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1,502 Public Reviews Given
1,747 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I like to be honest and write about how I feel and what I see. It doesn't mean I'm always right - it means I'm telling you how your work affects me. I'll try to tell you the good with the bad, but don't expect fluff. Fluff sucks.
I'm good at...
Looking at format, spelling and some punctuation...except commas. I hate commas.
Least Favorite Genres
Technical essays, overly detailed fantasies and poetry.
I will not review...
Items that show no obvious effort at editing before promoting for review. If you spell "i" instead of "I", I will close the page and not review it. We're not idiots here.
Public Reviews
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Review of "Palouse Country"  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello whimzician
I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" . Thanks for entering!
 "Palouse Country"  (E)
Man Leaves Home; Man Comes Back Home...How Life Changed...or Did It?
#1341864 by whimzician


This felt more like a prologue than a short story. A country boy experiences the big city.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*I didn't know much more about your character than what he wore and his observations. Why did he want higher education?

Overall, a good beginning. I wanted to read more.

Regards,
Kim
352
352
Review of The Last Look  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (3.0)

Hello Dorianne
I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" . Thanks for entering!
 The Last Look  (E)
This is a short story written from a prompt for a contest.
#1350829 by Dorianne


Although there was a gap and a stop in the story, the idea was good. I felt you could have given your characters more life and emotion than you did. Perhaps this was because you were limited to a word count.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*You jump your timeline from where Edward contemplates his family's reaction to his leaving and showing the reaction. No dialog announcing it or anything. It jarred the smoothness of the story.
*Bullet*I believe Navy should be capitalized.
*Bullet*raised his had to be excused ~ hand
*Bullet*I think as the adult, the father would be more worried about the son's welfare than seasickness.

Overall, a good effort.

Regards,
Kim
353
353
Review of Starting Over  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hello Ԝ€ß☆ԜiʈCH
I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" . Thanks for entering!
Starting Over  (ASR)
Following the death of his grandfather, a young carpenter looks toward the future.
#1350020 by Ԝ€ß☆ԜiʈCH


A pretty story about craftsmanship passed from one generation to the next.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*While you projected sadness at the grandfather's death, I didn't feel the emotion.
*Bullet*Paragraph four, the geneology seemed too lengthy, my interest wandered.
*Bullet*Sadly, he just let that craft fall

Overall, a nice short.

Regards,
Kim
354
354
Review of The Black Willow  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Justyn
I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" . Thanks for entering!
 The Black Willow  (E)
He's been gone for so long; what has changed in his absence?
#1349039 by Justyn


What a heartfelt story! I thought your technical work with flashbacks was very successful.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*Conner's cattle farm was only a few dozen ~ had
*Bullet*moved South for Pop's health ~ south

Overall, great work. Send it out for publication.

Regards,
Kim
355
355
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Hello kawheeta
I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" . Thanks for entering!
 The Journey Into Manhood  (13+)
For Short Shots contest
#1348295 by kawheeta


Short, with strong emotion.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*It's a shame you didn't use more word count to paint a picture...this appears to be more of a flash.
*Bullet*Instead of writing your impressions of the picture at the beginning, I would rather you had woven them into the scene.

Overall, good start...keep writing! I'll keep reading.

Regards,
Kim
356
356
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello RedCat
I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" . Thanks for entering!
 When life gets cold  (E)
When life gets cold, sometimes you have to find your own sources of warmth.
#1347484 by RedCat


A heartwarming (and kitten-warming) story. You portrayed believable characters and kittens.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*Roger made it to she porch as she spoke and slowly, tiredly ~ Suggest: to the porch. Also, porch is redundant in the sentence.

Overall, a good theme of the heart coming home. Keep writing!

Regards,
Kim
357
357
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
Hello NOVEL-IDEAS
I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" . Thanks for entering!
 A long and dusty road  (13+)
SHORT SHOTS ENTRY A man tells a story about why he's walking down a dusty road.
#1347624 by NOVEL-IDEAS


I found your point of view interesting in this story.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*Why is Lawyer and Buck capitalized?
*Bullet*"A year mad I must've been an idiot to not have seen it." ~ Suggest: A year? I was an idiot to not have seen it.
*Bullet*What happened in Vegas?!?
*Bullet*"and by time it got morning I was lost" ~ Suggest: by the time morning came, I was lost.
*Bullet*"flat tire in the middle of no where" ~ Should be: nowhere
*Bullet*You remember me right the stupidest guy on the face of the earth. ~ Sentence should end in a question mark.

Overall, good work on the POV, after some polishing, could be a good story.

Regards,
Kim
358
358
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello Iva Lilly Durham
I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" . Thanks for entering!
 
STATIC
Once Upon a Chance  (13+)
He was a stranger in town. Could he be trusted?
#1342734 by Iva Lilly Durham


I love a good creepy story. I liked the ending.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet* If the dog was bloody, how did Jake stay clean?
*Bullet*"He touched his forehead as if removing a hat and then began walking towards the center of town" ~ In the picture prompt, he has a hat on. Later in your story, you put a hat in his hands.
*Bullet*"Actually, the Sheriff told me. He's an old friend ` You need to close the dialog in this paragraph.
*Bullet* Maybe he's interested in you himself ` Was this said aloud?

Overall, an enjoyable, well-written story.

Regards,
Kim
359
359
Review of Old Dirt Road  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello JacklynSanders
I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" . Thanks for entering!
 Old Dirt Road  (E)
A soilder's return home.
#1345677 by JacklynSanders


A touching short.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*You could have made better use of the remaining word count to build your story.
*Bullet*A technical detail....at first you say he's gone months, then a year.
*Bullet*"his hair still glistened like corn silk in the sunlight" ~ a pretty phrase, but the man in the prompt has a hat on.
*Bullet*"brought him home to him again." ~ "him home again" or "him home to her again"

Overall, a good story with some editing.

Regards,
Kim
360
360
Review of Gargolinks  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello IGWOOTEN
I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" . Thanks for entering!
 Gargolinks  (18+)
Aliens conquer Earth not with a bang but a whimper.
#1344917 by IGWOOTEN


I enjoyed your twist on the prompt and turning it to an alien story. I feel your dialog was good and really held up the story. Excellent ending!

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*"and Doctors from around the world" ~ No capital needed.
*Bullet*"storms nowadays were fast and violent, another gift perpetuated by the Gargolinks to prevent any large-scale farming." ~ I didn't understand what one had to do with the other. Storms stop farming?

Overall, an imaginative story.

Regards,
Kim
361
361
Review of Arrival  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello hbar
I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" . Thanks for entering!
 Arrival  (13+)
Absence makes the heart grow fonder?
#1343451 by hbar


The best part of your story is the dialog. I feel it comes across very genuine and true. I hope you continue this on, it's worth the effort.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*smoke from the horse ranch ~ The ranch is on fire?
*Bullet*"He looked at the home, not moving, inner conflict turning his feet to stone. Everything he possessed but his woodworking tools was with him. The work boots on his feet, sweat stained hat on his brow, worn jeans and a patched work shirt. He wore his only jacket. He carried a change of clothes and a dress shirt in his case. ~ A lot of this description could have been worked in the story instead of being listed.

Overall, excellent work.

Regards,
Kim
362
362
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hello Helen McNicol
I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" . Thanks for entering!
 The True Story of Jack and Gill  (ASR)
Heaven help Gillian, Jackson is back!
#1343609 by Helen McNicol


A great homecoming story. I like how you made the title work for you.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*I'm not sure they had to sleep together to make it work but that's strictly my opinion.

Overall, good plot, nice dialog and a pretty story. Well done.

Regards,
Kim
363
363
Review of The Untold Story  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello mwonder
I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" . Thanks for entering!
 The Untold Story  (13+)
Farm family lfe disturbed by events unpredictable, which had ...
#1343215 by mwonder


I loved the cold snowy image you showed me.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*tipped his hat and set it on the counter
*Bullet*just like the prairie wind, which was churning snow flurries
*Bullet*Edward was fourteen years old
*Bullet*Edward kept an eye on George, something to keep a watch. ~Edward felt he should keep watch on George. Conversely, George felt he could order Edward around.
*Bullet*he saw the barn door half a jar ~ ajar
*Bullet*Review your comma usage throughout the story. Many are unnecessary.

Overall, a good tale. It only needs a little grammar work.

Regards,
Kim
364
364
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hello Joshiahis
I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" . Thanks for entering!
 Professional Courtesy  (13+)
A stroll down a lonely road...
#1342364 by Joshiahis


Good story, I do love a twist in the plot. You did a good job with your descriptive work on Lee. I could see him well. Not your typical mobster so I didn't guess the ending. Good work on the dialog.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*"mahogany horn-rimmed glasses up along his hooknose" ~ occasionally I felt too much description was pushed into a sentence. I know it's tempting because you're limited with word count but don't let it become a habit.

Overall, a great short. Keep writing!

Regards,
Kim
365
365
Review of Shannon's Gift  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello dannoden

Rarely do I ever give out 5 stars in ratings. I always feel there is room for improvement in our work but this anecdotal piece is magnificent. Fantastic work weaving your tale without extraneous clutter. I truly feel this is publishable and I sincerely hope you send it out.

No suggestions for edit *Cut*:

Overall, stunning work and a remarkable story.

Regards,
Kim
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366
366
Review of Rainy Day Man  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello MoonKing
This is a very thoughtful and eloquent essay. It makes a reader think about what kind of person they are and what they might wish to be.

You segued well into the Good Samaritan parable and ended with a question for your reader to ponder. Very well done.

No suggestions for edit *Cut*:

Overall, excellent work. You might consider sending it out for publication.

Regards,
Kim
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367
367
Review of daisy dance  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello nj conlon
Welcome to Writing.com!
I like flowers and gardening so your title prompted me to open your item.
What a charming poem! I could imagine the little carefree daisy dancing on the hill.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*Line 4 and others ~ "i" should be "I"
*Bullet*Line 4 ~ "should of" should be "should have"
*Bullet*Line 7 ~ Minor, you have a comma out of place.
*Bullet*Line 11 ~ "larry" - "Larry"
*Bullet*Line 14 ~ "ill" - "I'll"
*Bullet*Line 18 ~ I think you can shorten this to "they can't believe they see a daisy dance", we know they see with their eyes. *Smile*

Overall, a cute dancing daisy.

Regards,
Kim
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368
368
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello DocP

Welcome to Writing.com!

I enjoyed reading your thought provoking anecdote. How true that we step over what we consider worthless when in reality could be a gem.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*Paragraph 1: "shinning" should be "shining"
*Bullet*Paragraph 3: (on a dime?) *Left**Laugh*
*Bullet*Paragraph 5: 100 = one hundred

Overall, a precious lesson to share, thank you.
P.S. What ever happened to the bottle?

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

Regards,
Kim
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369
369
Review of Of Mice and Men  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello benjamin

Oh this was so funny! Even to one of the fairer sex who has shouted the same demand - well, a bit differently. *Laugh* "You be the man and take care of it!" Okay, so that didn't go over so well. Anyway, I enjoyed your anecdote and giggled my way through the whole story.

No suggestions for edit *Cut*:

Overall, very amusing and enjoyable. Keep writing!

Regards,
Kim
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370
Review of Cracked Places  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Harry Matthews

What a beautiful poem! Breathtaking thoughts - narration. Sad of course, because it deals with death but the emotions are reverant and honorable. I really enjoyed this. Keep writing.

No suggestions for edit *Cut*:

Overall, a thought-provoking image.

Regards,
Kim
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371
371
Review of A Silk Wish  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Ryguy

I have to say this is stunning. It has a very unique rolling style that at times seemed rambly but also the narrative's style. It seemed very anecdotal as if I heard it at a dinner party. Like old friends catching up.

No suggestions for edit *Cut*:

*Heart*Some of your strong points are great descriptives (a bloated Moses) and fabulous phrases (Our red clay candle bowed and arched against a nonexistent wind.), great work!


Overall, a pleasant surprise to read. Write on.

Regards,
Kim
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372
372
Review of The Pump  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello ceecee

Good work creating just this image of a pump. My aunt had an outdoor pump when I was a child and I know just what you're showing. How many times we would lift that heavy handle and hang from it to pull it down!

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*Line 9: "since" should be "sense"
*Bullet*Just an opinion, strong hand should stay on the same line.

Overall, good work and thank you for the fun memories.

Regards,
Kim
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373
373
Review of Waiting  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello Lewis Archer

Welcome to Writing.com!

I like the feel of this poem. It has the serenity of a haiku.
My favorites are always about nature and the best ones capture the peacefulness of nature.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*Line 2: "an end"
*Bullet*Line 4: I think you could take out "the chance to". Just an opinion.

Overall, a lovely poem. I like your work. Keep writing and posting!

Regards,
Kim
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374
Review of The Nerd  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello PirateDuck

Welcome to Writing.com! I like your username. *Smile*

I read your item and think it's a great start. The main problem I saw was the fact that you still didn't explain why the nerd was getting beat up at the start. You flash back but don't take it to where/why the nerd gets abused. Perhaps you could show more of the nerd's day, and filter in the description of the nerd, to involve your reader more.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*"incoherant screams" ~ A single word is hard put to be incoherent. Suggest gleeful or exultant.
*Bullet*Dialog ~ There should be a line break when you change speakers.
*Bullet*i'll ~ Always capitalize forms of "I".
*Bullet*striaght ~ straight

Overall, a great start! Keep writing!

Regards,
Kim
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375
Review of Motherhood  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello inform1
Welcome to Writing.com! I loved this piece. Very funny and reminded me of my early mommy days. *Laugh*

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*Line breaks between paragraphs.
*Bullet*The second to last line in the song - whtasa/whatsa.
*Bullet*Perhaps put an {indent} in front of each line of the song to set it off?
*Bullet*"in my none motherhood days" ~ non-motherhood

Overall, amusing anecdote. Keep us updated and hang in there. *Laugh*

Regards,
Kim
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