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2,435 Public Reviews Given
2,435 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I try to be honest and positive. My Christian faith is an important background factor. I hate rating low but have a system that determines how I grade.
 
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My Philosophy of Rating and Reviewing Open in new Window. (E)
How do I assess people's work when reviewing?
#2259390 by LightinMind Author IconMail Icon
I'm good at...
More interested in the content of what you write than the style. Theological, political, historical, scientific, or experiential, or indeed anything that paints a vision of the future. A good grammar checker will tell you about spelling and commas.
Favorite Genres
Not entirely sure as I like most stuff. I prefer something with a soul rather than purely secular. But I like Sci-Fi, anything Christian, and also 'What-if' type speculations with plausible plots.
Least Favorite Genres
Anything that fails to look for a way out of the darkness. You can be dark, just don't wallow in it. Generally, I try to steer clear of Fantasy, and most Dark or Horror stories just make me laugh or grimace due to their ignorance of the dark side.
Favorite Item Types
I have really liked some of the heartwarming dramas I have read here particularly personal stories. Thought-provoking poems or stories are cool also though I am no expert on poetical forms.
Least Favorite Item Types
Anything that is just an affirmation of the dark side. I hate empty words. I always look for human intelligence. I try and avoid Fantasy and Horror where there is no metaphorical resonance or connection with real-world truth.
I will not review...
I mainly review at random and just see what grabs my attention. I will usually skip stuff I do not like unless it gets me riled or if it is interesting for other reasons.
Public Reviews
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Review of The Awakening  Open in new Window.
Review by LightinMind Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Received this via the random 'read & review' button and stayed for a story on the important topical theme of race.

Reader Experience

A little boy Corey dreams of living in a white family. Maybe the white lawyer man will be his new dad..


Commentary

I grew up in a very multiracial environment here in Europe and the whole black-white thing in the USA mystifies many Europeans. The legacy of slavery seems hard to break and black people remain poor, badly educated, prone to crime, high illegitimacy rates, higher percentage of single mother homes and a deeply entrenched culture of victimhood. Yet I know highly educated and talented black people and by faith believe that all are made in God's image so the situation in the USA seems deeply wrong and an issue that needs addressing. Your story brings out many of the issues. Corey is ashamed of the poverty and flies he associates with his current home knowing that life with a white family would probably be better. He does not hate the people he is with but wants to save them from their circumstances. The woman has many children but there is no father around. Many black men are incarcerated by a criminal justice system that seems more likely to condemn a black man and give him a longer sentence. It seems that Corey has a mixed race background so might have been the result of a liaison with a white man by his mother, though this is not spelt out in the story. But the last comment makes no sense unless this is true. He thinks his whiteness, despite his dark brown eyes might have been his ticket out of there but actually neither whites nor blacks regard him as one of their own as a result. It is a toxic environment to grow up in yet still the mother has some dignity taking her children to church on Sunday. You captured the despair quite well and the angry distinctive language.

Powerful piece on an interesting theme. Thanks for sharing.


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Review of Serpent lies...  Open in new Window.
Review by LightinMind Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
You posted this on the 'items to review' screen, so I thought I would have a look.

Reader Experience

In the night a warrior against the darkness, with the light having earned to right to awaken free. There is a yearning for a return to purer beginnings and to reach onwards to a place of dreams which interpenetrates our beginnings and adds new dimensions of truth.

Commentary

The fight by night is an empty one governed by a hollow yolk and deceptions YET somehow it earns the right for the freedoms of the light. The remembrance is of purer beginnings and a place of dreams that seems linked to those origins. The light will reveal and break the deceptions. The dream is there in the morning and then in the evening also when all things come to an end OR the whole thing repeats again with a new night and then the new day that follows that. The Serpent rules the night with lies coiled around moonlight, it is laid bare in the light but is it ended.

The Christian vision is that we pass through the night to reach the day and Eternity lasts forever. The Hindus talk of circles. It is not clear which religious framework this poem subscribes to.

Thanks for sharing

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878
Review of Shaman's Trance  Open in new Window.
Review by LightinMind Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Found this on the items to review board.

Reader Experience

A vision of emptiness wrapped in shadow and darkness. A place to learn to forget your strengths and set your weaknesses free. A place where you learn you are blind but need to open your eyes to darkness. A state where you embrace silence in the stillness finding harmony with a new kind of grace.

In this twilight zone between what you think you know and the vision of a new kind of awareness comes a poem to debunk the blindness, assumptions, and core competencies to which you cling. A voice without personal shape or intent to meet instructs and guides.

Commentary

You describe a process of meditation that seems empty and devoid of content to me. Even if it is a new way of looking at things that let's go of what you think you know to embrace a deeper spiritual reality. As a Christian, I might embrace God as someone above my understanding in a cloud of unknowing, asked to relinquish assumptions and connect to the reality of things. But who do you meet in the darkness and the shadows? Does He inspire awe, inspiration, and the confidence of Eternity? Does His strangeness imply our minds are simply not large enough to rationalize his mystery or is this just a toxic cloud that obscures truth and poisons faith, blinding to substantial things that can be said and can be believed in? Does this vision enlighten or distract from the divine, misleading with fine words and empty paths to darkness. What are you in harmony with, a grace that enslaves with new and darker perceptions or which brings us into the Light?

Thanks for sharing. It was well written albeit utterly ambiguous.

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Review by LightinMind Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Received this via the random 'read & review' button and stayed for a brilliant poem

Reader Experience

On the Freedom train from Down Town...


Commentary

Loved this, loved the rhythm and choice of words. Loved the theme, the lost baggage and the surging energy and hope of the final stanza.

Only found one small mistake here:

A porters asks me for my ticket - A porter asks me for my ticket


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Review by LightinMind Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Received this via the random 'read & review' button and stayed for a well written and thought provoking piece.

Reader Experience

You describe a slow awakening into a commitment. But the language describes this suggests a shadow hangs over the conclusion of this.


Commentary

At first sight this reads like the growth towards a religious commitment that makes a person an evangelist for their religion. But it is all about the family ( or church) and it elevates the consideration of that above any kind of theological reflection. God here appears as a sort of manipulative recruitment agent slowly worming his way into a persons life with little gifts and communal affirmations. His goal seems only to be to grow his family and there is no reflection of the love that might compel that. God is Holy and therefore slightly alien and strange to our limited human understanding but here you manage to make Him sound slightly sinister.

For instance this phrase:

She felt the shadow of something passing by as her own hand committed her name to the list - This implies her consent was the basis of her recruitment and quite unbiblically it does not mention that only God writes the names of who are His into the book of salvation. So are you talking about another being here with lower motivations than Divine ones.

Anyway that is how it reads to me , sorry if I have misread it. Thanks for sharing


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881
Review of Chronos  Open in new Window.
Review by LightinMind Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Received this via the random 'read & review' button and stayed because I had some time *Wink*

Reader Experience

A poem about time.


Commentary

My main reaction to a poem of this sort would be to mention Eternity. That Eternity and time are mortal enemies is very clear but Eternity will prevail when this time tunnel has finished its journey from beginning to end.

That said I thought this well expressed and articulated many of the themes of its fourth-dimensional interpenetration of our existences superbly. We cannot halt its progress, its expression in the gadgets of time renders even expressions like tick-tock redundant as time begins to be expressed in only digital forms. Time heals, time eliminates the gap between the important and the insignificant among us, time marches with the aging process to kill us eventually. He never pauses even for a moment and marches towards the conclusion of all things.

And yet Joshua saw the sun stand still and we will live forever being ourselves a mix of the eternal image of God and the aging mortal creature. There are some who never died like Enoch and Elijah and there are those who came back from the dead like Jesus, Moses, and Mary. To elevate time in the way you do is almost as religious as my critique of your piece. How could you really know that time is all the things you claim for it? There is a measure of faith in these stanzas as there is in my suggestion of the transcendence of time by Eternity with a capital E.


Thanks for sharing

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Review by LightinMind Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
As a fellow competitor in the recent SciFi contest and with a love of SciFi I thought I would take the opportunity of reviewing what the others had written now that the competition is over.

Reader Experience

Karid and Brianda want a first-hand experience of Spring. So they stow away on the Researchers' ship. When there they play, stepping on flowers that scream and do not notice that the ship leaves without them. A great storm comes up. When the rescue arrives a few days later it seems they have aged 12 years and even have young children. But getting back to the ship they are suddenly 12 and 13 again. They seem undecided as to whether return or not.


Commentary

So I guess the concept involves some form of time dilation that occurs only inside the bubble of the planetary environment and which does not apply when you leave it. That implies parallel dimensions but without adverse physical effects from transiting from one dimension to the other. This is much like the Narnia effect that CS Lewis described. It also includes the same temptation to stay in that better place where one can be a king rather than return to being a mere child.

I found the text and characters a little wooden and the sentences were also child-like and simple. That might reflect the fact that children were your main characters. You tried putting everything in the present tense when more variety of expression might have worked better.

Thanks for sharing

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Review of Natural Immunity  Open in new Window.
Review by LightinMind Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: ASR | (4.5)
This review comes following your victory in the SciFi competition. I was interested in what you wrote.

Reader Experience

An Edenic planet surveyed by the Farsight crew holds much promise. But then contact is lost, and an armed corvette Paladin is dispatched to investigate...


Commentary

Interesting story of how the seasons on this planet in the HDEX 396671 system are dominated by such a discreet predator. It lulls its prey into a false sense of security for much of the year with some kind of soporific effect and then devours them in Springtime. Must admit I thought this was excellent, you built up the momentum to the surprise ending very well and you kept me engaged throughout. Also, I did not find any obvious or distracting grammatical errors.

I guess my questions would mainly revolve around the plot. The trees seem to be very indiscriminate in what they eat, how come any land life survives in such an environment?

Also, the crew of the Paladin did not seem very military to me and I would have expected them to take better precautions, to be able to identify any pacifying drugs in the atmosphere, and also to have better-followed protocols that would have at least preserved a crew in the ship in the event of the tragedy at the end of the story. This particularly having observed the foot in the shoe and the dearth of animals following Springtime.

That said I enjoyed this immensely.

Thanks for sharing

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Review by LightinMind Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Received this via the random 'read & review' button and stayed to wreck Rotterdam.

Reader Experience

On a bad day in Rotterdam...


Commentary

Rotterdam is the biggest port in Europe handling much of the Oil import traffic. So I figured a bad day in Rotterdam would have to at very least include a burning oil tanker with the flames spreading towards the BP, Esso, or Gunvor Refineries threatening to engulf them also. Also maybe dead bodies floating down the Maas from a disaster upstream and floodwaters from snowmelt. Then add on top of that being stuck in traffic. This poem did not really engage with the city. It could have been any city.

Thanks for sharing

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Review of Cloud Stories  Open in new Window.
Review by LightinMind Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Received this via the random 'read & review' button and I guess this is my lucky day as I got two of your poems in a row.

Reader Experience

Watching clouds and reading fairy tales in their continually changing shapes.


Commentary

It has been a cold spring here in Northern Europe and I am looking forward to the day I can sit in my hammock under the sun and occasional white fluffy cloud. A person can be so busy doing projects: working, reading, surfing the web, or commentating on this or that. But sometimes the experience of simply watching the clouds is both therapeutic and necessary. Let our own imaginations paint pictures and see patterns on the ever-changing canvas of the sky. Your poem was amazing and really brought out an experience I have both had and want to get back to. It expresses harmony and connection between the skies and our minds that we all too often allow technology to disrupt or even shatter.

Thanks for sharing this was extremely well done.

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Review of One More Memory  Open in new Window.
Review by LightinMind Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Received this via the random 'read & review' button and wow!

Reader Experience

Country Western-style story of lost love. Memories haunt like ghosts. Preachers point to God's big plan. But at this bar, they held hands and laughed in a way that is not easily forgotten.


Commentary

These are awesome lyrics and should be a hit song. I searched and could not find it on google though. There is more meaning and power here than in most hits out there though. I have nothing negative to say about this so sorry but you will have to settle for a gushing 5 stars.

I especially liked this stanza:

As I walk down the street I see
the places where you used to be.
I wipe my eyes and turn away.
I don't want the pain of yesterday.


Thanks for sharing

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Review by LightinMind Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Received this via the random 'read & review' button and stayed to ride a Ferris Wheel

Reader Experience

The experience of a Ferris wheel is both exciting and nauseating.


Commentary

We have a regular festival here in Germany in my wife's home town when we have Carnival. The kids love the rides and a Ferris wheel gives views and thrills. But as you say better not to have eaten too much before the ride. I liked your description here which brought the whole thing to life.

I did think the sequence was a little illogical. Surely the first verse should be this one:

Mommy, please, let’s go!
The shouts of excitement grow.
I just can’t say no.

Also, the excitement and views would precede the nausea

Thanks for sharing

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Review of Toilet Tiger  Open in new Window.
Review by LightinMind Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Received this via the random 'read & review' button and found it impossible to ignore.

Reader Experience

There is a Tiger in the toilet or is there?

Commentary

An adult male Tiger can weigh as much as 310 kilograms which would probably crush most toilets into a fine white powder. Yes, that would be quite scary as in the sterile environment of most bathrooms you would be his next meal.

But this image implies a stuffed Tiger, like a children's toy blocking the toilet. It is an image of rejection of the person who gave the toy and of the toy itself, or maybe a symptom of a childish tantrum. It also implies you have a blocked toilet and cannot flush and so we go full cycle as a blocked toilet can itself be quite scary.

So guess this image is quite pregnant with possibility and inspires all sorts of fears and then relief and then new anxieties.


Thanks for sharing

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Review of Home Fires  Open in new Window.
Review by LightinMind Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Received this via the random 'read & review' button and stayed because the poem moved me

Reader Experience

His Mom and brother Jack are longing for the soldier's return and then he makes it back for Christmas.


Commentary

I confess this one put a tear in my eye. The sacrifices of our war heroes who fight for our freedoms are also borne by those who miss them when they are gone and long for their return. So glad this son and this brother made it home safely. I was worried you were going to give it a tragic ending so the last stanza was a pleasurable relief.

Thanks for sharing

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Review of Lost Earring  Open in new Window.
Review by LightinMind Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Received this via the random 'read & review' button

Reader Experience

A boorish, self-centered star is about to do a show for her adoring fans. She needs to find the earrings that a man she is interested in marrying gave her. Grady finds it for her but receives no thanks. Grady is thinking of quitting and does not rate the star's chances with Jimmy her love interest.


Commentary

Well, one can sympathize with Grady. This star is a very unattractive person. She is quite busy with shows and thoughts of Jimmy I suppose but that does not excuse treating the staff like they were nothing. There are a load of small errors here:

Did you mean brass-necked or brazen? Brass by itself does not sound right.

Cadence, Candace or Cadance? You use all three to describe the star.

the jumble of bits and bobbles that where now scattered all over her makeup table = the jumble of bits and bobbles that were now scattered all over her makeup table

My Grammarly lights up red with commas and hyphens missing also and extra the's for example.

Thanks for sharing

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Review of My Friend  Open in new Window.
Review by LightinMind Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Received this via the random 'read & review' button and was intrigued

Reader Experience

From the picture, this is a poem about a homeless man and his dog. The poem is about a giant soul dressed as a dog who brings love to those deserted by all others. Maybe the two are the same thing.


Commentary

Well executed but being a cat person I doubt a dog's love has anything to do with real feeling. It is just a matter of conditioning, training, feeding, and the associative feelings of family affection that resulted. A cat is more authentic and does not pretend to love you but it insists you love it. A dog wags its tail and demands walks and frisbees and hugs. It licks you and brings you things you do not want. People say dogs are a man's best friend, but maybe the homeless man is just more comfortable, warmer, and more secure than sleeping on the streets with the rats.

Still for a dog person, not bad. Thanks for sharing

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Review by LightinMind Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Received this via the random 'read & review' button and stayed for the memories

Reader Experience

Wow, this brought back some memories. Charlton v Chelsea presumably in the FA Cup and the aftermatch daredevils.


Commentary

I used to have a friend who supported Chelsea as indeed does one of my brothers. I would go to the Shed quite a lot. But I was a Man U fan so we would alternate matches. The most violent match I remember was Chelsea v Millwall. People died after that match. Another match at White Hart Lane with my dad who is a Spurs fan we were a mixed group from both teams in seats. We watched a riot in the neighboring stand and people were stabbed after that game also. I remember my dad being quite shocked by the change since "his day". This was all before big money ruined the game and Abramovich. My impression is that it is quite subdued now compared to then. The ticket prices, all seats, and security cameras mean that it is no longer a yobs game.

Chelsea is all upmarket now and there have been no terraces since Hillsborough. I kind of miss the action and the risk if truth be told. At the same time, I am glad I survived those years.

Thanks for sharing, your piece brought all that back alive again. The bravado, the fear, the violence, the blind irrational tribal stupidity of it all, and Chelsea. I have probably seen them play at Stamford Bridge more time than most fans today. It is all so commercial and the media companies have too much power. I liked your piece because it sounded authentic and brought it alive. I guess someone would have to have really been there to recognize that quality.

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Review of Eight  Open in new Window.
Review by LightinMind Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Received this via the random 'read & review' button and stayed for the archery

Reader Experience

Hunters kill their prey.


Commentary

There is a confusion of weaponry here and I was unsure at first if you had some far-out colloquial phrases for components of a crossbow. But it seems you are talking about 4 different ways that the "unsuspecting" could die, by crossbow, by a leopard, by a mortar round, or by the swing of an ax. With all 4 together it seems like overkill and you kind of know that someway somehow they are going to die. When there is a doubt about this then it makes it more exciting.

Of course, this could all be metaphorical and you just talking about 4 different kinds of looks. It was not at all clear to me.


Thanks for sharing

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Review of Daffodil Sunset  Open in new Window.
Review by LightinMind Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Received this via the random 'read & review' button and stayed because I liked the poem

Reader Experience

A description of a sunset that compares it to a Daffodil.

Commentary

Daffodils are yellow as the sun is before it begins its final descent. I can remember some pretty spectacular Cornish sunsets when the headlands or the cliffs obscure those last moments. So what you get is the yellow sun suddenly disappearing behind a block of land. But it is not yet colored red because it is still too high in the sky. Technically I suppose that is not the sunset although it might be the last time you see the sun that day.

I must admit generally I am stood on a West facing Cornish beach when I see these kinds of sunsets having spent in the sun and the sand and tired from swimming and battling the waves on a surfboard. I will be throwing stones over the wave tops and the ocean will be empty of swimmers by this time. There is a sense of exhaustion about the day, gently fading away. But not sure if timid is the right word. The sun may lack the ferocity of mid-afternoon and be giving away to the night but I see it more as a spent force than a cowardly one running away. But Quiet and beautiful works for me.


Thanks for sharing

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Review of Sorting task  Open in new Window.
Review by LightinMind Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Received this via the random 'read & review' button and it seemed topical.

Reader Experience

This was written in 2004 and so it is not a Pandemic poem. It is about people hiding behind masks and its impact on honesty.

Commentary

Must admit I was hooked by the idea this was a covid poem. When I realized it was not it reminded me this is the way we generally think about masks. The whole discussion of burqas and layered masking as in cultures like Japan sprang to mind: Public face, semi public face then private face each layer concealed by a mask. The idea that masks obscure reality runs against the notion that the reality is that people generally hide behind masks and always have. The notion that tears cause the masks to drop if only for a moment obscures the fact that sometimes the tears themselves are a part of the mask, like a painted on tear drop. Crocodile tears are useful in a state like North Korea where you have to look like you love the beloved Leader and feel his pain when he is crying. The idea of interchangeability with masks is also a little controversial as we mainly craft our own unique masks. I guess it depends on the level of masking you refer to. Maybe on the semi public or public level there is more interchangeability than on the uniquely private level.

Thanks for sharing this thought provoking piece all those years ago.


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Review of Food Hunt  Open in new Window.
Review by LightinMind Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Received this via the random 'read & review' button and found it hilarious

Reader Experience

A hunter in the court room because of the game he killed.


Commentary

Hilarious but raises all sorts of uncomfortable feelings and questions, probably as you intended given the genre. Hunting accidents happen but cannibalism is another matter. Would you really need to skin a human being to eat them, it is not as though we have fur? Just wonder if Dick Cheney was tempted to eat Harry Whittington? It is not as though there is a food shortage in the USA and a hunter is therefore not only compelled to eat what he kills. Probably the main point the guy missed though was that people, made in God's image, are not just meat. We have souls. Glad they got the verdict right.

Thanks for sharing


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Review of Birthday Wish  Open in new Window.
Review by LightinMind Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Received this via the random 'read & review' button and was intrigued

Reader Experience

A lavish set of wishes for someone's birthday. Who could afford to give all this?


Commentary

My son once did not buy any of the rest of us presents at Christmas. Instead, he gave us all a handwritten note in which he told us what he liked about us. I laughed, treasured the note, and told him to never do that again if he wanted to receive presents from other people. But the list of gifts that you wish on this person is far more lavish than just wrapped gifts. They are lavish acts of kindness from all and sundry, happiness, health and wealth, and an appreciation of the beauty of creation.

Who indeed could afford such gifts?

Thanks for sharing.


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898
Review by LightinMind Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
Received this via the random 'read & review' button and was intrigued

Reader Experience

A jumble of interesting thoughts on poverty, socialism, social inequality, social Darwinism, the Second Coming.. to name but a few.


Commentary

This piece is interesting but lacks a coherent theme. Also, there are factual errors. Karl Marx did not invent socialism but was rather only the forefather of a very extreme version of it: Communism. You are obviously well read but maybe you were too ambitious with this piece and should have focused it on only one of the themes in it like poverty for example. The result here is a chaotic jumble of profound thoughts lacking system, clarity, and direction.

Thanks for sharing.


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Review of Seize Cruise  Open in new Window.
Review by LightinMind Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Received this via the random 'read & review' button and stayed for a brilliant poem.

Reader Experience

Press ganged, beaten, oppressed, half-starved and then drowned in stormy oceans takes the romance out of the sailor's life.


Commentary

Brilliant poem flawlessly executed. Maritime nations like Britain relied on these press gangs and built an empire on the sacrifices of these enslaved unfortunate souls. Remembering them now in poems like this is important and a helpful revision of the glorious stories of conquest and pride at maps which showed a quarter of the world colored red and belonging in our empire.

Thanks for sharing.


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900
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Review by LightinMind Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
You asked me to re-review this.

Reader Experience

Victoria falls for the newly elected President Naberg of DeLorea. She does a puppet show for the President's family which his kids love. Her friend Alicia does not like the president as much she does and takes action. Victoria is the one hurt by Alicia's action. The President took early action on the Pandemic and was hated by his wife for that. He divorces her leaving him open to fulfill Victoria's dreams.

Commentary

This was a much more professional presentation than last time and the pieces came together better. Grammatically and stylistically this worked very well. It was a fluently written piece.

At the beginning of the Pandemic German Chancellor Merkel took the prompt actions that you associate with President Naberg. But then Germany got fed up with the lockdowns and lax in their implementation. We are currently experiencing our third and most serious wave of this Pandemic. The hero politicians now are the ones that got their vaccination programs in as early as possible as in Israel and the UK for example. Also, the EU messed up its vaccination programme starting too late and negotiating contracts at the last minute leading to a failure of supply chains. So all we have are these lockdowns and this requires a will that is increasingly lacking to implement. So the story does not have that hero politician who took the hard choices for his people vibe anymore which was at the heart of it previously, as we are still enduring this prolonged lockdown and a lot of people have wimped out and caught the virus as a result. The solution to the Pandemic lies in vaccination more than the workaround which is the continual lockdowns, but until the vaccine is physically available we have these interminable lockdowns instead. You have Victoria revisiting the president for puppet shows prematurely because this is not over. He did the right thing but because the end is still some distance away he loses all the affirmation that would have come from being vindicated by events and I feel that circumstances and neglecting to mention any vaccination program, therefore, sabotage your storyline.

The ending is morally better but still suffers from the fact that it was an adulterous impulse that brought them together in the first place which neither of them was really that sorry about. Had Naberg died and come back then you could have suggested that he was released from his vows, by death, to a distant wife who did not support or understand him making the hard choices necessary for his nation. Victoria had no such commitment to be released from in the first place. So simply swapping the character's sacrifices does not work because it was this sacrifice by Victoria that convinced the president about her.

If his wife had slept with a rival politician advocating a lax approach to the Pandemic that would have technically released him from his vows because she commits adultery. Though she had forgiven him previously for sleeping with his secretary so does he look like a cad for not doing the same? I guess he was sorry about that affair but maybe his wife could be completely unrepentant about hers and then it might work. For it to work Victoria has to come to a point where she renounces her impulse to sleep with him and respects his wife and marriage and is comfortable with that. Also, the idea of marrying Victoria cannot be the reason that the president splits with his wife. I think your existing storyline implies that already but it could be spelled out better.

Thanks for allowing me to review this interesting piece again.

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