What a cutie, I loved the rhyme and the rhythm was so great, I could almost hear the sound of a distant drum.
You kept it moving and I could have read on until the early light.
You are a gifted poet of which I'm certain and don't ever stop writing. I'll come to visit your port again very soon. Welcome to Writing.Com.
Sincerely
M Duci
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What a lovely poem of love and ecstasy. I love the choice of words used in your work and I too have let my imagination take it's place and what I've come away with is a beautiful painting by a wonderful gifted artist. Continue the great work and give us more to come in search of finding inside your port. Thank you for sharing and welcome to Writing.Com.
Only tiny typo's did I see and that is the need to cap. all your I's. Great read.
Sincerely
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I must confess! I stopped by yesterday, to read your entrant, and thought I’d give you sometime to fix a few things before rating this piece. Oh! My how glad I am that I did! What a delightful story laid before my eyes, one told by a Master Story Teller. This is a great piece and I look forward to reading a lot more of your work very soon. Thank you for sharing and welcome to Writing.Com. Good luck in the Challenge.
Sincerely
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I think this is a good character study of this women Sally Gulford.
But I feel it could be a great character study if you would leave something to your readers imagination. The fact that she is not a frills person, yet she drives this great car, that some would die for, yet she is or she isn't. So, something's might be better left unsaid.
For instance:
'Her hair is a rich brown colour, the sort of brown most women pay for, but the richness is muted by the remnants of blonde. There is a hint of style, perhaps from a long-past hairdresser visit,'
To much information. Needs to be cut a little.
These are just suggestions.
Good luck in the challenge, and welcome to Writing.Com.
Sincerely
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This was such a sad story, filled with so much pain, aloneness, rejection and self-loathing.
My heart weeps for this person, who feels they are of no worth to anyone.
I pray that one day they may be able to reach out and ask for help before it is too late.
Very well written, with only one error ‘mouldering’ I think it should be ‘moldering.
Sincerely
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What a beautifully told story of the loss of a child,
and how the parents got through it.
The love and tenderness expressed by both husband and wife came through your characters very well.
I only had a small question about this paragraph:
'That day, John was trying to keep her mind off it all with his nervous talking and bumbling jokes while she grasped onto the hand he offered for dear life, measuring her breath in short puffs, muscles constricting with near excruciating waves of pain as her heart clenched in fearful joy and exhilaration .'
This seems to be a very long sentence, maybe you could
put a period after 'jokes.' Leave 'while off' 'She grasped the hand he offered holding it tightly.' 'The excruciating pain sending wave after wave of pain through out her body.'
I'm not sure about I how feel about 'fearful joy and exhilaration.' Could someone feel this way while in so much pain? These are just my suggestions.
Over all a very good story, and kept my interest. Thank you for sharing. Good luck in the challenge.
Sincerely
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This is a real cutie, from beginning to end. I love that measuring tape toting Mother.
You might want to take a look at some of the cap's that may not be necessary to make it work.
I couldn't take off for the caps; it's just a great
read. Thanks for sharing and good luck in the contest.
Sincerely
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This is a very lovely sad song. It makes me feel that a
love is lost and a heart is broken beyond repair. It's always sad to hear a heartbreaker. I like the chorus very much also! Great piece.
You've done a splendid job on the writing, and good
luck in the Newbie Challenge Contest.
Sincerely
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Yes I can remember just yesterday! How the years do go ever so quickly. Sometimes; I wonder would I do them all again just to see those little hands and dimpled feet? Ahhhhhhh! I think not, now that they have little darlings I can hold and send home .
I loved your poem and I'm so glad you have entered it into the Newbie Challenge, and welcome to Writing.Com.
Sincerely
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I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend. I hope that someday soon, the children and the family will be able to heal with this sadness and tragedy that has taken over their lives. It is always so sad when a young life is taken because of someone else's folly.
I am sure if they could read your poem they would know just how much they are missed, and cared for.
Thank you for entering the Newbie Challenge and welcome to Writing.Com.
Sincerely
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I normally have a weak stomach for little Toe Jam,
remedies, but this little cutie went so fast I never had time for the willies.
I found no errors and like you said the rhyming was very, very. Good luck in the Newbie Challenge Contest, and welcome to Writing.com.
Sincerely
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This I think would make even Shakespeare bend and bow on bended knee to the Sonnet of Gabriella! This is so tender and so refined. I just can't seem to fine the right words to tell you how much I love this one. I would define it as a short Sonnet that tells the whole story about this one love so sweet.
Bravo, Bravo! "Parting is such sweet sorrow" William Shakespeare. I like yours just as well if not better, and I love his. Good job, well done just for fun.
I know this word is much over used! But you've just blown me away.
Sincerely
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What a sad and tender story of a love lost. And of one
trying to move on with their life. The bitter sweet comes across much like the tiny glass breaking into a thousand pieces. The words you've chosen worked so well together, I loved the rhythm and for some reason I loved these lines the best:
'Your eyes glazed green
I glance
Your stare.
I know why'
Keep up the great writing, and welcome to Writing.Com.
Sincerely
M Duci
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What a beautiful mind you have! What a delight it was to read this refreshing poem told so beautiful, by using the voice of a child to speak and to be spoken too, by that round glorious light of our Sun. I love the way you gave the child it's own color, and the Sun it's own color. Thank you so much for sharing, and welcome to Writing.Com.
Best Wishes
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I am so sorry for your loss! I know how painful it must've been, having lost a young son, and just this past Nov. losing my darling niece who was the daughter I'd never had.
Your poem brought me to tears and oh! The memories.
I would like to ask you to enter your work in the Newbie Challenge a weekly contest of which I am one of the reviewers. If you would be interested in entering the contest I will send the link below. It would be very good exposure for your writing.
Sincerely
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Thank you for this lovely tribute to a son and his
father, you must be so proud of them both.
Funny how I get this picture in my head of two cowboys, one tall one short, walking up a road together talking talk that only they know. Thank you so much for sharing this with us and welcome to Writing.Com. Looking forward to read more from you very soon.
Best Wishes
M Duci
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This is a darling little poem, it say's so much
in four short lines. Sometimes we find the best
blessing wrapped up in tiny packages, and I do
believe this is one of them. Thank you so much
for sharing this tiny cutie with us, and welcome
to Writing.Com.
Sincerely
M Duci
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Dear Shamima,
What a sweet little story about 'Betty the Butterfly'
I'm sure children and grownups alike will love this litte tale.
Just a few minor fixings I think. I know you are in the UK, and a lot of your words are spelled different from ours if this is the case not a problem.
But some words would be spelt the same. I have made a little list of the one's my eyes cought right away.
Over all I thought it a darling piece, even more so because I love BUTTERFLIES. Welcom to Writing.Com, and look forward to seeing more from Shamima.
Betty the Butterfly
Betty lived in a garden secretly, with her mum, dad and anoyying boastful sister.
Next door neighbour's garden was under construction, so all the butterflies who lived there, came to live with them.
Oh, how she would love to have some colour! All she had was a plain dark brown, while ever other butterfly had dazzling colours all over them.
'I'm the ugly duckling,' she thought one day as she sobbed amongst a couple of leaves.
At school, her class-mates had teased her for as long as she could remember..One day, butterflies called her more rude names as ever.
'THAT'S IT! I can't take it any more!' She fluttered away one dark night, her intention was not to go back.
She lay down next to a big tree, and sniffed, 'Oh, I will never be beautiful in...' she dozed off to sleep at that very moment.
The next morning as she woke up, she was very surprised. Never in her life had she seen a black, shiny tree which was very, very wide!
She flew up and up, wondering if it was a tree after all!
But, what she saw was most extra-ordinary! A pot of gold!
She flew up to the arch in the middle of the rainbow and slid down, very fast as she splashed into a multicoloured lake. She looked at herself at a shiny surface....no, it couldn't be....
SHE HAD CHANGED COLOUR!
She flew back very happily to her proper home, in the garden into a dul atmosphere....
'you're back!' yelled everyone, wiping away tears.
They were very suprised indeed at the
~New colourful Betty the butterfly~!
annoying
neighbor's
color
multicolor
surprised
colorful
Sincerely
M Duci
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You have a wonderful gift for writing, and this one
stole my heart. It brought back memories nearly forgotten.
I remember when my second son was born! A very difficult birth! I was in a coma for seven days after his birth, but just before losing consciousness
I thought of all the things I would miss about his growing up I fought and prayed so hard not to die.
As you see I made it. Thank you for sharing with us and welcome to Writing.com.
Sincerely
M Duci
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Very nicely done Creative Mind, I did find that
the second stanza took me into another tense, but
over all it was a lovely poem. These lines are my
favorite:
'Love come back, from my heart I send this prayer,
Give me Your sight and take away my fear,
Shelter this new-found love and help it grow,
And give me directions, for there I will go.'
Welcome to Writing.Com, and continue to write.
Sincerely
M Duci
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"Where the road meets the sky, there you will find amazements to the eye"
What is so amazing is the signature it self. I have never seen on quite like it anywhere.
It brings a smile to my face! Just seeing how you've put the whole milking farm system into this beautiful
signature for the MilkMan. Congratulations on a job well done. Thank you so much for sharing.
Sincerely
M Duci
I came upon this lovely poem while looking over
your port. I have had you on my list for some
time now but because I started reading bottom to top
of our group “I Remember When,” I've just come to
your name. Of all the poems I should pick this one,
for I have the sequel to it in my port. I love when
two minds think alone the same path. It is so very lovely everyone of your expressions and feelings jell
this one together.
The only suggestions I have would be to capitalize all
the beginning words. A nice bold would look great, and perhaps center it. It is awesome. Thank you for sharing.
Sincerely
M Duci
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Of all poetry that is written today or yesterday, or any day. I love the poetry written about that four letter word LOVE, it does seem to melt my and I can't seem to give less then five s for the effort. This is beautiful and please continue to write in this vane because I'll be back to r/r again. Thank you for sharing, and welcome to Writing.Com.
'But I can not wake her.' May sound better, ' But I cannot wake her.'
I love your poem and was able to read the amazing rhyme scheme through all the maze. It is a work of
truth and you bring altogether in the end. What I would love to see you do with this wonderful piece!
Put it in poem form, separating into five lines each stanza. Centering it would be nice also, and maybe
make the color bold. Thank you so much for sharing
and consider entering it into one of the newbie contests.
Sincerely
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but this little cutie went so fast I never had time for the willies.
and I can't seem to give less then five