enhance who they are.
DESCRIPTIONS
The descriptions are enough to set the time/place of the story. If anything, you could probably expand on this.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes. There were no uneven or choppy sentences.
It appears to be very interactive and fun. I loved seeing the community involvement here.
INTRODUCTION
I did not spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes in the introduction. There were no uneven or choppy sentences. If anything, you could probably expand it a little more - talk about how long you've been on WDC, what about WDC appeals to you, or you could add a graphic. Just suggestions, nothing more, as this really is a matter of personal preference I think.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
Suggestion as mentioned above. A really fun guestbook.
The plot/pacing of the story is moving very well. The events are logical. It's a good progression of the story. Nice hook on the end. The characters are interesting.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person, mainly from Seamus's perspective. Now, there is a point where it switches to the prient's perspective for a couple of a paragraphs and it's a very subtle switch. Still it had me a little confused because I was in Seamus's head. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's a nice balance of dialgoue and narration. The dialogue moves the story forward well.
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scene of the church and Gerard's home. You could expand on this if you wanted by touching on the scenes. Smell is a good one. What did the church smell like to Seamus, for example.
CHARACTERS
Seamus, Treasa, Gerard
We find out more about Seamus here and his family. It's a nice growth of Seamus's character development. Treasa and Gerard play their supporting roles well.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes. There were no uneven or choppy sentences.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
I have no suggestions for improvement. This is a good read that has me intrigued. Hook transitional hook at the end of the chapter.
Seamus and Treasa make their way toward the Irish coast.
WHAT I LIKED
I thought this was a "powered down" chapter, which was nice in that it focused on character development and hardships which is something readers can identify with.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person, mainly from Seamus's perspective. Good job with POV narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's a nice blend of dialogue and narration. The dialogue moves the story forward.
CHARACTERS
Seamus, Treasa
Treasa reveals an unexpected surprise. She's a real go-getter in this one, suffering her hardship well. Seamus is very supportive.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling or puncutation mistakes. There were no uneven or choppy sentences.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
I have no suggestions for improvement. A good chapter. Plot and pacing progress naturally.
Seamus sells his flock to Aidan and prepares to leave for America.
WHAT I LIKED
I thought it was a good chapter, naturally progressing on the previous ones.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person mainly from Seamus's perspective. Good job with POV narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
The dialogue shows what's going on in the story, moving it forward well. If anything, I might suggest trying to incorporate more accents in the dialogue to give the body of work a little bit more sense of authencity.
CHARACTERS
Seamus, Treasa, O'Briens
The characterization of Seamus brings out his fears and misgivings, as well as his hope. Good job. Treasea and the O'Briens work well in the supporting role.
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scene (time & place) If you wanted to expand on them I think you could. The plot is one that will get the reader's attention, and a little extra description will really take the reader to another time and place.
MECHANICS
I might suggest a minor edit for punctutation. I did not spot any spelling mistakes. There were no uneven or choppy sentences.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
Suggestions as noted above. They're minor, but I think if you incorporate them, it will make the piece shine. This is a very interesting story.
Hello, it's StephBee with a Show Off Your Best at the Sandbox Contest review.
THE ESSAY
A how to look about fitting into a different culture.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked the personal tone of the essay. It was easy to read.
FIRST 3 PARAGRAPHS
The personal nature of the opening kept me reading. They held my interest.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes. There were no uneven or choppy sentences.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
I have no suggestions for improvement. I liked the story about learning Spanish. I agree that unless you submerge yourself, language learning can be difficult.
The essay fit the prompt (how to/advice). The word count was not listed in accordance with the contest rules.
Hello, it's StephBee with a Show Off Your Best at the Sandbox Contest review.
THE STORY
Ziti solves the mystery surrounding the two Ernesto Juniors.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked the realistic twist. Stuff like this sure does happen. I thought Ziti's partner, Laura, was perfect in her supporting role.
FIRST 3 PARAGRAPHS
I thought the personal nature of these paragraphs were intriguing. They held my interest. I especially liked "I pined for nicotine, but settled for caffeine." That made Ziti real to me, as I think a majority of us do the same pining.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is written in the first person by Ziti. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
The dialogue moved the story forward well. It kept me guessing.
CHARACTERS
Ziti (main) Laura
Laura is a great supporting character. A bit naive, innocent, and believing. Ziti is able to take her observations a step further. He's a good, "personal" detective, able to read more into people then just the surface. Both characters were interesting.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes. There were no uneven or choppy sentences.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
I have no suggestions for improvement. Good job with explaining the twist.
The story fit the prompt (detective). The word count was not listed in accordance with the contest rules.
Hello, it's StephBee with a Show Off Your Best at the Sandbox Contest review.
THE ESSAY
An essay with "how-to" advice about writing.
WHAT I LIKED
I loved the pratical advice. It was up front and honest.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes. There were no uneven or choppy sentences.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
I have no suggestions for improvement. I wish every writer had a copy of this by their side as they wrote. I loved the advice offered. I wholeheartidly concur!
The essay fit the prompt (how to/advice) and the word count was listed in accordance with the contest rules.
Hello, it's StephBee with a Best of the Rest Contest Review.
THE FORUM
The forum hosts the Angel Army review forum.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked the opening graphic. It's very eye catching and appropriate to the theme of the forum. It's a very interactive review forum and I liked the fact so many members of the WDC Community are so active in it. I also liked the incentives offered for reviewing.
RULES
The rules were clearly stated and easy to understand.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Great use of WDC ML and graphics! Good luck with the Best of the Rest contest!
Reviewed by StephB from the Sandbox.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile.php/reviews/sgcardin/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/37
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.84 seconds at 6:04am on Jul 03, 2024 via server web2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
THE FORUM
WHAT I LIKED 
