*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile.php/reviews/joanne4eva/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/30
Review Requests: OFF
3,537 Public Reviews Given
4,150 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I tend to review using a format that I can comment on plot, characters, setting, atmosphere and dialogue. I also try to point out typos/errors and that sort of thing. This style may change depending on the item!
I'm good at...
I'm better with fiction than anything else. I might be able to have a go at poetry but please don't expect too much!
Favorite Genres
Horror, dark, suspense, thriller, mystery. However, I'm open minded and will read most genres.
Favorite Item Types
Statics - fiction.
Public Reviews
Previous ... 26 27 28 29 -30- 31 32 33 34 35 ... Next
726
726
Review of Candy Store Ghost  
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hey!

This is a Power Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: Hey, you did a review for me a while ago and I wanted to come and return the review, I'm only so sorry it took so long! I think I chose this piece because of the way you described it: Japanese style. It makes me think about what that could be, so I thought I'd come find out!

*Pencil*Storyline: This was a really creepy piece! It told the story of Shunsuke who lost his wife Sayaka five months ago. As he continues he daily life in the shop he owns, a strange woman comes to visit and requests candy. On the second visit steeling himself he follows her and finds himself at his late wife's grave when there is a baby crying from deep underground.

*People*Characters: Shunsuke in the main character in this piece. He feels to me like he is a middle aged man, he works hard and he is genuine. I liked him. He works hard in his shop despite the hardships that he has faced. He is brave in the face of the unknown (I'm not sure I could have followed the unknown woman!)

*Home*Setting: Much of this piece takes place in Shunsuke's shop where you set the scene of the story. He both lives and works there and it is a constant reminder of losing his wife. You describe it well, that and the graveyeard where he is eventually led by the ghostly woman (I presumed that was his late wife?)

*Ghost*Atmosphere/tone: There was a really creepy atmosphere throughout this piece, it gave me the chills. The way you describe the woman at the door as deathly pale, looking ashamed and ashed.



*Cut**Paste*I have no suggestions to make!


Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

727
727
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hey!

This is a Power Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: You did a review for me a while ago and I wanted to come and return the favour!

*Pencil*Storyline: This was a really nice little story. We meet the main protagonist who wants to enchant Sarah on their first date. On his way he comes across the Magical Flower stand and befriends Auntie Rosie who tells him to look in his heart.

*People*Characters: We meet the main protagonist who obviously wants to impress Sarah. I get the impression they've known each other for a while, perhaps as friends, but that something in their friendship is changed and that this is them moving forward. We never find out the main characters name and while this seems quite trivial I think it all adds up for portrayal of a character.

Auntie Rosie seems like a special woman. She is portrayed as being a little eccentric, a sparkle in her eye. I love the way he kind of giggles at her when he first sees her; he thinks she's eccentric and probably a con artist. But she is a genuine woman and can see more than most.

*Home*Setting: The setting of this piece is by Auntie Rosie's Magical Flower Stand. You describe it well to set the scene and not only entice our eyesight with the wonderful colours, but you invite the reader to sniff up and smell the flowers. I really liked that!

*Ghost*Atmosphere/tone: There was an atmosphere of love and affection in this piece. He really wanted to impress Sarah and make things go right, and Rosie was there to help him do just that.



*Cut**Paste*I have no suggestions to make!



Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

728
728
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hey!

This is a Power Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: You did a review for me a while ago and I wanted to come and return the favour. When I checked out your port I saw that you write a lot for the Daly Slice, so like me, you're a fellow horror writer! So I knew that anything I picked would be up my street. I think I picked this one because I remember the prompt about hoarding and it interested me, so I wanted to come and see what you had come up with!

*Pencil*Storyline: This was a truly creepy storyline! We meet Timothy who is doing a school project and Mr. Brickwood who seems eager to entertain him. However, we then learn of Mr. Brickwood's terrible obsession! I didn't see this coming at all, I knew it would be something bad but I wasn't sure what. Well done on making this so original!

*People*Characters: Timothy seems like th typical school bo; he is bored of the project and wants it over and done with. Mr. Brickwood comes across as being a polite old man, somebody who simply wants some company, and he find it in Timothy. But he is certainly more than he seems and has a very sinister obsession!

*Home*Setting: The setting of this piece is Mr. Brickwood's house. You describe it wonderfully to allow us to understand the context and see this house for ourselves with the rainbow of colours too.

*Ghost*Atmosphere/tone: There is a strong creepy atmosphere in this. As a reader I could sense that something wasn't quite right but couldn't put my finger on it so you've managed to build the tension well!

*BurstR*Dialogue: The dialogue throughout works for me, it feels natural. I would just mention trying to remember the correct punctuation marks at the end of speech.



*Cut**Paste*A few suggestions I had:

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear *Smile*

*BulletG*for a school project.” Timothy responded,
for a school project,” Timothy responded,

I would probably use a comma to end that speech because it is followed by a speech tag.

*BulletB*The walls we’re entirely covered with paintings,
The walls were entirely covered with paintings,

The word 'we're' means we are and that doesn't fit here, I think you were actually looking for the word 'were'!

*BulletR*“I see you noticed my little collection” Mr. Brickwood said
“I see you noticed my little collection,” Mr. Brickwood said

I just added a comma within your speech here.

*BulletV*other items we’re color coordinated
other items were color coordinated

*Bullet*“I’ve always loved color” Mr. Brickwood said quietly, “You could say it’s my obsession, sit down and I’ll tell you all about it” he said,
“I’ve always loved color,” Mr. Brickwood said quietly, “You could say it’s my obsession, sit down and I’ll tell you all about it,” he said,

*BulletG*extra bright lighting in the room and we’re immediately greeted
extra bright lighting in the room and was immediately greeted

I've put the word 'was' in here because to me it seems to sit there more comfortably than the word 'were'.



Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

729
729
Review of Old Jade  
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hey!

This is a Power Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook:

*Pencil*Storyline: Oooh this is a really creepy piece, well done! You captured my attention with it and kept me wanting to read on. You tell the story of two sisters who are left an old aunt's home after she passes away. Claire finds a necklace that she loves and tries it on, only to find that it has powers she could not understand.

*People*Characters: Claire and Mina are the main characters in this. They are sisters (I think) and seem to be quite juxtaposed against each other. Claire seems quite mellow and respectful while Mina is feeling aggreived that she has to clean the house.

We also meet Mingyu who is a man who had been trapped in the curse of the necklace by her great aunt, and for good reason it seems. He is malicious and sees only what he wants to achieve.

*Home*Setting: The setting of this piece is the great aunt's home. You describe it well and it certainly has a lot of quirkly items in it. It made me realise, after finishing it, that she was probably something of an explorer or adventurer.



*Cut**Paste*A few suggestions I had:

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear *Smile*

*BulletG* "It's beautiful." Claire said
"It's beautiful," Claire said

The end of the speech should have a comma because there is a speech tag after it.

*BulletB* It depicted an older women
It depicted an older woman

This should be 'woman' because it's singular rather than plural.

*BulletR*and she watched her body moved without her.
and she watched as her body moved without her.



Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

730
730
Review of Damon's Lilies  
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hey!

This is a Power Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: I saw this piece highlighted in your interview in the Horror Newsletter and wanted to come and read it, so here I am!

*Pencil*Storyline: This is a really creepy piece. We meet Damon who likes to take photographs of people, dead people. He does so with Lillian and her mother in this piece.

*People*Characters: Damon is a really creepy character. He thinks that what he is doing is normal, taking photographs. But he has killed Lillian, and we find out later, her mother, in aid of this. He makes me skin crawl a little, so that means you've done great!

*Home*Setting: The setting of this piece was Lillian's bedroom where she lay slaughtered. I think I would have liked to know how he killed her, I guess it was with a gun, but that's just speculation.

*Ghost*Atmosphere/tone: This was a really dark and creepy piece. We meet a creepy man with a creepy hobby and that emanates throughout as wel follow his thoughts.


*Cut**Paste*I have no suggestions to make!


Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

731
731
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hey!

This is a Writers Garden Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Checkg*What I liked:

Pat, I just wanted to let you know that these are some really beautifl c-notes. Very inspiring and just what I needed!




Hope this helped!



But well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the Writers Garden:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

732
732
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hey!

This is a Power Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Checkg*What I liked:

I just wanted to stop by and tell you that this is a fab forum! It really captures the need and the essense of the rules of the forum, what the Angel Outreach Program is about, how mentors and mentees can work and what they can expect. I also really like the sig, it works well and captures the very ideal of the forum *Smile*

It also operates in an easy to understand basis with people asking for mentors and being responded to but then carrying that on in email rather than clogging up the forum space.

Well done *Smile*


Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

733
733
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hey!

This is a Writers Garden Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

*Reading*Initial hook: Hey, you requested this review in the new Writers Garden in and out so I thought I would come and read it. I would suggest maybe not having the full title in capitals (I'm not sure why but that tends to put me off reading things). Also, I would suggest giving the piece a rating, that way it will show up on more listings.

*Checkg*What I liked:

This is a sweet little poem telling of the love of a woman of this man. She seems to idolise him and tells the reader what she loves about him from physical attributes to his personality. It's a really sweet piece *Smile*

The poem itself is in a free form and style which works well. It allows the woman who is telling the reader of this man to do so freely, so it works well *Smile*


*Cut**Paste*A few suggestions I had:

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear *Smile*

*BulletG*You are sunlight of my dark lit life
You are the sunlight of my dark lit life

I think I would add the word 'the' in here or change it to:

You are sunlight in my dark lit life

It seems to flow a little better.

*BulletB*I don’t know what I had do without you.
I don’t know what to do without you.

I'm not sure if this is what you were trying to say but the way you had it written confused me a little, I would change it just ever so slightly.


*NoteR*A few parting comments...

I would suggest adding some punctuation to this piece to help the reader read, it would help the flow a little too and help us know when complete thoughts are finished.

also, your style seems to change a little throughout. You go from talking about 'his eyes' etc to 'your touch' and I think that confuses things a little. I think you need to try and write in one style and I would suggest the second as it feels more personal and brings them closer together.


Hope this helped!



But well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the Writers Garden:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

734
734
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Hey!

This is a Power Review Raid! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: I picked this piece because the theme of the raid is parenting and I wanted to come and find out your personal experience of parenting. The title told me a lot about your understanding of being a parent and how and when it changed. It's quite a long title and then the description is quite short, I would suggest adding to it so the reader has more awareness of what is to come.

*Checkg*What I liked:

I think this is a nice piece that considers your knowledge of being a mother and what it means to you. You've experienced it in terms of your raw emotion and understanding and it works really well. I think after reading the title I expected to see more of an anecdote of things with your mum and then a comparison to how things are for you now and if your opinion has differed at all.

I particularly liked:

'all sweet,tender,caring and energetic....someone in the world who is always ready and keen with all her pure intentions to provide you with her shoulders to lean on when the world has turned their back on you.'


*Cut**Paste*A few suggestions I had:

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear *Smile*

*BulletG*years of a lil girl i have finally
years of a little girl I have finally

When writing I would tend to use full words rather than abbreviations. The word 'I' is always capitalised.

*BulletB*understanding and realizing what actually a mother is?
understanding and realizing what a mother actually is.

You're not asking a question here so I would take away the question mark.

*BulletR*A person who live here life as if it belongs to her kids.
A person who lives her life as if it belongs to her kids.

*BulletV*In other words if ther is someone beside
In other words if there is someone beside



Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

735
735
Review of Moments of Gold  
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hey!

This is a Power Raid Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: This month's power raid review is focusing on parenting, which is why I've been led to this piece! I've found that I've been drawn to non-fiction, I want to find out other people's experiences of parenting. And I think this piece, from the description, spans generations and so is something I really want to read *Smile*

*Checkg*What I liked:

This is a really lovely piece *Smile* And do you know something, I didn't realise what they were doing, that Kaleb was trying to play a game, until you pointed it out! Wow I know so little about children. I think it must have been amazing for you to be able to see that and understand it. Laughter of a baby always brings a grin to my face, I can't help it, it's just so innocent and powerful!

I really love that you've added picture with this piece, I think it really adds to it and lets us see those who are important in your life, it's great!


*Cut**Paste*I have no suggestions to make!


Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

736
736
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hey!

This is a Power Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: Hey I wanted to come and review this piece for the Power Review Raid. I think it struck me because it was a non-fiction piece and I wanted to find out what your take was. I think too, I wanted to know that you've been through the nightmare and back out of it again *Smile*

*Checkg*What I liked:

I'm really glad I came to read this piece. I don't often read non-fiction but this piece has shown me the unwavering and raw emotions you went through at the different stages of your son's life. You've been proud and angry and despairing. Yet you have never given up on him. He is your son and you love him and that comes across really clearly in this piece.

The way you've written this really compelled me to read on, it starts with the highlight, the proud moments after he initially stayed off meth. Only then did you move onto darker times and I think that was well done; you showed us your pride and how much you love him and all of the positive things you have to say about him before you go onto darker thoughts. I think that was a really great thing to do.

I think I'm really glad you put those updates in at the end; I wouldn't have been satisfied with it ending after that party and his return to the drug. And I have to say I'm so happy for you that things are looking up and moving forward *Smile*

You've really showed me a shining example of what a parent is, thank you *Suitheart*


*Cut**Paste*A few suggestions I had:

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear *Smile*

*BulletG*It wasn't the condition of my house that cause my despondency.
It wasn't the condition of my house that caused my despondency.

Just a tiny typo here, I hope you don't mind me pointing it out...



Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

737
737
Review of Boys and Poop  
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey!

This is a Power Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: I'm here with a Power Review Raid! I think I chose this piece because it is a real life non-fiction piece about your experience as a parent and that's something that really interests me!

*Checkg*What I liked:

Haha this piece made me giggle, a lot! I'm not laughing at your potty training efforts either, I don't have children so it's not something I've had to go through. I don't envy you at all!

Thank you for sharing this little anecdote with us *Smile* I like how you've been completely honest and open with it, telling it just like it is and how you felt. I think the part when the boy discovered if he peed when he went bare britches, that it would propel! That made me *Bigsmile* I can imagine all boys probably go through this and it's funny but not, especially not for you!

You wrapped up the story with a piece at the end which told us how you've resolved the issue after trying many different methods... oh how we love the belt! Congratulations on thinking that one up *Smile*

But thanks again for sharing this with us, it's been insightful and certainly a learning curve for when the time comes!


*Cut**Paste*I don't have any suggestions!



Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

738
738
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hey!

This is a Power Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: I love Fairytales and the idea of finding out an alternate ending made me want to come and read, so here I am!

*Pencil*Storyline: This story really tickled me! I think it's picked up on everything that is wrong with the overly politically correct society we live in!

*People*Characters: Mrs Bear was the main character in this and far from the ferocious mummy bear we saw in Goldilocks that was a little angry her porridge was eaten, we could really empathise with her. I felt myself feeling her pain; she was upset, outraged that she was being told she wasn't fit to look after a human. But she gets her revenge and that's a nice little twist *Smile*

*Home*Setting: The setting is the little cottage in the woods, just as I remember it!

*Checkg*What I liked:

This was a really well written piece that touched on many issues of politicaly correctness, you dealt with the subject well in a light and humourous way but still got your point across, well done!


*Cut**Paste*I have no suggestions to make!



Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

739
739
Review of Clowning Around  
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey!

This is a Power Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: Hey! You did a review for me a little while ago and I wanted to come and return the favour. I think I chose to read this piece because it had clowns in the title and clowns scare me.... we have to let fear overtake in the safety of our own homes sometimes, don't we...?

*Pencil*Storyline: This is a really sad story of a clown who wants to be taken seriously, but no matter what he tries or what he does to convince people, all they want is to experience the laughter.

*People*Characters: The clown is the main character within this and despite popular stereotypes of clowns I would say this guy is a total juxtaposition! He is down and low at some points, he wants to be taken seriously rather than laughed at. I think you portray the emotions he goes through really well.

*Ghost*Atmosphere/tone: There was a strong atmosphere of sadnes in this piece; I felt really sorry for the guy, he isn't asking for much!


*Cut**Paste*A few suggestions I had:

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear *Smile*

*BulletG*HaHaHaHaSigh, the clown thinks to himself,
HaHaHaHa Sigh, the clown thinks to himself,



Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

740
740
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hey!

This is a Power Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: Hey, you reviewed a piece for me and I wanted to come and return the favour. I think I chose this piece because I love pirates and I wanted to challenge myself to review a poem.

*Pencil*Storyline: This poem runs like a ballad with a beginning middle and end, telling the story of the pirate who likes to help others.

*Checkg*What I liked:

It was really nicely written and it flowed well in its free verse.


*Cut**Paste*A few suggestions I had:

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear *Smile*

*BulletG*and put his feet in wooden stair,
and put his feet on the wooden stair,

*BulletB*He make his curly hair,
standing on the air..
He makes his curly hair,
stand in the air..


*BulletR*Theirs a tattoo on his chest,
Theres a tattoo on his chest,

*BulletV*"we are the heroes in the horizon.."
"aye,aye "captain said his gang
"We are the heroes in the horizon.."
"Aye, aye Captain!" said his gang

*Bullet*They sail their ship through seven seas..,
They sailed their ship through seven seas..,

Because this is in the past you need to add 'ed' to the end of 'sail

*BulletG*He share his wealth with poor ones,
He shared his wealth with poor ones,


*NoteR*A few parting comments...

This is a good sea faring poem and speaks highly of the Pirate on board the ship! I've just pointed out a few grammatical errors within it, I just thought I'd let you know *Smile* You're doing great though!

Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

741
741
Review of Run and Die  
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hey!

This is a Power Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: You did a review for me a while back and I wanted to come and repay the favour. I chose this piece because I think mixing history with horror works really well and I can't wait to see what you've come up with! I would suggest giving this piece a title that tells the reader what it's about, or alludes to it. It will encourage more people to read.

*Pencil*Storyline: We follow Conrad in this piece as he leads a group of youths in the war. We see him follow his orders and tell them to kill themselves when things don't go as planned. However, later on when he is old and living his new life, they come back to haunt Conrad. I can see that you've certainly followed the prompt here, well done.

*People*Characters: Conrad is the main character in this; he comes across as a young boy leadering younger boys. I do feel a little sorry for him. However, I think he's only out to look after himself (shown by his actions) and so in the end when they come back for him, I didn't feel too sorry for him.

*Home*Setting: This was set in World War one. You use an opening section to explain to the reader what the context is and I think that worked really well.



*Cut**Paste*A few suggestions I had:

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear *Smile*

*BulletG*The concentrations camps were no longer a concern
The concentration camps were no longer a concern

*BulletB*Some of the clothing was leftovers from World War I.
Some of the clothing were leftovers from World War I.

*BulletR*The young men and children really ducked and covered.
The young men and children ducked and covered.

I don't think you need the word 'really' here

*BulletV* I think I would suggest changing the rating of this piece to an 18+, you have some curse words and the content is pretty graphic.


*NoteR*A few parting comments...

This was a good short story and you followed the prompt well. I would say you probably tell rather than show, show the reader the surroundings, the young people. What does it look like, smell like? I think I would have liked to see the ending when he was being eaten alive described in more detail in terms of the senses to show me what it was like and paint the picture for me.

Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

742
742
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hey!

This is a Power Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: You did a review a while ago for me and I wanted to come and repay the favour. This piece looks interesting and I can imagine you could be really creative with it; it made me want to read it *Smile*

*Pencil*Storyline: This was a really sad story line and you captured it really well. The lines are quite irregular and at first I was going to suggest maybe putting them into a more structured paragraph format, but it works well and seems to fit nicely with the flow. It's not quite a story, not quite poetry but it works. So well done for that!

*People*Characters: The woman in the car is the main person in this piece and she is the one who has committed suicide. Through the investigation of the car we find out a lot about her and what she was like; what music she liked, that she liked to write, map and girl stuff. We can analyse all of this and realise a lot about her and then again, know nothing at all. Because despite everything, some of the things that would make other people happy, this girl was not and she killed herself because she was so unhappy. So you've been able to show us the surface view of the girl but we don't get to know the real her and never will.

*Home*Setting: The setting of this piece is in a car. You describe that well to allow the reader to visualise the scene.

*Ghost*Atmosphere/tone: There was a strong atmosphere of tragedy in this piece. I really felt for the girl, for her pain, because she clearly felt unworthy and that makes me sad.


*Cut**Paste*A few suggestions I had:

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear *Smile*

*BulletG*{{i}i}God, how I’ve tried … to fit in … to find my place … to find my soulmate.
Now, I give up.

I imagine this part is supposed to be the girl speaking and the italics haven't worked. It should look like:

God, how I’ve tried … to fit in … to find my place … to find my soulmate.
Now, I give up.



Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

743
743
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey!

This is a Writers Garden Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

*Reading*Initial hook: I think after reading your other non-fiction musings piece I really wanted to come and read this one too! you have a really good and clear style that I wanted to see more of.

*Checkg*What I liked:

I think like the last piece I read, I really have to agree with you here! I too am one of those who struggles to read poetry. I can understand the words, see how it fits together, understand how nice it sounds, but when it comes to looking at the meaning behind those words my brain melts. And that makes me feel awful and unjustified of reading somebody's work. I don't want to give a half hearted review that will mean nothing to that person, so I choose not to review.

You've presented a really clear argument here, you're honest and cannot be faulted for that *Smile*

I would say the poem you wrote about your golden retriever is pretter good! It's short and simple and it works. There's no hidden meaning, it's raw and out there which made it easy for me to comment on *Smile* thanks!




Hope this helped!



But well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the Writers Garden:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

744
744
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hey!

This is a Writers Garden Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

*Reading*Initial hook: Hey! Sorry it's taken me a while to get to this, it was on my list of things to do I've just been really busy! But here I am *Smile*

*Pencil*Storyline: This story tells of a young girl Emily who explores a closet in the attic that she finds where there is a trunk. When she begins to look through it she finds a letter along with a photograph that is from her father who passed away during the war.

*People*Characters: The main character in this piece is Emily, she seems to be a young girl. She is taken care of by her aunt but we don't see anything of her and I get the feeling Emily is quite an isolated young woman. We learn about her father through the letter which is a good touch.

*Home*Setting: The setting of this story is in the attic where Emily finds the old trunk. You describe it well and it comes across as being a rather dusty old place, like attics are supposed to be.

*Ghost*Atmosphere/tone: There was a strong atmosphere of sadness within this; I think you captured it well. Emily is reading a letter from her dad who passed away and learns of her mother too.



*Cut**Paste*A few suggestions I had:

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear *Smile*

*BulletG*Emily started to sneezing again.
Emily started to sneeze again.

*BulletB*She found that old store room in upper stairs few days ago.
She found that old store upstairs few days ago.

*BulletR*She saw punched letters on the trunk box.
She saw punched letters on the trunk.

I don't think you need both words 'trunk' and 'box' when describing this, I would use one or the other.

*BulletV*One day you will grown up as a lady and you will understand what this mean.
One day you will be grown up, a lady and you will understand what this means.

*Bullet*your Mommy was not their.
your Mommy was not there.

*BulletG*You will grown now as a beautiful lady,but you always be my little girl.
You will be grown now as a beautiful lady,but you always be my little girl.



*NoteR*A few parting comments...

This is a good piece and captures the sadness that Emily feels, well done for that! I would suggest you do a little more telling than showing. Try to invigorate the reader by using different senses; how does hte closet smell? Why is it so dark? I would also suggest that you use line spacing between each paragraph to make it a little easier to read and try to remember to use spaces after punctuation for the same reason.


Hope this helped!



But well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the Writers Garden:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

745
745
Review of Fighting Myself  
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey!

This is a Writers Garden Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

*Reading*Initial hook: I chose this piece because I like fiction and the title really caught my attention.

*Pencil*Storyline: This is a really near story line; its lighthearted and fun. You stick it through to the end and it made me smile, well done!

*People*Characters: There are three main characters in this; Steve, Billy and Sarah. They are all tomboys (two of them actualy boys) and are portrayed as being free spirited. They seem to fight a lot but then sometimes I think boys do that. I think I would have liked to know what age they all were.

*Home*Setting: The setting isn't really gone into in detail. It's not really needed for the story so it's fine but perhaps in other stories you might want to think about developing setting.


*Cut**Paste*A few suggestions I had:

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear *Smile*

*BulletG*Billy meekly asked as he came up off of Steve.
Billy asked meekly as he clambered off Steve.

I think changing this around a little bit adds description to the scene.

*BulletB*that doesn’t settle down in one place to long.
that doesn’t settle down in one place too long.


*NoteR*A few parting comments...

This was a really nice little piece. I have to say I was worried that Sarah wasn't going to come back but felt glad when the boys realised she was just being overly dramatic *Wink*


Hope this helped!



But well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the Writers Garden:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

746
746
Review of Lost In Time  
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | N/A (Unratable.)
Hey!

This is a Power Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: I wanted to come and return the thoughtful review you did for me and so here I am! I think this piece intrigued me because I love things pirates and I saw you wrote it for the Storytellers group *Smile*

*Pencil*Storyline: The storyline is a fun one! Pirates of the year 1856 get transported forward in time to the year 2012! I like that they can recognise everything and see where they were but they knew something was different.

*People*Characters:Lillith and Mercury are the main characters in this story. Lillith is portrayed as a really strong woman, someone who knows who she is and what she wants. I really like that *Smile* Yet she's still feminine and not afraid of it. Mercury is her man, a handsome pirate who obviously cares about her a lot, it shows in the way he holds her and protects her.

*Home*Setting: The setting was today's era with a past generation of characters; it worked really well and was comedic.



*Cut**Paste*A few suggestions I had:

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear *Smile*

*BulletG*They had traveled to Ireland and it had ben a calm trip
They had traveled to Ireland and it had been a calm trip

*BulletB*You are kidding, right? My ancestor was Lilith, a Piarate Princess.
You are kidding, right? My ancestor was Lilith, a Pirate Princess.


*NoteR*A few parting comments...

This was a well written piece, it was fun adn light hearted *Smile*

Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

747
747
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hey!

This is a Power Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: Hey! sorry it took me a while to get back to you with this but I'm glad you told me you've got this up, I wanted to come and read it!

*Pencil*Storyline: The storyline works well and continues fluidly from the first part. We see Kalum, a man who has seen only his first moon, enter a village. He is picked up straight away by a man and his pack, a hidden pack from the village. It seems he may find some company or solace in having some company.

*People*Characters: Kalum was the main character once more and it continued in the same vein. We can see clearly how he hates what he has become and how he wishes he can change it. He hates what he has become and sees himself as a monster.

*Ghost*Atmosphere/tone: There's a strong atmosphere of tension, particularly at the end of this piece where the two men are begfinning to size up. I found myself wondering if it would happen and who would win the fight.


*Cut**Paste*A few suggestions I had:

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear *Smile*

*BulletG*In the blink of an the beast pounced
In the blink of an eye the beast pounced


*NoteR*A few parting comments...

This is a good continuation of the first piece and I can't wait to read the next! Let me know when you've put it up!

Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

748
748
Review of King Tut  
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hey!

This is a Power Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: I wanted to read this piece because I love the Egyptians *Smile*

*Pencil*Storyline: This was a fun little short story, flash fiction indeed! You chose a fun subject and mixed it up with contemporary issues; it worked me well and I have to say, made me giggle! Even the bad joke in the last line *Wink*

*People*Characters: The main character was a very young King Tut, characterised in a truly funny way! I can just imagine him on his mobile...


*Cut**Paste*A suggestion I had:

*BulletG*I think the only suggestion I would make it to make sure you put each new speech onto a new paragraph just to help keep it separate!


Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

749
749
Review of A heart  
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey!

This is a Power Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: I wanted to come and return a review you did for me, so here I am! I don't often read poetry but this piece intrigued me and I wanted to find out what it meant to you.

*Checkg*What I liked:

This is a really nice little poem. You've let your emotions flow into it naturally, it feels raw and that works well. You've gotten your opinion across really well and what love can mean and what it can do to people.


*Cut**Paste*A suggestion I had:

*BulletG*I think the only suggestion I would make would be to maybe add some punctuation to this piece, there were a couple of places I wanted to pause so they could do with some commas.

Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

750
750
Review of Atrocity  
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hey!

This is a Power Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: The title and description of this piece really hooked me in; they left me feeling that something sinister was lurking within and I wanted to find out what it was. The first paragraph was great, it really had me wondering what was going on

*Pencil*Storyline: I think that while I understood the story was about the horrific Wendigo and the torment it inflicted on Josh and Jenny, it left me feeling a little confused. I think at first where there was quite a lot of speech going on I wasn't sure who was talking at all times so that didn't help. Maybe it would be good to add some extra dialogue tags to ensure your reader knows who is talking. I think at times, I was unsure whether Josh had killed Jenny or whether it was the Wendigo. I think I also got confused along the lines of whether it was going on inside of his head or if the Wendigo possessed him. However, this may have a lot to know with my lack of knowledge of Wendigo's so excuse me if that's the truth.

*People*Characters: Josh is the main character within this and you portray him well, exhibiting different characteristics as he goes through his ordeal. We see a lot of fear, confusion, anger and pain. You use description really well to show the reader what he is feeling and thinking. The Wendigo is also a really big character in this piece. It is depicted as a malicious creature, dark and devilrous and particularly terrifying. I think you really developed him well!

*Home*Setting: The setting was Josh's home, deep in the woods where he prefers to be a little isolated from society. We spend a lot of time in the bathroom seeing what was going on, you described it well at different stages as a place for Josh's pain and torture.

*Ghost*Atmosphere/tone: There was a really strong atmosphere of tension and foreboding in this piece. I felt the fear rolling of Josh as he faced the Wendigo.

*BurstR*Dialogue: The dialogue felt really realistic and I particularly liked the dialogue from the Wendigo as it's how I would have pictured him talking.

*Checkg*What I liked:

I really liked these two paragraphs:

His heart almost lurched to a stop, he was being held high above the ground, looking into the face of death. It had no lips. Only a few dark violet strips of sinew hung from jagged, dirty jawbones. The remaining jowls that lined the black gums were flecked with bright spittle; reminding him of grub squirming in fresh loam. Seeing where the eyes were was far more terrifying than when they were floating in the shadows. They spoke about horrific and painful actions against him.

Flaming orbs nestled deep into cracked sockets , perched atop either side of a long, wolfish muzzle. Spiny reptilian brows bridged the outer rims of the cavernous sockets. They rolled down to the base of the snout and accentuated the sharp needle fangs. The teeth were rotted and dark yellow, all had specks of blood dripping from the tips. It roared again, the roof of the mouth was jagged and a violet so dark it was almost black. He stared into the gaping pit as golden spots appeared in his vision.

They were really immense and so full of vivid description that I could see the terrifying beast just as Josh did.


*Cut**Paste*A few suggestions I had:

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear *Smile*

*BulletG* hoping it will all be over soon.
hoping it would all be over soon.

*BulletB*Jenny was dead for a long time now.
Jenny was dead for a long time now.

I think this should be 'had been' I think it sounds a little bit more comfortable.

*BulletR*He will wake up soon,
He would wake up soon,

I would suggest using the word 'would' here to keep it in the past tense.

*BulletV* "See, your not real!
"See, you're not real!



Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

1,045 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 42 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile.php/reviews/joanne4eva/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/30