Jeff's (jeff) Reviews

Review Requests: OFF

4,619 Public Reviews Given

4,748 Total Reviews Given

Review Style

I believe in constructive criticism and honesty. I can adapt my review style to fit the kind of feedback an author is looking for (e.g., developmental suggestions, fine-tuning, proofreading, etc.), but will always try to be as encouraging and helpful as possible.

I'm good at...

Plotting, characterization, dialogue, structure/pacing, and professional considerations. I can also do serviceable technical editing/proofreading, but I'm much better with developmental/creative feedback.

Favorite Genres

I read almost everything. I particularly love genre fiction (mystery/thriller and science fiction/fantasy especially) and nonfiction of all kinds.

801

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3565666

Review of A Weekend at Eagle House- Chapter1

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

Hi carphi

-

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following Simply Positive review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

You did a great job with your use of detail and description. The world you created was vivid and clear in my mind as I read; I got a real sense for who these characters are and the event to which they've been invited.

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

I felt that the events in the story were a little one-note. I know this is the beginning of a story, but the chapter focused on a variety of characters as they're invited to a dinner party... and every character seemed to have the same reaction, which was excitement about the invitation and a willingness to go. I think it would be more effective if at least one or two of the invitees were apprehensive about or uninterested in going, at least a little bit to create some tension.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I think this is a solid story that was engaging and interesting. It would be a pleasure to feature in the next issue of the Official Mystery Newsletter!

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"
"Beyond The Water's Edge - CLOSED"

Animated Tweety Simply Positive group sig.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

802

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3565624

Review of Code World: Mother’s Day

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

Hi RainbowSheltie

-

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following Simply Positive review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

I liked your take on the prompt. I thought it was original and creative and you did a good job creating a bond between the brothers that really shone through and defined them.

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

I felt like there was a little too much backstory for the characters. With so few words in a flash fiction story, it can be tough to try to include so much information without it seeming dry or forced. I think that if this story were expanded, you could really include a lot of vibrant detail about the brothers, their lives, and their mission... but in a story of less than a thousand words, it felt a little heavy.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I thought you did a good job with this story. It was a compelling read from beginning to end, and it would be a pleasure to feature this item in the next issue of the Official Mystery Newsletter.

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"
"Beyond The Water's Edge - CLOSED"

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

803

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3554061

Review of The bad and the broken

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 13+

| (3.0)

Hi KcG

-

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following Simply Positive review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

I think you did a really effective job with the intro. That short scene really created a sense of mystery and a problem that needed to be solved in this story. It definitely made me want to read on.

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

I thought that the rest of the story (the "earlier that day") was a little disconnected from the intro. The opening scene involved Ashley dying, but the connection wasn't made with the events earlier in the day. I would recommend bringing the story back around full circle.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I think you did a good job with this story. You definitely set up the potential for a compelling mystery. It felt a little unfinished, but if you can bring the events of the intro back into the story, I think you'd have a great piece on your hands. Good work!

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"
"Beyond The Water's Edge - CLOSED"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

804

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3545902

Review of The Burning

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with

Rated: ASR

| (4.0)

Hi Fadz

-

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following Rising Stars Member-to-Member review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

I really like the organization of this piece, with the times of the day marking the passing of time and the section headings. I think that's a creative and unique way to structure a piece of writing. I also thought your story was compelling, and your characterization of Caitlyn was excellent.

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

I was hoping for a little more development of the mythology. You set up a really interesting legend in your story, about the ninth daughter and the manifestation of the Power at the end... I would have loved to have read more detail about the Power and how it is handled by both Caitlyn and her ancestors.

OVERALL COMMENTS

Overall, I think you did a good job with this story. The characterization of Caitlyn was excellent and the narrative was compelling. I'm not sure if it had to be under 1,000 words for a contest entry of some kind, but if not, then I would love to see some more detail about this world you've created.

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"
"Beyond The Water's Edge - CLOSED"

** Image ID #1718355 Unavailable **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

805

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3545895

Review of The Bar

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi Paradoxical

-

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following Rising Stars Member-to-Member review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

You did a really good job setting the atmosphere and tone of this piece. Your description was spot on and really created a vivid mental image in the reader's mind. Your concept is well thought out and well executed. All in all, a very satisfying short horror story!

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

The one issue I noticed (and it's a relatively minor one) is the use of italics. It seems like the entire section is italicized, and it was unclear why that is. If it was meant to be the voice speaking (in which case the narrative description should not be italicized). Overall, this is a relatively minor issue in an otherwise solid story.

OVERALL COMMENTS

I thought you did a great job with this story. It was entertaining, spooky, and well written. Excellent work!

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"
"Beyond The Water's Edge - CLOSED"

** Image ID #1718355 Unavailable **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

806

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3543994

Review of Itch

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with The Dark Society

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Hi Kotaro

-

The following is my official review as a judge for the Sinister Stories Contest, and I have enclosed the following Dark Society review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

Great story and excellent description. The narrative was well formed and presented effectively; I was hooked from beginning to end with this compelling tale.

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

I was hoping that the ancient evil would have been described a little more, and its relation to the modern world explained a little more. With this prompt, I was hoping for a great juxtaposition between an older entity and adapting to a technological new world... while the story itself was very compelling, I felt that the prompt was more of a peripheral mention rather than a centerpiece of the story.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I think you have a very compelling story here; one that had me riveted from beginning to end. Unfortunately, there were not enough entries to award any places, but I am enclosing some GPs as a thank you for entering this round of the contest and for your excellent entry.

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"
"Beyond The Water's Edge - CLOSED"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

807

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3543992

Review of Red Phone

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with The Dark Society

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi LuisPadilla

-

The following is my official review as a judge for the Sinister Stories Contest, and I have enclosed the following Dark Society review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

I liked your blend of technology with the ancient evil that is Satan bargaining for people's souls. You used modern electronics to good effect, and really came up with a unique take on the prompt of an ancient evil coming alive in modern times.

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

I think there was a little too much prodding by Satan to remember who he is. For me, the story would have been even stronger if you had lengthened the amount of time between those questions being asked, and really let Dan writhe and squirm and try to figure it out on his own without being prompted so often.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I think this was a compelling story with a great take on the prompt. Unfortunately, there are not enough entries to award any places, but I am enclosing some GPs with this review as a thank you for taking the time to enter, and as a consolation prize since I think you did a really great job with your story. Thank you for entering!

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"
"Beyond The Water's Edge - CLOSED"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

808

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3536541

Review of Hidden in Plain Thought- Lilly

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (3.0)

Hi Salem O'Rourke

-

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following Simply Positive review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

I like the premise of this piece. Split Personality Disorder is always a fascinating topic for a mystery, especially when the subject is unaware of the other potential personalities. You did a good job of creating a compelling narrative with a sympathetic and confused protagonist.

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

I was hoping for a little more in terms of conflict and tension in the story. It seems like there was a lot of lead up to the revelation that they believed she suffered from Split Personality Disorder... almost as if that revelation were the climax of the story. I think it would be more interesting if you started with the last scene of her in the interview room, and went from there. For me, having Split Personality Disorder isn't what's interesting; it's what she does with that information once she finds out.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I thought there were a lot of good elements to the story. Conceptually, I think you've come up with something interesting and exciting, and you're well on your way to having a very compelling story.

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"
"Beyond The Water's Edge - CLOSED"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

809

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3536383

Review of RIDDLE - Old English style

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi Manuel

-

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following Simply Positive review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

Good structure. The layout of the poem is creative and effective; it's concise, to the point, and the way each line is structured makes the piece feel - as a whole - well designed and presented.

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

You might want to consider putting the answer to the riddle in the item. You could use a dropnote or a popnote to hide it, so a reader would actually have to click to figure it out. If you wanted them to be able to figure it out on their own, that is.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

I must have read this poem a dozen times, and I'm still no closer to figuring out the riddle. I'm officially stumped... so if that was the intention of the piece, congratulations!

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"
"Beyond The Water's Edge - CLOSED"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

810

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3534440

Review of ONE DAY AN ANGEL

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi SHERRI GIBSON

-

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following Simply Positive review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

What I loved most about this poem was its complexity. I don't often see poems where every line is nearly a full or even compound sentence, and I think you used that structure to great effect here, creating a full thought or emotion with every one of your lines, rather than relying on an entire stanza of short lines to communicate one thought or idea. As a result, you've created a wonderful piece that's incredibly thought provoking and rich in detail.

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

When I write, I always look for ways to shorten my writing... to cut out any unnecessary words that aren't needed to convey my point. There were a couple of lines in this poem that I thought - along those lines - could be pared down ever so slightly to create an even more impactful piece. For example:

"Shimmer like the moon and stars seen above."

"I’ll know peace and happiness that is unlike any other."

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, this is a wonderful piece of writing that is short, simple, and yet says so much. Excellent work!

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"
"Beyond The Water's Edge - CLOSED"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

811

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3534434

Review of Fairy’s Favor

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi Joy

-

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following Simply Positive review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

I thought this was a wonderful poem that had an amazing amount a creativity to it. The poem tells a complete story and takes the reader (along with the poem's subject) through a variety of emotions as events unfold with the tooth fairy. All in all, this was an excellent narrative poem.

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

Some of the lines felt a little awkward at times. I think - at least to my ear - that comes from some of the rhyming couplets being a disparate number of syllables. For example:

"Under my pillow it was bound,
With Kleenex wrapped around"

For me, I think the 8/6 syllable disparity makes the second line of that couplet feel a little uneven. Adding even one syllable to that line, e.g. "With Kleenex wrapped ALL around," would - IMO - make the couplet even more effective because the syllables would then be 8/7 which feels a little more fluid.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I really enjoyed this poem. The story was captivating and your characters were engaging, creating a complete work that was a pleasure to read.

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"
"Beyond The Water's Edge - CLOSED"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

812

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3527949

Review of A Hundred and Ninety-Five Steps

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer Break"

Hi Phyllis

-

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following Simply Positive review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

This is a beautiful poem! The imagery and the emotion are so vivid that the reader can't help but lose themselves in your words. There was just enough detail and description to create vibrant images in the minds of your readers, without weighing down the pacing and progression of the poem. Great job!

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

I wish I had some suggestions for improvement, but I could honestly find none. This is a fantastic piece.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, you really hit this one out of the park. I'm so glad I stopped by your port today and found this item; it's easily one of my favorite poems that I've found here on Writing.Com.

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"
"Beyond The Water's Edge - CLOSED"

** Image ID #1534736 Unavailable **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

813

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3527422

Review of Cartoonist Theory

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer Break"

Hi DragonsDream *Aryana*

-

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following Simply Positive review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

I really loved this poem. I thought it was fun, entertaining, and really drew a great picture (no pun intended... okay, well maybe sorta intended

) of a cartoonist and the work they do.

You mentioned that it was your first attempt at humor and I think you did a really great job with it, be it your first time or your fiftieth.

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

There were a couple rhyming couplets that felt a little awkward due to an extra syllable in the lines. Specifically:

"Let's make him wave - just flip the pages,
Cartoons have made me giggle for ages!"

AND

"Erase the whiskers, add a hat,
Remove some hair and look, no more cat!"

To me, the extra syllable in each line made the couplet feel just a bit off. If you could find a way to reduce the second line by a syllable (in the first example, perhaps "giggle" could become "laugh") in each case, I think you'd have a much stronger, more fluid structure.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I really enjoyed this item. I think you did a great job with it.

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"
"Beyond The Water's Edge - CLOSED"

** Image ID #1534744 Unavailable **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

814

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3526648

Review of WHEN IT RAINS, IT POURS

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer Break"

Hi SHERRI GIBSON

-

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following Simply Positive review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

This was a really touching and endearing personal reflection on a tumultuous time in your life. I think the message at the end is an important one that everyone should take to heart. As human beings, we all go through difficult times where it seems like we'll never get out from under the mire in which we find ourselves... but if you look hard enough, there can be a silver lining to almost anything. My heart breaks for your family member's children and the heartache they had to endure seeing a family member battle such a debilitating addiction.

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

I only have one small suggestion regarding word choice. In the fifth paragraph where you discuss your daughter's car accident, your second sentence says, "...[they] weren't badly injured." However, the sentence immediately following begins with, "My daughter's ankle was badly sprained..." I know that, in a car accident, to walk away with only a sprain is a blessing... but the use of "badly" twice (first by saying they weren't badly injured, then saying that her ankle was badly sprained) created a bit of a contradiction in my mind.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, this was a very touching and emotional story. I thank you for sharing part of your life with us, and for teaching us a lesson in the process.

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"
"Beyond The Water's Edge - CLOSED"

** Image ID #1534744 Unavailable **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

815

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3526072

Review of Is the World coming to an end?

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with The Talent Pond

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi Maverick

-

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following Talent Pond review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

I liked the message in this piece. I think you did a good job demonstrating all the reasons that we need one another, before posing the hypothesis that we should try to connect, even if the world isn't ending. It was a great, heartfelt message.

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

I thought that the work felt a bit unbalanced... the first three paragraphs explain the current situation, and only the last paragraph addresses the true thesis of the piece. I was hoping for a little more explanation and expansion on your concept once it's presented.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

I think this is an interesting and thought-provoking piece of writing. I really enjoyed the read.

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"
"Beyond The Water's Edge - CLOSED"

A review signature for Talent Pond members.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

816

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3526039

Review of The Steampunk Authors' Guild

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with The Talent Pond

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi tYpO/T.Boilerman

-

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following Talent Pond review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

I think the graphics are great and the text is easy to follow and understand. It's very clear what this group is about, and that's all you can ask for in a group item.

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

I would recommend putting links in the group item to the Pressure Valve contest and Boiler Room Forum. Theoretically, you're providing a link to the main group page when you advertise, promote the group, link in a post so people can sign up, etc. I usually find that it's very effective to therefore use the group item as an index or directory of all the group activities, so they can be found and explored in one easy-to-find place (which also happens to be the place that people go to check out the group if they haven't seen it before). Check out the Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group's main page for an example: "Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I'm thrilled that you created this group for WdC. I can't wait to start my entry for the contest and I look forward to seeing what else you come up with in the future!

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"
"Beyond The Water's Edge - CLOSED"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

817

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3521048

Review of Part One: Shadow Warrior

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

Hi Wordwing

-

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following Rising Stars Member-to-Member review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

I saw this item posted over at the "Invalid Item"

and wanted to include it as one of my three member-to-member reviews this month. I enjoyed the overall setup of this story; I think that as a young adult novel, it's got a lot of potential to really create a new and exciting world for younger readers to explore and fall in love with. You've got the sense of mystery and excitement, the unique mythology, and - most importantly - a central character that your audience can identify with.

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

I would recommend revising the reactions of Darius and Verian in the opening scene. There were quite a few places where they were described as grinning at one another, making clever remarks, and talking about casual matters. While I think that the relationship is effective character development overall, I think that given the circumstances (i.e. a very serious, dangerous set of circumstances) the tone feels a little off, and would recommend that both characters - for the purposes of this scene - be a little grave in their demeanor.

This is more of a technical issue, but I noticed that your item is listed as a "Static Item - Other." Since this is a work in progress, I would recommend changing the "other" to "draft" so that people know it's still being worked on, rather than a finished product. Clarifying that could help avoid an inadvertent lower rating because someone thought it was supposed to be complete and thought it seemed unfinished in its current form.

OVERALL COMMENTS

Overall, I really enjoyed the setup for this story. I think you did a great job with the characters and setting the scene for a larger drama to play out, and I think you've got it geared effectively toward your audience. It seems like you're definitely on the right track.

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"
"Beyond The Water's Edge - CLOSED"

"RS - Member to Member Review!" - any Rising Star member is free to use this signature! :)

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

818

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3521038

Review of love in detox

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC

Rated: 18+

| (3.5)

Hi JamieLynn

-

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following Rising Stars Member-to-Member review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

I found this item through the "Invalid Item"

forum and thought I would include it as one of my three member-to-member reviews this month. Overall, I thought you did an excellent job with the emotional aspects of this remembrance. It's clear how strongly you felt the impact of this individual, and how much he means to you. You also did a great job painting a clear picture of the relationship; what it was, how it worked, and what was special about it.

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

Overall, I really didn't get a sense of who Jonathan James Curtain was as a person. It's clear how much of an impact (and what kind of impact) he had on you/the narrator, but since so much of the piece is "telling" what he meant rather than "showing" his character through description and moments, it was hard to really connect with Jonathan and understand what made him so unique.

I would suggest quoting (or at least citing) the reference to Edgar Allan Poe's classic poem "Annabel Lee," just to avoid any potential confusion about whether that's original to you, or borrowed from another source.

I noticed in your description on the Rising Stars Review Request page that you name the individual: Jonathan James Curtain, and the dates of his birth and his death... but that information isn't mentioned anywhere in the piece itself. I would recommend including that information so that a reader who happens upon this piece in your port (or somewhere other than the Review Request forum) knows who this piece of writing is all about.

OVERALL COMMENTS

Overall, I think you did a good job with this piece. I thought it was filled with emotion, engaging, and was a really touching tribute for a friend of yours that's now departed.

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"
"Beyond The Water's Edge - CLOSED"

** Image ID #1639657 Unavailable **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

819

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3519805

Review of Favorite Supernatural Creature

Review by Jeff

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

What a great poll! And I love the fact that you separated out Twilight Vampires from regular vampires.

. I'm a fan of almost all of these creatures, but I voted for vampires because they've always held my fascination, particularly with the sheer variety and number of different legends about them.

820

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3519799

Review of What should I name my vampire girl?

Review by Jeff

Rated: E

| (4.5)

I think this is a much better set of names for your heroine. I picked Aurora because I think it's got the best blend of classical and modern elements; it feels fresh and interesting. I think Lexine is interesting too... Ambrosia feels a little too dated, and Miranda and Rebecca are a little too modern without the classical undertones. Mercedes is a good choice as well... but my vote is for Aurora.

Great poll!

821

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3519797

Review of What should I name my vampire boy?

Review by Jeff

Rated: E

| (4.0)

I voted for "other" because, honestly, a lot of the names seemed a little stereotypical of other vampire fiction. Stephen (Stefan) and Damon are names of vampires from The Vampire Diaries; Julian is a vampire from Vampire: The Masquerade.... for mystical and yet contemporary, I would recommend taking a name from mythology. Since they're rising in popularity lately, a name like Apollo, or Perseus (Percy), or Orion could give you that classical and yet fresh and modern twist that you're looking for.

Hope this helps.

822

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3519794

Review of Preferred Breast Cup Size

Review by Jeff

Rated: 18+

| (3.5)

Interesting poll. A couple of suggestions: I would consider dividing A-cup and B-cup into separate categories and maybe combining E-H cups... just based on the statistical makeup of average breast cup size, I think that A and B individually are probably more common than anything of the extra-large variety... so I think you could safely have your options be A, B, C, D, DD, and "larger than DD."

Additionally, I would recommend an option for "it depends" or "other." Since cup size isn't always the sole factor in determining how large breasts appear (e.g. a C-cup on a woman who's 5'2" could actually appear larger than a DD-cup on a woman who's 6'2" ... and body type also has a considerable effect on their appearance), I think an option or two to account for that would be helpful.

Ideally, it might even be more effective to have a poll about relative breast size (i.e. small breasts, medium or average sized breasts. large breasts, huge breasts, etc.). That way, it would be the appearance (not the cup size) that's emphasized.

Anyway, hope this helps. Interesting poll!

823

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3519785

Review of Should Poetry Rhyme?

Review by Jeff

Rated: E

| (4.5)

I think you organized this poll very well, giving people a variety and complete set of options from which to choose. I personally voted for "depends on the poem" because, while I always grew up thinking that poetry had to rhyme... and although my preference is for rhyming poetry... I''ve also read some amazing poems with no rhyme scheme that - quite frankly - kinda busted that myth for me.

Interesting poll!

824

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3519783

Review of What do you look for?

Review by Jeff

Rated: E

| (4.5)

I think that this poll is well organized, and particularly like the fact that you included an option for "other" and a request to email you. There are often polls that don't take into account that sometimes the preferred choice is not always listed as one of the options.

Personally, I voted for "humor" because - for me - I like a mate who knows how to have fun and doesn't take life too seriously. Then again, that's just me.

Great poll!

825

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3519236

Review of If You Look

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Hi J.W. Knight

-

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following Simply Positive review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

I loved the imagination that went into this piece. I thought the settings were well-described and engaging, and there's clearly a broad story here that I think you're only just scratching the surface of revealing.

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

Overall, I felt like the story was missing a bit of conflict and tension. Asa always seems in control, and always seems to know what she's doing. There's barely a moment where she's confused, conflicted, doubtful, etc. I think that infusing a little more conflict and tension into this story would improve the drama by leaps and bounds and make it even more compelling than it already is.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I really enjoyed this story and thought it was a great initial effort. I came across it surfing through the Mystery Genre items, and it would be a pleasure to feature it in the next issue of the Official Mystery Newsletter.

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"
"Beyond The Water's Edge - CLOSED"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .