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Bare and uncensored personal expression. Beware!!! |
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** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** "This is pretty much what journals are all about, at least to me. I knew as I wrote them that even though they provided an excellent place for brain (and heart, and psyche) dump, they were mainly a map of me." --- Colleen Wainwright "Writing gives you the illusion of control, and then you realize it's just an illusion, that people are going to bring their own stuff into it." --- David Sedaris "Please write again soon. Though my own life is filled with activity, letters encourage momentary escape into others lives and I come back to my own with greater contentment." --- Elizabeth Forsythe Hailey "In giving of myself onto these pages every day I allow myself to write regardless of the depth and meaning. I share myself with others without fear of recrimination for these are my thoughts, my feelings and my very being, and there are non who's opinion of me matters more than my own." --- Rebecca Laffar-Smith   The Writer's Round-About |
*a low grown eminates from the vacinity of the head behind the screen* My head hurts.  I feel like I've been washed up on the beach, tossed and tormented by the waves. I feel weak, insipid, totally drained and exhausted. Last night was rough and I really shouldn't complain because a big part of it is my own fault.Yesterday a game arrived in the mail. I had ordered it on eBay and was very excited when it arrived. Playboy: The Mansion for PC.  It's actually really good, the +16 rating is worthy and the graphics are pretty good. I freely admit to occasions of arousal  Beyond that is the story. You actually play Hef in his mansion publishing his magazine. It is a lot of hard work. Probably harder than Hef ever did. I though an Editor had to sort his desk to pick the best of all the stuff he has where as in this game Hew is the primary source of obtaining all the content. He smoozes celebrities and asks them for interviews or essays. He assigns his journalists to write articles. He hires the models for centerfolds. Chats up hot looking celebrities for cover shots and sends his photographer off for pictorials. It's really challenging and I've been having a lot of fun. In fact, I was having so much fun after the kids were in bed last night that I played until midnight. Yes, much too late for someone who needs 8 hours sleep and wakes at 6:30 every morning. I crashed to bed and tossed around for another half hour before falling asleep because I couldn't turn my brain off. Then Josh fussed and cried. I've given in too much in the last week. Instead of letting him cry in the separated sleep technique I've been picking him up and feeding him. Last night I tried to let him cry but he just wouldn't stop. I sat up to read thinking that if he could see I was awake and ignoring him he would sleep. He did settle down and I though he was asleep so I lay down again. He of course started bellowing again and this time he wouldn't settle. Eventually at 6AM I gave in and brough him into my bed for a snuggle and a feed. Thus, I've had very little sleep. My head is really letting me know it. Once I've finished this entry I'll be off to the kitchen to add a panadol to the osteorelief and multivitamin I take with breakfast every morning. On a writing note, I did send in my poetry.com Who's Who form yesterday. And I did do my 20 minutes with The Dating Game this morning. The time passed well and my timer dinged in a most satisfactory manner. I edited my "Invalid Entry"  , for ease of reading and to adjust a few details. It is a work in progress of course because as I write the story some of the details will flex and change. But at the moment that outline helps keep me on track. |
| I got an email today. Yes I know, that's not so unusual honestly. It's just that this email was from the people at poetry.com. Apparently I've qualified for two pages in an upcoming book, The International Who's Who in Poetry. I wonder how many other people were sent the same email. Poetry.com is given a pretty bad rap by some people because it's almost vanity press. You submit your poem and I think they probably publish all of them. So far all the poem I've submitted have been published, I've never known anyone to get turned down. It's tempting to write a crap poem just to see if they'll turn it down, but I don't want my name on a crap poem if they accept it. Mmmm, alias? I don't mind poetry.com because they don't demand money to publish your work. I don't know if they publish those people who don't order the book. I've not hunted around for a copy of one of the books I was supposedly published in which I didn't buy. If you have any of their books feel free to look me up and let me know if you find me. The Who's Who is the same. They've offered to dedicate two pages to me and all I have to do is fill in their form. It's free but you are welcome to buy the book. I know that's where they get their money. So many people want to own a copy of the book that their name appears in. A lot of people argue that since they are featured in the book they should get a copy free but if you think about it poetry.com can't afford to think like that. Each anthology has a hundred, perhaps more, poets published. It would not be cheap to give away that many books. Anyway, contemplating. I will probably fill in the form. It can't hurt to have my name out there again and it's only costing me the time it takes to enter my details. Besides, it's another credit on my personal bibliography. |
| I'm barely awake this morning. It's Friday mornings I most regret having to be up at 6:30AM. I like to watch Stargate: Atlantis which starts at 10:30PM Thursday and goes for an hour. That means I normally don't get to bed till nearly midnight. As I've mentioned before I don't cope well on less than 8 hours of sleep. I'm yawning away and trying to get my brain functioning. Perhaps Friday morning requires a coffee. I don't normally drink coffee but perhaps it would perk me up enough to function today. This morning I wrote the Nocturnal House scene. Or at least I started it, I was struggling and I though I still had ages of my time left so I started getting more involved in the scene and in the end the timer buzzed and I didn't finish. I'm actually feeling pretty good about this scene. After the innitial hesitation the story moved along well and while it will undoubtably still need a fair bit of work after my first draft is finished, it will perhaps need less than other scenes. I'm planning to outline and perhaps write a short story today. Short stories are not really my thing. Well in so much as I haven't had much practice with them. I'm not really sure what constitutes a short story. I've often felt one scene would count as a short story. Perhaps instead of outlining the story today I should research. I'd like to be able to write short stories. I'd also like to get some articles into circulation and I've still got a pile of magazines to study. I guess it's about time to get to it. |
| I forgot to set my timer this morning. I know I did 20 minutes because of the amount of time that passed but for some reason not having that timer beep off my time makes me feel like I let myself down. Perhaps I should start again with the timer going and do another 20 minutes? I guess I'll write this blog entry and consider that option. The truth is I finished another scene so starting the next 20 would mean getting into the next scene. There is nothing wrong with that obviously but I've been finding each scene has been broken into 20 minute chunks and it's really comfortable to write like that. This morning I finished the carousel ride. The end of the ride we get a paragraph of Emma thoughts where she begins to consider she's feeling a great deal for Jake but that she's trying to convince herself it's just lust. Just the beginning of the inner turmoil she'll go through by the end of the book and I'm thinking it needed to have been introduced earlier in the book also to reinforce here. Anyway, the novel is still coming along well and I'm very pleased with the progress. I'm about halfway through. Word length is no where near where it could be but I can always fill out the scenes when I edit. I was reading, "Write Faster, Write Better" by David A. Fryxell. There are some great ideas in that book. Some which I'd read elsewhere, some I'd already applied and some others that I could stand to listen too. One involved writing near perfect first drafts. I suspect this is something that will take practice. But perhaps I should stop thinking along the lines of 'I'll fix it later, I'll fill the scenes more completely later' etc. The truth is I'm so pleased that the story is getting on the page however bland and rough it is. I don't want to get into the process of self editing as I'm writing. I've learnt the chaos having that running critique going through my head as I write. If I start saying, "Nope don't like that line, that word, needs more here, needs less there," etc. I expect to find myself moving backward more than forward or at least stalling. So, at least this time around I'll write with the hopes of needing very little editing but without sensoring the run of words. Perhaps in this technique David A. Fryxell and I differ. Or perhaps it's a hard lesson I'll learn eventually by experience. When I'm more confident and have had more practice writing and editing I think the first drafts will improve anyway. So as my very first, first draft I'm letting it fly a little. Goodbye for now. I've got guests coming for the day. Thursday, the day of going out and getting things done, enjoying a lovely lunch and the company of adults. I really enjoy Thursdays  |
| I recieved a comment on my blog. Woo Hoo! Thanks for reading scarlett_o_h. In response to your comment, re: "Half in and half out of the world" "I have that eerie 'here and not here' feeling a lot - maybe it's a writer's condition. You do well to write with two demanding youngsters and you express yourself well too. Blow the tidy house - do what YOU want to do, you deserve it!" said scarlett_o_h I'm glad I'm not alone in having that eerie feeling. Perhaps it does have a relation to being a writer. After all we are often half in and half out of our story as well as our lives. Perhaps my mind was considering the intricate weaves of 'The Dating Game'. I wish I could disregard the house but I've done it too often in the past. It's only in recent weeks that I've taken a stand against those bad habits. It's my new dedication to a schedule and accepting the things I have to do that keeps life running smoothly lately. It is that dedication that allows me to sit down and write every morning, that dedication is what allows me to know that when I sit down I'll have the words to put on the page. The routine has made a huge difference to the time I can put aside to do what I WANT to do. If I do what I don't want to do now, then it is done and I can do what I want to do without feeling guilty about what I should have done or should be doing. If I let the house stay messy then tomorrow morning when I'm writing, or even tonight, I'm thinking I should have done those dishes, I should stop writing and go do those dishes, or vaccuum or pick up the toys etc. By having it down when I sit down tomorrow I'll know there is nothing I need to do but my 20 minutes. |
| Well today was a day in a half. Lets just say I'm not keen to repeat it. It was fun but perhaps a little too full on. I borrowed my ex's car so I could take Kaylie to a birthday party today. We started by going shopping for presents for the boy who's birthday we would be celebrating. Of course as always happens when you are stuck in the longest queue of the whole shopping center my daughter needed to go to the toilet. She's so good about trying to hold on as long as possible but the stupid checkout operator was stuffing around trying to get something back into the box that she'd broken so it held everything up. I should have left the trolly there and just grabbed the kids. Anyway, long story short she ended up having a slight accident. Not enough to leave puddles but enough to wet the clothes she was dressed in to wear for the party. Since we were at the shops anyway I just bought something new to change her into. (I love being in a financial position to do that, it's still a fairly new position. ) I wrapped the presents and we had hot dogs for lunch.Then we went off to the party. She had a lot of fun playing with her school friend and his sister and some other kids from around their neighbourhood. I enjoyed chatting with the Mums and Josh had some fun too, especially the cake. Kaylie started crying her little heart out when it was time to leave but she always does. I don't know how to get around that problem except to make our exits quickly.We stopped in MacDonald's to pick up dinner on the way home and for a toilet break. Unsuspecting us. Stupid MacDonalds. There wasn't enough toilet paper. Thankfully I keep wet wipes in my purse so it wasn't a total dilema, just frustrating. Why don't they keep their toilets well stocked? Stupid public toilets. After we got home I sat on the computer to check how Ebay was going, check my Email etc. I popped over to poetry.com to do the latest Haiku and Kaylie saw the cut little bunny picture. Of course she asked what I was doing so I told her about poetry and offered to let her write one. Not the haiku, the specifics of form would turn her off trying, but we worked together and produced some cute, simple, rhyming poetry. See "Invalid Entry" . It was pretty interesting and I would have done more with her but three for today is pretty good. We'll do some more tomorrow and add them to that book entry.Other than that there is little to tell. TV tonight and perhaps I should write some more of my own poetry. I might actually get around to studying the magazines I have. Take a fairly easy night to settle down the rather busy day. |
| Have you ever felt that strange sensation where you hear, and you see, and you feel but everything seems distant, false, ellusive? Today is a day like that. I'm here but I'm not here. My mind has wondered free of the moment but I don't know where it's gone to. I exist in the half way point between this moment and nothingness. It's an eerie feeling and I don't like it. It makes me feel like I have less control over myself. Control is a very important factor for me. I'm a self-admitted control freak. Today was a day for getting errands done. Joshua however didn't cooperate. For some reason he wanted to go down for his nap really early this morning and slept a long time. He obviously needed the sleep so I didn't begrudge him. He's still gone down on time tonight. Perhaps he's having a growth spurt. I'm a little excited about Josh today actually. He's finally starting to consider talking. He's just over a year old and we've been concerned because he hasn't been making sounds or trying to speak. By one a child should have about three words in their vocabulary. Today he said what could almost be counted as a word except that I couldn't get him to repeat it while I was completely focused on him. "Bubba" or "Booba" (with a short monkey-like oo sound not a long oooo sound) I call him my Booba although I didn't realise I did it so often that it might be his first word. I was kind of hoping for Mummy. Kaylie's first word was Daddy but since Daddy isn't around much and I'm able to spend the day saying, "Say Mummy, Josh, say Mummy." I thought the super-repetition of the word would encourage him to say it. Not so far, but perhaps soon. Kaylie was really good today. Both last night and tonight she's eaten all her dinner. That is an astonishing accomplishment. She's had bad teeth since she was about a year old and in January she had surgery to remove 9 of them. She'd never eaten much but since having her teeth fixed up her appetite has improved a great deal. Not only is she eating more but she's also willing to explore new foods more freely now. Overall she's coming along beautifully. And for the obligatory mention of my writing progress. Things are coming along nicely. The Kangaroo feeding scene worked well and I'm pleased with the Zoo trip to date. Tomorrow's 20 involves lunch and if I get to it the carousel ride. It might just be lunch since I can finally get Emma and Jake talking more specifically rather than interacting without much speach.Perhaps I could have Emma ask Jake about himself and kids, why doesn't he have a family comes quickly to mind but Emma is perhaps a little too reserved to come right out at the issue like that. More likely she'll ask if he's had much experience with kids, does his brothers/sisters have any etc. But I'll guess we'll see where Emma and Jake take that conversation tomorrow. In the company of two young children it won't go far but it's a definately turning point in the novel since it is a milestone development of their relationship. Meanwhile, it's getting late and I should be getting off the computer. Much as I enjoy the peace and quiet this time of night is reserved for other things (like housework, a chance to get the house tidy and have it stay that way for a few hours while the kids are asleep). |
| Well I'm feeling a little better today. It helps that the writing flowed better this morning. I was writing that camel riding scene I mentioned and it seemed to work well. Next up tomorrow is Australian animals and feeding Kangaroo's. Things are working really well with the novel and while I know it's going to need a lot of work to get to a second, third and perhaps fourth and fifth draft I know there is a great story in the core, it just needs some crafting to bring it to the surface. I was looking over my poetry folder today. I don't have any five stars. It's great that in this community people are careful with their ratings, it means the results tend to be much more honest than in some communities I've been a part of. But I couldn't help wondering what I could be doing to perfect my poetry. What elements are missing that prevents my 4.5 star poetry from getting the honor of 5 stars? While poetry isn't my main focus in the writing world it is primary to my happiness. It keeps me fluid, it compresses my form, enhances my diction, focuses my mind and releases my spirit. I'd like to improve my poetry ten fold and know that my poetry is something special but I need help learning what it is I could do to improve how I write. |
| I've really nothing to say to you! No not you avid reader, YOU the blank page. You see, in my inbox is one of these lovely reminders about my blog. And in truth I know she would like to hear from me today since it's actually been more than 24 hours since my last entry. I don't really want to bother. I don't have anything to say. Why Bother! Ok, so you're picking up on a rather melancholy mood. Well Duh! But time is time I suppose so here goes. Did my 20 minutes this morning. It was jilted and I didn't finish the scene. It sucks. I already know I'm likely to rewrite the whole lot when I come back to it after the first draft is finished. I'm already dreading the editing/rewriting phrase to come and I'm basically feeling very down. I might be writing decent chunks of length and at least I'm getting the basics of the story on the page which is better than I've ever really done. But come on, do I have to be such a terrible writer? Why does everything I write sound terrible. I write like a fifth grader. Who's going to want to read this crap? Yep, again, having a bad day. I think it's emotional overload. I know I wasn't feeling quite this terrible this morning. I was a little grumpy this morning, and a little detached. I couldn't get interested in anything. The feeling sucks.Went to the Zoo today. More emotional overload. To tell the truth it wasn't so bad. I thought going out for the day with my ex would be hard but we fell into patterns of old. Almost as if we were still together except I paid for me and the kids and was a lot more confident making choices and doing things for myself. Oh and of course we didn't do any touching, kissing, cuddling or even holding hands. The surprising thing is I'm not longer wishing I could do those things with him. No instead of wishing he'd just hold me occasionally I wish 'he' wouldn't. That's not to say I'm not wishing some man would. Yes, I know, emotional overload. Today was research as well as pleasure. Kaylie loved the Zoo and I knew she would. But I've got some idea's running around in my head. Today I was analising all the things we could do that the Zoo. We being Emma and Jake of course because it's really them. They're going to have a lot more fun than I did today. After all they are 'in love' even if they aren't calling it that yet. And I'm going to add some interesting things that didn't actually happen today at the Zoo. A camel ride, holding a tamaran monkey, feeding the kangaroo's and watching the crocodile get fed. All things that could have happened today if we'd have been intent on having those sorts of things happen. Paul isn't really open to having interesting experiences. So we didn't do much more than wander around looking at the animals. I have so many photo's of everything. 130 photo's. Digital camera's rock. Only problem is since I reformated my drive I don't have my graphics program installed yet. I'll have to dig up the disk to install it so I can get to playing with the pictures. I've got some great Meerkat shots. Oh and I had one of those Scene to Believe images taken of Kaylie and Josh. It looks like they are sitting with the lions.Well, there you go, an entry. Boring, dull, uninspired as it may be. But an entry all the same so I can now tell my inbox reminder where to go. Till next time, have fun and keep writing, avid reader. Oh, and shut the hell up Blog. |
| This mornings 20 minutes was strained. My novel had detoured a little from the outline, instead of having Emma's sister babysitting at Emma's house I had the kids and Emma staying at her sister's house. I had planned for Jake and Emma to prolong the date and then spend the night together with Jake meeting her kids over breakfast in the morning. This idea wasn't working for the story so I allowed the detour but for each moment off the original plan it felt harder to write. I'm starting to look forward to tomorrow however because I can get back on track. I'm feeling great about the progress I've made. Not only have I been loyal to my promise to myself to write every day but my book is really coming along nicely. I've got just over 10,000 words and tomorrow will be heading into chapter 4. A bit short for halfway through but I did skip a lot of the 'dates' from the game. I only wrote Emma's first date, her date with Jake and their longer date that followed. On my outline I've got mention of all of her dates and I'm still not sure if I'll get into doing all of them although it could be a good way to get to know Emma better. I've also got to time how long what I already have for each date takes. Since each date should take 10 minutes and then 20 minutes I need to be sure that the conversation etc. extends that long and doesn't go over that time limit. Obviously if it comes in under then the date needs some filling out which will help the word count for that scene. All in all things are progressing very well. I'm very proud of the progress I'm making and feel really good about this book. Emma is a lot like me and yet already I'm starting to see differences between us. The date Jake and Emma go on with the kids tomorrow to the Zoo is actually a reflection of my own plans this week although my day at the zoo is actually in the company of my ex-husband rather than a date. But since I don't have a car I invited him along. He'll enjoy the time with the kids, the kids will enjoy some quality time with their father, and we now have transport. I think things have worked out rather timely actually. Tomorrow morning before the zoo I'll be writing the scene where Jake comes to pick Emma up. He's going to get invited in by her sister Sue and will join them all for breakfast and meet the kids. That means after my own trip to the Zoo tomorrow I'll have fresh 'research' and lots of information to put into the scene I'll begin on Sunday that involves Jake, Emma, Kayle and Jessie at the Zoo. I'm already excited. |
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