My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
Kate's parents are getting divorced.
WHAT I LIKED
Great character voice. I really like Kate was talking.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the first person by Kate. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. I would suggest an edit for dialogue tags. Use only "he said" or "she replied" in tags to identify the speaker only, if you have to. Put action in a seperate sentence. Put the action first, then the dialogue.
FOR EXAMPLE, AS WRITTEN: "You won't get your way this time, Edward," she hissed, still pacing back and forth.
MY SUGGESTION: Mother paced back and forth, unable to tame her restless energy. "You won't get your way this time, Edward."
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on, especially when painting the 1888.
SETTING
TIME: 1888
PLACE: England
This is clarified well for the reader.
CHARACTERS
Kate
There's enough here to understand her. She had to fend for herself in the light of her parents divorce.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling mistakes. I might suggest a minor edit for punctuation.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
I would suggest spacing between paragraphs in the WDC format because it's easier on the eyes to read. Again, good voice. I think divorce in Victorian England would be highly frowned upon. It certainlly wasn't accepted as it was now. I would think the parents choising to live apart would be more of an appropriate solution for them considering the time period. Food for thought, nothing more.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
Leah fears her husband, Cliff is cheating on her - again.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked the introspection Leah went through to make her choice.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person limited mainly from Leah's perspective. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. I would suggest an edit for dialogue tags. Use only "he said" or "she replied" in tags to identify the speaker only, if you have to. Put action in a seperate sentence. Put the action first, then the dialogue.
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes. I got a good visual of the story.
SETTING
TIME: modern day?
PLACE: urban setting?
This is something that that is not defined but could be clarified for the reader.
CHARACTERS
Leah
There's enough here to understand her motivations.
MECHANICS
I might suggest a minor edit for spelling and punctuation.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
The opening paragraph sets the scene for the story then we have a little exposition, which throws the opening off a little. Then again, it's all infomation that the reader would like to know as it sets the stage for the reason why Leah makes the decision. Overall, it works, but it's a lot of info after the action of the opening.
The title was very appropriate to the story. I felt on the edge of reality right along with Leah!
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
Junior Young is a kid who has been picked on since the day he was born. Then he meets Uriah Johnson...
WHAT I LIKED
This was creepy good. I was totally creeped out, and I liked the ending and how it was left up to the reader to believe what they wanted.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the first person by Junior. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. I didn't see any problem with the dialogue tags. My only caution is with the accent. Personally, I like to use accents because I think it makes the story more authentic, but some don't care for the accents. I've found accents can work well or they can totally backfire on you. If anything, when I write an accent, I try to tone it down a bit. This is just my personal observation on accents and is not a reflection of the story.
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes. It got a good sense of Junior's world.
SETTING
TIME: modern day?
PLACE: rural setting?
This is something that that is not defined but could be clarified for the reader.
CHARACTERS
Junior
There's enough here to understand his motivations - the fact he's been picked on for so long. Adding Uriah to help explain what he does is a nice twist.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
I have no suggestions for improvement. I loved the beginning. It drew me right into the story. I thought the 18+ rating was appropriate to the story. Good luck in the Short Shots contest!
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
Rose and Emmett find another couple have the same special bench.
WHAT I LIKED
It was a very sweet story. Quick and easy to read. I could see how your love for Stephenie Meyer influenced the story.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in dialogue. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
The dialogue drives the narration. Well done.
DESCRIPTIONS
This is something that could be expanded on. Usually description comes in narration, which there's little of. I did get a visual of the bench, but not much else while I was reading.
SETTING
TIME: modern day?
PLACE: urban setting?
This is something that that is not defined but could be clarified for the reader.
CHARACTERS
Rose and Emmett.
There's enough here to understand her turmoil over the bench. Emmett does a good job reassuring her of his memories.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling mistakes. I might suggest a minor edit for punctuation.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as mentioned above. It's a very romantic piece in that Emmett is the one to reasure Rose that it's not the bench, but the memories that count and coming from a man, that means a lot!
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
Saima's parents are trying to arrange a marriage for her, but in her culture, she's consider "too" old.
WHAT I LIKED
I just finished reading "Kabul Beauty School" so I recognized this as part of the custom from that side of the world. I thought it was an accurate portrayal and I have to give Javed credit for picking her.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person limited mainly from Saima's perspective. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
Th dialogue accents the narration.
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on.
SETTING
TIME: modern day?
PLACE: southeast asia, perhaps?
This is something that that is not defined but could be clarified for the reader.
CHARACTERS
Saima
There's enough here to understand her. She has to go through the custom to get married and sadly, it's almost humilating for most women to be scruitized like so.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as mentioned above. While the ritual of courting in this story usually doesn't leave much for romance, what I thought evoked a sense of romance was Javed "stepping up to the plate" and telling his mother he'd married Saima. Javed is taking a chance, and that's what trusting in romance is all about - taking a chance. That in itself strikes a romance chord in this story.
This is SantaBee with a Show Off Your Best at the Sandbox Contest Review. My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
A man, stuck in a rut, finds inspiration in an old man's story.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked Murphy. He was quite a character.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person limited mainly from Mike's perspective. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. The dialogue drives the narration.
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes. I thought I was in the drugstore right next to Mike and Murphy.
SETTING
TIME: modern day.
PLACE: drugstore.
This is clarified for the reader.
CHARACTERS
Mike, main
There's enough here to understand his motivations. He has no inspiration, but finds it after talking to a man who has lived a full life.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes. One typo: pregnancy test should be tests.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as mentioned above. I liked how the story had an "every day" feel for it. The story fit the prompt - biographical. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.
This is SantaBee with a Show Off Your Best at the Sandbox Contest Review. My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
A man must decide if he should save his wife or his child.
WHAT I LIKED
The dilemma posed has followed us through the ages. It's a close to your topic that many can identify with. Not surprisingly, the man's gut instinct is to save his wife's life. He loves her and wants to be with her.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person limited mainly from Nazmul's perspective. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. If anything, watch out for dialogue tags. Put action in a seperate sentence, not in a dialogue tag. For example, as written:
"Go ahead, doctor," Komol declared, signing the documents required. "Please save my child."
My suggestion: Komol signed the documents. "Go ahead, doctor. Save my child."
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes. If you wanted to, you could expand on this. Use the descriptions to augment the emotions flowing through Nazmul.
SETTING
TIME: mid 1960's
PLACE: India? I'm not sure where the "Red Crescent" is.
This is something that that is not defined but could be clarified for the reader.
CHARACTERS
Nazmul, main
There's enough here to understand his motivations. He loves his family, but his choice is not easy.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as mentioned above. A gripping read. The story fit the prompt - biographical. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
An autobiographical look by the author at her time in the Peace Corps.
WHAT I LIKED
This is a very exciting account. I was on the edge of my seat. You made this come alive!
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the first person by the narrator (author). Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
The dialogue accents the narration.
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes. I was able to picture the story in my mind. I especially liked: "It tasted like copper in my mouth. Its pungent stench burned my nostrils."
SETTING
TIME: modern day - 1994
PLACE: central Africia
This was clearly defined for the reader.
CHARACTERS
Narrator, main
There's enough here to understand her motivations. She had a desire to help others.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
I have no suggestions for improvement. The opening sets the tone for the story to come. The story fit the prompt - biographical. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
Adriana tries to save her sister from "the beast."
WHAT I LIKED
I true, masterful tale of horror. I literary felt "breathless" the entire time I was reading - just like I suspect Adriana was.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person limited through Adriana's perspective. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
The dialogue accents the narration.
DESCRIPTIONS
There's a good balance of description. It's not overwhelming, but just enough to give you the flavor of the setting. I especially liked: "The fear eating in her chest was so intense it felt like a rat gnawing at her flesh from inside her body." Ewww, that's gruesome!
SETTING
TIME: modern day?
PLACE: rural, island setting named Nob Hill
This is defined for the reader and augments the "horror" aspects of the story.
CHARACTERS
Adriana
There's enough here to understand her motivations. She wants to save her sister which is totally understandable.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes. The story is tight mechanically.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
I have no suggestions for improvement. A terrifing read. I loved the opening sentence. How could a perfect day be horrorifing? A great tease that hooks!
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
Set in the French trenches during World War I, a British squad must defend the line.
WHAT I LIKED
I loved the characterization! It gave the story a sense of authencity.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person omniscient. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. The dialogue moves the story forward nicely. There's a lot of good showing here as opposed to telling and I enjoyed it very much!
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes. If anything, you could expand on this. You don't need a lot, just a few stragetic sentences placed. Touch on the sense of smell a bit more. I can't imagine the trenches smell good.
SETTING
TIME: World War I
PLACE: trenches in France.
This is clearly defined and allows the reader to picture the backdrop of the story. Well done!
This is an ensamable cast which is very enjoyable. I enjoyed how each character had their quirks, yet came together as a team.
There's enough here to understand their motivations.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling mistakes. I might suggest a minor edit for punctuation. Spell out "OK" in manuscript writing. (It's okay for journalistic writing, but not for manuscript writing.)
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening pulls the reader in by inserting them in the heat of battle. Great visuals without being too wordy. I can see the potential to expand this. Write on!
The script was formated well and easy to understand.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
This is a nice vignette. I liked the opening, spanning over the fire pit. If anything, I would have liked more of the scene. Maybe the Shaman could have told a story that was relevant to a situtation going on in the scene? I think you could easily expand on this.
Hello, I'm SantaBee and I am reviewing your story for Show Off Your Best. Thanks for entering.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
This is an NCIS fan fiction. Gibbs foun someone he lost a long time ago.
WHAT I LIKED
I loved the characterization. I haven't had a chance to watch the series, but the writing was so solid, I felt very at ease with the characters.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person limited by Gibbs. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. I would suggest an edit for dialogue tags. Use only "he said" or "she replied" in tags to identify the speaker only, if you have to. Put action in a seperate sentence. Put the action first, then the dialogue.
FOR EXAMPLE, AS WRITTEN: "NCIS," he announced, not lowering his Sig.
MY SUGGESTION: Gibbs didn't bother to lower his Sig. "NCIS."
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scene, it could be expanded on a little, not much. I especially liked: "She reached up to smooth the copper kissed strands."
SETTING
TIME: modern day.
PLACE: Washington DC?
I wasn't sure on the place. Since I'd never seen the series, I wasn't sure where the place in the setting was.
CHARACTERS
Gibbs
There's enough here to understand both his motivations. The salty ol' investigator thought his wife was dead. She wasn't.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening is intriguing as Gibbs notices the woman and engages the reader right away. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.
Hello, I'm SantaBee and I am reviewing your story for Show Off Your Best. Thanks for entering.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
This is a Harry Potter fan fiction involving the character of Sirius Black. He finds a woman who intrigues him.
WHAT I LIKED
I loved the characterization. I thought it captured the essence of the characters and Harry Potter's world well.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the first person by Carmen. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. I would suggest an edit for dialogue tags. Use only "he said" or "she replied" in tags to identify the speaker only, if you have to. Put action in a seperate sentence. Put the action first, then the dialogue.
FOR EXAMPLE, AS WRITTEN: "Thanks. James usually helps me with that." He said as I finished tying it for me.
MY SUGGESTION: I finished knoting his tie.
Sirius smiled. "Thanks. James usually helps me with that."
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes. Having seen the movie I could picture Hogwarts. This is something that could be expanded on though.
SETTING
TIME: several years ago.
PLACE: Hogwarts
Well clarified for the reader.
CHARACTERS
Carmen, Sirius
There's enough here to understand both their motivations. They are attracted to each other.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling mistakes. I might suggest a minor edit for punctuation. You use exclaimation points a lot which makes the story feel a little melodramaic.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening involves motion and engages the reader right away. Good job with it Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.
Hello, it's SantaBee with a review for the Best of the Rest Contest.
THECAMPFIRE
The campfire engages community members to tell a story which feels anime based.
WHAT I LIKED
The campfire appears active. I can tell the participants had a great time with with it.
INTRODUCTION
The intro gives enough to set up the story.
CONTENT
There are several entries which are not long and easy to read.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/puncutation mistakes.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
My only suggestion, and it's a matter of style, is to use a graphic to help set the tone of the campfire. A nice community building tool. Good luck in the Best of the Rest Contest.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
Owen takes up with Rob and loses all his money.
WHAT I LIKED
Good character voice. The letter captured Owen's voice well. I thought I was reading a real letter.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the first person by Owen. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. If anything, be aware of dialogue tags. Put action in a separate sentence.
For example, as written: "Rob Berman gotta do what a robber-man can," Rob replied, rubbing his hands in glee.
My suggestion: Rob rubbed his hands in glee. "Rob Berman gotta do what a robber-man can."
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes, if anything, you could probably expand on this using a few strategic words in a couple of strategic places.
SETTING
TIME: modern day?
PLACE: Kansas/Virginia - southern USA
Good job establishing time and place.
CHARACTERS
Owen
I wasn't quite sure with Owen - which is probably how you wanted it to be. I wasn't sure if he was "scamming" mom or if he genuinely wanted to come home and just got in with a bad person. The ambiguity works here.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestion as mentioned above. A good vignette told through a letter. Owen goes from event to event with hardly time to breathe. Good A/A plot.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE CHAPTER
Kate, drunk, confronts Quinn in a coffee shop.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked how you introduced the conflict into chapter one. This was a great beginning!
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person mainly from Kate's perspective. Line breaks are used appropriately to shift perspectives. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's a nice blend of dialogue and narration. The dialogue is sharp and dialogue tags are perfect.
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes. The author uses a nice economy of words to paint the backdrop of the story.
SETTING
TIME: modern day
PLACE: a coffee shop. A city is given, but I might suggest adding a state to frame the backdrop just a little more.
Good job establishing time and place. I
CHARACTERS
Kate (main) Quinn
There's enough here to understand her motivations. She was hurt by Quinn in the past.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling mistakes. I might suggest a minor edit for punctuation.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
For me, this was rare - I found a chapter one that really works here on WDC. This chapter had everything a chapter one to a novel is supposed to have. Kate and Quinn are interesting. I want to learn more about them. You introduced the conflict well and I wanted to go on and read the second chapter. Write on!
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
A behind the scenes look at what inspired Poe to write "The Raven."
WHAT I LIKED
I loved the original and creative take on this. Inspired!
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person omniscient. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
The dialogue accents the narration.
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes. The author uses a nice economy of words to paint the backdrop of the story.
SETTING
TIME: 1840s
PLACE: Boston
Good job establishing time and place. It helped to set the story well.
CHARACTERS
Poe
There's enough here to understand his motivations. He secretly desires Lenore.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
My only suggestion, and I suppose it's minor, is to show more of the story than telling it. The story does work the way presented. If you're a fan of Edgar Allan Poe, this is an enjoyable story that makes one ponder the possibilities.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
Tory has a horrorifing Halloween in a comedic way.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked the ending. You had me going. Good character voice.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the 1st person by Tory. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
The dialogue accents the narration.
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes. When Mabel describes Tory's plight I could easily picture it.
SETTING
TIME: modern day
PLACE: Tory's bedroom?
This works for the story.
CHARACTERS
Tory
Tory feels like she's been haunted until Mabel gives it away.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
I have no suggestions for improvement. A good Halloween comedy. I love how the punchline wasn't given away until the last. I also loved the opening sentence; oh, if anything I might put "I curse the day I moved into that dark..."
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile.php/reviews/sgcardin/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/41
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.77 seconds at 10:58pm on Dec 17, 2025 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
Puzzle Hub
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
WHAT I LIKED
