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Bare and uncensored personal expression. Beware!!! |
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** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** "This is pretty much what journals are all about, at least to me. I knew as I wrote them that even though they provided an excellent place for brain (and heart, and psyche) dump, they were mainly a map of me." --- Colleen Wainwright "Writing gives you the illusion of control, and then you realize it's just an illusion, that people are going to bring their own stuff into it." --- David Sedaris "Please write again soon. Though my own life is filled with activity, letters encourage momentary escape into others lives and I come back to my own with greater contentment." --- Elizabeth Forsythe Hailey "In giving of myself onto these pages every day I allow myself to write regardless of the depth and meaning. I share myself with others without fear of recrimination for these are my thoughts, my feelings and my very being, and there are non who's opinion of me matters more than my own." --- Rebecca Laffar-Smith   The Writer's Round-About |
| Sometimes I get crazy ideas into my head. Today because I couldn't get Zoo Tycoon to play properly I loaded up a different game. That game wasn't working either. Something was definately not right with my computer so I thought about what I could do. Eventually I decided to reformat my harddrive. Anyone who has done this themselves would know the task is not a simple one. First you have to back up any information you have on your harddrive that you don't want to loose. In my case a great deal of the junk I had collecting in My Documents including, photo's, music, programming projects, genealogy, and writing. Then you put your windows CD in the drive and restart the computer pressing any key to make it boot from CD. Delete the partition (you've now got an empty harddrive with absolutely nothing on it) repartition. With a new fresh partition you can now reinstall Windows. Windows takes about an hour to fully install. Then you've got to install any programs you'd normally use, in my case, Yahoo, Microsoft Office, NVidia, Radeon, HTML Kit, Adobe Reader and my modem. All these things are kept on handy disks including a file called My Downloads. It's time consuming but thankfully I reformat my drive often enough to have it down to an artform. Of course what I forgot to backup was my favorites. So I had to remember websites I'd normally have in there. All the web pages I'd had dumped in there for reading, reviewing and studying are gone. So are all the contests I was going to enter. But it's kind of freeing to have such a tidy Favorites. In fact it feels pretty good to have so little on my HD at the moment. I've got so much space, it's unnatural  My writing folder is bare at the moment except for my novel and a txt file for my poetry.com Haiku. Everything is backed up on disk and it can all stay there for now. Out with the old and onto the new.  Starting fresh with plenty of room to fill. I've even got some great inspirational messages and beautiful pictures set up as my desktop background. My PC is looking great. My computer desk is tidy. It's wonderful having such a clean, neat workspace. Now if only I can keep it that way. Not likely but I'll try. G'night, now's time for Stargate: Atlantis and then to bed ready for a good sleep and waking up to 20 minutes with my novel on Friday. |
| I'm rather enjoying my day today despite not getting enough sleep. I didn't get to bed until about midnight last night and the kids woke up even before my alarm this morning so I've had less than 6 hours sleep. I'm one of those people who don't function too well without at least 8 hours. I did my usual 20 minutes. I'm rather pleased with how well I've been keeping my promise to myself. Not once since I started this 20 minute morning have I failed to show up for myself and that is fantastic. The book is really making headway. It's in bits and peices since I seem to write scenes rather than chonology but it's already a few chapters into things. Windows did another update this morning and since I updated my Zoo Tycoon game hasn't worked. Stupid Windows updates. Oh well, it was an old game that got much use. Now to find a new game that will hold my interest. I've been searching on Ebay and there are so many games there. I put a bid on a few of them. I'd already been a regular at Ebay this week because I've bid on a few Hairy Maclary books for Kaylie's birthday. Hopefully in a couple of weeks I'll be getting some books and games in the mail. The letter from the family courts arrived yesterday approving our consent orders so I phoned the bank today and they we can finally move ahead with the housing loan to buy the house from my ex-husband. I'm looking forward to owning my own home and having my own credit card. Not to mention that once that loan is processed I'll be financial again and can buy a car. It's a pain not having access to a car when I want one, especially with the colder weather creeping in. So all in all I've had a progressive day. The world is looking up which is wonderful. Now I'm hanging about waiting for SM and SMs to put up the results of their Raffle. Bring on them GP's, I spend enough GP's on entries to think I have a reasonable chance at winning. |
| Interruptions, interruptions, and more interruptions this morning. I was sleeping really deeply this morning, dreaming some interesting dreams when the alarm went off. It was strange because normally I'm rising from sleep before the alarm buzzes but this morning I was rather disappointed to be woken up. The kids were wanting to get up and at it with me like they have each day for the last week. In the morning at least they are content to play while I write. So I've gotten used to hearing their chatter and clang and music in the background as I write. This morning however we encountered demand after demand. "Mummy, I can't get all the poopy," The sound of my newly toilet trained daughter who'd made quite a mess of herself and needed rescuing. So pause goes the writing and bath goes the daughter. Ten minutes later, she's clean, dry and dressed so back to my writing. "Mummy, I'm hungry can I have something to eat?" She always asks first although I almost always let her help herself. She usually has a small tub of Yogo first thing in the morning as part of her breakfast. She comes back with tub in hand a few minutes later, "Mummy, can you please open this for me?" Sighs, interruption. Joshua wanted to be picked up. Joshua had gotten Yogo all over himself after licking out the tub Kaylie gave him after she'd finished. Sighs, interruption. I have discovered to be a mother and a writer at the same time you have to deal with the fact that your writing time might be scattered with disruption. I'm getting pretty good at keeping the story running in my head while I deal with each interruption and to get right back from where I am to continue. So, twenty minutes for today is done. I'm making a very decent dent into my novel. Now is the time to enjoy the rest of the day with my kids and look forward to writing more tomorrow, interruptions and all. |
| I'm actually really pleased with the 20 minute mornings. It's frustrating that the kids tend to wake up during it but switching it for a night time alternative just wouldn't work. My nights are too unpredictable and by the end of the day if I manage to get the kids to bed at a reasonable hour I'm often to tired to want to turn my mind to anything like writing. This morning I managed to complete another scene for my novel. I have a few scenes now and I feel great about it because each scene feels like a great deal of progress. The story is making headway and I'm coming to realise that Emma wants to be like me. I suppose in a way it's therapudic for me to write a character so strongly based on myself. Especially because I know she's doing things I would have trouble doing, she is conquering her fear, and she falls in love, and she grows from the experiences she has in this novel. I hope I'll grow in he same way. While she might be so very much like me right now, by the end of the book she'll be a very changed woman. Joshua had a wonderful birthday yesterday. My living room is strewn with new toys. He and Kaylie have been having fun playing with everything and making a lovely big mess. Thankfully, it's just toys. Toys are easy to clean up. Today I'm over at my mother's house. Every two weeks I come here to cook a lunch for our extended family. As many family members as can possible make it come. As our family stands these days that isn't many. Usually my two sisters, my mother, my grandmother and sometimes my ex-stepfather will be here. With me and my kids that makes eight on a good week. Today it's only six of us which is alright. Lunch is in the oven now and the cookies I baked are cooling ready to be snacked on after lunch. Josh is napping and everyone else is entertained in he lounge room by a DVD I brought with me, 'Shark Tale'. I haven't seen it yet but they started it while I was cooking so I figured I'd come here while I'm waiting for he oven to finish cooking lunch. I'll watch the movie at home either tonight or tomorrow. Not much else to add today. Just a family day so not much writing to get done. I've done quite a few reviews over these last few days and met a few new friends along the way. Now, back to finishing lunch. |
| I am thinking it might be better to move my 20 minutes writing time to the evening. Now that I'm putting both kids down early at night and they are actually going to sleep I have time in the evening when I won't have the kids around me. So far every morning they've both been waking up at 6.30 which is when I have been getting up to write. With them awake and moving around I am distracted. So today I'll have a look at my TV watching schedule and see if I can find a time when I am free every night for an hour and schedule 30 mins writing time in then. That way at the same time every night I will write and still get to watch my favorite programs and get to bed at a reasonable hour. Today I'm feeling a bit down. I don't want to do anything much at all so I was trying to get into a game. The game I really want to play isn't working. I don't know why but it's really frustrating. I was playing a different game but it just wasn't entertaining me. I guess I should probably take advantage of this time to get a load of washing in the machine and to do the dishes. Maybe even fold up the sheets that are in a basket in my room ready for just that chore. Yesterday Josh took a tumble. He was playing on the stairs out the front of the house and slipped hitting his face against on of the rocks that line my walkway. He's scrapped his nose and forehead. We were very lucky. It could have really damaged his eye or broken his nose but from what I can see all wounds are superficial. He doesn't even notice them any more which means that at least they aren't hurting him. I felt really guilty. I should have been supervising him much closer but he and Kaylie sounded like they were having fun out there. I guess being one it's the sort of thing I should expect. He's starting to really get into everything. He's a monkey. He likes to climb things and show how agile and clever he is. He is also finally getting chatty. Hopefully we'll get some real first words soon. Anyway, enough of me today. Get back to your own work |
| Another 20 minutes this morning and once again interupted by two children who think the Mummy getting up must mean it's morning. I might have to set my 20 minutes an hour earlier. I don't know if I want to risk them both thinking 5:30AM is a delightful time in the morning. Anyway this morning's writing was difficult even beyond the fact that it was disturbed by the presence of two small children. Perhaps it's because I was already annoyed that they had woken up with me or perhaps it would have been difficult even without their presence. I began writing one of the early scenes, where Emma has her sister's family over for dinner. But the whole 20 minutes worth of writing felt stilted and I just don't like it. I'm not doing anything with it at the moment as my priority for the time being is to get the various required scenes down on paper as a first draft. I can then cut those scenes and rework those scenes. Having a first draft completed will be a monument acheivement for me because usually I give up far too soon. One or two chapters, a wandering draft that was going no where, drafting for two or three other books. I have so far never gotten a first draft completed. So my goal is to get all the words on paper in a first draft no matter how terrible I think it sounds and I assure you at the moment it seems pretty terrible. Hopefully by the time the draft is finished I'll be fresh enough to review the first few chapters objectively and perhaps it won't be so bad after all. This morning I didn't manage to complete the scene before my 20 minutes were up. It's a long scene since it is going to convey a lot of the key factors in Emma's personality and give a broad view of her life with focus on a few key points, like her kids and her failed marriage and the fact that her sister is urging her to begin dating again. So tomorrow's 20 mins will go into more of that scene. I'm itching to write more now but it's impracticale and I really have to focus on being a mother during the day. I might be wanting to spend the day writing but I have to separate my writing self from my parent/homemaker self. I have to treat my writing like a career which has a scheduled time. In fact I have found I have to work at least a light schedule for everything in my life or nothing productive get done. I know I have to get Kaylie ready at 8AM every morning so she gets to school on time. Lunch at noon and prior to then Josh should have had a nap and a play, a load or two of washing should be cycling and various other chores around the house get done. This loose schedule with a few strict conditions has so far helped me keep on track and on top of everything. It also stops me feeling like I'm in chaos. I know what is expected of me. I know that the alarm is going to go off at 6:30AM and I'll get up and write for 20 mins. I know that I'll have time in the morning to get the three of us dressed and organised, ready for the day, school lunches made, breakfasts eaten. I know that in the evening when Josh is starting to get restless I've got time to take it easy, put a quick dinner together for all of us and then the evening after putting Kaylie to bed involves quiet time with the TV, a good book, etc. For me it works really well. But alas, I'm rambling. This is my entry today. I was really only going to cover the information about how the book is progressing but I'm never one to keep my entries short. |
Woo Hoo! My "Invalid Item"  entry to the "Invalid Item" won 3rd place. Mel  made an excellect choice when selecting first place, "Invalid Item" truly did deserve to win. Anyway, 3rd prize!!! It's my first win since rejoining Writing.com and it feels good to earn an award no matter how small an award it seems.This contest is actually lots of fun and I'm learning so much about myself. Who would have thought that writing letters such as these would give such insight into myself and the way I view life? One of the prompts this week was to write a fan letter to a celebrity. I'm not really a fan of anyone in particular so I was racking my brain trying to work out who I'd write to. I decided to get some of the dishes done while I though about the prompt and it came to me while my hands were immersed in suds. God. Well the sense of what the word God represents. Creation. So I wrote, "Invalid Item" . I did originally think I could come up with something witty, clever, and perhaps a little tongue in cheek but when I got to writing it this letter turned into something else altogether.Now stepping away from my writing for a moment to my baby boy. Today mightn't be my best for writing form because I didn't have the best of sleep last night. Joshua is just about to turn one and I decided that it's time he was back in his own cot. He's a terrible bed hog so for the past year I've not slept very well at all. He wakes up every hour or two during the night, kicks, rolls around, snores. Well, last night I set up his cot in my room put him to bed there. After watching Supernanny I thought I'd give her separation technique a go and you know, it worked. 25 minutes almost to the second and he was fast asleep. Of course he woke during the night and I continued the technique, he'd eventually get back to sleep and as the night progressed the time he slept between waking increased and the time he cried between sleeping decreased. He even woke up happy and naturally this morning. I think it was a big success. Now to keep at it until the time between waking is 11 to 12 hours and the time spent crying is 0 minutes. |
| Well today I accomplished my writing goal and even started writing some of a chapter. It was a random location actually, not really the beginning of the chapter nor the end. Just a snippet in the middle. Once again I forgot to set the timer so I'd already divided up my outline and got about halfway through the writing when I realised. I think I'd done 20mins by then and my mind said shouldn't that alarm be dinging by now? Well of course it should. I set it going anyway and tried for another 20 mins but the kids woke up before I could finish. I still feel good because I know I did more than the 20 mins. I just hope I can remember to turn the alarm on tomorrow. I'll feel even better reaching the end of that buzzer. Today I was reading the entries to the "Invalid Item" . I enjoyed writing my own letters and it was interesting reading others. It's amazing that all of us felt that age 15 was a particularly hard time. I didn't read any letters that carried on about how great life is at 15. Each of us had our own struggles and each of us told ourselves to be strong and that the future is brighter.Perhaps 15 is a tough age for everyone. Or perhaps we only remember the difficulties. I know I can't think of much happiness at age 15. 15 is when my English teacher gave my a serious blow for my writing dreams. I trusted her feedback and was very disappointed. English was a class I actually worked hard in but still got an F. And not just the F that set me back but I'd given her some of my writing to read and she'd never got back to me about it. 15 was when my brother Gaelon was psycotic. It was a scarey time for us at home because he could become violent. He was distant and I felt so apart from him. After having been so close it was very hard. But eventually he returned more or less to normal and we returned to a close relationship. 15 was when my 'friends' at school all turned on me. I felt shattered and heart broken and I couldn't understand why they couldn't like me for who I was. My problems developing friendships extend long before them but their betrayel reinforced my insecurities and to this day I am still fighting the damage caused. I wonder if our 15 year old selves realize the long standing effect we have on ourselves and each other. 15 was the time I kept a knife in my bedroom, willing myself to use it on myself. It was the time when I believed no one could see me. When I thought everyone else was more important and no one cared about me. But reading over the other letters people wrote to their 15 year old self I was glad to see that everyone had difficulties at age 15. Age 15 is a difficult age for everyone. I want to give my kids an age 15 that they can look back on and know they were happy. I want my kids writing letters to their 15 year old selves remembering all the good times. Does anyone have a 15 year old self that remembers only happiness and joy at being inbetween childhood and adulthood? |
| I was reading more of Unstuck last night before falling asleep and Anne mentioned keeping small. Think small. She mentioned working in smaller time blocks. Instead of taking a week away from work to write, or expecting hours from yourself each day to write, think small. 15 minutes to half an hour depending on how ingrained your block is. So last night I set my clock for 6:30AM. I've read elsewhere that it can be easier to write when your brain hasn't completely woken up yet. I woke up this morning and set my timer for 20 minutes and started writing, working on my outline for The Dating Game. Of course half way into it I got thinking how much longer and glanced at the timer, 'DOH!'. Darn thing was still at 20 minutes. I'd forgot to start it. Started the timer and wrote for the 20 mins until the timer starting beeping at me. I feel really great. I got a good deal done. I've got the very basis of an outline. It has the bare bones of how I think the story is going to develope. Tomorrow during the 20 minutes at 6:30AM I'm going to refine the outline, devide the things that happen into Ten chapters. But I did a great job today. Another trick Anne shows is to really heap the praise for every accomplishment no matter how minor it might seem because more often than not you really smack yourself about emotionally for every tiny blunder. SO today I can reward myself by taking it easy and having fun and feeling wonderful because today I was a writing. I wrote my book. I actually worked on my book which is better than yesterday when I put off working on it. I DID IT!!! And if feels great. Tomorrow I'm already looking forward to 6:30AM I've got plans for refining my outline and today while I'm doing other things I'll be able to think about what I've got and how that can all be arranged and any changes that might need to be made. I'm moving forward. It's really wonderful. After stagnating for a year and a half progress feels great. I'm a little worried that the freight train will hit me if I try going to fast. So baby steps, think small. |
| I had an appifiny today. I am the World's greatest Procrastinator. Most procrastinator's declare that they cannot because they have housework/tv/children/planning/dating/this or that project to do. I have found that my best procrastination tool is pregnancy. When the serious prospect of getting into writing full time as a career begins to loom my mind and body start yearning to have a baby. It's happened twice now, the first time when I was 17. I got pregnant within a month of deciding it was time to have a baby. Mother's will know how difficult it is to continue to write when you have a very young child. Having a baby is a very good excuse not to write. Then my oldest started Kindy and I started having time on my hands. It was time that could be perfectly filled by writing. 'Nah,' my mind goes, 'lets have ourselves another baby. Don't you want another itty bitty baby?' And so I did, I got pregnant again. And for the past year and a half haven't really written anything with the intent on being published. Really having a baby is a brilliant way of justifying choosing not to write. The best form of procrastination ever. Who is going to claim that you're just using the needs of your child as an excuse not to put pen to paper? Anyone who tries would seem an evil monster putting the selfish needs ahead of the more important needs of a child. So, I am the world's best procrastinator. Even now, with my youngest moving out of baby stage into toddler stage and getting the need to write I feel my mind saying, "'bout time for anothing baby don't you think?" Thankfully, having another child is not an option at the moment. Recently separated there is no man in my life who could provide me with the required genepool. So, having a baby and being a mother of a very young child is no longer going to impede my desire to write. Now, I guess it's time to hunt around for other means of procrastinating. Hang on, I'm sure it must be time to rotate the washing again, isn't it? |
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