Hey!
This is a Power Review! ![Smile *Smile*](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/e21/smile.png)
Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!
Initial hook: Hey, I've had this stored in my favourites for a while because I wanted to come and read it!
Storyline: 'In the Mirror' tells the story of Mrs. Todd and her husband (whom we never meet). She asks for a police prescence to witness the phenomenon in the mirror. The officer think she's a 'nut job' but soon experience it first hand and tried to kill Mrs. Todd. He realises he has been possessed for a short moment. He promises to try and help her but the next time the call comes Mrs. Todd is gone and Ida is back; she's killed her husband but she saved the officer from the fire in the house.
Some questions I had:
Where did the fire come from?
Why did she save him?
How come the mirror was outside and unharmed after the fire?
This piece switches perspectives a few times throughout which I found quite confusing because it's written in the first person and we're not made aware that any change will be made. If you wish to use both of their perspectives I would suggest that you want the reader to be able to see everything that happens; I would suggest you switch from first to third person i.e. she did, he said.
Characters: Because the story moved about a lot (Mrs. Todd and the officer were the main characters) I found it got a little confusing because they weren't always themselves. I like the story and think it works well but need a bit more notice when someone has possessed them. Perhaps a physical or mental change. For example:
Mesmerized, I watch as the man caresses the woman’s face gently. His face changes, anger fills his eyes. My blood is boiling, I’m feeling… He stands up, raises his hand and slaps her to the floor. The lady, same size as Mrs. Todd, five foot three, 100 pounds, dark hair, they could be sisters. Anger, where did that come from? He drags her up by her hair, shakes her and slaps her again. Crinolines, I hear the taffeta and crinolines fly behind me. I stand, turning and knock Mrs. Todd down.'
It is hard to tell when he is changing and becoming possessed and he still switches from seeing the man in the mirror to being that man. Perhaps a sentence like:
'He felt something squirming inside of him; an unabated anger for the woman that he'd never met before. The red mist shielded his vision as he raised his hand to slap her again.'
Dialogue: I found the dialogue a little confusing in places; especially at the beginning, there aren't a lot of speech tags so we don't know who is talking any when. I would suggest adding more speech tags i.e. she said, he said.
Also, I would suggest that only the direct thoughts should be in italics and that they should be in present tense. You switch perspectives a few times and it gets a little confusing. For example, when there is action it should not be in italics because it's a part of the story line rather than his thoughts.
![Cut *Cut*](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/e21/cut.png) A few suggestions I had:
Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear ![Smile *Smile*](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/e21/smile.png)
“When I looked into the mirror, I didn’t expect, well I guess I should start at the beginning, though.”
“When I looked into the mirror, I didn’t expect... well, I guess I should start at the beginning.”
Personally, he looked at me like I was nuts.
Personally, I think he looked at me like I was nuts.
This is her opinion so I would add in a couple of extra words here just to make it clear.
Mrs. Todd, skittish little lady, long hair, dark brown eyes darting constantly about, stylishly dressed, I wonder if she ever stops fidgeting?
This is the first thought within the story. I had no idea who was thinking it, what relation he was to Mrs. Todd. I think I would have written something like:
I sat and studied her closely. Mrs. Todd is a skittish lady with long hair. Her eyes are constantly moving. I wonder if she ever stop fidgeting?
“It took almost a year in total to get the house ready to live in, it and a whole lot of sweat equity. It was a work of love.”
“This is the dining room, the kitchen is just beyond....
Are both of these paragraphs Mrs. Todd speaking? If so, it's not made clear. Perhaps some speech tags would help that out.
His eyes brighten; I guess he thinks we’re finally getting to the good part. I know, however, we’re getting to the part I can’t explain. I start fidgeting with my necklace, rubbing the cross back and forth across the chain, goose bumps
His eyes brighten; I guess he thinks we’re finally getting to the good part. I know, however, we’re getting to the part I can’t explain. I start fidgeting with my necklace, rubbing the cross back and forth across the chain. Goose bumps
What’s happening to me now? Whoa now, am I starting to believe her? She hasn’t told me anything to believe. Sam, snap back to reality. You can’t let her see you get shaky.
What’s happening to me now? Whoa now, am I starting to believe her? She hasn’t told me anything to believe. Sam, snap back to reality, he remonstrated himself. You can’t let her see you get shaky.
I take a deep breath, blow it out, and open the door to the bedroom, a chill enveloped me.
I took a deep breath and blew it out, and then opened the door to the bedroom. A chill enveloped me.
This sentence had elements of both past and present tense. I tend to find it more consistent and more easily flowing if you choose one and stick to it.
Continuing the tour, “We found
We continued the tour. “We found
“Watch, it’s starting,” she whispers in my ear.
This piece switches from her perspective to his; it gets a little confusing.
Where’s your husband? What happened, Ma’am?”
"Where’s your husband? What happened, Ma’am?”
A few parting comments...
I hope that my comments have been helpful! I did enjoy reading this piece and feel like it has a lot of potential. Let me know once you've edited and I'd be happy to come back and re-rate ![Smile *Smile*](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/e21/smile.png)
Hope this helped!
Well done on a good write!!![Pencil *Pencil*](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/e21/pencil.png)
Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
|
|