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Bare and uncensored personal expression. Beware!!! |
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** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** "This is pretty much what journals are all about, at least to me. I knew as I wrote them that even though they provided an excellent place for brain (and heart, and psyche) dump, they were mainly a map of me." --- Colleen Wainwright "Writing gives you the illusion of control, and then you realize it's just an illusion, that people are going to bring their own stuff into it." --- David Sedaris "Please write again soon. Though my own life is filled with activity, letters encourage momentary escape into others lives and I come back to my own with greater contentment." --- Elizabeth Forsythe Hailey "In giving of myself onto these pages every day I allow myself to write regardless of the depth and meaning. I share myself with others without fear of recrimination for these are my thoughts, my feelings and my very being, and there are non who's opinion of me matters more than my own." --- Rebecca Laffar-Smith   The Writer's Round-About |
| I didn't do my twenty minutes this morning. Kaylie seems to have mostly recovered from her cold but Josh and I are hit hard. We both tossed and turned and fussed all night long and eventually gave up just after five this morning. My head is exploding and Josh won't give me five seconds alone today. I even have to sit him on my lap when I go to the toilet. He's so miserable and because I'm just as miserable as he is I can't stand seeing how upset he is. So this morning I gave myself a break. There is no point writing when you can stop shaking, sneezing or coughing not to mention having a head full of fuzz. I can just imagine the crap that would show up on the page if I tried. So today is an official sick day, I have ten a year just like any other job.  It's a shame you can't take a sick day from being a single mother. I remember when I was sick on a Sunday in the past I could take the day off from parenting because Paul would take care of the kids while I stayed in bed the whole day. Of course with Josh sick too that option wouldn't have worked anyway. I suppose I could call him and let him know Kaylie is home today if he wanted to take her out. But why bother, he's there father he should be making the fucking effort. Ok, so when I'm sick my emotions are just that much more on the surface. Forgive the profanity, I'm usually not such a potty mouth. Well, here is an entry anyway, I'm going back to bed with my baby boy and one of those easy two hour romance novels (the kind I'm trying to write  ) Wake me up when the world has stopped spinning and the temperature comes back down to a usual autumn 20C |
| Didn't I tell you not to spread your germs around? I know I did. *coughs, splutters, sneezes, groans* See... Look what you did to me. And not just me, my baby boy and little girl have it too. *evil glare, groan, snuffle* My nose is half way between running and blocked, the inner sinuses have swollen and it's tickling so much that I keep sneezing. I just made a mess because I sneezed and ended up with droplets all over my hand. I wish I had a tissue close enough. My throat is sore and my head is throbbing. AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!!! I told you I catch these things easy. You just have to cough half a world away and I get what you've got. Not just that either, you get it for a day or two, but once I catch it from you I'm knocked out for a week or two. It's soooooo not fair. *moans in self pity* So here, *sneezes on everyone who happens past her journal today* have some germs. I hope you all get sick and share in my misery. *pokes tongue out, then ruins it by coughing* (Just to clarify, this whole entry is mostly jestful. I really don't wish illness upon any of you. Please stay healthy and try to be happy. Do something fun and adventurous on my behalf today. ) |
I spent some time writing my entry for the "Invalid Item"  last night. I was really pleased with the results even if my mother did think that he was kissing a horse. I can admit that with my original phrasing anyone who wasn't used to poetic metaphor might get confused. My mother doesn't know much about poetry. She thinks poems consist of four lines with rhyming second and fourth lines. If it doesn't have that then it's not a poem in her opinion.It's a shame because it means she doesn't appreciate my poetry and I would really like the share it with her and get her feedback. I often wonder if she claims ignorance of poetic form or plain disinterest in poetry in general to save her from being honest about how terrible my poetry is. It's very confusing and conflicting. Anyway, so I finished my entry, "Invalid Item" . There has already been a few reviews and I'm looking forward to seeing the poems of the other people in my group. I'm also hoping to read over most, probably won't have a chance to read them all, of the other entries. See what the heavy weight devision does with the prompts not to mention check out my competition for future rounds (now that's optimism) of the RAW.Oh and I got my new camera. It should arrive in the mail in the next couple of weeks. Got it under the price I wanted. My limit was $400, and that includes postage so I my max bid was $382 ($18 for postage) It came in at $376.71 That's a great price considering that the others the same eBayer is selling have been closing at $405ish and it retails at $999. I'm looking forward to it's arrival now and I've already packed up my old camera. I've got to wrap it because I'm giving it to my mother for Mother's Day. What do single mothers do about Mother's Day? I mean you can celebrate it for your mother but until your kids are older how do you celebrate it for yourself? Do you buy something you want and wrap it and let the kids give it to you? Or do you ask a relative to go out shopping with them and let them spend their pocket money? Or do you do some projects leading up to Mother's Day where they can make some interesting things? Or do you just forget about it, give yourself a pat on the back for doing the hardest job in the world but otherwise let the day pass by? |
| Mmmmmm, YaY! A really fun bit. You know what is great about writing? You can do things they way you wish you could. I started writing the love scene today and it raises my blood pressure just thinking about the places they touch and kiss, warm skin here and there, pressure, tingling, sighs, caresses. It helps to have some experience to write from but it's also wonderful exploring sex the way you wish it could have been. I've only ever had the one partner, my ex, and he only had me prior to our separation. We were both inexperienced and rather clumsy lovers. I've read a lot of romance novels and watched a lot of TV so I know it's not always like that for everyone. Jake and Emma can have the kind of sex I would want rather than what I settled for. Emma and Jake are also strong enough within themselves to ask for what they want. After mundane sex with her ex Emma is going to really blossom under Jake touch and Jake knows just how to coax her out of her outdated prudity. So more fun tomorrow since today only just begun, in the kitchen no less, a scene that might take a day or two to write. I'm tingling and horny just thinking about it. I know TMI but I haven't had sex in nearly four months, (and I have a very big appetite for sex), so you'll have to forgive me.Meanwhile, I put a bid on Ebay for a camera last night. The seller sells lots and lots of camera's and other similar stuff so when I got outbid on one I could bid on an identical one. I've got a firm budget so I know exactly how much I have saved so far specifically for this purpose. I've been outbid on one that is finishing sometime in the next hour but I'm currently high bidder on one that finishes in five hours. Fingers crossed it doesn't go about my limit too. But I guess if it does I'll just bid on the next one. Eventually it will come in under the price. And if it doesn't then next Wednesday I'll have a higher budget. Finally Friday, Kaylie's last day of school for the week and Josh and I have playgroup this morning. On that note I suppose I should start getting the day begun. My belly is rumbling, breakfast time, and it's chilly, time to get the kids dressed in warm day clothes. |
Well seven days down and three days to go on my eBay auctions. I've currently got my old pram, two baby baths, and a PC game listed for sale on eBay and I'm so disappointed at the lack of response. Only one item has attracted any interest at all. The white baby bath that I paid fourty dollars for and only used once is at a staggering two bucks.  I hope things pick up, I really would like to find a new, loving home for the pram, it holds treasured memories. But if these don't sell on eBay I guess I can still give it to the salvo's.My mother is doing much better with her auction. She's selling a sweater knitting machine. She set a starting price of ten dollars and it's up to fourty dollars now with seven bidders. I'm glad her introduction to eBay has been so successful. She's an addict now. She loves it even more than I do. I'm feeling a little overwhelmed today. I keep reflecting on all the editing The Dating Game is going to need. Some parts feel terrible, flat, empty, others are missing vital chunks, others chatter on inanely. I know that some parts are gold but those parts seem few and far between. I haven't begun editing yet because I'm determined to get it all onto the page before I start that step. I'm currently most of the way through chapter six with seven, eight, nine and ten to go. I'd have thought that by now it would be getting easier, but it's not. I guess I should be preparing myself for the wall which will undoubtably be hitting soon. Or perhaps this is the early stages of it. At least I'm well into the habit of getting my twenty minutes done every morning now so I'll have no excuses not to slam past that wall when I get to it. Meanwhile, today I get to have morning tea at Kaylie's school. Her class is having a Mother's Day celebration. They'll be signing songs and we'll eat cake and buscuits with tea and coffee. My mother is coming too and I'm sure it will be a delightful hour. I'm looking forward to seeing some of Kaylie's work. She has their Learning Journey coming up soon. Instead of regular school report cards we have a Learning Journey this term to see where they are at. They also have a portfolio that gets sent home twice a year. The Learning Journey involves being invited to her class and going on a tour around the walls etc. of the work they've been doing. It's great to see the progress she's making, especially now she's learning to read and write. I love comparing the way she wrote her name at the beginning of the year to the way she writes it now. There has been such improvement. I guess I better go get them up out of bed. I can't believe they are both still asleep. *Does the kids are asleep dance* I hope this is a sign of them getting into a routine of staying in bed while I get up in the morning. I doubt it but no one ever died of optimism.  |
| I attempted to sleep on my futon last night but I couldn't find it restful. It wasn't fair to think that my nice comfy bed was just a few feet away in the other room. Thankfully my being in the lounge didn't prevent Josh from waking during the night and crying his little heart out so I was able to return to my bed. Tonight I'm going to start the technique Jo Frost recommends in her book, "Supernanny - How to get the best from your children" I ordered the book a few weeks ago and was finally able to pick it up yesterday. Not cheap but if she can help me as much as she already has then it'll be worth it. Today I was writing chapter six of The Dating Game. It's coming along really well although I ended up missing a fair bit of chapter five. When I do my second draft I'll be able to fill in the scenes I missed. I'm a little teary eyed thinking about poor Emma and Jake. Emma more so since it's her that's in the most turmoil. She's also the one I relate to the most because a great part of her character is a reflection of me. She's trying to come to grips with the fact that what she could have today is more important than the fact that she 'may' lose it tomorrow. Love, what is it really? This is where the self doubt comes in. What the hell do I know about love? All I know is that each of the men I trusted in my life left me. From my father to my husband, men in my life just don't hang around. I've often felt the little girl assumptions that I'm just not worth it. My adult self knows that this is just the little girl in me reacting to a father who cared more about his other kids than he ever did me. Knowing it and having it reach my heart is two different things. How do I write about love if all I have of it is the hope that someday I'll find the one and only that will love me unconditionally? I guess it's a case of pulling myself out of the story. Taking a step back and letting the characters Emma and Jake find it for each other. I mean I can't write of love for me, because I don't know of love for me. But these two, they have it, if they could just fight hard enough, could just realise that this love is greater than any pain. You can't go through life, living in tomorrow, you have to make what you can of the present and trust the future, to fate. |
| My horoscope was spot on yesterday. It certainly was a day full of spiritual awareness. My sister asked for some healing so I sent her some for about half an hour. I find it really draining to do distance healing. I haven't done Reiki 2 which is where you learn the symbols involved with bringing spirit down to send the energies for you so everything I send is self controlled and sent self to self. That means that I'm controlling the channel and I really have to concentrate to keep my target in contact. Today instead of doing the housework and errands we had planned my mother is going to show me some of the techniques from Reiki 2 so that I'll find this distance healing easier. It's a case of allowing spirit to do that connecting for you rather than maintaining in yourself. I'll find this useful for more than Reiki so I'm looking forward to learning. Wilfully tuning in is fairly new to me. I still flutter with fear at the thought of doing a reading, or sending a healing. When I was a very young child I would draw aura's around people. My teachers passed it off as rainbows but my mother smiled in pride when she saw my pictures. I remember that in those days it all felt so normal and easy. Then of course I grew up, started high school where I learned that what I could do wasn't normal. One night my sisters and I were outside camping in a nice big tent. We lived in a house that used to be the towns local swimming pool. We'd filled the old worn pool in and camped the tent on top of it. That night a young boy spoke with me. He was about ten years old and had drowned in the pool. My sisters freaked out and wouldn't stay out there after that. My friends in school played at sceances, they didn't really believe that they would get anything. They pushed the glass around the table and I couldn't help feeling confused. I could see the various spirits we'd invited to the table but none of them took any part in what was going on. They watched, almost sadly. My best friend freaked out when I told her that her sister, who'd died as a baby watched over her and was worried. She presented as a woman near my own age but the image flickered with a picture of a newborn baby. My friend wouldn't believe me and the rejection hurt. That night my boyfriend (later husband and now ex) asked me to see if I could bring up his father. He had asked at the sceance but nothing came through for him. I concentrated as we lay together in the dark room that night. I knew his father wasn't dead and Paul felt reassured by that. I also learnt that he had a new family and while he wouldn't reject contact with his son they wouldn't have a father son relationship like Paul wanted. Paul rejected the information, he didn't believe me. He wanted to assume his father was dead. A few years ago he learned that his sister was in touch with their father. His father had a new wife who had children and grandchildren of her own. They talked on the phone a couple of times but now rarely speak to each other. Since then I've pretty much shut down my abilities. I didn't like hurting people and I didn't like seeing all the time. I couldn't feel safe at home alone, especially after my poor little kitten was killed. Even supressed I would catch the sight of him out the corner of my eye. Now days it's very hard to tune in. I'm only just beginning to accept my abilities as a gift rather than reject them but it's so hard. I feel myself pushing away the contact and while I wish I wouldn't be so afriad too much conditioning against it all happened as a teenager. But I'm determined, I've learnt since then thanks to a very spiritually adjusted mother that I can help people. While my mother is good at healing my sister asks for me because I'm stronger at it. Now it's a case of accepting my abilities as a natural part of my life, rather than running away from them. So today is another step in that direction. In fact, I better get that day on the move since it's almost 8AM and I've got to get Kaylie ready for school. |
| Well it was a very late night last night. I put Josh down in Tracy's spare room about 9PM (normal bedtime is 7PM) and Kaylie crashed unable to remain awake at about 10:30PM last night. But they are both still asleep at the moment so I've had lots of quiet this morning to write. I actually needed the quiet this morning too so it's worked well. The scene with Jake and Emma is a bit wrenching and it's kind of pulling the Sunday to a close so I'm thinking that the placement within this chapter will need to change. I'll have to have this happen after lunch and dinner, towards the end of the night. That way it's not unreasonable to have it draw the evening to a close. It's not much of a shuffle so it's not going to mess me up to make the change. I've read a few blogs today, it's interesting seeing other peoples lives via their journals. It's a connection I'm not used to having with others. I don't connect to well outside of the computer, and even inside my internet world I have trouble maintaining connections. I'm the sort of person you really have to push into a friendship because I tend to block it. I'm so used to being hurt that these days part of what I do is actually what causes my pain. If I could make more of an effort with friendships the people I meet wouldn't keep turning away out of frustration. Oh oh, Josh is awake so I'm going to wrap this up. Two entries since I wrote the one below last night. Enjoy! |
| It's a few minutes from midnight and I've just got home after spending the evening at my sisters. I'm so hyped because I've had a wonderful night. I've been able to enjoy a night out with the girls even though we were actually in. After spending a quiet, lonely day at home my mother picked me and the kids up. We had a tour of my oldest sister Tracy's new house before a lovely dinner. We chatted and shared, played and spent some enjoyable moments together. My sister Amanda is going through a little turmoil with work at the moment so I've been sending her daily healing. She had a headache and wanted me to tell her what I could pick up about it. I did a quick tuning in, it's not easy when I needed to concentrate on my kids, making sure they weren't getting into the breakables Tracy has in her home. Amanda and I had a chat about things. Basically her entire system is run down because of toxins. Not physical toxins such as alcohol or drugs but mental/emotional toxins. She's not feeling like she has any power over her current situation and her self esteem which is normally very good is being beaten about. After we discussed this my mother suggested a Tarot reading. We (Mum, Me, Amanda, and Tracy) each have our own sets of Tarot cards so Tracy took hers out and we settled around the table. Mum was doing the readings but I tuned in too and offered feedback. Mum and I work really well together when doing readings. Anyway, Amanda's readings were all fairly basic, get all your cards on the table, talk about all your options, then decide what you want etc. I already knew that because of what I'd tuned in for earlier. I wasn't too happy with the reading we did for me. Not that it was a bad reading, just that what I learnt wasn't what I wanted to hear. I want to move on into a relationship and it doesn't look like that is in my near future. I'm still working on a lot of the shit from my marriage and the fallout of that so I need to take care of myself and regain my place in the world before moving onto something new. I know that, deep inside, but I really miss having the warmth and joy of a loving relationship. My sister Tracy however has a new love interest and it's her reading that has me buzzing. This man, Mike is ten years younger than she is and she's concerned that their age difference could cause them some difficulties. Her reading was very positive. It showed signs of what could be a pregnancy coming up very soon. (No she's not pregnant now) And that while there could be a bit of a turmoil within the next couple of months if she chooses to fight it out this guy could be the man she settles down and marries. It was a really powerful reading. I'm so excited. I'm looking forward to the months ahead for Tracy now, I'd like to see how it all turns out. So at least there is some joy in the future for one of our family members. I guess it makes up for the troubles Amanda and I are having coming to accept or change where we are at the moment. It's gone midnight so I really should get myself off to bed. I've got to get up in a half-dozen hours to do my morning 20 and then get Kaylie off to school. I'm going to be a wreck tomorrow. Oh well, such is life. Have a great day/night everyone. See you when my sun rises. |
| < WARNING!!! The following entry may prove more than any reasonable person would want to hear. It contains many instances of TMI (Too Much Information) and can cause aches, shudders, and sympathy. The really cruel hearted my laugh at my expense Contains: gore and unplesant referance. > I currently have a visitor I haven't had in nearly two years. Since a couple of months before I fell pregnant with Josh infact who has just turned one. I blame the fact that I've recently cut down a great deal on the frequency of the breastfeeds I give Josh. I'm down to three a day now, kind of a breakfast, lunch and dinner thing. He has a feed when we are waking up in the morning, a feed before his nap and a feed before bed at night. The rest of the time he's on cups, finger food and baby food. Anyway, this visitor had been sporadically in my life since I was a teenager. Never dependable and while I could go for months without entertaining her she would undoubtable be quite demanding, painful and hang around for up to two weeks when she did eventually arrive. Ok, so most of the women here would probably have guessed by now I mean my period. Finally returned after pregnancy and a year of breastfeeding. I feel so uncomfortable. I'd normally wear tampons because I don't like the dripping tap syndrome involved with pads. But I didn't want to risk infection or toxic shock on the first return after giving birth so it's pads at least for the next few days until her visit abates. The back ache reminds me of the very early stages of labor, when it's just a dull ache you can distract yourself from and you begin to wonder if this is the beginning. In my cause with labor I felt this constant lower back ache, a build up of heat just above my hib bone along the spine, for the first four hours or so. It would gradually build up till I couldn't sit comfortably. That is the kind of back ache I'm experiencing. Having been so long since her last visit I feel really strange. I mean in some ways I'm glad. For the past year I've wondered on and off if she'd ever return. I'm also glad because it's a reassurance of my fertility and also confirms that I am not pregnant (which was a slight but real possibility). That news is a great relief since I had begun to be concerned about bringing a newborn into the world now the father is no longer a part of it. I was planning to leave this entry out but for some reason my mind wouldn't let me. Every time I settled down to do something else it just had to share. Perhaps I should mark it private now I've written it, and forget about it. But well, I guess my ego is too great. I must share. Appologies to anyone who didn't want to read this. I'll go back to the beginning before I save and put a disclaimer up the front. Super appologies to any men who chanced by this entry, serves you right for letting your curiosity get the better of you. Now I've got this entry out of my system perhaps I can play my game, in peace. |
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