🌖 HuntersMoon's (huntersmoon) Reviews

🌖 HuntersMoon

Review Requests: OFF

3,125 Public Reviews Given

3,266 Total Reviews Given

Review Style

Honest but encouraging

I use an outline (form)to make sure I've covered all the bases but within that, it's pure dialogue. Let's talk about your write.

I'm good at...

Short Stories and better at Poetry

Favorite Genres

All

801

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3105821

Review of Trading Asphalt For Cobblestone

Review by 🌖 HuntersMoon

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hi S. A. Calluna

My name is Ken and it is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "Trading Asphalt For Cobblestone"

[E].

Please note: This is the typical caveat about how these are my impressions. Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It doesn’t matter what I say - of course you’ll take this personally but it’s offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback… nothing more.

First impression:
A wonderful tale of nature remembered.

Creativity:
I really found the direction you took this to be creative and refreshing. You went to the heart of the image rather than just a literal interpretation. Excellent!

Content:
You tell of a longing for the natural world rather than the paved over society we find ourselves in. You use the Quartern form to it's full advantage incorporating an a/b/c/b rhyme into your verse. It's very subtle and it really keeps the flow going without overpowering the beautiful images your words call up.

Technical Notes:
Nope - not a thing to comment on

. I even approve of your hybridization of "diff'rent" LOL since that's how I pronounce it anyway. A really well crafted poem.

Overall Rating:

Congratulations on the recognition for a really terrific poem. Thank you for sharing your vision and talent with me today.

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken
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802

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14 days may be credited.

#3105804

Review of Three Billy Goats Yum!

Review by 🌖 HuntersMoon

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hi Ben...

Just had to see who beat me out LOL. It is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "Three Billy Goats Yum!"

[E].

Please note: This is the typical caveat about how these are my impressions. Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It doesn’t matter what I say - of course you’ll take this personally but it’s offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback… nothing more.

First impression:
The moment I opened this, I started chuckling. What a creative way to take this.

Creativity:
I love that you reached back to childhood and made the connection with the 3 Billy Goats Gruff. This made it more enjoyable (at least for us old folks who remember such tales before they were declared politically uncorrect LOL).

Content:
You tell of the Troll, biding his time, waiting for dinner to tap-tap-tap across his table. You're rhyme and meter are pitch perfect and your use of the form is absolutely spot on.

Technical Notes:
Darn, I wish you'd make a mistake now then so I'd have something to do beside sing your praises

Overall Rating:

A wonderfully creative take, full of humor and a great example of the form. Congratulations - absolutely the best of the bunch! Thanks for the smile this afternoon.

(I'm sending your back your autoaward GPs - reading this was sufficient reward

)

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken
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803

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14 days may be credited.

#3103493

Review of LAST BREATH !!!

Review by 🌖 HuntersMoon

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Hi riya

My name is Ken and it is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "LAST BREATH !!!"

[E].

Please note: This is the typical caveat about how these are my impressions. Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It doesn’t matter what I say - of course you’ll take this personally but it’s offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback… nothing more.

First impression:
A sad stale of loosing a gentle soul.

Creativity:
The concept of death as an uninvited death was good. We don't often think of that in connection with out pets.

Content:
You tell of Daisy - your cat whom you've had since its first breath - and how it died. You've put a lot of emotion into this sparse tale. You've put some great imagery into this - "Her blue eyes outspoke all her naughty tricks..." a truely adorable phrase that brough a smile to me. From a story standpoint - you've left too much out, however. You indicate that Daisy was "taken aback by the surprise visit of the uninvited guest..." but you provide no details... was she ill before? Your lead in indicates it was the monsoon season - did this have something to do with it? You need to lead the reader to this point, not just arrive there. We need to understand what led to this, how you tried to "grasp Daisy..." You also call it a "gift of Death" which would indicate that maybe this wasn't a bad thing. You've got the outline of a story - but there are too many holes for the reader to make sense of it.

Technical Notes:
I get the impression that English is not your primary language (forgive me if I'm wrong

) Some of your phrasing is a bit awkward such as "Tears of pain covered all eyes of loved ones." In the natural flow of English, you might have said "Tears of pain filled the eyes of those who loved her." Even here, you could add more depth by adding in description such as "cascaded down cheeks," or "blinded us to the small soul leaving..." Remember - you're "seeing" this in your mind as you write it but we, the readers, only have your words. Don't be afraid to add the small details that your seeing to your descriptions - it only helps us look over your shoulder and share the moment with you.

Overall Rating:

and a

This has the outlines of a gentle and loving story - you need to fill in that outline with more descriptions and let us understand how and why. A good start but needs more work

. Let me know when you've added more - I'd like to read the whole story

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken
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804

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14 days may be credited.

#3098195

Review of Shade of Gray

Review by 🌖 HuntersMoon

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

Hi Kristi

It's me, Ken and it is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "Shade of Gray"

[18+].

Please note: This is the typical caveat about how these are my impressions. Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It doesn’t matter what I say - of course you’ll take this personally but it’s offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback… nothing more.

First impression:
A darkly told tale of addiction and its affects on your life.

Creativity:
The honesty alone is enough to capture the reader and pull them into this tale.

Content:
Not a complicated tale, just the straight forward telling of methamphetamine addiction. You speak of its appeal and the subtle ways it pulls you in. A chilling tale.

Technical Notes:
Two thoughts... the beginning of stanza 4 "Just one taste of my special sauce..." It didn't seem to go with the rest of the poem. You speak of a temptuous land but give me McDonalds

Dark ecstasy or some other description would fit better. The beginning of stanza 5 - "Begging me for just one more..." one more what? half hour, chance to bring you to the temptuous land... I didn't understand.

Overall Rating:

and a

There is such honesty and a darkness to this that's just plain scary. There's also a courageous heart that can be heard between the lines that speaks of trust and strength both to write this and survive this. Many blessings to you for sharing this and your wonderful talent today.

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken
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805

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14 days may be credited.

#3097145

Review of Breaking Yoke

Review by 🌖 HuntersMoon

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hi Jimminycritic

My name is Ken and it is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "Breaking Yoke"

[13+].

Please note: This is the typical caveat about how these are my impressions. Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It doesn’t matter what I say - of course you’ll take this personally but it’s offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback… nothing more.

First impression:
Awww. How mean is that?

Poor Humpty!

Creativity:
Definitely not for the little ones but funny for us with a slightly bent sense of humor.

Content:
You tell of the murder of Humpty and the savage cannibalism of the king's men. I'm not sure eggs-actly what his crime was but he paid the price

to his transgressions. Great use of words - love "execrable". Too many are afraid to use the English language in all its glory. I'm proud you didn't dumb this down.

Technical Notes:
A little work on meter would help this flow a bit better. You vary from 13 beats (line 1) to 18 (line 2). Generally, try and stay within a beat for smoothness. "We placed the pan over flame until it grew hotter." (13 beats). Try it and feel the difference.

Overall Rating:

and a

5

for creativity and 4 1/2 for eggs-acution

- Sorry couldn't resist. A really dark but humorous poem that was great fun to read. Thank you for sharing this gem with me today!

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken
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806

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14 days may be credited.

#3097135

Review of A Dog Tail

Review by 🌖 HuntersMoon

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hi Jim...

Now how could I pass up a shaggy dog story

. It is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "A Dog Tail"

[E] on behalf of the Talent Pond’s Hot Reviews Challenge.

Please note: This is the typical caveat about how these are my impressions. Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It doesn’t matter what I say - of course you’ll take this personally but it’s offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback… nothing more.

First impression:
Way to go, Bear!

Creativity:
There's something about dog tales that I just love. It must be because I know them so well! Never could pass one up.

Content:
You tell the tale of Bear and his shenanigans... and your secret praise of his less-than-exemplary behavior (e:laugh}. I'm sure your wife had much different thoughts. The descriptions are clear, the humor well ingrained, the story a bit icky but heart warming.

Technical Notes:
Nothing wrong with this

... but it did seem a little unfocused - perhaps a bit rambling in the recounting of his behavior. The pig was certainly an interesting bit but really, it was more filler than part of the story.

Overall Rating:

In spite of the "stretching" this was a really endearing tale. Your affection for Bear comes through each word. Thank you for sharing these warm moments with me today.

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken
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807

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14 days may be credited.

#3096047

Review of Summertime Remembered

Review by 🌖 HuntersMoon

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi Dilly

My name is Ken and it is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "Summertime Remembered"

[E] on behalf of the Talent Pond’s Hot Reviews Challenge.

Please note: This is the typical caveat about how these are my impressions. Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It doesn’t matter what I say - of course you’ll take this personally but it’s offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback… nothing more.

First impression:
Warm memories (for me LOL) of the summer time.

Creativity:
I love the nostalgia feel of this... very nicely done.

Content:
You tell to summer and its many meanings to you... vacation days filled with fourth of July celebration, cookouts, swimming, sudden downpours, and a host of wonderful memories. A really lovely and warm write.

Technical Notes:
Lazy

... last line of stanza 1 "fun, fun, fun." Childhood, youthful, freedom's - a missed opportunity to add depth. The end of stanza 2 - looks like you have an extraneous period floating there. Since you chose to use punctuation (good for you !) stanza 3, line 4 should probably be a comma not a period. Stanza 4, line 3 needs to end with a period.

Overall Rating:

and a

Good strong natural rhymes and warm images make this a really enjoyable read. Thank you for sharing these memories (or plans

) and your talent with me today.

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken
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808

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14 days may be credited.

#3094861

Review of One Look...

Review by 🌖 HuntersMoon

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi Belest

Third times a charm?

It is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "One Look..."

[E]

Please note: This is the typical caveat about how these are my impressions. Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It doesn’t matter what I say - of course you’ll take this personally but it’s offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback… nothing more.

First impression:
An anaphoric wonderland

(Anaphora is a rhetorical device in which several successive lines, phrases, clauses, or sentences begin with the same word or phrase)

Creativity:
The use of anaphora is not common so it gives this a unique feel.

Content:
You write of your infatuation with someone... one look brings to many emotions to your mind. Your use of monorhyme in each stanza is a nice touch. I felt you stretched it a bit in stanza two with "One look at you, I hope you're near." If your looking at someone, wouldn't nearness be necessary? More than emotion, poetry also needs to make sense or you'll lose the reader. Never compromise for the sake of form or rhyme.

Technical Notes:
A nice solid, faultless write.

Overall Rating:

Anaphora is a great device to bind a group of words powerfully and memorably. When used to excess, however, it can also sound monotonous, mechanical, and artificial. I've found that repetition is a great way to highlight different aspects of the same words - showing them in a new light and with a shaded meaning. Overall, I thought this was effective. Thank your sharing the many aspects of your talent with me today.

(Yep, sending the GPs back

- I enjoyed my visit with you today and reward enough!)

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken
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809

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14 days may be credited.

#3094844

Review of Angel in Disguise

Review by 🌖 HuntersMoon

Rated: ASR

| (4.0)

Hi Belest

Me again!

It is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "Angel in Disguise"

[ASR]

Please note: This is the typical caveat about how these are my impressions. Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It doesn’t matter what I say - of course you’ll take this personally but it’s offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback… nothing more.

First impression:
A lament over a lost love.

Creativity:
Again, strong imagery invokes great emotion.

Content:
You write of being fooled by an angel - who turned out not to be

. You speak of her ripping your heart out and then handing her your heart. I think you've created a conflict with those opposing images. Still, the emotional contest of your writing is very strong and no one will walk away without understanding the pain you felt... still feel.

Technical Notes:
Nothing of note grammatically... you use a rhyme scheme of unrhymed/a/unrhymed/a except in the first stanza. This throws the rhythm off and makes it read more like free verse... until you hit the second stanza. I would try to find a single pattern if your going to use rhyme just to keep the rhythm smooth which allows yours words to touch the reader rather than distracting them.

Overall Rating:

Nicely done. I think a little polish on this will make it a truely shining jewel. You've mastered imagery and emotions... just a little work on form and you'll shine. Thank you for the opportunity to read your work. I'm returning the GPs... reading is reward enough

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken
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810

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#3094835

Review of What the Earth Feels

Review by 🌖 HuntersMoon

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi Belest

My name is Ken and it is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "What the Earth Feels"

[E]

Please note: This is the typical caveat about how these are my impressions. Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It doesn’t matter what I say - of course you’ll take this personally but it’s offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback… nothing more.

First impression:
A poem of Gaia's sadness and slow death at the hands of her children.

Creativity:
A nice structure and a clear message... very well done.

Content:
You tell of Mother Earth and her pain as we are slowly killing her. Nice imagery as in "her children are being massacred..." depicts the destruction of the forests - be we are also her children. I think this could use some clarification such as "her stately children reaching greenly into the sky..." You'll get the same message but with a clearer image to the reader. The emotional content is perfect.

Technical Notes:
Written in free verse, there's little to say about form since it's generally accepted that most anything goes.

. I noticed you used correct punctuation which I personally think is great. That said, if you use punctuation, there's no need to capitalize the first word in every line since the reader typically sees capitalization as the beginning of a sentence and that's not how your using it. It just helps the reader follow your flow of thoughts.

Overall Rating:

A really nice poem with great imagery. A little confusion in the images as to what specifically your writing about but still, a strong message and an important one. Thank you for sharing your vision on this timely subject and your talent with me today.

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken
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811

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#3094221

Review of LOVE IS...

Review by 🌖 HuntersMoon

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hi Maria Mize

My name is Ken and it is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "LOVE IS..."

[E]

Please note: This is the typical caveat about how these are my impressions. Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It doesn’t matter what I say - of course you’ll take this personally but it’s offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback… nothing more.

First impression:
1 John 4 - the expanded version

Creativity:
I like that you've taken this beyond the context of religion and shown the power and beauty of love in out everyday lives.

Content:
You provide metaphorical examples of love... as an integral part of life itself. Like the river, love smoothes and polishes our lives turning the ordinary into beauty. It supports us during times of challenge and expands our horizons, increasing it power as we apply it to our lives. A very beautiful write.

Technical Notes:
Nothing to note... your form (free verse) keeps the poetic feel of this flowing throughout while enlightening the reader with different aspects and views of love... new horizons to look at and beyond.

Overall Rating:

This is a gentle, loving poem that speaks to the great emotion that we ,as people, are blessed to have and to share. Thank you for sharing your vision and talent with me today.

I'm returning your GPs - my enjoyment of this is all the reward I require

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken
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812

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#3094179

Review of Sinful Memories

Review by 🌖 HuntersMoon

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

Hi SeanFhear

It's just me, Ken

and it is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "Sinful Memories"

[18+]

Please note: This is the typical caveat about how these are my impressions. Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It doesn’t matter what I say - of course you’ll take this personally but it’s offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback… nothing more.

First impression:
A look into your past and the revelations that your memories carry forth.

Creativity:
Some great imagery that draws the reader into this... sometimes a bit "over the top" but it makes for an arresting read.

Content:
Your approach is very stylized, written in an exaggerated form that harkens to another time. Phrases like "Yet and yes..."
"Oh comrades..." resemble the styles of Milton and others. You describe your "sinful memories" not in terms of content but in terms of their affect on you. This is a great approach, allowing the reader to feel the emotional turmoil while letting them recall their own sins. Some of your images are very strong. "Sinful memories in the mind's flask" is a really unique and terrific image. Some are almost obscure, causing the reader to stop and wonder such as "The record was set in a fetus and grown up to be my twin." I interpreted this as the classic good and evil that lies within each but I really had to stop and figure that out. Strong images such as that need a bit of a lead in to help the reader devine your thoughts and meaning.

Technical Notes:
I see you were going for a classic abab rhyme scheme. You rely on "eye rhymes" (yodel/model; was/alas) which really makes this read more like free verse. I think the more complex the subject, the better off you may be with free verse. It's difficult enough to express such emotions without having to fight for rhymes as well.

Overall Rating:

and a

A really interesting poem that really made me think. I quite enjoyed it although it did take several reads to figure out where you were going with this. Remember, not all readers will share your perspective and sometimes you need to provide a bit of guidance so they'll understand where you're coming from. Nicely done and I will read more of you... Thank you for sharing this...

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken
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813

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14 days may be credited.

#3092052

Review of Backseat Driver

Review by 🌖 HuntersMoon

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi ShiShad

My name is Ken and it is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "Backseat Driver"

[E].

Please note: This is the typical caveat about how these are my impressions. Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It doesn’t matter what I say - of course you’ll take this personally but it’s offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback… nothing more.

First impression:
A cute story... that rhymes!

Creativity:
An acrostic and a monorhyme... what a challenge. Well done!

Content:
You tell the story of Mom out driving in her new car and the police, mistakenly, stopping her thinking it was a stolen vehichle. The humor, besides the mistaken identity, comes from the child's reaction. You can't go wrong with kids

Technical Notes:
I did notice a few lines where you sacrificed normal speech to maintain the rhyme (...come out of nowhere and transcend) or did you mean descend? Of course, I also noticed the one near rhyme (lend/stolen). I was amazed you were able to keep a monorhyme. Really well done.

Overall Rating:

and a

What a great effort. The acrostic was brilliantly done and you really challenged yourself not only with incorporating a rhyme, but a monorhyme at that! A very enjoyable read. Thank you for sharing your talent with me today.

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken
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814

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#3091636

Review of Talent Show Finale

Review by 🌖 HuntersMoon

Rated: 18+

| (5.0)

Hi Jim...

It is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "Talent Show Finale"

[18+]

Please note: This is the typical caveat about how these are my impressions. Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It doesn’t matter what I say - of course you’ll take this personally but it’s offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback… nothing more.

First impression:
Ohhhh, another dark tale ala "Carrie"...

Creativity:
I always enjoy how you work the prompts in. It's never straight forward, always with a twist. Clever, creative, and always fun.

Content:
You tell of an 8th grade girl who, beset with the physical and emotional trials and tribulation of adolecence, finds a way to show her talents. What makes this exceptionally chilling is that I could have read this story in the Washington Post or the London Times. The cruelty of children can never be underestimated.

Technical Notes:
I'm sure it's the slight differences in language (English as opposed to Americanese LOL) but in paragraph 3 you write "...enthusiastic hold of her complexion." For the American reader, it would have take a hold on her complexion. Nothing I'd change - just that it's all I could find. This is well crafted as all your work is.

Overall Rating:

Another wonderfully creative write. Another really enjoyable read! Yep, retuning the GPs too

. You're too good a writer to pay for readership - you should be charging

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken
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815

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#3087219

Review of Harry's Prairie

Review by 🌖 HuntersMoon

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

Hi Arakun the twisted raccoon

My name is Ken (you may vaguely recall

) and it is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "Harry's Prairie"

[13+].

Please note: This is the typical caveat about how these are my impressions. Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It doesn’t matter what I say - of course you’ll take this personally but it’s offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback… nothing more.

First impression:
A wonderfully humorous tale - with your patented twist

Creativity:
Great characters, tight story line, and enough detail to pull the reader into the story.

Content:
You tell the story of new neighbors - both who love their gardens - each with a different view of whats valuable in nature. Of course, they're both right but their narrow vision only allows them to see within their expectations. You've managed to really flesh out the characters in a short space and make the reader understand them. Good metaphors and casual detail brings this story from the page into the world. Really excellent story telling.

Technical Notes:
Try as I might, I couldn't find so much as a misplaced comma. This story reflects the accomplished hand of a true craftsman at work.

Overall Rating:

A great tale with meanings that transcend a simple tale of gardening. Amusing, detailed, and totally captivating! Thank you so much for sharing your vision and story telling talents with me today.

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken
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816

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#3085998

Review of The Xeric Conspiracy

Review by 🌖 HuntersMoon

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hi JACE

My name is Ken and it is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "The Xeric Conspiracy"

[13+]

Please note: This is the typical caveat about how these are my impressions. Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It doesn’t matter what I say - of course you’ll take this personally but it’s offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback… nothing more.

First impression:
A farewell letter to an uncaring society.

Creativity:
I really liked that way you approached this. You have a subtle way of building the scene. For example, "... perfection by 31 December 2043--just six short months from now" lets us know timeframe.

Content:
You tell of a bleak future where nature has yielded to the uncaring hand of man. You populate your story with actual facts such as the History Channel "archived" footage or recalling Thoreau's essays which adds a chilling air of reality to your tale. My only disappointment was the hero's giving up... anyone who has the patience to garden would never give up .

Technical Notes:
I really saw no glaring errors. A few commas are missing such as in paragraph 14 where you say "Even my wife left me unable to deal with the constant..." A comma after "me" is needed since it was your wife that was unable - not you . In the next to last paragraph, you begin with " I regret the generations that will never..." making it sound like it's the generations you regret... not the fact that they will never know the joy. Relatively mine

Overall Rating:

and a

. Overall, this was a challenging write with an important message. Challenging in the sense that you propose a future brought on by our neglect and leave it up to the reader to take it to heart and make sure that your story remains just that - a work of fiction Thank you for sharing your creative vision and talents with me today.

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken

This is my first review for The Bait and Tackle Contest! Please give me the password for voting

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817

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#3085974

Review of The Xeric Conspiracy

Review by 🌖 HuntersMoon

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hi JACE

My name is Ken and it is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "The Xeric Conspiracy"

[13+].

Please note: This is the typical caveat about how these are my impressions. Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It doesn’t matter what I say - of course you’ll take this personally but it’s offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback… nothing more.

First impression:
A farewell letter to an uncaring society.

Creativity:
I really liked that way you approached this. You have a subtle way of building the scene. For example, "... perfection by 31 December 2043--just six short months from now" lets us know timeframe.

Content:
You tell of a bleak future where nature has yielded to the uncaring hand of man. You populate your story with actual facts such as the History Channel "archived" footage or recalling Thoreau's essays which adds a chilling air of reality to your tale. My only disappointment was the hero's giving up... anyone who has the patience to garden would never give up

.

Technical Notes:
I really saw no glaring errors. A few commas are missing such as in paragraph 14 where you say "Even my wife left me unable to deal with the constant..." A comma after "me" is needed since it was your wife that was unable - not you

. In the next to last paragraph, you begin with " I regret the generations that will never..." making it sound like it's the generations you regret... not the fact that they will never know the joy. Relatively mine

Overall Rating:

and a

Overall, this was a challenging write with an important message. Challenging in the sense that you propose a future brought on by our neglect and leave it up to the reader to take it to heart and make sure that your story remains just that - a work of fiction

Thank you for sharing your creative vision and talents with me today.

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken
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#3080013

Review of Escape

Review by 🌖 HuntersMoon

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

Another wonderful story! Great build up and blurring of the line between reality and imagination. I really liked the ending - it's one all of us dreamers can identify with. A couple of minor "oops" which I sent you. I definitely think this is primetime reading and ready to go.

Wishing you the best of luck!

Ken

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#3077470

Review of The Door

Review by 🌖 HuntersMoon

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi Jaye P. Marshall

My name is Ken and it is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "The Door"

[E]

Please note: This is the typical caveat about how these are my impressions. Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It doesn’t matter what I say - of course you’ll take this personally but it’s offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback… nothing more.

First impression:
A spooky tale of mystery and intrigue

Creativity:
Nice build up - you keep the reader guessing until the end. Is there anything scarier than our own imagination?

Content:
You tell the tale of cousins visiting Grandma's house and discovering (almost) the ghost of a lost relative. Your words and simple as is the tale but you manage to bring the warmth of summer and family out in this story. Among the many adventures, you introduce the wonders of farm life - the animals and hayloft - the adventures of a cave, and finally the family secret behind "the door." Nicely done although I think since the focus of the story was "the door" you may have tried to put too much into this. For a short fiction piece, I think the focus could have been a bit more sharpened on the subject. You left a few strands - hinted at but not tied up - in the telling. The mother's humming a tune - was it the same one (which I'm guessing it was) that was heard?

Technical Notes:
Not a thing to comment on

This was well written and you showed great attention to the details of writing. Bravo.

Overall Rating:

This was a warm family tale with overtones of a ghost story. In shorter fiction, you need to sharpen the focus to get the biggest impact from the tale but overall, this was a very enjoyable and pleasing read. Thank you for sharing your talent with me today.

(And yes, I'm returning your autoaward GPs - reading your tale was payment enough

)

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken

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#3075478

Review of Duct tape and I Love You!

Review by 🌖 HuntersMoon

Rated: ASR

| (5.0)

Hi Tiffany...

Thank you for bringing this wonderfully warm and humorous story to my attention. It is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "Duct tape and I Love You!"

[ASR]

Please note: This is the typical caveat about how these are my impressions. Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It doesn’t matter what I say - of course you’ll take this personally but it’s offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback… nothing more.

First impression:
Where would we be without duct tape?

Creativity:
Warm, human, and lovingling told. You did a fantastic job with this story.

Content:
You tell the tale of a family wedding and how you saved the day with duct tape... You build up the characters nicely, you kept the story moving along, and you wrapped it up with humor and the love shared by sisters. A really nice tale well told.

Technical Notes:
Nada, nyet, nothing to point out. When you write this well, don't expect long reviews

Overall Rating:

A really cute story with a subtle moral

Life lessons for all to read and take to heart. Wonderfully complete and richley textured in a warm, loving way.

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken

On behalf of “Good Deeds”
(Group ID 1562064)
If you found this review useful, please consider a donation to help newer members upgrade membership.
All amounts happily accepted – from 10 to 10,000

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#3073546

Review of Vessel

Review by 🌖 HuntersMoon

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi Shen

My name is Ken and it is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "Vessel "

[E]

Please note: This is the typical caveat about how these are my impressions. Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It doesn’t matter what I say - of course you’ll take this personally but it’s offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback… nothing more.

First impression:
Hmmmm

Sounds like a bit more than a friend.

Creativity:
Really nice soaring imagery makes this flow beautifully.

Content:
You speak of a friend who you wish to hear the truth from... a truth you hear paley reflected in his words. You are obviously enamored with him and hope that his feelings go beyond mere phrases. You write emotionally, with sweeping images like "a mirror within the black pools that flow through your veins." I don't see this as a darkness of spirit - more like the unknown. Nicely done.

Technical Notes:
More prose than poetry, this still carried a poetic feel and cadence. I notice that you write a sentence per line. You should consider breaking some of the longer lines (it's called enjambment

). Let's take the first long sentence:
"Let it tell the world your reflecting views like a mirror
within the black pools that flow through your veins."
By breaking it after mirror, you let the reader pause... and think "how like a mirror?" then you answer the question. Just like your words create images, using this kind of forced pause allows you to guide the emotions of the reader.

Overall Rating:

You have a wonderful gift and a real talent. Thank you for sharing your vision with me today.

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken

On behalf of “Good Deeds”
(Group ID 1562064)
If you found this review useful, please consider a donation to help newer members upgrade membership.
All amounts happily accepted – from 10 to 10,000

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#3071842

Review of The choices we never make

Review by 🌖 HuntersMoon

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi Thomas Wicker

My name is Ken and it is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "The choices we never make"

[E]

Please note: This is the typical caveat about how these are my impressions. Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It doesn’t matter what I say - of course you’ll take this personally but it’s offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback… nothing more.

First impression:
A poem about choice – the ultimate power we each weild.

Creativity:
Very enjoyable… both an “aha” moment of recognition and a thought provoking poem.

Content:
You lay out your vision of choice and its power in life. The choices we make and those we don’t are contrasted as are the painful reminders of choices not made. Here’s where you and I diverge.

I believe that not to make a choice IS a choice.

Technical Notes:
Good rhymes (except the assonant rhyme at the end

) and the strength of your words help keep the flow moving. I’m not sure why you broke the pattern in “Your options are gone.
Damn, where’d they go?” which made the reader skip a line to find the rhyme. Same thing with the last line. Since you weren’t focused on meter (syllables per line) it shouldn’t have made a difference if these lines ran long. I’d make them single lines just for consistency.

Overall Rating:

Your writing is meant to both informand make one stop and think. I think you’ve achieved all your goals in this poem. You have a real talent that shines here. Thank you for sharing your talent with me today.

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken

On behalf of "Invalid Item"

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#3071836

Review of Paradigm Shift(s)

Review by 🌖 HuntersMoon

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hi msw116

My name is Ken and it is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "Paradigm Shift(s)"

[E]

Please note: This is the typical caveat about how these are my impressions. Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It doesn’t matter what I say - of course you’ll take this personally but it’s offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback… nothing more.

First impression:
LOL – a poem about “walking in someone else’s shoes!”

Creativity:
I quite enjoyed this… a thought provoking poem, filled with ironic humor.

Content:
You lay out your vision of children at different stages in your life and life experience. I love the transition as you grow… it’s filled with humor that’s unique to humans. You used a parallel structure in each stanza which was perfect for this write… allowing the reader to compare “apples to apples.” Really well thought out and written.

Technical Notes:
More prose than poetry in style and content, this still carried a poetic feel and cadence which is the key to free verse. Your structure and choice of form fit this write perfectly and you did an outstanding job of remaining consistent.

Overall Rating:

Your writing is meant to both inform, amuse, and make one stop and think. I think you’ve achieved all your goals in this poem. You have a real talent that shines here. Thank you for sharing your talent with me today.

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken

On behalf of "Invalid Item"

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#3071718

Review of Being Free

Review by 🌖 HuntersMoon

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi Kaviyatri

My name is Ken and it is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "Being Free"

[E]

Please note: This is the typical caveat about how these are my impressions. Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It doesn’t matter what I say - of course you’ll take this personally but it’s offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback… nothing more.

First impression:
A poem of freedom and what that really means.

Creativity:
I quite enjoyed this… a thought provoking poem.

Content:
You lay out your vision of freedom from many perspectives… that of a child forced to carry a heavy burden, that of a working person, that of a prisoner – both in jail and imprisoned in their own bodies by disease. Your words flow nicely, your images are clear but not exaggerated… nicely done.

Technical Notes:
To punctuate or not to – that is the question.

Actually, with free verse it’s optional but I suggest consistency is more important. It would, however, be helpful. Just as you use your words to guide the reader through your evolution, punctuation helps the reader understand where to pause and where to stop especially if you’re going to capitalize the first letter of each line. I found myself having to go back a few times when I realized you’d switched thoughts. Just a suggestion

I’d also recommend NOT double-spacing the text. It tends to stretch out the read and you’re looking to make each point and then illuminate the next meaning.

Overall Rating:

Your writing is meant to make one stop and think. I think it works well as a poem. Thank you for sharing your talent with me today.

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken

On behalf of "Invalid Item"

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#3071713

Review of Unlucky Bunny, Smug Cat

Review by 🌖 HuntersMoon

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi DarkBunny

My name is Ken and it is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "Unlucky Bunny, Smug Cat"

[E]

Please note: This is the typical caveat about how these are my impressions. Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It doesn’t matter what I say - of course you’ll take this personally but it’s offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback… nothing more.

First impression:
A very cute story of what goes on when we’re not around… you can’t trust those animals

Creativity:
I quite enjoyed this… a wonderful tale told in rhyme.

Content:
As a story poem, I found this very endearing. You used simple words and descriptions designed to appeal to children but also a storyline that will appeal to adults. I thought your descriptions were good – from the disdain of the cat to the final humorous pun. Nice done.

Technical Notes:
Technically, I didn’t notice much. I think full quotes should be used for the dialogue instead of the half quotes. Some of the rhymes were real stretches LOL (houses/trousers) – also known as assonant rhymes but given the difficulty, it’s understood.

Overall Rating:

A cute and fun filled poem. Thank you for sharing your talent with me today.

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken

On behalf of "Invalid Item"

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