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Review Requests: OFF
1,502 Public Reviews Given
1,747 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I like to be honest and write about how I feel and what I see. It doesn't mean I'm always right - it means I'm telling you how your work affects me. I'll try to tell you the good with the bad, but don't expect fluff. Fluff sucks.
I'm good at...
Looking at format, spelling and some punctuation...except commas. I hate commas.
Least Favorite Genres
Technical essays, overly detailed fantasies and poetry.
I will not review...
Items that show no obvious effort at editing before promoting for review. If you spell "i" instead of "I", I will close the page and not review it. We're not idiots here.
Public Reviews
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501
501
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello Jacob Strong,
I found this to be a very entertaining comedic piece.
My only suggestion for edit would be to go over your work with a fine tooth comb. I see a few spelling errors and typos such as of-off.
Overall, a funny write that I can relate to. *Laugh*
Regards,
Kim
502
502
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Norm and Welcome to Writing.com!
You first poem posted in your port and I'm giggling my head off. I do thank you for the help in the beginning, being a Yank and all. *Laugh*
I have no suggestions for edit, unusual for me.
Overall I have to say I had a good laugh, thank you.
Write on!
Regards,
Kim

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503
Review of The Birdcage  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello lian,
A wonderful story with a fabulous ending! I certainly did not expect what happened when the girl left the cage. *Smile* Well done!

*Cut*Specific suggestions for edit:

*Bullet*Every evening the old man walked into the ballroom... *** And every evening the young woman became aware...
*Idea*These two paragraphs begin exactly the same. I would suggest a wording change.

*Bullet*And then there was the boy.
*Idea*This is flat and weak. Use the sentence to introduce the boy and place him in the story.

*Bullet*her red hair flowed down around her like bloody cataracts
*Idea*This seems ghoulish, perhaps "flowed around her like shimmering red silk".

*Bullet*She eyed him tiredly, just hoping he’d keep his distance because she wouldn’t be able to get away if he decided to try anything.
*Idea*This doesn't fit in the story. Is she tired or worried? "Just hoping" is passive. Try rewording the sentence.

*Bullet*rejuvenated and happy and covered in sticky fruit pulp,
*Idea*Was he eating the fruit too? You haven't showed that.

Overall, this was a great short story. I hope to read more such stories from you. *Delight*

As an aside, your introduction is E-rated by content. You have it set as Non-E which filters it from view by others. You can change this in the edit page of your piece if you wish.

Regards,
Kim

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504
504
Review of Eros  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello layladylay,

A sweet/sad poem. I do adore our character Eros.
A wonderful fellow to write about.

*Cut*Some suggestions for edit:

*Bullet*cherubin
*Idea* "cherubim"

*Bullet*No Winged babe
*Idea* "winged"

*Idea*Seventh and last two lines should start with a capital like all the others.

*Bullet*Or just pass you by,
*Idea* Remove passive "just".

*Idea* I don't feel the commas are necessary in the poem. But it's your creation. *Smile*

Overall, well done!
Regards,
Kim

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505
505
Review of Sometimes  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hello silverfish,
I loved this story. You showed your feelings quite well in the story.

*Cut*Suggestions for edit:

*Bullet*Here's you something to get a cold Coke with and get cooled off, ok?"
*Idea*"Here's something for you to get..."

*Bullet*Keep loving each other, coz that's all ya really got in the world.
*Idea*coz - "because or 'cause"

*Bullet*You hiprocrit."
*Idea* "hypocrite"

Overall, a well written (strange incident too, lol) short story. Write on!

Regards,
Kim

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506
506
Review of Danny  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello Fautor, *Smile*

YES YES YES you should continue*Exclaim*

You managed quite a feat in a first chapter! You defined your character, strode through an entire scene and set the stage for an fantastic story. You deserve the highest compliments, as your reader I could see everything quite clearly. The redhead, an wonderful twist in the thumping and desperate club tableau.

You piqued my curiousity. What relationship does Danny have with the club other than the patron? Will you bring the alley bum in and out of the story? Is Danny a DJ too or just a music maven? Tell me the redhead will be back! Ok ok, I've made my point.

*Cut*One suggestion for edit:

*Bullet*Even the DJ missed a rare beat when he caught her out of the corner. of his eye?

Overall, a excellent beginning. I look forward to reading future chapters.

As an aside, Welcome to Writing.com! I admire your witty choice of handle. I hope you find our community to be a great resource.

Regards,
Kim

Gold Fairy Sig, cattytaurus
507
507
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Finnley,
A well done rhyme. *Smile*
♫ It almost felt like song lyrics.
*Cut*The only suggestion for edit would be the second to last line: "you're" should be "your".
Overall, I thought this was well written.
Regards,
Kim

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508
508
Review of Treasure  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello,

*Star*A great write of angst. I'll say out front I'm not an expert of poetry, but your work does speak to its reader. I'm unsure of the form, unless it is set in stone, I'd rather see your couplets at the beginning set into short lines instead, to match your ending lines.

*Cut*Several spelling errors:
hiden - hidden
admist - amidst
griping - gripping

I liked the storm/belay analogy. Well done.
Overall, I enjoyed this poem. *Smile*

Regards,
Kim

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509
509
Review of FOOD  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Levi,
Welcome to Writing.com!
This was an amusing poem.
I was surprised at how many food words rhyme.
My only suggestions for edit would be to not capitalize all the food words inside your lines and to lengthen the second to last line, it seemed woefully short.
Overall, a funny write.
Regards,
Kim
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510
510
Review of Art is You & Me  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello John and welcome to Writing.com! *Smile*

I hope you find this community as warm and welcoming as I did when I joined. I like to think of this site as "home". I hope you will too!

I enjoyed your essay. At first I was very put off by your huge pile of adjectives, having clicked on your essay because of my interest in art, but found myself reading each adjective individually and being able to relate. {Agonistic? I paused on that one.)

My only suggestion would be to work on your format of how the essay is posted. Using spacing and indentation may help to break and sort your adjective conglomeration. You can find out more about ML tags used on this site in the drop down list in the upper left corner of the page under "Author Tools" and click "WritingML Help". You're welcome to email me if you need further help.

I also viewed your artwork, since you posted the link in your portfolio. (Warhol- Pope of Pop *laughing*) I found much of it fascinating. It appears you are blessed with prolific creativity and talent in many genres.

Regards,
Kim

A patriotic signature.
511
511
Review of Reaching  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello W.D.

*Smile*
A lovely bittersweet write.

Suggestions:

*Bullet* I saw in you eyes?
*Idea* "you" to "your"

*Bullet* that I was so totally blind
*Bullet* that I felt in your touch
*Bullet* That I still crave so much
*Idea* Suggest taking out passive "that".

*Idea*Last suggestion is to put "Goodbye" as a fourth line.

Overall, an enjoyable poem.
Regards,
Kim

*842525*


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
512
512
Review of The Promise  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello Jane,

         This is a very engaging story. How ironic for you to have escaped a walled-in place after a heart-wrenching personal revelation. It was very kind of you to share your story. My fervent hope is that you've made friends and still attend.
         I have no suggestions for edit. I truly enjoyed the read.

Regards,
Kim

Pink Tulip Signature
513
513
Review of Wild Card Review  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello,
" Wild Card Review" 
Sounds like a great contest! A good idea to have it reviewed before the contest opens April 25th.

Edit:
"the word 'Wild' in in somewhere," ~ "in it"

The way I understand it:
A)The first three posters in the forum are the three reviewers.
B)The portfolio reviewed by those three is the portfolio of a bot winner ~ or a port chosen by the bot winner. The bot will have the word "wild" in it?

Will there be more than one port raided? More than three reviewers chosen?

I have a lot in my port *Shock*, is there a limit of items reviewed?

Are you taking donations to help with the contest? *Smile*

Good luck with the contest, it looks like great fun!
Regards,
Kim

Pink Tulip Signature
514
514
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello,
A great statement of strength. It is good you accept that your mother will not approve and move on. Some people are never satisfied, so please yourself and keep yourself happy.
One suggestion for edit:
*Bullet*I am fify but still treated
*Idea*"fifty"
Overall, a great message.
Regards,
Kim

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515
515
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello,

You created some great images with a few of the phrases in this prose: "I hear sirens of anchored conformation" and "they include, exclude, conclude me now". *Smile* What I don't understand is your form, there is no likely rhythm or sense to the length of each line. It leaves your reader off balance. My suggestion for edit is reformat. As always, merely a suggestion.
Regards,
Kim

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516
516
Review of The Watercourse  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hey Bill,
Very cool horror.
Suggestions n comments:
*Bullet*Her expression was one of complete agony
*Idea*You're describing the man's head, so wouldn't it be "his expression"?
*Bullet*Her face was bright red on one side and nearly matching the rose print on the old dress she wore to church every Sunday.
*Idea*Tense change? "Matched" perhaps.
*Smile*I like that phrase "mind-widowed".
*Bullet*Her sobbing turned to wailing as the hurt surpassed her.
*Idea*"the hurt surpassed her" Surpassed her what? Tolerance? Defenses?
*Smile*Awesome transition! "A terrifying dark head broke the surface just inches from Zak’s face. Its skin glistened smooth and tight as long black snakes hung from its mouth and wrapped around its head; flashing red and blue lights reflected off its goggles."
The horror rocks! Write on!
Regards,
Kim

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517
517
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hello Xavier,

This is a wonderful first chapter. I don't see a lot of grammatical errors so I'll comment on content.*Smile*

First of all, let's get this piece formatted a bit better for reading. This helps encourage readers to get in and review you. You need indented paragraphs, which you'll use a ML tag to do. {indent} You can learn more about ML tags in your drop down tools, "Author Tools"..."WritingML Help".

Also, a line break between paragraphs is helpful.

Lastly, change paragraphs when you change speakers, very helpful in letting your reader know when there's a change.

Now, content...*Cut* I'm not sure why you dwelled in line outside the factory. To show the madness starting in Marty? Perhaps that will be tied up in later chapters.

Next, where'd the kitten come from? You need to bring the poor creature into the story before you kill it off.

Overall, a great plot, a great start...keep writing!

Regards,
Kim

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518
518
Review of Belief  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello MB,
A very good poem. I liked the theme.

Suggestions for edit *Cut*:

*Bullet*without in belief in one God
*Idea*Remove first "in".

*Bullet*understand what you’re about.
*Idea*Exchange "understand" for "know" to help keep the rhythm.

*Bullet*you need only call through.
*Idea*I like what you're saying but this line is also off rhythm. Suggesting reword.

As always, merely suggestions. Overall, an enjoyable poem with a good lesson.
Also, welcome to Writing.com! *Smile* I hope you find our community helpful and caring.

Regards,
Kim

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519
519
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello,
A very sorrowful write. I liked your Point of View, looking in the mirror at yourself, it was very interesting.

Suggested items for edit *Cut*:

*Bullet*considered his lives greatest earned possession
*Idea*I think "life's greatest earned..." would sound better.

*Bullet*"the garden of love, he had sown with his blood"
*Idea*remove the comma

*Idea*The last suggestion I have is to add another line between your paragraphs. Also, use an ML Tag {indent} to indent your paragraphs. You can learn more about ML tags in the "AuthorTools" drop down list under "WritingMLHelp"

Welcome to Writing.com. I hope you're finding your way around and have visited the Newbie forums. You'll find this a wonderful community.

Regards,
Kim

Leger has heart.
520
520
Review of Enviable Descent  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Alec,
An interesting imagery.

Suggestion for edit *Cut*:

*Cut* Work on your format. Some of the words lose significance because of format.

*Bullet*We dance in the swirling vails of vast
*Idea*"veils"

My favorite sentence: "Matisse's hand, Icarus's pursuit; beauty, calenture." It brought many images to mind.

Also, welcome to Writing.com. I hope you to find it to be an interesting and empowering community.

Regards,
Kim

Leger has heart.
521
521
Review of Equinox  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Takumi,
This is wonderful prose.

The only suggestion I have for edit is to remove the "and" at the beginning of the lines. It will still make your point and not feel so redundant.

Overall, well done.

Also, Welcome to Writing.com! I hope you enjoy this community as much as I do.

Regards,
Kim

** Image ID #925656 Unavailable **
Logo for Writing.Com Moderators - small.
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522
Review of Destination Home  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello,
What a lovely telling of a family story. How lucky you are to be able to participate in your heritage.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:

*Bullet*"woke my taste buds, but I unable to stay long, I turned"
*Idea*"but unable to stay"

*Bullet*I took a deep breathe, only a few miles left.
*Idea*"breath"

I really enjoyed your description of the ceremony, I felt as though I was there.

*Blush*"the annual Testicle Festival for this Saturday night." *laughing*

Overall, this was a very enjoyable peek into the activities at the Flathead Indian Reservation.
Thanks for posting!
Regards,
Kim
523
523
Review of Stonehenge  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello adagio,
*smiling* Had you been allowed, perhaps backed against a stone breaking the wind would have been finer. If I ever reach there, I'll remember to bundle. *Smile*
One suggestion for edit:
*Bullet*Have their visitots become so fey
*Idea*"visitors"
Overall, a good description of your impressions.
Regards,
Kim

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524
Review of Friendship  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello,
What an excellent poem! I could feel the love. I think any mother would love to have their son or daughter write such a piece.
The only suggestion I have is in the second line: you don't need to capitalize "You".
Overall, well done.
Also, welcome to Writing.com. We hope you find it to be a happy and helpful community.
Regards,
Kim


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Review of Uncle Lion  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hello Bob,

Your story had me smiling, especially when Alan tried to eat the dandelion. *Smile*

Some specific edit suggestions:

*Bullet*He began t notice a faint tingling sensation
*Idea*t = "to"

*Bullet*So Lionel Mercer is finally answering the call the wild armchair.
*Idea*Missing an "of"?

*Bullet*Oh, therej would be a dozen of ‘um—
*Idea*therej = "there"

*Bullet*He took in the scene thoughtlessly, with deep breaths of fresh air
*Idea*thoughtlessly or "thoughtfully"?

Overall, an exceptional write with an interesting point of view. I enjoy your sense of humor and ability to convey feeling. Alan was a very sweet little boy character. Happy New Year and thanks for posting.
Regards,
Kim

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