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Review Requests: OFF
1,502 Public Reviews Given
1,747 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I like to be honest and write about how I feel and what I see. It doesn't mean I'm always right - it means I'm telling you how your work affects me. I'll try to tell you the good with the bad, but don't expect fluff. Fluff sucks.
I'm good at...
Looking at format, spelling and some punctuation...except commas. I hate commas.
Least Favorite Genres
Technical essays, overly detailed fantasies and poetry.
I will not review...
Items that show no obvious effort at editing before promoting for review. If you spell "i" instead of "I", I will close the page and not review it. We're not idiots here.
Public Reviews
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Review of Adventure  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Katherine Young

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" . Thanks for entering!

I enjoyed reading your story, it had a great fiction concept. I could see this being part of a short story collection, of some of the places baby boy slips.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*"New York to the Ohio boarder" ~ border.
*Bullet*"slipped only a night and only when traffic" ~ at night.
*Bullet*"Josh tossed hid pack of smokes" ~ his.
*Bullet*"Twenty-four, forty-eight, ninety-six. Not the days and hours" ~ ninety six - not the days.


Overall, a great idea.

Regards,
Kim
Just do it!
277
277
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello THANKFUL SONALI Now What?

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" . Thanks for entering!

This story was so funny, I enjoyed reading this. His internal dialog is terribly amusing and self-deprecating. I smiled reading the whole thing. The intimate part was well done, without showing anything intimate. The woman still appeared to be a hallucination, three leaves and all.

No suggestions for edit *Cut*

Overall, a great comedy story.

Regards,
Kim
Just do it!
278
278
Review of No Way, José  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello Shannon

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" . Thanks for entering!

Your story was so amusing and ironic. I thought your point of view was a good choice and liked the characters you used. And the flashbacks to Rhonda were so funny. Great ending.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*BFE ~ What is that?
*Bullet*(Is that tilapia?) ~ Made me pause and took away from the upcoming action.

Overall, funny and well-written. Nice work.

Regards,
Kim
Just do it!
279
279
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Qilin

Thanks for entering "The Writer's Cramp" !

Comments:
I understand this is a short contest and take that into consideration, so please take these comments and suggestions as merely my opinion of what was posted.

What a fun story! A great combination of bloodthirsty vampirism and funny ducks. Perhaps there is a story worth publication after all. LOL All prompts were used, great work.

*Heart*“Sparkling in the bloody sunlight…I say, where do they come up with these things?”

Suggestion for edit: *Cut*:
*Bullet*“So then quack like a bloody told you, eh?" ~ A - should be "I".

Overall: A great entry.

Writer's Cramp!
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280
Review of The Proposition  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Custodis

Thanks for entering "The Writer's Cramp" !

Comments:
I understand this is a short contest and take that into consideration, so please take these comments and suggestions as merely my opinion of what was posted.

Ohhh, with an opening like that, I want to read more! There's nothing more exciting than a dark character with a proposition. LOL

No Suggestions *Cut*:

Overall: A great beginning and a great scene, I hope you write more. I'd be happy to read it. Maybe I'll find out what's in a Holy Mary...I'm a fan of margaritas, you know.

Writer's Cramp!
281
281
Review by Legerdemain
In affiliation with The Writer's Cramp Judges ...  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hello J. A. Buxton

Thanks for entering "The Writer's Cramp" !

Comments:
I understand this is a short contest and take that into consideration, so please take these comments and suggestions as merely my opinion of what was posted.

I enjoyed reading your prologue, it piqued my interest enough to want to read Home of the Red Fox, if it exists.

Suggestions: *Cut*:
*Bullet*I found it a little confusing, the writing being about a walker...and a character named Walker, if I interpreted that correctly.
*Bullet*helplessly being dependent ~ being helpless and dependent.


Overall: A fascinating snapshot.

Writer's Cramp!
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282
Review of The Visitor  
Review by Legerdemain
In affiliation with The Writer's Cramp Judges ...  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Have a sunshiny day!

Thanks for entering "The Writer's Cramp" !

Comments:
I understand this is a short contest and take that into consideration, so please take these comments and suggestions as merely my opinion of what was posted.

This definitely could be a true story. Pet therapy has been proven to be helpful in institutions. You left me wanting to read more of Emily's life-story.

Suggestions: *Cut*:
*Bullet*I expected Emily to struggle more with rolling onto her side.
*Bullet*The last paragraph seemed cold and factual. Perhaps Sandy's master could impart this information.

Overall: A good read.

Writer's Cramp!
283
283
Review of Entry  
Review by Legerdemain
In affiliation with The Writer's Cramp Judges ...  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello lucyrose

Thanks for entering "The Writer's Cramp" !

Comments:
I understand this is a short contest and take that into consideration, so please take these comments and suggestions as merely my opinion of what was posted.

A nice short, I bet Madge had a wonderful time at the Red Ball.

Suggestions: *Cut*:
*Bullet*"Daughter-in-Law" ~ Words like these should only be capitalized when you can replace the word(s) with a name.
*Bullet*"did they get to help them during any recovery time they had, but then they were there with them once they had recovered" ~ It would help tighten this paragraph if you told the reader who "they" are.
*Bullet*You were asked to bold the prompts in your story. You did not do this. If you need help with WritingML, just ask!

Overall: This could be a longer story. I would find it interesting to "listen" to Madge at the ball and enjoy reading about her "flapper" days.

Writer's Cramp!
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284
Review by Legerdemain
In affiliation with The Writer's Cramp Judges ...  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Bikerider

Thanks for entering "The Writer's Cramp" !

Comments:
I understand this is a short contest and take that into consideration, so please take these comments and suggestions as merely my opinion of what was posted.

This was a delightful snapshot of a happy moment in a nursing home. I liked how you used the child to change the emotion of the room, but didn't focus on him enough to be distracting.

Suggestions: *Cut*:
*Bullet*"Ralph saw Fred come in, waving his hand, he invited his old friend to join him." ~ Who is waving? Ralph saw his old friend come in and waved his hand to invite Fred to join him.
*Bullet*"Staff members, curiosity on their faces, slowly walked into the television room to see what the commotion was about." ~ Staff members slowly walked into the television room, curious to see what the commotion was.

Overall: I enjoyed this story.

Writer's Cramp!
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285
Review of My Nephew  
Review by Legerdemain
In affiliation with The Writer's Cramp Judges ...  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hello Nada Philippe (a.k.a: R.H.N)

Thanks for entering "The Writer's Cramp" !

Comments:
I understand this is a short contest and take that into consideration, so please take these comments and suggestions as merely my opinion of what was posted.

An interesting murder/mystery story. I'm happy they caught Ivan. *Smile*


Suggestions: *Cut*:
*Bullet*"to know that he was my nephew" Also take out that in the next sentence.
*Bullet*"kept on starring at me" ~ staring.
*Bullet*"raining for 6 hours" ~ Numbers should be written out. No comma after wet in that sentence.
*Bullet*It might help to visit: "May Editorial: Dialog" , "5 Tips & Advice On Writing Dialogue"  or "Book 5: Where the Oasis Blooms"  for dialog help.


Overall: A good entry.

Writer's Cramp!
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Review of The plan  
Review by Legerdemain
In affiliation with The Writer's Cramp Judges ...  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello Ebube

Thanks for entering "The Writer's Cramp" !

Comments:
I understand this is a short contest and take that into consideration, so please take these comments and suggestions as merely my opinion of what was posted.

A great beginning to a detective story.

Suggestions: *Cut*:
*Bullet*It wasn't clear, did Miss Anderson set up Jack? Was she Marie or just a rich woman? A bit confusing.
*Bullet*minds-it's now ~ There should be a colon here (-) instead.

Overall: A good start to a story, I'd love to see how it turns out.

Writer's Cramp!
287
287
Review of Humble Pie  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello Keyverse

Thank you for entering "The Writer's Cramp" 
Humble pie, the most delicious pie in the regret bakery. I liked the image you created with your narrator. It definitely felt sad.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*"the past it held me with such great passion"
*Bullet*"forcing you to wear shame that did not belong to you" ~ Long line, perhaps "in unearned shame I dressed you". Not sure.

Overall, an emotional poem.

Regards,
Kim
Made in PSP X and Jasc Animation Shop.

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288
Review of Silver Phoenix  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello LAF

You created an interesting image in your work. I'd love to see a silver phoenix graphic, lol. I'm not a poet, but I enjoyed your work and the image you created.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*You had a couple repetitive lines but they seemed to work. Almost like a lyric.
*Bullet*"That you are my" "That I am" ~ Taking out "that" strengthens the lines. You could take out "only" and beginning "And" words also.

Overall, good work

Regards,
Kim
Just do it!
289
289
Review of Broken Wings  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello DJ. Venson

You narrated a fascinating image in your poetry. How often does this scenario come true? Probably more often than society likes to admit.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:

*Bullet*What more does he have to do / proving he doesn't love you?" ~ A semi-colon or a question mark after "do".
*Bullet*The only rhyme I didn't feel worked was "immoral" and "normal".

Overall, an interesting read.

Regards,
Kim
Made in PSP X and Jasc Animation Shop.

290
290
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Pumpkin

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest" . Thanks for entering!

You wrote a good story, inventive with your methods of personal disposal. *Smile* The story line is contemporary with today's economy.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*Being an invalid or a paraplegic for decades to come was bleaker
*Bullet*He had a job, a house, insurance, and money.
*Bullet* There was the business man, successful ~ "businessman"

Overall, a good read.

Regards,
Kim
Signature of fall
291
291
Review of Intruder  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Michael Priest

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest" . Thanks for entering!

I liked your portrayal of ideas arriving like a coating of light. Your character's actions of trying to see the intruder were amusing.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*An icy hand had grasped his heart as it became hard to breathe. ~ Suggest rewrite as "It became hard to breathe as an icy hand of fear grasped his heart.
*Bullet*lightening ~ "lightning"
*Bullet* bolt of lightening seemingly licked

Overall, an enjoyable story.

Regards,
Kim
Signature of fall
292
292
Review of Muse  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello Mara ♣ McBain

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest" . Thanks for entering!

What a deliciously dark story. I loved the Patrick character. I was very surprised at the shift in the story but because of his character, it worked.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*"Fragrant pine wreaths hung on nearly" ~ 'hung' is redundant to the sentence before, perhaps 'decorated'?
*Bullet*"those with the wanderlust were generally met with suspicion"
*Bullet*Nearly a month ago since he had released his housekeeper,

Overall, an excellent story.

Regards,
Kim
Signature of fall
293
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Review of Soul Mates  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Hyperiongate

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest" . Thanks for entering!

This was a delightful story of everlasting love. Patrick was a well-portrayed character, a scientist without overwhelming the reader with science.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*Was Sarah also a scientist? Or was this all knowledge from the Great Beyond?
*Bullet*It could have been any number of things. But it wasn’t.
*Bullet*A tall white coat with thick glasses ~ The coat wears glasses?
*Bullet*A minor format issue, the last part is bolded with a broken unbold ML tag.

Overall, an enjoyable read.

Regards,
Kim
Signature of fall
294
294
Review of Maizie  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Hello Milhaud - Long Tail

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest" . Thanks for entering!

I enjoyed reading your story, it was amusing in a slightly creepy way.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*Sometimes all the brand name-dropping distracted from the story.
*Bullet*They carried her out the side, first floor exit and hoisted her into the alley dumpster
*Bullet*I'd like to see some indication in the last part of the story, that Maizie was the "floor model".
*Bullet*As far as the technician character, I wondered why you had Ted introduce him first. Would it have been more clever to have David more fussy and Ted be on the scene to soothe?

As always, a review is opinion to take or throw out as you choose.

Overall, a charming story.

Regards,
Kim
Signature of fall
295
295
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello Cobwebby Space Reader Reindeer

I'm today's judge for your entry in "The Writer's Cramp"  Thanks for entering!

Your poem envoked an image of dancing skeletons and swooping ghosts. I envisioned your Saints causing laughter and then fear as they danced and hopped closer and closer. Nice work.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*Corpses collapsin' ~ woo, what a tongue twister!

Overall, a delightful write.

Regards,
Kim
Signature of fall
296
296
Review of Dark Lullaby  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Harvey
Welcome to Writing.com!

Hey, I really liked this little piece. Humming a lullaby-like song with the words made it special. You can feel the narrator's sadness behind the words. Well done.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*The major suggestion is format. I think this would present better if each sentence had its own line and perhaps center it in the page with a {center} tag. A good presentation brings in more readers and reviewers.

Overall, a good read.

Regards,
Kim
Boo! BOO!
297
297
Review of Horizon of Silver  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hello Bear Trap

Welcome to Writing.com! I enjoyed your story and offer these comments in the spirit of review, to be taken or discarded as you wish.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*As a general improvement to the format of the story, you should insert line breaks between paragraphs and when you switch speakers in dialog. Much easier to read.
*Bullet*Another suggestion would be to tighten up your group of workers. If the guys are going to haze Scott, then I'd like to see actions those groups would take - nudging one another, laughing with each other, etc.
*Bullet*Showing some panic in Scott when he realizes he's stuck in the hole would add to the fear.
*Bullet*The end would be more satisfying if all the men were there when Scott emerges from the hole, slapping his back or shaking his hand, not just a distant laughter.
*Bullet*Your ending paragraph is vague. Did you want the story to be about fitting in? Or conquering a fear?

Overall, your characters were interesting but the point of the story became vague. Tighten this up and it will be an amusing write!

Regards,
Kim
Boo! BOO!
298
298
Review of Untouchable  
Review by Legerdemain
In affiliation with  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hello Shayguin

Although the brief description seems misleading, I liked your story. It seemed full of symbolism and oxymoron.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*Just some format issues with spacing in the story, an easy edit.
*Bullet*"Chick-in-Coat" seemed off base. You make the girl pristin in character and then give her a cartoonish name.

Overall, an interesting read. Write on!

Regards,
Kim
** Image ID #1284499 Unavailable **

299
299
Review of The Verdict  
Review by Legerdemain
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello indrajit_majum

I found your story posted on the Plug Page and decided to visit. Your story was detail rich and I felt quite sorrowful when the final verdict came in.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*This sentence: "He was wearing a lungi, the traditional dress of males in Kerala." was a 'tell'. You could impart the information to your reader while Abdul rolled the hem.

Overall, a good narration of fishing tradition.

Regards,
Kim
** Image ID #1284499 Unavailable **

300
300
Review by Legerdemain
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Nani - Blessed Indeed

What a pretty poem about the sea! I think a lot of people feel like the narrator of this poem, that the sea rejuevenates them and soothes their soul. I do and oh, it is so sad to leave.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*The only thing that jumped out was this line "While the sea gulls now whispered my name". I've never heard a quiet seagull. LOL They are noisy and raucous, loud and strident to be heard over the surf. Perhaps change "whispered" to "called" or "cawed".

Overall, an enjoyable write envoking nice memories for me.

Regards,
Kim
** Image ID #1284499 Unavailable **

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