Hello, it's StephBee with a Show Off Your Best at the Sandbox Review.
THE STORY
Joey didn't get the meaning of Christmas he met a boy whose father was in the army.
WHAT I LIKED
I loved the heartwarming sentiment of the story. It really embodied the Christmas spirit.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person limited, mainly from Joey's perspective. Good job with POV narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DESCRIPTIONS
There weren't many, but then the story doesn't really lend itself to having any.
MECHANICS
I didn't spot any spelling mistakes, but the story isn't formatted so the dialogue and paragraphs run together which made it incrediably hard on the eyes. I might suggest using hard returns when posting the story or becoming familiar with WDC ML. I might also suggest an edit for punctutation.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as mentioned above. The story is a great one, but without offering a basic presentation, it's hard to focus on the message. The story fit the prompt. (Holiday) Word count was listed IAW the contest rules.
Good luck in the "Show Off Your Best at the Sandbox" Contest.
Hello, it's StephBee with a Show Off Your Best at the Sandbox Review.
THE STORY
A person gets a chance to witness the birth of Christ in their dreams.
WHAT I LIKED
This was a very moving, poignant story. It was heartwarming to read how the Lord touched this person.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the first person. Good job with POV narration. Past tense is used appropriately. Line breaks are used appropriately to switch scenes.
DIALOUGE
The dialogue was appropriate to the story.
DESCRIPTIONS
This is probably being nitpicky, but if anything, there might a little more description, especially with the manager scene.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes.
FIRST 3 PARAGRAPHS
The opening focuses on character issues, appealing to the reader's emotions. It's a bit of a slower opening, but I found it intriguing. It kept me reading.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestion as noted above. The story fit the prompt (Holiday) well. Word count was listed IAW the contest rules.
Good luck in the "Show Off Your Best at the Sandbox" Contest.
Hello, it's StephBee with a Show Off Your Best at the Sandbox Review.
THE STORY
A man struggles to reconcile the death of his father which just so happened the previous Christmas.
WHAT I LIKED
This was a very poignant story that embraced the spirit of Christmas. The ending was heartwarming - perfect.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person. Good job with POV narration. Past tense is used appropriately. Line breaks are used appropriately to switch scenes.
DIALOUGE
The dialogue felt natural, real.
DESCRIPTIONS
There was a good balance of descriptions and narration, allowing the reader to picture the scene for themselves.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes.
FIRST 3 PARAGRAPHS
The story starts with Jesse watching the snowfall. It's a subtle begining that wraps you up in Jesse's thrill and keeps you reading.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
I have no suggestions for improvement. This was a good family Christmas story. The story fit the prompt (Holiday) well. Word count was listed IAW the contest rules.
Good luck in the "Show Off Your Best at the Sandbox" Contest.
Again, like Only Words this is not structured as a traditional poem, yet this doesn't quite fit "prose" either, so I'll simply say it's an expressive verse about about thoughts that can drive stress away.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked the build up in this verse. It grows slowly, yet it's a growth I identified with, leaving me hungering for the fruit of that growth.
STRUCTURE
This is a free form poem with no stanzas. There's no rythme scheme, no meter.
MECHANICS
I might suggest an edit to catch a couple of typos. Also, an edit for proper capitalization.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Again, as before, My only suggestion would be to seperate this into stanzas. It would be easier to read on the eyes. I loved the end. I thought it touched the true fruits of love.
Again, like Only Words this is not structured as a traditional poem, yet this doesn't quite fit "prose" either, so I'll simply say it's an expressive verse about about the senses, which can take one through time to find a "misplaced" love.
WHAT I LIKED
Again, I thought this was very longing and romantic. I had the sense the lovers were seperated by time. I really liked this line:
"As my eyes transport your image to my heart."
STRUCTURE
This is a free form poem with no stanzas. There's no rythme scheme, no meter.
MECHANICS
There were no spelling/punctutation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Again, as before, My only suggestion would be to seperate this into stanzas. It would be easier to read on the eyes. Another sweet, longing, romantic read.
While, not structured as a traditional poem, this doesn't quite fit "prose" either, so I'll simply say it's an expressive verse about words, as words seem the only thing that travel through time.
WHAT I LIKED
I thought this was very longing and romantic. I liked the idea of words stretching across the expanse of time.
STRUCTURE
This is a free form poem with no stanzas. There's no rythme scheme, no meter.
MECHANICS
I might suggest a proof edit. There's a sentence that ends with a capital "T" but it clearly belongs to the following sentence.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
My only suggestion would be to seperate this into stanzas. It would be easier to read on the eyes. Very sweet and endearing.
Hello, it's StephBee with a gift review from the Christmas Extravaganza
THE SCRIPT
A cowboy meets a girl who is trying to get home to her parents and decides to take her there.
WHAT I LIKED
The ending was a good little twist that I wasn't expecting. It was a good short.
DIALOGUE
I thought it was well done and captured the authencity of the old west.
DIRECTION
The direction was offset with italics, which I thought was appropriate. The script flowed smoothly.
MECHANICS & SOUND
There were no uneven or choppy sentences. I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
I have no suggestions for improvement. While I'm not too familiar with the mechanics for scriptwriting, this was easy to follow. The story felt like a vignette from the cowboy's life and I could see where this could easily be expanded on.
The author is embarrassed at the Fun park. This was written for a contest prompt.
WHAT I LIKED
This was a cute story. The author did a good job with the prompt.
POV NARRATION
This is told in the first person. Good job with narration.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any grammar/punctutation mistakes. There were no uneven or choppy sentences.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
I have no suggestions for improvement. I can only say us mothers have been there, Sweetie. ((hugs)) Hang in there. It gets better. Thanks so much for sharing this with us.
The author talks about what it's like to be addicted to something.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked the topic the author picked. Soft drinks can be addicting. I liked how the author described the need and want to "have a sip." It was light hearted and in good fun.
POV NARRATION
This is told in the first person. Good job with narration.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any grammar/punctutation mistakes. There were no uneven or choppy sentences.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
I have no suggestions for improvement. This is well written. I liked how the essay described feelings and sensations.
Hello, it's StephBee with a Simply Everything Review
THE POEM
This is a poem about the less fortunate at Christmastime.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked the message of the poem. It was a nice reminder as to what the season is about.
STRUCTURE
This is a free form poem with the 1st & 2nd, 3rd & 4th lines rythming. The meter is very rythmic and lulling.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes. Technically, the poem is well presented.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
I have no suggestions for improvement. This was a nice read, and while it touches upon the sadness of the season, it leaves us with hope. Nice ending couplet.
Hello, it's StephBee with a Simply Everything Review.
THE ESSAY
This essay takes a look at spending during the holiday season.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked the message of the essay, and I agree. What matters to me isn't necessarily the gift, but the time spent with family and friends during this holiday season.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
I have no suggestions for improvement. This essay is written from the heart and it challenges all of us this season.
Hello, it's StephBee with a Show Off Your Best at the Sandbox Contest Review.
THE STORY
A soldier, returning from war, sets out on a road trip home.
WHAT I LIKED
I thought the author did a great job capturing the emotion.
CHARACTERS
A soldier
The soldier is looking forward to meeting with his family after the war. His trip home by car is troublesome though. His frustrations come through well.
FIRST 3 PARAGRAPHS
I liked the opening. It was snappy and drew me right into the story.
SOUND & MECHANICS
There were no uneven or choppy sentences. I might suggest an edit for punctutation.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
I might also suggest an edit for tense. I would suggest writing the story in the past tense. There are times it lapses into present tense, which can be disconcerting to the reader.
This story was entered in the SHOW OFF YOUR BEST AT THE SANDBOX Contest for NOV 2006. It fit the prompt (war). The author did not list the word count IAW with contest rules.
Hello, it's StephBee with a Show Off Your Best at the Sandbox Contest Review.
THE STORY
Two enemies in World War II discover they aren't as different as they were led to believe.
WHAT I LIKED
The writing style was simple, easy to follow. The ending was the best part of the story.
CHARACTERS
Harry, Mr. Sho
We get to know these men through telltale snippets. Both have good hearts and believe that what they're doing is the right thing.
FIRST 3 PARAGRAPHS
They appealed to my curiousity. I wanted to know where the author was going with this.
SOUND & MECHANICS
There were no uneven or choppy sentences. I did not spot any grammar/punctutation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
I have no suggestions for improvement.
This story was entered in the SHOW OFF YOUR BEST AT THE SANDBOX Contest for NOV 2006. It fit the prompt (war) well. The listed the word count IAW with contest rules.
Hello, it's StephBee with a Show Off Your Best at the Sandbox Contest Review.
THE STORY
Lippman confronts a soldier's worst fear.
WHAT I LIKED
This was gritty and raw. The author really taps into a lot of emotions with this story.
The author builds suspense well. Example: He raised his gun, an M-16. He fired. Percussion. Pound, pound, pound.
CHARACTERS
Lippman, little boy
Lippman is a soldier in the army trying to do the right thing - the only thing is the lines of warfare get muddled as he attempts to deal with guerilla style warfare. His inner conflict is well done.
FIRST 3 PARAGRAPHS
They describe the type of war Lippman is in. It's not especially a "gripping" opening, but it did peak my curiousity.
SOUND & MECHANICS
There were no uneven or choppy sentences. I did not spot any grammar/punctutation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
My only suggestion would be to watch your POV narration. There's a shift in the narration from Lippman to his wife in the 2nd paragraph. We can't know what his wife is thinking. You can say "Lippman thought his wife felt this way," something like that. I might suggest rephrasing the last sentence in that paragraph.
This story was entered in the SHOW OFF YOUR BEST AT THE SANDBOX Contest for NOV 2006. It fit the prompt (war) well. The listed the word count IAW with contest rules.
Hello, it's StephBee with a Review from the Sandbox.
THE STORY
A girl looks out the window every night only to find a young boy running toward a bus, screaming.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked the quick, suspenseful build up regarding the days and what the girl saw.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the 3rd person limited, mainly from the girl's perspective. Past tense is used appropriately.
CHARACTERS
Girl, Boy running toward the bus.
This story was put in a fantasy setting. I pictured dark shadows throughout the story. The girl seemed concerned and worried for the boy. She's interesting in that she's interested in what happens to the boy and keeps watching.
1ST 3 PARAGRAPHS
It's not your usual action packed start, but the author had me wondering about the city the girl saw. She tapped into enough mystery to make the opening to the story interesting.
SOUND & MECHANICS
There were no uneven or choppy sentences. I did not spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
My only suggestion would be to open with more action as opposed to establishing the setting, but then in the context of the story it seems to be a matter of style.
I found this an intriguing read.
Keep writing!
Reviewed by StephB from the Sandbox.
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THE POEM
WHAT I LIKED
For me, the poem asks us what type of footprints do we want to leave in our lives?
WHAT I LIKED