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3,125 Public Reviews Given
3,266 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Honest but encouraging *Smile* I use an outline (form)to make sure I've covered all the bases but within that, it's pure dialogue. Let's talk about your write.
I'm good at...
Short Stories and better at Poetry
Favorite Genres
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Public Reviews
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726
726
Review of God's Snowball  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Hyperiongate Author Icon

My name is Ken – aka 🌖 HuntersMoon Author Icon - and it is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "God's Snowball" Open in new Window. [13+].

*NoteB* First Impression/Thoughts:
Brilliant as always... a great tale, well told. I loved the ending - perfect! In fact, it was "good to the last..." *Pthb*

*NoteO* Creativity/Impact:
While mostly narrative (a pitfall of the 300 word limit) you managed to capture this reader's imagination and pulled me into the story.

*NoteG* Content:
You tell of the near-end of the world - or at least the end of man's involvement with the world. One man see's the truth and prepares and leaves a legacy of hope.

*NoteR* Technical Notes:
Try as I might - I could find nothing to tease you about! This was a complete well written story in every sense of the word.

Overall Rating/Final Thoughts:
*Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* How could I rate this less? *Smile* Wonderfully engaging and a teriffic read! Thank you for sharing your wonderful imagination and talent with me.

Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It’s offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback… nothing more.

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken

Don’t forget to vote! "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.


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727
727
Review of Gazing  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi JACE Author Icon

My name is Ken (you didn't think you'd escape, did you? *Laugh*) – aka 🌖 HuntersMoon Author Icon - and it is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "Gazing" Open in new Window. [E].

*NoteB* First Impression/Thoughts:
Finding peace on a cross-country ski trip. Nice strong imagery - from the exertion of skiing to finding a respite in the solitude of a moment's discovery.

*NoteO* Creativity/Impact:
The rhymes of this form are very subtle and add the poetic feel to what otherwise would be viewed as vers libre. You tell a complete story with this that engages the reader and takes the common place from mundane to magic.

*NoteG* Content:
Great use of the senses. From the "pants, wet with sweat and caked with ice" to "breath hanging like clouds." You bring the reader into this poem as a participant - not just an observer. My only suggestion would be your final line - "our senses gazing." Since "gazing" is such a visual word, it struck me as a mixed metaphor when combined with "senses". What jumped into my mind was "in silence, praising." I have no idea why LOL. I understand the tie-in to your title and I have no suggestions. I think it could stand alone without being used in the poem itself.

*NoteR* Technical Notes:
Minor technical suggestions only - such as a comma needed at the end of line 1. You might want to also consider a semicolon at the end of line 1, stanza 4 since you have two complete sentences without a conjunction. Nothing I saw detracts in the least from the content and story you tell. A solid write and perfect form.

Overall Rating/Final Thoughts:
*Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* A difficult form, masterfully used to draw the reader into this moment of discovery. I thought the poem worked well. Thank you for sharing your imagination and your talent with me today.

Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It’s offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback… nothing more.

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken
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728
728
Review of Frozen Eden  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi aralls

My name is Ken (as if you didn't know LOL) – aka 🌖 HuntersMoon Author Icon - and it is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "Frozen Eden" Open in new Window. [E].

*NoteB* First Impression/Thoughts:
Bravo! What a wonderful write that find the peace and tranquility of the image and brings it off the page to the reader's senses.

*NoteO* Creativity/Impact:
Tough form *Laugh* deftly handled. The rhyme is subtle and this reads almost story like in form, carrying the reader down the beautiful path you've woven with your words.

*NoteG* Content:
You write (based on the prompt) of "a haven of nature" and it's wonderful aspects. Nothing arcane - simple words flow in the beautiful imagery to carry the reader to this place you've created.

*NoteR* Technical Notes:
The form was perfect - difficult - but perfectly executed. The write was flawless in all aspects.

Overall Rating/Final Thoughts:
*Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* Well done! What a really terrific write with an unusal form. Thank you for sharing your imaginatin and talent with me today.

Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It’s offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback… nothing more.

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken
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729
729
Review of William Tell-ish  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Hyperiongate Author Icon

Blah, blah, blah - you know the drill LOL. My name is Ken – aka 🌖 HuntersMoon Author Icon - and it is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "William Tell-ish" Open in new Window. [13+].

*NoteB* First Impression/Thoughts:
A very witty and well told tale of school shenanigans... love your descriptions! You are the master of understatement! LOL

*NoteO* Creativity/Impact:
Great weaving of the prompts into a schoolyard tale of kids being kids. It was totally engaging.

*NoteG* Content:
Love how you write! You use the language of the kids to paint a great picture of this moment in time. From "gigantic breasts" on lunch ladies (ahhh, I remember her well LOL) to the fainting Eddie, you weave your magic into this wonderful short.

*NoteR* Technical Notes:
Give me a break *Laugh* This is - as ususal - well concieved, well written, and especially well received!

Overall Rating/Final Thoughts:
*Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* Another great tale from your imaginative mind. Thanks for sharing this bit of reality based whimsy with me today. Excellent!

Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It’s offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback… nothing more.

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken
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730
730
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Lew Author Icon

My name is Ken – aka 🌖 HuntersMoon Author Icon - and it is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "Memories of a time that wasn’t bad" Open in new Window. [E].

*NoteB* First Impression/Thoughts:
A poem of lost love, of pain, of searching for release.

*NoteO* Creativity/Impact:
I thought you brought out true emotion in this write and made a really good attemp at using the English Sonnet form.

*NoteG* Content:
You write of losing love - through your own actions; of the pain it gives you, of your desire for release. Strong emotional images make this readily identifiable to most readers. I applaud your rhymes although I'm not sure "satiated" is the right word you were looking for - it actually means satisifed to the point of boredom.

*NoteR* Technical Notes:
A Shakespearean, or English, sonnet consists of 14 lines, each line containing ten syllables and written in iambic pentameter, in which a pattern of an unemphasized syllable followed by an emphasized syllable is repeated five times. The rhyme scheme in a Shakespearean sonnet is a-b-a-b, c-d-c-d, e-f-e-f, g-g; the last two lines are a rhyming couplet. Since I am personally iambically challenged *Smile* I'll not comment on the rhythm. That said, the strict syllable count is a requirement and you range from 7 to 14 syllables in your lines. Only 4 lines meet the 10 syllable requirement. This gives your write a choppy feel - not the smooth rhthym that a sonnet requires. (Just as an aside, "sonnet" mean little song *Smile* which gives you an idea of how it should flow.)

Overall Rating/Final Thoughts:
*Star* *Star* *Star* and a *Halfstar* Not a bad try for a first effort. I applaud your attempt - I know I've never been successful in writing an English sonnet so I can appreciate the difficulty. I certainly think you've capturd the emotional content you were looking for - but the form needs some additional work. Don't be discouraged - just keep trying and I'm sure your talent will prevail. Thank you for sharing this with me today...

Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It’s offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback… nothing more.

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken
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731
731
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Tadpole1 Author Icon

My name is Ken – aka 🌖 HuntersMoon Author Icon - and it is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "The Dancer and the Mannequin" Open in new Window. [E].

*NoteB* First Impression/Thoughts:
A wicked tale of life imitating art... or vice versa *Laugh*

*NoteO* Creativity/Impact:
I really liked the subtle twist of this tale... from pages of art to the reality of life. There is a darkness, more felt than seen, that you've woven into this short tale of the macabre.

*NoteG* Content:
You tell of a dancer who is consumed by her part and becomes the character she plays. In the forgotten attic of a store, her ability to be the character proves a saving grace but opens the tale up to more than just the 300 words used. Nicely done.

*NoteR* Technical Notes:
From a technical viewpoint, the bervity of the story forced you to compress the tale. Those not familiar with the ballet Giselle will be unfamiliar with your character. This causes the reader to have to connect very disparate dots in order to fully understand the tale. I hope that you'll revisit this and add the backstory and additional details that will make this truely shine.

Overall Rating/Final Thoughts:
*Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* A very dark and interesting tale. I felt it suffered a bit from the compressed format but I love the core story and hope that you'll follow up on it. Thank you for sharing this glimpse into the darker side of yourself and your talent with me today. I'm returning your GP's - reading this was payment enough.

Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It’s offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback… nothing more.

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken
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732
732
Review of Ben's  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi An apple a day.... Author Icon

My name is Ken (you may vaguely recall LOL) – aka 🌖 HuntersMoon Author Icon - and it is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "Ben's" Open in new Window. [E].

*NoteB* First Impression/Thoughts:
Very interesting and amusing. I like that you used a (mostly *Smile*) limerick form. Most people don't really appreciate the versatility of the form.

*NoteO* Creativity/Impact:
I thought this was very clever - a simple trip to a restraunt -with a humorous twist at the end.

*NoteG* Content:
In both form and content, this light hearted look at a dinner gathering is very well done and engaging to the reader.

*NoteR* Technical Notes:
In general, the limerick form was followed. My only recommendation would be that you try to keep the rhyming lines the same length within each stanza (i.e. abe should be the same count; cd should be the same count). This will help the flow a bit. As a practical example - your opening stanza is 8/9/5/4/9. Dropping "such" in line 2, and "more" in line 5 would smooth out the rhythm.

Overall Rating/Final Thoughts:
*Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* and a *Halfstar* Well done. This was filled with a gentle humor (unlike most limericks LOL) and worked really well in this form. Thank you for sharing a smile and your wonderful talent with me today.

Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It’s offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback… nothing more.

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken
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733
733
Review of Trail Of Smiles  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Hyperiongate Author Icon

My name is Ken (yeah, you know that already LOL) – aka 🌖 HuntersMoon Author Icon - and it is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "Trail Of Smiles" Open in new Window. [13+]. My apologies for taking so long to get this review done *Smile* - I'm just slow, I guess *Laugh* but I always keep my word!

*NoteB* First Impression/Thoughts:
What a terrific story! I love the futuristic setting but the everyday concerns, feelings, emotions... This is a wonderful character study and I think you've done yourself proud with this.

*NoteO* Creativity/Impact:
OK - not to get mushy *Laugh* but this is a borderline tearjerker. The relief at the end extends to the reader as well as Jacob. You write with a simple directness that touches the emotions. Outstanding story!

*NoteG* Content:
You tell of a future that is painted in dullness; a future that seems bleak and uncaring. And yet, you find the humanity in that distant time and allow the value of a smile to still be recognized for what it's worth - everything! Not that I would change a word, but I saw Jacob, at the conclusion to be at his end of the titled trail... I don't know if it would be worthwhile to see if you could wrap that into the story since the title is only mentioned once mid-story. Perhaps it's too obvious but it was just a thought.

*NoteR* Technical Notes:
As I've come to expect, Jim - this was a flawless write. I'm sure someone could nit-pick that comma could be used here or a word changed there but I'd hope you'd reject any such considerations. The flow of the story is keeps the reader moving and your crisp writing reflects the sparseness of this future world you've created. I see this as a perfect match of style and subject.

Overall Rating/Final Thoughts:
*Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* What other superlatives can I share? I loved this tale. lt is a classic tale of the future with a hyperiongate twist of humanity. Thank you for sharing this tale and your impressive talent with me today. Of course, I'm returning your GPs. Reading this was sufficient reward *Smile*

Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It’s offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback… nothing more.

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken
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734
734
Review of Sold  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Africangirl Author Icon

My name is Ken – aka 🌖 HuntersMoon Author Icon - and it is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "Sold" Open in new Window. [13+].

*NoteB* First Impression/Thoughts:
A dark, thought provoking story (?) that reminds us that evil still roams the world. As you point out, like the ostrich - sticking our heads in the sand doesn't make it go away - it just keeps it from our view. Thank you for pulling our heads out and reminding us.

*NoteO* Creativity/Impact:
I genuinely liked your approach - the vignette that laid out the basis for concern - followed by the self-realization and self questioning as you brought the story into the context of your own life. I thought it was very effective way of bringing this to the reader and allowing them to discover their own relationship with this dark tale.

*NoteG* Content:
You recount the tale of a young Cambodian girl who has been consumed by the sex trade and, who, it seems, has met her end at the hands of the unscrupulous people who profit from it. You then relate this back to your own situation and ask the unanswerable questions that we all have - how can this happen? A poignant tale that surely touches most readers. My only recommendation would be regarding the rating. Since the subject matter is mature and you use some cursing, I'd recommend raising this to 13+ just to comply with the site's guidelines.

*NoteR* Technical Notes:
This story is definitely content over form. I saw the following minor errors that in no way detract from the story or its impact:
Line 1: Replace the period with a comma at the end of the opening quote. This is a complete thought and the period just breaks the flow. After "betray him" in the final sentece of paragraph 1, use a semi-colon instead of a comma. These are two independent clauses not joined by a connector word such as and. In paragraph 4, you say he ran his hands "through his almost bold scalp..." I think you meant "bald". Overall, I think you did very well in writing this - and minor blemishes such as these don't diminish a well told tale.

Overall Rating/Final Thoughts:
*Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* and a *Halfstar* This was a powerful and emotional write. It's evident from your words that you found a very personal story. Great emotion makes for great stories and you've done an excellent job with this. Thank you for sharing your talent with me today and I look forward to reading more of your work.

Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It’s offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback… nothing more.

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken
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735
735
Review of This, For You  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi JACE Author Icon

My name is Ken (as if you didn't know LOL) – aka 🌖 HuntersMoon Author Icon - and it is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "This, For You" Open in new Window. [E].

*NoteB* First Impression/Thoughts:
Even though this was written a while ago, I noticed that you'd revisited it recently. That, alone, was enough to pique my interest since I know that I don't often go back to "finished" pieces unless they call to me or they mean something more than a passing thought or challenge. I can see why you came back - this is more than a lyric - it's a personal declaration to someone you love.

*NoteO* Creativity/Impact:
OK - I'm not a real mushy guy (nor am I in a relationship like this now) so I read this with just a touch of detachment. I love the refrain or hook "This, for you." I thought it was very open ended and allowed a great deal of flexibility in structuring the song. You really should post the music somewhere and add a link. While I felt the emotions were genuine, some of the phrasing was a bit cliched (even in 2008 LOL).

*NoteG* Content:
You write of your love - both in symbol and in feelings - in this song. I thought the rhymes were solid and phrasing consistent in terms of rhythm. I could feel the smooth flow of this and am sure that some of the "I've heard this before" feelings I had would disappate with the addition of music. I do like the solid rhymes (yes, even represents/hence *Smile*)

*NoteR* Technical Notes:
As I said - I saw nothing to comment on. This was very well written and there were no obvious errors. I like that you switched up the rhyme order for the bridge - it adds an element of interest in the rhythm and really works well here.

Overall Rating/Final Thoughts:
*Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* and a *Halfstar* I was torn in rating this. With the music, some of my concerns would go away I think. As a poem, I think this shows a wonderful maturity in the form and execution of this. Even though it's been said before, you've managed to bring it out in a different light which helps it feel newer. You might want to consider adding the music to something like a powerpoint file and overdubbing the music with the words (I'm not asking you to sing *Laugh*). Posted to youtube, the link could then be included in your notes. Just a thought... Thank you for allowing me to share in your talent today...

Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It’s offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback… nothing more.

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken
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736
736
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi willowonez Author Icon

My name is Ken (as if you didn't know LOL) and it is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "Nicholas' Water Balloon War" Open in new Window. [E].

*Star* First Impression/Thoughts:
A cute story - one that shows the wonder of the small events in our life. Too many think that that writing is about creating magical worlds with fictional characters. Not so - and you have delivered a warm and human story with this recounting.

*Star* Creativity/Impact:
This is unique to your life - how much more creative can one get? *Smile* From a writing perspective, I think you could have increased the impact a bit by starting off with a bang (literally *Laugh*) Perhaps opening the story with some action from the water balloon fight and then pulling back and building the foundation. Just a thought - not a fault.

*Star* Content:
You've done a great job of giving the readers everything they need to understand the who, what, when , and where. Since I am a poet by temperment, I think adding more descriptors would help flesh this out a bit. Just as a "ferinstance" - you mention the hot Georgia summer nights. (Been there, done that LOL) My recollections go something like - When you walk out the door,the first thing you notice is the tickling. Persperation blossoms like the magnolias that scent the air in the summer nights in Georgia. The more you can involve the reader's senses, the more "into" the story they can get. It's not just a story - it's an experience.

*Star* Technical Notes:
There were a few minor mistakes that I'm sure, on rereading, you'd find on your own. A few examples:
Line one: "I really like my neighborhood, more specifically my cul-de-sac." Rather than a comma, a semicolon would work better since your not using a connecting word like "and."
"Hot Georgia summer nights what could be..." again - I'd either use a period (or even an exclamation point) and make the rest into a separate sentence.

Overall Rating/Final Thoughts:
*Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* I really liked this tale of community. There's little enough left anymore and we all need reminding that it's still there. A really good tale that, with a little polish, with find its full shine. Thank you for sharing this and your talent with me today. Yes, I'm returning your GPs. Reading this was reward enough *Smile*

Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It’s offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback… nothing more.

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken
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737
737
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Joshua Pilger Author Icon

My name is Ken and it is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "Terror in the Night" Open in new Window. [E] as part of "Merit Badge Bonanza Player's Chart" Open in new Window. [E]

*Ornament1G* First Impression/Thoughts:
I think you've captured the fear of being alone in a house (and in your mind) very nicely. I could easily identify with the feelings your words portrayed which makes the impact all that much more. Nicely done.

*Ornament1V* Creativity/Impact:
Nice alliteration and use of words really brings out the creepy/scary qualities of this psychological poem. The overall flow carries - with a few bumps in the night *Laugh* - the reader through your thoughts and feelings.

*Ornament1S* Content:
You describe a dark night where your aloneness dredges up feelings of fear - and even the most innocent of the occurences are transformed by the unknown into monsters in your mind. I think your descriptions are well done and you've covered the full gamut - from creakings noises to the wind to the shadows playing on the walls.

*Ornament1Y* Technical Notes:
I saw only minor grammatical or spelling errors. Stanza 4, line 3 "silence of the night."

Personally, I think adding some punctuation would help (although it's not required) such as in Stanza 2. In line 2, a simple period after "bang" allows the reader to pause before you shift focus from what's going on outside to what's happening inside your mind. This adds clarity. Since you choose to capitalize each line (which typically indicates a new thought), adding a little punctuation will help the reader follow your thoughts.

The meter (think syllables per line) vary from 6 to 11 which makes this read a bit choppy. Consider extending some of the shorter lines to smooth out the flow. Good solid perfect rhymes really add to the ease of reading! Well done.

Overall Rating/Final Thoughts:
*Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* I think you've created a really good poem. A little adjustment to some of the technical aspects will make it flow a bit better and allow the reader to stay "in the poem" rather than being . The content is spot on. Thank you for sharing your talent and imagination with me today. Well done. I'm returning your auto-reward GPs - I get as much from a review as (hopefully *Smile* you do! No other reward is needed.

Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It’s offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback… nothing more.

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken
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738
738
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi JACE Author Icon

It's just me, Ken. Thank you for the invitation. It is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "Forecast: Memories" Open in new Window. [E].

*Leaf1* First Impression/Thoughts:
What wonderful memories you've captured in your words. What an undertaking *Laugh*. While the form is free verse in style, you've kept the poetic feel to this that's so necessary to keep the flow of this moving the reader from the opening words to the final warm thoughts. You open this by citing the prompt - and I think you've done a wonderful job of integrating and interpreting the prompt in your own words and feelings.

*Leaf2* Creativity/Impact:
This is a unique tale - your memory - but it has common roots that many will identify with so it will find a home in many of the reader's hearts. The form - a Sestina - really works well and supports the flow of the story without feeling forced or artificial. Well done, sir!

*Leaf3* Content:
Unlike many of this type of poem, you've taken a page from your life and given us the whole picture... from first flakes of snow and the wonderful anticipation that it brings to your and your brothers through "Mom's reality" of work before play to the heart of your poem - a day of togetherness - sledding with your siblings and the wonderful feel of family in a warm kitchen as you thaw out *Laugh*.

*Leaf4* Technical Notes:
OK - let's get picky (LOL). I've only written one Sestina so I don't claim any expertise but it seems that you've been true to the form. My only comment would be the use of fall/falls since it does change the word slightly. I've done some reading and don't see where it matters particulary but if one were to be picky... *Smile*

The technical aspects - spelling, punctuation, word choice - are all spot on. Nothing to comment on.

Overall Rating/Final Thoughts:
*Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* This is a truely lovely memory recalled in unique form. Like the cocoa - it leaves the reader warm and content. Thank you for sharing your talent and I wish you the best of luck in the contest.

Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work. It is provided solely for your use and is offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback… nothing more.

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken
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739
739
Review of The Jazz Festival  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Rockin' Reviewers - Award ...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Connie...

Just a note to tell you how much I enjoyed this story. I'm a sucker for happy endings (LOL).

I thought you did great with your descriptions - I could see the hub bub in packing up, the kids being kids, and the park where the festival was being held. I commend you for keeping the story simple and not rambling off into some long tirade about the importance of parents to never be complacent. Your story speaks volumes and I think the direct approach you took was very effective.

Well told and a pleasure to read... Thank you for sharing your talent and your tale...

Ken
740
740
In affiliation with Spook-tator Sports Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Ben! *Smile*

Thank you for highlighting this wonderful musing. It is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "Whither Gods, Distracted?" Open in new Window. [E].

*Leaf1* First Impression/Thoughts:
How many times have we sat somewhere, thinking of the "what-ifs" in life, and passed a journey musing on the vagaries of fate? You've captured those moments in this gentle, thoughtful write.

*Leaf2* Creativity/Impact:
I appreciate your bringing in the "old Gods" into this. They were, after all, the ones who most directly interacted with us *Smile*. I think the use of iambic heptameter really supported the flow and storyline of this rather than the more staccato feel of tetrameter.

*Leaf3* Content:
A smooth flow of this carries the reader through this journey from "fumbling for change" to the soft musings of a future filled with children to the final realization that you're just strangers passing in a moment in time.

*Leaf4* Technical Notes:
While I'm the first to admit that I'm one of life's "iambically challenged" - try as I might, I saw nothing to comment on. I thought you did a terrific job on capturing the meter and matching it to a natural language flow (mostly *Smile*). Solid perfect rhymes supported this poem and added to the gentle feel.

Overall Rating/Final Thoughts:
*Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* A lovely way to start the day! Your poetry is always first rate but this was really a great read. I fear it will be overlooked for more spectacular subjects (or worse - more prosaic writes). This was a beautiful write and I appreciate the gentle nature of the subject and your display of talent in creating this.

Keep the GPs *Smile* Reading this was payment enough.

Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It’s offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback… nothing more.

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken
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741
741
Review of Raven's Awakening  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi ghost Author Icon

My name is Ken and it is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "Raven's Awakening" Open in new Window. [13+].

*Balloon1* First Impression/Thoughts:
A wickedly told tale to transmigration. So that's what happens! *Laugh*

*Balloon2* Creativity/Impact:
Very clever - the transformation was handled well and the focus on the "new" life was very interesting. Quite an enjoyable read.

*Balloon3* Content:
You describe a horrible death and talk of a rebirth in the form of a raven. Once the human plane is left, the world takes on a different focus in your new guise. Very interesting and creative way to take the prompt. Well done.

*Balloon4* Technical Notes:
Technically, very little to comment on. Second stanza - typically special symbols (+) aren't used in poetry - use the word "20-plus." Stanza 4 starts out "now I awake, on top of mine own grave." You need to capitalize the first word, make I (I'm} and it should be "my grave."

Overall Rating/Final Thoughts:
*Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* and a *Halfstar* The meter is a bit rough but you've told a complete and engaging story with this. Funny - I took the prompt a totally different direction which I guess was the purpose of this exercise. Thank you for sharing your imagination and talent with me today.

Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It’s offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback… nothing more.

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken

** Image ID #1577563 Unavailable **
742
742
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Cleverly done! A great story filled with warmth and humanity. My only recommendation would be to check the title - I think you meant "Wrestler"...

This is a winner, for sure!

Ken
743
743
Review of Survivor  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Good morning, Jim...

Once more, you're imagination has "done you proud." *Smile* It is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "Survivor" Open in new Window. [18+].

*Balloon1* First Impression/Thoughts:
Ahhh the old "hiding under the porch on Mars" theme *Laugh* A great lead in for a continuing tale of intrigue.

*Balloon2* Creativity/Impact:
Taking the mystery and setting it on another planet lends a heightened sense of intrigue to this. Who are the "out-worlders?" Where did they spring from?

*Balloon3* Content:
Solid plot set up. For such a short piece, you did a wonderful job of setting the scene... great descriptions of the environment and the fear factors that begin this tale of mystery.

*Balloon4* Technical Notes:
One minor typo -In paragraph 4 you wrote "Marian" intstead of "Martian" but other than that, this was perfect.

Overall Rating/Final Thoughts:
*Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* You really must follow up on some of these - I'd love to read the longer version! Thank you once more for sharing your imagination and talents with me.

Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It’s offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback… nothing more.

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
** Image ID #1577563 Unavailable **
** Image ID #1583244 Unavailable **

744
744
Review of Steamer Trunk  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Lou-Here By His Grace Author Icon

My name is Ken and it is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "Steamer Trunk" Open in new Window. [E].

*Balloon1* First Impression/Thoughts:
Nicely done *Smile* This felt very much like the final quatrain of a villanelle used repetitively.

*Balloon2* Creativity/Impact:
The image of an old trunk filled with memories was very nicely conveyed. I didn't get a clear image of "love" - more one of longing.

*Balloon3* Content:
Perhaps it's just me but I thought the second stanza should have been the opening. The opening stanza seemed out of context without the introduction of the trunk - central to the theme and the source for your refrain. Your parallel of the trunk and your heart was nicely done and effective.

*Balloon4* Technical Notes:
I saw nothing to comment on. You were true to your form and the write was error free. Well done *Thumbsup*

Overall Rating/Final Thoughts:
*Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* and a *Halfstar* I felt the poem was good but with the double refrain, it relied heavily on the lead in lines to illuminate the refrain in a different light for each stanza. The opening stanza didn't quite set the poem up for understanding. Overall, an enjoyable read and an interesting form. Thank you for sharing your poetic vision and your obvious talent with me this evening.

Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It’s offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback… nothing more.

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
** Image ID #1577563 Unavailable **
** Image ID #1583244 Unavailable **

745
745
Review of Just a Farmer  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Ben...

I will admit - I was hesitant to read this, thinking it must me some dour write about the plight of the farmers or some such. *Laugh* Boy, was I wrong! It is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "Just a Farmer" Open in new Window. [13+].

*Balloon1* First Impression/Thoughts:
Brilliance shines here - Humor is such a difficult genre; poetic humor just adds to the difficulty. You've shown a mastery of both! A terrific piece.

*Balloon2* Creativity/Impact:
I love the "one-hit-wonder" theme. It's a familiar tale in music - my poor brain had never made the leap to writers, poets, and other artists. Wonderful turn of creativity.

*Balloon3* Content:
You tell of a singular author whose claim to fame is a single best seller. The turn of phrase regarding the resultant "cash cow" was poetic genius. You had me laughing from start to finish - and, even cringing at the thought that I could identify with this. Luckily, squeezing the teats of my muse has continued to at least provide a dribble of inspiration *Laugh*

*Balloon4* Technical Notes:
It's seldom I see such quality - there were no errors of any type. Bravo.

Overall Rating/Final Thoughts:
*Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* Now how could I rate you less? This was, perhaps, the best humor piece I've read on this site. I'll keep looking *Laugh* but you've set a high standard with this. Thank you for a much needed bellylaugh today. I'm returning your GPs - just reading this was payment enough.

Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It’s offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback… nothing more.

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
** Image ID #1577563 Unavailable **
** Image ID #1583244 Unavailable **

746
746
Review of An Irish poem  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi Bob Author Icon

My name is Ken and it is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "An Irish poem" Open in new Window. [ASR].

*Balloon1* First Impression/Thoughts:
Now I know why they call it "Pun-ishment" *Laugh*. Actually, I thought this was very clever. I love puns and thought you put this together well.

*Balloon2* Creativity/Impact:
Some of the puns were a bit old but you've put them in verse and made them dance to a new tune *Laugh*

*Balloon3* Content:
You tell a series of Irish related puns in a nice, flowing rhyme. I like that you had the decency to apologize (*Laugh* - just teasing you!)

*Balloon4* Technical Notes:
This was actually well written. You have a knack for rhyme and the meter seemed to work with the humor and the structure of the poem. Well done.

Overall Rating/Final Thoughts:
*Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* and a *Halfstar* Well, I hope that this had helped you see ... the Eire of your ways *Smile* Thank you for sharing your humor and your talent with me today. Congratulations on the recognition!

Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It’s offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback… nothing more.

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
** Image ID #1577563 Unavailable **
** Image ID #1583244 Unavailable **

747
747
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi Just call me Omni Author Icon

It's just me *Smile* - Ken. I thought I would return your many kindnesses and - seeing this title - I knew this would give me a smile today. It is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "Grow your manhood here? " Open in new Window. [18+].

*Balloon1* First Impression/Thoughts:
More than just "Bob" is smiling *Laugh*. I got a chuckle out of your poetic comments about men's search for the ultimate erection.

*Balloon2* Creativity/Impact:
This is one of the classic uses of poetry - social comment. You've done it with humor and good taste, revealing the gullibility of consumers with promises of bliss for a token fee. Well done.

*Balloon3* Content:
You tell of the commercialization of "male enhancement" through the too oft seen advertising of Enzyte (don't ask how I know the name *Laugh*) and question - is that all it's worth? Through your humorous lines, you manage to show the silliness of this product while staying true to the performance promises that it makes. I smiled the entire read. Well done.

*Balloon4* Technical Notes:
I'm one of those who believe that poetic humor should not be constrained to a form. If the meter is off or the rhymes are a bit awkward - so what? The purpose is to display humor. I think you managed both, however. I thought the flow was good - a bit bumpy in places - but carried the reader along with your thoughts. The rhymes were solid. I would have split the line "They say $19.95 is what it’s worth." for consistency and for impact of the punchline ... something more like:
They say $19.95 ...
Is that all it's worth?
but, that's just me... I think it works well just as written.

Overall Rating/Final Thoughts:
*Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* and a *Halfstar* I really enjoyed this wicked jab at both the product and the silliness of men. Just to prove my point - the founder of the product was convicted on fraud charges last August for this. The judge noted that it was impossible to determine how much money was lost by customers since they were reluctant to come forward. *Laugh*

Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It’s offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback… nothing more.

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
** Image ID #1577563 Unavailable **
** Image ID #1583244 Unavailable **

748
748
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hi An apple a day.... Author Icon

It's been a while since I've had a chance to read you *Smile*. What a fascinating tale you've told here. It is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "The Fried Chicken Bank Robbers" Open in new Window. [ASR].

*Balloon1* First Impression/Thoughts:
There's nothing more facinating that real life *Laugh* An interesting story with all the plot twists of fiction but not!

*Balloon2* Creativity/Impact:
You tell the story chronologically so we - the readers - are carried along making each new discovery with you. There is a sense on anticipation that comes with writing this way and keeps the reader engaged. Nicely done.

*Balloon3* Content:
You tell of an incident where you were caught in a moment of time during a bank robbery and - unknowingly - involved your husband. As the story unfolds, a sense of the unknown begings to pervade the story - will you be discovered - where is your husband - with tantilizing clues being delivered through CNN *Smile*. Overall, you kept the mystery going and the reader involved. A fun read. From a content pespective, the last paragraph is superfluous. It doesn't really add anything to the story. The story might finish stronger with the CNN quote - but that's just my thinking. It leaves a cliff-hangar feel - one suspect still on the loose *Smile*.

*Balloon4* Technical Notes:
Well crafted! The only thing I saw was in paragraph seven you write "The bathrooms across the common hallway from our entry door were shared with the other three offices." The clause "across the hallway from our entry door" should be set off in commas.

Overall Rating/Final Thoughts:
*Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* I think this was an interesting and well told tale. Like most of our writing, there are minor changes we can make but I saw nothing here that detracted from the telling or the interest of this. Well done. *Thumbsup* Thank you for sharing is scary moment and your wonderful talent with me today.

Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It’s offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback… nothing more.

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
** Image ID #1577563 Unavailable **
** Image ID #1583244 Unavailable **

749
749
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon

It's just me - Ken - and it's been a while since I've read you. What a jewel I have stumbled upon with this warm and wonderful story. It is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "How To Make Friends, not Foes." Open in new Window. [E].

*Balloon1* First Impression/Thoughts:
You indicate this is a continuing series... I will find them *Smile* What a terrific story!

*Balloon2* Creativity/Impact:
I love the feel of this - almost a "fable" type tale (OK so the animals don't talk - sue me *Laugh*) this has all the elements that make a story totally engrossing and totally touching.

*Balloon3* Content:
You tell of Ravi and one of his many adventures. In this case, he crosses caste boundaries in the defense of an abused horse and, in the end, finds a solution that involves everyone to everyone's benefit. I think Ravi has a great future in politics *Laugh*. Your story is written with a natural flow that keeps the reader engaged the entire time. I love that you're not afraid of using words that hold the meanings you want regardless of common usage. Great images bring the story off the page and allow the reader to "see" what is happening... from the sad condition of the horse, to the blustery formidle Karia, to little sister who watches helplessly. Great characters, great meaning, great story!

*Balloon4* Technical Notes:
I saw nothing worth commenting on... this is a story meant to read and enjoy and that's just what I did *Laugh*

Overall Rating/Final Thoughts:
*Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* Brilliantly composed. A fun and enjoyable read. Bravo!

Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It’s offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback… nothing more.

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
** Image ID #1577563 Unavailable **
** Image ID #1583244 Unavailable **

750
750
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Prosperous Snow celebrating Author Icon

My name is Ken and it is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "Fall Leaves and Memories" Open in new Window. [13+].

*Balloon1* First Impression/Thoughts:
Awww. I didn't see this as bitter - sad for sure, but not bitter.

*Balloon2* Creativity/Impact:
I really like how you've taken the autumn season - a time of change and the end of the warmth of summer - and woven this into the loss of love. It seems to work really well and the images fit with the melancholy of your words.

*Balloon3* Content:
You write of the fall season - how the wind and leaves tumble about and how memories - long thought gone are lifted and brought back into your life. You phrasing is very powerful - "memories which I sold but could not shed..." An excellent image that really brings home the feelings of unforgotten loss. I did have some confusion with your ending. "poem range" didn't make sense to me. I think I know what your were going for but that's the problem - I don't know and I think most will find this stops them from getting the full impact of your close "lines change." The tie-in of poetry and the end of love is wonderfully succinct and powerful.

*Balloon4* Technical Notes:
The Diatelle is really meant to be centered for effect. I'm sure you know how to use the site's ML to accomplish this *Smile*... That said, I'm not aware that it is mandatory so I will leave that decision to you (although - LOL - the resulting diamond shape and it's normal affiliation with love might work well with this!)

Overall Rating/Final Thoughts:
*Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* and a *Halfstar* I think you've done the form justice and used it well in this sad write of love lost and memories recalled. Thank you for sharing these melancholy moments with me...

Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It’s offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback… nothing more.

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
** Image ID #1577563 Unavailable **
** Image ID #1583244 Unavailable **

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