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1,548 Public Reviews Given
1,793 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I like to be honest and write about how I feel and what I see. It doesn't mean I'm always right - it means I'm telling you how your work affects me. I'll try to tell you the good with the bad, but don't expect fluff. Fluff sucks.
I'm good at...
Looking at format, spelling and some punctuation...except commas. I hate commas.
Least Favorite Genres
Technical essays, overly detailed fantasies and poetry.
I will not review...
Items that show no obvious effort at editing before promoting for review. If you spell "i" instead of "I", I will close the page and not review it. We're not idiots here.
Public Reviews
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551
Review of The Watercourse  Open in new Window.
Review by Legerdemain Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hey Bill,
Very cool horror.
Suggestions n comments:
*Bullet*Her expression was one of complete agony
*Idea*You're describing the man's head, so wouldn't it be "his expression"?
*Bullet*Her face was bright red on one side and nearly matching the rose print on the old dress she wore to church every Sunday.
*Idea*Tense change? "Matched" perhaps.
*Smile*I like that phrase "mind-widowed".
*Bullet*Her sobbing turned to wailing as the hurt surpassed her.
*Idea*"the hurt surpassed her" Surpassed her what? Tolerance? Defenses?
*Smile*Awesome transition! "A terrifying dark head broke the surface just inches from Zak’s face. Its skin glistened smooth and tight as long black snakes hung from its mouth and wrapped around its head; flashing red and blue lights reflected off its goggles."
The horror rocks! Write on!
Regards,
Kim

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Review by Legerdemain Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hello Xavier,

This is a wonderful first chapter. I don't see a lot of grammatical errors so I'll comment on content.*Smile*

First of all, let's get this piece formatted a bit better for reading. This helps encourage readers to get in and review you. You need indented paragraphs, which you'll use a ML tag to do. {indent} You can learn more about ML tags in your drop down tools, "Author Tools"..."WritingML Help".

Also, a line break between paragraphs is helpful.

Lastly, change paragraphs when you change speakers, very helpful in letting your reader know when there's a change.

Now, content...*Cut* I'm not sure why you dwelled in line outside the factory. To show the madness starting in Marty? Perhaps that will be tied up in later chapters.

Next, where'd the kitten come from? You need to bring the poor creature into the story before you kill it off.

Overall, a great plot, a great start...keep writing!

Regards,
Kim

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553
Review of Belief  Open in new Window.
Review by Legerdemain Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello MB,
A very good poem. I liked the theme.

Suggestions for edit *Cut*:

*Bullet*without in belief in one God
*Idea*Remove first "in".

*Bullet*understand what you’re about.
*Idea*Exchange "understand" for "know" to help keep the rhythm.

*Bullet*you need only call through.
*Idea*I like what you're saying but this line is also off rhythm. Suggesting reword.

As always, merely suggestions. Overall, an enjoyable poem with a good lesson.
Also, welcome to Writing.com! *Smile* I hope you find our community helpful and caring.

Regards,
Kim

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554
Review by Legerdemain Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello,
A very sorrowful write. I liked your Point of View, looking in the mirror at yourself, it was very interesting.

Suggested items for edit *Cut*:

*Bullet*considered his lives greatest earned possession
*Idea*I think "life's greatest earned..." would sound better.

*Bullet*"the garden of love, he had sown with his blood"
*Idea*remove the comma

*Idea*The last suggestion I have is to add another line between your paragraphs. Also, use an ML Tag {indent} to indent your paragraphs. You can learn more about ML tags in the "AuthorTools" drop down list under "WritingMLHelp"

Welcome to Writing.com. I hope you're finding your way around and have visited the Newbie forums. You'll find this a wonderful community.

Regards,
Kim

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Review of Enviable Descent  Open in new Window.
Review by Legerdemain Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Alec,
An interesting imagery.

Suggestion for edit *Cut*:

*Cut* Work on your format. Some of the words lose significance because of format.

*Bullet*We dance in the swirling vails of vast
*Idea*"veils"

My favorite sentence: "Matisse's hand, Icarus's pursuit; beauty, calenture." It brought many images to mind.

Also, welcome to Writing.com. I hope you to find it to be an interesting and empowering community.

Regards,
Kim

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556
Review of Equinox  Open in new Window.
Review by Legerdemain Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Takumi,
This is wonderful prose.

The only suggestion I have for edit is to remove the "and" at the beginning of the lines. It will still make your point and not feel so redundant.

Overall, well done.

Also, Welcome to Writing.com! I hope you enjoy this community as much as I do.

Regards,
Kim

** Image ID #925656 Unavailable **
Logo for Writing.Com Moderators - small.
557
557
Review of Destination Home  Open in new Window.
Review by Legerdemain Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello,
What a lovely telling of a family story. How lucky you are to be able to participate in your heritage.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:

*Bullet*"woke my taste buds, but I unable to stay long, I turned"
*Idea*"but unable to stay"

*Bullet*I took a deep breathe, only a few miles left.
*Idea*"breath"

I really enjoyed your description of the ceremony, I felt as though I was there.

*Blush*"the annual Testicle Festival for this Saturday night." *laughing*

Overall, this was a very enjoyable peek into the activities at the Flathead Indian Reservation.
Thanks for posting!
Regards,
Kim
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558
Review by Legerdemain Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello,
How very generous of you to share your experiences. It's a wonderful testament to the power of prayer and to the persistance of belief in your marriage vows. Even more interesting is the concept of three answers. How many times have we all heard "wait" and thought that wasn't an answer! A well written, emotional piece.
Regards,
Kim
559
559
Review of Stonehenge  Open in new Window.
Review by Legerdemain Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello adagio,
*smiling* Had you been allowed, perhaps backed against a stone breaking the wind would have been finer. If I ever reach there, I'll remember to bundle. *Smile*
One suggestion for edit:
*Bullet*Have their visitots become so fey
*Idea*"visitors"
Overall, a good description of your impressions.
Regards,
Kim

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560
Review of Friendship  Open in new Window.
Review by Legerdemain Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello,
What an excellent poem! I could feel the love. I think any mother would love to have their son or daughter write such a piece.
The only suggestion I have is in the second line: you don't need to capitalize "You".
Overall, well done.
Also, welcome to Writing.com. We hope you find it to be a happy and helpful community.
Regards,
Kim


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Review of Uncle Lion  Open in new Window.
Review by Legerdemain Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hello Bob,

Your story had me smiling, especially when Alan tried to eat the dandelion. *Smile*

Some specific edit suggestions:

*Bullet*He began t notice a faint tingling sensation
*Idea*t = "to"

*Bullet*So Lionel Mercer is finally answering the call the wild armchair.
*Idea*Missing an "of"?

*Bullet*Oh, therej would be a dozen of ‘um—
*Idea*therej = "there"

*Bullet*He took in the scene thoughtlessly, with deep breaths of fresh air
*Idea*thoughtlessly or "thoughtfully"?

Overall, an exceptional write with an interesting point of view. I enjoy your sense of humor and ability to convey feeling. Alan was a very sweet little boy character. Happy New Year and thanks for posting.
Regards,
Kim

*904625*
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562
Review of The Raven  Open in new Window.
Review by Legerdemain Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello,
This brings an awesome image to mind: the raven flying away with your soul. I found no errors as I read and I think you did a great job crafting your image and the lost feelings. I hope it was returned to you intact. Well done!
Regards,
Kim

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Review of Rachel  Open in new Window.
Review by Legerdemain Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello,
*Smile* What a very interesting analogy and a good read. One nearly forgets as they read that you are speaking about her soul. Your descriptives are quite detailed and clear.

*Idea*A few suggestions:

*Bullet*This soulf of hers sometimes falls out
*Idea*"soul"

*Bullet*One side with knowledge, omniscient even
*Idea*To keep in theme with the next sentence, remove "with".

*Idea*To indent your paragraphs try using the ML tag {indent}. WritingMLHelp is shown under the "Author Tools" drop down list

Overall, well done! Not many 12 year olds know how to spell omniscient, let alone use it in their writing.
Write on!
Regards,
Kim

** Image ID #904625 Unavailable **
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564
Review by Legerdemain Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello,
First off, Welcome to Writing.com! I hope you find it to be the wonderful community that I do.
Next, the review: *Reading*
You did an excellent job describing your feelings of depression.
*Cut*Suggested editing:

*Bullet*And when the feeling besets you
*Idea*Remove "And" and just start with "When"

*Bullet*To break closer to the top
But the closer you get
*Idea*A repeated word. Perhaps change "closer" in the second line to "nearer".

*Bullet*You lift your hand off you head
*Idea*Did you mean: "You lift your hand off your head." OR "You lift the hand off your head."?

Overall, an interesting write.
Regards,
Kim

** Image ID #904625 Unavailable **
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Review by Legerdemain Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hello,
Your story was definitely award-worthy. I found no errors as I read except a stray ML tag after this sentence: My last sight of them as they seemed to sink beneath the waves of grass was a war bonnet of dancing eagle feathers. You're missing the end bracket. A thoroughly enjoyable story with a great emotional read. Well done.
Regards,
Kim

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Review of The Orange  Open in new Window.
Review by Legerdemain Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello,
This story was perfectly disturbed. Your character's focus on the orange was instrumental. Your descriptives wound very carefully around your reader and led them to your insanity. For some reason, I really enjoyed this. I found no errors as I read and I like how you flicked descriptions of outside characters like the brown-haired man in the blue shirt into the story. Meaningless, but interesting.
Overall, your snapshot of mental illness was quite solid.
Regards,
Kim

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567
Review of You Don't Know  Open in new Window.
Review by Legerdemain Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hi Gina,
This is a wonderful piece. It almost feels like a crush...but with adult thoughts behind it. *Kiss*

I have no suggestions for change.

My favorite line:
*Star*I melt, then stumble back to reality.
*Smile*Haven't we all been there?

Overall, a sweet piece. I hope he notices you. *Smile*
Regards,
Kim

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568
Review of Life in Iraq II  Open in new Window.
Review by Legerdemain Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello again,
I find it amazing, this is yet another account of someone in Iraq speaking of this. To me, it's unimaginable how soldiers become inured to the incessant lobbing of explosives, as if it were thunder in the distance. Is it the ability to tamp down fear that well? A soldier's training must carry him far. It's something I just can't grasp. I agree with your last two sentences. All that matters is that you're all ok. Stay safe.
Regards,
Kim

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Review by Legerdemain Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello,
I really enjoyed your account of something quite mundane like laundry. It helps a person appreciate the conveniences we have here at home. I'm looking forward to reading more of your updates. I think the press is missing out on a good story here. *laughing* Thanks for posting.
Regards,
Kim

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570
Review of No Longer A woman  Open in new Window.
Review by Legerdemain Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
Hello,
A good piece about a trying time in your life.
A few suggestions:

*Bullet*walk, stop running.
*Idea*"Walk"

*Bullet*heart heavy as led.
*Idea*"lead"

My favorite line: Empty shells
on a deserted beach.


Overall, you portrayed a wonderful feeling of hope, of renewal. Well done.

Regards,
Kim

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571
Review of The Paper Garden  Open in new Window.
Review by Legerdemain Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello,
I really adored this piece. The picture slowly erected and detailed, quite lovely.
My favorite line: "One dance would end his torment"
Although the "Enshrouded" line was the longest, it seemed to fit there quite well.
Overall, a sad picture well painted.
Thank you for sharing.
Regards,
Kim

** Image ID #904625 Unavailable **
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572
Review by Legerdemain Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello,
What an interesting perspective. I really enjoyed the images you created. It felt so calm and comfortable.
My favorite: "Captivating music puts me in a
self hypnotic trance"
Overall, you painted a lovely scene.

Regards,

** Image ID #904625 Unavailable **
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Review by Legerdemain Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello,
What a lovely piece of work! And how very true to your Irish image. You put your reader right into your image. Very well done!
My favorite line: The dark forboding day foretold the tempest
Overall, a well written work.
Also, I'd like to welcome you to Writing.com. I hope you find it the creative and supportive community that I do!
Regards,
Kim

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574
Review of Got Milk?  Open in new Window.
Review by Legerdemain Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello again,
I'm told is a zen experience to be up that early with your forehead to the side of a cow, creating that unique zzzth zzzth sound in a bucket. I grew up peripherally experiencing farm life. As you've said, when you're a kid, you'll do anything to be up on a horse.

I enjoyed your writing, I have minor suggestions:
*Bullet*a sodden, fly or people
*Idea*no comma
*Bullet*sixty pounds was made a year
*Idea*was - were

Sometimes it's very amusing to experience it through someone else's eyes. I thought you might enjoy a snippet from my journal "Jaunts and Journeys" The entry is here if you wish to read "His Name is Lucky" Open in new Window..
I thought you might enjoy the smile.
Regards,
Kim
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575
Review of First Time  Open in new Window.
Review by Legerdemain Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello,
This sounds like such an inspiring experience. To be surrounded by such natural beauty. Your descriptives worked well, I felt as if I were there. Wish I was. I admire your ability to fly fish. Not everyone can take a "bit of fur and feather" on a hook and get it to land where they wish. *laughing* Overall, I enjoyed your article. Write On.
Regards,
Kim

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