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Bare and uncensored personal expression. Beware!!! |
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** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** "This is pretty much what journals are all about, at least to me. I knew as I wrote them that even though they provided an excellent place for brain (and heart, and psyche) dump, they were mainly a map of me." --- Colleen Wainwright "Writing gives you the illusion of control, and then you realize it's just an illusion, that people are going to bring their own stuff into it." --- David Sedaris "Please write again soon. Though my own life is filled with activity, letters encourage momentary escape into others lives and I come back to my own with greater contentment." --- Elizabeth Forsythe Hailey "In giving of myself onto these pages every day I allow myself to write regardless of the depth and meaning. I share myself with others without fear of recrimination for these are my thoughts, my feelings and my very being, and there are non who's opinion of me matters more than my own." --- Rebecca Laffar-Smith   The Writer's Round-About |
| With the hopes of my own credit card arriving in the next week I'm back on the trail of my ancestors. I love genealogy, it's exciting to find links to my family and learn the paths we've taken through time. Much of my family came from England on my father's side and England and Ireland on my mothers. It was wonderful to be able to confirm my Irish heritage because I've always felt very Irish. I think a big part of my heart belongs in Ireland although I've never been there. I do plan to visit at some point so hopefully a holiday in Ireland can go on my budgeting plans some time in the near future.  I have a feeling I might be able to trace a line on my fathers side back to Ireland too however it's been illusive and the road is a tough one. Many of the names on my tree are very common, and one name is so uncommon that I suspect it's either been recorded incorrectly in the past or had been changed from something else. Just on the rare hope that any of you might be interested my current names of research are WINKWORTH, HIGGINS, LAFFAR, BARKER, and CARPENTER. If any of you have connections to these names be sure to drop me a line, the chances of a link are rare but not unfathomable. I've been lucky enough to come up with a solid link to the Winkworth line thanks to GenesReunited. In fact, GenesReunited also got me in touch with my paternal Grandmother Brenda, we are rather distant despite living in the same state. My father and I rarely connect with each other so most of his side of the family aren't in contact either. Anyway, I connected with a distant cousin who lives in the UK and is in contact with a Great Great Auntie. Jo is so warm and friendly and it was wonderful to know that others in our family tree are also doing family history research. She was able to give me some details I didn't have about the Winkworth line, particularly information about my Great Great Auntie Gretta. She was glad to find a connection to my Grandfather Percy and we were both able to confirm a few details. It's also wonderful to hear about her life now days and the life she's had in the Police Force. For those of you who don't know, there is a difference between Genealogy and Family History. I do both technically because to do your Family History you need to do your Genealogy. Genealogy is specific only to names and dates (and sometimes places). Your family tree is genealogy because it doesn't list any details. Family history gets into things like occupation, appearance, friends, and basically anything to do with history. Genealogy is the Who, When, Where and Family History is the What, Why, How. I'm looking forward to my credit card arriving because it will allow me more research freedom. You need a credit card to subscribe to the information on Ancestry.com or anywhere that gives you an index on the UK census. You can also use a credit card to order birth, death and marriage (BDM) certificates from the General Register Office in the UK. I have a few certificates in my basket at GRO waiting for credit card details. Well, another love of mine revealed. And an interesting (hopefully) journal entry for a change. Do any of you enjoy looking into your family's past? I recommend giving it a go if you have even an inkling of interest, I can't promise you won't be sorry that you started because it's not easy and it certainly takes time but you will love the information you can reveal and the stories within the stories you will find. |
| Now I've got my mortgage account (Equityline) sorted out I've been knuckling down to developing a habit of budgeting. I'm new to it all and it certainly seems fairly complicated but hopefully by keeping track of my spending, and sticking to my goals I'll be able to develop a sound saving plan as well as get the renovations on my house done. For the moment things seem distant because what I earn comfortably fits what I currently spend but doesn't leave much left over for savings. I think over the next few weeks I'll be searching out ways to save money and I know I'll be surprised by how much I save because I always over estimate rather than underestimate. For example, I say my electric bill is $100 every two months when usually it comes in under $80. I budget for $100 that way if I have a high month I'm not left short but more often than not I don't need that much so I save money there. Same goes for my Gas and Telephone bills. I round up all expenses and round down all income. I downloaded a terrific spread sheet for tracking my expenses. It's very full with details and gives you a great idea how much your spending. To that excel book I added another page where I can keep track of how much within my limits each fortnight I've spent. For example, I budget $100 for food each week so within the fortnight I have two weeks of food listed at $100 each. If I go shopping, like I did this morning, for milk and bread etc. I put in how much I spent and subtract it from the $100 limit to see how much shopping budget I have left that week. Same goes for other categories like medical, entertainment, electric, gas etc. I'm also aiming to keep strictly to my shopping lists when I'm out. I plan to stop buying chocolate and other junk stuff that doesn't satisfy hunger and is an impulse purchase which I don't need. By sticking to my list it helps take away the temptation. Now it's a process of sticking to my list until the temptations no longer jump out at me. I have to break the habit of buying those items just because they are there. Today in the shop I was tempted to get a cherry ripe for the ride home, it's not on my list so no cherry ripe. I miss the cherry ripe but I've saved money that can go towards my goals for the house. Those little purchases add up quickly if you aren't watching them carefully. I know, I'm only 23 remember, so it's understandable that I'm only now coming into this sort of process. Most of the people who read my journal have probably been doing their own personal budgeting in the way that works for them for years. If you have then idea's and comments are very welcome.  It's one small step for the financial world, one giant leap for Rebecca's bank account. Wish me luck and will power lol. |
| Well I couldn't think of anything to write today and so I was reading instead and the Short Story Newsletter mentioned journal groups that offered prompts. I thought that is a pretty splendid idea because it allows you to focus on a subject, particularly when you can't think of anything worth writing about. So, thanks to the Short Story Newsletter, today's entry is about CANDY!!! No not my old dog, although she was the sweetest Candy I ever loved. I'm not keen on what Candy brings to mind because when I think of candy my head conjures up these powdery textured lollies. But I think I'll focus the prompt to mean all kinds of sweets. You can't beat Chocolate. But more specifically all Chocolate must be Cadbury's. There is no other Chocolate. (Note: The word Chocolate must always be capitalized, it deserves emphasis, I'm tempted to always bold it too.  )Do you people in other countries get Cadbury's Chocolate? Or is Australia the luckiest country in the world? You hear about these other Chocolate companies, like Red Tulip, Nestle and Heritage amongst others but they aren't Chocolate, not real Chocolate. Not a glass and a half of full cream dairy milk, Chocolate. Note to Everyone: If you're going to send me Chocolate make it Cadbury's or I'll treat it like hate mail I also love liquorice (did I spell that right?) I was told that it's made out of seaweed and I have no idea if that is true or not but I don't care. Liquorice is beautiful, especially when the cravings hit. My cravings for liquorice don't last as long as my cravings for Chocolate. But I'll get into Liquorice strips, squares, bullets, etc. Mmmmmmmm..... I also love what I call jellies. Jellies include Strawberries and Cream (the lolly variety not the real thing), Chico's, Jelly babies, rasberries, cars, and pineapples. All of these are the chewy lollies and are great. When I see a movie I load up a bag of jellies from the lolly selection. Not many other candies that I'm in to. Kaylie enjoys chuppa chups (lollypops) But I could get back into Chocolate. I love Cherry Ripes, Mars Bars, Milky Way, Caramel, Malt Crisp, Curly Whirly, M&M's and Smarties. You also can't get past a plain Dairy Milk Block. I love Easter because you get about a Dairy Milk Block worth of Chocolate in bunny shape. For some reason Chocolate shaped into a bunny tastes even better than a plain block.Anyone else incredibly hungry? Now where did I put my block of Chocolate? |
| Well I've been very slack, I could try to pretend that I've not had a connection for the last few days but truthfully that wasn't why I haven't posted in my journal. Most mornings I've slept a little later than usual. I need the sleep because at the moment I'm weaning Josh and trying to get him to sleep through the night. It's working well as each night he sleeps better and he's starting to get the idea that breastmilk is no longer an option. It can still be hard to keep my resolve all hours of the night but so far I haven't given in. Last night he went down without arguement but he was tired. He actually went down early because he was fussy, miserable, kind of tired. It meant that this morning he wanted to wake up earlier but I resettled him and eventually got him back to sleep. I let him get up after 7AM and hopefully that will mean he'll be ready for be about 7PM tonight. I might also aim to make his day nap an hour later than it has been. Normally he'd been waking about 6AM going down for a nap about 10:30AM till 1:30 and he's grumpy, ready for bed about 6PM so it was a struggle to keep him up till 7PM bedtime. Today I kept him in bed till 7AM, will aim for an 11:30AM nap time and hopefully he'll be ready for bed at 7PM tonight. I'm still yawning and it's 7:40AM now. I've also been sick these last few days. Part of what made me decide to wean Josh now was yet another case of mastitis. Because feedings were irregular it's been difficult keeping things going. As I'm sure I've said before, when I get sick, I get really sick, so things like this can be a real problem. Thankfully this case wasn't too bad, it didn't reach the point of full blown infection and I suspect that has something to do with the way I countered the effects as soon as I realised what happened. Things seem to be getting better now. I do have good news. I finally own my house. Finance went through on Wednessday so things are finally all settled and I'm the proud owner of a 100,000 australian dollar mortgage. Now I can put my renovation plans into effect, or I could if I had some money left over. It won't take long to save for that as I'll be doing lots of little things over the next few months but hopefully not spending too much money in regular day to day life. Now is the time to hoard money to invest into the house so that in a year or three I'll have improved the house drastically and can sell for a good profit and use the money I make on the sale as a deposit for the kind of house I'd really love to live in. (Double brick for starts, I hate brick/veneer lol)More bad news is that while I thought Paul (my ex) was covering my broadband from his credit card until I sorted my own out, apparently he wasn't.  I'd been sending him the cash for it each month but payment for the past two months bounced and yesterday I found out that I'd recieved a disconnection notice. I don't actually check my ozemail email so I didn't know about the prior notices. I don't think this has anything to do with my connection difficulties but it could mean I'll be disconnected in the near future. Hopefully I was in time to get it paid without trouble and I'll have my own credit card soon so I won't have to depend on Paul for anything.Not much else going on. Looks like I'll be doing a lot of reading over the next few months because I don't want to spend any more money on other entertainment. I'll have to be careful financially because things are a bit of a balancing act at the moment if I want to get ahead. It's almost tax time so hopefully that will help. Anyway, enough from me, you've all got more interesting things to be reading and doing and I've got a bunch of entries to catch up on since I haven't spend my time here this past week. I'm looking forward to seeing what everyone has been doing. |
| My internet connection has been playing up these last few days. I suspect perhaps all this rain is effecting the phone cords sunk in the ground between my house and our telecommunications pillar. It's about time Telstra did some maintence but since Telstra tend to take forever to do anything I'm not holding my breath. Someday the telecommunications industry won't be solely controlled by Telstra and we'll get better prices and service all around. It's been about three months now since I applied to my telephone provide (Bdigital) to switch to their broadband plan. I'm currently using ozemail broadband so I know my line is ADSL enabled but for some reason Bdigital have to wait for Telstra to get back to them about the quality of the line. I'm just glad I have an existing broadband connection. Paul applied for Telstra's own broadband and they told him they couldn't activate his line until August. Talk about slack, but it's their loss, so many months without a regular paying account. It doesn't sound like good business practice but when they have complete control of all the cables in the country they don't really care who they piss off. I mean what's the worst we could do? Go elsewhere for our business? Nope, can't. On more unreliable business practices it's now been three months and I still don't own this house. 3 weeks it took them just to get the title from conveyencing and since my bank were the ones on the title anyway that is just rediculous. Anyway, last week I called again because the week before I'd signed the papers and was told that finance should be through by the end of the week. A week later still nothing so I called again, "next day or two" That was this time last week so I called again. Apparently it's on the desk of a senior manager who has to sign off the closing of Paul's mortgage account but it should be all sorted out in the next day or two. If it's not in by noon Friday I'll call again. And again noon Monday, and noon Tuesday and every damn business day until it's done. Imagine if I'd been waiting all this time on the finance to go through, settlement has come and gone. What if I'd been waiting to move into the house? What if Paul was waiting on the money to buy his own house? As it is my mother is waiting on a repayment of a loan I owe her so she can settle her own new house. It's just crazy, we are running out of time and I can't understand why it's taken so long in the first place. I've already signed the papers now so I can't even change my mind and go elsewhere without it costing me a heap of fee's. *sighs takes a big breath to calm down* Basically business practice in some places suck. If it were my business I'd be firing people until they did their jobs right. On the phone with the bank today I got passed around about four desks until they put me onto the woman who'd been handling my claim. Technically it's no longer her case because she's passed it onto finance but she was at least able to chase it up for me and didn't hand me off to someone else again. I was a little worried that my file had gone missing for a while there, no one seemed to have any idea what was going on. Didn't I just take a deep breath? Ok, I'm finished ranting now. It's obviously a bad day for business. I might leave everything in that sense for a few days.I just wanted to let you know that my internet is a little unstable at the moment so I can't promise to be here every day, nor at any particular time. Hopefully it won't last all winter (the next three months). But then it's Telstra, wouldn't surprise me at all. |
| Thank you to everyone who helped me celebrate my birthday. I think your wishes were granted because I did have a very nice day. It was a beautiful and after the innitial chaos wasn't nearly so bad as it could have been. I was able to enjoy time with my dearest family and while they couldn't stay as late as I'd have liked it was a lovely evening. Lots of cake and goodies to go with the roast dinner I cooked which turned out perfectly (as my roasts usually do) One of the interesting gifts I received was a book called "The Way In". It's actually two books, one is the book you read and the other is a book of lined paper (stationary, *drools*) It's about journaling and the art and history of keeping a journal/diary. Reasons why keeping a journal is good for you and the various forms of journals people have created over the ages. It's all very interesting and I'll probably set the book part up as a bookcrossing book when I'm finished reading it so if you'd like your chance at it let me know and I'll send it to you in the mail (so long as you promise to send it on to another when you are finished). I don't feel any different today. lol Not strange I know, but when I was a kid I remember feeling so much older the day of and after my birthday. This year the day before yesterday and today are very much alike. I just realised I didn't get to make a wish last night. Mother moved in on the cake cutting because I was busy with the camera. Not that it matters, I wouldn't have known what to wish for anyway and I can always make a belated birthday wish if I think of something. I think I'll wish for peace and happiness around the world. Paul was online this morning and Kaylie enjoyed seeing him. He cried when he saw Josh. I think being so far away helps hit it home that he doesn't get to see them so much these days. Josh is going to grow up barely knowing his father unless Paul makes a real effort. I don't think I'd have had the strength to give up my kids like Paul has, she must be one hell of a lady (or I must be one bitch of a wife lol). I saw her on cam occasionally and they do seem beautiful together. She cares about him and he adores her. It's interesting to see them together, the envy is there but not so much for the people but for the light that shines in the relationship they have together. I want someone who'll love me like that. I know it'll come in time but meanwhile I'll go float on fantasy, maybe a Greek God fantasy so I can be with Scarlett. My Mother-In-Law is taking the kids out today. So hopefully I'll get a chance to see Star Wars III. Finally!!! There are a few movies currently out and soon to be out which would be great to watch. I'll have to wait till they come out on DVD for the most part. I might see about swinging my mother into baby-sitting and taking my sister/s to see Mr. and Mrs. Smith. They are both looking forward to it but one is more likely to come watch it with me than the other if we can arrange it. Meanwhile, this ramble alert I'm beginning to develop is going off. I've also got to finish getting breakfast together for my hungry kids. Have a fantastic day everyone. |
| Well, the day is here again. The day I remember in the past as being so wonderful but as an adult usually sucks. I can't help but get my hopes up for a fantastic day but it's never the same as when I was a carefree child. I can't believe I'm only 23, I feel much older than that. I mean I have a five year old daughter, I must have been insane to think I was an adult when I was 17 and giving birth to her. This morning I thought I'd cook up pancakes. I actually wanted another warm bowl of porridge but Kaylie didn't want it three days in a row. Pancakes are alright but they go on my 'too heavy' list along with pizza, lasagne, spaghetti, etc. Only to be consumed occasionally or when you're particularly depressed and need something heavy. Maybe I'll just do one pancake for Kaylie and have cereal myself. I have to go up to the shop later today. It's days like today I wished they'd passed the seven day trading. I voted for seven day trading. It would make things so much convinient. If the small businesses can't compete then they should step up their quality. I mean today I have to go to Farmer Jack's, it's the only grocery store that is open (nearby). I hate Farmer Jack's, produce is frequently out of date and of shockingly poor quality. Personally, if Farmer Jack's went out of business because of seven day trading I'd be very happy indeed. Anyway, I'll have to go there with the kids early today to get a butternut pumpkin, drinks, milk, bread, anything else I might need to feed my family this evening. My sister should be bringing a cake so I don't have to worry about that although I could make something too, just in case. You know, birthdays as an adult suck. I liked it better when you woke up and didn't have to do anything but open presents for the whole day. I think I'd love a birthday where I could lounge around a resort, no kids, some handsome guy to do my bidding, brandy, snow, a fur rug and a warm fire. No worries at all and that handsome guy dressed in nothing but a red ribbon. Fantasy land, makes days like today much more interesting. Meanwhile, I better get the pancake mix going. Got a lot of non-fantasy things to do today. *sighs* Housework and cooking, two of my least favorite pasttimes. |
| Well it's all well and good to have a journal but these pushy reminders are beyond me. I'm tempted to tell the reminder where to go. I mean as well intentioned as it is it can't understand that I would rather not bother today. But since I did say I would write daily, and since there are probably friends in the online world wondering where my entry is today I suppose I should write something. Personally I'd rather stay away from the computer completely. Sitting here makes me remember the book I should be editing. And my resolutions to write every day. And the fact that I'm not doing either of those things. It reminds me that I try to call myself a writer but am not writing. It's all well and good to say I'll have a break but if you think about it I had only earned a few days and I've taken what a week, two, could it even be creeping towards three? In a regular job (at least here in Australia) you earn leave. You are entitled to two weeks (sometimes four weeks depending on the jobs) every year. But you aren't automatically entitled as soon as you get a job to those weeks whenever you want them. You earn them. A day and in some jobs even an hour at a time. I worked six weeks writing the first draft of The Dating Game. So how many hours of leave did I accumulate? And since that book was written in 20 minutes a day, seven days a week, over six weeks I guess I only put a total of 14 hours into it (is that maths right? 20 minutes times 7 days times 6 weeks devided by 60 (minutes per hour)? Doesn't seem very long. That's like two days regular work (2 days to write 40,000 words?). Technically working on those figures I haven't earned any leave. I think it's definately time to give myself a push. You know what ran through my head when I said that to myself just then, "Why not wait until after your birthday?" lmfao Damn Caliban can really come up with some interesting procrastination excuses. No, tomorrow morning, I'm going to be here at 6AM editing my book. Twenty minutes of editing. I should do another twenty of writing but I do understand the start small theory so I'll start with twenty minutes of editing and ease into the extra twenty of writing. Another Caliban excuse coming up. It's telling me, "But Paul might be on Yahoo at that time and will want to talk to Kaylie. You can't put him off because he only has that time to talk to her." *sighs* In a sense that's true. But you know, I'll deal with that problem if it comes up. Paul didn't connect this morning. I had told Kaylie he would be on and she could see him via cam and he didn't show up. I felt like a fool. I usually deliberately don't get her hopes up about that sort of thing. I know how disappointing it is when 'Daddy' doesn't keep his promises. Mine disappointed me all the time and I usually overcompensate by not letting my kids know about any promises their father made until they are happening. Of course, I needed to explain to Kaylie why I was getting her ready early so I told her. He didn't show up so we twiddled our thumbs waiting for him. She was upset when we had to leave for school and she hadn't seen him. I'm pissed off about it now, he can't string his kids along, they are too young to understand. All they know is that he didn't care enough to be there when he said he would be. Going off on a tangent. lol it's funny how easy it is to write when you sit there and do it. I started this entry not wanting to write anything and once again deliver a deluge of useless mind-vomit. I appologise to any off you who ended up with it on your shoes. I hope my entry makes your day seem more interesting. |
| My entries are falling behind. I blame the fact that most of the people I frequently read didn't have an entry the other day. Just because you all do have a new entry now means that I better get one too. Because I haven't been writing, I've not been in the frame of mind to do my journal either. It's strange how the two things connect. I need to get back to things. Maybe I'll get back to the twenty in the morning but instead of trying to use it to write on a new story while I'm still in the editing process of an old one I'll use it to edit. Perhaps once I get one project finished I'll be able to start the new one. Paul (my ex) contacted me yesterday. As I suspected his mobile phone doesn't roam that far so he's not available via mobile. I didn't think to get a contact phone number from him. Apparently he and Sherri (the 'other' woman ) connected well when they first met and Sherri's 13 year old Alex has taken to Paul as well. I'm glad things are working out for him because I was a little worried I'd have to deal with a beg and plead when he got home. I thought perhaps he'd realise she's not like what he though she was and come back hoping to patch things up so that he hadn't thrown away his family for the sake of a fantasy. We can remain friends so I'm glad things are working out for him.Kaylie sat on my lap while we talked to him this morning. Not for long, it was late afternoon where he is so he was obviously busy. But for us it's the best time because she's awake, we've got time before getting her ready for school, and she's not asleep or at school. Yesterday when he was online she was at school but he got to see Joshua for a few minutes. It was Josh's naptime so I turned the cam off since Josh was fussing too much.My feelings are mixed about it all. I'm glad things are working out for him but I'm still really jealous that he's over there and I'm not. I still feel hurt by it all too and while I'm trying to put that aside so I don't damage the relationship that we have left I can't help but feel betrayed. I'm trying to talk about 'her' without thinking of homewrecking and bitches. I'm sure she's a lovely person but it's really hard to come to terms with dramatic changes. A part of me still misses my husband. How long does that last? I guess a part of me will still miss the love we had. Time to have a fling with someone else lol, best way to forget the past.Despite that tingle left I don't want what we had back. He was an important part of my life and I'll be forever greatful for the time we had but I've outgrown him. It's still a shame that he won't be live in Daddy for his kids but I'm glad my options of husband are open again. I'd aim higher next time. My standards have grown because I know feel more self confident and have had a chance to see what I don't want in a husband. I've done a lot of growing up since I was seventeen. I'm beginning to look forward to my birthday this Sunday. We've decided to start having the alternate Sunday's at my house that way we can aim to make it dinner and the kids can go to bed same as usual while I stay up and have some adult time with my mother and sisters. I really enjoyed the day we spend at Tracy's house into the late hours but the kids weren't in a comfortable environment so they both crashed to sleep late instead of going down at bedtime. My mother bought me the Star Wars Trilogy on DVD. I have them on Video but it was definately time to upgrade, especially since I'll be buying the prequels on DVD soon too. Probably in six or so months when they come in a pack of the first three. It'll be interesting watching all six from 1 to 6 and see the story progress. With the retouching they did on the trilogy it would be interesting to compare the graphics from the first three to the last three. I'm a Star Wars fan, can't you tell? I was raised on Star Wars. Anyway, I better get the day started. Didn't even have a chance to take a pit stop or get a drink or anything this morning since I slept in past the time I told Paul I'd have Kaylie on cam for him. Time to go do all that now. Have a great day/night. |
| Well I'm guessing Paul got off on his flight safely and landed by now but I've not heard from him. The webcam he bought off Ebay arrived yesterday by parcel post and I've hooked it all up and checked it's working. The image isn't the best and instead of constant video like you get with a video camera it's jumpy. Only a second or two but it's more like a bunch of stills tacked together. It's interesting watching yourself while you are doing things on the computer. You try to remember to keep smiling but you have so many expressions and a lot of the time you have no idea that you use such a range. I recommend webcams for that reason alone. I don't plan to use the camera much to let people see me. I'm not really into the voyerish aspect. I mean is it really very interesting what I look like while I'm online talking to you? I could understand webcam to webcam you could almost have a face to face conversation, in fact I think this webcam has voice as well so I could have a face to face conversation via the web but I don't think I will.At least Paul will be able to see Kaylie and if I can figure out the voice feature she can talk directly to him rather than needing me to type what she says. I guess more experimenting to come over the next few days. Sometime, eventually, Paul will check in to talk with Kaylie. |
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