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2,325 Public Reviews Given
2,325 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I try to be honest and positive. My Christian faith is an important background factor. I hate rating low but have a system that determines how I grade.
 
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My Philosophy of Rating and Reviewing  (E)
How do I assess people's work when reviewing?
#2259390 by LightinMind
I'm good at...
More interested in the content of what you write than the style. Theological, political, historical, scientific, or experiential, or indeed anything that paints a vision of the future. A good grammar checker will tell you about spelling and commas.
Favorite Genres
Not entirely sure as I like most stuff. I prefer something with a soul rather than purely secular. But I like Sci-Fi, anything Christian, and also 'What-if' type speculations with plausible plots.
Least Favorite Genres
Anything that fails to look for a way out of the darkness. You can be dark, just don't wallow in it. Generally, I try to steer clear of Fantasy, and most Dark or Horror stories just make me laugh or grimace due to their ignorance of the dark side.
Favorite Item Types
I have really liked some of the heartwarming dramas I have read here particularly personal stories. Thought-provoking poems or stories are cool also though I am no expert on poetical forms.
Least Favorite Item Types
Anything that is just an affirmation of the dark side. I hate empty words. I always look for human intelligence. I try and avoid Fantasy and Horror where there is no metaphorical resonance or connection with real-world truth.
I will not review...
I mainly review at random and just see what grabs my attention. I will usually skip stuff I do not like unless it gets me riled or if it is interesting for other reasons.
Public Reviews
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Review of Fear  
Review by LightinMind
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Received this via random review and was intrigued

Reader Experience

You spell out fear with the first letter of each line. Each line describes being afraid.


Commentary

It did the job, it rhymed, you are right to fear is illogical and yet the experience of it is very real. I did not find your poem that scary but it ticked all the correct boxes. Quantifying that missing x-factor is the hard thing but like the reasons for being afraid it can sometimes be elusive.

Thanks for sharing


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Review of When it comes  
Review by LightinMind
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (1.0)
Received this via random review and was a little confused as to why you posted it.

Reader Experience

World War Three starts sometime in 2064 and results in the world returning to a pre cold War configuration.


Commentary

There are so many grammatical and spelling errors in this I would not know where to start. I recommend you use a tool like Grammarly in the future which would show you what I mean. I loaded your text into this review and just about everything is underlined in red. Also, the story makes no sense, has no appreciation for the development of technology and geopolitics. You seem to want to revive old Cold War national configurations like the USSR and Yugoslavia but why, no rationale is given and no explanation about how this could come to pass. A local nuclear war would most likely destroy the planet.

Thanks for sharing.

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928
Review by LightinMind
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Received this via random review and stayed as a Brit to read an American account of the Boston Tea party

Reader Experience

Hoodlums board three ships and proceed to throw their cargo of tea overboard *Wink*


Commentary

As a Brit, I must admit the American revolution is not regarded as a glorious chapter in my nation's history. There was deep incompetence in the administration of the colonies up until the revolution. Mercantilism and monopoly trading made profits for aristocrats and cemented Britains control and the profitability of its trade routes. But then it did have a lot of wars to pay for, many of which it fought in defense of the colonists. Americans had enjoyed peace for almost a generation since the British had expelled the French from Canada and they had always had more freedom than people back home. The old loyalties were breaking down and I am sure local businessmen resented the prices the British charged them for tea. This incident sparked a bloody revolution and in the end this all worked out and Brits and Americans became friends again. America is larger and more prosperous for having broken free and Britain learned valuable lessons from its experience going on to build the largest empire the world has ever seen over the next century. One wonders what the world would have looked like had Americans and Brits remained in the same team for that century.

Thanks for sharing an interesting and informative piece.


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929
929
Review by LightinMind
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Received this via random review and stayed to visit a fallen soldier's grave.

Reader Experience

Shaun's father was killed in some war. He was buried in a military cemetery with a lot of other soldiers. Shaun is being brought up by his grandfather as his mother also died 4 years after his father did. The grandfather feels the loss of his son and the little boy misses his dad as he sits on the swing which used to be his father's favorite place growing up.

Commentary

Very well written piece. I was engrossed from start to finish even though it was a simple thing that they were doing. I wondered why the Grandfather found it hard to find the grave unless it was one of those big military graveyards far away from where they actually lived. With so many wars to chose from this story could have been written for today or indeed at any time in the last century.

Thanks for sharing such a moving story.

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930
930
Review of Grave Diggers  
Review by LightinMind
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Received this via random review

Reader Experience

A strange world with very hot days and moonlit nights. The gravediggers bury people in the night. Apparently the sick and weak get sedated and buried alive in this place.


Commentary

In such a brutal society, with such hot days, I wondered why they did not opt for cremation. There was no rationale for the ritual of burial given nor why it was necessary to cull the weak and the sick so abruptly. Were there resource shortages for instance on a hostile planet with monsters in every direction?

There were some difficult phrases here that need some attention:

we find ourselves misfortunate enough the live in = we find ourselves misfortunate enough to live in

but Semeriand there be monsters and terrifying beasts, or so the stories go. =
but in Semeriand there be monsters and terrifying beasts, or so the stories go.

Sickness, frailty, weakness, they like to pretend they’re immortal = Whether sick, frail, or weak they all like to pretend they’re immortal

we fall file out into the cold dead of night = we file out into the cold dead of night

intentionally hanging as far back from the rest of my group was possible = intentionally hanging as far back from the rest of my group as was possible


Thanks for sharing

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931
Review of Carolina's Curls  
Review by LightinMind
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Received this via random review and stayed for an inspiring tale

Reader Experience

Carolina's hair falls out and so she wears a spectacular hat to school. An understanding teacher and class finds inspiration in wearing hats of their own


Commentary

Making the best out of a bad situation and turning a negative into a positive spring to mind. I liked the courage and energy and inspiration of Carolina here. She does not surrender to the dark side just because the dark side has taken so much from her. She continues to live in the light and to love as long as she can.

Thanks for sharing this.


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932
Review by LightinMind
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Received this via random review and stayed for an interesting letter

Reader Experience

AC writes a letter to granny articulating the pain of her existence. Her coping mechanisms seem to be shutting down large sections of her humanity. Darkness shrouds dreams she cannot remember. She remembers the bullet points of her existence but the emotions are deleted out. As storms calm, she does not recognize the person she is becoming. Is this better than the raw pain it replaces or not. Is the bid to be normal worth the loss of deep inner spaces too painful to explore anymore. Granny seems to know God, maybe that is why AC writes to her.

Commentary

Not sure from the letter what the source of this pain is but it sounds intensely physical and consuming of the person's consciousness. No doubt a drug regime dulls this and various coping mechanisms but this leaves the person suffering somehow detached from themselves. Looking in on a tortured soul they cannot bear to engage with and yet who remains them. Granny has a better focus with God and only God can give the kind of strength to endure and overcome the deepest of pains. You write well but seem trapped in darkness until the last lines when you appeal to this old lady, who no doubt has also felt pains in her much longer life and who has found solace through those with the God who made her and you.

Thanks for sharing.


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933
Review of Mother Nature  
Review by LightinMind
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Received this via random review and was intrigued

Reader Experience

Mother Nature is personified. She is angry at what man has done to her creation and is bent on revenge and clean up. So deep darkness falls upon the earth for a season and great storms and earthquakes. Those who survive wake to a new world when the darkness passes.

Commentary

Nature is quite brutal when considered on its own terms and without reference to God. From my Christian perspective, the first human profession was as a Gardner and then as a farmer and we have not been good stewards of what we have been given. We trample and destroy what we have barely begun to understand and we break the harmony that exists in creation by doing so.

The first line in a story is important and yours was too long and could be broken into two.

picturesque panoramas of beauty with each etched = picturesque panoramas of beauty, each etched

variety, and life but to no avail or respect from humanity. = variety, and life. But all to no avail as humanity continued to disrespect her.

Global judgments are quite devastating to all parts of the ecosystem and not just to humanity. A considerable loss of species diversity and the breaking of the harmony of complex ecosystems might all result. Destruction is not the best route to a new start.

Thanks for sharing.


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934
934
Review by LightinMind
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Received this via random review and stayed to hear what you had to say to Breast Cancer

Reader Experience

Well, Breast Cancer can take a flying leap from a high cliff or skyscraper. It kills good people and does not deserve to live. This is personal as a friend died recently. We are coming for you. Breast cancer you are going down.


Commentary

Earl had breasts!? Actually just googled this and 1 in 100 cases involve men, mainly older ones. So that was a surprise. The fight against cancer is a worthy cause and the desire to eliminate this is a good one. If cancer could be personalized then I guess it would be a kind of deformed psychopath who goes around killing indiscriminately. I guess fatter people with poor diets and more vulnerable, people who smoke or in certain occupations but you are right there is little sense of justice in the ones it strikes down and the ones it spares. There is some exciting researching going on right now. Indeed the BioNTech vaccine uses advanced RNA techniques originally developed to fight cancer. Maybe we will see some proper treatments in the next few years that do not involve amputation, surgery, or chemotherapy. Anyway here's hoping you live up to your name Dr.Cure.

You might want to correct this line:
You are a cold-hearted killer but know thus! We will beat you! = You are a cold-hearted killer but know this! We will beat you!

Thanks for sharing

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935
935
Review by LightinMind
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Received this via random review and stayed for the teen drama

Reader Experience

Katheryn wakes to sunshine in Phoenix but with an uneasy feeling that something is not quite right. She has plans to meet her boyfriend they need to discuss how they are going to handle the ending of their senior year. She goes to the kitchen to make a lunch to share with George. Someone left a coffee cup there and it has marked the counter with a ring. Apparently, the mum is a bit of a cleaning Nazi and will freak out about that. But attempts at remedial action end disastrously as she smashes her mum's crystal salt shaker. While she is desperately cleaning up her father returns and helps her out. He seems like a calming influence and he promises to handle the mum. Then they hear the keys turn at the front door...


Commentary

I was running through the sequence and it seems both the father and the mother have been up for some time and even gone out doing Saturday morning chores. So this is a typical teenager lie-in we are talking about. Waking up to an empty house with plans. She wants to clean that coffee stain, and then also the mess with the salt shaker up out of fear and seems to regard the mother as a bit of a prison warden. Fear rather than responsibility seems to be the motivation here. Using bleach on a kitchen counter seems a little dangerous. The father and the mother did separate chores. She seems to like her dad but not her mother so much. Clearly, her plans with George could be completely derailed if a mother loses it on her return. You communicated the teenager perspective in a fascinating way and if this is a real description of family life it seems that the mother is a bit draconian but as a result, the daughter has learned a sense of responsibility. The dad seems protective of his daughter as if he can handle his wife's temper but is concerned for her impact on the kids.

Now I think in my family my wife is probably the terrifying one to my teenage kids. I tend to stick up for them when she loses it on a cleaning theme. I wonder if Katheryn and indeed my own daughter will be just as foul-tempered about cleaning when their time comes. Aside from using bleach on a kitchen counter, this seemed an entirely authentic story which I enjoyed

Thanks for sharing.


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936
Review by LightinMind
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Received this via random review and since I just worked a 10 hour day it seemed topical

Reader Experience

We join our efforts for success with fake smiles that can get us into trouble. The work world is a sustained critique of our performance and intentions expressed as joys or regrets. It is good to reach high and for a better quality job. We are meant to build connections without adding toxicity. Having a plan helps us progress. Our expectations should match reality but we should not let our dreams die and keeping grabbing upwards.


Commentary

Some people are paid to interact with other people and others are paid to solve problems. I worked ten-hours solving problems which were plentiful today. I am the only one who could have solved the problems I solved today. I am regarded as being good at what I do. But then I told someone I just did not have time to solve their problem today and suggested a workaround they found offensive. One of their colleagues then threw a toxic tantrum and I found myself dragged into solving the problem anyway. I did it but it leaves a bitter taste being taken for granted like that and coerced by idiots who do not have an "f"..ing clue and now I am exhausted. Working for "success" in my case usually means lots of exams. I have these coming up shortly but with busy workdays, it is hard to concentrate, so I have taken a week's holiday over Easter to prepare for my exam. I worked hard to get into the position I am in and continue to fight to stay in it. Some parts of what you said resonated about the aspiration for success, the balancing of dreams and reality but I think you can only really be successful at something you love doing. I get a thrill out of solving problems but politics is something I hate. The more successful you are the more politics there is though. There is a sort of amicable yet selfish and competitive vibe to most workplaces. It can get quite brutal. Success never seems to be reaching a place where you can just stick your head above the clouds and enjoy the sunshine. We always seem to get stuck in some kind of fog, rain, snow, cold winds. Anyway, maybe this is just a bad day talking.

Must admit I found the phrasing here quite awkward. I liked this line:

Seek quality work by challenging ceilings;
Be socially outgoing, without damaged feelings.

But this one did not work for me:

Will lessen your care for dreams that you’ll nab,
So use your desire while hauling that “grab”!

Thanks for sharing


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937
937
Review of Hog  
Review by LightinMind
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Received this via random review and was intrigued

Reader Experience

A small child is put into the hollowed-out carcass of a pig for the amusement of the men who killed it. The mother is extremely angry and he is quickly removed by his father none the worse for wear.


Commentary

This is a provocative vignette. What were the grounds of the mother's anger? It is unlikely that you were in any danger there. But a hog is regarded by many religious people as an unclean animal. Is this the background, was it regarded as somehow demeaning to you to be associated with a wild pig. Definitely not on the scale of former British PM David Cameron and his antics in the Piers Gaveston Society with a pig's head! Or was she worried that clothes might be stained with blood and be unwashable, that her child might be traumatized by the experience? You did not actually say much though you said a lot here. But you are right a photo would have made a significant conversation piece for today.

Thanks for sharing.

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938
938
Review by LightinMind
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Received this via random review and stayed to meet your Grandma

Reader Experience

The reader describes his connection with his Grandma as something that will endure.


Commentary

The flowers are a symbol of hope and of life. They link you to your grandma and express something of the emotion you feel when you think about her. In one sense no matter how the seasons change and even if she dies she will remain with you in that image of flowers. These will be flowers that will forever bloom inside your heart.

With that in mind I would change the order of this line:

When you move,
I will too,

To

When I move
you will too

Because you carry your grandma in your heart not the other way around and especially if she has since died.

Thanks for sharing.

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Review of In The Beginning  
Review by LightinMind
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Received this via random review and was impressed by your faith yet again

Reader Experience

God created, we would not exist without Him. Can we really understand the mystery and the depths of this single act, these powerful words that underpin everything? Ignore the idiots that pretend otherwise the bible reveals the truth.


Commentary

We share this conviction so I am not going to disagree with your content here. The most controversial things you say are the suggestion of Mosaic authorship which is hotly disputed today. Like you, I accept the traditional view as it carries the most weight with what Jesus declared and I think the case for that is more convincing. Here you merely assert that position. Unlike you, I do not believe that God simply dictated these words and that is not the standard model of biblical inspiration. God inspires through people with personalities who write down what the Holy Spirit has given them. We read here truth expressed through a personality which is no less real or true for being that. We have examples where God just spoke through prophets and they were more oracles than interpreters of the Divine Mind. We also have examples where God directly wrote down his commands as with the Ten Commandments. But normally the model was inspirational rather than mere dictation. This distinguishes Christians from Hindus and Muslims for instance where a more oracular version of revelation is suggested.

I was unsure what format you were going for here, whether prose or poem. You could probably lose some of the semi-colons and replace them with full stops or just leave that blank.

You need to watch your tenses. In this stanza for example you moved from the previous present to past tense:

I sat down and ponder,
The height, depth, and power,
The mysteries and vastness,
No words can ever express.
As this life unfold,
This great mystery,
I am here in this world,
'Cause God created me.

I would rewrite it thus:

I sit down and ponder
The height, depth, and power
The mysteries, and vastness
No words can ever express
As this life unfolds
The unfathomable truth
I am here in this world
Because God created me

Also, the last stanza has some issues. You mix plurals and singular.

So you wrote:

Others may teach you otherwise,
And human knowledge may fail,
But what's written in the Bible,
Shall always and ever prevails.

But it should be something like this:

Others may teach you otherwise
And human knowledge may fail
But what's written in the Bible
Shall always and forever prevail

Thanks for sharing your faith.

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940
940
Review of Caress/Evade  
Review by LightinMind
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Received this via random review and stayed to hear a man rejected

Reader Experience

She does not want this man's attention his touch or his leering. He does not seem to get that until she says no and then he leaves.


Commentary

Quite a powerful expose on how the woman felt about unwanted attention in the workplace. The man blinded by his desire could not read these emotions. She had to work through fear, through her discomfort, through her disappointment with this work colleague staring at her breasts to find the courage to say no. Men are not psychic they need to be told and he has been so he moves away tearful.

Clearly sexual harassment in the workplace is quite topical. My own experience is of a woman misusing this new legal agenda to try and make some money. Having been fired for incompetence she accused my boss of sexual harassment and me of religious harassment. Neither charge made it to court since the woman was known to be deceitful and manipulative and neither case had any weight to it. She wore provocative clothing to work and parties and was a consummate flirt. When we discussed religion she would mainly initiate the conversations knowing that I was interested in it -so it was always a dialogue not me standing on an office desk and preaching at her. But being sued like that and seeing the pain that my boss, a married man went through also hardened my attitudes towards such feminist activists. I know this is a shame because there are a great many genuine cases and you described the discomfort this causes very well in your poem. But in the current climate, I have to believe this trend to establish consensual spaces around work colleagues has gone too far, to the point that men do not even want to talk to some women anymore.

Thanks for sharing a powerful and provocative piece which was perfectly expressed

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941
941
Review of Cowboy's Lament  
Review by LightinMind
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Received this via random review and stayed in the wild west for the duration

Reader Experience

Jack Muncy aspires to be a man that plays with more than dominoes. He is not a bad man but in just one night he is undone.

Commentary

This was engaging from start to finish. The language was an authentic cowboy and you captured the Clint Eastwood style culture of fights, drinking, whores and gambling. This young man aspired to be the bad man, Black Jack. His motives seem to be something more than just a cowhand. But gambling is a fool's game, not a career choice and he quickly loses his money to that and booze. Drunk he draws and is shot by a more level-headed man who knows how to play the law. You captured the sense of waste of a young life struck down, the quick transformation from brash young confidence to grey-faced and broken and full of regret. In a way, this story showed the cheapness of life in such a brutal frontier culture and the stakes involved. It underpins the modern American gun culture.

This was perfectly written and engaging from start to finish. It left me with a feeling of the brutality of the culture of the time and of the waste of a young life.

Thanks for sharing


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942
942
Review by LightinMind
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Received this via random review and stayed for an authentic story.

Reader Experience

Boy meets girl and young love complete with smooching is born. It brings parents from very different social backgrounds together so that they become friends. It changes classroom routines so that they can be together. They did not end up together but she has a special place in his heart.


Commentary

Was interested in the different social backgrounds and the ways in which love crossed that divide. One family wealthy, the other characterized by relative poverty but with the respect and dignity that comes from serving their country in the military. The relationship helped to bridge that divide with what appears to be a genuine friendship between parents and Joan and the author. Also, Joan ended up marrying a military man, so maybe the echoes of her first love shaped her own romantic inclinations for life also. The military life can be rootless with continual moves acrosses state and national borders, with long periods of estrangement from family and friends. But such experiences as young love can help sustain a person through difficult experiences.

I loved this and thought it was well expressed, thanks for sharing. It is nice to be able to focus on the content as a result.


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943
943
Review by LightinMind
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Received this via random review and stayed for the inner trauma

Reader Experience

The poem describes a person trapped. Their actions are regarded as inadequate, they are frustrated and anxious, and ready to give up. But should the boulder of their problems be allowed to fall and roll it would crush those they love. They are screaming at themselves loudly inside the soundproof box of their own experience.

Commentary

The person in the poem holds on to one positive in all their troubles. They love and care for people and do not want these people to suffer as a result of their actions. It is that that sustains them in their darkest moment and keeps them going on. Also, it appears that the writing down of such inner darkness, its articulation in words helps to alleviate something of the momentum of this boulder. Sometimes words push the boulder to start its roll and sometimes they hold it in place and start to chip at the grand edifice of all that is wrong and painful and unbearable, which it represents. The poem describes a person with a choice perfectly balanced between social responsibility and self-destruction. But they can make that choice to move towards the light and to choose love over self-hate.

Thought the poem expressed very well what you wanted to say albeit lingering a little too firmly inside the darkness.

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944
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Review of JUDGE NOT  
Review by LightinMind
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Received this via random review and stayed for the wisdom

Reader Experience

As the bible says, judge not lest you be judged. In the same way that we condemn others so also an all-seeing God could condemn us. So we should just get on with our duties without being lazy nor for the concern of great reward.

Commentary

Of course, it is true that the same ways in which we judge others often reveal the darkness inside ourselves. But the capacity of discernment, which seeks to separate right from wrong, and reach the motivations of the human heart, runs very close to the appearance of being judgmental. Every writer craves to look a little deeper than the others, to describe a little better, and many also have also chosen a side in the cosmic drama, whether that of God and the angels or the devil and his demonic hoard. So when a writer writes something with an implicit message does he always condemn himself or articulate something new and beautiful that God wants out there. Even if what he writes stands in judgment on his own person does that mean it should not be created? To some extent, judgment is a test that refines us also, deepens our characters with the punishments that are inflicted on us for our pettiness and our pride in assuming we know better. We carve deeper and deeper tunnels and caves into human consciousness with our efforts, only to find we have just begun to scratch the surface, and God is waiting in the deepest and darkest depths of who we are.

I loved this provocative piece. As with a lot of your work you appear to mix Christian and Hindu themes. On the one hand the Gita and on the other a Christian understanding of being made in God's image. Maybe it sounds judgmental but I do not agree that these two religions can be married in this way. The Christian distinctive include the one-time-only incarnation of God on earth in Jesus Christ and the Trinity. It is a historical religion in which God revealed himself in actual events and people. To try and find a way to marry these two different concepts of reality tends towards a moral relativism where nothing can be said and nothing can be asserted or trusted with any certainty. Maybe this makes Christians look judgmental but it is an essential part of the message to assert that salvation is found by no other name.

Thanks for sharing this powerful and provocative piece.


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945
945
Review by LightinMind
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Received this via random review and thought it was a powerful message.

Reader Experience

An older person looks back on their life as it draws to a close. They are not rich but have many reasons to be thankful. Their eyes and heart are open to the pain and suffering of so many in this world. A pain and suffering that exceeds their own.

Commentary

Even the poorest people in the Western world have running water, heat, food on the table, and mainly a roof over their heads. Compared to the jet-setting lifestyles of the 1%'s we all feel poor and deprived of the opportunities they have. But you are right there is so much to be thankful for and it a gift to be content with what you have, the kind of peace that indeed bodes well for the afterlife to come.

Thanks for sharing.

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946
946
Review by LightinMind
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Received this via random review and stayed for the inspirational story

Reader Experience

A family worshipped gods of wealth. These did indeed make them rich but were forever hungry for more and more sacrifices. They started getting sick and even dying, punished by these gods. Ultimately they realized they had to give up everything these gods had given them in order to be free of them. They fled to another village with only the shirts on their backs. They converted to Christianity and their family has grown and prospered ever since. Today again people worship mammon and need to wise up to the fact that the sacrifices to these gods of greed and covetousness are not worth it. Better to follow Jesus Christ.


Commentary

I loved the basic storyline which carries a message across time and space to all generations. Better to serve Christ than false gods who demand too high a price for the things they give.

There were a few issues with the text which need looking into to improve the story's impact.


"Mother, please tell us how you and your family leave your old religion?" - "Mother, please tell us how you and your family left your old religion?"

An issue with tenses e.g. They know that if they are rich, they will also be powerful. - They knew that if they were rich, they would also be powerful.

They have to sacrifice animals such as goats, cock, to please these gods - They have to sacrifice animals such as goats, or cockerels, to please these gods.

They were very happy as they control the village - They were very happy as they controlled the village

Thanks for your powerful story and a welcome message.

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947
947
Review of A Displaced Man  
Review by LightinMind
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Received this via random review and stayed to find hope.

Reader Experience

A man is portrayed in Winter, cloaked against the cold and the wind. He has suffered many pains alone. He longs for the warmth and for the sunshine. He is searching for a way back to people and to laughter. The rain stops, he sees a spritely leaf baptized by the dew and starts to merge back into humanity.

Commentary

I like the movement and the direction of this. From despair to hope, from loneliness to society, from raw will to survive, to social interaction and warm humanity.

Two lines especially made no sense to me:

I befriend the snow angels on the dirty ground - in the context you talk about the cold and how he cloaks against it and the wind. But making snow angels implies lying on the ground in thick snow and it is a joyful image. So the image does not really fit the verse.

If I could just find the way to the civil - this line could probably be phrased better. "the civil" just sounds wrong. The idea is not the problem moving back to society, back into warm embraces, happy conversations, hugs, and laughter. The problem is the word civil it just does not work.

Thanks for sharing.

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948
948
Review by LightinMind
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Received this via random review and stayed for the drama.

Reader Experience

A woman is trapped by a painful past experience. She has created a nest of blankets by the unclear window obscured by raindrops and darkness. She rehearses the memories in her mind so that her anguish is always repeating.


Commentary

Is she wounded or clinging on to her pain? Is this inability to let go of past pains due to an absence of present or future opportunities for pleasure? It is raining outside not sunny. This reads like a dream or a problem in an endless loop. The only thing to do in such situations is to get up and go and do something else and then come back with the pain forgotten or with new strength and perspective. But she clings to her blankets and her tears like the raindrops are never-ending and she sits beside a window she never sees anything through.

I liked the descriptive power here and especially this line:

rain drips down creating tears
upon the unclear window pane

You had moonlight peering through the window while it was raining- unlikely.

Thanks for sharing.

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949
949
Review by LightinMind
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Received this via random review and stayed for your definition of a strong woman

Reader Experience

A woman has had enough, suspects that her husband is cheating, she is not getting any sex, and feels bullied. So having spilled the tea she pulls a gun (9mm G19) on her husband when he comes home and tells him to leave


Commentary

The strength to break a marriage has always impressed me less than the strength to keep one together. This woman sounds like a wimp to me who resorts to such extreme behavior because she lacks the emotional resources to talk things through. After all, he has never physically threatened or hurt her so a gun is way too extreme. On the other hand, if he is cheating that is definitely grounds for divorce so maybe he is also a bit of a wimp lacking self-discipline. But I did not learn anything about true strength here.

There is not so much wrong with the way you said it, I thought you built the drama quite well and the storyline was very clear. Thanks for sharing.

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950
950
Review by LightinMind
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Received this via random review and stayed to walk with this woman down the street

Reader Experience

A woman is walking next to another woman and is critically appraising the other woman. Her review comes complete with superior fake compassion, a self-righteous concern not to hurt her feelings, and a belief that a smile from yours truly, and a few encouraging words, can make this other poor woman's day. And then...


Commentary

This made me laugh and was quite insightful also. We see ourselves through rose-tinted glasses until we see our own reflection in the shape of a person we have just dismantled out there. Our well-meaning critique takes on a different meaning when we are the recipient of the good advice we dealt out.

This poem however reveals a deeper character, one who can laugh at herself and is the stronger for it. Loved it - thanks for sharing.


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