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Review Requests: OFF
3,537 Public Reviews Given
4,150 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I tend to review using a format that I can comment on plot, characters, setting, atmosphere and dialogue. I also try to point out typos/errors and that sort of thing. This style may change depending on the item!
I'm good at...
I'm better with fiction than anything else. I might be able to have a go at poetry but please don't expect too much!
Favorite Genres
Horror, dark, suspense, thriller, mystery. However, I'm open minded and will read most genres.
Favorite Item Types
Statics - fiction.
Public Reviews
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826
826
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hey!

This is a Power Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*NoteR*What I liked:

Well done on a really unique piece! I don't think I ever recall reading something like this; it faintly reminded me on An Interview with A Vampire, however, this is different in the way that she is definately in danger.

You've written this well with a strong narrative voice which really brings out the personality of the vampire, we see he is a lonely man, someone who wants company, but also someone who is used to getting his own way with no fear. All of this comes across in this short passage, so well done!




Hope this helped!


But well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  [E]
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Winner of eight Quills!
by Maryann- summer travel


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827
827
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hey!

This is a Power Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*NoteR*What I liked:

I have to say this is really nice and thoughtful poll! I think it's nice that you've asked the members of the community to consider how happy they are (because then I believe if they are not happy, that is something they can change after consciously thinking of it!)

Hehe well done *Smile*




Hope this helped!


But well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  [E]
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Winner of eight Quills!
by Maryann- summer travel


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828
828
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey!

This is a Power Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*NoteR*What I liked:

Is it cheating that I chose my bedroom when I tend to write on my computer which is in my bedroom? *Wink*

I think I like to have solitude when I'm writing and usually this is the only place I can do it. Good question to ask though, well done!



Hope this helped!


But well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

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Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Winner of eight Quills!
by Maryann- summer travel


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829
829
Review of Tender Thorn  
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hey!

This is a Tea Garden Review! *Smile*

Please remember, these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*NoteR*What I liked:

Wow, Lady Phoenix, this was a brilliant short story!

You open the story well, hooking the reader straight away. I instantly got the feeling that the man who is whispering into the women's ear is a little creepy/sinister and you've only just opened, so it's fab you've been able to do that!

I think this paragraph is really well done:

'Consciousness came and went as he forced himself inside her body. Suddenly, she was floating in the wind storm above everything, no longer feeling the violation. She watched with a cold heart and cold eyes. It was as if it was happening to someone else.'

It allows the reader to understand what is going on for Elena which is truly horrendous, but does so in a way that is sensitive and not graphic at all. I think I found myself going to the wind storm with her, just to get out of it, to be with her and make sure she was okay.

I think you take the reader through the plot at a really good pace, giving away small snippets of information, allowwing us to see into it what we will. You develop Elena's character really well, showing the reader what a lovely, compassionate woman she is, yet also at the end, helping us see that she's become stronger when the torment has gone.

Honestly, a really well written piece dealing with a really tough subject. I work at a local Rape Crisis Centre and we hear these myths so often i.e. he wouldn't have to rape her, look at him, he's gorgeous/powerful/loaded etc and it's just not true. I really think you've captured the fact that even those people can have a bad nature and can do something such as rape an innocent woman. Really Phoenix, well done!


*NoteR*A few suggestions I had:


         *BulletG*"Well fought counselor," a smooth voice whispered in her ear. - I'm not sure why I think this but perhaps a comma after the word 'fought' would work well. It would suggest a pause in the speech (but that's just how I hear it in my head!) I think because I am already getting the impression this man is sinister and because he is whispering in her ear this is how I hear it. Hope that makes sense! But ignore it if you wish.

         *BulletB*wrapping her arms around herself to protect herself from the chill. - I think here the repetition of the word 'herself' is just a little much in the same sentence. I think I would change it for something else, but I'm not sure what.

         *BulletR*reentered - I'm never really sure with words like this, whether it should be hyphenated. Ignore me if it's wrong!

         *BulletV*She bone tired from the ordeal - I think this should be 'was bone tired'

         *Bullet*"Congrats on the trail, - I think this should be 'trial'




Hope this helped!



But well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the Tea Garden:

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830
830
Review of The Darkness  
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hey!

This is a Power Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*NoteR*What I liked:

This popped up on my 'Read a Newbie' Bar on the left and I have to say it really caught my attention just with the title and description, so that's great *Smile* It'll hopefully get you a lot of recognition!

This was a really good, abstract piece. I say abstract because I feel like there was no distinct plot, no character development, yet I still think it worked really well as a short piece. It gave the sense of impending doom, of being engulfed by the darkness. And I felt that the darkness written about here could be a myriad of things, each reader taking what they will from it. It really put me in the frame of mind for horror, of black and dark horror.

Well done!!



Hope this helped!


But well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  [E]
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Winner of eight Quills!
by Maryann- summer travel


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831
831
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hey!

This is a Power Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*NoteR*What I liked:

You've wrote an intriguing story about a Brotherhood whose purpose is to slay werewolves who harm innocent humans. Kalum has clearly been in this Brotherhood for a long time and he is hunting one of the creatures; yet this time he is fatally bitten and knows that he will turn into one of those creatures at the full moon.

Then we see something quite unexpected, a love interest. I really didn't see this coming in this piece so well done for the element of surprise there! They seem to have a really affectionate relationship and I really want them to be able to be together, so the ending when she has to leave is really quite sad.

You've written this well, taking the reader along Kalum's journey as he hunts the werewolf but is unfortunately turned. We see him go through a range of emotions from anger to despair and finally, savagery when he turns. Well done on being able to convey that all!


*NoteR*A few suggestions I had:


         *BulletG*Kalum know he was close. - in the first paragraph, this should be 'knew'

         *BulletB*I would suggest to make sure you leave spaces between paragraphs, just because it makes it easier for the reader *Smile*

         *BulletR*I would maybe suggest using a line break after the first paragraph when Kalum is bitter. It would serve to make the reader pause but also to make it clear that the story is changing in some way i.e. setting, time etc.


Hope this helped!


But well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  [E]
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Winner of eight Quills!
by Maryann- summer travel


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832
832
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hey!

This is a Power Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*NoteR*What I liked:

Well done on a really dark, emotional piece of poetry. You've managed to portray both the pain and desperation throughout using your words. The poems flows really well and the rhymes feels quite natural which is really good *Smile*

I really liked the lines:

'Did you ever see me as real, see me true?
Was I always a toy, a game to you?'

I think it just shows how cruel love can be and also really shows the reader how much pain you are in.

I also really liked the first lines (the ones that are repeated at the end) I think they work really well and grab the attention of the reader.


*NoteR*A few suggestions I had:


         *BulletG*Until finally it was all that remain - I was just wondering if this should be 'remained'? I can understand you put remain to rhyme with pain, however, I think it sounds a little better if you write remained and it still works as a rhyme.

         *BulletB*I think maybe this piece would benefit from some punctuation, at the ends of the lines etc.




Hope this helped!


But well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

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Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Winner of eight Quills!
by Maryann- summer travel


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833
833
Review of Asylum  
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hey!

This is a Power Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*NoteR*What I liked:

Well done on a delightfully creepy little story! You open it well, telling the reader of a man who has depression, who struggles with the thought of ending his life. He takes himself to an asylum with the hopes of getting better (though when he was at first knocking on the door I didn't realise it was an asylum, I assumed it was the home of an ex lover or something.)

We see his recovery over time, his confusion and then his return to normal life. The suspense comes in when we find out he is being stalked and you do this well using both description and short sentences to keep the reader's eyes moving fast.

I think you ended it really well too, it left the reader with a question. If it wasn't the man who picked up the sock... then who? Of course we know now it must have been the woman who was stalking him but it still sent a shiver down my spine. The idea of stalking is one that has always creeped me out and I feel like you've captured it really well here. Well done!



Hope this helped!


But well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  [E]
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Winner of eight Quills!
by Maryann- summer travel


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834
834
Review of Macabesity  
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hey!

This is a Power Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*NoteR*What I liked:

This is a really gory, grotesque story. You open it well, telling of a loving couple who have remained together in a happy marriage after meeting in high school. It sets the scene for a lovely setting, a romance perhaps, then all of sudden....Bam! There's the boy. I really didn't see this coming (which is a good thing).

It suddenly turned dark as the reader sees and realises what the boy is doing and as he pounces on Clare. I thought the story would have a truly horrific ending but I have to say, I'm really glad Clare was okay and neither of the couple were found guilty of murder.

You use description well to set the scene and introduct the characters, developing them throughout. Well done!




Hope this helped!


But well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  [E]
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Winner of eight Quills!
by Maryann- summer travel


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835
835
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hey!

This is a Power Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*NoteR*What I liked:

I have to say that I think this is the start of something really good. It really caught me. The title and description drew me in, offering me a brief insight into what was to come and I wanted more.

This piece seemed like a prologue to me, an introduction to something bigger you've planned. This person is controlled by the society he/she lives in and when speaking out, is punished. But you've written it in such a way that invites me to continue reading and I want to do just that! Have you written any more/plan to write anymore?


*NoteR*A suggestion I had:


         *BulletG*but sometime between childhood and becoming a young adult - I think that the word 'sometime' needs to be separated to 'some time'. I think the word 'sometimes' is used to suggest frequency.



Hope this helped!


But well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  [E]
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Winner of eight Quills!
by Maryann- summer travel


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836
836
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hey!

This is a Power Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*NoteR*What I liked:

Well done for such an informative read! *Smile* I really wanted to read this because I've had some trouble with wearing those ballet pumps before. I have to agree with you that yes they make me feel more feminine (not particularly that I'm dreaming of being a ballerina, especially after watching black swan!) but upon wearing them for an entire weekend once I was crippled. They don't offer any support to the arch of your foot and so ultimately are hurting your feet; I developed a condition called plantar facitis which is when the arch of the foot isn't supported and it provides a lot of pain to walk on. The consequence of that was having to wear trainers for a long time and becoming defeminised.

Anyway, that's just a thought I'd share with you. But I think you've put forward a well reasonsed argument for the different types of shoe here and I think I would have to agree with you *Smile*

Well done!



Hope this helped!


But well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

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Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Winner of eight Quills!
by Maryann- summer travel


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837
837
Review of The Forest of Ash  
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey!

This is a Power Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*NoteR*What I liked:

Well done on a really creepy and grotesque story. I think you open it well, telling of the family's past holidays and the good times they had, then contrasting it with the disappearance of Adriana. You develop Jack's character well, showing the reader his motivations, indeed his motivations for having to forget his sister to move on with his life and then his need to go back to remember her and find her. I think you did this well.

The dialogue you use within your story seems realistic and natural, particularly the conversation between Jack and Adriana when he finally reconnets with her. Then after that, the suspense builds rapidly and you manage to do that well, through your use of description. I was reading faster and faster towards the end.

I too had the same question as Jack; how did the police not search the shed when they looked for Adriana?

I think as well, when they reconnected I got the image of Adriana just as she was at ten years old, but I think if she truly was still alive perhaps she would look different, have on different clothes? Even be a little unrecognisable. Just a thought.



*NoteR*A few suggestions I had:


         *BulletG*Jack used to come here with his parents and his sister - you've written this piece in past tense but this brings it into the present. I think I would write:

Jack used to go there with his parents and his sister

         *BulletB*the more caught himself speaking to her in his head. - here you're missing the word 'he' after the word 'caught'

         *BulletR*and for her to come giggling in. - I think here I would switch the order of the last two words. I can't explain why but I think it feels better ending with the word 'giggling'



Hope this helped!


But well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

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by Maryann- summer travel


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838
838
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hey!

This is a Power Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*NoteR*What I liked:

Well done on such a cool idea for an in and out! Asking for just three words is limiting but I think in that way it's inspirational and just something really fun *Smile*



Hope this helped!


But well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  [E]
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Winner of eight Quills!
by Maryann- summer travel


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839
839
Review of Do you know  
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hey!

This is a Power Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*NoteR*What I liked:

If I had come across this poll a couple of years ago my answer would have been completely different and I would have said, I do not know who I am. But in the past few years I've taken time to be selfish and do what I want to do, I've met people who are fantastic and who are inspirational and really helped me along my journey and I feel like I can safely say, I know who I am and I am confident to be that person.

*NoteR*A suggestion I had:


         *BulletG*I think I would have liked to know more about why you asked this question. I think it's a very valid question and it's one that I've asked myself over the years, but what makes you ask? And I think I would have liked to know, do you know yourself?


Hope this helped!


But well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  [E]
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Winner of eight Quills!
by Maryann- summer travel


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840
840
Review of Earth: Lost  
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hey!

This is a Power Review! I came to return the lovely, positive review you did for me! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*NoteR*What I liked:

Well done on a really unique story. I really enjoyed reading this from the beginning; it's really accessible and the format of the journal worked really well. You were able to freely tell the story from the point of view of the Captain, logging only the important bits of information.

You develop the characters well throughout, letting the reader come to know about their personalities and motivations before losing several of them. I have to say I was sad; those people were in a tricky situation and they did the best they could, I can only imagine how it would have felt to lose your sanity like that.

The ending was really good too, it's a good moral tale and one that we should know about and take note of in society today. So well done for being able to bring that in!


*NoteR*A few suggestions I had:


         *BulletG*It has been completely deserted also. - I would say you don't need the word 'also' at the end of this piece.

         *BulletB*He said there was nothing to live for anymore, that we have lost everything. - I would say here, change the word 'have' for 'had' to keep it within the past tense.



Hope this helped!


But well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  [E]
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Winner of eight Quills!
by Maryann- summer travel


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841
841
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hey!

This is a Power Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*NoteR*What I liked:

This was a really well written and emotional poem. I don't often read poetry but I'm glad I read this. It tells of a woman who lost her husband to death; he is unable to change that yet a miracle occurs and her husband is brought back by an angel.

I really feel like the emotions of the tortured woman comes through clearly, a powerful line through the piece. The poem works well and the free style allows the reader to see the true emotions of the woman.



Hope this helped!


But well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  [E]
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Winner of eight Quills!
by Maryann- summer travel


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842
842
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hey!

This is a Power Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*NoteR*What I liked:

I don't often read non-fiction because it reminds me of school (hehe) but I really am glad that I decided to open this piece and read it. I found it to be really helpful and informative, a lot of information for the aspiring novel series writer. Yet it did not overload me, there seemed to be just enough.

I noticed a few things I've heard of before, such as having an overarching plot with smaller conflicts and subplots within each book. I did film studies at Uni and we studied TV series and it was a similar concept, something for viewers to be hooked on with each episode but an overarching plot line. I love watching TV series'!

I also think it's great that you've added extra links at the bottom of this piece, I think it makes it accessible and helpful for the reader and I'll definately be taking a look!



Hope this helped!


But well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  [E]
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Winner of eight Quills!
by Maryann- summer travel


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843
843
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hey!

This is a Power Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*NoteR*What I liked:

This was a really creepy little story! It tells of a seemingly normal old lady, one who invokes a sense of affection in strangers. Yet she is not what she seems and those people who offer their help will find themselves facing a fate of death, simply for offering assistance.

You've written this piece in quite a passive voice which although works, made it a little inaccessible to me. I found it a little difficult to read, but that's okay because it was short. The plot moved at a good pace and lured the reader into a false sense of security before pouncing and revealing the true nature of the old lady!

I too have seen little old people whom I want to help out or offer assistance to... I'll make sure to refrain next time!


*NoteR*A few suggestions I had:


         *BulletG*Being a good nature soul that they are - this should be 'natured'

         *BulletB*and breathe like the deceased - this should be 'breath'



Hope this helped!


But well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  [E]
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Winner of eight Quills!
by Maryann- summer travel


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844
844
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hey!

This is a Power Review! I came to return the lovely review you sent my way yesterday! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*NoteR*What I liked:

This is a really powerful and emotional piece. I really love that you've written it from the point of view of a child, it really comes across well. I feel like you have her voice and thoughts down so well and it seems authentic. You take the reader through the story, the plot moving at a good pace. You give away small snippets of information at a time to help us understand what is going on.

I think in particular the emotion of confusion came across really well in this. This little girl has no idea what is going on or why, or even that she is different. And that's such a sad though I really just wanted to hug her! You've created a really good character in the protagonist.


*NoteR*A few suggestions I had:


         *BulletG*I only draw it because I didn’t have any other friends. - this should be 'drew' because it happened in the past.

         *BulletB*In the title I would probably take the full stop out of it *Smile*



Hope this helped!


But well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  [E]
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Winner of eight Quills!
by Maryann- summer travel


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845
845
Review of She just fell.  
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hey!

This is a Power Review! I noticed that you're joining us at the Power Reviews and wanted to stop by to say hello! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*NoteR*What I liked:

Well done on an emotional piece! Your story tells of the relationship between a girl and her step mother. On the surface it's seemingly a nice relationship and the two girls get on well but once David disappears, Sarah changes and becomes the evil step mother of fairy tales.

It's a change that seemed to happen all of a sudden and for a reason that Sarah gave that Stacy didn't understand. I think I would have liked to hear a bit more of the argument between them, to maybe get a hint about where the accusation came from and why Sarah thought Stacy had said that.


*NoteR*A few suggestions I had:


         *BulletG*I and Sarah got on great - this should be the other way around:

Sarah and I got on great.

Or if you wanted to be a bit more informal you could write:

Sarah and me...

         *BulletB*Oh no what have I done? I questioned myself. - this bit in Sarah's perspective is in her thoughts. Perhaps to make it a little clearer to the reader you could put it into italics?

         *BulletR*I kneeled down next to her unconscious body. - to keep this in the past tense you could change 'kneeled' to 'knelt'

         *BulletV*I think I would have liked to see a bit more to the story because I think this would work as a longer piece. Perhaps if you help the reader understand some of the emotions involved and the relationship between Sarah and Stacy.


Overall I think this is a well written piece with a solid plot idea *Smile* Try to be careful because there are a few times where you've slipped tenses (it's easy to do I know!) but just something to think about when you're writing.


Hope this helped!


But well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  [E]
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by Maryann- summer travel


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846
846
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hey!

This is a Power Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*NoteR*What I liked:

This seems like the start of something good, is it something you plan to continue with?

The story moves at a good pace, introducing information as needed. You have begun developing the characters, allowing the reader to see snippets of their personalities and how they all work together. They all seem like really tough characters, which I suppose is needed for the sort of job that they do.

The story left me wanting more. I wanted to find out about their mission, how it went and whether they managed to foil the evil genius once more.


*NoteR*A few suggestions I had:


         *BulletG*you won't speak, eat, breath, shit - this should be 'breathe'

         *BulletB*"They're all your's Haru." - this doesn't need a comma in 'yours'



Hope this helped!


But well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  [E]
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Winner of eight Quills!
by Maryann- summer travel


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847
847
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hey!

This is a Power Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*NoteR*What I liked:

This short piece was really good *Smile* It was clear and concise and got right down to the nitty gritty of the story which worked really well!

You opened it with the narrative of the protagonist, talking like a private eye from a movie like His Girl Friday. You really seemed to have the speech and the theme down really well! You develop his character as much as it needs to be for the short story.

The theme of zombie clowns... unique and scary! Both of them scare me, and putting the two together was ingenious *Smile* Good write!


*NoteR*A suggestion I had:


         *BulletG*I spun on my heals - this should be 'heels'



Hope this helped!


But well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  [E]
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Winner of eight Quills!
by Maryann- summer travel


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848
848
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hey!

This is a Power Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*NoteR*What I liked:

I really love anything zombie so really wanted to come and check this out, so here I am!

So far so good *Smile* You seem to have made a good start to the story, capturing the panic and confusion both on the mass public as well as the main characters. You have begun to develop the main characters well, allowing the reader to begin to understand the sort of people that they are, their motivations and personalities. This is great because it makes the reader want to read on.

The story moves at a good pace, allowing snippets of information out where necessary to keep the reader drawn in.


*NoteR*A few suggestions I had:


         *BulletG*My name is Dawn Thompson.. - just a small typo here, two full stops instead of one.

         *BulletB*Yesterday I was walking my usual shift - I think there's something missing here. I think you either need to add 'to' after 'walking' or change it to 'working'

         *BulletR*The women reporter - this should be 'woman'

         *BulletV*everyone should go immediately to there homes - this should be 'their' as it indicates possession. It is her house.

         *Bullet*I told him about the reports on the news and he hasn’t really said much more since. - the story is written in the past tense but this sentence brings it into the present. I would suggest changing it, perhaps to:

I told him about the reports on the news. He didn’t really say much more.

         *BulletG*'We decided to head towards my house, his house was obviously not safe anymore and the only thing we could think to do was listen to what the broadcast was saying. Witch was to stay home and secure all entrances.'

I think I would change this to:

'We decided to head towards my house. His house was obviously not safe anymore and the only thing we could think to do was listen to what the broadcast was saying, which was to stay home and secure all entrances.'



Hope this helped!


But well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  [E]
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Winner of eight Quills!
by Maryann- summer travel


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849
849
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hey!

This is a Power Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*NoteR*What I liked:

I love anything that is zombie so I wanted to read this when I saw it. While I've played and watched various Resident Evils I'm not sure if I've seen this one.

So far so good, I assume you haven't finished. Are you going to continue with this piece? I think you've got the stream of consciousness down really well, we see every thought of the characters who are narrating throughout. I think that this can often be hard to do so well done for that.


*NoteR*A few suggestions I had:


         *BulletG*I think while you've got the basic plot idea down and you're moving forward with that, it took me a while to realise that you were switching between characters to tell the story. I think that it might be because you're telling it as the person is thinking it so the reader is unable to tell when the character is changed.

I would suggest either changing the point of view and writing it in first or third person (rather than as a thought stream) or making sure you're clear that each character is separate. I guess one way to do this would be to make it clear to the reader that each character has a really different and distinct personality.


Hope this helped!


But well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  [E]
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Winner of eight Quills!
by Maryann- summer travel


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850
850
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Hey!

This is a Power Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*NoteR*What I liked:

I wanted to read this because it seems like you, I too have a fascination with the undead!

This article is informative, offering a lot of information to a reader who has no notion of the undead. If I'm honest, I didn't know a lot about this either so it was good to find out. I wasn't aware of where the zombie orignated or the belief behind it.

But of course you're right, though it may be a myth there is nothing to say the dead will not walk the earth one day...


*NoteR*A suggestion I had:


         *BulletG*I think although you've written well here, the sequence isn't in a very logical order. Perhaps it needs to be reordered so the reader can understand the process from beginning to end (just you are talking about the Coup Padre and then the dead body, I would have thought it'd be the other way around.)



Hope this helped!


But well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  [E]
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Winner of eight Quills!
by Maryann- summer travel


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