Hello, it's StephBee with a Review from the Sandbox.
THE STORY
Alex is new in town and Jake goes out of the way to make him feel welcomed.
WHAT I LIKED
I thought this was a very sweet, heartwarming story. It touched on a lot of emotions with a slight hand.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the first person by Jake. Good job with POV narration. Past tense is used mostly used. Watch out for an occasional slip into present tense. Example:
"At sixteen, she is alsmost exactly..."
Should be: "At sixteen, she was almost..."
DIALOGUE
The dialogue is appropriate and moves the story forward in a logical manner.
DESCRIPTIONS
I thought there were enough descriptions to establish the place, time, and setting.
CHARACTERS
Alex, Jake
Jake and Alex are young teenagers, trying to get used to the changes around them. Both are well rounded. I understood Alex's hestiancy to accept Jake's friendship.
1ST 3 PARAGRAPHS
It's a descent start that works simply because the narrator is musing about something interesting. I might suggest starting off with some action - perhaps Jake is walking over to the lot, determined to meet him? While it may seem to play like this, focus on the action of the walking first, then go into Jake's thoughts.
MECHANICS
I would suggest an edit for spelling and punctuation. Use commas in dialogue tags. For example, as written:
"Bye" He said.
Should be: "Bye," he said.
Spell out "okay" in manuscript writing.
Use contractions in dialogue to make it sound natural.
Example, as written: "I was just...actually it is cool."
My suggestion: "I was just...actually, it's cool."
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
Suggestions as mentioned above. I have a note by "It turned out that Alex lived only two houses away," that says, "How does Jake know where Alex lives." I would clarify this as it appears to be a consistancy mistake.
I might also suggest spacing between the paragraphs here on WDC because it's hard on the reader's eyes when you don't.
A solider in the future meets the woman he's going to marry.
WHAT I LIKED
The author did a good job explaining the futuristic world and what it was like. A good imagititive read.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the first person. Good job with narration. However the story alternates between past and present tense. I might suggest just using past tense to tell the story. Present tense can be a bit disconcerting to readers.
DESCRIPTIONS
I thought the descriptions were enough to paint the setting of the story. If anything, I think I, as a reader, would have enjoyed a few more, especially those descriptions which use the senses.
CHARACTERS
I enjoyed the main characters. I loved Shepard. His voice was unique and engaging. He told the story well. He almost reminded me of "Titus Pullo" from the HBO series, "Rome," a good natured man who was always getting in trouble.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling mistakes. I might suggest an edit for puncutation. I might also suggest spacing between paragraphs here on WDC. It's hard on the reader's eyes if you don't.
The folder houses the author's story "Angels Dare To Fly."
WHAT I LIKED
The chapters are easy to read and engaging. It's easy to "get into" the story.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any no spelling/punctutation mistakes.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
I might suggest using some WDC ML or getting a graphic to put in the opening of the folder to make it more eye catching, but it's only a suggestion, nothing more.
Reviewed by StephB from the Sandbox.
Reviewer's note: Folder was rated on it's presentation and content.
Dave is pinned under a car, testing the family's faith.
WHAT I LIKED
This was a very engaging story that offered hope and and inspiration.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the first person. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
It was realistic and appropriate to the story.
CHARACTERS
Dave, His wife, Molly & Laura
Each character was unique and believeable.
MECHANICS
I might suggest an edit for puncutation. Most the elipses can be replaced with periods. I might suggest just starting the story with "It was Oct. 24th..." and leaving off the elipses.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
I thought the theme of the story was "faith," which is something a lot of readers with faith can connect with. I liked the positive, upbeat note the story ended on.
The author did a good job establishing the voice of the character.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person mainly from Laura's perspective. Good job with POV narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
1ST 3 PARAGRAPHS
The first three paragraphs were intriguing. Laura appears to be waking up from a dream.
DIALOGUE
There was no dialogue in the story.
DESCRIPTIONS
If anything, I thought there could be a little more description.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling mistakes. If anything, (and this is minor) I might suggest putting the comma before the quotation mark when you write: "O Lord, let something remain."
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
I have no suggestions for improvement. I thought the ending was appropriate to the story.
Jessica seems to have influenced Henry into harming someone.
WHAT I LIKED
I thought it was a good beginning. It peeked my interest.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person mainly from Henry's perspective. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
I thought it was appropriate to the story.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling mistakes. I might suggest just using a period to end the story. It's just as effective as using the elipses.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
If anything, I felt a little cheated. I would have loved to have witnessed Jessica's "seduction" of Henry and what she did that led him to do what he did.
I liked the characterization here. Even thought Kyle's a kid, I was glad he did the right thing.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the "Lonesome Dove" perspective, jumping between characters. Some readers find the jumping a bit confusing so I might suggest telling it either in the third person strictly from Kyle's POV or in the first person by Kyle, since he has to act on Kacie's secret.
Past tense is used appropriately.
1ST 3 PARAGRAPHS
They peeked my interest and kept me reading.
DIALOGUE
The dialogue was realistic, capturing the essence of the young characters well.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes, but I might suggest spacing between paragraphs here on WDC. It's hard on the eyes when its not spaced.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
I thought the ending was appropriate to the story. The author captured the voices of the children well.
A woman comes to believe a warning to beware around her husband.
WHAT I LIKED
The author did a great capturing the voice of the lead character. Nice twist in the story.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the first person. Good job with POV narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
1ST 3 PARAGRAPHS
It was a good opening. The use of "Beware!" was a good tease and kept me reading.
DIALOGUE
The dialogue complimented the story.
MECHANICS
I might suggest a minor edit for spelling mistakes. I did not spot any puncutation mistakes.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
A good, spooky story. The story peeked my curiousity. If anything, I wanted to know just WHO was whispering "beware" in the woman's ear. I thought the ending could have resolved that.
Ashley shares a sad secret with Alex that makes him angry.
WHAT I LIKED
I thought the author did a good job presenting Ashley's plight.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person using a "lonesome dove," narration. Usually I don't recommend this style of narration, but it works in the story, due to the story's short length. Past tense is used effectively.
1ST 3 PARAGRAPHS
Alex reacts to Ashley's secret. It's a descent start to the story.
DIALOGUE
There's not much, but it used effectively to drive the story.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
My only suggestion would be expand on the story. It reads a little like a vignette right now. I felt like I was told the story, not shown it. By adding a little bit more description to paint the scene and expanding on the emotions of Ashley and Alex, you'll fill the story out well. I thought the ending was appropriate considering that the father had done.
The author did a good job with the ending. It was sad, yet realistic. It tugged on the reader's emotions.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the first person by Cameron. Good job with narration. Past tense is used well throughout until the end, when it switches to present (because this is being told a memory.) I might suggest staying with the past tense, as it is easier to read and tense switches can be disconcerting for a reader.
1ST 3 PARAGRAPHS
The opening line was catchy, but the next two paragraphs felt out of order. I might suggest not looking back on the story as a memory, but tell it in real time.
MECHANICS
I might suggest an edit for punctutation. I did not spot any spelling mistakes.
DIALOGUE
The dialogue felt natural and was appropriate to the story.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
I enjoyed the story. I thought you followed the prompt and the story did contain the word count in accordance with the contest rules. Your plot/pacing was good.
A pious man does the unthinkable to save his sister's life.
WHAT I LIKED
I loved the story. The characterization was very rich.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person omnisicent. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
1ST 3 PARAGRAPHS
I thought they could use just a bit of description to set the scene. Let us see the old, crusty group sitting on the porch, rocking out, gossiping.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes.
DIALOGUE
I thought the dialogue was appropriate.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
I might suggest taking the bold off entire story. I might also suggest restructuring the opening a little, by: A) taking the gossip lead into a natural conversation without the linebreak or B) Just start with: "It was the end of World War II" and end with the old gossipers rocking out on the porch.
This is told in the third person mainly from Noll's perspective. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
1ST 3 PARAGRAPHS
I thought it was a slow start. I might suggest using subtle action to peek interest. Maybe have Noll wrapped up in the action of walking on the beach in the first paragraph. Also, "he" is used often in this opening sequence, making it sound a little repeative. Try to switch it up if you can.
MECHANICS
I might suggest an edit for punctutation.
DIALOGUE
Some of the dialogue felt a little stiff. I might suggest adding some contractions when you can to smooth it out.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
I enjoyed the story. I thought you followed the prompt and the story did contain the word count in accordance with the contest rules. Your plot/pacing was just right. I think an edit would smooth out the story well.
Hello, it's StephBee with a Best of the Rest Contest Review.
THE CROSSWORD
An informative crossword about the US Presidents.
WHAT I LIKED
I loved the clues and hints! The puzzle is well thought out.
CONTENT
The content is interesting and the introduction was well done.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
I have no suggestions for improvement. Good use of WDC ML. The puzzles looks to be fun and informative for those interested in the presidents. A good tool for historical learning.
Hello, it's StephBee with a Show Off Your Best at the Sandbox Contest Review.
THE STORY
A girl has fun on "May Day" in Germany.
WHAT I LIKED
I really liked the story and how you brought the culture of the European May Day to life.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
The initial sequence is a description of May Day, told in the third person limited quite well. The second sequence is Katrina's experiences on May Day, told in the third person from her perspective. Good job with POV narration. Past tense was used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
The dialogue was simple, yet appropriate.
CHARACTERS
Katrina (main) Her parents (supporting)
Katrina seemed like an eager kid on a holiday. Good job with capturing that emotion.
1ST 3 PARAGRAPHS
They're most narrative, giving the reader a background on the May Day holiday. I found them very interesting and it held my attention.
DESCRIPTIONS
There were just enough to visualizes the scenes.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling mistakes, however I might suggest an edit for punctutation. There's really no need for all the (;) in which the author uses.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
I have no suggestions for improvement. The entry fit the prompt for the contest well. (Young Adult) The word count was not listed in accordance with the contest rules.
Hello, it's StephBee with a Review from the Sandbox.
I apologize for not getting this review to you sooner, it's been hectic week.
THE CHAPTER
Danny and Angie try to make their way to the entry point so they can go back to where they're supposed to be. As they journey there, they encounter some of the world's creatures.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked the imagination used here. I thought the plot/pacing was fine (with just a minor slow down with Grandmaw's story from last chapter.) The chapter is easy to read.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is written in the third person omniscent. Past tense is appropriately.
DIALOGUE
As in the last chapter, dialogue is used extensively to tell the story. The dialogue itself is very lively, and fun to read. It establishes the voice of the characters, but I might suggest not relying so heavily on it to tell the story.
DESCRIPTIONS
As in the last chapter, I would have loved to have had more description in this chapter. There's not enough to paint the scenes.
CHARACTERS
Angie, Danny.
Angie and Danny do their best to make it to the entry point. Along the way they spot the creatures of the world they're on. I thought their reactions and observations where in line with their characters, which are a little befuddled at the moment as they undertake their endeavors.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes. If anything, I might suggest spelling out "Come on," instead of "C'mon," in a manuscript.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
Suggestions as mentioned above. I think you're off to a good start, but I'd love to see it fleshed out a little more by incorporating more descriptions into the story. Paint your world for us.
Hello, it's StephBee with a Review from the Sandbox.
I apologize for not getting this review to you sooner, it's been hectic week.
THE CHAPTER
Grandmaw comes to help Danny and Angie after they get lost.
WHAT I LIKED
I loved the humor of the story. The writing is light, easy to read and very engaging, a little reminicent of Rowling.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is written in the third person omniscent. Past tense is appropriately.
DIALOGUE
Dialogue is used extensively to tell the story. As a whole, it's very lively and engaging, (which makes it reminicent of Rowling's writings) however, I thought you relied to much on it to tell your story. I might suggest using more contractions within the dialogue to make it feel more natural. "I am" and "I have" are easy to contract and "I'm" and "I've" make the dialogue a little less formal, which I think is might you might be going for here.
DESCRIPTIONS
I would have loved to have had more descriptions on the world that Danny and Angie have landed on. It was hard for me to picture it in my head. If anything, I might suggest trying to strike a balance between dialogue and description. I think it will even the chapter out.
CHARACTERS
Grandmaw, Angie, Danny.
Grandmaw has been around and you've done a wonderful job establishing the voice of the characters, she's old yet knowledgeable. If anything, though, I kind of expected her to stick around just a little bit longer to help make sure Danny and Angie were on their way.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
While I did enjoy Grandmaw's story, I thought it slowed the pace down a little. I might suggest getting to the heart of what Grandmaw is there to do and if there's a "down" moment or a bit of lull, then Grandmaw can bring the story in to pass time. Only a suggestion though.
Remember, try to incorporate more description and narrative into the body of the work.
Hello, it's StephBee with a Review from the Sandbox.
I'm sorry I didn't get this to you sooner, as I've been swamped in real life. I hope to have the other reviews to you soon.
THE CHAPTER
As the chapter opens, the reader meets two angels, Danny and Angie, who are given their first assignment.
WHAT I LIKED
I loved the dialogue it was very playful and easy to read.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person mainly from Angie's perspective. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
The dialogue is easy to read and very engaging. If anything, I might suggest keeping an eye on the dialogue tags. A dialogue tag is simply "he said" or "She said," (she protested) for example. Put the action that follows in another sentence.
DESCRIPTIONS
While the dialogue is great, I thought there could be more descriptions. I might suggest using the senses to embellish on the descriptions a little. For example, what does Angie smell when she takes a peek on the different decades?
CHARACTERS
Angie, Danny, God (supporting)
Angie and Danny are playful and have good intentions. Still, their "newness" to being angels gets them in some trouble with God. If anything, I thought the angels were too informal and that "voice" was being sacrificed for it. For example, Angie uses "Hell" and it just didn't ring true to me that an angel would use that word in the context she did.
1ST 3 PARAGRAPHS
Again, the dialogue stands out here. It's very engaging and captures the reader's attention well.
MECHANICS
I didn't spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
Suggestions as mentioned above. I thought plot was well on its way to establishing itself and the pacing was fine. Looking forward to more chapters.
Keep writing.
Reviewed by StephB
** Image ID #1034319 Unavailable **
I really liked the ending. We've all be indecisive at times, maybe when we shouldn't be - it's human. The author's touched on a very human emotion here.
STRUCTURE
This is a free form poem with the 2nd and 4th lines rhyming. There is no set meter.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes. I think there's one typo. There's an "H" right after Long past her stages of fit;
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
I have no suggestions for improvement. Good expression.
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THE STORY
WHAT I LIKED
I did not spot any spelling mistakes. I might suggest a minor edit for punctutation.
