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Review of Instant Karma  Open in new Window.
Review by StephBee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, I'm StephBee Author IconMail Icon and I am reviewing your story for The Best of the Rest Contest. Thanks for entering.

*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Reading* THE IN & OUT

This in and out offers inspirational quotes based on "karma."

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I believe in karma. This is a nice place to pop into and get inspired, especially with NaNoWriMo this month.

*Star* CONTENT

There are a lot of quotes. Nice variety.


*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctation mistakes.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

The centering of the in & out is a bit off and it's too big for my screen. Good use of WDC ML. Good use of graphics to set the mood for the in & out. Good luck in the contest.

Best of the Rest Banner
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1002
Review by StephBee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Reading* THE STORY

Fay is a pysch student who finds it challenging.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I liked the ending. It was very dramatic and intense.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the third person limited from Fay's perspective. The POV switches with no clear line breaks which readers can find disconcerting. (It's known as head hopping.) I might suggest an edit for POV narration and stick strictly with Fay's perspective. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star* DIALOGUE

There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. I would suggest spacing between dialogue tags. Keeping tags in a paragraph can be disconcerting to readers.

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on.

*Star* SETTING

TIME: modern day?
PLACE: college campus?

This is something that that is not defined but could be clarified for the reader.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Fay

There's enough here to understand his motivations. The end plays into all her concerns. *Thumbsup*

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.
*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader.

#1 2009 Review signature
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1003
Review of Golden  Open in new Window.
Review by StephBee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Reading* THE STORY

A couple celebrate a sad anniversary.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I thought the author used a good economy of words to convey feeling.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the third person omniscent. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star* DIALOGUE

The dialogue drives the story. Good job.

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

This is something that could be expanded on. What does the room smell like? Bittersweet or tragedic?

*Star* SETTING

TIME: modern day?
PLACE: urban setting?

This is something that that is not defined but could be clarified for the reader.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Husband

There's enough here to understand his motivations. (He's dying) *Thumbsup*

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestions as mentioned above. A poignant vignette.

#1 2009 Review signature
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1004
Review of Irish Rose  Open in new Window.
Review by StephBee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Reading* THE STORY

A princess, Annabelle, is passionately in love with Adrian, but her father wants her to marry Marcus.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I liked how the author used letters to tell the story. Very creative. You don't see that too much. I also liked the title. It summed up the essence of the story.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the first person mainly by Annabelle through her letters. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.


*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on. I know it's a letter, but you could use metaphors, strategically placed to describe high emotion.

*Star* SETTING

TIME: long ago
PLACE: Ireland

This is something that was clarified for the reader.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Annabelle

There's enough here to understand her motivations. She's not in love with the man who will be her husband, so she writes letters to her love, Adrian. *Thumbsup*

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestion as mentioned above. The letters tell a romantic, yet sad story, reminicient of "Romeo & Juliet."

#1 2009 Review signature
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1005
Review by StephBee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Reading* THE STORY

A man helps an elf free a wizard from a fallen tree.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I liked the writer's style. It was easy to read and easy to get into the story.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the first person by an unnamed narrator. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star* DIALOGUE

There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. The dialogue moves the story forward. Good job with dialogue tags

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on.

*Star* SETTING

TIME: modern day?
PLACE: forest/hospital ER

This was clarified for the reader.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Unnamed narrator

If anything, I might have had the elf or the wizard ask his name. It's the least they can do for him helping them. There's enough here to understand his motivations. He's a good samaritian. *Thumbsup*

*Star* MECHANICS

I might suggest an edit for spelling/punctutation. If you do an edit, let me know and I'll increase your rating.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestions as mentioned above. Also, I might want to double check the ending - it seems to be rather abrupt and I'm not sure you meant to leave the story hanging like that. Good character voice.

#1 2009 Review signature
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1006
Review by StephBee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, this is StephBee Author IconMail Icon with a Best of the Rest Contest Review.

*Reading* THE FORUM

This forum hosts the author's review page.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I loved the theme which revolved around coffee.

*Star* CONTENT/RULES

The rules were easy to understand. Nice variety of packages to choose from. The prices were reasonable.

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes.

*Star* SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS

I have no sugestions for improvement. Good use of WDC ML and graphics. The opening graphic helped to set the theme of the forum. A nice way to support the WDC Community. Good luck in the Best of the Rest Contest.

Best of the Rest Banner
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Review by StephBee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, this is StephBee Author IconMail Icon with a Best of the Rest Contest Review.

*Reading* THE FORUM

This is forum encourages participants to come up with alliterations.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

Nice word play. The contest helps the participants to grow in words.

*Star* CONTENT/RULES

The rules were easy to understand, but the big font was a little hard on the eye. I might suggest using regular size font and only 1 bigger if you want to highlight something.

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes.

*Star* SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS

Suggestions as mentioned above. I see that you used WDC ML, but again, I thought the font was too big for the eyes. You might consider having an opening graphic to have a visual reference for the theme of the forum. The forum looks to have a lot of activity. Nice community support. Good luck in the Best of the Rest Contest.

Best of the Rest Banner
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Review by StephBee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, this is StephBee Author IconMail Icon with a Best of the Rest Contest Review.

*Reading* THE IN & OUT

This in and out encourages creatively by using 3 words to continue a story.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

A good word building activity. The In & Out appears active and the participants are having fun.

*Star* CONTENT/RULES

The rules were easy to understand.

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes.

*Star* SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS

Good use of WDC ML. If anything, I might suggest using an opening graphic for a visual reference for the theme. Nice community support. Good luck in the Best of the Rest Contest.

Best of the Rest Banner
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1009
Review by StephBee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Hello, I'm StephBee Author IconMail Icon and I am reviewing your story for The Bard's Hall Contest. Thanks for entering.

*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Reading* THE STORY

A cute story about an unicorn and what's at the end of a rainbow.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I liked the end. It was cute.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the first person by an unnamed narrator. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star* DIALOGUE

There's no dialogue.

*Star* SETTING

TIME: ?
PLACE: a field at the end of a rainbow

This is something that is defined but not clarified for the reader.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Narrator

There's enough here to understand her/his motivations. He/She is sure there's a reward at the end of the rainbow. *Thumbsup*

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestions as mentioned above. I liked the narrator's voice, it engaged the reader. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.

#1 2009 Review signature
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1010
Review by StephBee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello, I'm StephBee Author IconMail Icon and I am reviewing your story for The Bard's Hall Contest. Thanks for entering.

*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Reading* THE STORY

Hooves, the cow, goes to the post office to buy some stamps.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

The loved the comedic touch in the story. Hooves is the coolest cool I've ever met. I especially liked his man-purse.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the third person limited mainly from Hooves's perspective. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star* DIALOGUE

There's a good blend of dialogue and narration.

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes, if you wanted to, you could expand on this.

*Star* SETTING

TIME: modern day
PLACE: Post office

This is something that is clarified for the reader.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Hooves

Hooves is just a good natured cow. While he's not directly effected by "the government," we see through his eyes the effect of government. *Thumbsup*

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling mistakes. I might suggest a minor edit for punctutation.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestion as mentioned above. The opening is interesting and captures the reader's attention. Nice satire which makes a point. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.

#1 2009 Review signature
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1011
Review of Family Matters  Open in new Window.
Review by StephBee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, I'm StephBee Author IconMail Icon and I am reviewing your story for The Bard's Hall Contest. Thanks for entering.

*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Reading* THE STORY

An old man decides to reverse the tables with his children.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I thought the author did a great job showing how paterical (sp?) the society was. She did a good job showing a different culture.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the third person mainly from an unknown narrator's position. Past tense is used appropriately. I might suggest tightening up the narration a little - use a third person limited and tell it from one perspective - maybe one of the daughters?

*Star* DIALOGUE

There's a good blend of dialogue and narration.

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes, if anything you could expand on this.

*Star* SETTING

TIME: modern day
PLACE: India

This is something that is clarified for the reader, but I think could be a little expanded on. What city? Paint the Indian backdrop for the reader.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Old gentleman, the children, Lokesh, the wife,

There's enough here to understand the old man's motivations, and that he looks at a person's heart and judges accordingly. He found his sons lacking. *Thumbsup*

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling mistakes. I might suggest a minor edit for punctuation.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening is interesting. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.

#1 2009 Review signature
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1012
Review by StephBee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Reading* THE STORY

Kate's parents are getting divorced.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

Great character voice. I really like Kate was talking.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the first person by Kate. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star* DIALOGUE

There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. I would suggest an edit for dialogue tags. Use only "he said" or "she replied" in tags to identify the speaker only, if you have to. Put action in a seperate sentence. Put the action first, then the dialogue.

FOR EXAMPLE, AS WRITTEN: "You won't get your way this time, Edward," she hissed, still pacing back and forth.

MY SUGGESTION: Mother paced back and forth, unable to tame her restless energy. "You won't get your way this time, Edward."

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on, especially when painting the 1888.

*Star* SETTING

TIME: 1888
PLACE: England

This is clarified well for the reader.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Kate

There's enough here to understand her. She had to fend for herself in the light of her parents divorce. *Thumbsup*

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling mistakes. I might suggest a minor edit for punctuation.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

I would suggest spacing between paragraphs in the WDC format because it's easier on the eyes to read. Again, good voice. I think divorce in Victorian England would be highly frowned upon. It certainlly wasn't accepted as it was now. I would think the parents choising to live apart would be more of an appropriate solution for them considering the time period. Food for thought, nothing more.

#1 2009 Review signature
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1013
Review of Edge of Reality  Open in new Window.
Review by StephBee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Reading* THE STORY

Leah fears her husband, Cliff is cheating on her - again.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I liked the introspection Leah went through to make her choice.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the third person limited mainly from Leah's perspective. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star* DIALOGUE

There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. I would suggest an edit for dialogue tags. Use only "he said" or "she replied" in tags to identify the speaker only, if you have to. Put action in a seperate sentence. Put the action first, then the dialogue.


*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes. I got a good visual of the story.

*Star* SETTING

TIME: modern day?
PLACE: urban setting?

This is something that that is not defined but could be clarified for the reader.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Leah

There's enough here to understand her motivations. *Thumbsup*

*Star* MECHANICS

I might suggest a minor edit for spelling and punctuation.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

The opening paragraph sets the scene for the story then we have a little exposition, which throws the opening off a little. Then again, it's all infomation that the reader would like to know as it sets the stage for the reason why Leah makes the decision. Overall, it works, but it's a lot of info after the action of the opening.

The title was very appropriate to the story. I felt on the edge of reality right along with Leah!

#1 2009 Review signature
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Review by StephBee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Reading* THE STORY

Junior Young is a kid who has been picked on since the day he was born. Then he meets Uriah Johnson...

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

This was creepy good. I was totally creeped out, and I liked the ending and how it was left up to the reader to believe what they wanted.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the first person by Junior. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star* DIALOGUE

There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. I didn't see any problem with the dialogue tags. My only caution is with the accent. Personally, I like to use accents because I think it makes the story more authentic, but some don't care for the accents. I've found accents can work well or they can totally backfire on you. If anything, when I write an accent, I try to tone it down a bit. This is just my personal observation on accents and is not a reflection of the story.

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes. It got a good sense of Junior's world.

*Star* SETTING

TIME: modern day?
PLACE: rural setting?

This is something that that is not defined but could be clarified for the reader.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Junior

There's enough here to understand his motivations - the fact he's been picked on for so long. Adding Uriah to help explain what he does is a nice twist. *Thumbsup*

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

I have no suggestions for improvement. I loved the beginning. It drew me right into the story. I thought the 18+ rating was appropriate to the story. Good luck in the Short Shots contest!

#1 2009 Review signature
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1015
Review of Memories  Open in new Window.
Review by StephBee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Reading* THE STORY

Rose and Emmett find another couple have the same special bench.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

It was a very sweet story. Quick and easy to read. I could see how your love for Stephenie Meyer influenced the story.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in dialogue. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star* DIALOGUE

The dialogue drives the narration. Well done.

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

This is something that could be expanded on. Usually description comes in narration, which there's little of. I did get a visual of the bench, but not much else while I was reading.

*Star* SETTING

TIME: modern day?
PLACE: urban setting?

This is something that that is not defined but could be clarified for the reader.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Rose and Emmett.

There's enough here to understand her turmoil over the bench. Emmett does a good job reassuring her of his memories. *Thumbsup*

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling mistakes. I might suggest a minor edit for punctuation.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestions as mentioned above. It's a very romantic piece in that Emmett is the one to reasure Rose that it's not the bench, but the memories that count and coming from a man, that means a lot!

#1 2009 Review signature
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1016
Review of Uncut Diamond  Open in new Window.
Review by StephBee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Reading* THE STORY

Saima's parents are trying to arrange a marriage for her, but in her culture, she's consider "too" old.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I just finished reading "Kabul Beauty School" so I recognized this as part of the custom from that side of the world. I thought it was an accurate portrayal and I have to give Javed credit for picking her.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the third person limited mainly from Saima's perspective. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star* DIALOGUE

Th dialogue accents the narration.

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on.

*Star* SETTING

TIME: modern day?
PLACE: southeast asia, perhaps?

This is something that that is not defined but could be clarified for the reader.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Saima

There's enough here to understand her. She has to go through the custom to get married and sadly, it's almost humilating for most women to be scruitized like so. *Thumbsup*

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestions as mentioned above. While the ritual of courting in this story usually doesn't leave much for romance, what I thought evoked a sense of romance was Javed "stepping up to the plate" and telling his mother he'd married Saima. Javed is taking a chance, and that's what trusting in romance is all about - taking a chance. That in itself strikes a romance chord in this story.


#1 2009 Review signature

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Review of Brass Screws  Open in new Window.
Review by StephBee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Note1* This is StephBee Author IconMail Icon with a Show Off Your Best at the Sandbox Contest Review. My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Reading* THE STORY

A man, stuck in a rut, finds inspiration in an old man's story.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I liked Murphy. He was quite a character.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the third person limited mainly from Mike's perspective. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star* DIALOGUE

There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. The dialogue drives the narration.

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes. I thought I was in the drugstore right next to Mike and Murphy.

*Star* SETTING

TIME: modern day.
PLACE: drugstore.

This is clarified for the reader.


*Star* CHARACTERS

Mike, main

There's enough here to understand his motivations. He has no inspiration, but finds it after talking to a man who has lived a full life. *Thumbsup*

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes. One typo: pregnancy test should be tests.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestions as mentioned above. I liked how the story had an "every day" feel for it. The story fit the prompt - biographical. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.

Blue ribbon banner for contest.
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Review by StephBee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Note1* This is StephBee Author IconMail Icon with a Show Off Your Best at the Sandbox Contest Review. My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Reading* THE STORY

A man must decide if he should save his wife or his child.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

The dilemma posed has followed us through the ages. It's a close to your topic that many can identify with. Not surprisingly, the man's gut instinct is to save his wife's life. He loves her and wants to be with her.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the third person limited mainly from Nazmul's perspective. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star* DIALOGUE

There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. If anything, watch out for dialogue tags. Put action in a seperate sentence, not in a dialogue tag. For example, as written:

"Go ahead, doctor," Komol declared, signing the documents required. "Please save my child."

My suggestion: Komol signed the documents. "Go ahead, doctor. Save my child."

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes. If you wanted to, you could expand on this. Use the descriptions to augment the emotions flowing through Nazmul.

*Star* SETTING

TIME: mid 1960's
PLACE: India? I'm not sure where the "Red Crescent" is.

This is something that that is not defined but could be clarified for the reader.


*Star* CHARACTERS

Nazmul, main

There's enough here to understand his motivations. He loves his family, but his choice is not easy. *Thumbsup*

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestions as mentioned above. A gripping read. The story fit the prompt - biographical. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.

Blue ribbon banner for contest.
1019
1019
Review by StephBee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Reading* THE STORY

An autobiographical look by the author at her time in the Peace Corps.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

This is a very exciting account. I was on the edge of my seat. You made this come alive!

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the first person by the narrator (author). Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star* DIALOGUE

The dialogue accents the narration.

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes. I was able to picture the story in my mind. I especially liked: "It tasted like copper in my mouth. Its pungent stench burned my nostrils."

*Star* SETTING

TIME: modern day - 1994
PLACE: central Africia

This was clearly defined for the reader.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Narrator, main

There's enough here to understand her motivations. She had a desire to help others. *Thumbsup*

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

I have no suggestions for improvement. The opening sets the tone for the story to come. The story fit the prompt - biographical. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.

Blue ribbon banner for contest.
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Review of Adriana's Tale  Open in new Window.
Review by StephBee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Reading* THE STORY

Adriana tries to save her sister from "the beast."

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I true, masterful tale of horror. I literary felt "breathless" the entire time I was reading - just like I suspect Adriana was.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the third person limited through Adriana's perspective. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star* DIALOGUE

The dialogue accents the narration.

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's a good balance of description. It's not overwhelming, but just enough to give you the flavor of the setting. I especially liked: "The fear eating in her chest was so intense it felt like a rat gnawing at her flesh from inside her body." Ewww, that's gruesome!

*Star* SETTING

TIME: modern day?
PLACE: rural, island setting named Nob Hill

This is defined for the reader and augments the "horror" aspects of the story.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Adriana

There's enough here to understand her motivations. She wants to save her sister which is totally understandable.*Thumbsup*

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes. The story is tight mechanically.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

I have no suggestions for improvement. A terrifing read. I loved the opening sentence. How could a perfect day be horrorifing? A great tease that hooks!

#1 2009 Review signature
1021
1021
Review of Folgers Falls  Open in new Window.
Review by StephBee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Reading* THE STORY

George, an overworked cubicle worker is challenged to make coffee.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I liked the comedy of the story. It was light-hearted and easy to laugh at.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the first person by George. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star* DIALOGUE

There's a good blend of dialogue and narration.

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes. If you wanted to expand on this, you could go into the various scents of coffee.

*Star* SETTING

TIME: modern day
PLACE: office setting

This is clarified well for the reader and augments the comedic elements of the story.

*Star* CHARACTERS

George

Poor George. He just wants to make coffee - reluctantly at that. *Thumbsup*

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening catches the reader's attention.

#1 2009 Review signature
1022
1022
Review of WWI Story  Open in new Window.
Review by StephBee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Reading* THE STORY

Set in the French trenches during World War I, a British squad must defend the line.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I loved the characterization! It gave the story a sense of authencity.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the third person omniscient. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star* DIALOGUE

There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. The dialogue moves the story forward nicely. There's a lot of good showing here as opposed to telling and I enjoyed it very much!

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes. If anything, you could expand on this. You don't need a lot, just a few stragetic sentences placed. Touch on the sense of smell a bit more. I can't imagine the trenches smell good.

*Star* SETTING

TIME: World War I
PLACE: trenches in France.

This is clearly defined and allows the reader to picture the backdrop of the story. Well done!

*Star* CHARACTERS

Cpl McCaughey, Pinhole, Chatterbox, & Potts, Pvt. Harris

This is an ensamable cast which is very enjoyable. I enjoyed how each character had their quirks, yet came together as a team.

There's enough here to understand their motivations. *Thumbsup*

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling mistakes. I might suggest a minor edit for punctuation. Spell out "OK" in manuscript writing. (It's okay for journalistic writing, but not for manuscript writing.)

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening pulls the reader in by inserting them in the heat of battle. Great visuals without being too wordy. I can see the potential to expand this. Write on!

#1 2009 Review signature
1023
1023
Review of Quiet Memory  Open in new Window.
Review by StephBee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Reading* THE STORY

Father Samuel has a pleasant memory in his twilight years.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

This is a nice vignette filled with emotion.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the 3rd person limited from Father Samuel's perspective. Good job with POV narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

Beautiful. They really tell Father Samuel's emotional story. I loved the mention of Icarus.

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

I have no suggestions for improvement. A pogniant vignette.

The Drama Masks.
1024
1024
Review of Arocha Aroma  Open in new Window.
Review by StephBee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*Reading* THE SCRIPT

A look at the Apache adults.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

This was a nice insight into the Apache culture.

*Star* THE FORMAT

The script was formated well and easy to understand.

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes.

*Star* SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS

This is a nice vignette. I liked the opening, spanning over the fire pit. If anything, I would have liked more of the scene. Maybe the Shaman could have told a story that was relevant to a situtation going on in the scene? I think you could easily expand on this.

The Drama Masks.
1025
1025
Review of Second Chance  Open in new Window.
Review by StephBee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello, I'm StephBee Author IconMail Icon and I am reviewing your story for Show Off Your Best. Thanks for entering.

*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Reading* THE STORY

This is an NCIS fan fiction. Gibbs foun someone he lost a long time ago.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I loved the characterization. I haven't had a chance to watch the series, but the writing was so solid, I felt very at ease with the characters.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the third person limited by Gibbs. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star* DIALOGUE

There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. I would suggest an edit for dialogue tags. Use only "he said" or "she replied" in tags to identify the speaker only, if you have to. Put action in a seperate sentence. Put the action first, then the dialogue.

FOR EXAMPLE, AS WRITTEN: "NCIS," he announced, not lowering his Sig.

MY SUGGESTION: Gibbs didn't bother to lower his Sig. "NCIS."


*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scene, it could be expanded on a little, not much. I especially liked: "She reached up to smooth the copper kissed strands."

*Star* SETTING

TIME: modern day.
PLACE: Washington DC?

I wasn't sure on the place. Since I'd never seen the series, I wasn't sure where the place in the setting was.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Gibbs

There's enough here to understand both his motivations. The salty ol' investigator thought his wife was dead. She wasn't. *Thumbsup*

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening is intriguing as Gibbs notices the woman and engages the reader right away. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.

#1 2009 Review signature
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