Hello, it's StephBee with a Review from the Sandbox.
THE CHAPTER
Robert, a boy stuck in the foster care system, moves onto a foster care house, where he discovers his sexuality as a young teenager.
WHAT I LIKED
The end of the chapter had a great hook. As usual, I was impressed with the strong characterization.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the first person. Past tense is used effectively.
1ST 3 PARAGRAPHS
They were an effective transition from the last chapter, telling us about Robert's life as he prepared to transition from Linda and John's house.
CHARACTERIZATION
We learn more about Robert and how he is developing. The characterization is very rich. I was also impressed with Christine's letter. While the author underplays it, it tells alot about the character of Robert's mother. Poorly written and articulated, the reader has the impression that Christine never had her life together.
MECHANICS & SOUND
There were no uneven or choppy sentences. I did not spot any spelling/puncutation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
I have no suggestions for improvement. Excellent chapter. Plot and pacing were perfect as we transitioned to another chapter in Robert's life. Rating and genres are appropriate. This story is not for the faint at heart and is clearly intended for a more mature audience.
I loved how the poem made me feel. It was very positive and uplifting
STRUCTURE
This is a free form poem with no apparent rythme scheme, but there a couple of rythmes. For the most part the rythmes feel natural, but "slip/drip" feels a little forced.
MECHANICS
There really is no need to capitalize most of the words. I might suggest just capitalizing the first word of a sentence.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
The only thing that confused me was the stanza beginning with "But When Hope And Persevere;" Is there a word missing? It feels like it.
With a little polish, this poem will shine, and I'd love to rate the author higher if there is an edit.
The author recounts a historical story about her family's past, how a group of Indian women and children are slaughtered in Kentucky.
WHAT I LIKED
While trying to keep track of the ancestory was a little challenging, I loved how the author tapped into history to tell a very heartbreaking story and used the ending to apply that story to her present day life as an inspiration.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
The story is told in the 3rd person omniscient. Past tense is used appropriately.
MECHANICS
I spotted two minor mistakes, "has" should be "had" in the sentenced "Dillon and Red Bird has/had a personal treaty..." and I might suggest using a colon (:) after ...from chilhood is this. (:) While Red Bird...
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
I have no suggestions for improvement. The story is heartbreaking, especially knowing the history behind it. I loved the ending. I thought it was emotional and passionate.
A man buys the last record John Lennon autographed, only to have it haunt him.
WHAT I LIKED
I could definately "feel" the Stephen King influence. I thought the author did a great job with it.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This was told in the 3rd person. Past tense is used effectively.
DIALOGUE
Apporpriate to the story.
DESCRIPTIONS
I liked the descriptions used in this story. I thought they were sharp.
Example: "...and snapped the latches, which cracked open like two quick rifle shots."
CHARACTERS
Thomas Anderson, "The Voice."
Thomas is cynical and crude and while he hides his attitude to the outside well, it doesn't escape the reader. Good characterizaton. "The Voice" of Lennon, the yin/yang took on a life of it's own.
FIRST 3 PARAGRAPHS
They definately caught my interest - adding an element of curiousity to inspire the reader to keep reading.
SOUND & MECHANICS
There were no uneven or choppy sentences. I did not spot any grammar/puncutation mistakes. Technically, this is well presented.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
If anything, I might suggest using italics instead of () to highlight the ghost voice. Plot and pacing were well done and kept me on the edge of my seat.
A woman, living in Russia during World War II, prepares to be attacked by a squad of German soldiers.
WHAT I LIKED
The author's note really helps to make this a very personal piece. I honestly felt like I, too, were living the last minutes of this woman's life as well.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This was told in the first person. Past tense is used effectively.
SOUND & MECHANICS
There were no uneven or choppy sentences. I did not spot any grammar/puncutation mistakes. Technically, this is well presented.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
I was blown away with this vivid and impressive dream that suggests a past life memory. I believe.
This seems like a vignette that captures just the emotions of a story. It's a very "thought" driven piece and in that regard, it's well done. The emotions are pure and easily felt.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This was told in the third person omniscient. I might suggest an edit for tense. This was written mostly in the past tense, but I spotted a couple of errors.
As written: "She is consumed..." should be: "She was consumed..."
MECHANICS & SOUND
I did not spot any spelling mistakes, but I might suggest an edit for punctutation.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as mentioned above. Good writing exercise. I'd like to see this expanded on in a story.
Hello, it's StephBee with a review for the "Show off Your Best at the Sandbox" Sept. Contest entry.
THE STORY
Tommy gets lost and a magical rainbow helps him find his way home.
WHAT I LIKED
This was a very positive, uplifting story.
CHARACTERS
Tommy, The Man Who Lives at the End of the Rainbow
Tommy is your typical 10 year old, but learns a very valuable lesson from the Man Who Lives at the End of the Rainbow. Tommy's characterization is "spot on" as JK Rowling would say. He starts off thinking rather typical thoughts that a 10 year old might, but after meeting the Rainbow man, he learns how important it is to be good and listen to his parents.
DIALOGUE
Appropriate to the story.
FIRST 3 PARAGRAPHS
Were a good start to the story.
SOUND & MECHANICS
There were no uneven or choppy sentences. I did not spot any spelling/puncutation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
I have no suggestions for improvement. Plot/pacing where appropriate for the genre.
This story was entered in the SHOW OFF YOUR BEST AT THE SANDBOX Contest for Sept. 2006. It fit the prompt (children/parenting) well. Author lists the word count IAW the contest rules.
Hello, it's StephBee with a review for the Sept. Bard's Hall Contest.
THE STORY
A Loud Texas Woman disrupts the peace and quiet of the grocery where Maria works in New Mexico.
WHAT I LIKED
I loved the humor in this story. Sometimes things aren't what the seem. I like how Maria was so level headed.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person omniscent. POV Narration is consistant. Past tense is used effectively.
DIALOGUE
Two thumbs up for the dialogue. Sharp and witty, it's the best part of the story.
CHARACTERS
Maria, LTW
Maria exhibits the patience of Job in this story as the LTW just tests every aspect of it. What also impressed me was the fact the story is 611 words, but the characterization is tight and focused on both characters. Good job with limited words.
1st 3 PARAGRAPHS
Catchy and interesting. I loved the comedic word play. It easily held my attention.
SOUND & MECHANICS
There were no uneven or choppy sentences. I did not spot and spelling/punctuation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
I have no suggestions for improvement. Just Word Count was listed IAW w/contest rules. Plot, pacing fit the story well.
Hello, it's StephBee with a Review from the Sandbox.
THE STORY
John, miserable in his life, decides to kill his family and start anew in Mexico.
WHAT I LIKED
Excellent plot/pacing. Things aren't what they seem in this story. The first 3 paragraphs caught my attention and held it.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person from John's perspective. (see parting thoughts) The author uses past tense effectively.
CHARACTERS
John (main) Jill, Veronica, Timmy
Excellenct characterization regarding John. The author infuses just enough sympathy so the reader understands his motives, still, while you understand, you know there's no excuse for what he's done.
DESCRIPTIONS
I loved this line: "Like a guileful cat that pretneds not to impose even as she imposes." It's lines like that tell more than just description.
MECHANICS & SOUND
There were no uneven or choppy sentences. I did not spot any spelling mistakes. I might suggest an edit for punctuation. Technically, the story is well presented.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
My only suggestion is regarding this chapter: "There was one blue pill left..." The author writes the pill would draw attention to itself later, but if this is written in Jacob's POV, then how would he know the pill would draw attention to itself? If Jacob doesn't know it, then the reader doesn't know it. Still, this is minor compared to the whole story and it's not enough to take away from the rating.
Hello, it's StephBee with a Review from the Sandbox.
THE STORY
As a man dies, he focuses on his wedding ring as his prize possession, trying to put together the final moments of his life.
WHAT I LIKED
This is told in an interesting fashion, really getting into the head of the dying man, leaving the reader to put together clues as to what happened. It's suspenseful and interesting.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the first person. The author uses past tense effectively.
CHARACTERS
Dying Man
We only see the man in his final moments, but the characterization is well done. We learn that his wedding ring is important to him and that implies he's a good man, loyal, dedicated, and good.
DESCRIPTIONS
There are enouh to set the scene, but not the time or place. Still, the way the story is written, time and place don't necessarily need to be established.
MECHANICS & SOUND
There were no uneven or choppy sentences. I did not spot any spelling mistakes. I might suggest an edit for punctuation. Technically, the story is well presented.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
I really have no suggestions to improve the story.
The plot/pacing is just right for the story.
The first 3 paragraphs peak interest. Good focus - comparision/contrast with the line "Life's a bit" (from TV heroes)
Hello, it's StephBee with a Review from the Sandbox.
THE STORY
Robert recounts his memories of the time he stayed with Linda and John as a foster child.
WHAT I LIKED
The style is gritty and engaging. The author brings out sympathy for characters who "dare to cross the line." The characterization is rich and vibrant.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the first person. The author uses past tense effectively.
CHARACTERS
Robert (Linda/John/Pauline - supporting)
Robert is masterfully crafted, complex, vulnerable, yet unable to overcome what holds him back. He's a very well rounded character - shades of grey are blended perfectly with white and black.
The supporting cast is strong and the reader gets a good feel for Linda, John, and Pauline.
DESCRIPTIONS
There are enouh to set the scene. The author's descriptions of John and his lifestyle really help to set the tone of John's character.
MECHANICS & SOUND
There were no uneven or choppy sentences. I did not spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes. Technically, the story is well presented.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
I have a suggestion for the first paragraph. "She" is used three times in close promixity. I might suggest changing it up and using "Linda" every so often to break up the repeatation.
The plot/pacing is a little slow but it needs to be to bring out the richness of the characters involved.
The chapter ends with an effective hook, leaving the reader wanting to read more.
Hello, it's StephBee with a Review from the Sandbox.
THE STORY
Robert is abandoned by his mother and placed in the child care system. In this chapter he stays with his first set of foster parents, Barry and Judith.
WHAT I LIKED
A very heartbreaking read - gritty - emotional - intense. Great characterization.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the 1st person by Robert. Past tense is used appropriately.
1ST 3 PARAGRAPHS
Emotional - I got the impression this was a carathic purging of demons and that intrigued me to read more. The author's personal style was very engaging.
DESCRIPTIONS
They set the scenes well, but I was unsure where or when the story took place.
CHARACTERS
Robert (main) Gran, Barry, Judith, Pauline (supporting)
There's very rich characterization here. Even Robert's description of himself paints an eerie picture. The supporting cast is well defined in their roles and the author even manages to instill a sense of pity for Gran in her situtation.
MECHANICS & SOUND
There were no uneven or choppy sentences. I would suggest a copy edit for punctutation. For example in the opening quote, there should be a "period" after "ready."
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as mentioned above. The story is well written and well presented. You're off to a great start. It's a very powerful, emotional story.
Hello, it's StephBee with a Review from the Sandbox.
THE STORY
Katherine, a young woman who is pregnant, makes a decision regarding her life.
WHAT I LIKED
The title and reference to Lana Turner was brillant. I liked that aspect of the ending very much.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the 3rd person limited mainly from Katherine's POV. POV narration is well done. Past tense is used effectively.
DIALOGUE
Appropriate to the story.
1ST 3 PARAGRAPHS
I thought they moved a little slow. While it did make me think - why was she thumbing the package - and introduced questions to be answered within the story, it seemed a little out of focus.
DESCRIPTIONS
There were enough to set the scene, but I was unsure of time and place - possibly 40-50 years ago this took place?
CHARACTERS
Katherine, Bishop
Katherine is defined as a simple girl, easily trusting, even after the trama she's suffered. The Bishop seems a little domineering. In that regard, I think the characterization works for the length of the story, but I might suggest expanding it a little more to give us a better sense of the Bishop's motives.
MECHANICS & SOUND
There were no uneven or choppy sentences. I did not spot any spelling/puncutation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
I noticed you've got a good build up to the ending. Katherine has been raped, now expecting a child. As she waits for the Bishop to help her, she recalls a Lana Turner (possibly an inspiration in Katherine's life) but then the ending drops, and questions posed in the story seem not to be answered. Is the Bishop really her father? What happened to the men who took advantage of her? What or who is Katherine waiting for? Is she having an abortion because the Bishop is pushing it? Is she waiting for a man to marry? I was left wanting some answers.
Hello, it's StephB. This was supposed to be a Simply Everything Review but unfortunately, I'm behind the power curve. Forgive.
THE STORY
In this story, a bear eats a red sox and starts to choke, so enlists the beavers to help.
WHAT I LIKED
This was a good blend of the comedy & animal genres.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This was told in the 3rd person omniscient. Past tense is used effectively.
CHARACTERIZATION
Great chraracterization for the bear (letting his greedy little appetite get the better of him) and the for the beavers. I loved the concept of the SBF!
Hello, it's StephBee with a Review from the Sandbox.
THE STORY
The by-line sums up the story well. This is a fan fiction based on "sliders" where 4 friends have an adventure on a train before moving on.
WHAT I LIKED
The action scenes were tight.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
The author uses 3rd person omniscient to tell the story. Past tense is used effectively.
CHARACTERS
Steve, Jon, Sue, & Lisa
The story is plot driven and none of the characters are really fleshed out here.
DIALOGUE
Appropriate to the story.
SOUND & MECHANICS
I might suggest an edit for puncutation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
I might also suggest an edit for spacing. I recommend spacing between paragraphs and dialogue tags to make it easier on the eyes.
It's a very good action/adventure story, the plot is tight and focused, but it's missing the characterization that would help to hold reader interest. I would suggest adding a couple of character quirks and fleshing out the characters a little bit more.
Hello, it's StephBee with a Review from the Sandbox.
THE POEM
This poem tells a very personal story of the author's darker and more lighter moments of life.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked how the poem went to despair to hope. I thought you captured emotion well with the following stanza:
Very much ashamed,
For the reflection staring back at me,
Was tainted and distorted
And yet, the mirror wasn’t broken...
STRUCTURE
This is a free form with no apparent rythme scheme. The meter is halting and unestablished.
MECHANICS
There were no spelling/punctuation mistakes.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
My only suggestion would be to leave the last couplet off the poem and end it with: "No poetry..." You've already moved from despair to hope, and the stanza that begins "You found again," sets the tone for the ending theme of the poem.
This poem tells the story of a brother who sacrifices himself.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked how the poem told the story. It was very engaging and lively, easily drawing me in. I also enjoyed the last stanza as it sums up the theme of the poem - The wound of the loss of a loved one can never be healed.
STRUCTURE
This is a free form poem with the 1st and 3rd & 2nd & 4th lines rythming. The meter is moves adventurously, capturing the tone of the poem well.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes. Technically, the poem is well presented.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
No suggestions for improvement. Good expression. Keep writing!
This poem is about recieving letters from someone (a loved one) at war.
WHAT I LIKED
This poem not only works for modern day Iraq, but easily fits into WWI, WWII, and other conflicts of the 20th Century. It captures worry and and anxiety well.
STRUCTURE
This is a free form poem with the 2nd and 4th lines rythming.
MECHANICS
I might suggest a copy edit for spelling. In the opening byline "there" should be "their." Also, there's no need to put the poem in caps. I would use lower case to present the poem in a more polished manner.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
Suggestions are as noted above and speak more to the presentation of the poem than to the capturing of emotion, which I thought was fine. I'd love to rate the author higher if they do an edit.
Hello, it's StephBee with a Review from the Sandbox.
THE POEM
This is a nature poem about the sea.
WHAT I LIKED
I love nature poems so this immediately appealed to me, and visuals the author paints were just stunning. I could imagine myself on a beach's rocky shore, watching the ocean's gentle swells, envisioning the sea's creatures playing in the waves.
STRUCTURE
This is a free form poem with no apparent rythme scheme. The meter is formal, a pleasure to read. The line "Filled with life's overlooked miracles" repeats in the 1st and last stanza, bringing home a sly, upbeat message.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes. Techically, the poem is well presented.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
No suggstions. Great expression. The author paints a wonderful visual.
The author explores the "character" of an old man who likes to write.
WHAT I LIKED
I enjoyed the description of the old man. It wasn't over or under done and you could picture him sitting behind his typewriter, getting ready to write.
POV/TENSE
This was told in the 3rd person omniscient and the author uses past tense effectively.
SOUND & MECHANICS
There were no uneven or choppy sentences. I did not spot any grammar/punctuation mistakes. Technically, this sample is well presented.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
I get the sense the old man is used to to his old ways, he enjoys simple pleasures such as smoking a pipe. It is a brief glance into his character. I really have no suggestions, but feel that if the author wanted to, he could easily expand on it.
Hello, it's StephBee with a review. I'm going to change up my review format I usually use so as to answer the questions in the back of the chapter.
My impressions? Gosh, this is a very open ended question here... in a nutshell:
I'd give the opening 3 paragraphs a 3.5. They held my interest, the descriptions were good, and I thought it was a good beginning. If anything, here, I might suggest streamlining it a little to focus on the action of Juzo in his predictament.
I think it's a good start to the story. You've established the main character, given him some characterics that interest the reader and move the plot forward to the next logical step. Not any easy thing to do when opening a novel.
Did you bore me?
Not really, but then, while I enjoyed your descriptions - they were rich and vivid, they tended to slow down the pace of the storytelling.
Did some parts drag on? Have no point?
Again, if anything, the descriptions, while sharp, slowed things down a little. I thought everything had a point.
Did I use the same words too many times?
I didn't think so. I know it's a thing in my own writing and I try to look for repeation in other works when I review. I didn't find any. Your sentence structure was good.
What parts did you like?
Definately, Juzo is an interesting character. I thought you did a good job with his characterization. Gobi was a nice contrast.
Was the dialogue crediable?
Yes, I thought so. It was appropriate for the genre.
Was the beginning catchy?
I addressed that earlier. I think if you streamline it a little and focus on the action, it will be more appealing to a wider variety of an audience.
Do I need major revisions?
Well, I think it's too early to say. I was impressed with POV narration - you stayed 3rd person limited using Juzo's POV. That was good. Spelling, puctutation was fine. Minor typos I'm sure you'll catch on an edit. Aside from not knowing the plot or the pace of the story you want to tell, I couldn't offer any other suggestions.
Do I see real potential?
Yes, I do.
Were your transitions smooth?
Your transitions were fine.
Are you asking too many questions?
No. At least not to me. If this the type of feedback you're looking for, I hoped it helped.
Reviewed by StephB from the Sandbox.
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THE CHAPTER
WHAT I LIKED
WHAT I LIKED
My impressions? Gosh, this is a very open ended question here... in a nutshell: