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Review of The Darkness  
Review by StephBee
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello, I'm StephBee and I'm a judge for Gemini Star's Gothic Horror Contest.

*Reading*THE STORY

Ally discovers her nightmares can become real.

*Smile*WHAT I LIKED

Good plot and pacing. The story had a nice flow to it.

*Star*POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the third person limited through Molly's perspective. Good job with POV Narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star*CHARACTERS

Ally (main)

Ally is definitely a sympathic character as the reader suffers through her nightmares with her.

*Star*DIALOGUE

Watch your adverbs in the dialogue tags. There's a spot where "hestiantly" and "tentatively" are used, yet the dialogue implies those.

*Star*MECHANICS

A couple of tips: spell out okay in manuscript writing. OK is used for journalistic writing. I might suggest an edit for improper capitalization and an edit for punctuation. Put punctuation inside quotes.

*Star*SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS

Suggestions as mentioned above. I liked the ending - it was consistent with Gothic Horror. Good luck in the Gothic Horror Contest.

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Review of Blue Moon  
Review by StephBee
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hello, I'm StephBee and I'm a judge for Gemini Star's Gothic Horror Contest.

*Reading*THE STORY

Molly, a witch, intends to "right the wrongs" of the world.

*Smile*WHAT I LIKED

Great character voice.

*Star*POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the third person limited by Molly. Good job with POV Narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star*CHARACTERS

Molly (main)

Molly perceives the injustice done to her and to others in the world who are down on their luck needs to be "avenged," and in her own witching way, holds her town hostage. It's an unsympathic act, which the reader does sympathize with because of the character's voice and how it's presented.

*Star*DIALOGUE

Remember to put punctuation in quotes. Try to keep the dialogue tags simple like "he said," or "she replied." Put the action in a separate sentence.

*Star*MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling mistakes.

*Star*SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS

I thought the beginning was a little slow with too much narrative history. I might suggest starting with some action and then leading into the narrative. I would also suggest spacing between paragraphs as it's hard to read on WDC if you don't. I would suggest switching the font to black, as blue can be distracting for the reader. Good luck in the Gothic Horror Contest.

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Review of Darkest Angel  
Review by StephBee
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello, I'm StephBee and I'm a judge for Gemini Star's Gothic Horror Contest.

*Reading*THE STORY

A vampire queen passes judgment on one who has betrayed her.

*Smile*WHAT I LIKED

I liked the descriptions. They really put me in the moment. "matted, greasy brown hair," paints a great visual in the reader's eye.

*Star*POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the first person limited by the victim. Good job with POV Narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star*CHARACTERS

Victim (main)

The victim suffers at hands of the vampire queen. His pain is real to the reader.

*Star*DIALOGUE

"Is it not funny" she whispered. I might suggest a comma after funny. Watch your dialogue tags. Use "he said," or "she replied." Don't put action in a dialogue tag. Make it a seperate sentence.

My suggestion: "My Lady?" she yelled. Spittle flew from her mouth. "My Lady? I am your Queen, traitorous wretch, adn you shall address me as such!"

*Star*MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling mistakes.

*Star*SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS

Suggestions as mentioned above. An interesting twist to see a vampire victim get his. Good luck in the Gothic Horror Contest.

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Review of Madness  
Review by StephBee
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello, I'm StephBee and I'm a judge for Gemini Star's Gothic Horror Contest.

*Reading*THE STORY

As the by-line implies, the horror might be all in his head.

*Smile*WHAT I LIKED

The writing kept me off balance as a reader. The off-balance nature of the story flowed well.

*Star*POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the first person. Good job with POV Narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star*CHARACTERS

Narrator (main)

The narrator envisions a world that makes no sense. His confusion is real to the reader.

*Star*MECHANICS

I might suggest an edit for punctuation. Put punctuation inside quotes. I did not spot any spelling mistakes.

*Star*SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS

Suggestion as mentioned above. An interesting psychological horror. Good luck in the Gothic Horror Contest.

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Review of Beatrice  
Review by StephBee
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hello, I'm StephBee and I'm a judge in GeminiStar's Gothic Horrors Contest.

*Reading*THE STORY

Beatrice trolls a mansion near the sea where she mets a prisoner who is freed when his slave ship is shipwrecked.

*Smile*WHAT I LIKED

This was a good old fashioned gothic horror story capturing spooky elements and blending them into the past.

*Star*POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the third person limited mainly from Dougal's perspective. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star*DIALOGUE

There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. The dialogue moves the story forward.

*Star*CHARACTERS

Dougal, (main)

Dougal interacts with well with Beatrice and one can only wonder, like Dougal, what causes her to be the way she is. He's sympathetic, similar to the anti-hero.

{e:starDESCRIPTIONS

Good descriptions. I could easily conjure up visuals of the story in my mind as I read.

*Star*MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes. There were no uneven or choppy sentences.

*Star*SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS

I would suggest spacing between paragraphs here on WDC as it's easier on the reader's eyes. I felt like I was reading gothic horror. The ending was unexpected and a good compliment to the story. Good luck in the Gothic Horrors Contest.

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Review of The Granson Place  
Review by StephBee
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hello, I'm StephBee and I'm a judge in GeminiStar's Gothic Horrors Contest.

*Reading*THE STORY

Ralph takes Todd to the Grandson Place to discover the ghosts that hide out there.

*Smile*WHAT I LIKED

I loved the plot/pacing. It kept me reading. The opening grabbed my attention.

*Star*POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the first person by Todd. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star*DIALOGUE

There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. The dialogue moves the story forward.

*Star*CHARACTERS

Todd, (main)

Todd is the sidekick character who gets much more than he bargains for. He was sympathetic and likable.

{e:starDESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes. If anything, you could expand on the description of the haunted house but you don't need a lot. A well placed word could amp up the visual.

*Star*MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes. There were no uneven or choppy sentences.

*Star*SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS

I have no suggestions for improvement. I felt like I was reading gothic horror. The ending was a perfect compliment to the story. Good luck in the Gothic Horrors Contest.

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Review of The Cassette Tape  
Review by StephBee
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello, I'm StephBee and I'm a judge in GeminiStar's Gothic Horrors Contest.

*Reading*THE STORY

A cassette tape, given as a Christmas gift, haunts John.

*Smile*WHAT I LIKED

I loved the plot and how the focus of the horror was on a simple like the cassette tape. Geniviere was the perfect antagonist for the story. The ending was great and totally appropriate for the story.

*Star*POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the third person limited mainly from John's perspective. Tense shifts at the end appropriately with a line break. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star*DIALOGUE

There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. The dialogue moves the story forward.

*Star*CHARACTERS

John, (main)

John was a guy I think every writer can identify with. He's sympathetic and his plight is sad, but right in fitting with gothic horror.

{e:starDESCRIPTIONS

There was enough to set the scene/place. If anything you could expand on this.

*Star*MECHANICS

If anything, I thought the mechanics were a little sluggish. I would suggest an edit for punctuation. Try not to write 'he thought' but use italics to set off the character's thoughts. Also, since this is third person, you don't need to use he thought since your consistency implies John is the POV. For example as written:

I've always wanted to finish "The Young Rebels", he thought.

My suggestion. He always had wanted to finish "The Young Rebels."


*Star*SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS

Suggestions as mentioned above. I felt like I was reading gothic horror. The ending was a perfect compliment to the story. Good luck in the Gothic Horrors Contest.

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Review of Grave Dirt  
Review by StephBee
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hello, I'm StephBee and I'm a judge in GeminiStar's Gothic Horrors Contest.

*Reading*THE STORY

Mary wakes up in a grave and is forced to relieve her death in hopes her memory will reveal the location of a box.

*Smile*WHAT I LIKED

There was great economy of words. The plot and pacing was spot. The story had a real good flow to it. I didn't want to put it down.

*Star*POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the third person limited mainly from Mary's perspective. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star*DIALOGUE

There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. The dialogue moves the story forward.

*Star*CHARACTERS

Mary, (main)

I liked how the reader met Mary, struggling to get through the dirt and coffin in the ground. She's very sympathetic. I felt for her plight.

{e:starDESCRIPTIONS

The opening is one of the best opening sequences of description and action I've read here on WDC.

*Star*MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes. There were no uneven or choppy sentences.

*Star*SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS

I have no suggestions for improvement. Again, GREAT opening. It gripped my attention and never let it go. I felt like I was reading gothic horror. The ending was a perfect compliment to the story. Good luck in the Gothic Horrors Contest.

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Review of Mirror, Mirror  
Review by StephBee
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hello, it's StephBee with a Bard's Hall Review.

*Reading*THE STORY

What goes around comes around. A boy steals and hordes everyday objects.

*Smile*WHAT I LIKED

The ending was very well done.

*Star*POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the first person. Good job with narration. Past tense is used correctly.

*Star*CHARACTERS

Narrator (main)

The narrator takes "inventory" of the stuff he's stolen only to have that stuff come back and haunt him.

*Star*DIALOGUE

The dialogue moves the story forward.

*Star*MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes. There were no uneven or choppy sentences.

*Star*SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS

I thought the opening of the story was a little confusing but after a read it a couple of times I understood it. The ending was very well done, and emboidied the horror genre. The story fit the contest prompt. Good luck in the Bard's Hall Contest!

Bard's Hall Graphic for Autumn
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Review of The Natural End  
Review by StephBee
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello, it's StephBee with a Show off Your Best at the Sandbox Review.

*Reading*THE STORY

A boy recounts the time he first saw a soul.

*Smile*WHAT I LIKED

I liked the opening. It piqued my interest.

*Star*POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the first person mainly from the narrator's perspective. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star*DIALOGUE

There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. If anything, I might suggest spacing between paragraphs when using dialogue. Putting it so close together can confuse the reader.

*Star*FIRST 3 PARAGRAPHS

Again, good opening.

*Star*CHARACTERS

Narrator (main)

Our narrator recalls a creepy experience of a soul leaving a body.

*Star*DESCRIPTIONS

There was enough to set the scene.

*Star*MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctution mistakes. There were no uneven or choppy sentences.

*Star*SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS

Spell out okay in manuscript writing. It's okay for journalism but frowned upon in manuscripts. The story fit the prompt (horror) of the contest and the word count was listed in accordance with the contest rules. Good luck in the contest!

Blue ribbon banner for contest.
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Review by StephBee
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello, it's StephBee with a Show off Your Best at the Sandbox Review.

*Reading*THE STORY

A genetically engineered flower threatens to destory the human race. A crew of seven have to leave the bunker and avoid the pollen's deadly effects.

*Smile*WHAT I LIKED

The story had a good beginning that engaged me pretty quick as a reader. The plot and pacing was perfect and the ending was good. A good, overall read.

*Star*POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the first person by Karen. Good job with POV narration. Past tense is used appropriately. I have just one note - check "The first sign is" I think the is should be a was to stay in the past tense.

*Star*DIALOGUE

There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. The dialogue moves the story forward.

*Star*FIRST 3 PARAGRAPHS

It was a good start to the story. It piqued my interest.

*Star*CHARACTERS

The characters were interesting. I could feel for their plight.

*Star*DESCRIPTIONS

There was enough to set the scene. If anything, you could expand on it.

*Star*MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes. There were no uneven or choppy sentences.

*Star*SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS

I have no suggestions for improvement. The story fit the prompt (horror) of the contest and the word count was listed in accordance with the contest rules. Good luck in the contest!

Blue ribbon banner for contest.
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Review of Hang 'Em High  
Review by StephBee
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello, I'm StephBee and I'm a judge for Gemini Star's Gothic Horror Contest.

*Reading*THE STORY

Tommy is a supernatural fighter in a western setting.

*Smile*WHAT I LIKED

I thought it was creative to weave in a western setting into a gothic horror.

*Star*POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the third person limited mainly from Johnny's perspective. Flashbacks are also used to help establish what Johnny and Ayden are fighting against and to explain the back history of the characters. Past tense is used apporpriately.

*Star*DIALOGUE

There's a good blend of dialogue and narration.

*Star*CHARACTERS

Johnny (main)

Johnny's mettle is tested when he discover his girlfriend's death. I liked his grim determination. The brothership with Ayden felt real.

*Star*DESCRIPTIONS

I thought there was enough to establish the scenes, but I might suggest using description to firmly establish a time and place.

*Star*MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes.


*Star*SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS

Suggestions as mentioned above. I thought this was very creative and original. Good luck in the contest.

Keep writing.

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Review of The Oubliette  
Review by StephBee
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello, I'm StephBee and I'm a judge for Gemini Star's Gothic Horror Contest.

*Reading*THE STORY

A demon comes out during a seance.

*Smile*WHAT I LIKED

I thought the opening poem set the table well for the story that was to come. The title ties in nicely with the story.

*Star*POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in a lonesome dove perspective, where narration shifts within scenes. Most of the time the scenes were third person limited in Alberto's perspective, but it switches to Amanda and then the elemental at one point. Such switches can be jarring to readers. I might suggest picking a perspective and staying with it consistantly throughout. Only a suggestion, nothing more. Past tense was used appropriately.

*Star*DIALOGUE

There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. The dialogue moves the story forward well.

*Star*CHARACTERS

Alberto (main)

Alberto is the guardian for Mercy, the medium. He's very symathetic and cares for Mercy.

*Star*DESCRIPTIONS

There are enough descriptions to set the scenes. If anything I would use description to establish the time and place. I was thinking early 1900's England but wasn't sure. Maybe America?

*Star*MECHANICS

I might suggest and edit for spelling/punctutation. For example, as written: "Alright who's there, who am I talking too?" Alberto said.

My suggestion: "All right, who's there? Who am I talking to?" Alberto demanded.


*Star*SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS

The ending was appropriate to the story. Good luck in the contest.

Keep writing.

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Review of Slaughter House  
Review by StephBee
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello, I'm StephBee and I'm a judge for Gemini Star's Gothic Horror Contest.

*Reading*THE STORY

Janet wants to buy a house that definately has "life" of it's own.

*Smile*WHAT I LIKED

I really liked the beginning The dialogue drew me immediately into the story. I thought it was a great start and it hooked me, as a reader.

*Star*POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the third person limited, mainly from Janet's perspective. Good job with narration. Past tense was used appropriately.

*Star*DIALOGUE

There's a nice blend of dialogue & narration. The dialogue moves the story forward nicely.

*Star*CHARACTERS

Janet, (main)

Janet is the ultimate non-believer until there's too much proof for her to deny. I like how she goes about her journey from non-belief to belief. Good character development. The author also supplies the main character with a good supporting cast which helps the story to shine.

*Star*DESCRIPTIONS

There are enough descriptions to set the scenes without being overwhelming. Things I liked: "Janet felt a cold chill crawl up her spine." Good way to build suspense. The temperature dropping is another good way to creep in suspense.

*Star*MECHANICS

I might suggest an edit for punctutation. In manuscript writing it's okay to put Janet's thoughts in italics without having to use single quotes.

*Star*SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS

My suggestions may seem nit-picky but that's because I felt the story was very good and they stood out to me.

#1 - establish Norm as a caretaker quicker than what you do. I thought he was the realtor at first.

#2 - Try to stay away from "thought Janet." For example, as written: 'This is ridiculous,' thought Janet as she made her way down the steps.

The reader knows they are getting the story from Janet's perspective so to lapse into her thoughts is acceptable. I might suggest:

Janet made her way down the steps, the heels of her shoes clicking on the wood.This is ridiculous. Mind you it's only a suggestion. I know where you're going with it, just tighten it up.

You establish a good voice for Janet as a narrator. She's a bit haughty, arrogant and sure in her convictions. In that regard the paragraph that starts, "Janet surveyed the exterior of the home," didn't seem to ring true to her voice.

You've got a great ending and I felt like I was reading a good gothic horror tale. Good luck in the contest. (I'd love to rate you higher if you do an edit on the things I suggested.)

Two thumbs up. Keep writing.

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Review of An Oath Sworn  
Review by StephBee
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello, it's StephBee I am a judge for GeminiStar's Gothic Horror Contest.

*Reading*THE STORY

This story blends fantasy and horror as Bellemarr fights three deceptive knights.

*Smile*WHAT I LIKED

I liked the imagination and creativity behind the story. The descriptions were "spot on" and helped me to picture the author's setting.

*Star*POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the third person limited mainly from Bellemarr's perspective. From time to time, the perspective shifts to other characters, at one point to Delen, the advisor. I might suggest staying strictly in Bellemarr's perspective as shifts like this can be confusing to readers. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star*CHARACTERS

Bellemarr (main)

Bellemarr has to confront the knights but things aren't what they appear and he doesn't know if he can trust what's going on.


*Star*DESCRIPTIONS

Spot on. I liked the description of the throne room. It allowed me to picture it in my mind without being overwhelming in its description.

*Star*MECHANICS

There were no uneven or choppy sentences. I did not spot any spelling mistakes. I might suggest an edit for punctutation.

*Star*DIALOGUE

I thought the dialogue captured the essence of the fantasy setting, but I would suggest keeping your dialogue tags simple like "he said," or "she replied." Put the action in a simple sentence following. For example, as written: "Fat," he replied as he put the ebony katana back in its scabbard.

I might suggest: "Fat," he replied. Bellemarr put the ebony katana back in its scabbard.

*Star*SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS

Suggestion as mentioned above. The ending was satisifying to the reader. This could easily be extended into a novel. Keep writing!

Good luck in the contest!

Reviewed by StephB

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Review of The Eagle's Talon  
Review by StephBee
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello, it's StephBee I am a judge for GeminiStar's Gothic Horror Contest.

*Reading*THE STORY

A man buys an Eagle's talon that grants three wishes.

*Smile*WHAT I LIKED

I liked how the story followed the horror forumula. The author built up the suspense of the story well. I liked how the story played into the consquences of Roger's actions.

*Star*POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the third person limited by Roger. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star*CHARACTERS

Roger, (main)

Roger is the main character who goes through a change due to what he experiences. He doesn't really think about the consquences of his actions until it's too late. Good job with character development.

*Star*DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scene. You could expand on this if you wanted.

*Star*MECHANICS

There were no uneven or choppy sentences. I did not spot any grammar/punctutation mistakes.

*Star*DIALOGUE

There's a good balance of dialogue and narration. The dialogue moves the story forward.

*Star*SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS

Suggestion as mentioned above. I felt like I was reading "gothic horror." You did a good job showing the story as opposed to telling it.

Good luck in the contest!

Reviewed by StephB

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Review of "Julian Draft"  
Review by StephBee
Rated: E | (3.0)
*Reading*THE CHAPTER

Two girls, Elaina and Nicole find themselves attracted to Julian.

*Smile*WHAT I LIKED

I liked the premise of the story. A triangle between two women and a man is very topical and it's something all readers can identify with.

*Star*POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the third person limited mainly from Elaina's perspective. While Elaina appears to be a sympathic character, I might suggest writing the chapter from a first person pov. I think it will draw the reader in better.

I might also suggest using past tense here. Most editors and readers connect better with the past tense. It's more accepted in the writing community. I would suggest a present tense if you were writing a children's story, in that children connect more with the present tense.

*Star*DIALOGUE

There's a good mix of dialogue and narration, but I suggest a read over. For example, as written:

"It is just a dinner. Not good-bye forever." You can smooth this out by writing:

"It's just dinner, not good-bye forever." It's all right to use abbreviations in dialogue. Also, watch out for your dialogue tags. If it's clear whose speaking, don't use a tag. If you have to, use "he said, or she replied." Try not to put action in a dialogue tag, write it in a seperate sentence. For example, as written: "Hey gorgeous," Julian smiles and pulles Nicole into his arms.

My suggestion: "Hey, gorgeous," said Julian. He smiled at Nicole and pulled her into his arms for a hug.

*Star*CHARACTERS

Julian, Elaina, and Nicole

Elaina is sympathic, but I'm unsure of the dynamic or relationship of all three characters. Julian seems to favor Nicole. At this point, they're all likeable enough, but I would suggest in the next chapter to really develop them. Tell us what they like, don't like, and how they know each other.

*Star*DESCRIPTIONS

I think there needs to be a little more description. I got the impression this takes place in high school or perhaps college? In your first chapter, it is important to establish the time, place and setting and using description is a good way to do it. If you can't establish that in the first chapter than an opening like, "Castaic, CA, 2007" is acceptable.

*Star*MECHANICS

I know this is a draft and I know there are some spelling/puncutation mistakes. No worries. You've got time to do edits for the mechanics later.

*Star*SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS

Suggestion as mentioned above. I might also suggest starting with some more action to hook the reader into your world. For example, maybe Julian is rushing to get to practice or try-outs and Elaina is chasing after him? Put your character in motion, even if it's a brisk walk. Readers will want to know why.


I think you've got a good draft here. With further edits, I think you're going to have a great opening chapter.

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Review of My Rock of Flesh  
Review by StephBee
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Reading*THE POEM

A passionate, inspirational poem.

*Smile*WHAT I LIKED

I loved the expression here. My favorite line is "When everyone vomits up their empty promises." It's very graphic, yet very effective in conjuring up emotion.

*Star*STRUCTURE

This is a free form poem with no apparent rythme scheme. There is no established meter.

*Star*MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling mistakes, but I might suggest an edit for punctutation. For example, the last sentence in the poem needs a period after "score."

*Star*SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS

Suggestion as mentioned above. I thought this was a very uplifting poem. Keep writing!

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Review by StephBee
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Reading*THE STORY

An Irish myth about how the stars came to be in the sky.

*Smile*WHAT I LIKED

It was very interesting. I liked reading about other cultures myths and legends.

*Star*POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the first person. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star*CHARACTERS

Lillthien and Ryan

Both characters are interesting. Lillthien is heartbroken and it's easy for the reader to feel for her character.

*Star*DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scene. I can picture the story in my mind.

*Star*MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes, I might suggest a read over for maybe missed words or minor grammar edits. For example, as written:

"The sea had played her hand, had seduced them in calm, and then consumed them in one of the worst storms of the season."

I really like this, but I might rephrase or tweak it just a little so it flows better.

*red*Suggestion: "The sea had played her hand, had seduced them with calm weather and then consumed them in one of the worst storms of the season."

*Star*SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS

Suggestion as mentioned above. I thought this was a really interesting myth! Keep writing.

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Review by StephBee
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
*Reading*THE SCRIPT/PLAY

A man has dinner with his family while a bum lacks food.

*Smile*WHAT I LIKED

The constrasting situtations are so extreme that they make the reader sit up and take notice.

*Star*SCRIPT

This is written in the structure of a script. I'm not very well versed in script writing, but I believe this follows the basic structure. The stage directions are easy to understand and it is easy to figure out who is talking.

*Star*CHARACTERS

Shaun ignores a bum on the street and goes home to eat. The bum is very sympathetic here. This is a good character driven play that urges the reader to think of how social injustice touches our lives.

*Star*MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes.

*Star*SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS

My only suggestion would be to research the actual format of the script/play. The play itself pulls on the heartstrings.

Keep writing!

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896
896
Review by StephBee
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*Reading*THE STORY

A character driven story about an average girl in an extra-ordinary family.

*Smile*WHAT I LIKED

The author does a great job capturing the narrator's voice. I really connected to the narrator.

*Star*POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the first person. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star*CHARACTERS

The author goes into detail describing the narrator's family. You really get to know them. There's not much action, but as a reader, you can easily make an emotional connection to the family.

*Star*MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes.

*Star*SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS

My suggestions would be to expand what you've written and allow us to see the interactions between the narrator and her family. A good character driven story.

Keep writing!

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897
897
Review of What Not to Write  
Review by StephBee
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
*Reading*THE ARTICLE

The author takes a look at reviewing points using to critique a writer's work.

*Smile*WHAT I LIKED

This was very comprehensive. I loved the interactive quotes from other members of WDC who take reading/reviewing seriously. Points like colored font, all caps, personal writing, and chat speak are addressed. I found myself saying, "Amen, I agree wholeheartly."

*Star*MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes.

*Star*)PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

I have no suggestions for improvement. I highly recommend this article to those who publish content here on WDC. By following these little tips, it will help improve one who is interested in taking their craft seriously.

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898
Review of Adrift  
Review by StephBee
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello, it's StephBee with a Show Off Your Best at the Sandbox Contest Review.

*Reading*THE STORY

Dave sets a bottle adrift in the sea as he remembers his love.

*Smile*WHAT I LIKED

I thought the author did a great job with the romantic elements of the story.

*Star*POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the third person limited mainly from Dave's perspective. Good job with narration. The story is told in the present tense. I might suggest using past tense. It's less disconcerting for editors and readers.

*Star*CHARACTERS

Dave

Dave is lost in romantic thoughts for Jennifer. His actions are motivated by that.

*Star*DIALOGUE

There is no dialogue.

*Star*1ST 3 PARAGRAPHS

It was an interesting start to the story.

*Star*DESCRIPTIONS

There were enough to provide the setting.

*Star*MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes.

*Star*SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS

Suggestions as mentioned above. Your story didn't quite fit the prompt of the contest. (romantica) While the story does capture romantic elements, romantica adds erotica gives "romantica" the "tica" of the story. A scene with Dave recalling a vivid love scene with Jennifer would make the story "romantica." The word count was posted in accordance with the contest rules.

Good luck!

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899
Review by StephBee
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello, it's StephBee with a Show Off Your Best at the Sandbox Contest Review.

*Reading*THE STORY

Nick goes to Iraq in the hopes of helping to make things better over there.

*Smile*WHAT I LIKED

Nick's idealism. You made real to the readers.

*Star*POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the third person mainly from Nick's perspective. Good job with narration. Past tense was used appropriately. If anything, check the tense in the 3rd to the last paragraph, it changes to present.

*Star*CHARACTERS

Nick, (main)

Nick's characterization is the strongest part of the story. He has hopes, ideals, desires that all of share. His fear is real.

*Star*DIALOGUE

The dialogue moved the plot forward. The dialogue itself was realistic.

*Star*1ST 3 PARAGRAPHS

It was a good start to the story. They held my attention.

*Star*DESCRIPTIONS

There were enough to provide the setting.

*Star*MECHANICS

The only thing I caught was "agrily." Angrily?

*Star*SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS

Suggestions as mentioned above. Your story fit the prompt of the contest (historical fiction) and the word count was not posted in accordance with the contest rules.

Good luck!

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900
900
Review by StephBee
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hello, it's StephBee with a Show Off Your Best at the Sandbox Contest Review.

*Reading*THE STORY

Robert goes off to fight for the Union during the Civil War in an attempt to make life better for his Mama.

*Smile*WHAT I LIKED

The ending really brought the story full circle. Good tie in to the start.

*Star*POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the first person by Robert. Good job with narration. Past tense was used appropriately.

*Star*CHARACTERS

Robert, (main)

Robert is caught up in the idealism of going to war. Once he experiences, his world shatters from war's horrors. We see his fears, hopes, and desires in this short story. The characterization is the strongest element of the writing.

*Star*DIALOGUE

The dialogue moved the plot forward. Nice blend of narration & dialogue.

*Star*1ST 3 PARAGRAPHS

It was a good start to the story. They held my attention.

*Star*DESCRIPTIONS

There were enough to provide the setting. I might suggest using a little more, touching on the five senses. Really paint the day of fighting that made Robert lose his mind.

*Star*MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes.

*Star*SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS

Suggestions as mentioned above. Your story fit the prompt of the contest (historical fiction) and the word count was posted in accordance with the contest rules.

Good luck!

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