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1,502 Public Reviews Given
1,747 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I like to be honest and write about how I feel and what I see. It doesn't mean I'm always right - it means I'm telling you how your work affects me. I'll try to tell you the good with the bad, but don't expect fluff. Fluff sucks.
I'm good at...
Looking at format, spelling and some punctuation...except commas. I hate commas.
Least Favorite Genres
Technical essays, overly detailed fantasies and poetry.
I will not review...
Items that show no obvious effort at editing before promoting for review. If you spell "i" instead of "I", I will close the page and not review it. We're not idiots here.
Public Reviews
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Review of Difficult People  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Hello tomorrow
I liked this prose, the format you chose helped with the rhythm of the read.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*Check your work, there should be spaces after commas.
*Bullet*"inconciderate" ~ "inconsiderate"
*Bullet*"They go on and on and on about this, and that thing or another"

Overall, I liked how the projection of difficult people came back around to the narrator at the end. Well done.

Regards,
Kim

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Review of The Haunt  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Topazknight
Welcome to Writing.com!
This was creepy! You did a good job with your imagery. I could feel the dust and hairy creepers. I especially liked your squeaks and shrieks of the steps.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*Line 7 seems overlong, probably can be reworded.
*Bullet*I loved the "large, hairy legs creep o'er arm and hand" *Shock*

Overall, great scare factor. *Smile*

Regards,
Kim

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Review of My Wife My Life  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello ran
Wow! Welcome to Writing.com! I'm so glad I clicked on your work.
This is so strong, and I loved the twist at the end, showing what the narrator was truly married to. Excellent job!

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*"til you" ~ "until" or "'til"
*Bullet*"workdays" ~ if you meant "workday is done", you'll need an apostrophe
*Bullet*The fifth line could be dropped to the second stanza and still work.

Overall, stunning work. Write on!

Regards,
Kim

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Review of Time For Work  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello pml_91

I like this, great descriptive work. You showed how a lot of people feel in the morning on their way to work, the coffee shop being the morning salvation.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*thirty minutes from his place of work,( at walking pace) ~ How about "a thirty minute's walk from his place of work"?
*Bullet*Paragraph 6: what is the purpose of bringing the woman in? To show he's slowly waking and noticing his surroundings?
*Bullet*Paragraph 7: This goes with P6, if he heard her speaking at the stand, he had already arrived. You could take out the first sentence.
*Bullet*"great sigh of desperation bore from the pit of his stomach" ~ why was he feeling desperate?

Overall, an interesting peek into your man's morning. *Smile*

Regards,
Kim

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Review of Ice Angel  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello Amethyst Rose
Nice song! This would definitely cheer me up.
I'm not really sure what the rhythm would be for this as a song, but it stands up nicely as a poem.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*Line 8 seems really long, not sure how that would fit into a metered song.
*Bullet*My favorite *Heart* part was the refrain. Well done!
*Bullet*Perhaps add a line after this one: My fallen angel of sorrow,

Overall, a pretty cool song.

Regards,
Kim

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Review of Seasons of Life  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello Shoney
I really liked this poem. It brought to mind pretty night images.
Adding a lesson to learn inside the poem was quite witty
.
Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*night's great beasts unroll. ~ A personal comment, I didn't understand this line. I couldn't imagine what was unrolling.

Overall, good rhythm and imagery. Write on!

Regards,
Kim

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Review of Outside  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello undertow
I liked this poem. It felt like you were narrating from the inside. Well done.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*Line 1: "horizan" ~ "horizon"
*Bullet*Line 6: "can not" ~ "cannot" seems more comfortable.
*Bullet*Last line: capitalize like the rest.

Overall, I liked the images you produced in your poetry. Write on!

Regards,
Kim

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Review of Never too late  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello gotta_hope
Welcome to Writing.com *Smile*
I realize this is a partial of a story but it seems like you're definitely on the right track. I enjoyed reading this. *Delight*

Comments and suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet* ‘why do I suffer 50 weeks ~ Thoughts don't get quotation marks.
*Bullet*pubescent pile of spot cream ~ Funny! *Laugh*
*Bullet*There should be line breaks when you change speakers in dialog.
         Also line breaks between paragraphs make it easier to read.
*Bullet*"actually 50 minutes now I had finished" ~ "now that" or "since"?
*Bullet*"Mr Davids,” Mr Hill" ~ Period after Mr.

Overall, I liked the extract and look forward to reading the entire story.
Well done!

Regards,
Kim

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Review of J of N  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello Shoney
Great poem! It raises some interesting and provocative questions.
I think it will cause your readers to at least stop and think about the subject.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*Line 14: Might want to rewrite. It's redundant of Line 13 but hang on to the gentle theme.
*Bullet*Line 21 and 23: Redundant on the word "really".

Overall, good work!

Regards,
Kim

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Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Paradox

Welcome to Writing.com!
What a beautiful, fanciful poem. It made me want to go out and dance too! It brought to my mind images of silver tinkling bells and fairies dancing in the moonlight.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*Line 9: "Lightfoot yet dance for me
*Bullet*Line 12: I'm not sure "O'" should be a capital.

Overall, a delightful write.

Regards,
Kim

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Review of Concrete Madness  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Hello!

Welcome to Writing.com! I hope you're enjoying our community.
Cool haiku!

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*For better presentation, some space above and below the poem.
*Bullet*Perhaps center your haiku on the page using the {center} tag.
*Bullet*Third line, "and the" perhaps instead of those use: "fearful elders pray" ~ merely my opinion.

Overall, you created a great image. I remember those dog days of summer. LOL Write on!

Regards,
Kim

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Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Schreiben-Gal
Welcome to Writing.com!
I chose to read your prose because I love hummingbirds too. How many legion love those tireless streaks of colored wonder buzzing through their gardens?
Your work was very informative but still showed your love of the bird.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*Peace he found there in Ecuador writing about you ~ I think reversal of the line would flow better. "He found peace there in Ecuador, writing about you
*Bullet*Only the best photograph can ~ "photographer"?

Overall, a great subject for prose. *Bigsmile* Write On!

Regards,
Kim

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Review of Running Time  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hello James Merchant
Welcome to Writing.com!
You have some great scenes here. Very emotional.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*11.
He leans forward.

Sort yourself out.
A bit confusing, who leans forward?

*Bullet*17. The father picks up the ten year old? More likely, he'd just drag him out.

Overall, a great short. You could expand more on the screenplay, flashing back to the mother leaving, and perhaps showing David as an adult, a now famous director. Write on!

Regards,
Kim

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Review of Dead Leaves  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello KevG
Great flash! You've got the knack for making a scene with few words.
Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*The classroom was colder than usual. A thick, dark cloud of foreboding lingered in the air. ~~~ Break down into one shorter sentence.
*Bullet*Some sort of unlikely accident had blasted... ~~~ Tighten this, don't be passive! Say what kind of accident happened.
*Bullet*As reality and the sub-conscious freely intertwined, I screamed out in desperation as loud as I could in the classroom: but before I could force out the words Dad had lost his grip and Clayton was sucked from the plane. ~~~ Tighten this too, make the point of her screaming, then pop to the image of Clayton sucked from the plane.
*Bullet*Clayton was gone. Like a dead leaf in the breeze. ~~~ Suggest: Like a dead leaf in the breeze, Clayton was gone. Has more finality.

Overall, I enjoyed your entry. Good luck!

Regards,
Kim

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Review of David  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello Peter Curtis
This is a good depiction of an experience in a concentration camp.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*"They were going to Awsatiz." ~ The internet is at your fingertips, do a little research. "Auschwitz"
*Bullet*Format: It helps to have line breaks between paragraphs and whenever you change speakers.
*Bullet*Content: Add more feeling to your story instead of recounting all David's steps, how did he feel? For example, when the men receive the stew...they could gag, then force it down.
*Bullet*Characters: Give your characters description. What did they look like?

Overall, a good job wrapping up the ending. I liked how David didn't scream and cry.

Regards,
Kim

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Review of Tommy's Rainbow  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello kiyasama
I really liked your story!
Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*The first large paragraph when Tommy wakes is a little rambly and would lose the interest of a child. Get to the point of the report card and describe Tommy's fear.
*Bullet*"They only show up in the early months, take all the gold and run away. They should be gone by now.” ~ Was Tommy at the end of a rainbow? It's a bit confusing, the suit, the mention of leprechauns, but no real rainbow.
*Bullet*Would a child understand the fairies singing in "one voice"? Or, altogether, sounding like one voice...?
*Bullet*Now, Tommy promises to be a good boy, but all kids promise to be good. Perhaps the Man, knowing he might still be naughty on occasion, decides to help him...see? I would think a child would nod, understanding how hard it is to be good.
*Bullet*"and the faint but hearty laughter of the jolly old Man" ~ I think "faint, hearty laughter" would be less confusing.

Overall, a sweet story with a nice moral. Well done!

Regards,
Kim

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Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello desolate_fiend
A beautiful write. I felt so heavy and sad after reading. You described your loss and unwillingness so well. I thought at first I would not like your phrases in paretheses, but after reading, they worked well for you as asides. I have no suggestions for edit, it works well as is. My favorite phrase: "I shall only allocate it to be completed by a lone hand", so many can relate! Kudos.
Regards,
Kim
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Review of Rendezvous  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hello Mad_Hugger

Great story, relevant for today's times when many people don't take the time to develop relationships outside thier jobs. Per your request, some comments about the story.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*He was literally burying himself into his work. ~ Obvious statement, is it needed? You've spent three paragraphs stating his obsession. It would be better to get on with a few sentences and then describe his issues as the story went along. This happens often in your story, where you TELL your reader, instead of SHOW them. You also need to return to this theme near the end of the story. How he needed this part of his life away from work.
*Bullet*The caps...You're using caps in your story for emphasis and you don't need them. Your wording will do that for you.
*Bullet*Insert the paragraph of Anna knocking on Bill's car window in the timeline where it occurs. I got thrown off in the next paragraph when Anna is farther back in time and dressing.
*Bullet*off “the situation.” ~ off "the situation".
*Bullet*Mentally, Anna screamed “oh, no you don’t!” ~ Two sentences.
*Bullet*“But what if she doesn’t love me enough?” ~ No quotes, it's not aloud. When conscience is speaking you don't need quotes, italics is sometimes used.
*Bullet*The first O without penetration, hmm, are we rushing things?
*Bullet*guiding him where she wanted him to be ~ Where's that? Don't chicken out now.
*Bullet* And found that that passion continues to grow. ~ And the passion continues to grow.

I liked *Heart*:
"Bill’s company consisted mainly of reggae tracks from Shaggy" *Laugh*
I liked the innner dialog, it will get better as you tighten the story.

Overall, needs a bit of revision, but you have an excellent base to work from.

Regards,
Kim


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Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello melliebrod

What a cute poem! We all remember how afraid we were of the dark.
I liked your point of view and how you showed what the shadows really were.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*and giving me aand scare.
*Bullet*why they creep
*Bullet*just go away but, ~ Move to next line.
*Bullet*badly that
*Bullet*for to my parents
*Bullet*relief I feel that

Overall, a sweet bedtime poem to remind a child of what those "monsters" are.
Well done!

Regards,
Kim

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Review of A Love Poem  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Bluestone
What a lovely poem, I could feel the heartache in it. I like how this was crafted, is it a particular form?
*Cut*The only edit suggestion is for the line: "Let meadows be your freedom, touched with dew," ~ the freedom is touched with dew?
Overall, an enjoyable write.
Regards,
Kim
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Review of On a Falling Star  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello Bluestone
Bravo! An excellent poem.
In so few lines, a wonderful statement about mortality. It sure makes a person think about it. I really enjoyed this. No suggestion for edit. I hope to see more such poetry in your port. Well done!
Regards,
Kim
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Review of Silent Sickness  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Bluestone
Definitely abstract. *Smile* I did enjoy the man being an onion stem. *Laugh*
The only suggestion I'd have for edit would be spaces on either side of the slash.
A great winner in the contest. Well done!
Regards,
Kim
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Review of Awakening  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello M Hague Bailey
Excellent story! You wove this very well. I had misgivings when first starting to read the story but you pulled your reader in and gave your characters good emotion. Your back history paragraph was perfect, just the right amount. The only question left open was as to what Samael's aspirations were. Crusade against God for what?
Suggestions for edit *Cut*
*Bullet*bodies that where wearing armor ~ "were"
*Bullet*smell the sin in this one ~ One what...being?
*Bullet*causes me stomach to turn ~ "my"
Overall, an enjoyable story. I'd love to see more stories of Olivier's life.
Regards,
Kim
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Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello rusticraven
I can tell you put your heart into this poem.
I like the ending, "this too shall pass", it always will.
Suggestions for edit *Cut*
*Bullet*Always capitalize "I". Always.
*Bullet*Spelling "ligth" ~ "light"

Overall, I liked reading this.
Welcome to Writing.com. I hope you're finding your way around the site and all its features.
Regards,
Kim
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Review of Surprising Love  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello hazeleyedhunnee
What a sweet tribute to the one you love!
Some suggestions for edit *Cut*
*Bullet*"hipnotized" ~ "hypnotized
*Bullet*"i want to love" ~ Always capitalize "I".
*Bullet*Brief description: "Please DO NOT COPY" ~ You are protected by your copyright, see "Copyright Policy" at the bottom of the page.
Overall, you did a nice job of describing your feelings.
Regards,
Kim
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