Wailanee continues to be haunted by a ghost and confronts the neighbor.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked the theme of the story.
POINT OF VIEW
This is written in the third person omniscient. Good job with POV.
CHARACTERS
Wailanee, Angelica, Neighbor.
One of the thing I got confused on was the relationships in the story. Maybe a first person narrative might help?
DESCRIPTIONS
I might suggest clearly defining the time/setting of the story as I'm not sure it is modern day or several years back.
MECHANICS
I might suggest an edit for copyediting. Included is a paragraph with misc. typos and my suggestions.
AS WRITTEN:
"Angelica was brilliant. That little girl was good at everything she put her mind
to. I would give her a baking recipe and she would memorize it. She had very good
hands. Always kind and polite. But Angelica was vey curious about everything
She never ceased asking , Why?" grandma wiped her eyes with a hankie.
She blew her nose and continued " There are certain things in life we are better
off not knowing about. It doesn't mean they don't exist , it means certain doors
should remain closed. Always." she got closer to me and whispered "Angie had
a special gift. She could see things no one else could. Most people don't know
how to use these gifts, but she did."
MY SUGGESTIONS
"Angelica was brilliant. That little girl was good at everything she put her mind to. I would give her a baking recipe and she would memorize it. She had very good hands. Always kind and polite. But Angelica was very curious about everything. She never ceased asking,'why?'" Grandma wiped her eyes with a hankie. Then she blew her nose and continued, "There are certain things in life we are better off not knowing about. It doesn't mean they don't exist , it means certain doors should remain closed. Always." She got closer to me and whispered, "Angie had a special gift. She could see things no one else could. Most people don't know how to use these gifts, but she did."
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS.
Suggestions as noted above. Also, aside from spacing, I might suggest you double the chapter. It is listed as Chp.3. Did I miss Chp. 2? The pacing and plot are slowed down here because there seems to be no clear defination of time and setting, characters, etc. I'd love to rate this higher if the author does an edit.
This is a poem which expresses gratitude. It's a positive testiment to the power of Writing.com
WHAT I LIKED
I thought this was very positive, upbeat, and lovely testimonial to WDC. I've seen so many good things here at WDC and it really has helped to sharpen my writing.
STRUCTURE
This is a free form poem with the 2nd and 4th lines rythming. The meter is easy and nice on the ears.
Good horror is always rooted in basic human emotions, which I think the author captures here. I could feel the pain, loss, and grief.
POINT OF VIEW
This is written in the first person. Good job with POV narration.
CHARACTERIZATION
I might suggest defining our tragedic (sp?) lead character a little more. What is her name? Also, there was some confusion as to who caused the grief - a twin sister or a close friend. These points have to clearly defined.
DESCRIPTION
Another suggestion would be to clearly define the time and place. Is it a sunny, contrasting the dark mood of our storyteller? If so, this might heighten the horrifing act at the end.
SOUND & MECHANICS
There were no uneven or choppy sentences. I did not spot any grammar/puctutation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as noted above. This has a lot of potential and I'd love to rate you higher if you do an edit.
Edna is killed and must find a way to reach out to her son while he is still alive.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked the premise of this story. The ending kind of suprised since I wasn't quite sure where the author was going with this.
STRUCTURE
This is told in the third person omniscient. Line breaks are appopriate.
DIALOGUE
Appopriate to the story.
CHARACTERS
The characters are interesting. Edna and Wesley are ghosts trying to right the wrongs of the living world.
DESCRIPTIONS
If anything, I might suggest adding some description to set the eerieness of the story a little better.
SOUND & MECHANICS
I might suggest a copy for grammar/puctutation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestionsas noted above. Good ending, if anything, just make it a little clearer. Establish the relationship early, leave them, and then sucker punch us at the ending.
Jessica, a dispatcher, loses her lover, Howard, in a tragic accident.
WHAT I LIKED
The story moves a good pace. Nice blend of action and emotion.
STRUCTURE
This is told in the third person omniscient. Line breaks are appopriate.
DIALOGUE
Appopriate to the story.
CHARACTERS
Jessica, Howard
Howard is a really nice guy and that comes across. Jessica is very human. She runs the gambit of emotions here as Howard is injuried and dies. I thought the author did a great job capturing Jessica's sorrow.
DESCRIPTIONS
Descriptions were good enough to set the scene of the city. If anything you might want to establish what city this is. Is this modern day or a couple of years ago?
SOUND & MECHANICS
I might suggest a copy for grammar/puctutation mistakes. .
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Good improvement from the first verison. Things seem a lot clearer now. There is more focus to the story and the end of the chapter is a good set up for Howard's haunting.
A young woman meets a friend her first day at college.
WHAT I LIKED
I think everyone can identify with the shy, hestiancy that Catie has. New experiences run a person through a gambit of emotions and that one person who does a little extra to go out of their way really helps.
STRUCTURE
This is told in the first person by Catie.
DIALOGUE
Appopriate to the story.
CHARACTERS
The characterization focues on Catie and how nervous she is at her first day in college. I thought the author did a great caputuring emotions here.
DESCRIPTIONS
If anything, I might suggest adding a little more description to set the college scene.
SOUND & MECHANICS
There were no uneven or choppy sentences. I did not spot any grammar/puctutation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestion as noted above. Also, you might consider spacing between paragraphs, as it's hard on the eyes on WDC if you don't. Nice write.
A twin decides to switch classes with her sister, but she's not quite prepared to face French class.
WHAT I LIKED
I was attracted to the story because of the French angle. I had to sit through some French classes myself. I liked how Renee couldn't fool the French students about her identity.
POINT OF VIEW
This is written in the first person by Renee. Good job staying in POV.
DIALOGUE
The dialoge was very good. It really helped to capture the flavor of the story. The author has a knack for crisp, fun dialogue.
DESCRIPTIONS
Just enough to set the time and place.
SOUND & MECHANICS
There were no uneven or choppy sentences. I did not spot any grammar/puctuation mistakes. Technically, the story is well presented.
CHARACTERS
Renne, Robin, French students.
The characterization here great. Even though you don't see much of Robin in the story, the author clearly establishes the differences (and similiarilites) of the the girls.
A woman goes to buy a gift but the choice is tough - spidey or scooby.
WHAT I LIKED
I loved the humor that the author infused in the story. I could totally picture this happening in the store. I loved the ending how mom just gave up, but kudo to mom for knowing that Spiderman is cool too.
POINT OF VIEW
This is written in the first person by the mom. Good job staying in POV.
DIALOGUE
The dialoge was "spot on" as Rowling would say. It really helped to capture the flavor of the story.
DESCRIPTIONS
Just enough to set the time and place.
SOUND & MECHANICS
There were no uneven or choppy sentences. I did not spot any grammar/puctuation mistakes. Technically, the story is well presented.
CHARACTERS
Mom, Laney & Autumn (daughters)
I thought the daughters were great. The characters were interesting and held my attention.
The overall visual of the poem makes me think of the "Fall of the World" and one person's plea to be remembered on judgement day.
WHAT I LIKED
Aside from the overall story as mentioned above, I think you could take this and personalize it. It could mean losing some precious to you. I liked the word play and visuals this poem evoked. Good job.
STRUCTURE
This is a free form poem. The 1st and 2nd lines rythme as well as the 3rd and 4th of each stanza. The meter matches the tone of the poem well.
SOUND & MECHANICS
I did not spot any grammar/puctutation mistakes. Techincally, the poem is well polished and well presented.
I liked how the author set the story. It is easy to picture the time/place/setting. Lord Percy seems to be a good, honorable fellow and I think he'll be a very positive role model for Gadahin.
POINT OF VIEW
This is written in the third person by an omniscient narrator. Good job w/POV narration.
CHARACTERS
Gadahin seems a little overwhelmed, yet ready to take on a knightship. He's smart and eager to learn.
Lord Percy seems an apt teacher for the young Gadahin.
MECHANICS AND SOUND
There were no uneven or choppy sentences. I did not spot any grammar/puctutation mistakes. Technically, the story is well polished and well presented.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Again, if anything, what's the theme? What's the challenge that Gadahin has to face an overcome? My only suggestion after reading these chapter is to incorporate a theme so the readers have something to look forward, too. Other than that, I thought this was a great, upbeat, positive read.
Gadahin's friend, Paresis, shows Gadahin a secret storage room in the castle were Gadahin finds several knightly treasures.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked the whole bit about the secret room. It was like finding buried treasure in the sand. Plot and pacing are well done, but it is a little slow and I'm curious to the challenges that face Gadahin as they haven't really been revealed or hinted at.
POINT OF VIEW
This is told in the third person omniscient by an all knowning narrator. POV remains consistant throughout.
DIALOGUE
Well done and appropriate to the time period. Gives the story a feel of authencity.
CHARACTERS
Gadahin, Paresis
Gadahin makes some amazing discoveries here and his wonderment is captured well. Paresis is an old Knight who guides Gadahin. Characterization was fine in this chapter.
MECHANICS & SOUND
I did not notice any grammar/pucutation mistakes. There were no uneven or choppy sentences. Technically, the chapter is well presented.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
The only thing that came to me, was what challenge does Gadahin face as our hero? It's been a couple of chapters now and the theme of the novel hasn't been established? Is it how a boy grows into a man? Friend vs. Friend? Good & evil? Finding oneself? Some food for thought.
Gadahin's mother goes off to help villagers with the plague and sucumbs to it herself.
WHAT I LIKED
To me, this read like a vignette. The plot/pacing of the chapter was well done and moved the story forward.
POINT OF VIEW
This is told in the third person omniscient using "all knowing" narrator. Good job w/POV.
DIALOGUE
Appropriate to the story. There is a good balance of narration and dialogue.
CHARACTERS
Evangeline (main)
You get a sense of Evangeline's goodness from this chapter, and in a way, get to know Gadahin better, as you realize she has set a good example for him growing up, despite the fact his father had passed at an early age. You get to see that Gadahin's nobility comes not only from his father, but his mother as well.
DESCRIPTIONS
There are just enough to set the scene.
SOUND & MECHANICS
There were no uneven or choppy sentences. I did not spot any grammar/puctutation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
No suggestions. I thought this chapter flowed really well. It was also well polished and well presented.
This is a personal essay about how the author deals with the everyday challenge of Bipolar disorder.
WHAT I LIKED
First, let me thank the author for sharing such a personal story. When one does that it, allows others to learn. I thought this was very inspiring, honest, and candid.
POINT OF VIEW
This is written in the first person by the author. Good job staying in POV.
MECHANICS & SOUND
There were no uneven or choppy sentences. I did not spot any grammar/puctutation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
The author starts with talking about a wall and how a wall can keep things in or keep them out. It is a good analogy to what she faces. Then she addresses the fact Bipolar disorder and how she's been able to overcome it. I thought would make a good piece for a "reader's digest." The essay is well polished and well presented.
Jessica's lover, Howard, is killed in an auto accident.
WHAT I LIKED
The author captured emotions well. Jessica seems to run the gambit in this chapter and the author did a good job with the pace and ploting of that.
POINT OF VIEW
This is written in the third person omniscient, mainly from Jessica's perspective. Good job staying in POV, but watch out for tense shifts between past and present.
Example: "It's been two years since she agreed to move in with him..." This is the present tense while most of the chapter is written in the past. I might suggest:
It had been two years since she moved in with Howard.
DIALOGUE
The dialogue is appropriate to the story, however, the dialogue tags need to be edited. For example, as written:
"Sir can you hold on a moment? Thank you" replied Jessie. As she hung the phone back on the cradle, and picked up the microphone for the 2 way radio.
My suggestion: {c;red} "Sir, can you hold on a moment? Thank you," replied Jessie. She hung the phone up and reached for the two-way radio.
CHARACTERS
Jessica, Howard
Jessica seems a hard working girl, focused on her career, and to that extent, allows her relationship with Howard to fall a little to the side. I do believe she loves him, but for whatever reason, either her career focus or her inability to commit, don't allow her to fully embrace what Howard offers.
Howard
Steady and true, he's the kind of guy a woman would like to find their life.
The characterization is fine. They are likable characters that the reader can get into.
DESCRIPTIONS
There are more descriptions on the "everyday" things than the time/place/setting. I'm not quite sure what city this is in or even the season. I might suggest using your descriptions to establish the setting and laying off of it in other places.
MECHANICS & SOUND
There are numerous choppy sentences but that is because of the puctuation. I might suggest an edit for spelling, grammar, and puctutation, as the chapter is riddled with them.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
I might suggest spacing between paragraphs and dialogue tags to make it easier to read on the eyes here at WDC.
Your plot/pacing seems fine, however, I thought it strange a casual friend would just come up with a Power of Attorney and present it to Jessica. I would think Howard would have done that and given it to her to keep in a safety box at home. That particuliar plot point just didn't seem to ring true to me.
I'd love to rate you higher if you do an edit. You have the framework for a good emotional, characer driven story, but it needs a lot of attention to detail.
Our hero's father dies in battle. The author gives us a peek into the type of life Gadahin had growing up.
WHAT I LIKED
I thought the opening started out well, the action of the battle and Phillip's thoughtful gesture, but then slows down to narrate the type of life Gadahin has growing up. I might suggest just showing us a scene with Gadahin, a little older, possiblity leaving flowers at his father's grave and transiting to chapter 2 and what awaits our hero there. This way you have our hero doing something that still allows the reader to get involved in the "action" while giving us that narration necessary to move on with his character. Just a suggestion, nothing more.
POINT OF VIEW
This is told in the third person omnisicent, mainly from an omnisicent narrator. Well done in that regard.
DIALOGUE
Appopriate. Dialogue is very strong in this chapter.
CHARACTERS
Phillip, (main)
Phillip's unselfish action gets him killed, but it establishes the type of person he was - and sets the "tone" for his son's character, as we expect Gadahin to be the same way.
DESCRIPTIONS
Descriptions are just enough to paint the scene.
SOUND & MECHANICS
There were no uneven or choppy sentences. I did not spot any grammar/puctutation mistakes. Technically, I thought this was well presented.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as noted above. For the most part was I quite impressed with this. There is definately a blend of English flavor and fantasy, yet it still retains a touch of realism. My only concern here, is watch how you blend. If England is the setting, how true are you going to be to it's history? If you are going to go off on the fantasy, you might want to base a fantasy country "Lowdowne" on England. This is just a suggestion, nothing more. Food for thought on the blending.
This introduction serves to establish the time and setting of the story and to explain such things as the items of clothing and language used.
WHAT I LIKED
This was a fabulous reference, especially those discovering the genre for the first time. I liked the tone of the writing, to explain. I didn't feel I was being talked down to. Good job!
I liked the history of Richard I.
POINT OF VIEW
This is told in the third person omniscient.
MECHANICS & SOUND
I did not spot any grammar/puctutation mistakes. There were no uneven or choppy sentences. Technically, I thought the introduction was well presented.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
This is a nice, complimenting appendix to the story.
The author asks a very interesting question - paper or computer when it comes to writing. The results might surprise you.
WHAT I LIKED
Good question. As I have downtime to write at work, but I don't have access to a computer, I find I put a rough draft together with pen & paper and then fine tune it on the computer when I get home. It's just the way my schedule works out.
INTRODUCTION
Good question - wide variety of responses to select from. I did not not spot any grammar/puctutation mistakes.
I liked how the harmonica came alive in the story. The ending was awesome and gave the harmonica personality.
POINT OF VIEW
This is told in the third person omniscient mainly from Tarlek's perspective. Good job staying in POV.
DIALOGUE
The dialogue was the bulk of the story. It was well done and captured the boys' innocence well. If anything, I might suggest adding just a little more description to set the scene of the forest better, so I could picture it in my mind.
SOUND & MECHANICS
There were no uneven or choppy sentences. I did not notice any grammar/puctutation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as noted above. The dialogue is good, but try mixing in some description in the narrative. Overall, it's a good "horror" story.
This is an article about some of the fringe benefits companies give out to their employees.
WHAT I LIKED
The article makes you think about some of the perks you get. It's written in a nice, easy going, engaging writing style.
SOUND
If anything, I thought the opening 3 sentences were a little choppy and I might suggest an edit to smooth them out. Something like: "Everyone I know works, except me, my sister, and my mother." Then I might go into your work history before picking up with the phone ringing. By going into your work history, or simply saying, I've never worked, allows you to connect with the reader just a little bit more.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any grammar/puctutation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as noted above. I notice the main point of the article is made in the last paragraph which gives the reader pause to think.
For me, this poem spoke about the pressure of life, and as the byline aludes to, these pressure can be caused by political, parental stressors.
WHAT I LIKED
The poem hints at a deepeness and underlying of meaning. It cannot be casually read. It gives for reflection by the reader.
STRUCTURE
This is a free form poem with no apparent rythme scheme. The meter is a little stitled.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any grammar mistakes, but a case could be made for a little more puctutation. It might establish the meter better.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
My suggestion would be to tweak your mechanics and the more technical aspects of the poem. Your expression is fine and I like how the poem makes the reader pause to think.
Reviewed by StephB from the Sandbox.
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THE POEM
WHAT I LIKED
WHAT I LIKED