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3,120 Public Reviews Given
3,261 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Honest but encouraging *Smile* I use an outline (form)to make sure I've covered all the bases but within that, it's pure dialogue. Let's talk about your write.
I'm good at...
Short Stories and better at Poetry
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Public Reviews
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726
726
Review of Sold  
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Africangirl

My name is Ken – aka 🌕 HuntersMoon - and it is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "Sold"  [13+].

*NoteB* First Impression/Thoughts:
A dark, thought provoking story (?) that reminds us that evil still roams the world. As you point out, like the ostrich - sticking our heads in the sand doesn't make it go away - it just keeps it from our view. Thank you for pulling our heads out and reminding us.

*NoteO* Creativity/Impact:
I genuinely liked your approach - the vignette that laid out the basis for concern - followed by the self-realization and self questioning as you brought the story into the context of your own life. I thought it was very effective way of bringing this to the reader and allowing them to discover their own relationship with this dark tale.

*NoteG* Content:
You recount the tale of a young Cambodian girl who has been consumed by the sex trade and, who, it seems, has met her end at the hands of the unscrupulous people who profit from it. You then relate this back to your own situation and ask the unanswerable questions that we all have - how can this happen? A poignant tale that surely touches most readers. My only recommendation would be regarding the rating. Since the subject matter is mature and you use some cursing, I'd recommend raising this to 13+ just to comply with the site's guidelines.

*NoteR* Technical Notes:
This story is definitely content over form. I saw the following minor errors that in no way detract from the story or its impact:
Line 1: Replace the period with a comma at the end of the opening quote. This is a complete thought and the period just breaks the flow. After "betray him" in the final sentece of paragraph 1, use a semi-colon instead of a comma. These are two independent clauses not joined by a connector word such as and. In paragraph 4, you say he ran his hands "through his almost bold scalp..." I think you meant "bald". Overall, I think you did very well in writing this - and minor blemishes such as these don't diminish a well told tale.

Overall Rating/Final Thoughts:
*Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* and a *Halfstar* This was a powerful and emotional write. It's evident from your words that you found a very personal story. Great emotion makes for great stories and you've done an excellent job with this. Thank you for sharing your talent with me today and I look forward to reading more of your work.

Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It’s offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback… nothing more.

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken
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727
727
Review of This, For You  
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi JACE

My name is Ken (as if you didn't know LOL) – aka 🌕 HuntersMoon - and it is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "This, For You"  [E].

*NoteB* First Impression/Thoughts:
Even though this was written a while ago, I noticed that you'd revisited it recently. That, alone, was enough to pique my interest since I know that I don't often go back to "finished" pieces unless they call to me or they mean something more than a passing thought or challenge. I can see why you came back - this is more than a lyric - it's a personal declaration to someone you love.

*NoteO* Creativity/Impact:
OK - I'm not a real mushy guy (nor am I in a relationship like this now) so I read this with just a touch of detachment. I love the refrain or hook "This, for you." I thought it was very open ended and allowed a great deal of flexibility in structuring the song. You really should post the music somewhere and add a link. While I felt the emotions were genuine, some of the phrasing was a bit cliched (even in 2008 LOL).

*NoteG* Content:
You write of your love - both in symbol and in feelings - in this song. I thought the rhymes were solid and phrasing consistent in terms of rhythm. I could feel the smooth flow of this and am sure that some of the "I've heard this before" feelings I had would disappate with the addition of music. I do like the solid rhymes (yes, even represents/hence *Smile*)

*NoteR* Technical Notes:
As I said - I saw nothing to comment on. This was very well written and there were no obvious errors. I like that you switched up the rhyme order for the bridge - it adds an element of interest in the rhythm and really works well here.

Overall Rating/Final Thoughts:
*Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* and a *Halfstar* I was torn in rating this. With the music, some of my concerns would go away I think. As a poem, I think this shows a wonderful maturity in the form and execution of this. Even though it's been said before, you've managed to bring it out in a different light which helps it feel newer. You might want to consider adding the music to something like a powerpoint file and overdubbing the music with the words (I'm not asking you to sing *Laugh*). Posted to youtube, the link could then be included in your notes. Just a thought... Thank you for allowing me to share in your talent today...

Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It’s offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback… nothing more.

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken
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728
728
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi willowonez

My name is Ken (as if you didn't know LOL) and it is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "Nicholas' Water Balloon War"  [E].

*Star* First Impression/Thoughts:
A cute story - one that shows the wonder of the small events in our life. Too many think that that writing is about creating magical worlds with fictional characters. Not so - and you have delivered a warm and human story with this recounting.

*Star* Creativity/Impact:
This is unique to your life - how much more creative can one get? *Smile* From a writing perspective, I think you could have increased the impact a bit by starting off with a bang (literally *Laugh*) Perhaps opening the story with some action from the water balloon fight and then pulling back and building the foundation. Just a thought - not a fault.

*Star* Content:
You've done a great job of giving the readers everything they need to understand the who, what, when , and where. Since I am a poet by temperment, I think adding more descriptors would help flesh this out a bit. Just as a "ferinstance" - you mention the hot Georgia summer nights. (Been there, done that LOL) My recollections go something like - When you walk out the door,the first thing you notice is the tickling. Persperation blossoms like the magnolias that scent the air in the summer nights in Georgia. The more you can involve the reader's senses, the more "into" the story they can get. It's not just a story - it's an experience.

*Star* Technical Notes:
There were a few minor mistakes that I'm sure, on rereading, you'd find on your own. A few examples:
Line one: "I really like my neighborhood, more specifically my cul-de-sac." Rather than a comma, a semicolon would work better since your not using a connecting word like "and."
"Hot Georgia summer nights what could be..." again - I'd either use a period (or even an exclamation point) and make the rest into a separate sentence.

Overall Rating/Final Thoughts:
*Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* I really liked this tale of community. There's little enough left anymore and we all need reminding that it's still there. A really good tale that, with a little polish, with find its full shine. Thank you for sharing this and your talent with me today. Yes, I'm returning your GPs. Reading this was reward enough *Smile*

Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It’s offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback… nothing more.

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken
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729
729
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Joshua Pilger

My name is Ken and it is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "Terror in the Night"  [E] as part of "Merit Badge Bonanza Player's Chart"  [E]

*Ornament1G* First Impression/Thoughts:
I think you've captured the fear of being alone in a house (and in your mind) very nicely. I could easily identify with the feelings your words portrayed which makes the impact all that much more. Nicely done.

*Ornament1V* Creativity/Impact:
Nice alliteration and use of words really brings out the creepy/scary qualities of this psychological poem. The overall flow carries - with a few bumps in the night *Laugh* - the reader through your thoughts and feelings.

*Ornament1S* Content:
You describe a dark night where your aloneness dredges up feelings of fear - and even the most innocent of the occurences are transformed by the unknown into monsters in your mind. I think your descriptions are well done and you've covered the full gamut - from creakings noises to the wind to the shadows playing on the walls.

*Ornament1Y* Technical Notes:
I saw only minor grammatical or spelling errors. Stanza 4, line 3 "silence of the night."

Personally, I think adding some punctuation would help (although it's not required) such as in Stanza 2. In line 2, a simple period after "bang" allows the reader to pause before you shift focus from what's going on outside to what's happening inside your mind. This adds clarity. Since you choose to capitalize each line (which typically indicates a new thought), adding a little punctuation will help the reader follow your thoughts.

The meter (think syllables per line) vary from 6 to 11 which makes this read a bit choppy. Consider extending some of the shorter lines to smooth out the flow. Good solid perfect rhymes really add to the ease of reading! Well done.

Overall Rating/Final Thoughts:
*Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* I think you've created a really good poem. A little adjustment to some of the technical aspects will make it flow a bit better and allow the reader to stay "in the poem" rather than being . The content is spot on. Thank you for sharing your talent and imagination with me today. Well done. I'm returning your auto-reward GPs - I get as much from a review as (hopefully *Smile* you do! No other reward is needed.

Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It’s offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback… nothing more.

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken
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730
730
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi JACE

It's just me, Ken. Thank you for the invitation. It is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "Forecast: Memories"  [E].

*Leaf1* First Impression/Thoughts:
What wonderful memories you've captured in your words. What an undertaking *Laugh*. While the form is free verse in style, you've kept the poetic feel to this that's so necessary to keep the flow of this moving the reader from the opening words to the final warm thoughts. You open this by citing the prompt - and I think you've done a wonderful job of integrating and interpreting the prompt in your own words and feelings.

*Leaf2* Creativity/Impact:
This is a unique tale - your memory - but it has common roots that many will identify with so it will find a home in many of the reader's hearts. The form - a Sestina - really works well and supports the flow of the story without feeling forced or artificial. Well done, sir!

*Leaf3* Content:
Unlike many of this type of poem, you've taken a page from your life and given us the whole picture... from first flakes of snow and the wonderful anticipation that it brings to your and your brothers through "Mom's reality" of work before play to the heart of your poem - a day of togetherness - sledding with your siblings and the wonderful feel of family in a warm kitchen as you thaw out *Laugh*.

*Leaf4* Technical Notes:
OK - let's get picky (LOL). I've only written one Sestina so I don't claim any expertise but it seems that you've been true to the form. My only comment would be the use of fall/falls since it does change the word slightly. I've done some reading and don't see where it matters particulary but if one were to be picky... *Smile*

The technical aspects - spelling, punctuation, word choice - are all spot on. Nothing to comment on.

Overall Rating/Final Thoughts:
*Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* This is a truely lovely memory recalled in unique form. Like the cocoa - it leaves the reader warm and content. Thank you for sharing your talent and I wish you the best of luck in the contest.

Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work. It is provided solely for your use and is offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback… nothing more.

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken
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731
731
Review of The Jazz Festival  
In affiliation with Rockin' Reviewers - Award ...  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Connie...

Just a note to tell you how much I enjoyed this story. I'm a sucker for happy endings (LOL).

I thought you did great with your descriptions - I could see the hub bub in packing up, the kids being kids, and the park where the festival was being held. I commend you for keeping the story simple and not rambling off into some long tirade about the importance of parents to never be complacent. Your story speaks volumes and I think the direct approach you took was very effective.

Well told and a pleasure to read... Thank you for sharing your talent and your tale...

Ken
732
732
Review of Autumn  
In affiliation with Spook-tator Sports Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Koyel *Smile*

Much more pleasing to the eye! Excellent form - it is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "Autumn"  [E].

*Leaf1* First Impression/Thoughts:
A wonderfully warm capture of the Autumn season.

*Leaf2* Creativity/Impact:
I really enjoy the form and how you've used it. It reminds one of those "colorful leaves falling." *Smile*

*Leaf3* Content:
From autumn colors to the tumbling leaves to winter's announcement - you've created a beautiful series of images and used the form to its fullest extent. The single rhymes (bright, sight, plight) almost work as a poem within a poem. Well done.

*Leaf4* Technical Notes:
I apologize that I didn't catch this earlier - in looking at the examples, the rhyme is aaAAb. You've written aabbc The first four lines have to rhyme together. This is a beautiful poem - but you've misunderstood the form (as did I, I'm afraid *Smile*)

Overall Rating/Final Thoughts:
*Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* I can't fault your poetry - it's wonderful. But for this, the form has to be followed. Let me know when you change it and I'll gladly re-review it.

Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It’s offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback… nothing more.

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken
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733
733
In affiliation with Spook-tator Sports Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Ben! *Smile*

Thank you for highlighting this wonderful musing. It is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "Whither Gods, Distracted?"  [E].

*Leaf1* First Impression/Thoughts:
How many times have we sat somewhere, thinking of the "what-ifs" in life, and passed a journey musing on the vagaries of fate? You've captured those moments in this gentle, thoughtful write.

*Leaf2* Creativity/Impact:
I appreciate your bringing in the "old Gods" into this. They were, after all, the ones who most directly interacted with us *Smile*. I think the use of iambic heptameter really supported the flow and storyline of this rather than the more staccato feel of tetrameter.

*Leaf3* Content:
A smooth flow of this carries the reader through this journey from "fumbling for change" to the soft musings of a future filled with children to the final realization that you're just strangers passing in a moment in time.

*Leaf4* Technical Notes:
While I'm the first to admit that I'm one of life's "iambically challenged" - try as I might, I saw nothing to comment on. I thought you did a terrific job on capturing the meter and matching it to a natural language flow (mostly *Smile*). Solid perfect rhymes supported this poem and added to the gentle feel.

Overall Rating/Final Thoughts:
*Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* A lovely way to start the day! Your poetry is always first rate but this was really a great read. I fear it will be overlooked for more spectacular subjects (or worse - more prosaic writes). This was a beautiful write and I appreciate the gentle nature of the subject and your display of talent in creating this.

Keep the GPs *Smile* Reading this was payment enough.

Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It’s offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback… nothing more.

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken
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734
734
Review of Raven's Awakening  
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi ghost

My name is Ken and it is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "Raven's Awakening"  [13+].

*Balloon1* First Impression/Thoughts:
A wickedly told tale to transmigration. So that's what happens! *Laugh*

*Balloon2* Creativity/Impact:
Very clever - the transformation was handled well and the focus on the "new" life was very interesting. Quite an enjoyable read.

*Balloon3* Content:
You describe a horrible death and talk of a rebirth in the form of a raven. Once the human plane is left, the world takes on a different focus in your new guise. Very interesting and creative way to take the prompt. Well done.

*Balloon4* Technical Notes:
Technically, very little to comment on. Second stanza - typically special symbols (+) aren't used in poetry - use the word "20-plus." Stanza 4 starts out "now I awake, on top of mine own grave." You need to capitalize the first word, make I (I'm} and it should be "my grave."

Overall Rating/Final Thoughts:
*Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* and a *Halfstar* The meter is a bit rough but you've told a complete and engaging story with this. Funny - I took the prompt a totally different direction which I guess was the purpose of this exercise. Thank you for sharing your imagination and talent with me today.

Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It’s offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback… nothing more.

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken

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735
735
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Cleverly done! A great story filled with warmth and humanity. My only recommendation would be to check the title - I think you meant "Wrestler"...

This is a winner, for sure!

Ken
736
736
Review of Survivor  
In affiliation with  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Good morning, Jim...

Once more, you're imagination has "done you proud." *Smile* It is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "Survivor"  [18+].

*Balloon1* First Impression/Thoughts:
Ahhh the old "hiding under the porch on Mars" theme *Laugh* A great lead in for a continuing tale of intrigue.

*Balloon2* Creativity/Impact:
Taking the mystery and setting it on another planet lends a heightened sense of intrigue to this. Who are the "out-worlders?" Where did they spring from?

*Balloon3* Content:
Solid plot set up. For such a short piece, you did a wonderful job of setting the scene... great descriptions of the environment and the fear factors that begin this tale of mystery.

*Balloon4* Technical Notes:
One minor typo -In paragraph 4 you wrote "Marian" intstead of "Martian" but other than that, this was perfect.

Overall Rating/Final Thoughts:
*Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* You really must follow up on some of these - I'd love to read the longer version! Thank you once more for sharing your imagination and talents with me.

Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It’s offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback… nothing more.

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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737
737
Review of Steamer Trunk  
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Lou-Here By His Grace

My name is Ken and it is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "Steamer Trunk"  [E].

*Balloon1* First Impression/Thoughts:
Nicely done *Smile* This felt very much like the final quatrain of a villanelle used repetitively.

*Balloon2* Creativity/Impact:
The image of an old trunk filled with memories was very nicely conveyed. I didn't get a clear image of "love" - more one of longing.

*Balloon3* Content:
Perhaps it's just me but I thought the second stanza should have been the opening. The opening stanza seemed out of context without the introduction of the trunk - central to the theme and the source for your refrain. Your parallel of the trunk and your heart was nicely done and effective.

*Balloon4* Technical Notes:
I saw nothing to comment on. You were true to your form and the write was error free. Well done *Thumbsup*

Overall Rating/Final Thoughts:
*Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* and a *Halfstar* I felt the poem was good but with the double refrain, it relied heavily on the lead in lines to illuminate the refrain in a different light for each stanza. The opening stanza didn't quite set the poem up for understanding. Overall, an enjoyable read and an interesting form. Thank you for sharing your poetic vision and your obvious talent with me this evening.

Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It’s offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback… nothing more.

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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738
738
Review of Just a Farmer  
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Ben...

I will admit - I was hesitant to read this, thinking it must me some dour write about the plight of the farmers or some such. *Laugh* Boy, was I wrong! It is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "Just a Farmer"  [13+].

*Balloon1* First Impression/Thoughts:
Brilliance shines here - Humor is such a difficult genre; poetic humor just adds to the difficulty. You've shown a mastery of both! A terrific piece.

*Balloon2* Creativity/Impact:
I love the "one-hit-wonder" theme. It's a familiar tale in music - my poor brain had never made the leap to writers, poets, and other artists. Wonderful turn of creativity.

*Balloon3* Content:
You tell of a singular author whose claim to fame is a single best seller. The turn of phrase regarding the resultant "cash cow" was poetic genius. You had me laughing from start to finish - and, even cringing at the thought that I could identify with this. Luckily, squeezing the teats of my muse has continued to at least provide a dribble of inspiration *Laugh*

*Balloon4* Technical Notes:
It's seldom I see such quality - there were no errors of any type. Bravo.

Overall Rating/Final Thoughts:
*Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* Now how could I rate you less? This was, perhaps, the best humor piece I've read on this site. I'll keep looking *Laugh* but you've set a high standard with this. Thank you for a much needed bellylaugh today. I'm returning your GPs - just reading this was payment enough.

Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It’s offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback… nothing more.

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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739
739
Review of An Irish poem  
In affiliation with  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi Bob

My name is Ken and it is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "An Irish poem"  [ASR].

*Balloon1* First Impression/Thoughts:
Now I know why they call it "Pun-ishment" *Laugh*. Actually, I thought this was very clever. I love puns and thought you put this together well.

*Balloon2* Creativity/Impact:
Some of the puns were a bit old but you've put them in verse and made them dance to a new tune *Laugh*

*Balloon3* Content:
You tell a series of Irish related puns in a nice, flowing rhyme. I like that you had the decency to apologize (*Laugh* - just teasing you!)

*Balloon4* Technical Notes:
This was actually well written. You have a knack for rhyme and the meter seemed to work with the humor and the structure of the poem. Well done.

Overall Rating/Final Thoughts:
*Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* and a *Halfstar* Well, I hope that this had helped you see ... the Eire of your ways *Smile* Thank you for sharing your humor and your talent with me today. Congratulations on the recognition!

Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It’s offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback… nothing more.

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
** Image ID #1577563 Unavailable **
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740
740
In affiliation with  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi Just call me Omni

It's just me *Smile* - Ken. I thought I would return your many kindnesses and - seeing this title - I knew this would give me a smile today. It is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "Grow your manhood here? "  [18+].

*Balloon1* First Impression/Thoughts:
More than just "Bob" is smiling *Laugh*. I got a chuckle out of your poetic comments about men's search for the ultimate erection.

*Balloon2* Creativity/Impact:
This is one of the classic uses of poetry - social comment. You've done it with humor and good taste, revealing the gullibility of consumers with promises of bliss for a token fee. Well done.

*Balloon3* Content:
You tell of the commercialization of "male enhancement" through the too oft seen advertising of Enzyte (don't ask how I know the name *Laugh*) and question - is that all it's worth? Through your humorous lines, you manage to show the silliness of this product while staying true to the performance promises that it makes. I smiled the entire read. Well done.

*Balloon4* Technical Notes:
I'm one of those who believe that poetic humor should not be constrained to a form. If the meter is off or the rhymes are a bit awkward - so what? The purpose is to display humor. I think you managed both, however. I thought the flow was good - a bit bumpy in places - but carried the reader along with your thoughts. The rhymes were solid. I would have split the line "They say $19.95 is what it’s worth." for consistency and for impact of the punchline ... something more like:
They say $19.95 ...
Is that all it's worth?
but, that's just me... I think it works well just as written.

Overall Rating/Final Thoughts:
*Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* and a *Halfstar* I really enjoyed this wicked jab at both the product and the silliness of men. Just to prove my point - the founder of the product was convicted on fraud charges last August for this. The judge noted that it was impossible to determine how much money was lost by customers since they were reluctant to come forward. *Laugh*

Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It’s offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback… nothing more.

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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741
741
In affiliation with  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hi Have a sunshiny day!

It's been a while since I've had a chance to read you *Smile*. What a fascinating tale you've told here. It is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "The Fried Chicken Bank Robbers"  [ASR].

*Balloon1* First Impression/Thoughts:
There's nothing more facinating that real life *Laugh* An interesting story with all the plot twists of fiction but not!

*Balloon2* Creativity/Impact:
You tell the story chronologically so we - the readers - are carried along making each new discovery with you. There is a sense on anticipation that comes with writing this way and keeps the reader engaged. Nicely done.

*Balloon3* Content:
You tell of an incident where you were caught in a moment of time during a bank robbery and - unknowingly - involved your husband. As the story unfolds, a sense of the unknown begings to pervade the story - will you be discovered - where is your husband - with tantilizing clues being delivered through CNN *Smile*. Overall, you kept the mystery going and the reader involved. A fun read. From a content pespective, the last paragraph is superfluous. It doesn't really add anything to the story. The story might finish stronger with the CNN quote - but that's just my thinking. It leaves a cliff-hangar feel - one suspect still on the loose *Smile*.

*Balloon4* Technical Notes:
Well crafted! The only thing I saw was in paragraph seven you write "The bathrooms across the common hallway from our entry door were shared with the other three offices." The clause "across the hallway from our entry door" should be set off in commas.

Overall Rating/Final Thoughts:
*Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* I think this was an interesting and well told tale. Like most of our writing, there are minor changes we can make but I saw nothing here that detracted from the telling or the interest of this. Well done. *Thumbsup* Thank you for sharing is scary moment and your wonderful talent with me today.

Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It’s offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback… nothing more.

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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742
742
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Just an Ordinary Boo!

It's just me - Ken - and it's been a while since I've read you. What a jewel I have stumbled upon with this warm and wonderful story. It is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "How To Make Friends, not Foes."  [E].

*Balloon1* First Impression/Thoughts:
You indicate this is a continuing series... I will find them *Smile* What a terrific story!

*Balloon2* Creativity/Impact:
I love the feel of this - almost a "fable" type tale (OK so the animals don't talk - sue me *Laugh*) this has all the elements that make a story totally engrossing and totally touching.

*Balloon3* Content:
You tell of Ravi and one of his many adventures. In this case, he crosses caste boundaries in the defense of an abused horse and, in the end, finds a solution that involves everyone to everyone's benefit. I think Ravi has a great future in politics *Laugh*. Your story is written with a natural flow that keeps the reader engaged the entire time. I love that you're not afraid of using words that hold the meanings you want regardless of common usage. Great images bring the story off the page and allow the reader to "see" what is happening... from the sad condition of the horse, to the blustery formidle Karia, to little sister who watches helplessly. Great characters, great meaning, great story!

*Balloon4* Technical Notes:
I saw nothing worth commenting on... this is a story meant to read and enjoy and that's just what I did *Laugh*

Overall Rating/Final Thoughts:
*Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* Brilliantly composed. A fun and enjoyable read. Bravo!

Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It’s offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback… nothing more.

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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743
743
Review of The Song of Life  
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Koyel *Smile*

I hope the job search is going well. Congratulations again on getting your Master's. It is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "The Song of Life"  [E] as part of "Let's Publish! Discuss and Talk"  [18+].

*Balloon1* First Impression/Thoughts:
A heart warming and gentle remembrance of spring.

*Balloon2* Creativity/Impact:
Excellent form! I'll admit - I'm one of the "iambically challenged" people *Laugh* - but even I could hear that you found the right rhythm and meter for this wonderful sonnet.

*Balloon3* Content:
You tell of the coming of spring. Your imagery is solid, bringing forth the wonders of the season as nature gives rise to a rebirth. The new blossoms, the lushness of the fields, the joyous rambunciousness of spring lambs - you've captured the season in your flowing words.

*Balloon4* Technical Notes:
This was perfect! Congratulations on the recognition - well deserved.

Overall Rating/Final Thoughts:
*Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* A really great read that brought back many wonderous memories of my own. Thank you for sharing this beautiful vision and your talent with me today.

Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It’s offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback… nothing more.

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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744
744
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Prosperous Snow celebrating

My name is Ken and it is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "Fall Leaves and Memories"  [13+].

*Balloon1* First Impression/Thoughts:
Awww. I didn't see this as bitter - sad for sure, but not bitter.

*Balloon2* Creativity/Impact:
I really like how you've taken the autumn season - a time of change and the end of the warmth of summer - and woven this into the loss of love. It seems to work really well and the images fit with the melancholy of your words.

*Balloon3* Content:
You write of the fall season - how the wind and leaves tumble about and how memories - long thought gone are lifted and brought back into your life. You phrasing is very powerful - "memories which I sold but could not shed..." An excellent image that really brings home the feelings of unforgotten loss. I did have some confusion with your ending. "poem range" didn't make sense to me. I think I know what your were going for but that's the problem - I don't know and I think most will find this stops them from getting the full impact of your close "lines change." The tie-in of poetry and the end of love is wonderfully succinct and powerful.

*Balloon4* Technical Notes:
The Diatelle is really meant to be centered for effect. I'm sure you know how to use the site's ML to accomplish this *Smile*... That said, I'm not aware that it is mandatory so I will leave that decision to you (although - LOL - the resulting diamond shape and it's normal affiliation with love might work well with this!)

Overall Rating/Final Thoughts:
*Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* and a *Halfstar* I think you've done the form justice and used it well in this sad write of love lost and memories recalled. Thank you for sharing these melancholy moments with me...

Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It’s offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback… nothing more.

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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745
745
Review of Leaves of Joy  
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Koyel~writing again

It's just me - Ken. It's been a while since I've read you. I'm impressed with how much you've grown as a poet *Smile*. It is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "Leaves of Joy"  [E].

*Balloon1* First Impression/Thoughts:
What a wonderful poem you've created. This tells a whole story in a really confined space. It reminded me of the famous O. Henry story "Gift of the Magi."

*Balloon2* Creativity/Impact:
A very introspective but engrossing tale. You've wrapped this in strong emotion and it comes across well.

*Balloon3* Content:
You tell of a wife, forced by circumstance, to sell something she loved - and found, in return, a renewal of love. Pretty good trade, I'd say *Laugh*

*Balloon4* Technical Notes:
You've used the form well. I like that you reached outside the box for your rhymes but that's also a weakness. Rich rhymes (using homonyms such as rained/reigned) is perfectly acceptable but due to the identical sounds, it tends to make the poem read more like free verse than rhyme.

Overall Rating/Final Thoughts:
*Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* and a *Halfstar* I thought you used the form to full advantage and - in spite of the rhymes *Smile* - I thoroughly enjoyed reading this. You've certainly told a touching story and I applaud your effort. Thank you, Koyel, for sharing this warm story and your growing talent with me.

Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It’s offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback… nothing more.

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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746
746
Review of If I Could  
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi percy goodfellow

My name is Ken - and, as promised (or maybe threatened LOL) - I'm back *Smile*. It is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "If I Could "  [E].

*Balloon1* First Impression/Thoughts:
Excellent! You've captured that melancholy feeling that overtakes us all when we think back and wonder - what if?

*Balloon2* Creativity/Impact:
This is certainly a subject that's been covered many times in poetry but the form and your words make this flow with a fresh feeling.

*Balloon3* Content:
The wistfulness of your words come across clearly and carry the reader along with you back to the springtime - whether it's a season or youth is left up to the reader which makes this much more personal and engrossing. If I had to offer a suggestion, it would be the very opening "Why?" It's a question that sets up the poem but is never answered and seems to be in response to the title. I understand what you did but it took a moment *Laugh*.

Your center line (line 8) gave me a moment's hesitation. You write "Listen as the whippoorwill sold my lover's sigh." I'm not sure what "sold" implies in this context. "Sang" or "night bird echoes"... came to my mind. Just a thought.

*Balloon4* Technical Notes:
I'm glad the suggestions for {center} worked out. Just for your reference, you may want to add http://www.writing.com/main/tools/action/writingml... to your favorites. It contains all the different codes you can use on the site for varying text, color, size, and even adding emoticons *Smile*.

I also notice that you capitalize every line. Certainly, it's an accepted practice but when working with such a strict form, you may want to forego it since it tends to break up the flow of thoughts. Typically, we see captalization as the beginning of a new sentence so there's a natural tendency to stop. Again, just a thought - tailor your practices to what works for the form.

Overall Rating/Final Thoughts:
*Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* and a *Halfstar* You've used the form to great advantage. Your thoughts are clear, the flow is smooth, and you've created a beautiful poem from a difficult form. Well done! *Thumbsup* Thank you for sharing your poetic vision and talents with me today. I look forward to reading more of your work.

Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It’s offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback… nothing more.

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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747
747
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Dave

My name is Ken (we met briefly earlier today LOL) and it is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "My Journey to Becoming a Writer"  [E].

*Star* First Thoughts/Impressions:
You mean writers are made and not born? *Shock* Seriously, I see many parallels between us (not the least is age and its wonderful perspective). You've captured the true heart of the writer - it's mostly about desire. So much can learned but the need to write is either there or not.

*Star* Creativity:
Each individual's story is unique. I like that you traced this back so far, for that's where the love of the written word really begins. This is a terrfic piece for parents as well as aspiring writers although I fear most wouldn't see the message.

*Star* Content:
Traced from scribbling notes through the process of living and learning, this is a really well told tale of your development as a writer and as a person. The description of your muse (motivation and inspiration) is really an "aha" moment for readers, I imagine. So many will stop and say "Hey - that's me." I also appreciate that you use language that's comfortable to you and not try and "dumb it down."

*Star* Technical Notes:
Other than the rather cliched reference to food at the end (just pulling your leg), I saw nothing to comment on. The grammar and writing style are superior. The structure and developement of the story is well thought out and follows logically... Overall: Well done. *Thumbsup*

Overall Rating/Final Thoughts:
*Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* Not for your ego - for your talent *Smile* A well written and instructive story that many will identify with. Thank you for sharing yourself and your talents with me today.

Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It’s offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback… nothing more.

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken
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748
748
Review of The Mailman  
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Jaye P. Marshall

Well, you're a character lover, huh? *Smile* I totally agree with you. People are the most fascinating creatures... and mailmen are surely the unseen observers of life. It is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "The Mailman"  [13+].

*Star* First Thoughts:
Even paranoids have enemies *Laugh*. An interesting tale of how the mind works brought to life in this glimpse of a life and what drove it.

*Star* Creativity:
Unique. I can't say that I've ever read anything quite like it - and I say that in a good way *Smile*. The format - a story within a story within a story - was creative and enlightening.

*Star* Content:
This is the story of Jack and what drove him in his life. I found the character's were well formed but secondary to the plot. This really was a psychological story that went into the mind of the main character, exploring what drove his actions and decisions throughout his life. His distrust of the government is not an uncommon theme that we see daily so I felt this was very contemporary in its subject. My only disappointment was I wish you had come back to the present at the end. The enigma of Jack was nicely wrapped up but the questions that must have remained could have provided a more satisfying ending... We, the readers, understood but Bill will never know. Ending on the apparent enigma would have brought us back to today instead of leaving us knowledgable but suspended in the past.

*Star* Technical Notes:
This was a complete story and you're style and the techincial aspects of your writing are rock solid. I did notice in the beginning (paragraph 4) that there was a typo. "May be" is one word. About half way, when Bill pulls up to the apartment, you mention that the manager was "looking to be in his mid-fifties." Actually, he was *Laugh* Just a bit of awkward phrasing. When they discover the body, there's a spacing issue with gasp and "Oh my God." Just a few minor observations - certainly nothing that detracts from the story itself.

Overall Rating/Final Thoughts:
*Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* and a *Halfstar* I thoroughly enjoyed reading this. I think the story tells as much about the writer as Jack. *Smile*. It's obvious that you spent time really trying to conjure up what would drive someone to become a hoarder - and you've done a really good job of explaining why mail I'm expecting is often late or lost *Laugh*. Thank you for an enjoyable and entertaining read. Well done.

Yes, I'm returning your autoaward GPs *Smile*

Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It’s offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback… nothing more.

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken
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749
749
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Jaye *Smile*

Sorry it took so long to start. It is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "Lizzie’s Unforgettable Dance"  [E].

*Star* First Impressions:
A well told tale! It had an authentic feel about it, recalling the great western stories that I was brought up on.

*Star* Creativity:
A nice creation. You've taken the prompts and woven a warm story of the Old West. This is a "slice of life" story - not focused on the cliched tales that typify this genre - but on the people of the time. You transport the reader to a time and place not ususally focused on and bring it all alive with great images, engaging characters, and stay true to the era in your language and your character's actions.

*Star* Content:
Rule one for short fiction is limit the time period. You write of a day in the life of Lizzie, a young woman of the time, and her meeting with an "older" *Laugh* man at a church social. You develop Lizzie's character through dialogue and interactions with her mother in a realistic manner. I felt, by the end of the story, that I actually knew her. That's a great accomplishment in under 3,000 words. I think your use of imagery - such as "Everyone turned to where Reverend Thomas stood on a crate in front of a long plank table set up on saw horses." while not overpowering, provided great settings that suggested rather than laid out where this was happening. This allows the reader to "fill in the blanks" and pulls the reader into the story as a participant. A really subtle but excellent device.

*Star* Technical Notes:
I think there was a misplaced comma but darn if I can find it again *Laugh* If that's all I could find, I think you can rest assure that this was a well crafted and well thought out write. Excellent work.

Overall Rating/Final Thoughts:
*Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* I think many would miss a lot of the subtleties of this story which is a shame. Your storytelling abilities shine here by engaging the reader's emotions and your ending is perfect allowing each of us to write the next chapter. Thank you for a great lesson in writing, an enjoyable read, and for sharing your talent with me today.

I'm returning your autoaward GPs - reading was sufficient reward *Smile*

Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It’s offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback… nothing more.

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken
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750
750
Review of Sunflower  
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Have a sunshiny day!

My name is Ken and it is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "Sunflower"  [E].

*Star* First Thoughts:
A wonderful reminiscence about nature and her beauty.

*Star* Creativity:
You took a literal approach to the prompt but you took it beyond the picture and gave us a beautiful reminder of nature and her cycles of birth and rebirth.

*Star* Content:
Great imagery! *Smile* I love the thought of sunflowers "posing" for photographs. They do, don't they *Laugh* I did have a moments hesitation with seeds falling "like lace" but what do I know? I'm not a "lace" kind of guy.

*Star* Technical Notes:
I think you did the form proud! A nice flow and solid rhymes keeps this moving in a natural cadence. Line 8 - to my ear, "life and worth are done." I'm not a punctuation expert but I don't think you need the apostrophe in "one's". To me - it would indicate a milliion flowers would bloom in a specific spot which isn't what you meant.

Overall Rating/Final Thoughts:
*Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* and a *Halfstar* Bravo! You've created a beautiful poem that captures the warmth and vibrancy of sunflowers. Thank you so much for sharing your wonderful talent with me today.

P.S. I see you've taken on a certain "sunflower" glow to your case. Congratulations! Well deserved.

Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It’s offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback… nothing more.

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken
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