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Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile.php/reviews/joanne4eva/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/31
Review Requests: OFF
3,537 Public Reviews Given
4,150 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I tend to review using a format that I can comment on plot, characters, setting, atmosphere and dialogue. I also try to point out typos/errors and that sort of thing. This style may change depending on the item!
I'm good at...
I'm better with fiction than anything else. I might be able to have a go at poetry but please don't expect too much!
Favorite Genres
Horror, dark, suspense, thriller, mystery. However, I'm open minded and will read most genres.
Favorite Item Types
Statics - fiction.
Public Reviews
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Review of The Box  Open in new Window.
Review by blue jellybaby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Power Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hey!

This is a Power Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: The title and description of this piece really drew me in. You left me wondering what was in the box, what were the three translations, would it affect their lives?! I couldn't not read!

*Ghost*Atmosphere/tone: There is a really strong tension throughout this piece. We follow the dying man's last moves and learn of the box he holds, of the secret is possess. Then we learn it is placed in a museum... but will that be the end of it?


*Cut**Paste*I have no suggestions to make!


*NoteR*A few parting comments...

This was a well written piece, it draws the reader into an intricate world involving an evil legacy, one which can have traumatic affects. I assume that you're not finished writing this piece? I would like to see more of it and find out exactly what the box does and has done.

I liked the way you started and ended this piece with the scent of lavendar, it worked well!

Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

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752
752
Review of Pallor  Open in new Window.
Review by blue jellybaby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Power Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hey!

This is a Power Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: Well it's been a few days or so but here I am again, hoping to get a bit more of this wonderful piece you're writing. I can't wait to find out what happens next!

*People*Characters: We meet Peter in here, a new character. It took me a while to understand that he was the older brother of the three smaller children. I guess I thought since the chapter was about Peter it would start with him, but it in fact started with Lindy and Roger who were hiding. Peter seems like a really determined character.

*Home*Setting: The setting of this piece was a place they were hiding, away from the dogs which seems to pose a brand new threat to any survivors because they are so vicious and adept at hunting. The thought terrified me!

*Ghost*Atmosphere/tone: There was a huge amount of tension in this piece which kept me reading and reading! I felt terrified of the dogs that were chasing the children.


*Cut**Paste*A few suggestions I had:

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear *Smile*

         *BulletG*“They can smell us!” lindy frantically whispered,

Here Lindy needs a capital letter and the end needs a full stop.

“They can smell us!” Lindy frantically whispered.

         *BulletB*“They can’t get in” Roger said,

Here you need a comma after the speech

“They can’t get in,” Roger said,

         *BulletR*“Oh shit” Roger said,

This just needs a comma after the speech.

“Oh shit,” Roger said,

         *BulletV*three little bodies sprung into motion/

Just a small typo here, a backslash in stead of a full stop!

three little bodies sprung into motion.



*NoteR*A few parting comments...

Another good chapter in your novel series, I can't wait to see the next ones. It's drawign the story on and letting the reader in on more! Well done *Smile*

Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

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753
753
Review by blue jellybaby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Power Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hey!

This is a Power Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: I love Alice in Wonderland so this really intrigued me and I really wanted to read it! Maybe in the description you should put a little more about what the story is to hook more readers.

*People*Characters: Alice, and the rabiit Humprey, are the main characters in this piece. We see the rabbit being just as rude and grumpy as I remember him to be but Alice seems different, possibly today's teenager

*Home*Setting: The setting was the rabbit hole that Alice fell down, however, we didn't get much look at what was there, or what she could see. We mainly followed the story (which works fine but I think I would have had a little more detail about the setting)


*Cut**Paste*A few suggestions I had:

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear *Smile*

         *BulletG*Somehow I don’t think he appreciate the question.

I think you need the word 'would' in here

Somehow I don’t think he would appreciate the question.

         *BulletB*“Oh don’t get you panties in a twist,

This should be 'your'

“Oh don’t get your panties in a twist,

         *BulletR*you could find yourself I the most

This should be 'in'

you could find yourself in the most


*NoteR*A few parting comments...

This was a good piece, reminiscent to Alice in Wonderland of Lewis Carroll. I think for me, there were similarities in too many places. Although it's quite clear this is different, especially in that Alice is a really different character, we see her falling through the rabbit hole after following a rabbit who has a very important date... it's not until a bit later in the story that we get to grips with the new character.

I think as well I have to say, I was a little disappointed that I didn't get to see what was behind the door! It felt a little anticlimatic because it's what your story lead to.

Juts a thought *Smile*

Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

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754
Review by blue jellybaby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Power Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hey!

This is a Power Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: I was interested in reading this piece because I often struggle with ideas for writing even when I have the urge to write, so wanted to come and see what advice you could give me!


*Checkg*What I liked:

This is a clearly set out and well written piece *Smile* I like the way it's set out because it makes it clear and easy to read with the titles and bits in bold and then the points in bullet points underneath that; I found it really easy to follow.

I think you've offered some really great advice here. I think particularly the bit about keeping a notebook and writing down any idea you have; I have found that I've had ideas late at night and not bothered to write it down because I haven't had a notebook at hand, and of course the idea has been gone by sun up.

I think I really benefitted from the ideas about names because I tend to struggle with that; sometimes a name will just hit me and I have to have it but other time I really have to work at it and search.


*Cut**Paste*I didn't have any suggestions to make!


*NoteR*A few parting comments...

This is a really well written piece! It's clear and concise and offers a lot of advice for writers who may be in a bit of a slump *Smile*

Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

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755
755
Review by blue jellybaby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Power Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey!

This is a Power Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: I always like to hear somebody's thoughts and opinions and so this piece really interested me! It was going to tell me what you were thinking right now which made it seem to have some sort of urgency. So I came to read!


*Cut**Paste*A suggestion I had:


         *BulletG*I think taking the time to write everyday is always good practice (if you stick to it *Wink* However, I would maybe suggest if you're going to keep this up, it will take up a lot of port space if you always made separate documents. Maybe you could create a book or a blog in which to store all of your random thoughts like this? It would also keep it all in one place *Smile*



*NoteR*A few parting comments...

I think you've done well to begin writing without the actual thoughts of anything surfacing in your mind. You've just gone with it so it presents as a stream of consciousness which I find works well. You introduce the reader to your reasoning behind using such a practice and then continue on in the same vein. Maybe it might be a good idea to read back through your entries after a few days to see if it brings any inspiration for writing!

Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

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756
Review of Vampire Love  Open in new Window.
Review by blue jellybaby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Brainstormers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | N/A (Review only item.)
Hey!

This is a Brainstomers Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: I really wanted to come and read this because I love anything with vampires (it seems, just as much as you do!) I was also really interested in reading about the love between another vampire and a human

*People*Characters: There are two characters within this piece; the vampire and the human. We are able to see both points of view throughout, feel the love that they have for each other. It is clearly a mutual feeling and I really love the affection that flows from this piece.

*Ghost*Atmosphere/tone: I like that this poem is about romance, the love between a vampire and human, rather than the horror element which comes so often with vampires stories. I think you've captured their affection for each other really well, allowing the reader a glimpse into their lives and their longing.


*Cut**Paste*I don't have any suggestions to make!


*NoteR*A few parting comments...

This is a really well written piece which shows the love between a vampire and human. I can clearly feel the affection coming from both of them. The poem flows nicely with each free style stanza fitting together to tell the story of the two lovers, well done!


Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the Brainstomers Group:
757
757
Review of Emotionally Ill  Open in new Window.
Review by blue jellybaby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hey!

This is a Tea Garden Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

*Reading*Initial hook: I read a review in which someone reviewed this piece and it really intrigued me, so I came to read!


*Checkg*What I liked:

This is a really emotionally charged poem. In it, I feel like you've managed to convey the raw power of emotion that has consumed you. You tell the reader that you're 'sick-ing' for love and attention. That is something that can drive a person crazy and I believe everyone deserves to have love and attention.

Your poem is well structured, each of the stanzas fit nicely together and they flow as one piece, making it easy to read. The emotions in this piece are raw and come across really strongly.

You use a lot of description to show your distress in the situation and I really wish I could give you a hug *Smile*


*Cut**Paste*I have no suggestions to make!


Hope this helped!



But well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the Tea Garden:

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758
Review of LISTENING POST  Open in new Window.
Review by blue jellybaby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Power Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey!

This is a Power Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: The title and description of this piece really drew me in. I wanted to see the world you had created *Smile*

*People*Characters: The two main characters within this piece are Dana and Odin. I feel like I've really become to know them throughout. Dana seems to be a strong willed person. I also think she hides or pushes away a lot of emotion, after all, it seems she's lost most of her family and friends and that is why she's doing the job she's doing. I don't read a lot of sci-fi and so Odin came across as something really different to me. I like that you've made him a cross between robot and human and think you've done really well to characterise him. He seems predominantly robotic and follows his orders/computer chip the way he would and should. But I also see human elements, the pauses, the fact that he has opinions and listens to Dana even when he thinks she's wrong.

*Home*Setting: The setting of this piece was entirely on the ship. I think you've described it well and I really understand how small it is. It seems barely livable to me but I suppose if Dana can induce a sort of coma she can sleep for most of the time while Odin puts out his feelers. I really like the way you describe it as being a sort of looking open front so it looks like space stretches out forever before them; it helped me visualise it.

*BurstR*Dialogue: The dialogue between the two characters feels really realistic. I think Odin speaks just the way I think he would, being half robotic. It's quite formal speech but it suits him.


*Cut**Paste*A few suggestions I had:

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear *Smile*

         *BulletG*and laugh just like before she left them to attend college on Earth.

I think this has a word missing. I would suggest:

and laugh just like before when she left them to attend college on Earth.



*NoteR*A few parting comments...

I think this is a good piece. It's a well developed story with two really developed characters. I felt like I was able to get to rgips with them as people and see how they worked together. The story was great, most of it taking place within their small ship. I think you've done really well to managed to keep it confined to that.

I think I really like the idea of bio-imbalance but I think I would have liked a bit more of an explanation about it. I think I got it but you didn't really explain it that that might help (especially for people like me who don't often read sci-fi!)

But well done on a good write, you had me hooked throughout (and those green space bugs were EVIL!)

Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

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759
Review of Pallor  Open in new Window.
Review by blue jellybaby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Power Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hey!

This is a Power Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: Hey I'm back! Your piece has got me hooked and can't wait to keep reading (though I notice it hasn't been updated in a while and hope you're still working on it!)

*People*Characters: We get to know Lindy and Mr Clark (or Roger as we can now call him) a lot better in this chapter. We find out that Lindy is a really brave person, she is willing to risk her life to save the small boy and goes down without a plan. I have to commend her for that. On the other hand, Roger is a bit of a coward (or is that unfair to say? It's a scary thing to do!) but he seems resourceful and beginning to show his true colours when he figures out a way out

*Home*Setting: The setting is in two different apartments. We don't get a lot of scenery description but I think that's fine because you're moving the story forward, plus we saw the apartments in the last chapter Lindy and Roger were in.

*Ghost*Atmosphere/tone: Again this chapter is full of suspense, of what is coming next. You've done well to use description and realistic dialogue to make this scene feel real and terrifying. Well done.


*Cut**Paste*A few suggestions I had:

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear *Smile*

         *BulletG*Poor lindy was making her way down that fire escaping

Small typo here, this should be 'escape'

Poor lindy was making her way down that fire escape

         *BulletB*Up stairs

Should be all one word...

Upstairs

         *BulletR*This apartment was bigger then her own.

This is in the part where we're hearing Lindy's story; mostly that's all written in the present tense but this makes it revert back to the past. I would suggest:

This apartment is bigger then her own.

         *BulletV*climb back upstairs towards Mr. Clark;s smiling face.

Small typo here, there's a semi colon instead of an apostrophe

climb back upstairs towards Mr. Clark's smiling face.

         *Bullet*Most of them looked severly injured,

This should be 'severley'

Most of them looked severley injured,

         *BulletG*“I have lived here for a long time Lindy, I think I know how to leave” Roger said at last.

There should be a comma at the end of Roger's speech

“I have lived here for a long time Lindy, I think I know how to leave,” Roger said at last.

         *BulletB*I would also suggest making sure you're consistent with your line spacing and indentations of paragraphs. Anything you like it fine as long as you're consistent.


*NoteR*A few parting comments...

Another good chapter of the Zombie novella (though I noticed you say it's only half done), it follows on nicely from the others, and moves the story forward as it should. We're beginning to see more of the personalities of the characters and I love that. Well done!


Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

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760
760
Review by blue jellybaby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Power Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hey!

This is a Power Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: The title and description of this made me want to read. I think Dahlia is a great name and you've made it intriguing. The description suggets that she has everything she could want but still she'd not happy, it makes me wonder why or what makes her tick.

*People*Characters: Dahlia is the main character within this piece and she strikes me as being quite a ruthless person, despite appearances. She is willing to kill her husband because why, she is bored? That's the impression I get. I really wonder what makes her tick and would definately be interested in finding out.

*Ghost*Atmosphere/tone: The tone throughout was of Dahlia's boredom, her perfect life in which she was not happy. There was also an undercurrent of something not being quite right (which came out when she murdered her husband!)


*Cut**Paste*I have no suggestions to make!


*NoteR*A few parting comments...

This looks like a good start to the short story. You've really captured my interest with this character and I can't wait to see more of her, see what happens and where she goes from now *Smile*

Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

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761
Review of Pallor  Open in new Window.
Review by blue jellybaby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Power Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hey!

This is a Power Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: Well, I guess you know why I'm here! I think the first few chapter that I've read have worked really well and I wanted to find out more. I note that you've written that this is just a first draft/outline so I'll keep that in mind.

*People*Characters: The main characters in this chapter are Holland (Whose story we are seeing) his dad Bruce and his mum Julie. I think you've begun to develop all three characters well, the men in particular. Bruce comes across as rugged man, someone who is prepared for just about anything and can handle any situation. He reacts well in a crisis which shows in the situation they are facing. Holland is a young man who seeks approval of his dad (or that's the impression I get) he wants to be sure he's doing the right thing and living up to what his dad would do. They whole family seem really close and work well together to bring their plan together.

*Home*Setting: The setting here is mostly in Holland's house. We don't see a lot of the house although we learn it has a basement, an attic and a garage, so I assume it's quite a spacy place. You use a lot of good description when they're boarding up the hosue and I could see them doing it.

*Ghost*Atmosphere/tone: The main sort of tone that came through on this chapter was tension. There were some big decisions to be made, whether to stay or go. And eventually they go, but even then we see how much courage it has taken for the family to make that decision. A lot of fear emanates from Julie; she is truly terrified of what awaits them and we see that primarily by her action of blocking off the windows in the car so she can't see what is happening.


*Cut**Paste*A few suggestions I had:

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear *Smile*

         *BulletG*They reach the bathroom and knock on the door.

Earlier you said Julie was hiding in the basement.

         *BulletB*they turn on the radio on low

I would suggest you don't need the word 'on' twice. I would write:

they turn the radio on low

         *BulletR*None look to close,

This should be 'too'

None look too close,

         *BulletV* “They are not dead, they are crazy, there is a big difference” he added.

The speech should have some sort of punctuation at the end. I would suggest a comma since you have a speech tag after.

“They are not dead, they are crazy, there is a big difference,” he added.


         *Bullet*Bruce snaps from his daze as the first zombie reached the back of the car.

These parts that are part of Holland's story are all in present tense. I would suggest changing 'reached' for 'reaches'

Bruce snaps from his daze as the first zombie reaches the back of the car.


*NoteR*A few parting comments...

This is another well written chapter and a few mistakes were noticed but not too many! You've begn to develop the characters well through the use of description and dialogue and we are beginning to see what sort of people they are and how they react in a crisis.

Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

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762
Review of Pallor  Open in new Window.
Review by blue jellybaby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Power Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hey!

This is a Power Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: Again I wanted to read on! You've kept me hooked with your chapters dealing so far with people's different experiences of the zombie apocalypse and I want to see how it all comes together!

*People*Characters: The narrator is the main character in this story and though we're aware that he's a person and has a story to tell too, he's the person who is able to look at everything in an overall manner to help the reader see the bigger picture.

*Ghost*Atmosphere/tone: This chapter told by the narrator of the story, has a passive feel, but I think it works well. The narrator, although a person and sharing tidbits of his story, is the person who is able to sum everything up. He tells everything as if he was a person looking down from above and I think that works really well.



*Cut**Paste*I had no suggestions to make!


*NoteR*A few parting comments...

I think this is a good chapter, it (like the title says) is an intermission from all the blood and gore going on in Lindy and Holland's stories. We know they're still going through it (as it the narrator) but we are able to see the broader picture. And through the narrator we learn that there is hope and a saviour in a place that is different lengths away for everyone. All I can do is hope that they all make it!


Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

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763
763
Review of Pallor  Open in new Window.
Review by blue jellybaby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Power Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hey!

This is a Power Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: Well the first chapter really hooked me in, so here I am again! Ready for the next one. I can't wait to find out about what happens.

*People*Characters: In this chapter, we're introduced to Lindy. She appears to be a woman who has experience a lot of bad times and trauma in her life. We hear her story and I can immediately empathise with her, and though she has her own place I empathise that it's possible the worst little apartment she could have. We get to learn a lot about her personality and I have to say I'm glad she went back for the kid! I was a bit worrried she wouldn't but she's shown her true colours by endagering her life once more to save someone else.

*Home*Setting: Most of this chapter is set within Lindy's apartment. You use a lot of good desrciption to show us what her aparment is like, what it looks like, how it feels for her.

*Ghost*Atmosphere/tone: Again the atmosphere is carried on throughout; I feel the fear and tension emanating both from Lindy and her neighbour Mr Clark. You make me want to read on and find out what happens to both of them, and the child. I can see the desperation they both feel as the scale the building.

*BurstR*Dialogue: I think the dialogue in this chapter is great. It comes mainly from the neighbour Mr Clark but really shows his personality as well as his emotions off. You have him tell Lindy what happened but he does it in such a broken and fragmented way that I could really feel his fear as he pushed through his story. Well done for that!


*Cut**Paste*A few suggestions I had:

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear *Smile*

         *BulletG*While Holland was sleeping before university started in another state Lindy was just getting home at six

I would suggest you need a comma after the word 'state' because it's almost a new sentence (or the second part could stand alone) so you need to make it a little clearer.

While Holland was sleeping before university started in another state, Lindy was just getting home at six

         *BulletB*helped her through her remaining three weeks of pregnancy, then helped her get on her feet, get a job and a shitty apartment in a basement.

I would suggest the second bit could be in a new sentence. It would allow the first bit to be digested a bit more by the reader and tell them what else the shelter helped with.

helped her through her remaining three weeks of pregnancy. Then they helped her get on her feet, get a job and a shitty apartment in a basement.

         *BulletR*the bed room led onto a large room

I think the word 'bedroom' should be all one word

the bedroom led onto a large room

         *BulletV*Shared laundry downstairs including an old, rusty dryer.

I would suggest you change this sentence; it could go two ways:

There was shared laundry downstairs including an old, rusty dryer.

Or:

Shared laundry downstairs included an old, rusty dryer.

         *Bullet* “When I cam back, the medic was standing up again

This should be 'came'

“When I came back, the medic was standing up again

         *BulletG*He smile as he eats, enjoying himself.

This should be 'smiles'

He smiles as he eats, enjoying himself.



*NoteR*A few parting comments...

This is a good second chapter to the piece. You've referred back to everyone having their own stories even though they're all the same (in a way) so you've linked it well even though you've chosen to focus on a different character. You develop her as a character really well and I really empathised with her. I was realyl glad that she was coureagous enough to go back for the child, I don't think I would have liked her if she hadn't!

Just a thought, I would suggest maybe making sure there's a line break between each paragraph to make it easier for the reader and to help the flow just a little bit.

Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

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Review of Pallor  Open in new Window.
Review by blue jellybaby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Power Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hey!

This is a Power Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: I believe this book has been in my favourite items for a while because it's something I really wanted to read (and I apologise that it's taken me a while to get around to reading!) The title and description were what hooked me in and made me want to read. I really love anything zombie so this really attracted me to this piece but it hints that it's about human kind and what it's like to be left after the zombie apocalypse has occured and this intrigues me too.

*People*Characters: The main character in this seems to be the faceless narrator and Holland, whose story we hear. In the beginning of this, the narrator has quite a passive voice. I think talking about the fight and flight reaction was quite a good way to set the reader up for the story. Then we meet Holland and it is his story we are told. I was a little confused at first by the italics until I realised that it was happening to him then and there, that's how he was telling it. We don't know a lot about the characters yet but that's fine because once we move onto the next chapters I assume they will be developed a bit more (also it's important to get the context down in the first bit I think!)

*Home*Setting: You've set this in a small University so far. We see Holland as he treks to the library heading to do some work. Then we see the streets of the city, littered with chaos. The only peace he seems to receive is when he reaches his parents home. You use a lot of visit description to allow the reader to see the scene before them, the destruction Holland is facing.

*Ghost*Atmosphere/tone: The atmosphere throughout is of fear, panic and suspense. I think you've captured this well through your use of description. I also think that using the narrator to tell the story was a good idea, we get an all rounded view from him and see a personal view from Holland. They seem to compliment each other. Your use of description builds up the scene and atmosphere and allows the reader to see and feel what is going on for the characters.

*BurstR*Dialogue: There isn't a lot of dialogue within this (I would say it's mostly from the narrator) but so far so good. It's realistic and really works for me.



*Cut**Paste*A few suggestions I had:

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear *Smile*

         *BulletG*mid step with shopping bang in mid swing

This should be 'bag'

mid step with shopping bag in mid swing

         *BulletB*In that second of eternity you brain makes the decision.

This should be 'your'

In that second of eternity your brain makes the decision.

         *BulletR*backpack strap leading over his right should

This should be 'shoulder'

backpack strap leading over his right shoulder



*NoteR*A few parting comments...

I think this is a good start to the story and I can't wait to see what happens! I think using the narrators voice was a good idea because it really lead me into the story and got me hooked. It seemed to be really passive but it was metaphor for the oncoming zombie attack. I really liked the way you use the arguing couple, the shopper and the man feeding the dog as examples, but then bring them to life as the hoard comes. I think that works really well.

I would maybe suggest giving the reader more indication the point of view is changing from the narrator to Holland. You could maybe do this by using stars to mark a change in something i.e. *** or *Star* or something like that. It's just a thought but might make it flow a little better.

Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

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765
Review of The Resurrection  Open in new Window.
Review by blue jellybaby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Power Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hey!

This is a Power Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: This piece drew me in with the title and description, and the fact that it was written in the horror genre. I found myself wondering what this man's return might mean and where he had been.

*People*Characters: Brother Lavell is the main character within this story but we don't get to find out much about him. He presents as a rather mysterious figure which I guess it just about right for someone who claims to be a prophet.

*Ghost*Atmosphere/tone: The atmosphere was one of tension, something didn't feel quite right even though many people began to believe the word of Brother Lavell.


*Cut**Paste*A few suggestions I had:

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear *Smile*

         *BulletG*He told me that there would signs of destruction

Here the word 'be' is missing

He told me that there would be signs of destruction

         *BulletB*Brother Lavell, along with thousands of believers, reporters, and the curious, was standing at Cape Hatteras

This should be 'were' because it indicates more than one person.

Brother Lavell, along with thousands of believers, reporters, and the curious, were standing at Cape Hatteras

         *BulletR*It through back its head

This should be 'threw'

It threw back its head


*NoteR*A few parting comments...

This is a well thought out short story. We have the main character as a prophet, someone who claims the world will be changed and ruled by him. I found the voice to be a little passive because we never really got to know anything about the character, we only knew him as a prophet. But I love the twist at the end when He arose from the sea and the people began to scatter in utter chaos I had thought the same thing; he never once said who it was that was coming back! Good twist, well done!


Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

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766
Review by blue jellybaby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Power Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hey!

This is a Power Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: The title is intriguing because it's a play on words but it also alludes to the content of your story. The first part is really good too, the way you've written the journal entry made me want to read on and find out what was going on that had him so distressed (because he clearly is) so well done for that!

*People*Characters: The main character in this story so far, is Charles. You've developed him really well as a character, taking the time over the three chapters to let us know what sort of person he is and what makes him tick. He comes across as a really meticulous character, he sticks to his morals and he works hard. He seems to give himself a hard time when it comes to certain things; like he feels stupid about the way he's feeling and doesn't seem to think he can talk to anyone. I think he comes across as a little bit insecure. You capture that throughout though making him a really consistent character.

*Ghost*Atmosphere/tone: The atmosphere is of tension and everyday living. I felt the familiar suspense as he received an email or remembered a dream he had. You used a lot of vivid description to show us how he felt. Other than that his normal daily routine went ahead and this is partly where we learned what sort of man he was.


*Cut**Paste*A few suggestions I had:

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear *Smile*

*Burstv*Chapter 1

         *BulletG*If someone is some kind of joke, whoever's behind it is damn good.

While I know what you're saying here, I think there might be a little bit missing. Maybe it should be something like:

If this is someone's idea of a joke, whoever's behind it is damn good.

*Burstv*Chapter 3

         *BulletB*He couldn't help wondering if he was just creating all of this in my mind.

Here you've switched to first person by mistake!

He couldn't help wondering if he was just creating all of this in his mind.


*NoteR*A few parting comments...

This is a really well written piece! I noticed no grammatical errors which is fab (especially in a piece so long!) You have obviously really thought this piece out. You've developed Charles's character throughout, showing the reader what he's like through your use of description. You show us what his days are like, what he feels like he's worth, how silly he feels for being scared. He's a really likeable character and I would really love to know what happens to him. The plot moves at a good pace, introducing the story and the character slowly but I think that's important for setting the scene and tone.

Please let me know when you post the next bit!!

Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

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767
Review of Freezing Cold  Open in new Window.
Review by blue jellybaby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hey!

This is a Tea Garden Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

*Reading*Initial hook: The title and description made me want to read on and find out what was going to happen that was freezing cold! I also wondered how the dialogue would go.

*People*Characters: There are four main characters within this but they aren't developed as such because it's just a short story. That's fine! But we do get the gist that all the men are freezing and slightly annoyed at Sam!

*Home*Setting: This was set in a lake, these men stood in a lake for charity in the freezing cold. We didn't get a lot of description of the lake but the story centred more on dialogue and characters so it worked fine.

*BurstR*Dialogue: The dialogue used throughout was realistic, especially since all the men were in the freezing cold. I think the way you showed they were stuttering, their teeth chattering, through dialogue, was great!



Hope this helped!



But well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the Tea Garden:

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768
768
Review of Abandoned to Fear  Open in new Window.
Review by blue jellybaby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Power Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hey!

This is a Power Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: The title of this piece is intriguing. Ususally people are physically abadoned so it was a nice play on words and ideas to see that this protagonist was going to be abandoned to his emotions.

*People*Characters: We see several fleeting characters within this but mostly the main character is Jeff. You've developed him well as a character, showing what he is like in a crisis, how he deals with things. Before the nightmare he copes by drinking his problems away, after that he knuckles down for some hard work, scouring the city, determined to find another person.

*Home*Setting: You have set this in a quite lonely and desolate world, at least the one that Jeff finds himself when he wakes up. You've caught the scene well.

*Ghost*Atmosphere/tone: The atmosphere of the piece is quite dark, we feel Jeff's pain and distress throughout when he is confused as to what is going on. He is unable to piece the puzzle together yet throws himself into the world in order to try anyway. The tone is full of suspense throughout, maknig the reader continue with the story, wanting more.



*Cut**Paste*A few suggestions I had:

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear *Smile*

         *BulletG*He had to get his mind off of work somehow.

I would suggest that you don't need the word 'of' here'

         *BulletB* Maybe a couple hours on the road,

I would suggest that you need to put in the word 'of' here between 'couple' and 'hours'

         *BulletR*But that was all that was needed

I think this bit is a little wordy and would work just as well as:

But that's all that was needed

         *BulletV*Jeff realized as he pulled onto the main road that this would be the quickest drive to work he had ever had.

I would suggest here changing the order of the sentence or putting in commas. I think I would write:

As he pulled onto the main road Jeff realised that this would be the quickest drive to work he had ever had.


*NoteR*A few parting comments...

This is a well written story, you develop both the character and plot well. It is an intriguing plot, I have to admit I wasn't sure what was going to happen and you kept me going!

Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

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769
Review of The Sound  Open in new Window.
Review by blue jellybaby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Power Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hey!

This is a Power Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: The title and description have intrigued me ever since I saw it! It's been in my favourites list for a while so I've been able to keep tabs because I wanted to read it. So well done for that!

*People*Characters: The main character is a really believable, realistic person. I felt myself feeling really sorry for him. I even had it down as a conspiracy theory from the apartments to scam people out of money. I think you made him a really good character, he was determined and worked hard, and fell to misfortune that wasn't his.

*Home*Setting: It was mostly set in his new apartment where we initially hear the noise. I think you brought it to life with the sound but also his personal belongings which really made him feel at home.



*Checkg*What I liked:

This was a really good short story that focused on the implications of the sound that drove him crazy! I think you wrote this really well, focusing on a lot of description in order to show the reader what was going on. You made it realistic through your description and your well developed characters. And I have to say, the ending was a bit of a twist, I really thought it was a scam from the apartments, but when he realised that the sound had followed him... I realised it was in his head! WEll done!


*Cut**Paste*A few suggestions I had:

         *BulletG*Your mother’s not going to be happy about this,” my dad said as we concluded the conversation.

The opening speech marks are missing from this speech.


*NoteR*A few parting comments...

This was a really good short story that focused on the implications of the sound that drove him crazy! I think you wrote this really well, focusing on a lot of description in order to show the reader what was going on. You made it realistic through your description and your well developed characters. And I have to say, the ending was a bit of a twist, I really thought it was a scam from the apartments, but when he realised that the sound had followed him... I realised it was in his head! WEll done!


Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

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770
770
Review by blue jellybaby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Power Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hey!

This is a Power Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Checkg*What I liked:

This is a really well created forum *Smile* I think you've given it a lot of support, as well as those people on the site who have mental health problems who like to give and receive support, as well as carers. I think you've done a really lovely thing in creating this group to ensure that people aren't alone and the hand of friendship is given.

well done!


Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

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771
Review of Pro-Gay Rights  Open in new Window.
Review by blue jellybaby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Power Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hey!

This is a Power Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: The title really drew me in. It's a subject I'm really interested in and so wanted to read your opinion on the subject. I would suggest maybe adding something to the description so the reader knows what it is they're going to read; a discussion about the rights of gay people.

*Checkg*What I liked:

I think you've made a good argument in this article. I don't live in the USA but the UK and even over here there is still a lot of discrimination against gay people. Though in the past few years we have developed such things as Pride which is a celebration of the gay, lesbian, bi and transexual community. I have to agree with you here that it shouldn't matter who a person falls in love with, if it's right for them then that's what matters.

I wasn't aware of the alarming rates of suicide associated with such bullying incidents though so thank you for making me aware of that.


*Cut**Paste*A few suggestions I had:

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear *Smile*

         *BulletG*argued that if they leaved the constitution unchanged

this should be 'left'

argued that if they left the constitution unchanged

         *BulletB*Unless the Constitution and the Bill of Rights weren't signed

this should be 'wasn't'

Unless the Constitution and the Bill of Rights wasn't signed


Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

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772
Review of Midnight Angel  Open in new Window.
Review by blue jellybaby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Power Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey!

This is a Power Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: The title and description are great; for me they spoke of something a bit dark, something evil that comes. That really intrigued me and made me want to read on!

*People*Characters: The main protagonist of this poem comes across as a reallly strong character. He (or she) comes across of being scared of the Midnight Angel that comes, however, not scared enough to run. He is determined to stay put and will not go no matter how much that distresses him. I think that makes him a strong willed character and that comes across well.

*Ghost*Atmosphere/tone: You set the tone well throughout; it feels really dark and creepy. We know that there is a Midnight Angel so ironically named that comes and wants to take him away. You create this dark menace who is forthcoming but vague; we know a bit about what it looks like but not much else and I feel like the creature takes the setting of the piece as well because that is what we see most of. But I think that really works for this piece.


*Checkg*What I liked:

I really liked the near repetition of the first stanza to the last- I think it works really well and just brings it home, reminds the reader that the creature is still out there and waiting to get in. The poem flows nicely and I think doing it in free style has allowed the creativity to flow on this one.


*Cut**Paste*A suggestion I had:


         *BulletG*I think the only thought I had was around punctuation; perhaps it would help in some of hte stanzas, particularly those with longer lines, just to allow breating time.



Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

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773
Review by blue jellybaby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Power Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hey!

This is a Power Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*NoteR*What I liked:

Well done on a really gory zombie story! You opened it well and it seemed quite different to me than others. I think often when reading a zombie story you find yourself hurtled into the middle of the action but here in the prologue, you give a brief encounter of what happened and how it happened. You showed it from the small problem it was, growing into the huge problem Al and Ed found themselves in.

I really liked the line:

That is until you saw someone you recognized, the empty shell of an old friend, a neighbor, or worse: a relative.

I think it captures both the physical zombie physique but also the emotional one, the fact that those people are friends.

I think you wrote the first chapter well too. You have gone to a lot of trouble to use a great amount of detail in the scene in which we see them barricaded in the house and the zombies breaking in slowly but surely and the people within the house turn into one of the undead. You use a lot of gore within this scene which I think works well; after all, you can't have zombies killing people without sheer brutality and blood!

The ending worked well and I'm glad they were saved, although it was a little cliche that Ed's best friend turned up just in the nick of time. But I think it still works and it lets the heros flee so they can fight another day, hopefully!


*NoteR*A few suggestions I had:


         *BulletG*became increasingly more steady - I don't think you need the word 'more' here because the word increasingly already suggests it is getting steadier


I would also maybe suggest using line spacing between your paragraphs to make it a little easier for your readers.


Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

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774
Review by blue jellybaby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Power Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hey!

This is a Power Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*NoteR*What I liked:

Well done on being able to offer this insight into your life and what it's like for you to have bipolar. I think you've touched on some really good and powerful subject in this. One of which is about medication; they are fine from person to person but each person needs something different and it affects people in different ways. And you're very right in what you say that the side effects can affect things such as your weight and your confidence, and why would you have to live like that. So you made a valid point about bringing that up with the doctor.

The second point I picked up on was about taking care of yourself; trying to realise when you see a symptom that could mean a mood change. And though you might not necessarily be able to control it, at least it's a warning.

You seem to cope really well with having bipolar; you talk about it as just being part of life and I think that's a great way to look at it. It can't be helped and it's there so you deal with it in the best way you can and I commend you for that.

You've written this piece well, it flows nicely and points out some powerful facts to the reader which I think is important. Thank you for sharing this with us.



*NoteR*A few suggestions I had:

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear *Smile*

         *BulletG*Lithium requires that patient's blood levels be monitered - think this should be 'monitored'

         *BulletB*One episode weight was falling off me like water in the rain.

I like this sentence but I think it needs to either start a little differently or have a comma after the word episode i.e.:

One episode I had, weight was falling off me like water in the rain.

         *BulletR*take a week too 14 days before - this should be 'to'

         *BulletV*I went to the kitchen and started eating eating healthy food - here you just need to delete the repeated word


Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

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775
Review of Ice cream night  Open in new Window.
Review by blue jellybaby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Power Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hey!

This is a Power Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*NoteR*What I liked:

Aw this sounds like a really lovely night! Are you from the USA? We don't have nice things like drive thru ice cream places hehe. I think you've really captured the reality of family life, the fighting and bickering as well as the love and laughter *Smile*

Well done!

*NoteR*A few suggestions I had:

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear *Smile*

         *BulletG*but at time I wonder why I did not drowned them

Just a couple of little things here:

but at times I wonder why I did not drown them

         *BulletB*After everyone piled out of the car the hobby announced - this should be 'hubby'


Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

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