Hello, it's StephBee with a Simply Everything Review.
THE ESSAY
This essay takes a look at spending during the holiday season.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked the message of the essay, and I agree. What matters to me isn't necessarily the gift, but the time spent with family and friends during this holiday season.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
I have no suggestions for improvement. This essay is written from the heart and it challenges all of us this season.
Hello, it's StephBee with a Show Off Your Best at the Sandbox Contest Review.
THE STORY
A soldier, returning from war, sets out on a road trip home.
WHAT I LIKED
I thought the author did a great job capturing the emotion.
CHARACTERS
A soldier
The soldier is looking forward to meeting with his family after the war. His trip home by car is troublesome though. His frustrations come through well.
FIRST 3 PARAGRAPHS
I liked the opening. It was snappy and drew me right into the story.
SOUND & MECHANICS
There were no uneven or choppy sentences. I might suggest an edit for punctutation.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
I might also suggest an edit for tense. I would suggest writing the story in the past tense. There are times it lapses into present tense, which can be disconcerting to the reader.
This story was entered in the SHOW OFF YOUR BEST AT THE SANDBOX Contest for NOV 2006. It fit the prompt (war). The author did not list the word count IAW with contest rules.
Hello, it's StephBee with a Show Off Your Best at the Sandbox Contest Review.
THE STORY
Two enemies in World War II discover they aren't as different as they were led to believe.
WHAT I LIKED
The writing style was simple, easy to follow. The ending was the best part of the story.
CHARACTERS
Harry, Mr. Sho
We get to know these men through telltale snippets. Both have good hearts and believe that what they're doing is the right thing.
FIRST 3 PARAGRAPHS
They appealed to my curiousity. I wanted to know where the author was going with this.
SOUND & MECHANICS
There were no uneven or choppy sentences. I did not spot any grammar/punctutation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
I have no suggestions for improvement.
This story was entered in the SHOW OFF YOUR BEST AT THE SANDBOX Contest for NOV 2006. It fit the prompt (war) well. The listed the word count IAW with contest rules.
Hello, it's StephBee with a Show Off Your Best at the Sandbox Contest Review.
THE STORY
Lippman confronts a soldier's worst fear.
WHAT I LIKED
This was gritty and raw. The author really taps into a lot of emotions with this story.
The author builds suspense well. Example: He raised his gun, an M-16. He fired. Percussion. Pound, pound, pound.
CHARACTERS
Lippman, little boy
Lippman is a soldier in the army trying to do the right thing - the only thing is the lines of warfare get muddled as he attempts to deal with guerilla style warfare. His inner conflict is well done.
FIRST 3 PARAGRAPHS
They describe the type of war Lippman is in. It's not especially a "gripping" opening, but it did peak my curiousity.
SOUND & MECHANICS
There were no uneven or choppy sentences. I did not spot any grammar/punctutation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
My only suggestion would be to watch your POV narration. There's a shift in the narration from Lippman to his wife in the 2nd paragraph. We can't know what his wife is thinking. You can say "Lippman thought his wife felt this way," something like that. I might suggest rephrasing the last sentence in that paragraph.
This story was entered in the SHOW OFF YOUR BEST AT THE SANDBOX Contest for NOV 2006. It fit the prompt (war) well. The listed the word count IAW with contest rules.
Hello, it's StephBee with a Review from the Sandbox.
THE STORY
A girl looks out the window every night only to find a young boy running toward a bus, screaming.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked the quick, suspenseful build up regarding the days and what the girl saw.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the 3rd person limited, mainly from the girl's perspective. Past tense is used appropriately.
CHARACTERS
Girl, Boy running toward the bus.
This story was put in a fantasy setting. I pictured dark shadows throughout the story. The girl seemed concerned and worried for the boy. She's interesting in that she's interested in what happens to the boy and keeps watching.
1ST 3 PARAGRAPHS
It's not your usual action packed start, but the author had me wondering about the city the girl saw. She tapped into enough mystery to make the opening to the story interesting.
SOUND & MECHANICS
There were no uneven or choppy sentences. I did not spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
My only suggestion would be to open with more action as opposed to establishing the setting, but then in the context of the story it seems to be a matter of style.
I found this an intriguing read.
Keep writing!
Reviewed by StephB from the Sandbox.
** Image ID #1034319 Unavailable **
Hello, it's StephBee with a Best of the Rest Review
THE CONTEST
This contest is looking for experiences in the foster care system for entries.
WHAT I LIKED
It appears to be an interactive contest. It's nice to see members of the WDC Community posting. I like how the host is very encouraging in his introduction.
RULES
I thought the rules were clearly stated.
MECHANICS
Check the word "Awardicon" in the prizes section. You might want to do a copyedit for spelling.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
Good use of graphics and WDC ML in the introduction. The contest is very visually appealing. Just do a double check for spelling.
Hello, it's StephBee with a Review from the Sandbox.
THE ESSAY
The author captures her 4 year old son's behavior with a comedic flair.
WHAT I LIKED
I have a 4 year old boy, too and he's like this as well. Full of energy and pep. Exciting, intense, and memorable are definately words to describe a little boy at this age. I like this piece because it's easy to relate to.
NARRATION/TENSE
This is written in the first person. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
MECHANICS & SOUND
I did not spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
I have no suggestions for improvement. It's a nice, honest read. The writing style is easy to get lost in.
A teenage witch and her sister are brewing something.
WHAT I LIKED
The author has a very easy writing style, and in the space of the story being told, this had a "Harry Potterish" feel to it.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the first person by Amy. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
The dialogue is well done, easy to read.
CHARACTERIZATION
This is short, but the characterization shines here. Amy just isn't as good a witch as her sister, Bri, no matter how she tries.
MECHANICS & SOUND
If anything, I thought the word "again" was repeative in the opening sentences. I did not spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
For WDC only: I might suggest spacing between the dialogue tags and paragraphs. It's easier on the eyes here on WDC. I'd also like to see this expanded on. You've caught a nice scene here in your vingette.
A woman explores the negative emotions she has for her ex.
WHAT I LIKED
I thought the author did a great job capturing the negativity, the hurt, the anger, that can come from a breakup.
DIALOGUE
My only observation is that the byline states this was for the dialogue 500 contest, and it's not a "traditional" dialogue between two or more people, it's more like an inner monologue.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
I have no suggestions for improvement, except to make sure this entry falls in the requirements of the dialogue 500 contest. I liked the use of punctutation here as it heightens the hurt of the author.
Hello, it's StephBee with a Review from the Sandbox
Author's note: I apologize for not being sooner with this. Real life has been very hectic as of late.
THE STORY
Robert recounts his early experiences at the Woolsten House, a place for foster children who aren't assigned a foster family because they are hard to place.
The genre of the work is Drama. This is chapter 4 of the series.
WHAT I LIKED
As with the previous chapters, the characterization is strong and powerful. Robert draws the reader into his world completely, not only with his emotions, but descriptions and observations.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the first person. Good job with POV narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
This is mostly a narrative, however there is a part where dialouge used in the recounting of a memory. At that point, I might suggest an edit to the dialogue for punctuation.
1ST 3 PARAGRAPHS
If I remember correctly, chp. 3 leaves off with the reveal that Robert and Mike are to have an affair, but chp. 4 starts off with Robert recounting the bullies from Woolsten House. It's not a bad start to the chapter as the author's writing style draws in the reader, but I would address the hook. You hook us at the end of 3, but don't carry through here.
CHARACTERS
Robert, Andy & Chris (bullies), Mike
Every character is sharply defined. There's a line toward the where Robert is speaking about himself. He says: "I know that I am crap. This is not a self-esteem issue, or modesty, it is a fact." It reminds me of something I recently read, a book called "A Woman in Berlin," where the author, a woman, is repeatidly raped by Soviet Soldiers who have come to Berlin in the early days of Berlin's capture. The writing is powerful, completely without self-pity, and it drew me in even more. The author captures that here. The characterization for not only Robert, but the bullies, is riveting.
SETTING
The descriptions were enough for the reader to paint the Woolsten House in their mind.
FLOW & PACING
The plot/pacing was smooth.
MECHANICS & SOUND
I did not spot any spelling/punctutation errors.
PARTING THOUGHTS
My only suggestion would be to smooth out the transition from chp. 3 to chp. 4, being consistent.
The series is a good read. The author's writing style is gripping.
Hello, it's StephBee with a Review from the Sandbox
Author's note: I apologize for not being sooner with this. Real life has been very hectic as of late.
THE STORY
Cass works with Seth to hone his fighting skills. After running away, they attempt to seek out a place to hide at Shanta-Ris.
The genre of the work is Fantasy. This is chapter 2 of the series.
WHAT I LIKED
I think as a chapter two it works. The opening is a good continutation of chapter one's hook, and it leaves a good hook for chapter 3. The action sequences in the chapter are done well. They aren't overpowering and allow the reader to visualize the scene as it plays out.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person limited. However, I might recommend a line break starting with "I guess that makes sense" as I feel there's a shift from Cass's perspective to Seth's perspective at that point. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
Appropriate to the story, however there are two times when I questioned it regarding the authencity of the Cass character. The first he tells Seth, "Yeah, why not," and the second time he said, "Oh, get your head out of the places where the sun doesn't shine."
For me, that just seemed too informal for the character, especially since he's being set up in the mentoring role for Seth and Seth carries a mark that makes him important someway to the story. I would have him speak a little more formally to Seth. Just a suggestion.
1ST 3 PARAGRAPHS
They held my interest. Good continutation from chapter one.
CHARACTERS
Cass & Seth
Seth is our hero, but he has much to learn about what it takes to be a hero. Cass appears to be his mentor. For the most part I thought there was enough characterization to keep us reading.
SETTING
Good descriptions. The arid, desert setting is established here. If anything, I might define time/place as well, but that might already have been done in the previous chapter.
FLOW & PACING
The plot/pacing was smooth.
MECHANICS & SOUND
I might suggest a copyedit for spelling/punctutation errors.
PARTING THOUGHTS
Copyedit for mechanics. Watch Cass's dialogue. Is that really how you want to present the character?
All together, a good effort for a chapter two and with an edit, I think you'll polish it right up. The author's writing style is easy to read.
I loved the opening. It was interesting and I wanted to read more. I thought it was a strong beginning to the story.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
The story is told in the 3rd person omniscient. Good job with POV narration. Past tense is used effectively.
CHARACTERS
Tom, Ghost
Tom starts out a good sort as he's on the move on the Oregon Trail, but the decision he makes is out of character for him, and there's not enough emotiona narration to support why he makes it.
DIALOGUE
The story is a narrative.
FIRST 3 PARAGRAPHS
Strong opening.
SOUND & MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes. There were no uneven or choppy sentences.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Edit for characterization. (show us Tom's feelings)
Plot & pacing moved too fast. Tom didn't believe in ghosts and then there's the ending, where he gives into the ghost.
This story was entered in the BARD'S HALL Contest for Oct 2006. It fit the prompt well. Word count is not listed.
Hello, it's StephBee with a Show Off Your Best at the Sandbox Contest review.
THE STORY
Lincoln's history of dating catches up with him.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked the end. I don't want to give it away, but Lincoln needed that. It was a very satisifing ending.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is written in the 1st person for most of the story. POV shifts to 3rd person in the last page. I would suggest a line break at a min. to reflect the shift or use 3rd person throughout. Past tense is used effectively.
CHARACTERS
Lincoln, Colin, Maui
Lincoln is the narrator of the story. We don't learn much about him except that he likes to date. It's his dating which gets him in trouble.
DIALOGUE
The story is mostly dialogue. I would suggest using more narration to draw on emotion and heighten suspense.
FIRST 3 PARAGRAPHS
The 1st 3 paragraphs are all dialogue. I might suggest adding some narration to flesh out emotion. Once emotion is established, then you can begin to heighten suspense. How do you want the reader to feel about Lincoln? Do you want them to hate him? Like him? Pull that out.
SOUND & MECHANICS
I might suggest an edit for puncutation and grammar.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Edit for puncutation & grammar. Edit for POV narration. Edit for more narration (to establish emotion and build suspense) and less dialogue.
This story was entered in the SHOW OFF YOUR BEST AT THE SANDBOX Contest for Oct 2006. It fit the prompt (thriller/suspense). Word count was listed in accordance with the contest rules.
Hello, it's StephBee with a Show Off Your Best at the Sandbox Contest Review.
THE STORY
A woman decides to walk home in the middle of the night and is followed by some "unsavory" sorts.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked the ending. I wasn't expecting it. Good job.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the first person. Good job with narration. Past tense is used effectively.
CHARACTERS
The woman.
She's a decent sort, leaving her loser boyfriend after he goes to a crackhouse just to piss her off. I like how she "steps up" and decides to walk away from that element in her life. It's not an easy decision to make.
DIALOGUE
Dialogue is used appropriately throughout, but I especially enjoyed the ending dialogue. It delievers the finish of the story well.
FIRST 3 PARAGRAPHS
I thought they were a decent start to the story.
SOUND & MECHANICS
There were no uneven or choppy sentences. I might suggest a copy edit for punctutation.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
My only suggestion would be to consider using shorter, more "to the point" sentences when building suspense. For example, as written: I slowed my pace to wait for the car to drive past but it seemed to have slowed.
I might suggest: I slowed my pace. The car that was following me did the same.
This story was entered in the SHOW OFF YOUR BEST AT THE SANDBOX Contest for OCT 2006. It fit the prompt (thriller/suspense). Word Count wasn't listed in accordance with the contest rules.
Hello, it's StephBee with a Show Off Your Best at the Sandbox Contest Review.
THE STORY
A woman keeps having dreams about 8 million dollars.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked the ending. The author keeps the reader guessing throughout the story.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is written in the first person. Good job with POV narration. Past tense is used effectively.
CHARACTERS
The wife.
The wife is a writer, but the reader never quite knows what she's up to and how involved she is with her husband's death.
DIALOGUE
The dialogue is appropriate to the story. I might suggest a copyedit for puncutation in the dialogue tags.
FIRST 3 PARAGRAPHS
I thought they were a great start to the story. They captured my interest well.
SOUND & MECHANICS
There were no uneven or choppy sentences. Again, I might suggest a copyedit for punctuation.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as noted above. The author has a nice, easy, engaging writing style that involves the reader.
This story was entered in the SHOW OFF YOUR BEST AT THE SANDBOX Contest for OCT 2006. It fit the prompt (thriller/suspense) well. Word Count is listed in accordance with the contest rules.
Hello, it's StephBee with a Show Off Your Best at the Sandbox Contest Review.
THE STORY
A woman goes on the hunt. A story in the "vein" of Silence of the Lambs.
WHAT I LIKED
The ending was great. It really tied the story together well.
CHARACTERS
Taffy, Charles (supporting).
The opening takes a deep, pyschological look at Taffy on the hunt. The ending explains why she does so. She's well fleshed out, considering the short length of the story.
DIALOGUE
Appopriate to the story.
FIRST 3 PARAGRAPHS
The opening paragraphs had a surreal, prosey feel to them. They lost me a little. I would suggest being a little more direct and using shorter sentences with less description to hold the reader's attention.
SOUND & MECHANICS
There were no uneven or choppy sentences. I did not spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestion as noted above.
The story fits the prompt of Thriller/Suspense, but I think the author can build and heighten the suspense better by using shorter, tighter sentences during the scene where Taffy is on the hunt.
This story was entered in the SHOW OFF YOUR BEST AT THE SANDBOX Contest for OCT 2006. Word Count is listed in accordance with the contest rules.
Hello, it's StephBee with a Simply Everything Halloween review.
THE STORY
A woman becomes obsessed with her figurines.
WHAT I LIKED
I thought this was a good, creepy story. The author built suspense well.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is written in a "lonesome dove" Pov, switching between Mallory and Brad. I might suggest using just one character's POV (Brad) since he isn't quite sure or aware of the power of the figurines.
DIALOGUE
Appropriate to the story.
1ST 3 PARAGRAPHS
I might suggest tweaking them to make a stronger opening. Start with more short, clipped sentences. Don't tell us too much about Mallory's personality here, instead, maybe, show us Mallory buying a figurine with Brad looking on, thinking "how creepy that is."
CHARACTERS
Mallory and Brad. Both do what they're supposed. Mallory succumbs to the horror, while Brad reacts to it. Both are good people who get sucked into the horror.
SETTING
There's enough to paint the scene, allowing the reader to visualize the settings in their own mind.
FLOW & PACING
I thought the flow/pacing moved just a little fast. I might want to slow it down a little in the middle and pick up the pace for the end.
MECHANICS & SOUND
There were no uneven or choppy sentences. I did not notice and spelling/puncutation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS
Suggestions as noted above. I thought this was a very good, creepy Halloween story, that, with a little tweaking, would be a great story.
A twisted man goes after women seeking a "goddess."
WHAT I LIKED
The ending is the beginning. It was a nice change-up that works effectively for the story.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person limited, mainly from the man's perspective. Good job with POV narration. Past tense is used effectively.
1ST 3 PARAGRAPHS
These paragraphs didn't feel as focused as they could be. The author gives the reader a mix of description of action that seems to take away from what the man is doing. I would suggest paring down the description a little, allowing the reader just enough to paint the scene in their head, while focusing on the man's actions and. Also, watch out for the overuse of "ly" verbs and starting too many sentences with "He."
CHARACTERIZATION
Good characterization. We slowly come to understand that the man is not what he seems as the author gives the reader a cool, calaculated look into his head.
MECHANICS & SOUND
I might suggest a copyedit for grammar. Try to use less "ly" adverbs and switch up sentences so sentences don't start with too many "he's."
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as mentioned above. The story fits into the Horror genre, appropriate for October. Rating is appropriate.
Keep writing!
Reviewed by StephB from the Sandbox.
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THE ESSAY
WHAT I LIKED
WHAT I LIKED
Copyedit for mechanics.
