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Bare and uncensored personal expression. Beware!!! |
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** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** "This is pretty much what journals are all about, at least to me. I knew as I wrote them that even though they provided an excellent place for brain (and heart, and psyche) dump, they were mainly a map of me." --- Colleen Wainwright "Writing gives you the illusion of control, and then you realize it's just an illusion, that people are going to bring their own stuff into it." --- David Sedaris "Please write again soon. Though my own life is filled with activity, letters encourage momentary escape into others lives and I come back to my own with greater contentment." --- Elizabeth Forsythe Hailey "In giving of myself onto these pages every day I allow myself to write regardless of the depth and meaning. I share myself with others without fear of recrimination for these are my thoughts, my feelings and my very being, and there are non who's opinion of me matters more than my own." --- Rebecca Laffar-Smith   The Writer's Round-About |
| My heart is torn. My belly is acting like a washing machine and my hands are trembling. Why does this rediculous anxiety hit when the kids drive out of site. I know these fears are unfounded. The kids are going to be fine, they'll be home just after lunch and they are with their father, who can protect them better than anyone excepting me. I get these irrational visions, car accidents, running across a busy intersection, falling, getting lost, being dropped, kidnapped, Paul not bringing them back, getting attacked by a dog, getting raped by a maniac, all these stupid, rediculous, one-in-a-billion things run through my head. I know it's just because I've lost power for the moment. Normally I am in control of what happens with them. I'm in charge so I can make sure I've always got her hand when crossing the street. I know I'm being careful driving, watching out for other drivers, or at least I'm there in the car to make sure whoever is driving is being careful. For the next few hours I'm going to have to trust in the fates to keep them safe and bring them home to me. Such faith does not come easily when it's my kids lives on the line. I can trust fate when it comes to getting pregnant in the first place, I can trust when it comes to moving on from an ended relationship, but giving my kids up to fate for a day, it tears me limb from limb with fear. I hope this feeling will get easier with time. I'm not used to access visits yet. |
| I'm looking forward to today. I'm still not sure what I'm going to do with myself. I'd like to go see A Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy at the cinema but I really can't afford to and it would take up the whole day because I'd have to rely on Paul's car to get me there and then he'd pick me up when he delivers the kids back to me. It's better to stay home and enjoy the time to myself doing various things I enjoy even if it means missing a prime chance to see a movie I really want to see. I can at least get it when it eventually comes out on DVD. Yesterday, was pretty good. Kaylie's friend arrived fairly late, closer to lunch than morning tea and they only stayed about an hour, no more than two. But that worked well because they had fun and since they aren't used to visiting each other none of the kids got too carried away in that time. They enjoyed the jelly cups and Kaylie and I enjoyed the untouched cupcakes after they'd left. Kaylie loves the Hairy Maclary stuff I got her and her Daddy (Paul) visited them last night. We picked up take away dinner after she'd opened her presents, clothes and a large stuffed pony. She loves the pony, she loves all things to do with horses.  He's taking them both out again today and I expect she'll come home with more toys. Paul spoils them now, trying to make up for not being here for them I guess. I can't complain, he buys them the sorts of things I can't afford. This morning the writing was slow to start. I'd actually slept in. The alarm went off while I was feeding Josh so I rolled back to continue feeding him and fell asleep again. So I started late and already had the feeling that I'd let myself down. Eventually as the timer ticked away and I dealt with some other interruptions I got into the flow and realised that starting late didn't matter. I actually wrote beyond my twenty minutes to the end of the scene. Emma has just fled suddenly terrified that she's getting in too deep with Jake. Her boy, Kayle just said he loved Jake and the swift emotional attachment her normally shy and reserved son had experienced hit home how seriously the relationship was already progressing. For a woman who needs to be in control since her divorce she's floundering. Tomorrow I'll write the scene where Jake and Emma talk courage = being afraid but doing it anyway, life/love is a risk, don't give up the joys of tomorrow for the safety of today and all that. She's had one relationship where she settled because it was safe and comfortable. I'll enjoy thinking over the scene today. I can totally understand how Emma is feeling but it will be hard giving her the courage to keep giving it a shot when she's terrified she's falling hard and fast. We'll the kids are dressed and ready to go. Paul is about to rock up on the doorstep, so it's time to say bye for now. I might be back to do some reviews today but more likely will put the time into my game, Divine Divinity. It's absorbing and fun. There is so much to explore and it's quite difficult, challenging. It's exactly the kind of game I really enjoy. |
| I got a lot done yesterday, even remembered to wrap the presents. Today I can't believe I'm the mother of a five year old. She's grown up so much, I swear yesterday, she was just a baby. I can't really be old enough to have a five year old daughter. I can't believe how young and perhaps a little stupid I was to get into the motherhood thing. It seems silly to think that at 17 I made a choice like that. But I'm glad, I wouldn't change it for anything. We'll be opening presents shortly, after I've done my journal entry today. I invited her best friend Zachery and his mother and sister over to play today and they'll be here later. I baked a cake and cupcakes and made up some jelly cups last night. Thinking about it now I could probably have managed a party on my own, but then my house is only just passible enough for one or two guests not a horde of kids.  This morning I got a little more of the meet the family out of the way. Introduced Kayle's fears a bit more and reflected on how strong Emma was being. Jake's falling more and more in love with her and Emma loves the warmth and kindhearted humor of his family. Things are really coming along. Now, no more chatting today, you'll just have to accept those few details. Today is for my daughter. G'bye till tomorrow. |
| I'm really revving myself up today to try and write this entry. I'm hungry and it's getting late already so I need to keep it fairly short. Last night was pretty good. I went to bed at nearly midnight after my late night program (Stargate: Atlantis) finished. I closed the door behind me so the room was really dark and Josh stayed asleep until about 4AM. That's 4 hours of sleep before he wouldn't stop crying which is much better than usual. Perhaps the darkness helps. Yesterday I listed some items on eBay. I recently introduced eBay to my mother and she's swiftly become addicted. She listed an item for sale on Tuesday and has a bunch of people watching it and one bid on it already. I listed a few things I'd been meaning to list yesterday but as yet, there has been no interest. I guess I have to be patient, I mean what I listed is rather common on the site so I probably won't get much interest till the last day when it finally reaches the front page on searches. It's Kaylie's Birthday tomorrow. I better wrap up the presents I got her. Most of them came from eBay. A whole bunch of Hairy Maclary (Lynley Dodd) books and video's. She loves Hairy Maclary. I will have to make sure I wrap them up while she's at school today. We'll be seeing her father (my ex) tonight for a short while. He's visiting after work so it gives him about an hour before they are due in bed. I plan on getting him to take us up to Armadale for dinner (which reminds me I better dig about for some money since I'm cutting it fine until payday on Monday) I decided not to do a party thing since all her family is working Saturday and I have no car to get anywhere. I don't want to entertain here at the house, it's just too daunting on my own.I found my 20 minutes this morning a strain. I didn't do enough planning. I should have scheduled some time yesterday to outline details about Jake's family. Trouble was, my mother visited and we spend more time on errands and house cleaning than I had hoped. I was pleased with the effort however so I can't complain. We got a lot done. But it did make this mornings scene difficult as I had to think up some details on the spot. Names for example. My head was going off on a J tangent, Jake, Joseph, John, Jordan, Jaccine, Jessica, Jane. I couldn't use all of those so I ended up changing a few. Instead of his mother being Jessica we have Martha, Gordan instead of Jordan, Michael instead of John etc. Now the collection of names is much more reasonable. It would look strange to have everyone's name begin with the same letter. Martha is delightful. I really like writing her and so is Darcy and Yvonne for that matter. I think some really great characters have come up here. It's a shame I can't get into them more than the gloss needed to make Sunday successful. Perhaps their stories will be told in the future in other novels. *sighs* Well run out of time but I guess I ended up with a decent entry considering I begun by not wanting to bother. Now to get onto the day ahead, eat some breakfast because I'm starving and get Kaylie off to school. Enjoy yourselves everyone. |
| Well, I was replying to scarlett_o_h for my entry below but, well, *looks embarressed* it's more like an entry in and of itself so, well, I'm posting it. scarlett_o_h said: Sounds like you have a well planned, eventful story in progress. I envy you your discipline in setting a time and getting on with it. Rebecca Laffar-Smith responds:It is in setting that time every morning in which I'm not allowed to do anything but write (within reason, I mean toilet breaks and kids are still priority although the timer is paused during such interruptions to ensure I still get the full 20 minutes) that anything gets done. I've spend the past ten years telling myself I'm going to write a book, beginning to end. In all that time I had not actually reached the point of writing it, until now. Yes, it takes discipline but I've found it easy because I wake up to my alarm clock and writing is the first thing I do with my day. It's only 20 minutes so it doesn't feel like too much pressure. It's at a time of day with the least interruptions, my mind is fresh from sleep instead of fatigued with the troubles of the day, the kids are cheery and happy to play by themselves or sleeping, and I don't have to rush away to get other things done because I leave myself plenty of time to get the 20 minutes in and still get Kaylie off to school. (Can you say major run-on sentence, Rebecca? ) *gasps to regain her breath*The best thing about it is I feel so proud of myself. I'm finally moving forward with a goal I've held for years. It feels great. Whenever I'm cringing from having to do my morning 20 I remind myself how great I'm going to feel afterward and that it's only 20 minutes, not really long enough to feel pain. Hell, I've had two natural labors that lasted 12 hours each, I think I can manage 20 minutes of writing. What also helped was breaking the plot down into segments. You start with an idea. Mine came from a friend. We were talking about my recent separation and how he thought the best way to improve my self esteem would be to start dating again. I mentioned that I'm not exactly in a position to meet elegeble men. I don't go out much because I'm at home with the kids and the very few men who take their kids to Kaylie's school are married. We thought on that dilema a bit and he suggested online dating. Ok, it's a possibility. I've heard of a few people who've had successful online relationships but since online relationships really hits a nerve (my husband left me for a woman he met online and had an online affair with) it's not really my thing. We brainstormed that thought and came up with speed dating. Wow! The writer part of me goes, THE DATING GAME. Yes, that's right, my title is the basis for my whole story. Yep, wouldn't you know it, didn't solve my dating problems but gave me a fantatic idea for a novel. From the title I got to a character, much like me, recently divorced and wary of love. Tries this speed dating concept. The owner, single, happens to be one of the dates and they hit it off. Jaded woman meets hopeless romantic guy, sparks, love, happily ever after. From there I developed the concept. What would have to happen to get woman to meet man, man to fall in love, woman to fall in love, why doesn't it work (obviously Emma, our jaded woman, isn't willing to trust her heart), what needs to happen to solve this hurdle, how does it all wrap up. From there you have a basic outline. Then you break that down again until you have lots of little steps. It's the little steps that make it easy. As you've seen from my previous blogs I talk of fairly small scenes. I've mentioned the carousel ride, Nocturnal House scene, the zoo trip etc. Now I'm onto Sunday (which is the bigger picture) The smaller picture I'm working on tomorrow is meeting Jake's family. Today we met Jake's sister Jaccine. It was a simple scene easily written in 20 minutes. The idea is breaking it all down into little peices. Start small. You really can do it if you make your chunks managable. Ok, I'm finally shutting up now On the note of all this novel planning you can see my novels outline ("Invalid Entry"  ) and other items about "Invalid Item" Feel free to send me any comments and let me know if you're interested in reviewing any chapters. I'm projecting a month or two till I start putting chapters up for review. But anyone interested in viewing can let me know and I'll add you to my list of reviewers and contact you when I have new material. |
| I absolutely love to get mail; when it's got my name on it. That obviously excludes all the junk mail that comes out addressed, dear resident or sometimes with no address at all, just something that everyone got with their mail. I love electronic mail too so long as it's personally to me not some great conglomerate spamaid. I don't get very much mail which is probably one of the reasons I love it so much. In fact I love snail mail even more than electronic mail. I should get myself a few snail mail penpals. People who like to carry on as much as I do on the page. This week has been great for mail. In fact I love eBay because it makes my mail all the more exciting. On Tuesday I recieved a game in the regular mail, it was registered so I had to sign for it. Then I figured that was it for the mail that day but that evening I recieved two more delivered to my door (in Australia we have letter boxes out the front of the house at the end of the driveway, I know in some places your mail comes in a slot in your front door etc.) It was two books for Kaylie and another game for me.Yesterday I got another parcel in the regular mailbox mail. Another game for me. The mail was more exciting than the game however so I'm thinking that game will probably go back onto eBay It is a fairly old game and it's surprisingly hard to get the hang of. The controls are difficult and awkward. They really have made leaps and bounds in the game designing industry these last ten years.This morning I did my writing again. I was still struggling with the house concept, I settled on a couple more details such as a horseshoe driveway and offwhite exterior. So instead of getting into detail about the house I introduced Jake's vibrant, famous actress, sister, Jaccine. She flew home from L.A. (to Australia where the book is set) ultimately because an ex-actor ex-boyfriend is stalking her but the rest of the family don't know that yet. I suppose I should have Emma ask if she could write an article/interview with Jaccine. She could definately make use of the introduction for her writing career. The writing was pretty easy once I got into things. I had to look up an earlier scene because I didn't clip the information about Jake's family from it. Details like his mother lived an hour north which means his three brothers live nearby because they just drove an hour north. His sister Jaccine lives in L.A. etc. and Carla, the hostess of The Dating Game is his other sister. Good stuff to know because in this chapter I'll need to reinforce that information. Carla will have to have come up to join them and Emma already knows her. We'll meet his artist mother and his three farmer brothers and their wives and kids. Sounds a rowdy affair Lots of fun.  But that's in the coming tomorrows. Today I forgot to start my timer again. I know I wrote for more than the twenty minutes because it got flowing quite well. I also know that I paused the writing to look up the information needed. Ultimately it all came together well but I hate forgetting my timer, it's frustrating. I like to hear it ring and know I've accomplished my goal. It was not a drama this time because I know I put the full twenty minutes in. I'll have to keep my timer in a more prominent position so I don't forget it tomorrow. The reason I forget it is because I've got it tucked away so the kids don't play with it. Darn timer. Now I suppose it's onward to the day ahead. Time to get Kaylie ready for school and spend the day with my mother. More errands and a little housework. Hopefully not to much of either. |
| They did it again this morning but the again I put them to bed at 7PM instead of 8PM. I might try the 8PM option tonight and see if that makes a difference. Meanwhile, it took a while to get my brain into gear this morning. I sat at the keyboard, pulled up my outline, pulled up my current chapter and read the last few paragraphs trying to work out how to continue. I rambled on for a while before hitting my stride which is, of course, just before the timer went off. They've just pulled up to the Jake's brothers farm and I have absolutely nothing in my head about their house. I'll ponder on that matter today and see if I can't get a picture of this place going. I need to be able to see it if they are going to be spending the day there. Kaylie went back to school yesterday. Thank goodness holidays are over. They weren't too traumatic for me but it did toss our schedule about a little. Josh had a decent nap yesterday whereas he'd only been having short breaks for the last two weeks. A package arrived with the post man yesterday around noon. Another of the games I had won on eBay. After he left I assumed there would be no more mail today but two more packages arrived at 6:30PM just as I was feeding and bathing the kids. Another game and two Hairy Maclary books I eBayed. The books are for Kaylie's birthday on Saturday. I've got one more Hairy Maclary book on it's way which will hopefully arrive in time. So she's got a lot of Hairy Maclary books and a Hairy Maclary video for her birthday. She's going to love it. My brain is starting to get moving a little and now it's time to get breakfast into me and the kids and get Kaylie ready for school. |
| Last night I forced myself to bed at a reasonable hour instead of playing my new game. Kayle (lol, I mean Kaylie, my novel is starting to cross into real life, I based the little boy Kayle on my daughter Kaylie. went to bed an hour later than usual because I was watching SuperNanny while she had her bath and then got dressed. We waited till she show finished before putting her to bed and this morning she was still in her bed when I woke up. Maybe an 8:30PM bedtime for her is more reasonable. Josh went to bed the same time as usual last night and was up every hour from around ten crying. I kept at it with the separation technique trying to ignore him and keep sleeping initially but when that didn't work I turned on the lamp and read the magazines I'm researching before submitting to. This seemed to work as he would then go back to sleep. I kept at it all night which means I got a lot less sleep than I normally would when I give into him. But if I keep at it then the frequency of his wakes should dwindle. Does anyone have any tricks for getting a one-year-old to sleep through the night? This morning I didn't give into his crying until 6:30AM when I'm waking up anyway. He was awake at 5AM and at 6AM and when I stirred out of bed he woke up but didn't reach the stage of crying before I got him out of his cot. I'm hoping that by getting him up before he's crying he'll stop associating crying with a way of telling me he wants to get out. I want him to think that if Mummy doesn't come when he starts making noises then she's not going to come even if he cries so he might as well go back to sleep. This morning the writing flowed well. It feels good and I actually came up with a great way for them to spend Sunday which develops on the existing backstory. They'll be spending Sunday at the farm that Jake's brothers own together. It's a weekly family event for Jake and eventually when Jake and Emma are married or at least official (epilogueish) Emma's family will join them each Sunday. I'm once again looking forward to tomorrows writing. It was hard to make myself stop today but it's better to stop while I'm feeling good about writing than keep writing till that feeling disappates. At least now I can spend the day and night looking forward to writing tomorrow. Last night I had a really vivid dream. I don't usually dream so this sort of dream is either one of two things. It's either a premonition of something that just happened or is about to happen or it's a serious story idea. I'm going to develop it as a story idea because regardless of if it actually happened it would make a great book. I saw things unfolding as if watching it at the movies and I think it's movie material too. It was only segments of the initial concept but it was rivetting. I'm so glad I followed my instincts when I woke from it to write it all down. I still remember it now because I spend a good half hour writing it down and trying to remember all the little details. This was at 3AM mind you. I'm looking forward to going over my notes but I probably won't do more than type my notes up until I've finished the first draft of The Dating Game. I don't want to feel conflicted about the two stories or mix any details up in my head. They are two very different stories. I'm really excited about this new one but I'm content to let it roast a little in my mind to get to all the juices. It should only be another month or so before the first draft of The Dating Game is finished. My mind is already searching for the perfect title, I'll have to make sure I listen to the notes it's writing but I don't want to act on the official writing of it yet. I hope everyone else is having such an inspirational day. |
| Why won't they stay asleep? It seems like my mornings are getting earlier and earlier. This morning, it's chilly but still the kids want to be up and at it. Why won't they stay asleep snuggled in their beds until I'm ready for them to be awake? Just another hour or two, please. It's enough to make me want to tie them down to their beds. Kaylie is ok, I can send her away to go back to bed or to play quietly in her room but when she and Josh get together there is trouble. This morning I couldn't even send Kaylie away to take care of her brother. I've got the dog locked inside the house with designated toilet breaks on a leash because he gets under the shed and escapes into the street. He's been terrorising the neighbourhood and being an agressive little mutt, not to mention getting the neighbours dog pregnant. I had him desexed him a month ago thinking that could help things but it hasn't done anything (except in preventing all the dogs in the neighbourhood having his puppies). So he's locked inside until I get the shed blocked up enough that he can't keep escaping. Anyway, this obviously means that I've got to get up and check for little presents that might have been left during the night. I don't want Josh coming across these deposits and thinking they look mighty interesting and tasty. I also had to get the fire started and put some warm clothes on Kaylie because it was so cold. So I'm still tired. Josh is very fussy, either he's still teething (he's cut two teeth this week) or he's coming down with something. He's dozing, fitfully on my shoulder at the moment. I did get my writing done this morning. In fact I did it early since I was up anyway. I was writing away but all I could hear is the voice of my critique going, "Your readers won't care about all this. You should only put in the stuff that's important." But I don't know where to break off. I mean he drives her to her sisters, they gather her stuff and he follows her car back to her place, takes the kids inside, puts her son to bed, gets stuff out of her car blah, blah, blah. None of it really means anything except character development. We get to see what sort of father figure and husband Jake's going to make and we get to learn a little more about Emma's life. But it's all so boring. I expect it will be cut from the draft. That decision is for later. At the moment I'm only worried about getting it all on the page. If I start rethinking what I'm writing I'll stop being able to write anything. I think one of the reasons I'm struggling at the moment is because I didn't outline Sunday enough. What could they do on Sunday? They are going to spend the day together and then have dinner at Emma's house Sunday night. But I don't know how to fill up the day. |
| Ok, so I freely admit that I'm dangerously addicted to this new game. Playboy: The Mansion. It's a simulation game (one of my favorite types of games) and it's based on the life of Hugh Hefner, the creator of the magazine, Playboy. In the game you live in his mansion. You have to hire staff, journalists, photographers, and Playboy models and bunnies. Get them to write articles take pictures. You have parties inviting all the most famous, actors, writers, politicians, supermodels, scientists etc. Chat them up and get them to give you an interview or a cover shoot or take them to the nearest horizontal surface for a bit of hanky panky (usually as well as getting your scoop There are specific goals set up that you have to accomplish as well as getting out the monthly issues of Playboy. These goals follow events from Hef's life. As rewards for accomplishing goals you get new items and build extensions to the mansion. The grotto is great, it's a huge cave extended to the existing pool with a spa in it. I wish I had a mansion with a grotto. So, despite good intensions to just complete one more goal, or get out one more copy, or finish this last party, the game hooked me in until about 10PM when I decided I had better get off the computer so I could shower and get to bed. Josh was restless as I was headed to bed so I got him up to give him a feed but he fussed a fair bit. Maybe he's teething. Just as I decided to stay up to watch the late movie until he settled down again the power went out. Figures, so here I am with a restless baby, nearing midnight, with no lights. Not the easiest of situations obviously. Thankfully I keep a torch handy, it has a LED light that keeps flashing so I can see it in the dark. It came in really handy last night because it was the only light in the room. Blinking away on top of the computer tower. I took Josh and the torch back to bed and lay there with him trying to coax him to sleep. With no lights and no noise he seemed to drift right off. After he was in bed I crashed into mine and slept until he woke up about 5AM this morning. The power was back and had been for a few hours according to the time passed on my blinking clock. Josh was fully awake and I was still barely functioning. So after his feet he pushed himself off the bed and trooped down the hallway to wake his sister up. I was beyond caring, at least if she was awake they would play together and I could doze for a little longer. Two restless nights, mostly caused by this ensnaring game and a possibly teething baby. *sighs* I feel terrible. But I did get my 20 minutes down as usual. The zoo trip is finally finished. Tomorrow is saying goodbye at the doorstep or maybe I'll have him come inside, I haven't decided yet. Going to think about it today as I play host to my family for our Sunday lunch/dinner (at my house this time, interspersed with them house hunting through the home opens). |
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