Hello, it's StephBee with a Review from the Sandbox.
I apologize for not having this to you sooner. Real life has a way of interfering with my WDC time. The following review is based on the first 5 chapters of the novel.
THE STORY
A young girl is sent to learn the art of magic at a special school.
WHAT I LIKED
I thought this was very creative. The author did a good establishing the world (time, place, and setting) of the story.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person. Good job with pov narration, as narration switches appropriately which chapter shifts. Past tense is also used appropriately.
I thought all the characters were developed well, especially Adely who is shaping up to the series villianess. If anything, and this might be a tad nit picky, I might suggest working a little bit on each character's voices to further define them. Adely appears to have the most defined voice as she's bossy and arrogant. Calixte also has a good voice.
I thought the prologue was a good opening and it caught my attention, but after that, we don't hear anything from Vivian, Veradien, or Valoren. Don't drop the plot here. You've got bring them back sooner than what you do.
DESCRIPTIONS
The descriptions were enough to get the feel of the setting of the novel, but I think they can be expanded on by using the senses.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes. There were no uneven or choppy sentences.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
I think you've got a good plot, but it needs just a little tightening up, esp. regarding the three V's in the prologue. The structure in the opening chapters does appear to move smoothly after that. I might suggest just bringing in a little more focus. I think you've got a good world here for the reader to lose themselves in.
The author paints a scene of shopping and merriment during the Christmas holiday season.
WHAT I LIKED
I thought the author did a great job with the hectic pace of the evening. I thought I was right there.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the first person by the author/narrator. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DESCRIPTIONS
The descriptions are very good and help to put the reader in the moment.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes and I only have one suggestion for grammar. I might suggest using the barrel organ groaned or wheezed instead of the barrel organ groaned wheezily. I don't think you need the wheezily in there. That's kind of nit-picky, I know, but the added adverb isn't needed.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
Suggestions as mentioned above. A nice, visual vignette.
I liked how the story "snuck up" on me. I didn't expect it to take the twist that it did.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is written in the first person from Liliane's perspective. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
CHARACTERS
Liliane, her family
I loved the voice the author used to capture Liliane's tale. It seemed so hopeful, despite what was happening.
DESCRIPTIONS
I thought there were enough to establish the "feel" of the setting. Description is important here, as it sets the mystery up as to when this is happening. There's just enough to leave the reader guessing.
MECHANICS
I didn't spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes. There were no uneven or choppy sentences.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
I have no suggestions for improvement. A good story that offers hope when there's none to give.
Hello, it's StephBee with an Angel Army Port Raid Review.
THE STORY
A woman goes out of her way to find her ex-boyfriend with another woman.
WHAT I LIKED
I absolutely loved the voice in this story. It really brought out the characterization of the narrator.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This letter is told in the first person by the narrator. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
The dialogue was appropriate to the topic.
CHARACTERS
Narrator (main)
Our narrator, a spurned woman, goes to find her ex-boyfriend. At first I thought this was going to end on a dark note, but the comedic ending put a smile on my face.
DESCRIPTIONS
I thought the descriptions were great. They really helped to put the reader in the story.
MECHANICS
I didn't spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
I have no suggestions for improvement. A great ending.
Hello, it's StephBee with an Angel Army Port Raid Review.
THE STORY
The narrator recounts a time, when as a little girl, she learned a life lesson.
WHAT I LIKED
I loved the ending and how the narrator summed up the life lesson.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This letter is told in the first person by the narrator. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
The dialogue was incorprated into the text of the story. While not a lot, it helps to drive in the point of the life lesson.
CHARACTERS
Narrator, friends (in a supporting role)
The narrator is a bit of daredevil as a young girl and decides to race down a rocky hill with no chain on her bike. The last girl to race down the hill decides not to, leading the narrator to come to a couple of life lessons. What I loved is this is how it happens in real life as well.
DESCRIPTIONS
I love the descriptions of the hill and of the girls' emotions. They really painted the setting of the story well.
MECHANICS
I didn't spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
I have no suggestions for improvement. A good story about life lessons.
Hello, it's StephBee with an Angel Army Port Raid Review.
THE STORY
This is a journal entry of Spanish captain during the time of the Armada's attack on England.
WHAT I LIKED
Since I love military, drama, and history, I enjoyed this entry as it blended all three genres.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This letter is told in the first person by Alsonso. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There was no dialogue.
CHARACTERS
Alsonso
He came across as a good leader. He wants to do well, but has doubts, and like a good leader, he keeps the doubts to himself. Good voice and characterization in such a story letter.
DESCRIPTIONS
I thought the descriptions were enough paint the time and setting.
MECHANICS
I didn't spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
I have no suggestions for improvement. A good read that is educational, yet in a easy eay.
Hello, it's StephBee with an Angel Army Port Raid Review.
THE STORY
This is a letter describing how a man is frustrated by his daughter's "unsuitable" suitor.
WHAT I LIKED
I loved the voice here. I thought the author did a fantastic job capturing George's voice and that put me in the time & setting.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is a letter told in the first person by George. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There was no dialogue.
CHARACTERS
George
George comes across a bit grumpy (by today's standards) but I also got the feeling he was a concerned parent concerning his daughter, and that's something to relate to in today's society as well.
DESCRIPTIONS
I thought the descriptions were enough establish how unsuitable Stonewall was.
MECHANICS
I didn't spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
I have no suggestions for improvement. The letter did a great job putting me "in the moment."
Hello, it's StephBee with an Angel Army Port Raid Review.
THE STORY
This character driven story has John contemplating a major life decision.
WHAT I LIKED
I thought the characterization was very rich here. John is a very well rounded character.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person mainly using John's perspective. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There was no dialogue.
CHARACTERS
John
John's had a lot to deal with - the death of his father and managing the horse farm. I like how he evaluated his situtation and came to his decision. He's a very likable character.
DESCRIPTIONS
I thought the descriptions were enough to paint the scene of the office. They helped to establish the setting.
MECHANICS
I didn't spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
If anything, I might suggest spacing between paragraphs if only to make it easier on the reader's eyes here at WDC. I thought the ending was very satisifing and the story came full circle.
Hello, it's StephBee with a Simply Everything Review.
THE STORY
Told in a series of letters, this is the story of how a little girl living on a lake finally makes it to her island.
WHAT I LIKED
I loved the format. I thought it was daring and inovative.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
Each letter is told in the person person by either "Grand" or Kira. Past tense is used appropriately.
MECHANICS
I did not notice any spelling mistakes. However, I thought there were too my exclamation points. I can see where they exclamation points would be all right with Kira, since she's 8 and a little exhubrant, but in Grand's letters I thought there just too much. I might suggest using more periods with Grand's letter. I realize this might be nit-picky, but I don't think an older woman would use so many !! in her writing. Still, this didn't take away from my enjoyment of the story.
CHARACTERS
Grand & Kira
I loved the characterization in this story. I could feel who both the characters were, Kira was a full loving 8 year old and Grand, the older wiser, sweet grandmother. Two thumbs up on characterization.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
Suggestion as mentioned above. A great story as told by letters. The ending was satisfing with Kira reaching the island.
Hello, it's StephBee with a Simply Everything Review.
THE POEM
A visual poem about a carousel ride.
WHAT I LIKED
The poem is in continual motion, spinning round and round, much like a carousel. The ending was excellent. The descriptions were fantasic - it was easy to picture in my mind.
STRUCTURE
This is a free form poem with no apparent rythme scheme.
MECHANICS
I did not notice any spelling mistakes. The punctutation is very delibrate, proving effective.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
I have no suggestions for improvement. I thought this poem was presented well. The ending couplet really sent the poem home for me.
Kell is a hunter and engages in a fierce battle with a reptile.
WHAT I LIKED
I loved the opening action sequence. It grabbed my attention immedately.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is written in the 3rd person mainly from Kell's perspective. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DESCRIPTIONS
The descriptions are very vivid and really bring the scenes to life, but if anything, and this is being kinda of nitpicky, I might cut back a little on them to make the action of the battle stand out that much more.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes. There were no uneven or choppy sentences.
This is very positive and upbeat. I have a friend with an autistic child, and I see it wear her down. It was nice to see the advantages.
BODY
The author presents the case then states her opinion, backing it up with facts. The writing style is easy to read and pulls the reader in. The article also proves educational and not in a "preachy" way.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
I have no suggestions for improvement. Thank you for sharing such a personal story with us.
Hello, it's StephBee with a Bard's Hall Contest Review
THE STORY
This is the story of a modern day Romeo & Juliet.
WHAT I LIKED
I thought this was a good modern day spin. I liked how the "warring" fathers were competitors in the construction field.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person. POV Narration appropriately shifts with line breaks. Past tense is used effectively.
DIALOGUE
I thought the dialogue was realistic and effective.
CHARACTERS
Romeo & Jules (main)
Both are in high school and when they meet, I like how they had fun with their names. I thought the meeting was realistic. The characters were likable, so if anything, I would have loved to have read a scene where they just spent time hanging out together and realizing they were falling in love. I think a little characterization is lost here for the pacing of the story.
DESCRIPTIONS
If anything, I thought their might be more description. For example when they meet, you could describe the bustle of activity that surrounds them at the party.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
I liked how it followed the prompt. It told a very sweet story with a happy ending.
If anything I thought the pace of the story was very quick. Good luck in the Bard's Hall Contest!
Hello, it's StephBee with a Bard's Hall Contest Review
THE STORY
A city girl meets a cowboy and the sparks fly.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked the conflict the story introducted - city girl and rural cowboy. I also enjoyed the voice of the characters.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the first person by Sarah. POV Narration is good. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
The dialogue is witty and engaging. I really enjoyed it. Two thumbs up.
CHARACTERS
Sarah (main) Elise and Troy (supporting)
Sarah was very sweet, yet realistic about her romantic chances. Troy came across as a bear of man who is totally appealing. Their characters both embodied the nervousness that one has when a romance starts out.
DESCRIPTIONS
If anything, I thought their might be more description. I had the impression this took place in the city (Boise?) but there's not much to "set" the setting or time and place.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
I enjoyed this. It was cute, funny, and appealing to the romantic in me.
I thought the plot/pacing was fine. The story fit the prompt well. Good luck in the Bard's Hall Contest!
Hello, it's StephBee with a Show Off Your Best at the Sandbox Review.
THE STORY
A man meets a woman in his dream.
WHAT I LIKED
I thought the story captured the spirit of romance well.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person mainly from the man's perspective. Good job with POV narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
1ST 3 PARAGRAPHS
I liked the subtle intrigue of the opening. It kept me reading.
DIALOGUE
There was no dialogue in the story.
CHARACTERS
Man & woman
What I liked about the characterization is the dreamy quality it had - an excellent compliment to the dream itself.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes. One phrase didn't ring true to me and that was "on the comer," and I might suggest using another expression or description for it. It just seemed awkward to me.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
I have no suggestions for improvement. I thought the plot was well thought out and the pacing was appropriate. This was a nice, romantic vignette.
This was entered into the Show Off Your Best Contest for Feb. 2007. It fit the prompt (romance) well. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules.
This reads like an excerpt from a newspaper as it recounts the death of a famous Hollywood director.
WHAT I LIKED
This story reminded me of the drama that's going on with the Anna Nicole story currently. I thought it was well written and played those more sensational elements of people who are "larger than life."
MECHANICS
I did not spot and spelling/punctutation mistakes. There were no uneven or choppy sentences.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
I have no suggestions for improvement. I think this could be expanded into a good murder mystery story.
A young girl learns that winning isn't everything.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked how the girl learns her lesson. Amy was a very sweet character.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the first person by Laurel. Good job with POV Narration. Past tense is used effectively.
DIALOGUE
I thought the dialogue was realistic.
[b}CHARACTERS
Amy and Laurel
Both were easy to relate to. I really idenified with Amy who went the extra mile to reach out to Laurel.
Laurel is a bit bratty to begin with, but by the end of the story, you can see how Amy has touched her life in a positive way.
MECHANICS
I did not spot and spelling/punctutation mistakes. I might suggest watching out for repetation in sentences. For example, as written: "I hated her for that, and informed her of that." I might suggest: "I hated her for that and told her so."
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
Suggestions as noted above. I might also suggest spacing between paragraphs here on WDC to make it easier on the reader's eyes. I liked how the story told a message, but not in a "preachy" way.
This poem was contemplative of certain actions a person can make.
WHAT I LIKED
The poem starts on a down note but ends on a high note, inspiring hope and bringing out courage. I liked how it looked a choice and decided it was the wrong one.
STRUCTURE
This is a free form poem and while there are rhymes, there is no scheme. I found the meter rhythmic and lulling.
MECHANICS
I did not spot and spelling/punctutation mistakes.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
I have no suggestions for improvement. Expressive.
I thought this was a wonderful testiment to love. It was very positive and upbeat.
STRUCTURE
This is a free form poem with no apparent ryhme scheme. I might suggest spiliting the poem into stanzas as the poem progresses. Show us the visual progression as well.
MECHANICS
I did not spot and spelling/punctutation mistakes.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
Suggestion as noted above. It is an endearing love poem.
Reviewed by StephB from the Sandbox.
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THE STORY
WHAT I LIKED
